Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There’s not much to think about this late at night, when he looks up at the ceiling and everything is done for today. His brain feels like TV static— or better yet, the hum of a microwave warming up his frozen pizza. He wishes he could toast it so it’s better quality (as “quality” as a frozen pizza can get) but he wants that pizza now, and fast. At least, that’s what he would do if he was home, but he’s not. 

He’s again sleeping in the bed on this slightly cold spring night, which is odd, because he’s in LA, where it’s supposed to be warm. It’s not like he necessarily minds the cold, but he’s just a bit confused. But his brain is telling him to just go to sleep, but his body is still jittering as if he’s being electrocuted.

Which comes up as a problem (obviously, regardless of prior obligation) when it’s 6 fucking am in the morning, and he has a flight to catch at 9. 

He gives up, and goes over the list of things that happened yesterday. 

1. He went to the meeting.
2. They got the deal, which he was surprised about.
3. He hugged Chikage.
4. Wait. He hugged Chikage?

He jolts up after remembering what seemed to be a crucial detail on an important day, which he doesn’t understand. Maybe his brain was trying really hard to forget it. (thanks, brain)  But unfortunately for him, he remembered that detail. Fuck. 

Well, looking back on it he doesn’t think that Chikage particularly dis liked it. Chikage just… may or may not have hugged him back for the most awkward 4 seconds of his life. Scratch that, he definitely did, when tracing back the events of this afternoon, which is unexplainably vague to him for some reason. Which he could definitely attribute to his brain starting to re-realize all the events that happened, rolling over in his bed and groaning, before looking to Chikage’s side of the room, which is in a state of a little disarray, which he is a bit out of character for him, who brought basically nothing but what he needed, where at least Itaru brought a couple extra things. Mostly skincare, but Azami would hurt him, and his skin would basically revolt against him.

Itaru gets up, rubbing his eyes a bit, taking one last look at the night city, looking like grids of lights that remind him of pixels on a screen, the streets actually looking a little empty compared to their first day. The window seems a bit cloudy, and he can see his reflection in the glass window, which he observes for a bit, looking at the slight pimple or bump on his jaw, then rubbing over it as if he was fidgeting with it. The moon seems to be coming right through the window, but this time, it’s a new moon that barely has any light shining on it that would reflect, but it feels as if the moonlight is extra piercing. The clouds have seemed to clear the way of the moon from the angle that he’s looking at, like someone shot an arrow through it.

He walks away from the window, getting his glasses from the nightstand, and goes over Chikage’s side of the room. The bed seems freshly made, like something hasn’t settled down on it, with the slight wrinkles in it, which gives it a sense of chaos, like the rest of his side. Should he? He doesn’t, and takes a couple strides over from the foot of Chikage’s bed to the bathroom, checking to see if the light is on. It isn’t.

Where has Chikage gone? Well, fuck if he knows. He doesn’t know shit about where he is. Probably. There’s nothing for him to do in LA, right? Frankly, he doesn’t car— Care? He thinks to himself before finishing the sentence in his mind, which he doesn’t. He is aware of how he cares. Now he’s really glaring at the laptop and the bag that’s still open on the side of his bed. Should he? Maybe. He ends up doing it.

Well, he knows he won’t find anything. Chikage isn’t stupid. Maybe it was foreseeable that he would try snooping around which— wait. The laptop comes back from sleep mode, which is on a browser tab.

Ah. What did he expect? 

— 

Chikage knows it isn’t good to be out here so late.

But he still is for some reason, which confuses him to no end, when his thoughts have been occupied for so long for no reason. 

He shouldn’t be confused.

He knows he shouldn’t be confused, but still is, which he guesses is basically inevitable, and comes with his “humanity” which he wishes he could do away with, but for some reason, no matter how hard he tries to do it he can’t. Maybe in a sick, twisted way, he still wishes to keep his humanity, which he just does not understand about himself. He can’t have it both ways.

But he definitely knows why he’s in such “emotional turmoil”, if that’s what you can call it.

Itaru hugged him.

