Chapter Text
As far as his work in the field had gone, Jukai had not managed as much as what he would expect in a given day. Of course, much of this had something to do with Hyakkimaru’s being with him. While he could avoid the corpses when there was enough distance between them, his steps had grown smaller and smaller, his brow lowered in concentration until finally, he simply latched onto Jukai’s arm, trusting that he would guide him through them without letting him step on one.
He would have liked to have hoped there were no unpleasant memories around them, but his mind drifted to the morning when Hyakkimaru had told him all that happened on his journey. The words had been disjointed and he’d had some trouble explaining what he’d done after, but his friend’s death had been clear. Jukai had thought it was because of the emotional toll of burying her, the draining effect of his fury when he had killed those responsible, but knowing now that his son could not see the dead, perhaps that wasn’t the only reason.
It wouldn’t do to force him to deal with this for the rest of the afternoon, Jukai thought, even as some part of him insisted that he needed to continue, that this was the only thing he could do without creating further harm. But in this case, that was untrue. With Hyakkimaru here, the act became harmful to him. Even if Jukai could somehow reach into his head and remove his memories of burying his friend, the fact remained that he couldn’t see the corpses and he wasn’t comfortable trying to navigate them.
And so instead, he led him to a place near the trees where they could sit down.
Almost immediately, he picked up on his reasoning. “Work is more? Is done?” It was that same uncertain tone that meant he knew there was some other reason, but didn’t know what it was.
No. There was still so much he needed to do. “I am considering this work done, at least for the time being.”
“Because me?” Ah. Of course, Hyakkimaru would reach that conclusion. After all, he’d been piecing that kind of thing together at least since he and his brothers had come here, if not before.
“Because of you? In part, yes. I don’t know what kind of parent forces his son to walk through a field of corpses just to soothe his own conscience, do you?” It might have been the wrong thing to say, considering what his birth father had done to him.
But he had been with him three days already, and Hyakkimaru had not referred to him as anything but Daigo Kagemitsu. He called Jukai “mama,” and referred to his birth mother as “Tahomaru’s mama,” but Daigo had never been anything resembling a parent.
When Hyakkimaru only shrugged in response, Jukai forced himself not to release a sigh of relief. It didn’t do any good to push him in ways he had no way of perceiving, but it didn’t do much good to act like he was fragile, either. The skin on his body was proof enough that he wasn’t.
“But I do have another reason as well.” This was no less true than his claim that he’d decided his work in the field was done for a bit. “There is something I want to discuss with you, and it would be a bit difficult if all your attention is on ensuring you don’t step in something.”
Hyakkimaru’s brow lifted, as if trying to determine from Jukai’s tone whether the subject was good or bad. To be truthful, Jukai was not sure which it was himself. Perhaps both and neither at the same time, but something that must be done nonetheless.
“When I sent you to retrieve your body, we had never discussed why, or what you might do once you have everything back.” This was at least partially Jukai’s own fault, assuming that Hyakkimaru would find his birth family and remain with them. A part of him had hoped that he would choose to return, or at least visit every now and then, even if he’d known he didn’t have the right to accept it.
“Mm.” Hyakkimaru chewed the inside of his lip, fingers not quite working over his hem, but at least beginning to search for it.
“You may have found your own reasons already. If that’s so, I would like to hear them,” he smiled, putting an encouraging hand on his son’s shoulder.
He shook his head, lowering his brow as his face twisted in concentration, mouth working like he was searching for something he didn’t know how to describe.
Ah. Perhaps he didn’t, at least out loud. That was easily remedied. “If you would prefer to write it instead, you can do so.” It wasn’t as though he needed his permission for that, but if he was focused on his answer, it might have slipped his mind.
Again, Hyakkimaru shook his head, breathing out and running his fingers over the fabric. “Don’t know. Because it’s mine. Don’t know.”
Jukai reached out and ran his free hand over the back of his hair. “That’s fine. You don’t have to have a reason now.” In so many ways, it was a relief that he hadn’t answered because you told me to.
“But later?”
Briefly, Jukai wondered if he would have asked so many questions, had he been able to speak as a child. Then the memory of Hyakkimaru holding up sticks, worms, fruit, even a snake or two (which had certainly been an experience) and looking at him as expectantly as one could through a mask. In his way, he supposed he had.
“At some point, yes,” he answered him. “But it’s more important that you know what you’ll do after you’ve recovered your body.”
He could see him becoming agitated, almost beginning to rock as he sat, trying to work himself back from it. “Don’t know,” he repeated. “Don’t know what I do after, too.”
It wasn’t as though he could be expected to, not when they hadn’t even known regaining it was a possibility until he was fifteen. Jukai hadn’t prepared him for any kind of trade. “That’s all right. You have time to figure it out.”
Hyakkimaru was still shaking his head, occasionally mumbling “don’t know what I do,” and so Jukai started to think of what other options they might have. He could drop the subject entirely, but that wouldn’t put him any closer to having an idea of after he had his body, or he could continue to press it, ask him what kinds of things he liked to do, what kinds of things he saw people doing that he wondered about. There would be limits, of course, to which were possible, but…at least beginning to look at options wouldn’t hurt.
“Would you mind if I helped you figure it out?” Almost instantly, his mind screamed that this was the wrong answer. But it stopped Hyakkimaru mid-sentence as his own mind worked out the offer.
Agitation melted away, fading out into confusion and then to relief. “Yes. Help me is good.”
“All right, then.” This would be a start.