Chapter Text
They say time flew when you were happy and dragged when you were not. Xiao Yan Zi knew first hand that this had merit, because when she was growing up, time seemed to always move at some excruciatingly slow pace, making miserable days seem like they would never end. It had to be noted, she wasn't miserable all the time, not even when she was in the possession of the worst of masters – or, often was the case, on the run from them. Xiao Yan Zi learnt early on to find pleasure in the smallest of good things in life, as to distract herself from the endless cycles of the sun, rising often on her cold back and empty stomach, and setting on the same.
She must be happy now, because soon after things settled around the whole ordeal concerning her family, the year that followed seemed to have gone by in the blink of an eye.
It was hardly a peaceful year. No, Xiao Yan Zi did not expect it to be uneventful after such an eventful beginning. The most overwhelming aspect of the year was of course learning to deal with the fact that she had a family and for the first time in her life, having the luxury of simply being a part of that family, one of her own, one that she did not have to question or think of 'what if' or 'but'.
Nothing that had happened before in her life could have prepared her for what was to follow. It was not like her initial days in the palace, when she was in a constant whirlwind of delirious drunkenness on a new kind of parental love yet at the same time drowning in dread and fear of her secret coming out. Nor was it like the giddy, crazy lightheaded feeling of knowing that Xiao Jian was her brother. This was entirely something else. There were laughs and tears and pain and quiet moments and wonder and everything in between, and though she had spent so much of her life fending for herself, and she did wish she hadn't been lost to them for so long, the fact that she had spent all those years before lacking them made her time now with them that much more of a blessing.
Looking back, Xiao Yan Zi noted wryly that the advantage of how much both the outer and inner courts loved sensationalism was that often they only had the attention span for one salacious piece of gossip at a time. While the whole intrigue of her family turning out to be alive managed to be kept more or less a secret from the inner palace, but thanks to Fu Ling An, it was a well-known fact among the court officials. They were divided then about how Huang Shang should deal with these new-found in-laws who happened to hold some rather unfortunate world view.
However, as soon as the scandalous truth revealed itself of how such a respected general such as Fu Ling An had sought to lure Yi Fei's family into a trap in order to further his own personal agenda, and when failing that, persuaded his own daughter to stage a pregnancy and miscarriage in order to frame Yi Fei herself, the officials became too busy debating if Huang Shang's punishment for Fu Ling An was too harsh, or harsh enough, that they did not much care how Huang Shang dealt then with Yi Fei's family. Or perhaps, the fact that the whole family's involvement in this ordeal at all was actually planned and staged by Fu Ling An put things in perspective, that there was more than one level of wrong in this odd situation.
Still, Xiao Yan Zi knew that Fang Yi, and by association, their family, couldn't be allowed to go one without some kind of punishment as well. It was a kind of compromise. Through this whole saga that seemed like much fuss made over nothing, if Fu Ling An was to get a warning about overstepping his boundaries, so Fang Yi would also have to accept a rap on the knuckles for daring to consider such dangerous, rebellious thoughts. Of course, once it was made clear that the White Lotus Sect had no actual involvement in the whole situation, and only their name was borrowed to lure Fang Yi into a trap, it was easy to argue that any slight ambitions Fang Yi might have had about joining a rebel group could be, and had been, overturned when he played a part in capturing Wang Xi and bringing to light how it had been Fu Ling An who set in motion all this unnecessary chaos.
In the end, her family's sentence was that they were forbidden to leave Beijing for an indefinite period of time. While they would be allowed to live away from Fu residence, they would be subject to surveillance and monitoring. (Considering this surveillance would be carried out by Er Tai, it was clear to all from the start that they did not need to worry it would put too much actual restrictions on them.) All this was under the guise of preventing Fang Yi, or anyone else in the family, from seeking out and meeting anyone with real, actual rebellious intents this time, something that could ostensibly happen if they were allowed to move away from the careful watch of those in the capital and move further south.
It was hardly a harsh sentence, to be sure, but when it was given, no one among the court officials found it particularly politic to criticise Huang Shang on how lenient the sentence was when the crime of treasonous thoughts was such a serious one. After all, if Fu Ling An and his daughter were to get off so lightly for crimes that could be considered equally serious, Huang Shang could not be pushed to punish the Fang family too harshly for their opinions. And it was in the general court and country's benefit to keep Fu Ling An's punishment so light.