And if he’s being honest, it’s the warmest hug he’s felt since— Yeah. He can still feel the phantom pressure caused by Itaru’s arms which he’s basically just berating himself for in his mind that’s only a bit cloudy from the grogginess that you get from staying up till 3 am, which he didn’t even know it was till he checked his watch. 

He feels lost in time, in a vague area as he looks out on the pool that ripples in the wind against the fluorescent lights that seem to light up the bottom and top of the pool, with circular lights lining it. No one is here— just how he likes it— and the staff have seemed to call take a rest for the night. Which is understandable, of course. But it’s good. To have no one here. The wind feels like it’s howling at him, even when the leaves on the trees aren’t rustling in the early spring breeze that still has the bite of cold from the winter, with only just a slight movement as the air isn’t completely stale here. It still feels like it is though, with some of the air pollution, but what does he expect— it’s a large city.

And now he needs to think, when he can’t distract himself from the scenery anymore. Think about specifically the events of this afternoon.

Itaru hugged him.

There’s not much to say other than that. Well, he hugged him, and then broke away super quickly before saying sorry, quickly packing up before walking out quickly after beckoning to him in a meek voice.

He’s not going to say he didn’t like it though.

He definitely did— he’s not going to lie. But he should. Some people are such good liars that they begin to believe their own lie, which genuinely is what his end goal is— even if he doesn’t state it himself.

Life is so difficult. Too difficult for what it’s worth to him anyways. But for some reason he’s still here. He could’ve just found some place to stay. A coworker. A female coworker, because they always seem to welcome him in. But he didn’t. Why? Why is he so compelled to come back to MANKAI, to come back to Itaru. He shakes off the thought, already heading back inside, setting his mind on the walk back to the hotel room.

— 

Itaru isn’t hurt at all, really. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t matter to him in the first place but it still stands— the fact that Chikage is looking for another job isn’t too detached from reality. Chikage doesn’t really have the best relationship with him anymore. Well— they never had the best relationship ever since he came back but that’s beside the point.

Itaru is not hurt.

He refuses to be hurt. I mean, there was no reason to get his hopes up obviously. It’s not like Chikage was going to get up one day and decide magically that he liked him. Right? Well, it seemed like that sometimes when they went to work together this week. Even if it seemed forced.

But it does hurt. It strikes him right in the heart, like he was stabbed with a needle in the heart; nothing too hard to create a health complication, but enough to where it would sting a bit. Itaru definitely can’t sleep. He closes Chikage’s laptop quickly when he hears footsteps that sound as if they would be Chikage’s, and goes back into bed with his phone tucked away. He hears the click of the lock of the door, and the creaking of the door when it opens. It’s Chikage. Probably. It really can’t be anyone else, but he can’t help but open his eyes just a little bit to peek at him. 

He’s disheveled. But not particularly hurt, just his hair looks a bit like a bird’s nest, and he’s not wearing his glasses. His eyebags seemed to have gotten bigger, but that might just be a trick of the light, as he comes back into the same dark room. He sighs loudly, ruffling his right hand through his hair slowly, stretching before picking up the laptop and moving it over to the desk.

Itaru is not hurt. Definitely not.

It’s not like he was expecting much from him— it’s Chikage Utsuki for fuck’s sake.

But maybe there was just a little hope.

Just maybe.

Which is just him affirming himself— or trying so hard to convince himself it doesn’t hurt, when it does. He was hoping. Maybe he would stay, or maybe he would have a change of heart, but he obviously got his hopes up. Just like he always has, from highschool to now, when he’s 27 long years old. So why the hell does he still get his hopes up even when he already knows how everything is going to end? Asking the questions he knows the answer to already, but he refuses to answer them in his head, so what was even the point of asking them?

He gets his hopes up because he cares. That’s what he knows.

He cares so much for certain people (like Chikage) that it begins to hurt.

But caring isn’t really a thing he can afford, can he?

—

The drive back home is completely silent, but Chikage isn’t nearly enough of an asshole to just drive off without Itaru, leaving him stranded until he finds a cab. Does he even have the money to pay for a cab to drive him back home?

