Chapter Text
Minho felt like he was still useless, just filling in for someone better, a first choice.
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You didn’t mean to say, “I love you”
I love you and I don’t want to
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Acting out all their fears
You feel it in your chest
Icarus is flying too close to the sun
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Suspicions are a dangerous thing to look into, because if they are correct then part of reality shifts or breaks and it’s near impossible to build it back up again the same. Seungmin didn’t want to find out if his were right or not, if Minho and Felix really were… doing things, if Felix was actually cheating on Hyunjin and Jisung, if Minho was aiding him in betraying their trust. He didn’t want to know because if it turns out these thoughts were correct then the vision he had of his friends, his loyal and trustworthy friend, would be broken and Seungmin didn’t think he could handle that. He wanted to tell Hyunjin and Jisung about what he was feeling, these thoughts that broke into his head and wouldn’t leave, but he knew that it would just turn against him somehow. So he stayed quiet, and he observed.
Anytime Seungmin saw Minho he was just bombarded with thoughts of what he and Felix were possibly doing, thoughts that almost made him resent his friend for a moment. The same thing happened whenever he saw Felix, but mostly when he saw Felix with his two boyfriends, the two people he was supposed to be in love with, the two people he almost died for. But apparently he would throw that and all its possibilities away for the sake of a fling with a friend. It didn’t seem like something Felix would do, cheating and lying and going behind backs. Seungmin almost thought that Minho was manipulating or blackmailing Felix to some extent. But that also wasn’t like him, either of them. Minho was kind, when it counted, and he loved his friends, maybe sometimes too much, but he loved them nonetheless and that included Felix, Hyunjin, and Jisung. And Felix, while sometimes a little naive or clueless, he was strong and determined and he would never let himself be blackmailed into a situation like that.
At least, Seungmin hoped his friends were actually like that, that they weren’t faking anything or pretending to be someone they weren’t. Of course, Seungmin still didn’t have proof that the two were really sleeping together behind everyone’s backs, but he had his suspicions and his intuition. His mind told him that every little thing was a clue, Felix coming out of Minho’s bedroom that day the suspicions first popped up, Felix wearing Minho’s clothes too often for it to be an accident, Minho’s longing looks towards Felix and his boyfriends, Felix staying behind after all their hangouts to “help clean up.” It all added up a little too nicely and Seungmin was surprised no one else seemed to catch on yet.
He was still debating telling his other friends about these thoughts when he received a text from Hyunjin asking if he could call. He quickly replied and awaited for the familiar ringtone to blast out from his phone. Once he heard the instrumental music he reached for the device and pressed the green button, accepting the call.
“Seungmin,” Hyunjin rushed out, the second he accepted, “we need help, me and Jisung.” Seungmin sat up, feeling that this would be either a very long, very tiring, call, or a possibly very serious call. Or maybe both.
“What is it, Hyun?”
A sigh was heard through the phone’s speaker, then some rustling, another sigh, a small hiccup, a sniffle, and then a few simple words, “We think Felix is cheating on us.”
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My dear, you're not so innocent
You're fooling Heaven's gates
So you won't have to change
You're no saint, you're no savior
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Felix was scared. Hyunjin and Jisung were mad at him, he was sure. They hadn’t texted him good morning yet and it was nearly 11am, they were both always awake before then. And then when Felix took the initiative and texted them a morning greeting in the group chat between them first, they hadn’t responded, both leaving his text on read. And then later, when he had tried calling Jisung to tell him about his day, brushing off the morning thing as an accident, his call was declined and all he got was a simple text saying “Can’t talk, busy.” and nothing else, not even a call back later. And after the same thing happened when he tried calling Hyunjin, he even got sent the same exact message back, Felix knew that they were mad at him. The most obvious reason for them being mad was if they found out about Felix and Minho, but that was clearly not the case. They were being careful, they were being discreet with it all. Nobody could have possibly known.
