Chapter Text
(From Maze’s IPhone)
Wedding 2: Electric Boogaloo (AKA Eve Only Lets Us Talk About Wedding Planning She’s Even Worse Than Chloe And Maze Is Too Scared To Stop Her SOS)
3/15/20 9:50 AM
gremlin added a$$rael and ratatouille to the chat
amazeing
i feel like i deserve an explanation for this
gremlin
no
amazeing
ight
a$$rael
is this a GROUP CHAT? i’ve always wanted to be in one of these!
ratatouille
I have much better things to be doing than this. Like hunting things. And killing things.
chloe’s strap holster
miss lopez, did you just add my sisters?
ratatouille
Unfortunately. Hello, Lucifer.
What is a…. ratatouille?
love of my life
the most iconic character in earth history
gremlin
his name is remy, not ratatouille
eve, you fool, you blithering idiot
love of my life
well damn then
ratatouille
Remy is my name.
chloe’s strap holster
that’s the joke, dear sister
ratatouille
I see.
chloe’s strap holster
no you don’t.
ratatouille
I do not.
love of my life
so why are remy and rae in the chat now?
gremlin
funsies
amazeing
how come eve gets an explanation and i don’t?
love of my life
you call “funsies” an explanation?
amazeing
i use it occasionally.
detective dink
hell is hot, mazikeen
amazeing
i’ve been. i’m hotter
gremlin
god i just wanted to add my girlfriend to the chat and this happens
detective dink
WHAT?!
chloe’s strap holster
now hang on a moment-
a$$rael
um
angel dude
WHAT.
ratatouille
SISTER?
love of my life
eve.exe has stopped working. click to reboot.
amazeing
…
*clicks*
love of my life
DNHKJHSDHJHFGSDFHGHSJMDFVGBHNJMHGFDCFVBHGHBJN
amazeing
yep saw that coming that was a bad idea
love of my life
HDWDJFADWJWJJEN OINHCVEJDNNLBFNMNHGYVJ KJL>KLM?LI?MKJ:W?”:?DL>FOL>W?DR:FF>?NFPLF WDKJNWKLDJFKFHNJKFEJNJWKDLJFEKLM?FNJLDWJNKWELKN
amazeing
i’m taking her phone
chloe’s strap holster
the evil has been defeated.
ratatouille
Sister, explain.
a$$rael
well, i didn’t want you to find out like this
thank you ELLA
gremlin
ur welcome 🥰
ratatouille
You are dating a human?
a$$rael
ella’s not just a human. she’s special.
she’s the one i’ve been watching over.
ratatouille
You have spoken kindly of her to me before.
love of my life
maze gave me my phone back because i am Calm
hey, what’s so bad about humans? >:(
amazeing
humans are smelly and annoying, but these humans…
they’re alright, remiel.
love of my life
thanks for calling me not smelly and annoying, dearest fiancee
amazeing
you’re only half human, so therefore you’re only half smelly and half annoying :)
ratatouille
As if I would take advice from a demon, Mazikeen.
chloe’s strap holster
brother can i ask you something
angel dude
Luci, for the last time, no, you may not take Charlie to a strip club.
chloe’s strap holster
no, not that! does father have any specific guidelines on dating humans?
angel dude
If He does, He’s not enforcing them.
chloe’s strap holster
how do you know?
angel dude
*Gestures at Linda and myself, you and Chloe, and Azrael and Ella*
chloe’s strap holster
...fair
love of my life
half of this chat are humans dating angels
and the other half are the angels dating them
not including maze and i, a half-angel dating a demon
chloe’s strap holster
rip to daniel but we’re different.
detective douche
:(
love of my life
so remiel and dan…
gremlin
#remaniel
detective douche
eve, i’ve never even met remiel???
chloe’s strap holster
absolutely not, don’t even think about it, douche, nobody dates my sisters
detective douche
that’s a little archaic of you, dude
chloe’s strap holster
you’re right, actually, my sisters can take care of themselves.
gremlin
what about me???