Never mind that, does he have the money to pay for an Uber to take him home?

Itaru and him step out of the car quickly, to be greeted by Izumi.

“Welcome home, Itaru! Chika—” Chikage quickly walks by Itaru and Izumi, opening the door and taking a brisk walk inside. 

“Hey, Director.”

“Have you been.. studying your role?” 

“...No.”

“Itaru.” Izumi can already tell something went wrong. “...Let’s head inside. Never mind the role. That doesn’t matter right now.”

“Thanks.” Itaru shoves his hands in his pant pockets, and follows Izumi closely behind. It’s night time on a weekday, so most people are asleep, excluding the people who are basically adults and decide their own bedtime because Sakyo can’t really yell at them, can he? Well, he could, but it’s not like any of them would listen to him. Scratch that, they would. Sakyo is loud and a bit fearsome.

“Take a seat. I have some tea brewing. I was going to head to sleep after I welcomed you two home, but we can talk.” Izumi gets up. “Of course, if you want to talk. Tea?”

“No, no, I can talk. I can go for some tea too.” Itaru laughs. “It wasn’t too bad, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Izumi is in the kitchen when she responds, the stream of tea pouring from the teapot adding a nice bit of white noise to the environment in a relatively silent area. Just what he needed. “It obviously was pretty bad though. Chikage didn’t even say hello. Like, even when he just came here he was at least polite ! Not like he needs to be polite with me, but just at least a greeting would be nice. Just… recount the events that happened.”

“Well… First day was fine. Well, relatively fine. I texted you about it anyways.”

“Yeah, I know.” She comes back quickly, holding two mugs, handing one to Itaru. Izumi takes a big whiff of the tea before taking her first sip.

“Second day was the first meeting, which wasn’t too bad, I just fucked up. But for some reason, he consoled me? Which was weird, of course, because he hadn’t treated me like that in a long while, but he consoled because I just couldn’t answer one of the easy questions. So I asked him, are we friends or not because he kept treating me like one.” Izumi nods. “He said no, this is just for work. And of course, reasonably I got mad!”

“Well, you’re definitely right in how you reacted. It is an asshole move of course, but is that it?”

“No. Last meeting which happened on the last day, I hugged him because we made the deal.”

“You hugged him?!”

“Yes, I did, which I do regret, but it’s not like he particularly disliked it, like he didn’t push me away.”

“I see. So why is he so pissed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, do you need him out still?”

“It’ll be awkward… but I’ll be fine. I’m used to it by this point.”

—

Walking into the office, there’s not really much of a difference between a week before today, which does make sense, considering that it’s only been a week, but now there’s a framed photo of his daughter on his desk. It’s not very ornately decorated on the outside, but he can see his boss stare into it very softly, before looking up at them, and telling them to sit down. “I saw your report, you two!” Their boss greets them with a wide grin on his face, which just seems a bit brighter than it usually would be.

“Ah, yes.” Chikage starts to respond to him first, a stern look on his face, as he fixes his glasses, pulling them back very confidently in one, deft motion. “Did you need anything explained? Everything is up to your standards, of course, but me and my coworker here would be glad to explain anything that you’re confused by.” Coworker is tinged with a hint of venom, just enough to cause him discomfort, but not so obvious that it notifies everyone else that Chikage does not like him.

“No, no, the report was extremely good! I’m proud of you two. Maybe it could contribute to later pay, haha... “ He tries to lighten the serious mood set by Chikage, who’s obviously a bit irritated at the new mood that’s been set. Chikage and Itaru forcibly laugh, even when they’re far too tired to laugh in the first place, because they’re just so jetlagged from the flight that it hurts. “Anyways, let’s drink! It’s on me! After work! Some bonding would be nice with my two best workers!”

“Oh, yes, definitely!” He gives a smile to him that could fool even him if he wasn’t paying attention.

“Great! Itaru, how about you?”

It’s silent for a bit again, causing him to panic because he isn’t responding to him. “No, no, I’ll be fine. I have… things to attend to.” Itaru does not have anything to attend to. Which was obvious as a blatant lie, as Chikage gives him a look that just screams “that was a terrible lie.”

