Chapter Text
He wasn’t supposed to die.
Things weren’t supposed to be like this.
Kyousuke gripped onto the hat he held against his chest, head lowered with his eyes shut tight as he stood in front of his best friend’s grave.
“Everything will be okay, Ishikawa-kun.”
“You’ll be okay.”
Burning tears slipped down his cheek, mixing with the light rain that was falling from the clouded sky above him.
He had really, truly believed those words. Even when Ishikawa’s illness had gotten worse Kyousuke always believed his friend would come out on the other side stronger and maybe even a tad more humble.
But fate had different plans, no matter how much Kyousuke had hoped for the best.
“Kyousuke-san…”
His friend’s weak, yet lighthearted tone indicated that he knew what was coming and had accepted it. Even if Kyousuke was hopelessly optimistic, Ishikawa knew death was on his doorstep. However, being who he was, he delayed answering that door as long as he could - just to spite the one taking him down.
“Remember...” The poet started to say, only to be interrupted by a brief coughing fit. He brought a cloth up to cover his mouth, his feeble form shaking from the effort as it ran its course.
Kyousuke knelt beside his friend’s bedside, moving a hand to rest reassuringly on his friend’s shoulder. He hated seeing Ishikawa like this. How frail his body had gotten, the pained expression that contorted his face whenever a cough wracked his frame...his illness was eating away at him every minute, sucking his youth away with each shuddering hack.
It took a few moments, however, Ishikawa eventually regained his breath. He wiped his mouth before folding the cloth in on itself and placing it aside as if he were merely being polite. Kyousuke didn’t need to see to know what his friend had coughed up, though.
How much blood...
“What was I saying…?” The silver-haired poet questioned himself, before looking over at Kindaichi. “Ah, that's right! Kyousuke-san, do you remember...what I told you?”
Kyousuke met his friend’s gaze, doing his best to remain optimistic through all this. If he believed it enough, then Ishikawa would too. Everything would work out, just like things always had.
“What you told me..? When?” He questioned back, tilting his head slightly to the side as he removed his hand from the other’s shoulder. Ishikawa had told him plenty of things before, after all.
“After you helped me pay my rent...the very first time,” Ishikawa pointed out as he looked over towards the window, a playful smile tugging at the edge of his chapped lips. He seemed to be recalling the memory himself.
‘Kyousuke-san...even if I die…’
“Oh...yes, of course I remember,” Kyousuke swallowed hard as a lump formed in his throat, the memory clear in his mind. How could it not be? It had surprised him, seeing tears in his friend’s eyes like that. Hearing him say such genuine words of gratitude...a side of his genius friend that only appeared on very rare occasions.
But why was he bringing that memory up now?
“Ishikawa-kun…” Kyousuke began to say, wanting to change the subject to something else - anything else. His ill friend had other plans though.
“I’m glad you remember,” Ishikawa interjected, turning his eyes away from the window and back on the professor. His sand-colored hues held a certain glow as he met Kyousuke’s gaze, though the light that once shined within them had begun to fade. “If you only remember one thing I’ve told you...I want it to be that.”
Kyousuke could feel his heart pound anxiously in his chest. Why was he bringing that promise up now, of all times?
“I have many memories with you, Ishikawa-kun...and I intend to have many more.” He spoke with a steadfast resolve - his voice unwavering, though he felt as if he might break at any moment. "So please don't act like there's nothing more to look forward to…"
Ishikawa’s smile didn’t fade. He let out a soft laugh before nodding. “Thank you, Kyousuke-san…” The silver-haired poet seemed to have grown more fatigued after that coughing fit. And so, he lowered himself back down onto his pillow and closed his eyes. “I really...truly...appreciate everything you’ve done for me...”
Kyousuke’s hands balled into nervous fists on his lap at his friend’s weak words. His eyes stung, tears threatening to form before he reached for a cool cloth to place on his friend's forehead.
He sounded so defeated...even if he had a smile on his face. The Ishikawa he knew - that stubborn genius who blew money like it was nothing and only ever seemed to care about poetic words and instant gratification...was no longer here.
