Chapter Text
The next morning is painfully awkward.
At least, for Shuichi it is. Gonta seems just fine, albeit a little more stiff than usual. Every time they do much as brush hands, Shuichi has to stop himself from flinching. Gonta hands him a cup of coffee—of course it’s just how Shuichi likes it—and gives him that sunshine smile, but all it does is make Shuichi’s stomach churn with a mix of guilt and nerves. He’s still just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s only made worse by the fact that it’s been storming all morning. The rain falls heavy across the windows, the shutters rattling as high winds hit the beach house. Shuichi can’t be sure whether or not his non-stop trembling is from his fear of the storm or his fear of rejection. He sits in the very center of the kitchen with his coffee, sipping it every so often. Everyone’s too groggy this morning to talk to him.
Everyone except Gonta, that is. “Shuichi feeling okay?” he asks quietly, and Shuichi just nods, still staring into his coffee. He doesn’t want to make Gonta worry; he doesn’t really deserve that, does he? Gonta leans into his side just slightly, smiling. “Is okay if you scared, just know Gonta here to protect you.”
“Thanks,” he says, voice just as shaky as his hands, and Gonta smiles, brushing Shuichi’s hair from his eyes. Today is going to be the death of him. Shuichi just sips some more coffee, and if his hair falls back in his face, he’s not about to fix it. Sen comes into the room and stops once she sees him, crossing her arms. Shuichi looks up from his coffee. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You’re being weird,” is all she says before heading over to the fridge, presumably to either get something to eat or make something for all of them to eat. Shuichi just slumps down in his seat a little more, tapping his fingers on his mug. Sen clicks her tongue as she shakes a jug of orange juice. “Seriously, man. What’s up?”
Shuichi just shakes his head. Sen’s not usually one to tease, but he really doesn’t feel like telling her his mood is completely the storm’s fault. He’s had enough of lying to the people he cares about. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, and Sen looks between him and Gonta, an eyebrow raised. Shuichi gives a slight shake of his head again, and Sen then tilts her head towards the window. He just shrugs. “I’ll be just fine.”
He doesn’t want to talk about it. He shouldn’t talk about it. He should just be grateful that Gonta had given him an out and leave it at that. Shuichi doesn’t want to do anything else. What else is there to do about this? Gonta puts a hand over his and gently pries his fingers from around the coffee mug, caressing the back of Shuichi’s hand with his thumb.
Shuichi feels his chest fill with warmth, and he hates it. “Shuichi, you not have to talk about it if you not want to, but...if you do,” he says, trailing off, and Shuichi nods. He tries to give Gonta a smile, but he’s pretty sure it comes off as more of a grimace. The thunder outside claps, and Shuichi jumps, heart pounding. Gonta puts his free arm around Shuichi’s shoulders and pulls him closer, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Is okay, Gonta not let anything happen to you, he promise.”
Shuichi’s never been more grateful for thunder.
A bit later, Ma decides they should all play a rainy-day game, and Shuichi opts to sit out, instead watching as Seiko and Saki draft Gonta for their Scrabble team. He nurses at his second cup of coffee of the day as Gonta plays a clean ‘diurnal’ for a triple word score, much to Aya and Pa’s chagrin. The girls, although they probably have no clue what the word means—not even Shuichi does, after all—cheer loudly and tackle Gonta in a hug pile.
This is nice. It’ll be less nice, of course, when Shuichi comes home for the summer with no boyfriend in tow. Which, he realizes, especially sucks because he’ll be leaving Gonta with his awful parents. Maybe he could convince Gonta to keep up appearances during holidays, just to keep him out of that lonely place. No. No, that would be out of line. Totally not okay, completely selfish, what is he even thinking?
Shuichi desperately wishes he were still wearing Gonta’s hoodie. It smells just like him, and it’s almost as warm. But they’d already packed their stuff, given that their train back is a little later this evening, and Shuichi hadn’t wanted to inadvertently steal something of Gonta’s again. He’ll just have to settle for his own less warm, non-meadow-smelling sweatshirt.
