Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Jin woke up early not yet familiar enough with the house. It was Seollal today and as soon as he woke up he could feel his tummy buzzing with happiness.

He turned to watch Namjoon sleeping next to him and sappily recognised how they had fallen asleep on the same bed, cuddling. With burning cheeks, Jin got up and started ruffling through his case for his clothes for the day and after plugging his phone, silently left the room, not without another whipped look at Namjoon’s sleeping figure.

He walked through the hallway and felt like a stranger in this landscape of memories. The frame on walls portrayed a smiling family of three and Jin saw his own reflection, smiling, in the glass.

“Oh, you are awake, son,” Mr. Kim exclaimed, sitting by the counter in the kitchen with a cup in his hand and newspaper spread open in front of him.

“Ah, yes, I think I was too excited to sleep longer than I have,” Jin said sheepishly after bowing in greeting.

Mr. Kim laughed and said, “Honestly, same. I have lived for so long but still get excited for holidays.”

Jin thought that he might have been Mr. Kim’s son in some life, but then told himself to stop being so needy and excused himself to go wash up.

When he returned with his hair smelling of Namjoon’s shampoo because he had forgotten to pack his (cough cough intentionally), Mr. Kim handed him a cup of steaming coffee and told him, “From today, I would remember to make two cups in the morning as long as you are here.”

Jin found himself wanting that next two days were two centuries and after thanking and seating himself in the stool next to Mr. Kim’s, he asked him how they usually spent their Seollal.

Mr. Kim told him, he was usually the cook of the house but Seollal was the day Namjoon’s mother cooked. They just sat around eating, Namjoon was smothered with advices and best wishes and they usually went around the town shopping or gathered to play games and talk. Just the three of them, a world on their own.

Jin’s cheeks were hurting with how wide he was smiling imagining how sweet it must have been and how much it must hurt to lose it all as Mr. Kim’s eyes watered.

Jin wanting to make this family happy proposed that he would love to cook for them today. Mr. Kim grumbled a little in the start but Jin was quick to clasp his hands between his and plead, “Please, let me pay you back for your hospitality, please I insist.”

Jin was always the one who returned a favour tenfolds. So Mr. Kim had to smile and give in. And thus began their grocery hunting trip.

“This Japanese shop sells clocks.” Mr. Kim explained, looking at an old shop that reminded Jin of brown and a time that never ran out. “It is now owned by the granddaughter of the Takishima-san, the original owner of this shop. It has been here for fifty years.”

Mr. Kim looked like he was proud merely about that fact and Jin tried looking at the shop again to wonder why.

It had shiny exterior and snow laden entrance. Clocks decorated like birds from exotic places, Jin wondered if anyone was still buying them.

“There, that restaurant opened five years ago and has changed seven owners in just that time,” he continued, pointing at another shop. It was redundant and smelled of food when a man, who looked like the head chef, stepped out to smoke, uncaring that he was blocking the front door.

It must have been empty if the head chef looked that bored. It was Seollal, business would usually be slow today but not for this town as Jin noticed how everyone was out on the streets.

“They usually close their business after two here,” Mr. Kim provided why. “Everyone likes to hang around and visit and buy things from each other, in hopes that it brings them prosperity in the coming year.”

The shopping bags containing ingredients for their lunch banged against Jin’s leg and he shrunk in his jacket and suppressed a shiver watching a man with muddy back walk in front of him. Looked like someone had slipped because of the icy road and Jin took his next steps more carefully.

The road was muddy and fresh white; the vendors had parked their food trucks near the shops. People roamed in hanboks and their work dresses. No one really seemed to be in their own shops, everyone interested in the businesses of their neighbours. Sharing laughs and joviality seemed to be the main theme of interaction. Mr. Kim had said hi to a lot of people on their way to his café, introducing Jin to everyone and in return told him tales about each acquaintance and exchanging wishes.

Jin, when they entered Mr. Kim’s café with a ring of the bell, had met in total 20 people and knew about 30 businesses and their history in their short trip.

Mr. Kim was extremely sociable Jin realized.

“A-Yeong! Look who I brought with me today,” Mr. Kim shouted as soon as he entered his café. Jin took time to curiously look around as Mr. Kim took off his jacket, already acclimating to the insulation inside.

The café was minimalistic and stylish in a way that seemed expensive and yet accessible at the same time.

“Aigo, is it Namjoon?”A female asked and Jin turned to look at a woman of forty-something with her hair locked in a bun and eyes wrinkled with laugh lines.

“No, it is Jin, Namjoon’s friend,” Mr. Kim corrected and soon Jin was being introduced to Aunt Choi.

Jin had asked Mr. Kim about his café while shopping for grocery. Mr. Kim had been surprised at his interest but Jin had merely said he was a businessman and that he was always interested. This had satisfied Mr. Kim enough to talk about his café origin story and why his café was special and how it was working. He had talked about how Namjoon had invested money in it and helped with the design and everything whilst working as a teacher in Seoul.

Jin was again impressed by Namjoon now that he was inside the café itself but also by how well his father had managed to keep himself busy after his wife’s death.

But after meeting Aunt Choi and hearing her laugh, Jin thought maybe there was another reason why Mr. Kim had managed it so well.