As he gazed at his exhausted friend, that memory he spoke of earlier played through his mind.
‘Even if I die...I will never let anything bad happen to you.’
Kyousuke’s legs felt weak. Despite the fact the ground was wet with rain, he lowered himself down into a crouch as he clutched his hat tighter against his chest.
His heart ached, the pain almost unbearable. He felt so guilty. Even if there was nothing more that could have been done to save Ishikawa, he really believed he could protect him and keep him safe.
All his words...everything he told him...ended up being lies. False promises.
Kyousuke really had believed the advance payment on his work would be the difference needed to save him…
...But in the end, it hadn’t made a difference at all.
“Ishikawa-kun…”
Kyousuke’s voice was raspy. Weak from misuse. He hadn’t been to work now in nearly a week. His friends were concerned for his well-being more than any of them had been for Ishikawa. And yet...they all felt his absence after he passed away.
His 'funeral’ had been a small one if you can even call it that. It was unofficial - more of a chance to pay respects than a full ceremony. He had died a broke man, and the family he had left were all too far away to attend. However, it did gather a larger crowd than Kyousuke expected.
Wakayama - their most elusive friend, had returned from his travels as soon as he heard Ishikawa’s condition had worsened. He stayed by Ishikawa’s side while Kyousuke had work and cared for his friend up until his final moments. He had helped Kyousuke plan the small ceremony in Ishikawa’s memory.
Nomura, Hagiwara, Yoshii, Hirai, and Akutagawa also attended. While they each had their own reservations about how Ishikawa conducted himself, there was no doubt they all felt a deep loss brought about by his absence.
Besides their immediate friend group, others around town had stopped by to pay respects...Kyousuke recognized a few, namely those Ishikawa had helped with the cases he had taken on before his health declined further.
Knowing that Ishikawa had a positive impact on those people’s lives made Kyousuke miss his friend even more. He hoped that wherever Ishikawa was, that he saw each and every person who stopped by that day.
That he knew how much his actions had made a difference.
Kyousuke let out a shuddery breath, bringing a hand up to wipe away the tears blurring his vision. The Gentian flowers he had left on his friend’s grave a few days ago were still healthy. He hoped all this rain wouldn’t be too much for them.
Since he had gotten more of a hold over himself, Kyousuke reached into his pocket and pulled out an offering.
“I’m sorry...it isn’t much today,” Kyousuke said, placing the wrapped onigiri before the grave. “I’m heading back to work next week though, so I should be able to bring you something better then.”
He tried to smile, tried to picture the way Ishikawa’s face lit up whenever he offered to buy him dinner...tried to imagine what teasing remark his friend would have come up with to tell him he could do better...
Kyousuke didn’t want to forget anything about his friend. He knew it was only a matter of time, though. Soon the memories that seemed so fresh now would start to fade until it would be hard to pinpoint exactly how his voice sounded when he called his name…
“Kyousuke-san!”
He smiled weakly as his friend’s voice rang through his mind. He wanted to cling to that memory as long as he could.
Kyousuke remained before the gravesite a few minutes more, before reaching for the offering to clean it up. He slowly eased himself upright, his muscles aching from the effort. They were already rather sore with the weather as it was.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ishikawa-kun,” he told the other, even if he may not be there to hear him. “I hope you’ll have a new tanka to share.” He placed his hat back onto his head, not that it did much with how wet his hair had already gotten.
Kyousuke then turned to walk out of the cemetery. As heavy as his guilt felt whenever he visited Ishikawa, it was the only part of the day he genuinely looked forward to.
Days and weeks passed. Kyousuke never failed to visit his friend’s resting place each evening. He had returned to work - though, even if he had resumed teaching, life never felt quite the same.
There was a part of Kyousuke’s soul that was missing.
The part he had reserved for Ishikawa.
He didn’t cry as often now...however, there were still days when the smallest action made him recall a memory that brought that stinging pain back to the forefront of his mind.
Because of this, he had stopped visiting the Milk Hall. That place was one of many where his memories of Ishikawa were too strong to suppress. He didn’t want to bring down the mood of his friends by having an episode of grief during their time of leisure.
