Chapter Text
ONE AND A HALF YEARS LATER…
Zoe and Evan were looking forward to meeting Zoe’s parents for lunch at the orchard. It had officially reopened last year with the new name and everything. At first both Zoe and Evan had been very hesitant to go. They felt like they’d made their peace with it, that they didn’t need to be at the “Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard” to remember Connor. And it’s reopening had come at a great emotional cost to both of them, something they didn’t like reminiscing about, even though they still dealt with the aftermath of it almost two years later.
But then they found out the Cynthia and Larry had been going almost every weekend since it had reopened. Even though both of them knew that the idea of Connor loving this place and spending time there with Evan wasn’t real, being there still brought them comfort and helped them remember Connor. At least that’s what they told Zoe and Evan.
So when Cynthia had invited them out for a picnic at the orchard instead of Ellison, they’d agreed, not knowing what to expect, but hoping to be pleasantly surprised. And they figured they should see it at least once. See what the Connor Project had actually done with the money raised, even though they were not associated with it at all anymore. Maybe it would be comforting or maybe it’d give them a greater sense of closure before they left their hometown. Because once they left, they didn’t plan on coming back very often.
Both Evan and Zoe had gotten into NYU, with Evan studying environmental biology as a transfer student from the community college and Zoe starting as freshman in the music program. Zoe was graduating high school in two weeks and they were moving to New York shortly after. Both of them wanted to just start fresh, in a big city where (hopefully) no one would know them as Connor Murphy’s best friend and little sister. A place where they’d finally be free.
They were both incredibly excited to explore the city and just be able to be together. They were planning on getting every tourist-y thing off their list when they first got there, so by the time class started, they could call themselves real New Yorkers. They had found a very small, somewhat dingy apartment near the campus to move into, and they were even excited for that. It wasn’t much, but it would be theirs and they were ready for the next part of their lives to start. More than ready to leave this part behind.
Zoe pulls into the crowded parking lot, having a lot more trouble parking than they did the last time her and Evan had been there, albeit it had technically been closed then. But it’s kind of nice that people were coming to the orchard she supposes. Making memories there the same way she had as a little girl and now as a young adult.
“Look at all the people Ev, I didn’t think it’d be this busy,” Zoe says, getting out of her car and immediately finding Evan’s hand, interlacing them as they walked towards the entrance, squeezing his hand for support. She still got a little nervous around larger crowds or anything that reminded her of the hallways at school, where she always felt like she had to be on high alert, watching for people who would try to bully her.
“Me neither, but at least people like it and it was worth trying to reopen, you know? Like at least it didn’t open just to have to close again if no one went,” Evan tells her, kissing her cheek, trying to look on the brighter side of things. He’d been trying to do that a lot lately. He had a lot of good things in life right now, a lot of good days, and he was sure today was going to be one of them.
“Yeah that’s true. And look Evan, they have resources available to people,” Zoe says, pointing to what looked like a kiosk, filled with different pamphlets about depression, anxiety, suicide, bullying, and more, even some charging phones with numbers for hotlines. At least Alana Beck had pulled through with that.
“She wanted it to be a sanctuary of sorts, so I guess that aspect worked out,” Evan says, remembering all of Alana’s plans from the very beginning, but deliberately doesn’t use her name. He tried not to think about Alana or Jared often because what they’d done still upset him and Zoe. And they’d never come back to actually apologize to either of them, just avoided them, planned the orchard reopening, and then Evan thinks left for college out of town. But he wasn’t sure, and he honestly didn’t care.
“Yeah, I can see why my parents like it here. The new trees are really nice, I like how small they are. Someday they’ll be as big as the one we climbed, even if the orchard closes again and I think that’s really cool,” Zoe tells Evan, stopping on the path to delicately touch one of the leaves on one of the saplings, looking to him with awe. Evan just smiles at her and nods, knowing exactly what she meant. It was one of the reasons he loved trees so much, they surpassed humans and continued to persevere, sometimes even growing back once they’d burned or died. They were always growing and changing, but always stayed grounded, stayed themselves.
Evan and Zoe continue on peacefully down the path, admiring the new trees, swinging their hands lightly, and just enjoy being outside. They had both been cramming for their finals and spending most of their time either in Evan’s room or the library. And Zoe had been busy practicing the pieces the band was going to perform at the graduation commencement and her audition pieces for NYU (she’d already been stressing about them being perfect), so the outside air and sun shining on them was a nice change, one they were going to soak up as best they could.