“Like?” He seems to have bought it, but now he actually has to think of a good excuse, so he compiles a quick mental list to try to pad out the time.

1. Groceries.
2. Groceries.
3. Groceries.
4. Groceries.

Why does he keep thinking about groceries? He mentally bonks himself on the head to punish himself. “Um… Just things.” Now he’s fucked.

“C’mon! I insist!” His boss gives him a big grin which is unsensible when he’s at work. He wouldn’t doubt him if he said that he loved his job though. 

Itaru darts his eyes around the room to try to come up with something, but it’s pretty much obvious that he doesn’t have an excuse, so what even is the point of it?

Itaru is basically trapped. “...Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me. I’ll come.”

“Great!” Itaru has never seen someone so excitable by a small drink outing. “I’ll meet you at the entrance once your shift is over!”

Itaru is not convinced.

—

Ah. He’s here. He’s really here. Sitting here. At the entrance. Next to Chikage. But this time, he doesn’t even try to start a conversation. He just doesn’t understand why his heart is beating so fast next to him. The entrance of the building is a bit too sterile for his liking, with muted greens and oranges that color block the wall, with the same vibes as the office building back in LA, with the generic office plants that don’t take as much maintenance to keep alive, and the weird abstract paintings that look almost like a smattering of paint, which he doesn’t think is so bad, as some people do, but it feels a bit pretentious with the plaques that are plastered onto the bottom of the bigger ones that have the title, the author, and the date it was made.

Not to shit on anyone’s work, of course. 

The lounge chairs he’s sitting in at the front entrance are at the weird intersection of uncomfortable and comfortable, where you shift your position every 5 minutes to accommodate your spine, but no matter what you do, you still just can’t find that right position. (without getting into some weird ass one that makes you look like a complete fool) The glass table has slight finger markings, maybe from a child of a coworker, but the janitor comes quickly to wipe it down, with a quick excuse me, making it seem more spotless, with a citrus scent coming to fill his nostrils.

But other than that janitor that came in and is already out like a ninja, there is no one else here, excluding Chikage. The receptionist has already gone home, and the light of the sign that would be over her has already turned off. The office building seems to have gone to sleep. 

And onto Chikage. Chikage. What a character, Itaru would call him, neither negative or positive, because of course he still harbors some feelings towards him. Some feelings. Nondescript, but already aware of what he’s getting at. Chikage is dressed in his same salaryman suit, but a different color, still with a bit more wear and tear on it, with some stains on it that aren’t so obvious that you could see them from conversation distance, but based on how close they seem to be sitting (probably like a foot) he can see them on his sleeve. Nothing seems to have frayed though, and it’s still relatively spotless. 

Itaru hasn’t studied Chikage like this. Or anyone like this, if he wanted to become more specific than Chikage. His skin seems to be a bit rough with tiny scars on his face that are, of course, too small to be noticed from conversation distance, but if he was close like a lover, it would be obvious. It’s almost like it’s beckoning to be traced over, but he knows he can’t do that. His skin is still spotless though, with basically no acne scars, and his pores so small that if he were to take his skin and use it as a strainer, the liquid coming out would be so smooth that it would rival the clarity of some fancy water. 

Time is weird. Time truly is weird, because for a moment, he forgets that he’s been gone for three years, so it makes sense why he’s beginning to pick up on all these details and how they’ve changed over the years, because he means— you eventually do pick up on these.

He’s not fidgeting at all, his hands still deft as ever, but still with the same “problems” as Chikage’s face does: A bit rough with tiny scars. He’s holding a magazine, which Itaru already knows he’s not reading, but just looking at the photos, trying to distract himself from the slightly awkward atmosphere that Itaru and Chikage have created around them, which… may be a little out of character for him, but he doesn’t want to state that. 