That didn't stop his friends from checking up on him, though. Kyousuke was certain they had come up with some kind of schedule for doing so.
Wakayama had left town not that long ago, but in the week's following Ishikawa's death he had visited Kyousuke's room every now and then.
Yoshii and Hagiwara always seemed to be out and about during the time he would be heading home from work or the cemetery – he had bumped into them more than a few times.
Nomura managed to convince Kyousuke to leave the house when he had exceptionally bad days. It helped distract him a bit, too. Hirai was probably the one who informed him whenever he was particularly down...the young male checking up on him whenever he had a chance.
Kyousuke was very lucky to have the friends he did. Even if they hadn't particularly liked Ishikawa...they always supported Kyousuke's friendship with him. They seemed to understand that the connection they shared was special. Though...as the weeks passed, it became clear that they were worried his grieving hadn’t changed for the better.
"Knock, knock!"
The sudden words made Kindaichi jolt awake, lifting his head up from where it rested against his arms on his desk.
"Ah- o-one moment please…!" Kyousuke exclaimed, straightening his glasses before gathering up the student papers that were currently strewn across his desk.
He did his best to make things look as presentable as possible, placing the pile of papers in one corner before taking in a breath and letting out a small sigh to pull himself together.
"...Come in."
The sound of the door sliding open was heard before footsteps followed, Kyousuke looking over his shoulder to see Nomura observing his surroundings as he entered his room.
"It looks better in here than the last time I stopped by," he said, his eyes moving down to meet Kyousuke's gaze with a warm smile on his face. "Though you look like you just woke up. Is this a bad time?"
Kyousuke shook his head quickly, moving to stand up. His muscles ached from having slept in such a poor position at his desk, placing a hand on his back as he managed to stand. "Not at all...I just dozed off, it seems…"
Nomura placed a hand on Kindaichi's shoulder, his firm grip grounding Kyousuke a bit more as he met his friend’s gaze. “Good. Sleep is important. Though you should really sleep on your futon, otherwise you’ll kill your back.” He patted his friend's back with his free hand before letting go of him. “We aren’t as young as we used to be!”
Kyousuke smiled weakly, nodding at his friend’s words. “I know. I’ll sleep better tonight…” he said, before glancing out the window. He hadn’t realized just how much time had passed. The sun had nearly set!
Kindaichi reached into his pocket, pulling out his watch to see that it was well past 6 pm. “Oh no…!” He placed it back before grabbing his hat in a hurry, placing it on his head. “I’m sorry, Nomura-san...time slipped away from me.”
Nomura’s smile faded a bit at the professor’s words. “Oh, do you have somewhere to be?”
Kyousuke nodded, sliding open his door. “I haven’t visited Ishikawa-kun yet today…”
“Aha...I was planning on a walk after this anyway. Mind if I join you?” He asked, walking out of the doorway so Kyousuke could close the door.
Kindaichi usually preferred to visit his late friend on his own, however, he didn't want to turn Nomura down when he was only looking out for him.
"Oh, no, that's fine," he replied, sliding the door shut before leading the way out of the boarding house. The building itself seemed so much quieter now.
The two friends walked beside each other, heading down the hill that would lead them towards the cemetery on the outskirts of the city. Despite the sun setting, the weather was still relatively warm. The summer season was starting, which meant rainy days would become more common. Luckily the sky was clear this evening.
"How has work been?" Nomura spoke up, the simple small talk interrupting the silence that had fallen between them.
"Ah... it's been busy," Kyousuke replied, his eyes down on the path before them. "For the better, really."
Work was an escape. A distraction from the memories that haunted him when he was alone. He found himself seeking more work than was required of him whenever possible.
Perhaps that was why he had dozed off so easily earlier…
"We all figured as much since you haven't stopped by for a glass of milk in a while," Nomura stated. "You better not be overworking yourself." He added, nudging his friend gently in the side.
