Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

"But what if he doesn't like me?" Alex mutters.

Luke screams. Julie punches him in the shoulder and Reggie bangs his head against the wall of the practice room.

"How can you be so dense?" Luke croaks. He grabs Alex from the shoulders and shakes him a little. "Willie likes you, dude! It's so damn obvious I can't even-"

Alex shakes his head. "I don't know. I'm not risking our friendship, alright? I always think people are interested in me and then it turns out they aren't. I don't want to make things uncomfortable with Willie."

Reggie walks towards him too. Julie's taken a seat behind the keyboard; her face buried in her hands.

"Dude," Reggie starts, staring intensely at him. "I've seen the way he looks at you. He likes you. I think the way you guys almost fucking kissed proves it."

"Maybe I imagined that part of the night," Alex whispers. He knows he didn't imagine it though, he's been thinking about it non-stop since this morning, replaying the scene in his mind like a never-ending movie. But he really, really doesn't want to risk it. The last thing he needs is to misread things with a guy, again, and end up ruining it all. Again.

"Alex, man, listen to me," Luke's grip is still firm on his shoulders, and his eyes are serious and his expression is a little annoyed. "This time, you need to use your brain. Please, just once, use it. Willie. Likes. You."

Alex shakes his head again.

"I'm not risking it. Unless he tells me something explicit, I'm not taking any chances."

Julie groans from her seat. "You're going to make me cry," she chokes out. Alex rolls his eyes.

"Could you please stop being so dramatic? It's not like it matters. Willie and I are just friends, and I'm totally okay with that."

Reggie rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, of course. Can we start practicing now? Before Alex infects us with his dense-ness."

"It's density, Reg," Alex corrects, walking towards the drum kit. "But yeah, let's please stop talking about it."

Luke and Julie look at each other for a long while, and Alex knows they're having a secret conversation. He hates it.

It's late at night, and they've got two weeks left until Christmas break, which means exams are about to start, and Alex's just too stressed to think about his love life right now. Willie doesn't like him and that's it. If he liked him, he wouldn't have backed away right before they kissed. Alex probably made him uncomfortable.

God, his life sucks.

But when the rehearsal is over, he gets a text from Willie, asking him if he'd like to go to the exhibition tomorrow. It's supposed to be a big thing, with a lot of people showing their own art, and it sounds fun. He tells Willie that yes, he'd love to go, and then he starts panicking, so that's why he asks the guys to come with him. Luke has to work, but Reggie and Julie agree. He doesn't tell Willie he's bringing his friends with him though.

That night, Alex's dad calls him.

It's something that barely happens anymore, and Alex is kind of okay with forgetting his dad exists some days, but other days he misses his voice and his stupid jokes and the way his smile reminds him so much of his own, so he picks up. They talk for a while, and surprisingly, it's not uncomfortable at all. They talk about the way his mom always goes crazy this time of the year and his dad asks him if he wants anything specific for Christmas. It's nice. He's missed this. At the end of the call, though, his dad asks him if he has a boyfriend.

Alex feels like he's dreaming, like he's somehow gotten teleported to a different dimension. He stays silent for so long his dad seems to think the call's been disconnected.

"Alex?" His dad's voice sounds a little sheepish.

He clears his throat, trying to sound unbothered.

"Um, no. I'm kind of- I don't know. It's complicated."

"That so, huh? You can- you know. Talk to me about it. If you want to."

And Alex doesn't want to talk about Leo or Willie with his dad, but he can recognize the olive branch his dad is extending at him, shining hopefully, and Alex's not stupid enough to not take it.

So he talks about everything, saving the most embarrassing parts to himself, like the fact that they sneaked into a museum. When he's finally over, his dad hums in understanding, and Alex feels so warm all over. He never thought he would’ve had the chance to talk about boys with his dad from all people, but he realizes it feels good, it feels really really good, and maybe he's grinning like an idiot, but no one's there to see it, so it's okay.

"I do think this boy likes you, Alexander," his dad says when he finishes, and Alex laughs a little.

"Yeah, that's what the guys have told me, but I don't know. I don't want to ruin our friendship, dad, he's really, really cool."

"Are you in love with him?"

"What? God, dad, no! No. But- I don't know. He's just- I've never felt this way about someone before. I really don't know how to describe it."

"I think that's what love is supposed to feel like, son."

And yeah, it's not love, because he's not there yet, but maybe he wants them to be something more than 'just friends.'

Fuck.

He must say that out loud, because his dad's laugh resonates through the phone.

"Think about it, okay? And maybe let yourself go. Let yourself feel. Don't think too much."

"That's easier said than done."

"I know. Just try. Now, I should probably go. It's getting late."

"Yeah," Alex's voice is only a thread. "Yeah. Bye, dad."

"Bye, Alex-"

"Wait!" His words come out as a scream, and he doesn't know why. But there's something stuck on his chest, and he needs to get it out.

"Yes?"

"Um. Does this mean- you're okay? With me being gay?" He's aware that he sounds ridiculously afraid, but he needs confirmation of what he thinks it's happening. He needs to know he's not dreaming.

His dad sighs.

"I don't know, Alex. I want you to know that I love you. And that you'll always be my son, no matter what. I'm sorry if I ever said or did anything to make you doubt that. And I admit that it's not something I liked from the start, but- I've been thinking. And I don't want to lose you. I don't get it, Alexander, I really don't, but I can't lose you. I saw something on the news the other day and-," his dad stops for a second, taking a deep breath. He sounds so damn sincere, and kind of sad, and Alex can feel tears forming in his eyes. Of course he's crying.