After giving Jin the tour around the café, which Aunt Choi had excitedly taken upon herself, she casually admitted her grievances about being alone today because her daughter could not make it this year. The admittance was too painful for Jin who for past years had been spending his own holidays alone and by the looks of it, Mr. Kim as well. There was helplessness in Mr. Kim’s eyes and Jin lightly nudged his elbow to whisper that could they invite her over. Mr. Kim’s confusion cleared and he nodded gratefully at Jin.

Aunt Choi was humbled at the offer and accepted it with a pat against Jin’s cheek. Everything was so warm in January that Jin doubted if it was a dream or not.

Once they were done from their morning excursion, they returned home and yelled a greeting from the doorway. Namjoon called a loud, ‘Good Morning!’ from the lounge and Monie came yipping and running to circle their legs.

Jin had his arms around Monie when Mr. Kim took the shopping bags from Jin to the kitchen and Namjoon also sat down near crouched Jin to greet him again properly. This time more privately.

Namjoon smiled at Jin, Jin smiled at Namjoon and their eyes said hello. Jin felt sun rise in him and easily melted into their habit of seeing each other every morning and becoming instantly happy by just being near each other.

Namjoon looked soft around the edges in his overflowing blue sweater and asked Jin about his adventure in a low voice. Jin was eager to cantillate the whole journey. Considerable time had passed, with Jin lightly teasing Namjoon about how he had cried the first time his parents took him to eat crabs, a story Jin came to know due to Mr. Kim’s courtesy, when Namjoon’s father interrupted them and told them that he had fixed groceries on the shelf and some in cupboards and that they should join him for the breakfast.

Jin quickly shook his head to come back to the world where Namjoon’s presence did not make everything appear secondary and unimportant and moved toward the kitchen and got busy filling Monie’s bowl with food while Namjoon got started on setting their tables up. The men ate their breakfast, discussed Korea’s current affairs and then Jin and Mr. Kim moved to the living room and turned some K-drama on which Mr. Kim loved and didn't hesitate in telling Jin about the characters and what their background stories were. Jin listened lovingly with Monie settled between them and once in a while turned to look at Namjoon who was busy painting, a task he had started when Jin was buying grocery, a blue sky and green meadow on a small canvas, which Jin looking outside the window with white snowy backyard found contrasting but maybe more beautiful for the same reason as well.

Namjoon, after a while, discarded his paint brushes, stretched his back and slipped next to Jin on the floor. It made Jin feel like he was treading on air for being chosen over… what? a painting? Jin didn’t bother thinking much about it, it was pathetic in all honesty, and simply chose to happy. When Mr. Kim’s second favourite drama ended, he said he would go over to the café and help Ms. Choi close for the day.

Namjoon waved him goodbye and Jin got up to bring some snacks over to where they were sitting. Namjoon also brought a blanket and shared it with Jin. Jin had to actively stop himself from smiling too wide. And finally, when Namjoon ended up pointing an inaccuracy in the story, was Jin finally free to insult every stupid thing in the show. Because no, CEOs did not have that much of free time. And no, being that possessive was not freaking normal. Halfway through the drama, Namjoon asked him what Jin would rather do if he was ever in a love triangle like their heroine and Jin’s reply was simple. Collect enough money and go on a trip to Maldives. Namjoon rewarded Jin by laughing heartily at that and asking if he was allowed to tag along. Jin told him it was a yes, always a yes. Then Jin asked what did he think was in the CEO’s basement. Namjoon thought for a moment and then said a laboratory working on finding proofs whether insects, or trees Namjoon was not sure, could communicate and one day would take over.

Jin told him that he was grateful for the suggestion and he will see what he can do about it. The retort made Namjoon grin savagely and say, “Just let me know the goddamn results, it’s only fair.”

Which in turn made Jin ask, “What do you think is the most probable apocalypse?”

They had discarded watching the show by now and were sitting face to face with the blanket wrapped around their shoulders.

“Well, obviously climate change and Earth dying. No drinkable water, politicians and industrialists saving their asses. People hoarding what food they can while competing against each other for resources. You?”

“Oh me, I just think that we are never going to die. We are simply going to convert ourselves into Cyborgs and once we are half machines, we would stop requiring air or food as much for our survival as we do now and hence can work with ‘dying but not dead yet’ Earth.”

“Oh, Jin. Is it because you are rich that you think like that?” Namjoon exclaimed, exasperated but also somewhat amused.

“What? What did I say? You think human race is actually going to die that easily? You think all these people that are funding scientists have not reached anywhere?”

Namjoon looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“What?” Jin said defensively, enjoying every second that he had Namjoon this close to him, knees touching, sharing his warmth as his eyes were full of poorly disguised mirth.

“Do you know something I don’t? Are you all elites in some secret organization where you get updates on how much science has progressed on cybernetics or something?”

Jin looked at him blankly and said, “I am sorry, Namjoon, I cannot confirm or deny that.”

Namjoon, a simple man that he was, only screamed in response.

**

Namjoon was helpless in the kitchen. So Jin had very politely, not bossily or impatiently, told him to leave.

Namjoon had huffed and pouted saying he simply wanted to help Jin. Jin wondered how Namjoon brushing against Jin, breathing close his neck, crowding him with his body, was supposed to help him. Jin’s mind was buzzing with hormonal frenzy and Jin, for the millionth time, grieved how devastatingly attracted he was to Namjoon even in his baggy clothes, so much that Jin had nearly risked chopping his fingers off or pulling him in for a bloody kiss. But instead, although he was whipped and weak, he was also a practical man, and had told Namjoon that he could sit pretty on a chair near the kitchen counter and talk to him. Namjoon pouted for a while until Jin sent his own appeasing smile which he knew Namjoon was weak to and like he magic he was back to giving Jin a toothy smile and started telling him about his school life and his favourite trip in high school to Busan.