Itaru takes out his phone because he doesn’t want Chikage to notice that Itaru has been staring at him for a solid 5 minutes at this point, clicking on the KniRoun app that he’s been grinding, his phone muted this time because unfortunately, he does not have his earbuds with him to be able to listen. Gawain greets him with a “Hmph.” and something aloof which would not be out of character for him, and he opens an area and starts playing, which is a period of time which is shortly ended by the laughter of what he assumes to be his boss, and people from the other departments.

“Ah! Itaru! Chikage! My star workers! Are you two ready to go?”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Itaru already has fatigue beginning to take over his voice slowly, which is barely masked by the slight chatter that follows his boss.

Chikage doesn’t have to respond, as he closes the magazine he was reading about home life which— what would he know? And gets up and follows closely behind, Itaru trailing behind. “I already know a good bar that’s in walking distance. We can go. Did you guys take your cars here?”

“I have my own. Itaru took the subway here.”

“Got it.”

—

He definitely was right in saying that it was a pretty quick walk, but god, this bar is a bit too fancy for his taste, with classy decor which makes it feel like a speakeasy, but it’s nice. The alcohol is nice. But he may have drunk too much. 

Itaru and Chikage are laughing together, and it almost seems like old times when Chikage mentions something funny and Itaru adds something onto it. They’re talking about the time Misumi got lost with a crow and was thought to be the god of it by the priest for some reason, which everyone doesn’t seem to believe— which, understandable, because Misumi is basically a cryptid in the flesh— and the showing the video of Misumi dancing in the middle of the shrine is basically all they need to prove their point, as well as show an article about the Sankaku Shrine.

“ He made that?”

“Technically!” Chikage and Itaru chuckle together. “Everyone in the dorms was looking for him, but my fri…” Chikage stops talking, but Itaru quickly finishes the sentence.

“Our friend Hisoka helped us out with everything.”

The scenery seems a bit blurry, clouds seemingly gathering over his eyes as he tries to take in the bar’s atmosphere once more. It feels comfy somehow, but mostly because it isn’t too loud, and it’s softly lit with an amber glow that gives everything a warmer hue. It’s a little more fancy than he’s used to, but it’s okay, because it’s at that fine intersection of fancy and far too casual for his taste. It’s not quiet, but it’s not too loud, given how small the bar is. He’s not mad at it though. There’s not too many people here, not even full for a work night that closes in the week, and allows people to escape into the weekend, which he’s grateful for— meaning that he doesn’t have to try nearly as hard to be a sociable person.

He’s not technically drunk but he will admit, he’s tipsy, and his eyes are glossed over making them extra shiny, but not to the point where his eyes are red and look like he’s a complete drunk. He doesn’t even like the taste of alcohol, and would much rather prefer a fruity drink, but at the risk of seeming weird to his coworkers, he got some weird craft beer that he can’t even pronounce the name of, and it doesn’t even taste that good. Itaru swears people drink this shit to get drunk. 

He’s not particularly against getting drunk though.

It’s a fine escape for a short amount of time, but he would much rather be home playing games. 

Itaru is sort of aware of what’s coming out of his mouth, but a conversation about work while drunk would not be the best decision to make, so he’s relatively silent, and pretty good at keeping his mouth shut. 

“Hey! Itaru…! Another round?” His boss looks at him and his empty glass with just the ice in it.

“No, no, I’ve had too much alread—”

“Another round! C’mon! It’s on me~! You can’t just pass up some nice beer!”

“...Fine, fine, okay.” He was not aware that he said that, but he said it anyways, which he already knows might fuck him over. This is the last one, and then he’s done.

But onto Chikage, who’s still talking, and already done with his drink, and doesn’t seem nearly as affected as Itaru who’s teetering on the borderline of drunk and tipsy, and so far, it is almost obvious that he is going to be drunk if he drinks this last one. Which he will have to. God, how will he get home, he thinks, interrupted by the next round of drinks served by the waiter. Chikage isn’t even flushed for some reason, which doesn’t exactly aggravate him, but rather confuses him to no end, as this is expected. Someone’s alcohol tolerance doesn’t change just like that, right? His movements are a little less sharp, his tone a little less pointed, and his shoulders relaxing just a bit more than they would usually when he’s sitting down. He doesn’t seem nearly as on guard as he usually is, which is a welcome change, even when he knows him and Chikage won’t be talking.