"Thank you for being patient with me," his dad continues. "All I needed was some time. I can't promise I'll go to those parade-things or wear one of those ridiculous t-shirts, but I can promise I'll try to be the dad you deserve. I owe you at least that, after everything you've been through since you told us you were, um-"

"Gay, dad. You can say it," Alex urges, his voice shaky.

"Right. Gay. Since you told us you were gay."

Alex lets out another shaky breath. He cleans his eyes with his hands and puts effort into sounding like a human being.

"Thanks, dad. This really means a lot to me."

"Of course."

"And, uh," he's also scared to ask this, but again, he needs to know. "Is mom okay with it too?"

His dad says nothing, and that's enough to know the answer. A little bit of sadness jabs at his heart, but he's had years to deal with this. Now, it doesn't hurt that much.

"I'm sure your mother just needs some time too. Give her that, okay? She'll come around. And if she doesn't- you've got me. You've got your friends, Alex, and god knows they've been a better family for you than us for a long while now. You're lucky you have people like them in your life."

And Alex knows that. Luke and Reggie were there when he ran away after the first few days of stone-cold silence. Julie was the one who got him all of his pink clothes, Julie was the one who convinced him to go to pride for the first time. In a way, he's always had a family.

But this feels good too.

"Okay, dad. Thanks again."

"I'll see you in two weeks, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely."

When Alex hangs up, he feels- static. He laughs at himself and grabs his phone, because he needs to talk to someone about this whole thing.

Willie is the only person that comes to his mind.

The next morning, after he, Reggie and Julie have breakfast together, they walk towards the building where the art exhibition is being held.

"These things are great," Julie tells them. "Art students always do these on their junior year. I have a ton of ideas for what I'm going to do with mine next year."

Alex laughs a little, because Julie is already planning this assignment and Willie only started planning his two days before it was due. He likes the way that Willie seems to live in the moment all the time, never looking further than a couple of hours into the future. He's told Alex he doesn't like stressing or planning things before doing them because it takes away all the fun.

Alex is completely the opposite. But he likes to think they kind of complement each other.

Oh, Jesus, he's thinking like that again. Fuck.

The art building is full of music and people and laughs, and while they walk towards Willie's exhibition, he kind of starts feeling like he's about to die.

Alex hasn't talked to Willie since Thursday, and he's kind of dreading it. Yeah, sure, they talked last night, about Alex's dad and a little about Willie's uncle, (Willie never met his parents, his uncle raised him and they also have a strained relationship he doesn't like talking about,) but they didn't talk about the- um- situation.

So he's decided to ignore it. Just like the mature, smart, twenty-year-old he is.

They find Willie standing beside the door of his exhibition. He's wearing a patterned shirt and some dress pants and his hair is tied into a bun. He looks good.

"Alex, hey!" Willie's face lights up for a second, and then he realizes Reggie and Julie are walking by his sides, and his smile falls a little. "Alex's friends, hey!" He adds.

"I though Alex was 'Julie's friend'," Julie says with a smile.

"Um, no. Now I know Alex better than you so you're officially 'Alex's friend."

"That hurts, man."

Willie looks directly at Alex and offers another smile, bright and confident and beautiful.

"Do you wanna come in?" He asks, nodding towards the room, his eyebrows raised.

"Hell yeah."

Willie opens the door and Alex is kind of amazed. Really amazed.

The place looks completely different compared to what he left on Friday morning. Yeah, it looked good before, but now it's just-

"This is so cool," Reggie mutters, his mouth a little open, taking it all in.

And yeah, it's really, really cool.

The walls are covered in their splashes of color, but Willie's painted the ceiling black and has covered the floor with a black rug too. The hanging drawings move a little with the wind and they surround the sculpture, that stands in the middle of the room, looking like a- well. Alex doesn't know what it looks like, but he likes it. The walls have a couple of paintings too, all with black frames, so they stand out against the colorful walls.

It's colorful and extravagant and abstract and a little messy. And beautiful. Just like Willie.

"This is so good!" Julie grins, walking through the room. "It totally doesn't look like you started two days ago!"

Willie gasps and shoves Alex a little. "I can't believe you exposed me like that!" He complains, but he's smiling, as always.

Alex shrugs. "I didn't mean to-"

"Sorry man, Alex tells us everything," Reggie says with his usual, smug smirk, and Alex wants to punch him. "None of your secrets are safe anymore."

"That's not true!" Alex screeches, shoving Reggie. "I told them I helped you, that's it. You can trust me. Please trust me."

Willie rolls his eyes a little and lays a hand on his shoulder, as he always does when he's trying to calm him down. "Of course I trust you."

"Good," he lets out in a sigh.

Julie and Reggie stare at each other and Alex can tell what they're thinking. He turns his gaze to them and tells them to shut up with his eyes, even if they haven't said anything. Yet.

"If it's even finished it's thanks to Alex," Willie says, taking his hand away from his shoulder. Alex instantly misses his contact. "I couldn't have done this without you, man," he adds, looking him straight in the eyes. He feels himself flushing and tries really hard not to look to stupid.

"You're welcome, Willie. I've told you, I loved helping."

"Then I guess I'll start asking for help more often."

"You definitely should."

Reggie clears his throat. "Do you guys- wanna go see other exhibitions?"

Julie nods. "Yeah, I think we definitely should do that."

"Oh, I can't. I have to wait until my professor comes so I can explain the concept to him and stuff," Willie explains. "It might take a while. But you go ahead and I'll catch up as soon as I can."

Reggie nods. "Alright."