Mr. Kim and Ms. Choi came back a few minutes before Jin was done. Namjoon left and joined his father in setting a table for Namjoon’s mother’s charye (memorial). Once Jin was ready, he entered the lounge to find Namjoon standing near the table and Mr. Kim lovingly sitting and staring at the picture of Namjoon’s mother. Incense burned in the corner of the table while various fruits like apple, persimmon and tangerine covered the centre along with some rice, dried fish, chestnuts, soup, a kettle and ritual wine which Jin thought Aunt Choi must have brought with her who was sitting in the corner of the room politely, watching the family pay respects. Jin went and sat next to her and watched Namjoon carry the ceremony out.

Everything felt heavy with loss, like pulling a pressed dead rose out of an old diary. Once they were done with the ceremony and Mr. Kim hugged Namjoon to bless him for the coming year. Jin’s heart grew with various muddled, selfish and selfless, emotions at the sight and he didn’t have to wait long before Mr. Kim was repeating the gesture, but this time with Jin.

When Mr. Kim pulled back, Namjoon asked in a confused tone, “What? Why are you crying?”

He looked at the red-nosed Namjoon and tear faced Mr. Kim standing in front of Mrs. Kim’s photo, with Mr. Kim’s arms still around him and Namjoon’s worried hand around his bicep. Jin’s eyes pooled with tears and he pouted miserably, “Because everyone else is crying,” which made the room quickly dissolve into a sloppy but cheerful laughter Aunt Choi included, and wipe their tears and finally stop sniffling. (And if Namjoon used that as an excuse to pull Jin into a hug then Jin was not complaining).

The dinner was lovely and festive. Ms. Choi seemed to be eager to know how Namjoon was doing and by the looks of it, Namjoon was fond of her as well. Then she complimented Jin’s cooking and Jin asked her what her famous dish in the café was. Mr. Kim answered it for her and she sat mum and red listening to Mr. Kim mention literally every dish and Jin gracefully asked her if she could teach him how to cook some of them. Throughout the dinner, Namjoon was somewhat preoccupied with the food. Eating, adding more onto Jin’s plate, filling his glass, pushing it in front of Ms. Choi, stuffing his face again, complimenting it and making sure everyone knew how amazing of a cook Jin was or how he was amazing at everything he did or how much he had accomplished at such young age.

Jin would be embarrassed if he was not so endeared. (He was also planning every other dish he could bewitch Namjoon with; he would leave his job just to cook for Namjoon and watch him eat fully and shower Jin with praises.)

After dinner that meshed into another drinking session, they turned in for the night.

Jin was sitting on the corner of his bed with a layer of eager electricity buzzing on his skin and waiting from Namjoon to return after washing up. Would he invite Jin to his bed today? Casually admitting that they could cuddle? That last night had been exceptionally comfortable and if Jin wanted Namjoon would love a redo?

Jin wanted.

But instead Namjoon had come into the room, ruffling his hair and dripping water everywhere, and obliviously with his phone in his hand slipped under the covers, shivering because of the cold blanket.

Jin, who was exceptionally disappointed, thanked that the lights were turned off and with a lasting look at Namjoon’s scrunched face that was illuminated by his phone, laid back down in his bed.

What a waste!

He swallowed a heavy sigh and bitterly curdled over the fact that Namjoon was not in love with Jin as Jin was. Jin’s heart caved in and Jin finally sighed and pulled the covers to his chin.

He turned to face Namjoon and kept looking.

 “Namjoon?” Jin asked.

“Hmm,” Namjoon said, busying scrolling through his feeds? Probably. Namjoon was addicted to Twitter.

Jin contemplated his next words for a few moments and then asked, “Do you think Mr. Kim is lonely?”

Namjoon stopped scrolling. Then he turned to look at him with an evident scowl on his face, “I guess?”

He had an intelligent light in his eyes which told Jin he was already trying to piece the puzzle of Jin’s words.

Damn it. Maybe he should not continue this conversation.

But then he remembered Mr. Kim’s downturned face every time he stopped laughing or thought boys were not noticing him. His mind unfaithfully provided him with the images of how empty the house had looked in the morning and maybe he was projecting but something miserable shone in Mr. Kim in between interactions that resonated with Jin.

So he took a shot, curled his cold toes under the blanket and murmured, “Do you think you would be okay if he started seeing someone… a woman?”

The look Namjoon gave him spoke of betrayals. The look was the one Caeser would have given to Brutus with a knife in his chest. The look that pleaded, ‘Jin, please, not the heart.’

Namjoon, with his scared eyes, warned, “No.”

Jin’s heart froze and cracked and froze again in his chest and he urged on with a shiver in his voice. He really was not strong enough to be saying this, but, “You are hardly here, and it would not mean that he is betraying your mom or her memory… it is just… it is a really hard life to be living alone.”

Jin’s voice broke on the last word and Namjoon’s eyes hardened at the mention of his mother.

He pursued his lips and gripped his phone and Jin felt fear curl like a snake over his body. Namjoon was going to annihilate him.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Jin. Just because my dad calls you ‘son’ and I brought you home on family holidays does not mean you can start interfering in my family’s matters.”

And then he did.