Zoe spots her parents at the edge of the orchard property, sitting on a blanket, prepping lunch, clearly knowing Zoe and Evan would be arriving soon. From a distance her parents looked serene, like any other couple enjoying a day at an apple orchard, and it makes her happy. While things hadn’t been as bad as when Connor was alive or those few weeks where the Connor Project had blown up (the first time and another flare up when the orchard had actually opened), they hadn’t been easy. And Zoe was sure the thought of her leaving wasn’t easy on them either, but they were doing okay. They’d probably never heal fully from the loss of Connor, but they’d be okay. All of them would be okay.
“Mom, Dad,” Zoe yells to them, waving happily back at them when they started to wave to her and Evan. She hadn’t seen them since yesterday because she’d spent the night at Evan’s, and truthfully, she was going to miss them a lot once she left, so she wanted these last couple weeks to be calm and filled with good memories they all could look back on. They had a lot to celebrate, a lot of really good things happening.
“Oh loves you’re just in time, I was just setting everything out. Your dad and I don’t normally bring all this on our trips, but since you two are here this time, I thought I’d go all out, a full picnic,” Cynthia says cheerily, pointing to all the things she’d packed. It makes Evan chuckle, because Cynthia always went all out, no matter how small the occasion, and he was pretty sure their little trips probably always looked like this. But it still made him feel special and it was one of the reasons he loved her so much.
“Me and Zoe were just talking about how beautiful it is here actually. We understand why you’ve been coming, it’s nice to see,” Evan tells them quietly, sitting down on the blanket with Zoe, feeling her lean into him comfortingly, hands still intertwined.
“It is really beautiful Evan, I’m glad you guys decided to come see it,” Cynthia tells him smiling gently at him, patting his knee before sitting back down next to Larry.
“Yeah us too,” Zoe says, reaching over for the tupperware of goldfish crackers her mom had brought setting them right between her and Evan. She grabs a handful to start eating, tossing one out to a bird who had flown close to them, giggling as it flew away with the cracker, making Evan laugh too.
“So Evan, how’s the New York job search coming?” Larry asks, trying to start a conversation about things the kids were looking forward to, like moving. It was easier than talking more about the orchard or bringing up anything else from the past.
Evan’s first instinct is to lie, tell both Cynthia and Larry that the search was going well, that he was sure he’d have a job once they moved, but that wasn’t true. He feels Zoe squeeze his hand, reminding him that it was okay, that he could tell her parents the truth. He’d worked really hard to get his current job at Pottery Barn and he was working hard to get a new job too. He wasn’t planning on letting the Murphy’s pay for everything, even though they were helping a lot by insisting that Zoe not work her first year in college, that they’d cover her expenses, (including rent for the apartment they were both living in).
“Um, not great actually, but I’m still trying. I just wish there was a Pottery Barn closer to where we’re going to live, so I could just transfer. But Dr. Sherman says our practice interviews are getting a lot better, so I feel good about that at least,” Evan tells them, squeezing Zoe’s hand again comfortingly. He was proud of the work he was doing with Dr. Sherman, having decided on his own to start seeing them again last year.
Evan had talked about it a lot with Zoe and his mom before making the decision to go back to therapy and start taking medication again, switching to a new one that actually made him feel better. He didn’t want to feel so anxious about everything in his life that wasn’t Zoe, to let his intrusive mind take over when she wasn’t there. Sometimes he felt like he was putting too much pressure on her, even though she assured him he wasn’t, but he still thought it was something he needed to do. He wanted to be able to get a job successfully and drive and to curb his reflex to lie when things were difficult. He wanted to be the best version of Evan he could be, for Zoe and for himself. And things were improving, they really were.
He sometimes worked the register at work instead of just restocking, able to talk casually with strangers or even direct customers to places in the store when they needed help. When him and Zoe went out to eat or something, he’d order for both of them (as skills practice, not because he thought he needed to order for Zoe). He’d even successfully ordered delivery, opening the door and making change with the driver, talking even if he’d said some pretty weird stuff. He’d gotten his driver’s license right before winter break and he didn’t have a car still, but he knew how to drive and could do it legally. Which honestly made him feel much better because the anxiety of not being able to drive Zoe if there was an emergency or she needed him outweighed any anxiety over driving himself. Plus, they had some pretty cute driving practice dates in empty parking lots before Evan took the test. And Evan felt like he’d accomplished so many other little things that used to feel impossible. He was proud of himself and he knew Zoe was too. So he was sure he’d get a job once they got to New York, that everything would work itself out.