Julie and Reggie start walking towards the door, and Alex doesn't realize he hasn't moved until Julie looks at him.

"Alex? You coming?"

"Um. No, no, I'll stay with Willie for a bit. We'll catch up."

Reggie raises an eyebrow at him, and Alex hates the fact that he doesn't have anything nearby to throw at him.

"O… kay," Julie says. "See you, I guess. C'mon, Reg."

They don't talk about the thing. Willie seems to be real mature and smart too so they talk about other things. It's not uncomfortable at all, and Alex is thankful for that. He ends up standing in one corner of the room when Willie's professor finally comes, and his anxiety rises as Willie walks the teacher through the room, talking about color theory and art techniques and a lot of stuff Alex doesn't understand.

"Good job, William," the professor is standing by the door now, writing something down in a notebook. "I enjoyed your concept. It really reflects your personality. You'll get your grade on Monday at class."

"Thanks, Mr. White."

Willie waits patiently for the professor to leave the room, and then he starts jumping, letting out a little scream.

"He loved it!" He explains when Alex looks at him, confused.

"He seemed kind of neutral to me."

Willie rolls his eyes. He unties his hair and lets it fall around his shoulders. "That's because you don't know him. Believe me, he was static."

Alex smiles a little. He feels proud. He's glad he helped Willie, he's glad that, thanks to him, Willie's happy.

"So our all-nighter was worth it!" Alex lets out, filling his voice with emotion.

Willie throws his head back and screams again.

"I'm so happy I could kiss you!" Willie shouts.

Alex's brain stops functioning. Willie seems to realize what he just meant, because his cheeks go red and his eyes open wide. He clears his throat.

"I mean. I- I- whatever. I'm just thrilled, man."

Alex wants to scream something like 'fucking kiss me, then!' But he doesn't dare to. So he just nods with an uncomfortable chuckle. They both look down to the floor at the same time.

"We should, you know. Go meet with Reggie and Julie. Reggie is a lot to handle, and Julie's not going to be enough to keep him from breaking something."

Willie laughs. "Your friends are weird."

"Yeah," Alex says fondly. "They are."

They spend the rest of the morning visiting other exhibitions, playing around. They joke and Julie and Willie explain some artistic stuff to Alex and Reggie, and they both hum and pretend to understand. There are people presenting drawings and sculptures, like Willie, but some exhibitions are human art or some theatre stuff. There's this room where everything's black and then suddenly bright lights start moving on the floor, and Alex realizes it's actual people covered in neon paint, crawling through the room. He doesn't get it, but Willie seems to love it.

They meet up with Luke for lunch, and Alex's a little scared of what Luke will think of Willie, but they end up getting along surprisingly well, just like he did with Reggie. It's fun, and Alex laughs so hard his stomach hurts. Then, when they're supposed to go rehearse because they'll all be too busy to have band practice tomorrow, Luke -the idiot- asks Willie if he wants to go see the rehearsal.

Alex kicks him under the table, but Luke's smile only gets bigger.

"Oh," Willie says, blinking. "I guess I could. If you guys are cool with that." He stares at Alex when he says that part, and Alex knows he means if he is cool with that.

Willie's never seen them play, and Alex's scared he'll fuck up and embarrass himself, but the idea seems nice. He's seen Willie's art; he's seen Willie skate; now he wants Willie to watch what he can actually do. What he's good at.

"Yeah. You should come."

Having Willie in the rehearsal is great and awful at the same time.

He notices Willie staring at him intensely for the whole two hours. He senses his smile and his shiny eyes and he hears his loud cheers whenever they finish a song or when he screws up. And he screws up a lot.

He's not nervous, not exactly, but there's something about having Willie's eyes on him that makes him lose his focus. Just a little.

"You guys are great!" Willie says when the rehearsal is over. Alex wants to point out that there's nothing great about a rehearsal like that and that Willie should wait to see them in an actual concert, but he'll take the compliment.

"Thanks, dude," Luke smiles at him, grabbing a bottle of water. "I'm glad you didn't get bored. Most people can't handle watching rehearsals."

Willie snorts. "There's nothing boring in here."

Alex can't help but flush.

The next two weeks are crazy. There's assignments and exams and a drum presentation he has to do for his improv class (and he hates it, because he hates improv) and there's homework and angry professors and so damn much anxiety. And there's Willie.

Both of them are really busy, but they always seem to find a way to hang out. Alex finds himself spending a lot of time in Willie's apartment. He lies on Willie's bed, studying for his theory exams while Willie draws like crazy on his desk.

They don't talk much, but they put some music on and they share snacks and sometimes it gets really late and Willie lets him sleep on his couch. It feels good. It feels safe.

Alex also has to practice, a lot, and for some reason, Willie likes watching him. They go to the study rooms and Alex plays and Willie lies on the floor, with his pencils and watercolors and paint brushes or with a theory book.

Alex asks him if the noise doesn't bother him, but Willie just shakes his head and tells him it helps him concentrate.

Alex ends up giving him a couple of ear plugs, because he doesn't want Willie to go deaf. Willie smiles at him and thanks him, and they spend most days like that, both with ear plugs in, Alex playing and Willie drawing.

Having Willie around is part of his routine now, and he doesn't want that to change.

Luke, Reggie and Julie tell him that he's started to spend more time with Willie than with them, but Alex just answers that it's easier. It's not like they all can study at the same time, each one with their own instrument and different things to focus on. While Alex and Reggie are majoring in their instruments, Julie and Luke are majoring in music composition and production, which is a little bit different. And they all have different schedules and ways to study, so when this time of the year comes, they barely see each other.

