Chapter Text
“What do you mean?” Jisung pushed his chair back and rose to his feet, angry red splotches blooming across his cheeks. “Seungmin, come on! You could’ve woken us! I mean, I could’ve gotten answers out of him! Proper answers, man!”
Seungmin groaned, his head in his hands. He’d just informed Jisung and Hyunjin about his late night encounter with Felix. And while he hadn’t gone into any specifics, he’d told them enough for them to gather that it hadn’t gone well.
“We don’t blame you,” Hyunjin interjected, earning a reproachful glare from Jisung. He returned Jisung’s glare with one of his own before reaching across the table for Seungmin’s hand. “I know you wanted to get it over with. And whatever happened between you and Felix, it’s not an experience you needed us to share in. And that’s fine. It’s just worrying that you came all the way here and to not get the answers you need…” he trailed off with a sigh, mouth downturned in an unhappy frown.
“Yeah,” Jisung cleared his throat and flopped back down into his chair. “That’s what I meant to say. Came off a bit too strong. And I’ve only had one cup of coffee so…”
“It’s fine,” Seungmin gave him an indulgent smile. He knew that Jisung was just as frustrated as he was. He also knew that Jisung was dying to get his hands on Felix (“If I don’t get at least one punch in, I’m going to lose my mind!”) and was miffed that he’d missed the opportunity. He waved over the waitress of the petite corner café they’d come across while hunting for good breakfasting options, and asked for more caffeine refills. That should reel everyone’s tempers in a bit. Once Jisung had a steaming cup in his hands, Seungmin said, “If Felix doesn’t want to talk, we can’t force him to.”
“Oh, I beg to differ,” Jisung snorted, slamming his fist into the palm of his other hand. “Just give me one minute alone with him and I swear…” he grinned, mirth dancing in his eyes.
Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Let’s take a rain check on the road trip to prison, alright?”
“An exaggeration,” Jisung waved away his concern. “And that’s assuming he presses charges.”
The bell hanging above the café door chimed, signaling the entry of another customer, and all three patrons stopped their absurd conversation and turned to see the man enter. Seungmin narrowed his eyes at the stranger’s back, watching as he walked up to the counter and placed an order. Only when he turned his head to survey the rest of the empty café did Seungmin recognize him. Dressed in knee-length cargo shorts and a black muscle tee, he looked different from the professional barkeep he’d been just ten hours ago. Chan , Seungmin remembered the tag on his shirt. He was too slow to look away, and Chan found him staring.
“Hey,” Chan greeted, the corners of his lips lifting into a tentative smile. He grabbed a suspicious green bottled drink off the counter and strode over to their table. Seungmin pointedly ignored the baffled looks on Hyunjin’s and Jisung’s faces; he hadn’t told them about Chan. “Can I join you?”
Jisung cocked his head to the side, a smile stretched across his face, studying Chan the way he usually did before pouncing on a potential property-owner in need of his services. Hyunjin on the other hand, kept his face blank and unreadable, studying Chan the way he usually did when spotting a potential threat (and it didn’t help that Chan had seated himself opposite Seungmin without waiting for the go-ahead).
“Can we talk about Felix?” Chan asked, earning baffled looks from Jisung and Hyunjin.
“And who are you?” Hyunjin asked with narrowed eyes, obviously confirming that this was a potential threat. “Do we know you?”
“Uh…” Chan raised his brows, looking at Seungmin for help.
“This is Chan,” Seungmin introduced them, even though he himself hadn’t been introduced to the man before. “I met him last night.”
“Felix’s boyfriend,” Chan added with a smile. At this point, both Hyunjin and Jisung were shooting Seungmin with accusatory glares, only relenting when Seungmin muttered that it wasn’t necessary information. “Anyway,” Chan cleared his throat. “About Lix…”
“What about him?” Seungmin folded his arms across his chest, waiting to hear some weak defense of Felix’s actions from a guy who probably didn’t even know what Felix had done.
“I know what happened with you, with… everyone in Felix’s past,” Chan explained, as if he could read the skeptical look on Seungmin’s face.
“Yeah?” Seungmin scoffed, amused at this turn of events. “When did he tell you? Last night? Did he think I was going to spill and tell you all about it?”
“Actually,” Chan straightened, “I’ve known since before we started dating. I was interested in him since he started working in the kitchen, and I could tell he was interested in me too but he refused to go on a date with me. And then he told me all about his past, trying to ward me off, I think.” Chan laughed and shook his head as if it was a fond memory. “But I was pretty persistent.”
“So you’re telling me,” Jisung butted in (even though it was Seungmin that Chan had been addressing and Chan really hadn’t been telling Jisung anything), “that you’re dating him knowing that you could be the next on his heartbreak list?”