Jin felt gutted and covered in humiliation. His face burned and eyes prickled and he hated Namjoon in those moments.

How could he? How could he destroy Jin’s feeble budding attachment with his father like that? How could he douse the simmering hope and raging desperation that Jin had been living with for years?

Jin did not waste a second to get out of the bed, throwing his covers away and rushing out of the room.

Fuck this shit.

He closed the door behind him and stepped stealthily over Monie who was sleeping just outside their - Namjoon’s - room and went straight for the door.

Stupidly stuffing his arms into the coat and unsocked feet into the slippers, he went out into the snow.

 What else had Jin expected? Namjoon was as brutal as always.

A tear slipped down his face and he pushed some of the snow away from the doorstep with his slippers to sit.

And what the hell was Jin even thinking? Idiot, Jin.

Obviously, he did not belong. What was wrong with him? He had been here for only two days and he felt like he could say whatever? Fucking hell.

He wiped his tears and cursed under his breath. His slippers were wet and his ass was freezing.

Yes, he was an idiot for thinking he could have a place in this beautiful family, have dinners, make Namjoon feel warm and his dad laugh, share drinks and feel the ease of being home. But fuck it, if Namjoon had to shatter it all like this.

Jin cried silently and thought that this time he was crying, because no one cried. For him or with him? He didn’t know.

He looked at the ashy snow falling lightly, shivered horribly and heard the silence of a town long asleep.

Only Jin was awake.

He pushed his hands in the pocket and his fingers curled around his car keys.

He pulled them out to stare at them.

Maybe he should leave. He was clearly not welcome anymore and would never never return back to Namjoon’s room.

Maybe he could leave Mr. Kim a letter, thanking him for his hospitality and lying about a fake emergency.

Before he could pick an option, he saw warm hands snatching the keys from his hand and a voice snarl, “Don’t you fucking think about.”

Jin shot a venomous look to a guy who had invited him to his house and insulted him and bit back, “None of your business. Just because I call you my best friend, share my office, my lunch and my weekends doing the most stupid stuff with you and open my chest to spit everything I am to you, does not mean you can tell me what to do.”

Jin panted and Namjoon’s face was stone cold before the pain cracked it open.

“I am sorry, I am so so fucking sorry.”

He bent on his knees in front of Jin and pulled him close with his hands gripping Jin’s arm.

His eyes looked anguished and Jin was easy enough that his anger disappeared and he found himself thinking if Namjoon’s knees would hurt from the cold ground under them.

“I am so sorry, I mean none of it. God, please, don’t cry.”

Fuck, he was still crying? Jin intended to raise his hand and wipe his sorrow clean, but soon Namjoon bunched him together in his arms and made him disappear against his chest.

“- obviously, my dad calls you son because he is fucking fond of you and in two days seemed to have adopted you. I haven’t seen him talk like that in months and I love when his eyes crinkle at your jokes. Obviously, you fit in here like you have been here forever! I am so so sorry. I am an asshole, please don’t cry, baby.”

So it had become a reality. Jin did not- had not been able to wipe his own tears because when he pulled back Namjoon had taken it upon himself to do so.

His hands were warm on his face and Jin wondered how the hell was he not freezing?

But then Namjoon kissed Jin on one side of his cheek and then another and Jin was burning hot in cold winters and trembling messily in Namjoon’s arms, like a shuddering mechanical bot before it noisily disintegrated into pieces.

His heart had been hurting so much a few minutes ago and now he was just warm warm warm and full of Namjoon’s kisses.

“I shouldn’t have, it was not my pl-place,” Jin puffed, his eyes locked to the sight of Namjoon’s half bitten lips and he watched him shake his head.

“No, no, I-” Namjoon paused to curse, “You just say things I don’t want to hear, things that are ahead of the time I am living at and I just, I just lash out and feel defensive and angry. I am so so sorry.”

This time when Namjoon hugged Jin, he forgave him.

He closed his eyes for eternity; he was too peaceful, too peaceful to be awake, he felt sleepy and tired.

“Come on, let’s get to our room,” Namjoon suggested, holding Jin’s car keys in one hand, the hand away from Jin, and Jin’s hand in the other.

It was only then did Jin realize that Namjoon was stupid enough that he was not wearing his shoes.

Fuck, he must be freezing.

And he had been. Jin got to know that when he nestled next to Jin in his bed, his feet pressed next to Jin’s, which Jin compassionately allowed by pressing closer and tangling his legs with Namjoon’s freezing ones.

Namjoon had apologetically and meekly invited Jin in his bed, casually admitting that they could cuddle because it was too cold and last night had been exceptionally comfortable and if Jin wanted Namjoon would love a redo.

Jin wanted.

And he kept Namjoon warm in piercing winters too.

**

A very sluggish and dreamy Jin was woken up by a shadow, which soon Jin realized was Mr. Kim’s, and felt too languid to hear words being spoken to him coherently.

“What?” Namjoon beside him groaned.

“Get up, boys,” Mr. Kim said brightly.

Jin rubbed his eyes and saw crispy blue light trickle in from the window when Mr. Kim pulled the curtains aside and picked his phone up to notice it was just around 6 am.

What? Was he missing something?

He got up and asked Mr. Kim the same thing.

“Nothing much,” he grinned, “just that, we are going on an adventure.”

Jin’s eyes blew open and all sleep fly away. Little tiny birds exploding in his heart in a burst of excitement.