And as Felix sat in his car, checking the weather obsessively (the forecast said it was supposed to rain, but the skies had been blue all day and Felix didn’t believe his weather app at that moment), trying to waste away the time until Minho answered him, he felt something like dread in his heart. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t stop, he was upset and that day had him feeling unloved and forgotten and guilty for doing everything wrong yet also doing nothing at all. Felix was aware that this whole situation was messed up, but that didn’t stop him from speeding over to Minho’s place and kissing the other as hard as he could the second the door opened. Minho’s mouth was familiar territory, something he knew, every bump and curve and line and motion Felix knew like the neighborhood he grew up in. He couldn’t pinpoint anything specific without being there, without experiencing it, but once he was there, he knew every twist and turn, every hill and every dip in the road. Minho immediately responded enthusiastically, pulling Felix into the house as he closed the door with his foot, placing his hands in Felix’s hair, under his shirt, on his face, anywhere he could freely reach and touch.
Minho was the first to break them apart and before Felix could rush back in and kiss him again, he put their foreheads together and stared into the other’s eyes. Minho saw every emotion in Felix’s eyes, he always was able to tell exactly what Felix was feeling because his eyes told everything, the entire story, always. He knew Felix was upset, he knew that this was just a distraction, he hadn’t been missing Minho.
Minho knew this and yet he still said to Felix in a small whisper, just for the two of them in their own little bubble of a world, “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” before leaning forward and gently pressing his mouth over Felix’s. It didn’t stay gentle for long, and soon they were scrambling to stay connected while maneuvering towards the bedroom. Minho kicked open the door and they entered, still attached at the mouth. Breaking apart only for moments, heavy breaths and loud pants filled the room as clothes were discarded. Felix fell down onto the bed as his legs hit the edge of it and that was the longest they had stayed apart in minutes as Minho stared down at Felix and felt an overwhelming sense that this wasn’t a sight he was supposed to see, like this was something from someone else’s memories that he was intruding on.
Minho slowly backed away until his bare back hit the wall beside the still open door. Felix shuffled up onto his elbows and looked back over at Minho, gaze painted in concern and something Minho couldn’t name, something that almost looked like annoyance, but masked in worry.
“Minho?” Felix asked, voice quiet, as if he was afraid to disturb the other, “Are you okay?” It was a stupid question to ask, he didn’t look okay, he wasn’t acting okay, so why did Felix ask that? He wasn’t sure, it just sounded like the right thing to say. Minho looked out of it, like he wasn’t present in his head and he was zoning out. Felix knew the feeling, he daydreamed and zoned out often, but never in this situation. It made him self-conscious, if he was being honest. He felt as though maybe Minho didn’t really want this, as if he was forcing himself to try and love Felix after that day in the kitchen, when Felix had first kissed him and started this whole thing.
“Minho?” Felix called out again, sitting up further and dangling his feet off the edge of the bed, fiddling with stray threads poking out of the blanket beneath him, “Minho, what’s wrong?”
Minho startled, looking up from the spot on the carpet he was hyper-fixated on and staring at Felix instead. He looked almost a little crazed, like he had just woken up from a nightmare, like he was scared.
“I- I-” he stuttered out, switching between looking at Felix and looking nearly anywhere else, he seemed to be avoiding looking at the open door or the clothes on the ground, “We shouldn’t do this, Felix.”
That didn’t make sense, they had both said that sentence before, but it was all hushed whispers in the dead of night to no one but each other, not even caring that they didn’t mean a word of it. But this time, when Minho had said it, it had a sense of finality to it, like they really wouldn’t continue. Felix didn’t know how to feel about that. He wanted this, just as much as when he initiated it, but he also wanted to stop, he didn’t like going behind his friends’ and boyfriends’ backs. But this… he didn’t want it to end because of how Minho was feeling at this moment, because of some rash decision made based on emotions that would pass with the night. Felix had asked Minho what he had meant, if he really meant what he was saying. Minho didn’t reply, he just shook his head, turning to the door looking haunted by something Felix couldn’t see and walking out of the room. Felix wasn’t going to let it end like this, he wasn’t ready to lose it just yet.