chloe’s strap holster
you get a pass because i want you to be my sister-in-law, miss lopez <3
gremlin
🥺🥺🥺
ratatouille
I apologize, Daniel, you seem adequate for a human, but I only desire the company of other women.
love of my life
remiel is a lesbian YES this is the best timeline
amazeing
eve…
love of my life
WHAT
i’m simply telling her good job for being a lesbian
we have sapphics here but no one has the deep man-hatred of a lesbian
and i need someone to share that with
a$$rael
i agree, good for you, sis!
ratatouille
I appreciate this support. Eve, you have my word that I will defend you in battle.
As a fellow lover of womankind, and a hater of menfolk.
love of my life
this is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
chloe’s strap holster
all angels love women, this is a fact.
amazeing
hey, i hate men too!
love of my life
are you attracted to them?
amazeing
….
love of my life
that’s what i thought you pansexual
amazeing
i’m not attracted to anyone but you anymore, baby.
love of my life
YOU ARE LYING TO MY FACE
i’m attracted to all the women here in this chat except linda because she’s like my mom but she has nice hands
see i wouldn’t lie to you babe >:(
amazeing
EVE
I LITERALLY WASN’T LYING
love of my life
OH SHIT WHOOPS
a$$rael
is this Group Chat always this… chaotic?
detective dink
usually it’s worse
a$$rael
i would believe that...
Conversation read at 10:02 AM
💐
Linda threw a roll of blue crepe paper over the ceiling fan, and it arced gracefully, bonking Ella on the head… the head that was adorned with sparkly cat ears. “Sorry!” Linda cried.
“I thought we vetoed the cat ears,” said Chloe from where she was stretched across the BarcaLounger.
Ella spread her hands. “For the wedding, Decker. You can’t veto what I wear on a daily basis.”
“We’ll see about that.” Chloe looked to the side of the chair. “Damn, I left my purse at home.”
“No sign means yes furry shit!” Ella said gleefully.
Lucifer, who was seated at Chloe’s feet, head leaned back against her knees, pulled her purse from under his suit jacket and handed it up to her. “I knew you’d forget it, Detective.”
“God, I love you.” Chloe accepted it, kissed his forehead, and began to rummage through her purse.
“Well, you don’t have to bring Dad into this,” he mumbled.
Chloe pulled the sign out and tapped it. Ella huffed and stomped out of the room.
On the big couch, dubbed the “bride couch” by Linda, Eve sat with her head in her hands, poring over different napkin folds, assisted by Amenadiel (who, according to Eve, had the best taste out of anyone in their group). The only members of their little family that were absent were one of the brides, who had been picking up extra bounties in order to help pay for her and Eve’s future apartment, and Dan, who was watching Trixie. Charlie was also absent, but he was just taking a nap in the other room.
Ella re-entered the room wearing a completely different pair of cat ears and holding a bag of balloons and a notebook.
“Is anyone going to ask-?” Lucifer started. No one piped up. “Very well. What’s that, Miss Lopez?”
“Thank you for asking, Lucifer.” Ella stuck out her tongue at Chloe, who hurled a pillow at her head. She missed, and Amenadiel caught it just before it hit Eve. Eve gave no indication of noticing it, too engrossed in her napkins. “It’s for Maze and Eve’s bachelorette party.”
“We decided to make it joint,” Chloe cut in, and Ella nodded.
“And, since I’ve finally gotten over my crippling fear, thanks to Lucifer, it’s gonna be in…. Vegas!” Ella did jazz hands, almost dropping her notebook. Linda swooped in and rescued the bag of balloons.
“May I come along?” said Lucifer. “I think the ladies might need a designated driver.” He spread his hands, making big pleading eyes to rival Trixie’s (they were a terrible influence on each other). “Who better than someone who can’t get drunk?”
“Lucifer, it’s a bachelor ette party.” Chloe ruffled his curls, and he made an annoyed noise.
“As Miss Lopez so often says, gender is fake,” said Lucifer. Ella danced over and fist-bumped him.