“What?!” Jin’s voice cracked and Mr. Kim only winked before leaving the room.

Namjoon groaned again totally unsurprised by being woken up like this.

Jin looked at him, looked at the door, ran a hand through his hair and remembered Mr. Kim’s words.

He smiled viciously and swore that he loved that man.

*

Leaving a cursing and yelping Namjoon whose blanket Jin had yanked away to wake him up, too eager for the so called adventure to let him delay it even a second, Jin left the room.

He was greeted by Mr. Kim with a cup of coffee ready and felt whatever doubts Namjoon’s words had created last night wash away.

Mr. Kim was busy making lots and lots of food for them and packing them in boxes.

Jin quickly washed his hands and rolled his sleeves up and asked him what he could help him with.

Within ten minutes, a grouchy Namjoon left his room to groan at them again, his type of greeting Jin guessed, and went straight to shower.

When he came back, the food was ready and packed and Jin took his cue to wash up too.

After showering and pocketing his phone in his back pocket, he came out of the room and found Namjoon putting a leash around a jumpy Monie.

Jin stood behind him and once Namjoon was done, he let Monie go and run up to his dad.

“I hope you don’t mind us taking your car,” Namjoon said. “I gave your keys to dad to put the food in.”

Jin nodded and moved closer.

And Namjoon smiled.

It made Jin smile back. “Hello.”

“Hey.”

And they finally greeted each other.

*

Mr. Kim’s adventure involved hiking up the Jeongbalsan Mountain and breathing cold morning air. Excellent if you ask Jin.

He huffed and puffed and Mr. Kim laughed and complained with a hand on his back (jokingly) and Namjoon snarked and soaked everything in and Monie barked and ran back forth all the way to the peak.

Once they reached the peak, the pavilion welcomed them. Mr. Kim nudged Jin and then pointed at the sun lighting Bukhansan’s ice capped peaks and the whole city resting and rising beneath him and murmured, “How’s that for an adventure?”

“Spectacular,” Jin replied and shouted at the sleeping city beneath him.

It shocked Namjoon for a second until Mr. Kim joined Jin and soon he caved in too.

Just three men (and a dog) against the whole world! That was what their adventure was all about.

*

By noon, boys were picnicking near Ilsan Lake Park and Jin was having a grand time.

God, how long has it been since he has enjoyed holidays like this. Mr. Kim, with his sweet adventures and stories about tiny Namjoon who had once latched into a tree and refused to let go, reminded Jin how he had always dreamed he would be when he grew up.

“He kept shouting ‘but dad, they would get lonely’,” Mr. Kim snickered, sitting on the opposite side from Jin.

Namjoon only smiled at his dad and leaned closer to Jin. Jin thought he didn’t even know he was doing it.

Jin look at his wind ruffled hair and dimples and drooping smile and felt heat erupt in his gut.

He coughed and looked away only to meet Mr. Kim’s mocking eyes.

Fuck.

It had taken Mr. Kim asking Jin, “You slept fine, son?” while they were making Kimbap in the morning for Jin to realize how he had been woken up. Or in whose arms to be exact.

And whole day, Namjoon had been extremely apologetic? Cuddly? Clingy? Not leaving Jin alone for a second?

If he was not tying the fashionable knot of Jin’s coat, then he was filling his cup of water or picking his bag for him. Other times he was casually standing behind Jin, with a hand on his waist, and staring at the glittering beauty of sunlight on snow beneath them or crystallized lake in the park.

Mr. Kim, at some point, decided it was funny to look at Jin every time Namjoon did anything too… too, and smirk at Jin.

Jin, who was extremely flustered at being caught (did Mr. Kim know? That Jin had hots for his son? Or that he was so in love that he practically swooned whenever Namjoon was near him?), started packing their thermos and boxes that they had brought their lunch in on the table.

Mr. Kim laughed and told Namjoon to pack and let Jin rest.

Jin told him it was okay, but Mr. Kim only tutted and told him to let Namjoon take care of him with a lilt in his voice.

Jin sputtered and thanked and wished he would just die.

He felt like he was being teased by a parent in front of his crush and damn it, it wasn’t even his own parent.

Once they had put their packed boxes in Jin’s car, Mr. Kim suggested Namjoon that they should go and visit famous sights nearby. And said his goodbye to both of them.

It took a minute for them to realize what was happening.

“Dad, wait, where are you going?”

“Back, with Monie. I am tired and would like to open my café for some time.” He wrapped Monie’s bright red leash around his hand.

“B-but,” Jin started. “Let us come with you too. We can all-”

“Shh,” Mr. Kim told Jin and looked at Namjoon. “Have fun okay?”

The father-son engaged in a silent conversation that Jin could not understand. Then Namjoon wrapped his arm around Jin and nodded.

Jin surprised by determination in Namjoon’s eyes looked back and forth. Too awkward with Namjoon’s arm around him, Jin tried shuffling away and understanding the situation at the same time. Namjoon who was dubious to Jin’s struggle only held tightly and Jin sighed, giving up. “At least, let’s have dinner together. In your café?”

Mr. Kim grinned and patted Jin’s cheek, “Sure, son.”

Jin saw Mr. Kim walk away with Monie’s swaying tail, a white blur among towering snow on the pathway, and wondered was he really so pitiable that Namjoon’s dad had to be his wing man.

“Let’s go,” Namjoon pulled Jin to his chest and muttered.