Kyousuke rubbed the spot Nomura nudged, smiling weakly as he looked at him. "I'm sorry. I do miss everyone…" he said. However, the one he missed most wouldn't be there...which was the one thing he didn't want to acknowledge. "You all seem to be doing well though. Even if I haven't stopped by, I've seen each of you elsewhere…"
Nomura smiled softly at Kyousuke's words. "We care about you, you know. Just because he's gone…that doesn't mean you're alone." He patted Kyousuke's back gently, "We're here if you need us. Don't ever feel unwelcome or afraid to stop by."
Kyousuke swallowed a small lump in his throat, feeling guilty for avoiding his friends at their usual hangout place. He nodded slightly, "I know...I really appreciate all of you. I just...feel like it's too soon. Sorry..."
Too soon...it had already been a couple of months. Even Kyousuke knew how ridiculous that sounded. He shouldn't be so afraid of acknowledging Ishikawa's absence. But...he wanted to keep at least one place's memories with him fresh in his mind.
"You don't have to apologize," Nomura said, patting his back again. "You lost someone close to you. Take as much time as you need. Just know that we'll all be there when you do feel like stopping by."
Kyousuke felt some of his guilt dissipate at his friend's reassuring words. He looked over at him with a smile. "Thank you, Nomura-kun…"
His friend smiled back at him, nodding in response. Silence once again resumed as they continued their walk, however, it was more comfortable this time.
Before they made it to the cemetery, Kyousuke spoke up as they neared a shop. "I need to pick something up for dinner – would you like anything?" He asked, only for Nomura to shake his head.
"No thanks, I already ate," he answered, before adding, "Make sure you get something for yourself too, alright?"
Ah...was it that obvious? Probably. Kyousuke smiled apologetically, nodding before walking into the store to see what he could find.
Kyousuke and Nomura stood before Ishikawa’s grave. Kindaichi had his head lowered, staying quiet as he said his usual words in his mind instead of out loud. The last thing he needed was for Nomura to hear him speaking with his late friend. He probably already worried about his well-being enough.
‘Good evening, Ishikawa-kun...I’m sorry I’m late today. I dozed off while working…but Nomura-kun is here now, too ,’ he thought, hoping his friend would understand. If he were listening, he’d probably make a comment that dozing off while working was more something he’d do. He smiled slightly to himself before crouching down to place the dinner he had picked up - a meat bun. It wasn’t as fresh, since it had gotten late. However, it would do. He had bought another which he kept in his pocket, to eat once he got home.
‘Here you go...I hope you’ve been doing well.’
Kyousuke could feel Nomura’s eyes on him as he tried to mentally converse with Ishikawa. Even if he couldn’t see, it was clear he was watching his every move. He tried his best to hold himself together, his eyes on his dear friend’s grave as he tried to keep his mind blank. Blank enough that he could get through this without breaking down.
He said a quick prayer and goodbye before cleaning up the offering and standing back up, looking at Nomura. “Thank you for coming along.”
Nomura nodded, his hands in his pockets. “Of course. I was due for a visit - next time I’ll bring a drink along for him to go with dinner,” he stated with a small smile, clapping a hand on Kyousuke’s shoulder. “Did you want to stay longer?” He asked, just to make sure Kyousuke had done what he needed to.
Kyousuke looked back over at the gravesite, hesitating a moment before shaking his head and looking back at his friend. “No, I’m good. It’s getting late…” he said, not wanting to keep Nomura out long. His words about bringing along a drink surprised Kyousuke since it was something he hadn’t really considered doing. “A drink...he would like that.”
Nomura smiled, “Yeah, he would. Don’t pressure yourself to do anything more, though. You spoil him, even now.” He pointed out in a lighthearted way, turning to start their walk out of the cemetery. “C’mon, you have your own dinner to eat.”
Kyousuke nodded slightly, following after his friend before hearing a faint sound that made him pause. The professor turned to look back towards the gravesite, his eyes scanning over it - had he imagined that noise?
“Kyousuke-kun?” Nomura’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, making him shake his head a little before turning back to continue following him.
“Sorry. I’m coming,” he replied, catching up to his friend and continuing on down the path with him.
What he hadn’t noticed was something moving out from behind the grave after he walked away.