“Thank you!” His boss passes it around, the chattering still going on, which he comprehends none of, nor does he want to occupy his thoughts with it. It is odd for him to be silent during these times though, so he lets out a little quip in response every now and then, Chikage, for some reason, staring at him but without Itaru’s notice, probably acknowledging that Itaru’s eyes keep drifting back at him. Itaru throws back the last gulp of it back into his throat before standing up, and saying, “Thank you very much for the drinks. However, I must be… uh… going!” He doesn’t even know how he’s gonna get home. He definitely cannot drive in this groggy state— which is more than obvious, even to him, the person who he’s criticizing. Itaru isn’t too drunk, but he’s definitely not sober enough to drive. He’s just… somewhere on that spectrum. 

He’s not even sure if he can find his way to the subway though, which might just be a little bit too much of a struggle for him for him to do, so he’s probably just gonna get himself an Uber. He still has to be wary of those, but at least he knows what his ride is now. His boss frowns at the statement, almost giving him puppy eyes. “Ah… what a shame. Maybe next time, hm? This isn’t going to be the last time right?” He wishes it were going to be his last time, but he knows that he’s going to have to do this stuff again. It’s just for the social footing and getting that raise he really wants.

“Definitely.” Itaru slowly gets out of the booth, losing his balance slowly, but obviously, which Chikage notices and gets up to catch him when he finally falls down. Chikage catches him in his arms quickly, able to support his weight, standing him up straight. 

“Are you okay? Chikage sometimes actually sounds like he cares, which Itaru doesn’t even know anymore, and the line is even more blurred by the amount of alcohol that’s in his system currently. 

“Haha… yeah. I’m okay. Thanks, Utsuki-san.”  Itaru’s speech is a little bit more slurred than usual. He slouches back down again. “I’ll call myself a ride.”

“I’m taking you home.” His tone is stern, as if he was going to wag his finger at him.

“What?”

“I’m taking you home.” God, he’s serious.

“No, you aren’t. The hell?” Itaru looks at him in disbelief in his eyes.

Chikage just ends up making the decision for him. “I’ll be taking him home, okay?”

“Ah, Chikage. You’re going as well?” He’s not particularly phased by Chikage leaving, which he wasn't nearly as whiny as he was with Itaru, mostly because he’s probably realized it’s 7 pm, and he needs to get back home.  

Chikage quickly makes up an excuse which shows that he isn’t drunk, and also gives him a free pass to get out. “Yes. I’m not feeling particularly well with all this alcohol I’ve consumed, so I hope you understand.” Not like he needs this excuse, he probably could’ve just left and after saying he’s leaving.

“It’s completely understandable!” He’s borderline yelling out the words which he doesn’t need to when this bar is just way too small for that.  “I’ll see you guys at work next week, okay?”

“Yes. See you guys.” 

He drags Itaru out by the wrist quickly. 

“You drank too much.”

“Not really. I just don’t want to be there for too long.”

“Yeah. I know. Let’s go. My car isn’t too far.”

There’s not anything remarkable about the car ride, except for the deathly silence that seems to have taken over the entire car after that “scene” that they created in the bar, which was relatively convincing. Well, it’s not like they were specifically trying to make it convincing, as it was basically just a scene between him and Chikage, which weirdly affected how he perceived Chikage. For some reason, Chikage looks a little mad, or just feels like he’s mad, even with the hardest poker face he’s seen come from someone. Maybe that’s just his face. It doesn’t look like he’s particularly focused on the road, even with the fair share of complications that come from driving.

Itaru’s vision is a little bit clearer, but his brain is a little hazy with the fogginess that comes with alcohol, now just being a tipsy fog rather than an almost-drunk fog that seems to coat his brain in a condensation of water. He’s just a little bit more aware of everything. The highway seems to be getting longer and longer for some reason, even when he is driving oddly fast, even for Chikage. He’s not angry at that, because he does want to get home. He’s tired. But the sun seems to be almost setting, and it feels just a little bit late for it to be setting. The scenery slowly gains more greenery, which is beginning to grow back its leaves for the upcoming summer as they get later and later into the season of spring.