And Jin, who by now had had enough, decided to let his anger out and lifted his foot to stomp Namjoon’s in rebuttal.

“Ouch, what was that for?” Namjoon screamed, finally removing his arm away and jumping on one foot.

For not keeping his hands to himself in front of Mr. Kim and then agreeing to take him out on what he surely thought was a date. “Nothing,” Jin grumbled and moved to sit in the driving seat of his car. Namjoon stopped wincing and ran for the car when Jin punched the horn and shouted, “Get in.”

**

Their ‘date’, Jin rolled his eyes, had them visiting ‘The Adventure: Ice Anchovy’ (ha! Second adventure of the day) and Jin beating Namjoon in one escape room after another until Jin was beaten by his need to kiss Namjoon’s pout and decided they should team up against other people.

Needless to say that had been frustrating. Namjoon working his brain was extremely hot, suddenly too pumped up now that he was with Jin instead of against him, and Jin felt like he was going to break through the walls like an ape instead of solving another mystery.

When they came out, Namjoon was smirking at how badly their opponents had lost and Jin was sulking with his head in his hand and sat on a bench outside the room.

He was not going to make it out alive, right?

Jin was cursing his existence, when he felt a gentle hand pat his head, “Everything okay?”

And all worries left Jin. He would die for (t)his boy.

Jin lifted his head, and felt an urgency rise in him at the concern in Namjoon’s eyes.

He wanted to confess. He wanted to plead. He wanted to say, ‘Please, love me back because I can’t imagine a life without you.’

Jin was not stupid, he could see Namjoon looking at him even when was not supposed to, finding reasons to touch him and spending half his time being hyper-focused about everything that was Jin. He was flattered, and loved every second of it.

He just was sensible and didn’t know whether he should let his heart hope or not. Who was he kidding? His heart already hoped. He was waiting for a day Namjoon made it explicit that he wanted Jin so Jin could finally kiss him and never stop.

“Yeah, everything is okay,” Jin said, packing his heart back in his chest and away from his hand before offering it to Namjoon. And when Namjoon pulled him up using his outstretched hand, Jin told his heart that he was safe, that everything was under control and ignored the lingering unknown dread in his mind.

*

Their next stop was Hanhwa Aqua Planet which cheered Jin up. He loved being covered in neon azure lights and watching hundreds of sea creatures swim around him. Most fervently, he loved Namjoon.

He was spouting weird facts about each species, jumping excitedly, screaming with seals and patting heads of sea lions and dragging Jin from colored shoal of minnows to making faces at puffer fish and crying with his hand on the mirror looking at a giant shark, wishing that he could break the glass and embrace the giant shark.

Jin did not think that was safe or possible. But he was at the same time thinking of putting an aquarium in his office because he was smitten.

“Do you think I could do this?” Jin asked, watching mermaids swim around in a giant tank.

The waves painted Namjoon’s face eerie, soft and dreamlike. “Hmm,” he said after a while, with serious eyes and looked Jin from his toes up in a slow gaze, “you would make a sexy merman.”

This was it. This was the sign. It couldn’t get more explicit.

Namjoon was standing in his usual posture with his arm around Jin and his hand gripping the railing next to Jin’s. Jin was leaning against his front and just a tiny distance, that’s it. That is all he had to cover and he would know what it is like to kiss Namjoon. Thank God Jin was bold enough to move-

Instead of moving and placing his lips lightly against Namjoon’s, he had been pushed from behind and ended up head butting Namjoon.

“Ow!” Jin massaged his head, “What the hell?”

He almost knew what it had been before he even turned around when he heard a couple girls giggling and apologizing in high pitched voices.

Jin felt his chest rumble in annoyance.

Not this again. For fuck’s sake, it would have been okay any other time, but just not fucking now!

They were carrying out the predictable routine: apologizing for budging him, myriads of ‘but you are just so handsome’ and asking for his name and pictures.

Jin was about to open his mouth and politely decline when he heard Namjoon gritting a pissed ‘he is fucking busy’ out.

Jin felt Namjoon’s arm tighten around him protectively and turned to look at his fire coal eyes and jutting jaw.

The girls were shocked at being spoken to by Namjoon and soon realized they were not getting Jin’s attention which was unmistakably solely on Namjoon who without any pretense was staring them down.

“Let’s go,” Namjoon said, once the girls shirked away, with a hand still on Jin’s waist and a stupefied yet smug Jin readily followed.

Damn it, he had missed his chance.

**

Their last dinner made Jin voracious and emotional. He was already missing his time here before it ended. Mr. Kim had prepared steak and pasta for them and Jin kept clinking his wine cup with Mr. Kim’s pretending they were posh westerners. Mr. Kim’s cheeks were flushed and he was swaying slowly to the tango music until he got up and started clapping and pretending that he was a professional dancer.

When Mr. Kim invited Jin, he politely said, “Nope, no,” but before he could make Mr. Kim’s frown appear, he added, “Put some trot song please if you want to see me bust my moves.”

Mr. Kim giggled and ran to change the song. Jin finished his drink, found Namjoon giving him a look that said he was happy to have Jin here, which Jin returned with a one that he was sure said ‘I love you more everyday’ and got up to dance his heart out.

It took two drinks and his favourite song for Namjoon to join them. All three men danced, tangled arms, swayed with wine glasses in their hands, cheering to gods and music and festivities that brought you home and made you feel content and grateful. Jin looked at Mr. Kim twirling a giant drunk Namjoon in circles and stumbling until both of them were laughing with tears in their eyes and for the millionth time this weekend, he begged.