Yet, in some ways, Xiao Yan Zi knew that for her family, it was actually a form of punishment. She did not think that her father, or either of her brothers, or Cheng An for that matter, after all that they had been through, would ever like being told where they could and could not go, where they must live and stay. Xiao Jian had told her, when he set the family towards Beijing to meet her, he had hoped that they would stay in the city for an extended period of time, so that their family could all be united in one place. But if it had gone according to Xiao Jian's plan, at least the stay in Beijing would have been a choice. Their staying now was no longer a choice, even if it was what all of them wanted. The bizarreness of what was "forced" on them being also what they wanted gave Xiao Yan Zi a headache if she thought about it too much.
They stayed in Beijing, however, and as long as they drew little attention to themselves, then the court had enough intrigue to keep people's heads and minds turning other ways. Her father had no intention of returning to politics again, and considering Xiao Jian had turned down Huang Ah Ma's offer of a position before, Xiao Yan Zi knew Yong Qi understood his wishes enough to not try and renew the offer. Since her family had no ties to the imperial court whatsoever now, except through her, Xiao Yan Zi's life in the palace needed not be too stirred up by their lives outside the palace, or vice versa. Among all the concubines whose very purpose was to bridge alliances and bind loyalties which could always shift and change and become reasons for sabotage not unlike what Fu Ling An had attempted here, her family's lack of presence in politics now meant that they could no longer be used against her. Given enough time, they would sink into the backdrop of Beijing as a simple family trading and selling herbs and medicine, who just happened to be related to an imperial consort, but at least, they would be assured that their wellbeing would never be subject to an emperor's capricious affections and her ability to keep it. If anything, Yong Qi's constant love for her would ensure that they would always be comfortable without having to seek ways to climb social ladders. Xiao Yan Zi was sure her father had also seen enough of the world to be content with where he was, and understood that the higher one climbed, the more dangerous it got, and the harder the potential fall.
Beijing was, at first, a way to lay low while the furor around them cooled down. Xiao Yan Zi was relieved to note that cooled it did, and rapidly so. There were moments when she was almost afraid that after it had all died down, her family would wish to leave Beijing and never come back, considering how much confusion and disarray the city had brought into their lives.
"But Beijing is where you are," Xiao Jian told her when she confided this fear to him. "You underestimate how valuable you are as an incentive for us to stay, even in spite of everything that has happened. After all, that is over now."
"You don't think Father would want to return to Hangzhou sometimes?" she asked.
"Father hasn't been back to Hangzhou since he left it years ago to escape the execution. I don't think he wants to return. Of course, our family root is there, but it is now also associated with some of the darkest days of his life. I grew up in Dali and in some ways, that would be where I'd be drawn to, given the choice, but to Father, honestly it is just one of the many places he found himself living. One of the reasons it was not that hard to convince the entire family going to Beijing in the first place was because they had always moved around so much, for fear of someone discovering their real identities. Now that is now longer an issue, I think it would be better for everyone if our family were to settle in one place."
"Beijing?"
"It is one possibility," Xiao Jian said. "As I said, you are more incentive to stay here than you would give yourself credit for."
"Have you and Father talked about it though?"
"Not yet. But I think with everything settling so well with our family lately, it is not a pressing issue right now. Our family tends to wear our hearts on our sleeves, and if anyone was unhappy with the current situation, I think I'd be able to see it. Now, perhaps it is better just to let things develop naturally and make the most of our time to be together."
It wasn't hard for Xiao Yan Zi's own optimism to persuade her to trust in Xiao Jian's assurance that things would work out for their family in Beijing. And thus far, it had. Xiao Jian had been right. Having been separated and torn apart for so many years, Xiao Yan Zi and her family now appreciated even more the opportunity to finally be a family and get to know each other, even in spite of all the restrictions that came with Xiao Yan Zi's position and duties within the palace.
Chance gave them even more time and space to bond through an unexpected channel. It all started with a conversation Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi had one day.
"How did Da Za Yuan start out?" Yong Qi asked. "How did it become a common home for the poor?"