But Willie is different, because they can work together all the time. Alex likes being with Willie all the time.

They have four days left of class when Alex has a panic attack.

He's been getting better, he really has, and he hasn't had a panic attack in a long while now. But he always stresses way too much in exams, and he totally failed his harmony exam because he was too nervous to hit the right notes and his voice was too shaky and his whole body was trembling and even if he practiced a lot he still fucked up and he doesn't know what to do.

Possibilities run through his mind a thousand miles a minute, dragging him down and making him feel like shit.

He walks towards his room in some kind of haze, knowing what's about to come. His breath hitches and his chest feel tight, like someone is crushing him, and he tries really hard to breathe and relax and remember all of the techniques for avoiding a panic attack he can think of, but none of them seem to work.

He thinks about calling Reggie or Luke or Julie but all of them are busy and Alex doesn't want to bother them, not right now, so he starts running towards his room before he ends up having a breakdown in the middle of the hallway.

Willie is waiting for him, sitting on the floor beside his door.

"Hey, I bought some croissants from the bakery you like," Willie greets, and Alex manages to nod. Words are stuck in his throat.

"Woah," Willie's whole expression changes and he's on his feet in an instant, coming close to him. "Alex, what's wrong?"

He can't speak, se he shakes his head and opens the door to his dorm, aware of the fact he's starting to hyperventilate.

Willie enters beside him, hovering by his side, and Alex doesn't know how to tell him that what he needs right now is space, so he can stop feeling like he's suffocating.

He falls to the floor, because everything's started spinning around, and oh god he can't breathe.

Willie sits beside him, and one of his hands goes to his shoulder, but Alex backs away, hitting his body against the wall on the process.

The thing is, he hasn't told Willie about the whole panic attacks situation. Willie knows he has anxiety, of course he does, but he hasn't told him about the way everything's just too much and his body stops working. He used to get them a lot when he was younger, but now, after getting actual help and learning healthy ways to deal with the whole thing, he barely gets them anymore. But still.

He doesn't want to worry Willie. Panic attacks are ugly and raw and make him so vulnerable. They're really personal, because he loses all control over himself, and there's just crying and hair-pulling and shaky breaths and this disconnection from the world. And he was worried about Willie's reaction to them, but he immediately seems to understand what's going on.

"Alex, what do I do?" Willie's voice is suddenly quiet and calm and yeah, Alex can hear a bit of desperation in it, but it grounds him a little anyway. "I don't- you're having a panic attack, right? I don't know what to do."

He doesn't know how, but he manages to choke out a 'call Julie' because Julie always answers her phone and she's patient and she always knows what to do when he's like this. Willie nods and grabs his phone and everything's just too much again, so he hides his head between his knees and focuses on the way it feels like he's about to die, oh god, he's dying, because he can't breathe and he'll probably fail the class and because Willie's there with him and he doesn't know how to feel about it.

"Can I touch you?" Willie asks, and no, he can't, because if someone touches him right now he's going to lose it even more, so he shakes his head. He hopes Willie understands.

"Okay," Willie continues, unbothered. "Okay, no touching then. Um-" there's a second of silence as Julie keeps giving him instructions through the phone. "I need you to breathe. That's it. Can you do that for me?"

Alex shakes his head again, because no, he fucking can't, but it's not Willie's fault, so he tries. He counts to eight while he inhales and then holds for four but fails and he's hyperventilating again. "Breathe with me, Alex, c'mon."

He doesn't know how much time passes, but Willie's there, breathing with him. Alex can't touch him or see him because he doesn't want to raise his head, but he can feel him, and that's enough. Then Willie asks if he can touch him now, and Alex thinks about it for a second and yeah, he's much calmer. So he nods, and raises his head and Willie is immediately wrapping him in a hug.

His arms feel warm and safe for some reason so he lets out a shaky breath and buries his head in Willie's neck.

"You're okay, Alex," Willie mutters against his hair. "I've got you."

Alex nods a little, and he doesn't care if he comes off as clingy or needy or whatever. The hug feels so damn good and there's no way he's breaking the contact.

Willie seems to understand that, because he shifts a little and leans against the wall, still hugging him. Alex clings to Willie's back, and Willie starts playing with his hair. They don't say anything, but it's okay. He doesn't even realize he freaking falls asleep until Willie shakes him a little.

"Hey," his voice is still sweet and kind and Alex briefly wonders if he's dreaming. His head hurts and anxiety still churns in his stomach, but he's feeling a little better. "Alex. It's like, five p.m. Maybe you should have some lunch."

They're still in the same position. Alex looks up and Willie's face is so close to him, his breathing warm against his skin. Maybe they're on the floor, but Willie's really comfortable, so he just groans and hides in Willie's neck again. Willie chuckles, but his hand starts caressing his hair too, and Alex thinks he could stay like that for the rest of his life.

"We need to study," Willie continues. "And I bought you a croissant, dude. Don't let my croissants down. They want to be eaten." Alex laughs a little, and then it occurs to him that the position they're in must be really uncomfortable to Willie, so he sighs and moves. He rubs his eyes, pressing his hands against his skull, trying to make the headache go away. Willie stands up and comes back with a glass of water and a little pill. Alex really could kiss him right now.

"Thank you," he whispers, realizing how hoarse his voice is.

They sit on Alex's bed and they eat the croissants and Alex struggles to find a way to explain it all to Willie.

"I'm sorry," he says finally. "About the panic attack. I know they can be ugly, so thanks for being there for me."