**

Jin woke up next morning with his heart weighing a tonne and knowing that it was his last day here. He turned around to look at Namjoon who was sleeping beside him. Last night they had chosen the excuse of Namjoon showing his photo albums and his pictures from high school and college in his laptop, all those varied ages of Namjoon that Jin was unaware of (like what the hell, mint hair and a fucking Mohawk?), and slept in his bed.

He looked and looked and then decided that at least he would still have him when he returned back to Seoul and got up to spend some time with his other older half after pulling Namjoon’s sweatshirt over his own.

Nostalgia gripped Jin when he saw Mr. Kim standing in the backyard with coffee in his hand. Jin searched for the pot in the kitchen, and was happy to find some coffee there and fixed a cup for himself. Then he went out and nudged his shoulder with Mr. Kim in lieu of a greeting which was accepted with an open smile and Jin felt all of himself missing Mr. Kim already. Then on instinct he went out cold into the backyard and started making a snowman only to be joined by Mr. Kim in a few minutes. And when his fingers started to fall off and Mr. Kim’s childlike laughter hit its peak, they decided to go back inside. Jin on Mr. Kim’s instruction went straight to take a warm shower and quiet his shivers down.

Mr. Kim put his newspaper down on the table when Jin sat in front of him near kitchen counter. The pages of the newspaper were wet, probably from being thrown at the snow covered door by the delivery man or woman, and was reminded of his first morning here.

Mr. Kim asked him about his plans after returning and Jin answered honestly: work, work, work. Then, with a smile, he added, ‘And keep Namjoon happy.’

Mr. Kim looked pleased with the answer, but there was a breaking concern in his eyes.

“How is he there? In Seoul?” Mr. Kim nodded at the closed door of Namjoon’s room.

Jin's smile was heartbreaking when he said, “He was alone for a while, missed his mom.”

Mr. Kim nodded like he had expected that and a stray tear dropped from his eye.

“But he is strong, the strongest. Works the hardest and tries his absolute best.” It made Mr. Kim give a small smile and Jin continued, “He is better now. Laughs more, gets excited more, still ponders over significance of life and downside of capitalism,” Mr. Kim chuckled, “but yeah, always gets back quicker than before and does more of everything that makes him happy. More walks, more cycling, more work because yes work makes him happy, reading and going out on stupid trips with me.”

Mr. Kim’s shoulders looked more relax now.

He sighed, a father’s sigh, and looked at the ceiling as if to say to his wife that they had done it. That their son was happy.

“I am glad he has you to keep him happy,” Mr. Kim said and wiped his nose with a tissue paper.

Jin shook his head and looked at his feet modestly, “I cannot even begin to describe how terribly happy I am to have him.”

Jin saw Mr. Kim’s hand in his periphery until it rested lightly on his chin and lifted it up. Mr. Kim made sure that Jin knew he meant it when he said, “Then I am glad both you have each other.”

And Jin knew he should keep his mouth shut. Namjoon had let him go last time but- “It was not me that kept him happy,” and after a pause added, “initially.”

Mr. Kim pulled back, confused, but patient.

And Jin blurted out, “Mr. Kim, what do you think about artists?”

And when Mr. Kim replied positively, Jin smiled lightly at him to ask whether he would like to listen to Jin’s favourite artist, RM.

***

Jin was pacing outside Mr. Kim’s house. His packed suitcase was already in his car and Monie was agitatedly barking at him.

Jin was too panicked to calm him down or even stop pacing.

Jin had spent two hours in the morning making Mr. Kim listen to Namjoon’s whole discography. He tried his best to explain beauty of every song, how much thought went into each lyric and the pain… he did not have to explain that. Mr. Kim was in tears after listening to Reflection and Forever Rain and didn’t stop.

He kept saying how hadn’t known, that he had no clue and Jin tried his best to explain why Namjoon had kept it all a secret.

And then-

Then Namjoon had walked out of his room, shocked to find Jin hugging his dad who was in tears and Namjoon’s recent song playing in the background.

Namjoon’s eyes blew open and before Jin could see the same betrayal he had a night ago, Mr. Kim got up to hug Namjoon. He kept kissing his cheeks and muttering, ‘my boy, my beautiful beautiful boy’ and Jin had left both of them alone to pack his stuff and had since not seen both of them.

It was an hour and a half ago.

Jin picked a shovel up and started cleaning snow from the car-park. Most of the snow had melted, as it was warmer today, but the need to do something had him picking whatever lumps he could find.

Namjoon had forgiven him once, he would not do so again. A day ago, he was ready to kick Jin out of the house (not really), this time he would kick Jin out of his life (hopefully not, fuck, would he resign too? fuck).

The door behind Jin opened and he froze.

Namjoon was extremely personal and liked doing things on his own. Hated having his liberty stolen and fuck fuckfuck.

When footsteps stopped behind him, he knew he had to turn around. Jin gripped the handle of the shovel and rested it against the wall slowly to turn around.

Honestly, he was waiting for a sharp stark slap. He deserved it, at least somewhat.

But Namjoon looked like he had been crying for the past hour and half and Jin hated it. He had promised he wouldn’t make Namjoon ever cry alone.

His face was blank when he said, “You love meddling in, don’t you?”

And Jin knew it was coming. Tears pricked his eyes, Namjoon was not going to be crying alone, and he knew he was going to let go.