“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Aya grumbles as Gonta plays another scientific term that Shuichi’s not entirely sure any of them are capable of pronouncing. Gonta looks back at Shuichi with a huge smile on his face, and Shuichi gives him a shaky grin in return. The only effect it has is dampening the sunshiney expression on Gonta’s face. Neither Aya nor Pa seem to note anything about the exchange, though. “Ugh, there’s no way we win at this rate.”
Shuichi glances over towards the windows; it looks like the rain has stopped for a bit. At least there’s that, if nothing else. And, honestly, he should probably stop moping and treasure this last day with Gonta. He won’t have as many of those soft smiles all to himself anymore after today. So Shuichi shakes off most of last night’s humiliation and mortification, and he leans forward, giving Gonta a quick kiss on the cheek.
He’ll be just fine.
*****
“Shuichi, are you sure you’re not hungry?” Sen asks for the third time in five minutes, and Shuichi nods, sipping on his fourth cup of coffee. His appetite isn’t exactly the greatest right now, and he’s not about to be both nauseous and anxious. Sen shakes her head. “You know, Ma’s going to have a fit if she hears you haven’t eaten anything.”
Nodding, Shuichi takes another sip of coffee, and Gonta gives him a worried glance. “Shuichi, maybe that too much caffeine,” he says, and Shuichi swirls around the little bit of coffee left in the mug. Gonta’s probably right. He sets the last of it down on the table and checks his phone, brow furrowing when there aren’t any notifications. He knows he’s not the most popular guy, but he’d been hoping for a distraction. Gonta nudges him. “You okay? Shuichi seem little bit distracted is all.”
“Oh, no, yeah, I’m fine,” Shuichi says, tucking his phone back into his pocket. His fingers meet cold metal, and he startles. He’d completely forgotten about that. He feels his face flush, and he clears his throat, running a hand through his hair. With a strained smile, he turns to Gonta. “By the way, did you see the photos that Tsumugi sent? They’re pretty great, you look really handsome in them.”
Gonta’s cheeks flush a little, but he pulls his phone out and, presumably, checks the group chat for the photos. Shuichi watches as Gonta’s face lights up, a warm smile spreading across his face as he looks at the photos. Gonta looks up at Shuichi, and he looks like he’s about to say something, but Pa raps on the doorway with his knuckles and leans in before he can. “Hey, Gonta, can I borrow you for a second? We’re gonna go close the shutters before the rain starts up again, and we could use someone tall,” he says.
“Okay, no problem,” Gonta says, and Pa nods before leaving the kitchen doorway. Gonta puts his hand on Shuichi’s shoulder and squeezes gently, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of his head. Shuichi smiles sadly, giving him a light wave as he leaves.
Now it’s just him and Sen in the kitchen, the only noise between them being that of the boiling water on the stove. She turns towards him, an eyebrow raised. Shuichi raises one right back; he’s not in the mood to talk. Nonetheless, Sen steps away from the stove and settles down across from him at the kitchen table.
“Alright. Spill. Something’s up,” she says, that no-nonsense look on her face, and Shuichi just shakes his head. He’d just resolved to ignore what had happened last night, he’s not about to start focusing on it again. Sen snaps her fingers in front of his face, and Shuichi smacks her hand away. “Shu, you can’t do this, you’re just gonna make it worse if you don’t talk about whatever’s happening with someone. Doesn’t even have to be me.”
Drumming his fingers on the edge of the table, Shuichi debates it. He could tell her everything about their situation; it’s not as though Sen’s a bad secret-keeper. If Shuichi tells her that what he says is not to leave this room, it’ll stay hidden. But he can’t do that. Not without asking Gonta first. And he wouldn’t want to break Gonta’s trust like that. Ever.
“I’m gonna go for a walk,” he says, tossing his hood up, and Sen’s eyes go wide. Shuichi stands, shoving his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched.