“He does have a point, though,” said Linda, handing the bag of balloons to Amenadiel. “We get hammered, and he gets to come along. Win-win.”
Lucifer gestured at her. “Listen to my therapist.”
“Well, our friend group isn’t very big. I think we can invite the guys, too,” mused Ella. “What do you think, Eve? Can Lucifer, Dan, and Amenadiel tag along?”
They all turned to Eve, whose head was still in her hands. She looked up, eyes red, and there were tears streaming down her face.
Ella immediately rushed to her side. “Oh no, what is it? I know you hate men, they don’t have to come-”
“I’m going to ruin this wedding.” Eve suddenly shoved the book away. “And don’t try and tell me I’m wrong. I’m going to screw it all up. Nothing looks right. I can’t even figure out whether I want little swans or boats for napkins. “Swans or boats? Swans or boats?” She let out a sob and grabbed Amenadiel’s shoulders, shaking him. “SWANS OR BOATS?!”
“Eve, darling, boats are the best choice. Swans will be much too tacky,” Lucifer called as Amenadiel rolled off the couch and crawled away in fear. Chloe flicked his ear. “Ow! What?”
“I w-was gonna choose swans,” hiccuped Eve, burying her face in Ella’s shoulder.
“Well, it’s your wedding,” said Lucifer meekly. “If you think swans will be good, swans you shall have.”
“That’s the thing! I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t know if they’ll be good or not!”
“I understand, Eve, but you’re not going to mess it up, I promise,” soothed Ella, stroking her hair. She looked up at Linda. “Maze. We need Maze.”
“Genius. I’ll get her on the phone.” Linda grabbed her phone and ducked into the guest room. Wedding supplies covered the floor and parts of the bed, turning the room into a mess, and the two dresses hung on the closet door in garment bags. On the side table sat a framed picture of the two occupants of the room on Eve’s first bounty hunt, posing next to Maze’s motorcycle. Eve smiled widely at the camera, but Maze could only look at Eve.
It was a smart idea on Ella’s part to get Maze on the phone. Maze and Eve bickered like an old married couple, and acted like toddlers who had eaten way too much sugar, but they had this inexplicable ability to calm each other down.
Linda opened her phone and hit Maze’s contact. After the second ring, Maze picked up. “‘Sup, Linda? What do you need?” In the background, she heard a loud grunt and sounds of a struggle, then Maze yelled, away from the phone, “Shut up! I’m trying to talk to Linda!” and a distant, panicked man’s voice, “who’s Linda?”.
“I’m fine, but, um, well, it’s Eve. She’s feeling a little… well. She’s freaking out.”
Maze was silent for a moment, but Linda knew Maze well enough to know she was worried. “Say no more. I’m on my way home.”
“What? I was just going to put you two on the phone-”
Click . The line disconnected.
Linda sighed and returned to the living room. Eve was now breathing into a paper bag, with Ella directing her. “Breathe in... hold….. exhale.” Amenadiel had stopped being a little bitch and had an arm over her shoulder, trying to comfort her as well. Linda went over and taught Ella and Eve some quick breathing exercises for anxiety, then sidled over to Chloe, who was speaking quietly with Lucifer.
“Where was Maze’s bounty today?”
“I thought you were going to get her on the phone,” said Chloe.
“I was trying to, but Maze said she was coming home and hung up,” Linda explained, wringing her hands together.
“Oh. Well, She’s only in Echo Park, it shouldn’t take too long-”
The door burst open and Maze stormed in. “WHERE is my fiancée?!” Everyone looked towards the couch, and Maze’s expression immediately turned into one of deep concern. “Oh, baby girl, what’s wrong?”
Linda and Amenadiel got up, and Linda herded the rest of the gang out the door and into the back rooms. Eve seemed to snap back to reality as she felt Maze’s arm wrap around her shoulder, and wiped her eyes, embarrassed. “You didn’t have to come home for me, Maze.”