“That’s okay dear. I bet it’ll be easier when you’re actually there and can get a better feel for everything,” Cynthia tells him kindly, smiling at him, knowing he was probably worried that her and Larry thought he wasn’t trying hard enough. They knew he was. Evan had tried his hardest every single day to make up for lying to them right after Connor had died. He tried for Zoe and he tried for them. And they’d forgiven him many times over and accepted him back into their lives. He was as much their son as Connor had been and as Zoe was their daughter. They’d make sure both of their kids were doing okay once they left. They wanted to send both Zoe and Evan off to college in a good place, make their transition easier and set them up for success.
“Yeah I think so too,” Evan says hopefully, reaching across the blanket to grab a container of grapes, adding playfully, “But in the meantime, I still have my friends and family discount at Pottery Barn in case anyone needs some overpriced home décor. So let me know, because the window of opportunity is closing fast.”
“I think we’ve taken full advantage of that Ev. We really don’t need a fourth set of sheets for our new apartment,” Zoe laughs, knowing that she’d convinced her mom to take her while Evan was working so they could hang out and pick out things for when they moved. Zoe had told him his discount was his contribution and the rest was part of her graduation present. Zoe claimed a lot of things her parents were buying (that both of them were going to be using) were part of her graduation present. At first, he’d felt pretty weird about it, knowing the disaster that the Murphy’s originally trying to pay for his college was, but after some serious convincing from Zoe, Evan had just learned to accept it. Zoe’s parents wanted both of them to be happy and taken care of during their first year away from home, and even if he thought it was overly generous, he was grateful for Cynthia and Larry. It made him a lot less worried about the move in general too, knowing that they were supportive.
“Well you never know, it’s best to offer,” Evan laughs along with her, poking her playfully, making Zoe laugh even more and start poking him in return, quickly turning into a tickle fight. Cynthia just smiles at them, watching them play, happy they were both happy. That they had something incredibly exciting to look forward to. That they had each other.
“Yes, it was nice of you to offer Evan. Now Zoe, have you thought more about your graduation party? It’s so close, we’ll need to send out invitations soon,” Cynthia asks her, changing the topic and looking over to Zoe expectantly. Zoe’s light and playful demeanor immediately falls, her and Evan’s tickle fight ceasing as Zoe froze, looking down away from her parents. Evan offers her his hand once more in support, concerned as Zoe started to fidget with his hand instead of answering her mom’s question.
Zoe had been pushing off planning a graduation party because she didn’t want one, but it was clearly important to her parents or her mom at least. The topic of graduation and everything that came with it was something she had talked about a lot recently with her own therapist. She felt like her parents were trying to plan a huge event, but she didn’t want that, and it made her feel guilty. But she didn’t have many friends to invite, never really fully recovering from the harassment of junior year, and she felt like most of her extended family would start talking about Connor if they were invited. She truly just wanted Evan, her parents, and Heidi there to do something, but she thought that plan would disappoint her parents and she didn’t want to do that to them. They’d already lost the chance to do this for their other child and she just didn’t want to hurt them more.
“Um, well I was thinking about it and I think that it’d be best for me if we just did something small, just us and Heidi,” Zoe tells them, saying what she’d gone over in therapy, trying to emphasize her wants for something that was supposed to be about her. Dr. Leslie had said if they really wanted to throw a party to celebrate Zoe’s accomplishments above anything else, then they’d be okay with what she wanted. Evan squeezes her hand to reassure her, starting to move his thumb back and forth gently, knowing that Zoe had been avoiding this topic for a while, only talking about it with him and her therapist.
Evan glances over to Cynthia, looking so Zoe wouldn’t have to, and he does think she maybe looks a little disappointed, but probably not to the extent Zoe thought, and then he looks over to Larry, who looks relieved. Maybe he didn’t want a big thing either, an even bigger reminder that they should’ve had a party last year too. Evan thinks those little reminders would probably never go away as Zoe aged, that Cynthia and Larry would always have mixed feelings sad and happy at the same time as they witnessed all the things Zoe got to do as an adult, that their son would never. It hadn’t gotten easier for him, and Evan hadn’t even known Connor when he was alive.
“Well if that’s the case, then why don’t we maybe all go out to dinner instead? How does that sound Zoe?” Larry says encouragingly, placing his arm around Cynthia like a gentle reminder that it was okay that Zoe didn’t want a huge catered party, that they didn’t need that for something to be special. They had their family and that was enough.