"Don't apologize. Honestly, Alex, you should never apologize for that kind of stuff. Not to me, not to anyone."

Alex gives him a smile and Willie grins back at him, still eating his croissant.

"But you're okay now, right? Do you need me to do something?"

"Oh, no. Don't worry. I mean, I'm not completely fine, but I'm better now."

Willie nods. "That's good. Do you, um- get those a lot?"

Alex shakes his head. "I used to, when I was younger. I'm better now, though, but college isn't really made for someone with anxiety." Willie hums in understanding.

"Do you... want to tell me what happened? I mean, was it something specific? Or like, everything at once?"

"A little bit of both, actually."

He tells Willie everything, and Willie just nods and listens and passes him another croissant. It's relaxing in some way and Alex has come to the conclusion that talking about it actually helps. At some point, Willie takes his hand, and Alex squeezes it and his heart goes crazy again, but this time is a good kind of crazy.

They spend the rest of the afternoon with their fingers intertwined, even after they finish eating and they start studying for their next exam. They order pizza for dinner and they end up watching a tv show Alex's never heard of but Willie loves, and maybe, just maybe, Alex starts thinking that Willie may like him back.

He's totally okay with what they've got going on right in that moment, though.

His next exam goes great. And the other two also go decent enough, and by Thursday, he's finally free. Luke, Reggie, Julie and him will be heading home on Sunday morning, after the semester is done for all of them. They have a gig on Saturday, and it's supposed to be big and important and Alex is kind of nervous about it because they haven't had a lot of time to practice, but he trusts the band. They're playing songs they've played thousands of times before, and with a little bit of luck everything will go great.

After his final exam he has lunch with Reggie and then he helps Luke with a couple of assigments he obviously left for the last moment, and then he goes to dance group and Willie's there and everything's just- perfect.

After dance group he goes to Willie's apartment and he watches Willie study while he tries to write a song. He's never been one for song-writing, honestly, but there's this melody stuck in his head and the least he can do is try to write it down, as Luke always insists.

Willie stands up suddenly, going to sit on the bed beside him. He rests his head against Alex's shoulder and Alex tries not to scream.

"What are you doing?" Willie asks between a yawn. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks really tired, and Alex is glad Willie only has one exam left.

"Oh, I'm trying to write a song," he explains, looking at the mess of notes and song lyrics and chords. "I'm not really good, though. I'll probably give the idea to Luke and he'll finish writing it for me."

Willie shakes his head. "It's your song, man, you write it."

"It's not that easy," Alex admits. "Lyrics I can do, I guess, but I only know how to play a little guitar and I don't even have one and I don't know."

"Oh! I have a guitar somewhere, wait-"

Alex watches Willie leave the room in a hurry, muttering the word 'guitar' to himself. He chuckles a little, and a couple of minutes later Willie comes back with an old acoustic guitar.

"I knew I had it somewhere. My uncle gave it to me, but I never really learned how to play. Music is not really my thing. I only brought it with me because it reminds me of him."

"That's cute," he teases, and Willie shoves him a little.

Alex tunes the guitar and starts playing with some chords, singing under his breath. Willie just stares, sitting beside him, as if Alex were the most interesting thing in the whole world. The song is simple and sloppy and probably not that good, but he's sure Luke and Julie will fix it. He gets bored and he puts the guitar down, but Willie shakes his head.

"No, you gotta sing it for me! C'mon."

"I don't know... I don't- I don't really sing. I only hit stuff." Alex replies. Wille snorts.

"Dude, I literally just heard you sing for like, an hour. Please," he whines. "Please please please. For me."

And okay, that's all it takes to convince Alex.

He fumbles with the guitar, trying to make it sound good. And he starts singing, and maybe he's a little scared, but Willie looks so interested and thrilled and just happy to see him, and Alex feels his confidence rising. By the middle of the song, Willie leans closer to him, staring at the lyrics he's written down, and starts singing with him.

Willie's voice hits him like a train wreck, because it's so- it's so good. He follows the song as best as he can, stumbling through the lyrics, and Alex likes the way their voices harmonize. He's never done this with someone, and it all feels so intimate and private, kind of like they've entered a different reality, and by the time the song finishes, Alex finds it hard to let go of the last chord.

"It's a really good song," Willie says when Alex finds enough courage to let the sound go. "I love it."

And then he stands up and goes back to his drawing, as if nothing had happened, and Alex wants to scream. 

When he tells Julie what happened, she lets out an anger-filled sigh, and Alex is kind of glad they're talking through a phone call and not in person, because he can perfectly see her smacking him in the shoulder as she always does when she's angry.

"You should've taken the first step, dude! It's so damn obvious that he likes you! Just-" she stops for a second to let out a little scream. "Just kiss him already!"

And yeah, maybe the time has come for Alex to do that. He decides he'll do it that Saturday, before the band's gig, before he goes back home for the holidays, before Willie also leaves for home, before he regrets his decision.

Friday passes ridiculously slowly. He has to go receive his final grades -he passes everything, thank fucking god- and then he goes practice for the gig by himself, because he hasn't played the songs in a little while and because he's anxious about tomorrow and drumming has always been the best way to get rid of all that tension. Then he calls Willie and asks him how his final exam went and they talk for like, an hour.

Then he has band practice for the first time in like, a week, and god he's missed it.

They go through their entire set of seven songs a couple of times, making sure everything sounds the way it should, and then they go have dinner together and Reggie spills water over Luke and Alex and Julie laugh and then Luke throws water at Reggie and then for some reason Reggie throws water at him and they end up being kicked out of the restaurant. But that's how all of their hang-outs usually go, and they leave the place running and laughing while the owner waves a mop angrily in their direction.

