Chapter Text
Senior week felt like a right of passage for all kids, a way to unwind after finally making it through high school and graduating.
Clay and Justin had been planning theirs with their group of friends, Dr. Ellman recommending that it would be good for both of them to go. Clay was excited, constantly thinking of things they could do while at the beach as a group, but Justin was more apprehensive.
“I just don’t think it would be good for me,” He insists, pushing his vegetables around his plate. “Can’t I just stay home and Clay can go?”
“You can stay home,” Lainie nods, nudging Justins arm in an effort to get him to eat something. “But why don’t you think it would be good for you?”
Under normal circumstances, Lainie wouldn’t question Justin’s apprehension. He’s spent a majority of the last few months focused on his sobriety, and just spent four days in the hospital with pneumonia after collapsing at prom. She thinks that warrants him being worried or having no desire to go.
But this doesn’t feel like apprehension because he’s still not feeling back to his normal self. This feels different, and she thinks maybe right now confronting it head on is what’s going to get him to open up to them.
“There’s going to be alcohol,” He mumbles, staring at his plate.
“Alcohol isn’t a trigger for you,” Matt says softly.
“But if I drink, then I might let my guard down and want to do drugs,” He explains, shaking his head. “I still don’t feel well anyway. I got out of the hospital last week.”
Lainie reaches over, resting her hand against his forehead. “You still feel a little warm. You may still have the slightest of fevers, just as you did this morning. But your doctor advised that you’d be fine to go on senior week as long as you don’t push yourself too hard and finish your antibiotics while you’re gone, and your cough sounds much better.”
“You know none of our friends are going to bring drugs, right?” Clay steps in, looking at his brother. “And there’s going to be a bunch of us there, they’re not going to let you do something that you shouldn’t be doing.”
Justin sighs. “I’ve been able to isolate myself before to get high.”
“We know that now, though. We’re not going to let you do something that you’ll regret. I’ll make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”
“You should all get to have fun without worrying about me or what I’m going to do.”
Lainie leans forward. “No one is forcing you to go if you really don’t want to. But I think you need to think about why it is that you don’t want to go, because I don’t think you’re worried about alcohol triggering you or isolating yourself away from your friends.”
Justin nods, shoving a forkful of vegetables in his mouth. The table is silent for a moment, and then Clay goes back to talking about their plans for the week with their friends, hoping it’ll sway Justin to just come with them.
—
Reluctantly, Justin spends the evening packing. Clay’s bag is by the door, ready to go for the following morning when Zach picked them up, but Justin put it off until the last minute.
Lainie comes to check on him, worried at how long he had been gone. She smiles when she sees him folding clothes and putting them in his bag that’s resting on his bed.
“You doing okay?” She asks, walking in to sit on Clay’s bed. “Feeling okay?”
“Yeah,” Justin mumbles, turning back to his dresser and pulling out another t-shirt.
“Can we talk more about why you don’t want to go? Just me and you, Matt and Clay are in the house picking out what movies he should bring.”
Tossing his bag on the ground, Justin turns to sit on his bed, facing Lainie. “It’s stupid.”
Lainie tilts her head, sighing. “It’s not stupid if it’s how you feel.”
Justin turns to lay back against his pillows. He coughs, and then turns to look up at the ceiling. “If I wasn’t adopted, I wouldn’t be going on senior week,” He mumbles. “If I was still with my mom, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for the house to rent, and a week away would’ve been hard for me not knowing if she was okay. This is just… it’s just another thing I don’t deserve since I became part of your family. I don’t deserve to do things like this just because I got out of my situation.”
He doesn’t realize Lainie moved to his bed until it dips beside him, her hand hovering just above his. “Just because it wouldn’t have been possible in your old situation doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve it now,” She reminds him. “Love, I know it’s really hard for you to let go of your past, and you know how proud we are of working through this in therapy, but punishing yourself by not enjoying things you can do now is not moving forward.”
Justin flips his hand over, letting her take it. “I just feel so guilty about being happy to be able to do this. To have these opportunities.”
“Growth isn’t comfortable,” She says carefully, squeezing his hand. “Sometimes it feels wrong and you feel guilty for pushing past what’s happened to you before. You’ve gone through this period so many times with so many things, but this is another step.”
“Feeling free to do things that wouldn’t have been possible is difficult. I know this has been what you struggled with the most, and I know that my words don’t make it any better,” She smiles, looking at him. “But I have seen you push through those moments that made you feel uncomfortable and guilty, and I’ve seen you feel more free than you had before when you came out on the other side. I want you to feel that all the time.”
Justin sucks in a breath. “Sometimes it just feels like an endless loop,” He admits quietly. “And I feel like if I just tell myself I can’t go on senior week or I do something that doesn’t make me feel as guilty, then the loop will stop. I’ll finally feel like I’m free from the past.”