Chan cringed a bit at the question but acquiesced with a nod, “That’s correct. If you can’t take a risk for love, is it really love at all? And it’s been a few years now, anyway, and Lix is still here, still with me.” There was a bit of guilt in his smile now when he looked at Seungmin. “I’m really sorry for what you went through. And if I were you, yeah, I’d want answers too.”
Love… That was some big talk. And Seungmin had to admit, when Chan spoke about Felix, it was all bared for him to see. He probably did love Felix. He smiled – a genuine smile – because it was hard to begrudge someone for falling in love. “I’m happy that things are going well for you,” he took a large gulp of coffee, waiting for it to warm his chest before continuing. “I just don’t think I’m ever going to get the answers I need from Felix.”
“You caught him off guard last night,” Chan shook his head. “He… I don’t think he was ready. But if you want to give it another go?” he raised his pierced brow questioningly.
Seungmin nodded. “I could but how?”
“He goes for a run along the hiking trail every morning,” Chan told him. “If you leave now, you should catch him on his way down. The trail is just past the—”
“I know where it is,” Seungmin gave him a wry smile. Of course he knew. “That hiking trail…” he mused out loud. Out of all the places they could have that conversation, maybe it would be the most fitting.
He found the trail easily, but was surprised at how lush the greenery was compared to the last time he’d been there. Bunches of elderberries grew in the thickets that lined the path ahead, lending a sweet fragrance to the air, and calming Seungmin’s nerves a fraction. Memories of his relationship with Felix attacked Seungmin like a barrage of poison tipped knives. How many memories had they created on this very same trail? It was a rhetorical question yet he found himself sifting through the memories, reliving moments from each – the good and the bad – with every step he took on the rough terrain.
Kissing beneath the stars, tentative touches and shy smiles; sharing a flask of hot chocolate, the tips of their noses and ears reddening from the chill in the air; petty arguments that ended with rushed apologies, and serious arguments with no solutions that always ended with a short-lived stalemate until one of them gave in and let the other have their way.
As the terrain sloped upward, he found himself approaching the blinding glare of the sun. The irony didn’t escape him; every memorable moment with Felix had taken place beneath the cover of darkness, but this final moment – and whether he received answers or not, Seungmin was sure that this was the finale of his search for answers – was taking place in broad daylight. There was no need to hide like thieves in the night anymore, and it was a thought that brought him comfort.
The ground began to flatten out, thankfully, and Seungmin gasped at the breathtaking view laid out before him. Clusters of rocks marked the edge of the ravine that overlooked the rest of the town. With the residues of the morning mist clinging to the rooftops, it looked magical, something out of a fairy tale. The view had been great at night, what with the lights and the stars, but this…
“I like it better in the mornings.”
Seungmin nodded in agreement, “Me too.” He glanced at Felix who sat statuesque on a rock, and moved to join him, leaving a comfortable yet appropriate distance between them. “So…”
“I don’t know where to start,” Felix swallowed hard, staring unblinkingly at the swirling mist.
“The beginning?” Seungmin offered, giving him a hopeful glance. Maybe this was actually going somewhere.
Felix gave a firm nod, as though steeling himself, “I guess that starts with my family.” Seungmin listened wide-eyed. Was Felix really going to tell him everything? “At the beginning we were… happy. Yeah, really happy.” A small smile formed on Felix’s lips when he said, “Mom and dad were high school sweethearts. Together for eight years before they had me. And when I came around… Well, mom always used to be jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. We were pretty tight, me and him. He was my role model, my best friend. And the thing that made me happiest was seeing how much he and mom loved each other. We had the perfect family.”
He paused, and Seungmin took the opportunity to voice his observation, “Had?”
“Had,” Felix agreed, fingers tracing the indentations on a rock. “And then I – my mother and I – found out that he wasn’t the person we thought we knew.” He let out a soft sigh and pulled his fingers into his lap where they fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt.
“What happened?” Seungmin asked on a hunch that the answer would help decipher the mystery surrounding Felix. “What did he do?”
Felix released his lower lip from between his teeth. “He left when I was fourteen. Just took his stuff and walked out on us, left a note saying that –” he cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was so rife with emotion that Seungmin found himself placing a hand on his shoulder, “– that he wasn’t coming back, that he felt too stifled, that he had regrets – dreams he couldn’t follow, places he couldn’t go, the man he couldn’t be because he was tied down by mother… and me.”
“Felix…” Seungmin shook his head, unable to find an appropriate response. What could possibly comfort someone who’d gone through that?