"It didn't start out as that," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Liu Qing and Liu Hong came to Beijing from Shandong after a flood destroyed their home and killed all their family there. I don't think they ever headed out for Beijing, they probably just ended up here after drifting all over the place. The compound that is now Da Za Yuan, people say it's haunted, which was why it was abandoned for years until Liu Qing and Liu Hong started living there. I mean, it was empty, it belonged to no one, no one wanted it, it provided shelter from the rain and snow. When you're homeless, that's practically heaven, and even if it was haunted, clearly they weren't in any position to be picky. I've told you before of how I met Liu Qing, or more like how Liu Qing stumbled on me fainted in an abandoned temple. He brought me to Da Za Yuan where he and Liu Hong were living and they nursed me back to health; practically saved my life really. After that I stayed with them, and over the years, rumours of the place being haunted abated and it became a place where people with nowhere to go came to instead. Most of them were children and old people, unable to fend for themselves or even beg on the street for themselves, it wasn't as if we were going to turn them away. After a while it amassed to what it is."
"How did you all ever get by?"
Xiao Yan Zi smiled. "You remember when we were on the run after the whole Han Xiang debacle, we were running out of money and we made money by martial arts performances and putting on a show to persuade people to give us money, and you wouldn't go along with it at first because you called it conning people?"
"Which it was. And I went along with it eventually," he pointed out.
"Yes," Xiao Yan Zi agreed with a knowing smile. "But you weren't ever comfortable with it. You only gave in because you were afraid of losing me."
"Maybe," he admitted grudgingly.
"I don't honestly expect anyone who hadn't gone through it to understand the desperation that Liu Qing, Liu Hong and I were in to have to resort to that kind of deception, and justify it to ourselves that it wasn't really stealing if people were eventually giving money voluntarily," she said seriously, all trace of smiles gone now. "Or to actual stealing, come to think of it, and justify that we were stealing from idle rich people who embezzled their wealth and used what we steal to give to helpless, poor people, so it was all a good deed. Even in that escapade, the times when we have been forced to earn money by shady means were very brief; we always had help from Xiao Jian's friends otherwise. So honestly I don't blame you anymore that you struggled then to truly feel that we were that desperate. That feeling comes after prolonged months and years of lacking, and having no hope, knowing that there is no one else in the world to help you but yourself. We weren't really ever in that situation on the trip."
"That trip, on the whole, was very humbling, you know," Yong Qi said softly. "I would never wish it never happened for anything. But you are right, we were never exactly completely hopeless and desperate, at least for any long stretch of time even if at the time, sometimes it felt like it. In the moments that it seemed we were empty-handed, we still met people who had less than we did. Maybe then I felt like the people we were persuading to give us money had less than we did, which is why I felt so uncomfortable with it, all the unconventional means aside."
Xiao Yan Zi looked thoughtful for a moment, before saying with a sigh, "Looking back, perhaps I should have been a lot more concerned, considering how all your life you have lacked for nothing, if then you acted completely unbothered by using mendacious means to get money from people and were able to go through it easily. Liu Qing, Liu Hong and I only ever did that because we had no other way, because there were more people, even more helpless than us, depending on us. I wouldn't wish that feeling of having nothing else to lose on anyone."
"I get why when we were on the run, it was rather hard to find more conventional jobs to earn money, but surely that must have been an option in Beijing?"
Xiao Yan Zi just laughed lightly, shaking her head.
"What?" he asked defensively.
Xiao Yan Zi touched his hand gently to let him know she wasn't really laughing at him.
"Zi Wei asked me that exact same thing, the second time we met, just after Liu Qing, Liu Hong and I managed to – er – persuade her to give us a whole silver ingot, and she realised the whole thing was an elaborate act. Honestly, I still don't know how she and Jin Suo managed to travel all the way from Shandong to Beijing without being conned out of all their money. She was lucky we were actually decent people, deep down."
Yong Qi smiled but did not comment and just waited for her to go on.
"I honestly don't know whether you and Zi Wei asked me this because you really don't understand that we were that desperate, or that you are both so good that you would never consider how easily people who have nothing can get bullied when trying to look for work. It's not impossible to sell our labour, of course, but nine times out of ten, we would work ourselves to death and never get paid enough to feed ourselves, let alone all the people who are dependent on us."
"If there were a way to get work and be adequately paid for it, would you have done it?"
"Probably. Yes. I mean, going around doing martial arts performance and then deceiving people into giving money when they're reluctant to wasn't our only way of getting by. For one thing, you can only do it so many times before people catch on. Beijing is big but not that big. What's all this about?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why are we talking about this? What makes you want to ask about this depressing part of my life?"