“But you know that’s not true, right?” Lainie asks. “You know that stopping the progress doesn’t end the loop. It just stalls it.”
Justin nods. “I know,” He whispers. “And I don’t want to stall things, either.”
Lainie nods, squeezing his hand and reaching forward to brush her fingers through his hair. “I’ll make you a compromise,” She says quietly. “You go on senior week tomorrow with your friends and your brother. Your make the most of it, you let yourself have fun and laugh and make the memories that you’re supposed to make, all while being safe,” She smirks, earning a laugh from her youngest. “And if in a few days you still feel like this or you don’t feel well or you just want to come home for no reason at all, I’ll come get you.”
Justin turns to look at her. “You will?”
Lainie nods. “Yes, but I need you to give it two days,” She says. “And I need you to try to have fun. Do you think you can do that?”
Justin nods, smiling. “I think I can, yeah,” He says quietly, sitting up to hug her. “I love you.”
It had been months since Justin started openly saying he loved them, a reminder of the progress he made there, too. Lainie smiles, squeezing him against her chest. “I love you, too,” She whispers, kissing his head. “You’re going to be okay.”
Justin nods against her shoulder, willing himself to believe that.
—
Justin lets himself go the minute he steps onto the sand.
Lainie’s words ring through his mind, and he pushes himself to relax, telling himself that he deserves this. He watches Zach and Jess run down to the waters edge, Alex walk slowly through the sand with Tyler, and tells himself that this is how it’s meant to be.
He was meant to be here right now, making memories with his best friends who he survived high school right now.
“Come on, let’s go to the water,” Clay says, smiling beside him as Ani catches up. “Tony’s making dinner with Caleb, so we have some time.”
Justin looks back to his brother, smiling. “Okay, yeah,” He nods, walking beside he and Ani to join their friends.
He laughs at Jess and Zach inching further into the water their clothes, Jess’ laughter growing louder when Zach falls in. Alex sits along the waters edge with Tyler, the two of them talking quietly as Justin sits with Clay and Ani.
He breathes in the fresh air, leans back on his elbows and listens to the waves crashing against the shore, and fully lives in the moment.
He thinks this is what Lainie meant by letting himself have fun and make memories, and listens to his friends laughter surrounding him.
“You okay?” Clay asks, turning to look at him.
Justin parts his eyes, nodding. “I think… I think I’m just happy.”
Clay’s shoulders relax, a smile spreading across his face. “Me too,” He nods, turning back to look at the beach in front of them.
—
Dinner is centered around a big table looking over the ocean through the picture windows, the sun hazy against the horizon. Justin squeezes into a chair in between Clay and Jess, laughing as Tony serves everyone and Alex makes a snide remark about dinner. He looks around the table, thinking back to the last two years and everything this friend group has survived together.
Justin didn’t think he’d get here. He thought by now he would’ve been homeless, or dead. He definitely never saw himself graduating high school and going to college at the end of the summer. Senior week was never a thought that crossed his mind.
All he can think about is how grateful he is. To have this group of friends to survive these stories with, to have a support group that is always there for him whenever he needs it. To have a brother who pushes him out of his comfort zone more now than ever before.
Jess grabs his arm, smiling as she rests her head against his shoulder. “We did it. We graduated high school.”
Justin leans his head on top of hers, cheek pressed to her hair. “We did,” He whispers, looking around the room. “We fucking made it, can you believe that?” He laughs.
“I didn’t think it was possible half the time,” He sighs. “If you would’ve told me a year ago we’d all be sitting here around this table at the beach celebrating the fact that we graduated high school and we’re going to college, I would’ve told you you were insane.”
“Me too,” Jess smiles, lifting her head. “But I’m really glad that we made it here.”
Justin nods, digging into his dinner as everyone else does, and soaks in every conversation he can muster.
—
Charlie arrives halfway through the trip after his last day of school armed with sweet treats. He presses a kiss to Alex’s lips quickly, smiling as he says hello to everyone else.
“I hope I haven’t missed too much,” He smiles, setting his things down. “Some of us had to finish out the school year before we could have some fun.”
“You’ll get your moment in a few years,” Tony smiles, opening the container of cookies and taking one.
After Charlie settles in they make their way down to the beach, where Justin spends most of the time tossing a football back and forth with Charlie and Zach. They talk about football the following year, Charlie teasing Zach for transitioning into coach.
“All it means is that if you annoy me, I’m going to make you regret it,” Zach shrugs, tossing the football back to Charlie. “But I guess I’ll also make sure you don’t get killed being an idiot and going against the plays we call.”
Charlie shrugs, lofting the ball to Justin. “What about you? You going to come back and coach?”
Justin shrugs, tossing the ball to Zach, moving in an endless circle. “I don’t know,” He says. “I don’t think I’d be any good at coaching, and Kerba didn’t ask me back.”
“You know if you wanted to coach he’d have you back, right?” Zach asks. “Even if it’s just helping with a group or a few days a week, it could be good for you.”