“We waited, you know,” Felix let out a humorless chuckle. “A year, then two years, and then three. And at first I told myself that I never wanted to fall in love, that I shouldn’t fall in love, and the longer we waited for him, the more disappointed we felt, the more convinced I became that love wasn’t a real thing. Because how could it be real when someone can walk out on the woman he supposedly loved, after twenty two years together? How can someone claim to love his son but walk out on him when he’s just fourteen years old?”
Seungmin’s relationship with his parents wasn’t a warm one. He seldom visited them in Incheon more than once a year. They had never pretended to accept who he was, and he’d stopped trying to strive for acceptance from them. The distance between them was a healthy one. He didn’t know what it felt like to have a good relationship with a parent and then have that relationship fractured.
Felix spoke, pulling him away from his thoughts. “I made my mother’s life hell. Not intentionally, but… I didn’t know how to handle all of it. I was a bad kid, running away all the time, sometimes trying to find my father, trying to find answers, and sometimes running away just to get away from everyone. When we moved to Waegwan, it was because I promised my mother I would stop being that kid, that we could start afresh.” He shifted so that he could face Seungmin. “I didn’t set out to break your heart, Seungmin. I didn’t even want a relationship but I…” he sighed. “With you, I couldn’t help myself. I liked being with you, hanging out with you, talking to you, kissing you, holding your hand. It felt good. And it was so conflicting. There I was, determined never to have a relationship, yet in a closeted relationship with you. For a while, I consoled myself with a lie, telling myself that you weren’t serious about me, that you were gonna head off to college and forget about me, that you were never going to come out. Then you started talking about our future together and…” he looked away, eyes reflecting his guilt. Seungmin thought about all those times he’d been enthusiastically planning his future with Felix, unaware that while he planned, Felix had been freaking out about it. “I always kept my walls up around you,” Felix told Seungmin, “But I could feel them crumbling. And it scared me, so when you came out so suddenly, when you took that one solid step towards a future with me, I had to run. I had to run before I allowed myself to fall in love with you.”
Seungmin released a shaky breath. There they were – the answers he’d been after. And he understood Felix’s actions now. He understood, but he was still… “I get it,” he nodded, the words feeling heavy on his tongue. “I just – just – I still feel so angry at you, Felix. And it’s frustrating that I can’t even blame you because you were… going through stuff.”
“Of course you can blame me,” Felix seemed taken aback. “If I were you, I’d blame me. I was selfish, running away without an explanation. No matter the reason, it was selfish of me. Leaving you here, surrounded by all these people, abandoning you… As soon as I left, I began to despise myself. Because I’d become this shadow of my father.”
Seungmin chewed on his lip, contemplating whether to pry, his curiosity winning out. “About the others – Changbin, Minho, Jeongin… Why would you do that to them? If you knew what you did to me was wrong, why would you do it again?”
Felix pressed his lips together, and Seungmin began to think that it was the end of their conversation. Well, he couldn’t force Felix to tell him the rest; he wasn’t obligated to.
“Changbin was unexpected,” Felix said, his voice cutting through the silence between them. “After what happened with you, I mean. I didn’t expect another relationship, and definitely not so soon. But I was so lonely. I needed someone and he was there, but I didn’t love him. I couldn’t, yet I knew how he felt about me. Still, I tried to let him down easy.” He paused and shook his head. “Actually, no. That was what I told myself – that I was doing him a favor. The truth is, I was a coward. I knew he never wanted to move out of that small town and that if I asked him to move away with me, he’d refuse and that would be the end of us. I wanted him to be the one responsible for breaking us up.”
“But he said yes,” Seungmin remembered Changbin’s story and tried not to get worked up about the wrongs Felix had committed years ago. “He told you he’d move away with you and you realized that you fucked up.”
“Yeah,” Felix swallowed hard. “I fucked up. With Minho too. You met him, yeah?” Seungmin nodded for him to continue. “Honestly, I thought I was ready then. I thought I was ready for a relationship with Minho. And I – I did love him.” Seungmin felt a pang of sympathy for his old self who had craved that love from Felix. “I loved him enough to stay with him for two years. But being at university, living in that little apartment together, was like living in a little bubble. Just the two of us. And once Minho graduated, I knew we’d be forced to experience the real world. I knew he was going to expect more from me. He started speaking about having a family and I just – I got cold feet so I ran again.”
Seungmin fixed Felix with a hard stare. “I thought you loved him? How could you just leave? And how could you send him a fucking postcard?”