"Depressing it may have been, but it's an important part of you," he said. "Also I don't want you to think that whatever wealth and luxury I can give you now is somehow a way to compensate or make up for that part of your life, as if it were a way of trying to make you forget how things were before. I don't want you to ever think that I don't think about your life before me, or that I feel it's something to be left behind and best forgotten. It's not, because those were the years that turn you into who you are, and sometimes I marvel that it is this wonderful, good, kind person who still sees good in the world, instead of someone who sees none."
"If I had been such a person, we would never have met," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.
"True."
With a mischievous smile, she added in a teasing voice, before he could say any more, "Do you regularly marvel at how wonderful I am?"
Yong Qi laughed. "Constantly," he answered. Then his expression turned more serious. "But you are right, that's not why we're having this conversation."
"Why then?"
"I've been thinking, considering how long we've been giving money to helping those at Da Za Yuan, perhaps it's time to turn it into an official endeavour."
Xiao Yan Zi sat straight up and stared at him hard. "Meaning?" she asked breathlessly.
"I've been thinking about this for, well, a long time, really, but there seemed always something else in the way. Now that I've managed to more or less achieve consolidated power, it can be possible to use Da Za Yuan as a starting point to build a place where homeless old people and orphan children could get shelter and food, and it would be both sanctioned and funded by the government."
"You would do that?" she asked excitedly, grabbing his hand. "Truly?"
"Of course. Well, it's the initial idea, the plan, anyway," Yong Qi said. "I don't pretend it will be easy. I imagine even putting the idea out to the officials will garner some pretty vocal opposition, for one reason or another. Even if there is no opposition, there is still a lot to be worked out about how to put all of this into effect and manage it in the long run. Then there's the question or whether the actual place will be Da Za Yuan, or somewhere else. Either way, construction is required for it to become a suitable living space. This would, even at first, create work and jobs for people who are currently without a means of income who are capable of working."
"You'd actually put this into the hands of government officials?" she asked.
"If it is to be considered a state-supported and funded effort, and to be maintained in the long run using national funds, then yes, it would need to be handled from the beginning by the Board of Works. You don't like that idea, do you?"
"It's not that," she said carefully. "It's just that my experience in general as a commoner dealing with mandarins, especially those who had reached high enough prestige to have positions in the capital, are usually that not many of them care about the plight of the people, or if they do, it is just enough to justify to themselves that they are doing their work, or they don't truly understand what it is they are supposed to care about. I am just afraid that as well-intentioned as your plan is, it might become perverted under the supervision of others."
"I have considered that," Yong Qi said. "I know this cannot just be handled solely by those so unattached to the people this project would ultimately benefit. So input from someone who has more understanding and insight into the needs of these people will be needed. I was hoping that either your father or Xiao Jian would be willing to get involved in this in an unofficial capacity, to ensure that this is very carried out properly and keep the project to its true purpose."
"So you are offering my family a position," Xiao Yan Zi said, smiling slightly.
"It's not a position with an actual title, but something like that, yes. Also, I thought, since you have vested interest in this, that this is a cause you care about, it might be a way for you and your family to learn more about each other."
"I suppose the fact that through this, Father learns about more about the positive aspect of you and that could lead to him thinking better of you does not hurt either?"
"That is not my primary motive, certainly not, but yes," Yong Qi admitted with a sheepish smile.
Xiao Yan Zi looked at him for a long time with a soft expression in her eyes.
"What?"
"I really hope it does lead to Father seeing this best side of you," she answered tenderly, holding his hands tightly, "because I really wasn't wrong when I told him you were one of the best men I know."
"You told him that?" he asked, sounding immensely touched at both the feelings in her words and the fact that she conveyed them so frankly, now and before to her father as well.
"Of course. Do you doubt I would?"
"No," he said, squeezing her hands. "But gathering praise for myself, from you or anyone else, isn't the purpose of this."
"Oh I know. Of course not." She pulled him towards her and wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek against his chest.
Yong Qi shifted so that he held her more securely in his arms.
"If all the perspective you have given me ever taught me anything, it is that just because the officials in Qian Qing Gong report that everything throughout the country is peaceful and fulfilled, doesn't mean that it actually is, or that every single person in the entire country lack for nothing," he said. "Even if he weren't your brother, I still can't look at Fang Yi's hostility towards me as offensive, as only a crime to be punished, because if the country was truly as satisfied and peaceful as reported, there wouldn't be reasons for such resentment from those such as your brother. But the resentment, the discontent does exist, and while it probably is impossible, to dispel it entirely, to make every single person happy, it is still reminder that this throne is an unending job. If anything, it should teach me that I can never be lured into a sense of self-satisfaction and arrogance great enough to stop striving to build a better world."