But aside from that, Itaru’s just a little mad.

Not even a little, but maybe just a moderate mad.

He’s pretty mad for multiple reasons, rightfully so. He lists them down for later to tell Izumi.

1. He does not want to be with Chikage right now.
2. Chikage forced him into this car.
3. Chikage said that it was just business, but this is definitely not business.

Itaru breaks the silence. “Why?”

“What?”

“Why are you taking me home?”

“None of your business.”

“Well, it obviously is my business. I’m the one being taken home here.”

Chikage goes silent, no response, which is another reminder of how the trip went. Itaru decides to speak up again. “Are you going to respond?” Chikage seems like he’s thinking, but a little slower because now he’s focusing on driving, as he lifts his foot a little bit off of the gas pedal as they make a right turn to exit out of the highway. The silence in the car is almost suffocating, too thick that it becomes almost tangible for him. He weaves quickly through the roads, and quickly reaches the dorms.

Chikage stops and pulls into the driveway with his rental car. “We’re here. Let’s head inside.” Itaru gets out of the car, just a little bit more heated than usual. The living room is open as Chikage fiddles around with the lock to get in, opening it slowly, and closing it slowly, and they both head quickly to their dorms.

The dorms are quiet again with only a few lights on, but no loud noises, even for a weekend. Nothing is really going on, even for a Friday, when he’d expect it to be just a little bit more loud. They both enter the room, which was practically untouched, except for when he sees his fridge with a note from Banri saying, “I wanted the soda in the fridge. Sorry for taking it, I’ll be sure to pay you back later.” He looks at the little signature in the bottom from Banri, scoffing at it, and then throwing it quickly on the floor.

Itaru is more than just a little bit mad, obviously, when he throws it on the floor with half anger and half carelessness for the cleanliness of the room, but he starts talking, resuming their conversation from where they left off.

“Is everything just business to you? Do I mean nothing? Chikage.” No response from Chikage, who just continues to unpack his little to no luggage quickly. He takes out his laptop, still ignoring Itaru, not even looking at him. He doesn’t even break a frown, a twitch of the face. Just completely neutral. Itaru places his luggage quickly near the desk underneath his loft bed, already procrastinating on unpacking. 

Itaru continues on. “Chikage, I missed you. I know I sound fucking insane, but I seriously missed you, Chikage. I missed you so fucking much and I can’t just let you go again, not without hearing you say that you hate me. Enough with that bullshit, ‘it’s just business’ excuse.” Chikage opens his laptop already, and is already typing something up quickly, which only agitates Itaru more and more. He takes a step towards Chikage’s desk, underneath the loft bed. “You didn’t need to be nice to me on the trip. Who the fuck was there to see you be nice? Who was there to see you be caring when you just completely threw me away after you were nice to me. Say it. Say that you hate me.”

Chikage finally responds, almost meekly, but his voice still seems to reverberate around the room with power. “Listen. I don’t… hate you.”

“Then what?” He walks over to Chikage.

Chikage gets up. “I just can’t deal with you. This.”

A switch goes off in Itaru that turns what he means to be a straight question into a one sided yelling match. “Deal with me? What the hell? What the fuck?” He places his fingers on the bridge of his nose in stress. He can already feel the heat of crying reach his eyes slowly, the tears already starting to creep into his vision from the bottom lid.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I—” Chikage is swiftly interrupted by Itaru’s sudden assertiveness.

“You didn’t? You didn’t? Just fucking say it, Chikage! Say that you hate me!” He keeps taking steps forward, the first teardrop falling down his face.

No response.

“Say that you hate me, and then I’ll let you go.” He takes another step forward, more tears streaming down his face.

No response.

“Say that you hate me, and I’ll go away. I’ll stop.” He takes more steps forward, imposing more and more on him while the tears reach his chin and practically drip down, hitting the floor almost theatrically because he didn’t wipe them away.