“I did love him!” Felix argued, exhaling a long sigh. “I sent him the postcard because I missed him. I missed him so much yet I wasn’t brave enough to go back to him. When I sent that postcard, I thought he’d write back to me, that he’d ask me to come back. Because if he did ask, I don’t think I could’ve said no to him.” Seungmin wondered what would have become of Felix’s and Minho’s relationship if they had gotten back together. Felix answered that too, “In hindsight, it was better that he didn’t. I would’ve probably broken his heart again.”
Then it was for the best that Minho hadn’t written to him, but still, “What about Jeongin?”
Felix seemed taken aback. “Jeongin? Look, I’m not to blame for that at least. The relationship Jeongin and I had, was never based on feelings, just attraction. It was physical. It wasn’t my fault that he caught feelings.”
“It wasn’t his fault either.”
“I know that,” Felix snapped, his eyes flashing. “But what was I supposed to do, Seungmin?”
“You were supposed to handle it maturely instead of running like you always do!” Seungmin rose to his feet and turned away. “You’re such a coward, honestly. I can’t believe you used me as an excuse to run from that situation.”
Felix followed after him. “I really came back to Waegwan to look for you. I realized that the thing Jeongin and I had going was over. And I didn’t know what to do. I kept thinking about all the relationships I’d ended, and I wanted to make things right, to apologise.”
Seungmin gave him a weary glance. “I guess you didn’t find me, but you did find someone, didn’t you?” He couldn’t understand how Chan could be in a relationship with someone who he knew could break his heart at any given moment. But yeah, that was love, wasn’t it? He took a deep breath to reel in his temper and said in a measured tone, “You do need to make things right. I mean, you and I are fine now. I’m not going to hold any grudges, Felix. Not anymore. I spent the longest time finding faults with myself because I thought I was the problem. I needed this. To talk to you. To hear the truth of it all. To hear your side of things. And I’m not the only one who needs this. I have the answers now, but it’s on you to find the others who need those answers too. I know you found love here. And I’m glad. But don’t let that stop you from reaching out to the ones you left behind, to the ones who still yearn for closure, the ones who may still be afraid of finding love.”
A lone tear trailed down Felix’s cheek as he nodded, “I will, I promise.” He reached out a trembling hand, and so Seungmin found himself holding Felix’s hand. One last time. And when he let go, he felt lighter.
Everything felt lighter. Not just his body. But his mind. His soul. When Seungmin left Waegwan this time, it wouldn’t be in fear and shame, with the weight of rejection pushing down on his shoulders; that invisible weight he’d been carrying was no longer holding him down anymore.
“I would’ve totally kicked his ass,” Jisung said for the thousandth time since they’d left Waegwan. Behind him, Hyunjin stuffed his mouth with honey butter chips to stifle his laugh.
They’d only just reached Seungmin’s Seoul apartment and he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to either of them yet. Well, Hyunjin he would see whenever he wanted to. But with Jisung, video calls would have to do until the next time he visited from Malaysia. He’d only come back to Seungmin’s apartment to quickly throw the rest of his things into his suitcase.
“I’m gonna miss you,” Seungmin drew him into a hug, uncharacteristically affectionate but it couldn’t be helped. “You know I’m really grateful, right?” he whispered. “If I didn’t have you then, if I didn’t have you now…”
“Your life would be a lot more boring for sure,” Jisung joked, but when he pulled back, his eyes were glassy. “I love you, bro. Anything for my best dude.”
“I love you too, Sung,” he said, ruffling his hair and getting his hand swatted away.
“Jealous?” Jisung peered around Seungmin and wiggled his eyebrows at Hyunjin. “You’ll get more than a hug when I’m gone,” he winked.
Seungmin shoved his shoulder, a flush creeping up his neck. Hyunjin, used to Jisung’s antics by now, just laughed and pulled Jisung into a one-armed hug. “Actually, I was thinking, the next time Seungmin and I get some time off, we could actually visit you in Malaysia.”
Seungmin blinked back his surprise and smiled. “If you can tolerate spending your vacation with Jisung, then yeah, sure.”
Hyunjin gave a one-shouldered shrug and a lopsided grin. “Anything for you.”
“I told you he’s a good one!” Jisung exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.
Seungmin exchanged an amused look with Hyunjin, and together, they saw Jisung off.
Later that day, when it was just the two of them standing on the balcony and watching the sun setting below the horizon, Seungmin could feel Hyunjin’s eyes on him. “You’re staring,” he chuckled, warmth blooming in his cheeks.
Unfazed, Hyunjin unlinked their hands and wrapped his arms around Seungmin instead, holding him against his chest as he asked, “Are you doing okay, Minnie?”
For once, when asked that question, Seungmin could smile. “Yes,” he answered honestly for the first time in a long time, “Yes, I’m doing okay. Actually, I’m really happy.”