Xiao Yan Zi looked up at him and said, smiling, "You must not say these things to me, if you want me to refrain from praising you. If you keep going, I will be in great danger of speaking so well of you with such enthusiasm that anyone would dismiss it as sycophantic fawning and never believe a word of what I say."
Yong Qi laughed and leaned down to kiss her softly. "I will always endeavour to ensure that you remain in such danger," he whispered.
"Do so," she said dreamily. Then with a pout, she added, "Don't think I don't know that you tricked me into talking about all this, though."
"Tricked you? Whatever did I trick you into doing?" he asked with an innocent expression.
"Discussing what is clearly state matters when it is obviously against the rules for me to do so," she said. "Not that I particularly care for them. But if it gets out, both Huang Hou and Tai Hou will scold me, and you will have the mob of officials to deal with."
Yong Qi laughed. "I think I can deal. Besides, if it ever becomes at issue, at least you can still honestly say that this is all my idea, and you didn't influence me into making any of these decisions. It would be in many ways untrue, of course, but also technically true."
"It was all your idea and decisions," she said.
"But I would never see the things that need to be done without you."
"I only showed you what the world is like. How you take in that information and react to it is all your own doing."
So she spoke to her family about the plan for this project that was so close her heart, and could have potential to bring about so much relief and positive influence. In the end, her family all got involved one way or another with this initiative which started out in Beijing but eventually, throughout the years, was also spread and applied in surrounding areas. During just the time it took for the project to be completed in Beijing, there were plenty of chance for her family to come together, and learn not only about Xiao Yan Zi's life before all this wealth and luxury, but about each other.
Xiao Yan Zi eventually understood that her father was not the type of man who would explicitly express out loud just how much Yong Qi eventually came to rise in his estimation during this time, which gave him a much clearer, more objective glimpse into the man his daughter had married. However, the way her father spoke to her of Yong Qi showed his real attitude and feelings plenty, and she treasured every moment.
Fang Yi's road to accepting Yong Qi took longer but Xiao Yan Zi suspected that was mostly due to his stubborn disposition, which meant that it took a long time for him to come to terms with changing his mind. They would never be as good friends as Yong Qi and Xiao Jian were, but Xiao Yan Zi still believed that given enough time, Fang Yi would eventually afford Yong Qi a difficult acceptance and a sort of grudging respect.
After his apology to her at Jing Yi Yuan, Li Cheng An no longer seemed particularly bothered by her rejection, if it could even be called that. He would realise, Xiao Yan Zi was sure, when he started to know her better, that they were completely and utterly incompatible and very wrong for each other. It would never have worked between them, not when she was so strong-willed and when he expected such a different woman in a wife. In time, he would find someone with a past far less complicated than her who would meet at least some of the standards he was looking for. That woman would never be Xiao Yan Zi, even if she was somehow available to him.
If Xiao Yan Zi had to say what she was most thankful for amidst all these developments, it would be that when her second daughter greeted the world, for the first time she had her mother by her side. Though that was mostly due to chance more than anything, because the baby happened to have come early while Xiao Yan Zi had been with Zi Wei at Fu residence. It was easier to get her mother there to tend to her than it would have been to bring her into the palace. Xiao Yan Zi was sure, however, if she had asked, Yong Qi would have found a way for her mother to be there with her in the palace as well if it had come down to it.
Zhuang Min was born, healthy and beautiful on a clear summer day, with the sun shining overhead. To Xiao Yan Zi, her birth seemed simultaneously like an omen and a new beginning. Xiao Yan Zi's story, from the moment she left the place where she was born, began in much melodrama, and continued in equal chaos for nearly thirty years. During those years she had endured a life without a true family, not lacking in pain and loss, but still somehow managed to remain not entirely joyless. She instead accumulated friends and love over the years, more priceless and valuable to her than any riches. Now, reunited with her birth family, she could no longer say she wanted for anything in the world. It was as if, for the first time, things were beginning to settle into ordinary.
Then again, this was the palace, and she was Xiao Yan Zi. As normal as things were for a moment now, ordinary was probably too much to hope for in the long run. Then again, looking back to everything that ever happened in her life, Xiao Yan Zi thought maybe that was not such a bad thing after all. Life was, after all, made up of all the good things and the bad things, and it was the combination of them all together that made it extraordinary.
END
Jan 2015 - Last edit Mar 2021