Jin opened his mouth to- to what? Plead? Give excuses? Thank Namjoon and his father for everything: the kindness, the company, the food, the joy? Or bring RJ back out from the grave just to be forgiven? Surely, RJ would be forgiven if Jin couldn’t.

But no. If Jin were to be let gone, he would do it as Jin. It was matter of his fucking pride now.

So he squared his shoulders but kept his gaze on the ground.

“You had no right, do you understand me? No fucking right.” Namjoon spoke. “It was my secret to tell not yours, Jin. God, I was so so fucking angry.”

Jin knew it, he knew Namjoon would be angry, god, why did he have to do things that cost him so much but still he couldn’t bring himself to regret?

Mr. Kim had been so moved, like Jin had been, so so moved because of RM and Jin wished he could regret it.

“But god, Jin, I am so fucking happy right now that I can’t even stay mad at you.”

Regretting would make it so eas- what? Happy?!

Jin looked up and he was so embarrassed that Namjoon had seen him cry twice on a three day trip but as kind as he was, Namjoon merely stepped closer to brush his tears away, like he had the night before, and said, “I can’t tell you how happy I feel.”

And Jin sighed. He knew he was still probably not forgiven but still, Namjoon was happy. That’s all Jin had wanted.

“Are  you- are you letting me go now? Is it a goodbye?” Jin had stopped crying now and pulled Namjoon’s hand away to steel himself once again. Namjoon was happy, Jin could accept the loss of his own happiness.

Namjoon’s eyebrows drew together and then he cursed.

“For fuck’s sake, Jin, I am not that much of an idiot.”

Jin kept his hands fisted and waited for Namjoon to explain.

Namjoon muttered how frustrating he was being before he stepped closer, wrapped an arm around Jin and kissed his forehead. “I am never letting you go, Jin, please know that.”

And Jin whipped his head back and disbelievingly looked at Namjoon.

What was he saying? Why was he being so difficult? Why was he not letting Jin go? He never never sacrificed his autonomy over his life and his decisions.

“What?” Jin asked in a dolorous voice.

“You know you don’t have to do it,” Jin had his hands against his chest when Namjoon spoke, “You don’t have to give us all back now. As if, as if you are never fucking coming back.”

And Jin shook.

How did he- how did Namjoon-

“I know you, Jin,” he muttered urgently, “I know you. But please know, you don’t have to thank us like this, you are coming back. You can always come back. You don’t have to take extreme decisions as if it is now or never. You can come back and have it, us, for as long as you want.”

And Jin’s knees buckled. He understood nothing.

“Okay,” he told Namjoon, “okay,” and he gave in. He was known after all and accepted.

He rested his head against Namjoon’s neck, breathing in his minty scent and unfalteringly accepted that he could get used to Namjoon’s habit of always hugging Jin. Holding him up, having his back and keeping him together and collected.

He could let Namjoon get away with it (like he let Jin).

After what felt like hours, Jin pulled back feebly to ask what had happened and how did both of them feel.

Namjoon explained that his father had apologized for making it look like he had to hide a part of him and then Namjoon had explained his own doubts and guilt and then they had cried with his father telling him how proud he was of Namjoon and everything that made him him and also how proud his mother must be of him too.

“Then I cried some more,” Namjoon finished the account.

“So everything is fine? Right?” Jin asked.

“Yes, he advocated for you, you know? Told me not to ‘say a word to that sweet boy’,” Namjoon pinched him, “But, don’t you fucking do it again.”

Jin looked at him sheepishly but did not promise back.

“He…” Namjoon began after a while and Jin looked at him expectantly, “He also said he approved of my choices. That he was a modern dad and he could love his son unconditionally.”

Jin shot a dazzling smile at Namjoon, happy for him, but still felt a little lost. He still had his hand on Jin’s cheek, his eyes were intense and hungrily scanning Jin’s face as if his words had more meaning than they implied.

Jin would have cracked what it was but he was too eager and caught up in the almost-mess he had conjured and asked, “And what did you say?”

Namjoon took a deep breath, “I said the same thing.”

Jin felt like he was continuously losing track of conversation but Namjoon after taking his time, pulled back a little to interlace his finger with Jin’s, “I told him I was a modern son and could love my dad unconditionally and that I would approve of whatever he decided to do with his life.”

Jin not wanting to assume, pressed a query through their interlaced hands until Namjoon rolled his eyes and pointed at the apartment above Mr. Kim’s and Jin’s heart bloomed like an overgrown rose and he hugged Namjoon tightly.

“You are so fucking marvellous and I am so so proud of you,” Jin’s fondness and joy were evident in his voice and Namjoon laughed freely at his reaction.

“Let’s go home, okay?” Namjoon said once he let go.

Jin had not answered right away. He had not even answered when Mr. Kim came out with packed food for ‘both his sons’, not when Namjoon had put their suit cases in and Jin had hugged Monie goodbye and promised to bring treats for him next time in his ear, not until Mr. Kim hugged both of them goodbye and Jin held Namjoon’s hand across his dad’s back and answered.

He was already home.

**

“Son?”

“Yes,” Jin said, too busy trying to roll the sheet of seaweed properly for their kimbap lunch.

“Namjoon is not the clinging type, you know?” Mr. Kim said.

“Huh?” Shit! The sheet had to be rolled again, the rice and the filling kept falling. Should he wet his hands again?

“Nothing, pass me the salt.”

***