Sen grabs his wrist to stop him. “Are you insane? There’s a storm,” she says, as if Shuichi’s not perfectly aware, and Shuichi shrugs her off. “Shuichi, the rain is starting back up in, like, twenty minutes, do not go outside.”
With a sigh, Shuichi debates staying in. But he does need to clear his head, and he’s hopped up on caffeine, so he’s bound to make stupid decisions. “I’ll be back in ten,” he says, and he leaves without letting her say another word.
It’s chilly outside, and though the sidewalk is damp with the remnants of the earlier rain, Shuichi doesn’t really mind. He doesn’t really mind it when the puddle he steps in dampens the edges of his sneakers, either. He lets out a huff of breath, scratching at the back of his neck as he keeps going. Shuichi’s not entirely sure of where he’s going.
He just needed to get out. That house is too much, his family is too much, his feelings are too much. Shuichi kicks a rock on the pavement as he takes a deep breath. There’s no reason to be this upset. He’d known that this was a possibility. No, scratch that, he’d expected this. Shuichi hadn’t thought his feelings would be returned, even if he’d hoped that maybe, just maybe there would be a slight chance that Gonta would actually feel the same.
That maybe they could just be. In that ideal world, they wouldn’t have to worry about fabricated breakups and fake dates with their friends, they would just...be. What he wouldn’t give to feel Gonta’s lips on his, not for a charade, but for no reason in particular—because they can and they want to. The idea of it when Shuichi knows Gonta doesn’t feel the same...it’s bittersweet, but Shuichi just can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t help it, though every time he so much as enjoys one of their painfully fake kisses, he feels like an awful person.
And, Shuichi supposes, he is. Not only for dragging Gonta into this whole mess—no, they’ve both made their peace with how terrible a decision that had been—but for actively trying to hide the fact that he has feelings for Gonta. Logically, he knows he has no right to keep this going, he knows this should stop, that he’s being selfish, that he should finally pull off a breakup and let Gonta be free of this incredibly stupid plan, but his heart aches at the thought of having to end what little they have. Shuichi is so desperate for any dregs of affection he can get his hands on, and he knows that’s not healthy, but by God, he’s pining, and their situation just makes everything so much worse.
Gonta’s such an incredible, wonderful person. He deserves so much better than Shuichi’s selfish ass. He doesn’t want to put Gonta through any more of this. Gonta’s kind to a fault sometimes, in a way that Shuichi constantly worries himself over whether he’s truly overstepping Gonta’s boundaries. Obviously, his feelings mixing with their charade does, but it’s normal stuff, too. It’s him not even having to mention something about himself twice before Gonta’s already embedded it in his memory, it’s him mentioning that he likes horror movies and though Gonta’s scared, he still watches them with Shuichi, it’s the knowledge that Gonta would probably do just about anything if Shuichi asked him to, and that thought terrifies him.
That kind of power over someone, especially over Gonta makes him nauseous. So many people take advantage of him without even hesitating or being aware of it, and Shuichi hates that he’s let himself become just another box on that checklist.
It’s not as though Shuichi could provide anything beneficial in their relationship. Sure, he doesn’t let Gonta talk bad about himself, and he does his best to remember Gonta’s interests and hobbies, things like his favorite bug—a hercules beetle—or all of that little stuff they’d talked about at the beginning of all this chaos, but the bar would be on the floor if that’s the standard for considering someone romantically.
Shuichi wants to be someone Gonta could be proud of; the kind of person who does selfless stuff without thinking, the kind of person who switches on the nature channel without thinking because it’s Gonta’s favorite, the kind of person to make coffee in the mornings for when Gonta wakes up grumpy—because he always does, he’s the most endearing non-morning person Shuichi’s ever met—someone that could treat Gonta with the respect and adoration he truly deserves.
As it stands at the moment, Shuichi’s not sure he’s that person. He’d give anything to be that person. Someone who could love Gonta the way he should be loved.