Justin rolls his eyes. “You successfully brought me back to the team a few years ago, why are you trying to convince yourself of this now?”
Charlie and Zach share a glance. “Your brother is going to move across the country at the end of the summer. All of us are going to college, but you’re going to be an only child for the first time in a while, and for the first time ever with Matt and Lainie,” Zach explains. “It’d be good for you to have something so you don’t pull away from us.”
Justin makes a face. “I’m not going to pull away from you guys,” He argues, throwing the ball a little harder in Zach’s direction. “I’ll think about coaching. It could be fun, I guess.”
“It would be fun,” Charlie smiles. “And you’ve helped me learn the plays when I was starting quarterback. You’d be good at it.”
Justin nods, tossing the ball back. “I’m going in the ocean,” He declares, running to the waters edge towards Clay as both boys chase after him.
—
Lainie checks in every day for the rest of the week.
For the most part, Justin is honest. He really is having a good time, laughing with his friends and spending long hours on the beach or by the fire pit, Jess pressed to his side.
He tries not to think about things changing in a few months, that these moments won’t be as frequent, in fear that it’ll just make him upset. He knows his friend group will withstand the distance, that they will have moments like these on breaks or when someone is home.
The distance won’t be permanent.
But then there are the nights where sleep doesn’t come. Justin opts to share a room with Zach, who passes out almost immediately after his head hits the pillow. Justin stares at the ceiling for a while, listening to the waves crash against the shore, and thinks about how he doesn’t deserve this so much that he wonders if telling Lainie he wants to come home in the middle of the night is appropriate.
He never goes through with it, despite the numerous texts to Lainie he typed out and then deleted.
On the final evening, when the moon shines brightly over the water and sleep alludes Justin once more, he creeps his way out of bed and out onto the deck, looking out onto the horizon one final time at night before they leave the following morning.
He doesn’t hear the back door open, but suddenly Clay is joining him, pulling his sweatshirt around his body. “You okay? Still feel okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” He nods, coughing into his sleeve. He feels Clay’s eyes on him, and pulls the blanket tighter around him for good measure.
Clay nods, looking back out over the ocean. They’re silent for a moment, Clay chewing on his lips as he tries to form his thoughts. “Do you ever think about where you and I were two years ago?”
Justin tilts his head to look at him, smiling. “Sometimes,” He laughs. “We were really awful to each other.”
“We had our reasons,” Clay smirks. “We’ve come a long way since then.”
“Enemies to literal brothers,” Justin laughs.
There’s a beat of silence, and Clay turns to look back at the waves. “I’m glad you’re my brother,” He says quietly, pulling his legs closer to him. “Out of everyone in our friend group, I couldn’t imagine my brother not being you.”
“I’m glad, too,” Justin says quietly.
“I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without you,” Clay breathes. “I wouldn’t have been able to get through the mental breakdown or the hallucinations, or anything else we managed to survive. You were… you made it easier to get through. You were the rock I knew was always there when I needed it.”
Justin smiles. “I wouldn’t be alive without you,” He reminds him. “You pulled me off the street, you gave me a home, you got me clean. Clay, you gave me parents. Getting you through the last year was the least I could do to make it up to you for everything you’ve done for me.”
Clay smiles, pushing his head back against the chair. “We saved each other.”
“We did,” Justin nods. “Things are going to change when you leave in August.”
“They don’t have to change completely,” Clay replies quietly. “We can still talk every day, and if one of us needs the other, you know we’ll be there for each other. We’re just not going to be sharing the outhouse. We’ll be apart.”
“And a three-hour time difference,” Justin reminds him.
“Irrelevant. If you need me, then you call me. I don’t really care if it’s the middle of the night.”
“Your roommate —“
“Will learn to deal with it,” Clay finishes.
Justin nods. “You can call me, too, you know. Even if it’s the middle of the night for me.”
“Okay,” Clay nods. “We’ll figure out this whole college thing.”
“We have the whole summer to figure it out,” Justin reminds him, smiling.
Clay reaches his hand out, smiling when Justin reaches out and takes it. “We always have each other.”
Justin squeezes, nodding. “Always,” He whispers, turning back to look at the ocean.
Clay lets the moment linger for a moment, and then makes a move to stand. “Come on, Mom and Dad would be mad if you got worse again because we spent the night on the deck when it was cold.”
Justin laughs, standing up. He follows his brother back into the house, sitting down on the sofa. “Want to sleep out here with me?” He asks quietly, surprised when Clay obliges, sitting on the opposite sofa.
Justin tosses him a blanket, curling up under his own. “Clay?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
Clay parts his eyes, looking back to his brother. “I love you, too,” He whispers, burying himself further into the pillows.
Justin drifts off to sleep easier that night, and the next morning as they pack up the car to go back home, he’s grateful that he was pushed to go on this trip.
It was better than he could’ve imagined.