Saturday is pretty much the same. He talks to his dad in the morning and it's nice and warm and Alex can't wait to see him and give him a hug. He can't remember the last time he hugged his dad.

Then he has breakfast with Luke on the diner where he works at and he tells him his plan.

"So you'll tell him after sound check," Luke says, drying a glass. "I think it's a good idea. You guys already act like you're dating. I mean, seeing you together is kind of disgusting."

"Shut up."

Luke only laughs.

"Do you ever think about the fact that, if you hadn't lied to Leo, you probably never would've met Willie?"

Alex nods, because yes, he thinks about Luke's question a lot.

And he's never been so happy he told a lie before. Actually, people should start lying more often. Or something like that.

Sometimes the world just knows what it's doing, and sometimes letting go is a good thing. Alex likes to think it was all just meant to happen. The disaster with Leo led to him meeting Willie, and isn't it funny how, sometimes, the things we do can become so much bigger, so much more important?

He doesn't tell Luke that, though, because he'd never hear the end of it.

Their gig starts at seven p.m., and their soundcheck is at six. Alex takes the longest shower ever, practicing the way he's going to tell Willie that he likes him, and that he wants to be more than friends. The water's turned cold by the time he actually feels like he's ready.

He gets dressed and then Reggie is knocking at his door, so they can go to the venue together. Julie and Luke are supposed to meet them there.

"Are you nervous?" Reggie asks him when he sees him fidgeting with his drum sticks.

Alex shrugs.

"I'm always nervous."

Reggie lays a hand on his shoulder. His smile is pure and intense and it calms Alex down a little. "Relax, man. I promise everything will go great."

"Yeah. Thanks, Reg."

Sound check goes great. The guys working at the venue are nice and let them take every decision regarding their sound. The place is quite big, especially because there'll be a lot of other bands, but there's always something special about opening a gig. There's a shiny Christmas tree in the corner of the backstage, and lights and decorations and Alex remembers it's almost Christmas. He had totally forgotten.

And then Willie's there, knocking on the backstage door, with a smile and a crop top and Alex's heart starts screaming at him to do something. They talk for a little, trying to drown out the noise coming from the other side of the room, where the stage and the audience are.

Then one guy comes and tells them that they're supposed to be on stage in five minutes, and Alex knows that it's now or never. He looks at the guys and Julie and they nod and subtly move to the other side of the backstage, leaving them alone.

Willie speaks first, though.

"Um, before you go on stage," he starts. "I got you something. You know, for Christmas."

"You... did?" He mutters, his voice shaky and high-pitched because he doesn't know how to react. Willie giggles and nods.

"Yeah. Um, here," Willie's hands go to his pockets and he brings out a little pink box. "Open it."

Alex feels like he's about to start crying, because he loves gifts and everything they represent and the fact that Willie saw something and thought of him. He opens the box with shaky fingers and stares at a little pendant. It's golden and beautiful and it's shaped like a drum kit. Alex stares at it and then at Willie and then again at the pendant and ohgodhecan'tthink.

"It's beautiful," he whispers. "Willie, I-"

"I noticed you always use that gold chain. Maybe you could put it on it," Willie's smile is the biggest he's ever seen, and Alex wants to kiss him. So bad.

So he advances towards him, forgetting all the words he practiced and trying to find new ones but then Willie takes a step back and his heart falls shattered to his stomach.

His sadness mixes with confusion and anger and he wants to know why Willie doesn't want to kiss him.

"Why do you always back away?" his voice comes out more disappointed than angry but he doesn't care.

Willie blinks, seeming a little shocked.

"I'm giving you space, dude," he states, as if it were obvious. "You know, I gave you the note and then you never said something about it so I figured-"

"What- what note?"

"Yo, Alex, we're going in now!"

Alex looks at Luke and then at Willie and then at the stage and then at Willie again because something's not adding up. He shakes his head a little.

"Willie, what note?" His voice is a little desperate, but he really doesn't know what Willie's talking about.

Willie rolls his eyes, looking towards the stage too. Julie, Reggie and Luke are standing beside it, ready to play, holding their instruments. Reggie shakes his drumsticks in his direction, hurrying him. Alex raises his hand, trying to ask them for five more seconds.

"You know," Willie continues. "That Saturday, after your, um, thing with Leo. You came over and I gave you a drawing and I wrote something on it. You never answered so I guessed you weren't interested and then I thought you were, but that maybe you needed some time, so I've trying really hard to give you space and- you didn't- you didn't read it?"

"Alex!" Julie shouts at him.

Alex wants to die, because he just needs some time to think but there's too much noise and too much pressure and too many things going on at once. What note is Willie talking about?

Oh.

Oh.

The memory hits him like a fucking truck, and he remembers the drawing of a cool dog sitting behind a drum kit and the way Willie wrote something on it and folded it before giving it to him. He remembers putting the drawing in his jacket pocket and then remembers going to the museum and then home and he totally forgot about it. He didn't even think to read whatever Willie had written on the piece of paper.

"I didn't- Willie, I didn't know. I figured- I thought- so you like me? Wait, do you-?"

"And now, to open the night!" An ominous voice says through the speakers, and Alex's blood goes so damn cold. "Please welcome on stage: Julie and the Phantoms!"

"Alex now!" Luke's words are desperate and he knows he has to leave. Now.