“That sounds really nice Dad,” Zoe tells him smiling, looking up from where she’d been focusing on her and Evan’s hands to see both her parents watching her carefully, accepting that even if Cynthia wanted something bigger, it was okay that she didn’t. That sometimes it was more important to put Zoe first.
“You just let me know where and I’ll make the reservation love,” Cynthia says softly, watching as Zoe’s face went from apprehensive back to cheerful, now that something that had been bothering her for weeks was taken care of, without any arguing or guilt.
And Cynthia had noticed this whole time that Zoe never let go of Evan’s hand, that they’d been squeezing each other’s hands back and forth, like a silent language just between them. And it makes her feel good that Zoe had someone to lean on, who cared so much about her, that wasn’t either of her parents.
Finishing high school had been a feat for both Evan and Zoe even with them being a year apart in school, and Cynthia thinks it probably wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t been supporting each other through it all. Zoe had really struggled to finish junior year and it only happened because Evan was there with her. Senior year Zoe had spent a lot of time off campus with Evan at the college and just managed to tolerate school even with jazz band. And she was pretty sure Evan adjusted to college because Zoe had been there with him for most of it. But they were both doing well now, off to better and bigger things.
“I know my mom can’t wait to celebrate you graduating Zo. She already requested the time off and everything,” Evan tells Zoe kissing her cheek lightly, excited that they’d be spending time to celebrate just Zoe, and they’d be doing it as a complete family, including his mom as part of that family. Zoe looks excited to hear that too. She really liked Heidi after getting to know her a lot better.
Zoe’s relationship with Heidi had been just as slow growing as Evan’s rebuilding with her own parents had been. At first she’d been hesitant to get close to Heidi, mostly because she was so protective of Evan. Heidi had hurt Evan a lot in the past and she just wanted to see her stick to her promises before she really let her guard down around her. Heidi had been a lot better since Evan had told her the truth, putting in the effort to connect with Evan, to make time for him, to be understanding and welcoming of the people he loved, like Zoe and her family. And since Zoe was such a big part of Evan’s life, Heidi had been making time for Zoe too. She’d even managed to come to the spring concert with Evan to cheer Zoe on. Zoe cared the most about Heidi’s actions and she’d proven that she was serious about mending her relationship with her son, and that was good enough for Zoe. But most importantly in Zoe’s opinion, Evan seemed happy with his relationship with his mom, so she was even more willing to accept and embrace Heidi, a way to show Evan she would stand by him and his decisions.
“Well, now that that’s settled, Evan what have you been up to lately? I feel like we haven’t seen you in ages,” Cynthia asks him, passing out little sandwiches to everyone. And Evan knows that’s true, he hadn’t seen Cynthia or Larry in a couple weeks, not on purpose, he’d just been busy. Balancing work and school and spending time with Zoe, planning a move, it had been a lot over these last couple weeks.
“I’ve been studying a lot and just working a lot to save up for NYU. But I, um, we um, me and Zoe started a new reading project too and that’s been keeping us busy,” Evan tells them, keeping their reading project purposely vague, not knowing if it was something Zoe had wanted to tell her parents. It wasn’t anything bad, but he didn’t want to share things before Zoe was ready.
But Zoe gives him a subtle nod and a little kiss to their clasped hands, letting him know it was okay to talk about if her parents asked more questions, like she was sure they were going to.
“What kind of reading project? Something for school or for fun?” Larry asks curiously, knowing that Evan liked reading and had even considered majoring in English, but Zoe on the other hand, literature wasn’t exactly high on her list of favorites (she preferred art and music, something that Evan only preferred when Zoe was doing them).
“Well, me and Zoe had been going through some old yearbooks and school stuff, and we found some project my class had done freshman year, a collage of things that were supposed to be really important to us. Most people put like their friends or whatever, but um, we found Connor’s and he put a list of his ten favorite books. We’ve been trying to read them all,” Evan tells them, turning to smile at Zoe and pull her a little closer. He had the idea of looking through some old school stuff to get to know Connor better a long time ago, but they’d just recently done it. And both Dr. Sherman and Dr. Leslie had agreed with them that it could be a really good experience for them to read those books. That it would help both of them get to know Connor just a bit better so Evan wouldn’t be so haunted by still being referred to as his “best friend” and so Zoe could see past the hurt he caused.
They’d only gotten through one so far, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, but they’d spent several hours talking about it. The parts they liked, the parts they thought Connor would have liked, and everything in between. And it had been really nice, seeing things just a little differently. Seeing Connor just a little differently.