“Yes, I did,” dismissed Maze. “I needed to make sure you were okay. Now tell me what’s wrong.”
Eve tried for a weak smile. “It’s nothing.”
“Bullshit, Eve. Something’s bothering you, now who do I have to beat up?”
Eve couldn’t maintain her trademark grin and burst into tears again, and Maze hugged her to her chest, cradling Eve’s head under her chin as Eve’s tears soaked her grey tank top. “I’m worried… I-I’m worried I’m going to screw up the wedding.”
“That’s all?” Maze asked, surprised. Eve stopped crying for a moment to death-glare at her, as much as she could with her big doe eyes, and Maze raised a hand in surrender. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Well, everything seems just grand so far.”
“Maybe, but I’m still afraid,” said Eve. “I know you’re not a wedding person, and I wanted to make it perfect for you-”
“Wait a minute.” Maze looked almost hurt, which wasn’t something that happened often. “This is because of me?”
“No, no-” Eve shook her head. “No. I mean, yes, but no. I don’t know. I just wanted to make sure that you had a perfect day. I was the one who wanted a big wedding, and I wanted to make sure it would be as amazing for you as it would be for me,” she sniffled. “But I’m worried if I screw it up, I’ll ruin this day I’ve been dreaming of for so long, and you’ll always remember that I wasn’t good enough.”
“Eve, I would never think that about you.” Eve looked up at her with wide watery eyes.
“You wouldn’t?”
“Never,” promised Maze. “Hell, you could slap glitter glue onto a cardboard box for our only decoration and I would be excited out of my mind because I’d still be marrying you. It’s you that matters, not whatever stupid frilly thing humans like to do to make weddings seem special, because for me, you’re the special part.”
Eve looked lost for words, leaning her head against Maze’s shoulder. Eventually she snuffled, “I’m not sure I’m used to you going all Soft Demon on me yet.”
“Hey!” Maze ran a finger down the bridge of Eve’s nose and thumbed the tip gently, and Eve giggled through her tears. “I’m not soft, remember?” Eve pillowed her head against Maze’s chest. Now that Maze was here, she felt safe and much calmer. “You okay now?”
“Yep,” Eve said. “Thank you. For coming home, I mean. You’re just always there for me, and I feel like I don’t appreciate you for it enough.”
“You don’t have to appreciate me for it.” Maze kissed her temple. “It’s my job. Like… my sacred duty.” Eve snickered. “You’re laughing at duty, aren’t you?”
“Maybe a little.”
Linda poked her head around the corner, followed by Chloe. “Is it safe to come in?”
“Crisis averted,” Maze called out. The rest of their friends slowly entered the room. Eve wiped her eyes and tried for a smile, succeeding this time.
Ella ran over and squished Eve’s cheeks, making her laugh. “There’s her teeth! I thought they were gone for good!” She pretended to wipe sweat off of her forehead.
“Maze, you’re good to go.” Eve patted Maze’s thigh and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “So, more wedding planning?”
“Actually…” Everyone glanced over at Maze, who looked uncertain all of a sudden. “I think I’ll stay and help.”
“Really?” exclaimed Eve. “Don’t you hate wedding planning? You don’t have to, I promise we’ll be just fine if you want to go back to your bounty.”
“Are you certain, Mazikeen? It gets quite boring,” Lucifer piped up. Chloe gave him a Chloe look, and Maze gave him a Maze look. The combination of the two was the only thing that could shut Lucifer up.
“Yeah. I wanna help. I already turned in that bounty anyways. I got nothing else to do today.” Maze absentmindedly brushed a curl behind Eve’s ear. Eve felt like she was about to explode, from the combination of Maze being a total sweetheart without even realizing it and the physical contact.
Eve let out a happy sigh and cuddled into Maze’s shoulder. “I knew I found a good one.” Maze couldn’t look at anything other than the odd, cheerful human in her arms until a roll of Linda’s crepe paper bonked her in the noggin.
“Hey!”
Linda gestured at her vaguely. “Less cuddling, more planning!”
💐