"We'll talk about this, okay?" He squeaks, running towards the stage. "Willie, we'll talk. Please. Please wait until the gig finishes, I-"

"It's okay, Alex. Go." Willie's voice is kind of flat but he's smiling a little, and Alex wants do die. Willie seems to see the state he's in, because he nods slowly. "We'll talk about it. Now go!"

"Alex!"

Alex doesn't know who screams his name. He doesn't know how he gets on the stage or when Reggie gives him his drum sticks or how he sits behind the drum kit and counts to four. There's clapping and cheers and music and Alex tries his best to keep his mind on his drumming and the band and the songs but his eyes keep scanning the crowd, and Willie's not there. He was supposed to be there, and they were supposed to talk, but once their seven-songs limit is up and he gets off the stage, Willie's nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck," he mutters, when he's finished looking for Willie in the back of the stage. "Fuck fuck, fuck, he continues, trying to spot his long hair between the crowd. But no, Willie's gone, and Alex wants to cry. Stupid fucking note.

No, actually, stupid fucking him, who didn't think of reading it.

"Dude, what was all that about?" Reggie's suddenly touching him to get his attention and Alex jumps a little. Julie and Luke are standing beside him, the three of them looking kind of worried. "How did things go with Willie?"

"He left," he chokes out. "I don't know why, I should've-" and then he checks his phone, because he's an idiot and he didn't check it earlier, and of course he has a text from Willie.

Sorry I couldn't tell you while we were talking, but something came up with my uncle and I need to be home tonight. My bus leaves in a while and I came to say goodbye. I promise we'll talk when we get back from Christmas break. Please don't freak out.

Of course he's freaking out.

He presses the call button but Willie's phone is off and it sends him straight to voice mail. Jesus fucking Christ.

"I need to find the note." It's the only thing he can think about, and he leaves the venue, running. He doesn't care that he's sweaty and that he's tired and that he leaves his friends hanging there, he just needs to find the damn note.

Julie, Reggie and Luke run after him, though, guitars and bass included.

"What are you talking about, Alex?" Julie asks, struggling to keep up with him. Alex sighs and tries to slow down. They've left the venue and it's kind of late and the night is a little cold. He explains the whole situation to his friends as best as he can while they walk towards his dorm room.

"That's harsh, dude," Reggie says when he finishes. Alex groans a little and Luke slaps him in the shoulder.

"I know, I know. I'm an idiot. But I need to find the note."

They all go to his room and Alex immediately starts rummaging through his closet, throwing everything to the floor.

"Help me find it!" He screams at the guys when he realizes they're all standing there, doing nothing. Reggie, Luke and Julie flinch a little but they all nod and start raking through his clothes too.

"What are we looking for?" Reggie asks sheepishly, holding a pair of pants.

"The note! It was- um- in one of my jacket pockets."

"What jacket where you wearing?" Julie mutters, picking one of his pink hoodies up. Alex shakes his head.

"I can't fucking remember."

"Good thing you hate doing your laundry, then," Luke says, offering him a little smile.

The four of them check all of his pockets, looking for the little piece of paper that could've changed it all weeks ago. God.

Luke's the one who finds it, and Alex almost rips it out of his hands.

"Here!" Luke screams suddenly, holding the drawing high. Alex runs towards him and takes it in his hands. His stomach is tied in knots and his heart is beating so fast Alex feels like it's about to explode. He opens it and reads it.

The memories of that night hit him hard, and Alex vaguely remembers Willie's words after he told him he just wasn't made for love.

"I should've known," he had told Willie. "No one ever- I'm not made for this. For love."

Willie had patted his back with his ever-present smile. "None of us are. Some of us are just lucky enough to find it."

Maybe we could be each other's good luck, it says.

God.

"What does it say?" Julie urges, trying to look over his shoulder. Alex hands her the drawing and Luke and Reggie hover over her, trying to read it.

Alex lies down in his bed, trying to think.

"I'm such an idiot."

The guys sit by his sides. He covers his face with his hands, because yeah, they'll get to talk, but it'll be almost three weeks until they get to see each other again, and Alex needs to talk to him. In person. Right now.

"You didn't know, man," Luke's laying down by his side, their arms touching. "It explains it all. But this is good, right? It means you like each other. Like, you know that for sure now, and you like knowing things for sure."

"Luke's right!" Reggie adds. "You'll get to talk and then he'll be your boyfriend!"

"It's not like you can't talk on the phone," Julie continues, and Alex briefly wonders if they've rehearsed this speech before. "Maybe you can do a video call or something."

Alex shakes his head. "I don't want to discuss this over the phone," he explains. "I need to do this in person. But what if we come back and he doesn't like me anymore? Like, what if he realizes how fucking stupid I am and he moves on? Oh god, what if he meets someone else?"

"C'mon, Alex," Julie tries to reason with him. "You know that's not going to happen. It's just your anxiety speaking."

"I know that, Jules, but it's still so damn long, and-"

"Wait!" Luke stands up suddenly, and Alex takes his hands away from his face just to properly see him.

Luke draws one of his confident, knowing smiles, his expression daring, and Alex knows what's coming.

"I've got a plan.”

The plan is stupid.

But their plans are always stupid, so it's okay.

Alex barely sleeps, thinking about what he's going to say and what he's going to do. He's thought about this before, yeah, but this time it feels different. This time, he's not going to let anything stop him.

The next morning, they pack up Reggie's beat-up van with instruments and suitcases and amps and Christmas gifts. The college is not really far from their homes, but it's still a three-hour trip with Reggie and Luke on it, so it's always stressful. Especially with the hours they're planning to add to it.

In their way out, they stop by Willie's apartment.