When Evan looks to Cynthia, her eyes are misty, but she looks so incredibly moved by Evan telling them this, thankful that Evan was still trying to make amends, still trying to remember and preserve her Connor. And Larry looks the same, unable to say anything or do anything except rub his wife’s arm comfortingly.
“I know it’s not the same as knowing Connor, or at least 15 year-old-Connor, but…” Evan starts to say when Zoe cuts in finishing for him, “But it’s something.”
“It really is something and that’s really special,” Cynthia says wiping away a stray tear, so happy that the two kids in front of her were doing this particular project, reaching out to Connor through the one thing she knew without a doubt he loved. And she knew it probably wasn’t easy for either of them to start or continue on through all ten books, but they were working on it and that’s what mattered most.
They spend the rest of lunch talking about other little things and projects they’d all been doing. At one-point Evan gets talking about the research paper he was writing as one of his finals on environmental policies and climate change, and he gets so excited he starts rambling and no one has the heart to stop him. Zoe always thought Evan’s rambles were one of the cutest things about him, especially when they were driven by excitement, not anxiety, so she just lets herself get lost in it, glad to hear Evan’s voice, confident and clear.
And eventually the conversation steers towards Zoe and she starts talking about all the different arrangements she’d been practicing, knowing that she was auditioning at NYU with both piano and guitar but couldn’t decide on the exact pieces to use. She wanted to show her range and skill but still choose pieces that meant a lot to her emotionally, knowing she’d play better if she was more invested. Evan knows she’s going to be incredible and blow the directors away no matter what she chose to play, and he just can’t wait to see her soar in college with her music.
The whole afternoon is nice and normal and fun, getting the chance to just chatter away about their lives. And Evan can hardly believe this was his life now. That he’d made it to a point where he had a girlfriend who he loved, who meant everything to him. That he had a family he could rely on and cherish. That he was part of something. But more than anything, that he’d made it to the point where he was finally being himself and accepting that it was good enough. He was good enough.
Eventually Evan checks the time and he knows him and Zoe had to get going. He had reserved study space in the library at the community college and he needed to finish up his last couple of assignments and study for a final next week. Zoe was planning on coming with him, something she did often. She liked to study or do homework for her own classes at the college with Evan rather than at home or at the high school. And since Zoe had driven them to the orchard, it just made more sense for her to drive Evan. But he doesn’t even get a chance to say anything, because Zoe beats him to it.
“Well, it’s almost our study time at the college, so me and Evan should probably head out now-ish so we’re not late,” Zoe tells her parents, handing the now empty tupperwares back to her mom before standing up and pulling Evan up with.
“Okay dears, we’re going to stay here a bit longer. You two have fun. Study hard,” Cynthia tells them, following Zoe in standing up so she could give them both a goodbye hug, squeezing Evan just a little tighter and a little longer. She wanted him to know it meant a lot her that he was here with them. And the small smile he gives her as she lets him go, makes her think that he knows it and doesn’t doubt her love in the slightest.
“Zoe, you’ll be home for dinner, right?” Larry says more so than asks, his tone clearly showing that he just wanted to spend more time with her before the move as he stood up like the rest of them. Zoe nods in response just as Larry turns to Evan asking him, “Will you be joining us tonight Evan?”
“No, I can’t tonight. My mom and I are making dinner. But next time though, you still have to show me how to set up the baseball app on my phone. I want to stay caught up on the league stats after we move,” Evan tells him, chuckling as he sees Zoe roll her eyes. She still couldn’t believe her dad had somehow turned Evan into an actual baseball fan. Evan wasn’t even lying to her dad, he actually enjoyed watching and talking about baseball. It was dreadfully boring in her opinion, and the only good thing to come of from this “father-son bonding” was the super cute pictures she’d taken of her and Evan at a baseball game this spring.
“That’s my boy,” Larry tells him, clapping Evan’s back, laughing at Zoe’s continued look of annoyance over baseball-talk. Cynthia just smiles at all of three of them, thinking the whole interaction was funny. From her experience, baseball never got more exciting and always stayed exciting to the men. Zoe was going to have to put up with it for a long time and probably needed to get used to just tuning it all out.
“Okay let’s go before you two start talking those fake teams or whatever,” Zoe says, tugging Evan along and waving goodbye to her parents, Evan following suit, waving goodbye merrily. When they’re far enough away from Zoe’s parents, Evan stops them and pulls Zoe close, kissing her soundly, moving his hands to her low back as hers found their way to his neck. A little bit to make up for the baseball talk, but mostly because he loved her and hadn’t kissed her since this morning which was just too long.