Somehow, he finds himself on the beach, looking out over the ocean. The wind starts to pick up a bit, so Shuichi moves closer to the shore. The sand can’t dust over him now. He keeps walking along the shore; he doesn’t want to go back to the beach house just yet, but he’s also not entirely sure how much time has passed.
Shuichi suppresses a shiver as another gust of wind blows by, and his stomach churns as the light overhead dulls. It’s about to start raining again, which means he’s probably been out for about double the amount of time he said he’d be out for. Someone’s probably going to come looking for him soon. Great. Perfect. That’s just what he needs.
A few droplets hit the top of his hood, then his nose. He looks up, shoulders slumping as he gets hit directly in the face by some more rain. Bottom lip trembling, Shuichi debates whether or not it would be worth it to have a full-on breakdown on the beach. He could probably cry right here and right now, and he could blame his puffy eyes on the seawater, blame his tears on the rain. It would be pretty easy, too. This could be the perfect outlet for his emotions.
Then, there’s a clap of thunder, and the sky lights up not even a mile away, and Shuichi jumps, heart pounding out of his chest. Fuck. He doesn’t know where he is, and he doesn’t know how to get back, and now he’s stuck on a beach in the middle of a storm. The anxiety in his gut grows tenfold, and he clutches at his arms as the rain pours down around him.
The waves crash violently on the shore next to him, and his sneakers squelch as he turns and walks in the opposite direction of where he’d been going. If he just retraces his steps, he should be fine, right? Shuichi hears the thunder clap again, and he jumps, breathing getting a bit more rapid. This is such a stupid fear, but the wind whips his hoodie off his head, and his skin goes slick and slimy with rain, and Shuichi lets out a shaky sigh.
“Shuichi!”
He squints, and his breath catches in his throat as he spots Gonta’s silhouette jogging toward him, hand waving in the air. “Gonta, what are you doing out here?!” he calls, yelling over the roar of wind in his ears and the new clap of thunder that echoes across the horizon, his hands going even shakier than they already had been.
Gonta stops in front of him, shrugging off his suit jacket and making a canopy of it over Shuichi’s head. “Shuichi not come back when he said he was gonna, and rain started up again,” he explains, talking a bit more loudly than usual over the rain. “Gonta got worried! Gonta said he would protect you, so Gonta came out to look for you!”
“You don’t have to do this,” Shuichi says, voice trembling, and Gonta just smiles at him. Now Shuichi just feels even guiltier. Here’s Gonta, out in a storm that Shuichi had stupidly gone straight into, just to make sure he’s okay. Shuichi squeezes his eyes shut and presses his hands to Gonta’s soaked dress shirt. “Gonta, I lied to you last night. I-It wasn’t a joke.”
He figures that now, it doesn’t really matter anymore. Gonta deserves to know the truth. Gonta looks confused at first, then his eyes go wide, his cheeks going red. Shuichi decides to look at the ground instead. Shuichi doesn’t know if he’ll be able to look Gonta in the eyes when he gets rejected for real.
“Shuichi...you mean it?” Gonta asks, barely audible, and Shuichi flinches at the next flash of lightning. Unfortunately, he’s now looking directly at Gonta. “Shuichi...have feelings for Gonta?”
“I do,” Shuichi says, already feeling that familiar prick at the edge of his vision, “I’m so sorry.”
And there go the tears. He should stop; he doesn’t deserve Gonta’s sympathy. “How long?” is the next thing that leaves Gonta’s mouth, and Shuichi figures he’s at least owed some answers.
“Since your birthday,” he answers, gnawing at his bottom lip, and Gonta’s breath hitches. As he looks up at Gonta again, Shuichi can’t decipher the expression on his face. “Gonta, I’m so sorry, I promise this won’t change anything, you don’t have to feel obligated to say anything o-or feel the same way—”
Shuichi is cut off by Gonta’s lips on his, and he gasps at the feeling of Gonta’s hands clutching at his face like a lifeline. Hesitantly, Shuichi reaches up to loop his arms around Gonta’s neck, ignoring the fact that his tears are starting to sting his skin as the wind blows past. His eyes flutter shut, and he pushes back against Gonta, desperately trying to memorize every second of this moment. Gonta holds him even closer, his suit jacket completely discarded behind Shuichi on the beach as Gonta threads a hand through the back of his hair.