Reggie's driving and Julie and Luke are sitting on the backseat of the van. Alex gets out of the car and walks towards the apartment building, dread swirling in his stomach. One of Willie's roommates opens the door, his hair disheveled and looking like he just woke up.

"Oh. Hey, Alex," he greets, stifling a yawn. "Willie left for home last night, man, sorry."

"I know, Ben, it's just that- okay, this is going to sound weird, but I need you to tell me where he lives. Like, the exact address. Please."

Ben doesn't seem to think it's weird at all, because he writes down the address in Alex's phone with a little smile.

"You planning on visiting for the holidays?" He asks between a smirk, and Alex feels himself flushing a little.

"Yeah, something like that."

He says goodbye to Ben with a grateful smile and climbs back on the van.

"Did you get the address?" Reggie asks, and Alex nods with a smile.

Julie cheers from the backseat. "Alex's first non-failed attempt at a love life, here we go!"

Willie lives four hours away from the college, but the trip is full of singing and eating and laughing so it's okay. They listen to cheesy Christmas carols and then they stop in a gas station and Reggie buys a reindeer plushy. They're minutes away from Willie's house when Alex starts freaking out.

"What if he's not home?" He mutters. Reggie sighs.

"He'll be home, dude. And if he's not we'll just wait for him to come home, okay? Don't worry."

Alex only dared to text back a little 'of course' in response to Willie's text, and of course he hasn't told him about their stupid plan, because it's supposed to be a surprise.

Reggie stops in front of a big, white house thirty minutes later.

"You sure this is it?"

Luke whistles a little. "That's a nice house," he says, and Alex nods. Willie's uncle is pretty rich but he's also distant and cold and kind of creepy and Alex doesn't have time to think about this right now. He has to do it.

"Go get 'em, tiger," Julie smiles.

He walks towards the door of the house with his pulse going crazy, his hands fidgeting and sweating and his whole body vibrating with excitement. He rings the doorbell.

Then he counts to three. Then to ten. Fifteen, twenty-seven, thirty-eight, forty-two, he rings the doorbell again.

He's reached the number fifty-six when Willie opens the door.

"Alex?" Willie's eyes open with surprise, his mouth opening a little. He's wearing shorts and a sweatshirt and his hair is tied into a pony tail and Alex wants to kiss him so freaking bad. "How did you- why- what the hell are you doing here?"

"You are."

His words don't make any sense and Alex's aware of that, but his brain is a mess right now and he never makes sense when he's nervous.

"Huh?" Willie mutters. Alex clears his throat and tries to remember the words he's been repeating in his mind for the last four hours.

"I mean- um- you are. We are. We can."

Willie starts laughing, and his joy is contagious and he ends up laughing too.

"I think I know what you mean," Willie says. He advances towards him, and Alex's pulse goes crazy. "But go on."

"Willie, I'm so sorry I didn't read the note. I swear I forgot to read what you wrote on the drawing. And thank you," he's speaking way too fast but he's speaking coherently now, and at least that's something. "For being so- damn great. I just want you to know that, um, that you are. You are my good luck."

Willie laughs again and before Alex can react, he's kissing him.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.

Willie's kissing him.

Alex kisses back, feeling his whole body relaxing. Willie puts his arms around his neck and Alex realizes he has to stand on his tip toes to kiss him and he's never loved being tall so much. The kiss is long and sweet and everything he's ever wanted.

They break apart in what seems like an eternity later. Willie's smiling and Alex's smiling and yeah, lying to Leo was totally worth it.

"You're my good luck too, Alex."

And then they're kissing again.

He hears cheering and screaming and he breaks apart from the kiss and turns around towards the noise. Reggie, Luke and Julie have taken their heads out of the van's windows and they're cheering and wolf-whistling and clapping and Alex wants to die. The only thing he can do, though, is blush even more and laugh and hide his face in Willie's neck.

Willie laughs too, and surrounds him with his arms.

"Your friends are weird," he whispers against his hair. Alex nods.

"Yeah, they are."

They hug for a little longer and then Alex realizes he has to get going. Life hates him after all.

"So," he starts, stepping back a little so he can look at Willie in the eyes. Willie grabs his hand and Alex intertwines their fingers and everything's so damn perfect. "Do you want to- um- maybe be my boyfriend? I can be your Christmas gift. You know, since I didn't get you anything."

Willie lets out a big laugh, throwing his head back, his whole body shaking.

"Of course I want to maybe be your boyfriend. I think it's a nice Christmas gift."

Alex nods slowly, because he doesn't know what else to do.

"Good. Yeah, good, that's- great. Awesome."

Willie rolls his eyes fondly.

"Come here, you idiot."

And then they're kissing again. And again, and again and again, until Reggie honks at them, because yeah, they're supposed to be home soon.

"I'm so sorry, Willie, I- I have to go."

Willie sighs. "Yeah, I figured as much. Thank you, Alex, for doing all this for me."

"I'd do anything for you."

They say goodbye with another kiss, and if Alex collides with a pilar from Willie's porch when he's trying to get back to the van, it's only because he can't think straight now that he has a boyfriend. Willie laughs when he hits the pilar and Alex laughs too and he waves at him while Reggie starts the car and drives away.

He stares at Willie until Reggie turns on a street and his house disappears from his sight, but keeps on looking at what used to be Willie's silhouette for a long time, until he realizes something.

"Oh god," he gasps. "Did I really just say 'I can be your Christmas gift'?

The guys laugh so hard it's almost deafening.

"Yeah, dude, you totally just did."

Jesus fucking Christ.