No response.

“I’ll stop caring so fucking much about how you think about me and how you’re feeling. I’ll stop loving you!”

No response.

The room reaches complete silence, as if you could hear a pin hit the floor. The wind outside is rustling the leaves of the trees oddly loud, and the dorms are quiet too, so he’s sure that the others can hear him through the walls. God, he doesn’t even want to think about the conversation they’re going to have because of this argument.

Itaru and Chikage stand in complete silence, Chikage watching the streams coming out of Itaru’s eyes fall down his face, and Itaru staring back with almost desperate eyes. Chikage seems like he’s in shock as he walks over to the couch quickly putting on his sweater that was draped over it, and walking to the door.

“Wait, Chikage, where the hell are you going?”

No response.

Itaru runs to the open door quickly, seeing Chikage almost run to the driveway, Izumi heading to their dorm, looking back at Chikage run, and looking forward at Itaru.

“Itaru, what happened? Wait. Don’t tell me. Just… tell me what you need right now.”

“We need to reach him. I know where he might be, just… drive me.”

—

When Itaru and Izumi reach the cemetery, the sun’s already down, but there are still slight bits of light popping out of the horizon, tinting the sky a little orange at the bottom, when it’s mostly just night sky already. He can still see though, because the lights that line the walkways of the cemetery are on, but he already knows where he’s going without light.

“Izumi, drop me off.”

“What?”

“You can drop me off here.”

“Okay. Want me to come?”

“No. I’ll be fine.” He wipes away the last of his tears before opening the door and heading out.

The cemetery feels a little odd with the lack of light coming through from the sky, but the little to no moonlight doesn’t supplement the oddity of being here. He already knows where Chikage is. And he’s already found him.

“How’d you know I’d be here?” He doesn’t look back, but just continues to look down at Hisoka’s grave, reading his name over and over again as if he’s trying to memorize it, as if he’s going to forget it the second that he stops looking at it.

Itaru speaks up shakily, trying hard to push the words out. “Intuition.”

“Sorry.” 

Itaru continues to walk towards him. Chikage is still looking down at the grave, looking at the bag of marshmallows that he placed down there last time he was here. It almost hurts to stay here for Chikage, with how much emotion it harbors. “Sorry for what? What is there to be sorry for?”

Chikage doesn’t respond to that, but quickly changes the topic. “This is unlike me, Itaru. Just… leave. I’ll be gone soon anyways. I have another assignment anyways.” He sounds melancholy, as if he’s saying farewell again, or like he’s doing to die.

Itaru already feels like he’s going to cry again just standing next to Chikage, looking down at the grave. “I’m not letting you go without a goodbye, Chikage. Just some sort of answer.” Itaru sounds almost desperate for him. “Do you hate me?”

No response, but this time, the silence feels different. It doesn’t feel like the silence that used to distance them, but as if this silence is pulling them together.

“Do you like me?”

Chikage opens his mouth, and closes it again, not knowing what to say. It feels like they’re stuck, unable to speak, until Chikage finally seems to work up the courage to speak. “Listen, Itaru… I just can’t be with you. I can’t be with them. Itaru, I like you. I like you, and I like the others, even if this emotion is irrational. I know that even if we started dating, it wouldn’t work out.” Chikage says it like he’s warning Itaru. “I know it won’t work out. I can’t lose you again. I can’t lose you for real. As long as I know you’re still alive, I’ll be fine. Just being around me is dangerous, and I just can’t lose you. I wouldn’t be able to walk the Earth knowing that I hurt another one of my loved ones. It happened to Hisoka. What if it happens to you? What if it happens to the others?”

“You know I don’t give a shit.”

“What?”

“You know I don’t care if I get hurt, and I don’t care if I die just by sticking around you again. I can’t do this again. I can’t lose you again. I don’t care if I die. I’m not letting you go without a fight. Just stay.”

He takes a breath.

“Just… stay.”

“Listen… Itaru. I think I like you. Not in the friendly way.”

“Then that’s all I need to hear.”