Everything else melts away—the rain, the wind, the lightning—and there’s just Gonta. The feel of his hands, the warmth of his body, the soft pliance of his lips against Shuichi’s. Breathlessly, Shuichi pulls back, jumping at the thunder that booms oh-so-close to them. Gonta’s worried gaze scans over his face, and Shuichi glances up at him in return.
“Gonta should get Shuichi back inside,” he murmurs, but he just leans back down, gently pressing their lips together again. Shuichi lets out a shuddering breath, tilting his head just slightly to lean into the kiss. When he pulls away again, Shuichi gives Gonta a nervous smile, eyes flicking back and forth between each of Gonta’s own.
“What about you?” Shuichi asks, voice shaking, though this time, it’s out of nothing but excitement—good nerves. Gonta tilts his head in that silent question. “How long? I-If you, um, actually feel the same, I-I’d get it if you didn’t, I…”
“Shuichi tasted like rum and cherries, and Gonta realized he like kissing Shuichi no matter what he taste like,” he says, voice soft, and Shuichi’s face flushes. That kiss from so long ago…Shuichi gnaws at his bottom lip at the memory of it. Gonta leans his forehead against Shuichi’s, and they both cringe at how gross the rain makes their skin feel, bursting into laughter a moment later. Gonta looks at him with nothing but soft wonder. “Gonta never thought Shuichi could…Gonta never thought anyone would…”
Heart sinking, Shuichi reaches up to caress Gonta’s cheek. “You’re so wonderful, Gonta,” he says with his whole chest, and Gonta lets out a shaky little laugh. Shuichi pulls him down into a tight hug, clutching at his back. “You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met, and I...Gonta, I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else.”
Gonta’s about to say something, but another clap of thunder makes Shuichi jump away. He’s pulled out of the moment; the wind is worse now, the rain falling even harder. Both of them are absolutely soaked, and Shuichi can feel the panic start to rise. Gonta’s hand finds his, and Shuichi looks up at Gonta with wide, scared eyes.
“Gonta will protect Shuichi no matter what,” he says firmly, shaking the sand from his suit jacket as he picks it up and covers Shuichi with it.
Breath hitching, Shuichi stands on his toes to kiss Gonta again. “I think I’m in love with you,” he murmurs against Gonta’s lips, and Gonta’s eyes go wide.
“Gonta in love with you too,” he says, not even leaving a second of room for Shuichi to feel anxious, and Shuichi kisses him again.
There’s a bit of desperation in the kiss, but for the most part, it’s nothing compared to the warmth, light, and contentment that Shuichi feels.
*****
As Shuichi settles in the booth on the train, Gonta leans down to give him a kiss, and Shuichi scrunches his nose up in joking concentration as he does. They’re both dry and clean now, at least; Shuichi’s in that ladybug hoodie and Gonta’s wearing a knit sweater Sotan had given him before they’d left. He looks really good in it, too.
When Gonta sits down next to him, Shuichi joins their hands, twirling that little golden band around Gonta’s finger. A promise. “D’you think anyone would believe us if we told them how we actually ended up getting together?” he asks, and Gonta hums.
“Prolly not,” he admits. Shuichi grins, leaning up for another kiss. “Gonta not wanna change anything about it, though. Well—maybe how long it took.”
“You’re telling me. I could’ve been wearing your sweatshirts since New Year’s!”
“And Gonta could have kissed Shuichi during laser tag!”
“Oh. I forgot about that. Yeah, no, you win.”
“What Gonta’s prize gonna be?”
“I would say it’s a kiss, but you’re welcome to have as many of those as you want, any time.”
“Gonta like the sound of that.”
What a perfect, wonderful mess they are.