When they break away, both of them are breathless and Zoe’s face is a little flushed as she toys with his hair flirtily, asking Evan, “Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for Ev?”
“Because I love you and because today’s been a really good day,” Evan tells her, positive that his face was matching her rosy tint too. Evan told her he loved her more than once every day, but every time he said it, it still made him giddy. And he was pretty sure Zoe felt the same based on the way her smile always got bigger and she always held him a little closer whenever he said it.
“I love you too Evan. I’m glad we came today, got to see all this. I think it is been a good thing, the orchard re-opening,” Zoe says, letting her hands trail from his neck to wrap around his torso, pulling him into a tight hug, keeping him close.
“Yeah me too, Zo. I think it’s nice for people to have, especially your parents. Just having a place to go has probably, I don’t know,” Evan pauses, try to think of precisely what he meant, not wanting to fumble over his words, looking into Zoe’s eyes, seeing if she knew where he was going with this. And Zoe nods her head, finishing for him, “Has helped fill the void Connor left? Even just a little bit? Even if it’s not totally true?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” Evan tells her, letting go of her as she started to pull away from their embrace, returning to holding hands and walking towards the entrance of the orchard.
“I know we’ve always wondered if Connor ever went here, but I was talking to Dr. Leslie and she said it didn’t really matter if he did or not. That I can still imagine he did and that he would’ve liked it even more now, if thinking that helps me. That we don’t have to feel guilty about not knowing for sure or writing it into his story,” Zoe says quietly, kicking some of the gravel as they made their way into the parking lot, doing their best to avoid the areas with more people.
“I think that too. And I think he would be happy knowing that all of this happened even though the path to it wasn’t great. People who feel like they have nothing have a place to go, even if it’s just for a day or a few hours. And I think that would’ve meant a lot to Connor, because it means a lot to me. And I think he’d be glad knowing that you’re doing better and you’re parents too,” Evan tells her, recognizing that at their worst, him and Connor had been very similar, and had just ended up on different paths. And Evan can recognize that people who felt like him and Connor did, they found something to hold onto through the Connor Project, and ultimately that was good thing.
“Sometimes I wish Connor was here, that everything turned out differently but also the same if that makes sense? Like I wouldn’t change anything about us but sometimes I really wish I had my brother Ev,” Zoe says, leaning against the side of her car instead of getting in, feeling like they needed to finish their thoughts before they left the orchard completely, that once they left it’d be a while before they talked about it again.
“No I know what you mean Zoe. I’d never change anything about our relationship, but I think all the time about what could have been if just one thing had been different, and I wish Connor was here too,” Evan tells her, kissing her forehead and tucking her hair behind her ears, letting his thumbs move softly across her cheeks, watching as her look of wonder turned into a soft smile of acceptance, matching his. They’d probably always wonder about how everything could have been different, but that wouldn’t change anything that was, everything that did end up happening and that was okay. They stay like that for just a few more minutes, content to be close to one another, until Zoe gives Evan a little nod, letting him know she was okay with leaving.
And once they’re in her car driving and singing like they normally did; Evan can’t help but think he and Zoe had been right to hope for the best today. That coming to the orchard with her parents was a nice reminder that at least one good thing had come from his web of lies senior year. Well, maybe two if he counted befriending and dating Zoe. But he was pretty sure they would have happened eventually because being with Zoe felt like fate, like they were tied together by some golden string, meant to find each other, meant to be each other’s everything.
And if was still writing letters to himself, he thinks today’s might go like this,
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why; because today no matter what else, at least you’re you. And that’s enough. No more hiding. No more lying. Just you, and that's enough for Zoe, it’s enough for your mom, and it’s enough for the Murphy’s. Maybe someday... everything that happened, maybe it’ll feel like a distant memory? Maybe someday no one will even remember about the Connor Project, or that you were involved, that you claimed to be Connor Murphy’s best friend.
But maybe someday some other kid will be standing here, staring out at the trees feeling so alone. Wondering if maybe the world might look different from all the way up there. That maybe it’d be better if they just went to see. And then maybe they'll start climbing one branch at a time, and then they'll keep going, even when it seems like they can't find another foothold. Even when it feels hopeless like everything is telling them to let go. But they won’t. They'll just hold on. They'll hold on and they'll keep going. And when they come back down and see the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard sign, they’ll feel a little less alone.
Sincerely your best self,
Me