“Hey!” Felix yelled, hopping off the bed, leaving the room, and going after Minho, “You can’t just leave like that what the he-”
“Felix?” He froze. That wasn’t a voice he was expecting to hear. That wasn’t a voice he wanted to hear, not while he was in Minho’s house, not while he wasn’t fully clothed, not while it was obvious what they were about to do, not while he was out of his head and upset.
“Felix why are you here, why are you-”
“Hyunjin!” Felix exclaimed, terrified and wanted to divert the coming subject, “What uh- what are you doing here ha…” he trailed off, not knowing what else to say. Hyunjin didn’t respond right away, he simply gestured to ask if he could come inside and Minho opened the door wider, letting him walk right in. He kept walking until he was in front of Felix, his eyes showing so many emotions: sadness, betrayal, bitterness, anger, anything and everything he felt was convoluted in the deep expanse of his eyes and Felix knew he had messed up. Bad. He was caught nearly in the act and he had no idea what to do. Minho had opened the door, knowing fully well that he and Felix both were still half undressed and that anyone at the door could’ve guessed what had been going on, and Felix was glaring at him. He turned away from Hyunjin and towards Minho, crossed his arms over his bare chest protectively, feeling both exposed and vulnerable in front of his two closest friends.
“Felix…” Minho had started when he looked into Felix’s eyes and saw how hurt he looked, hiding his pain behind the ghost of a glare, “Felix I can explain…”
“I don’t want you to!” Felix yelled, not knowing why exactly he was trying to seem angry when he was more upset and hurt than anything.
“Fel-”
“No, Minho! You don’t get to stand there and act as if you didn’t just give away something huge, like you didn’t take away my chance to explain myself and talk to them about this on my own time!”
“Felix,” Hyunjin spoke up, going to put a hand on his shoulder before hesitating and bringing his hand back down, “me and Jisung, we already had our suspicions about this.”
“What the hell are you saying, you mean you knew? And you didn’t say anything? Did you just not care?”
“We only came to the conclusion today,” Hyunjin tried to reason, but Felix wasn’t listening.
“You mean to tell me that you knew? You knew and you both stayed quiet and did nothing? You found out that I was going behind your backs to sleep with our mutual friend and you stayed silent? Did you ever even care about me at all?”
That struck a chord in Hyunjin. “Did you ever even care about me at all?” It was a simple question, at its core, but in the context it was horribly upsetting because if Felix thought that them not saying anything in the few hours they had known meant that they never cared, then what did Felix’s betrayal to them mean? Had his heart lied to him, giving him false feelings and justifying that he loved them so much he had developed a disease? Did his heart spin a tale of love and red strings that was really just ideas and fantasies that held no real meaning or truth? Had Felix faked himself into believing that he was so in love with Hyunjin and Jisung that he coughed up flowers for them and almost died for them when really, he didn’t care for them nearly as much? It was clear in the way that he easily started having this affair with Minho and how he didn’t put enough effort into hiding their relationship well enough to get it past Seungmin, or Hyunjin, or Jisung, or anyone else that just looked?
“Did we ever care about you?” Hyunjin asked, repeating Felix’s question and cutting off his ranting, “Did we ever care about you? Felix, you were one of the people we cared about most! We invited you into our relationship because we loved you! We loved you and you threw that away to sleep with a friend!”
Hyunjin looked towards the quiet Minho, still with his hand on the door handle, even though the door was now shut, “And Minho, don’t think we’ll ever forget that you were involved in this too, don’t think that this won’t take a huge toll on our relationship because we’ll be paranoid to ever invite another person to be that close to us, don’t think that we’ll ever, ever, forget that someone who was supposed to be one of our closest friends betrayed us and slept with our boyfriend. Don’t think for a second that you’ll be forgiven any time soon, if ever.”
With that, Hyunjin stalked towards the door, tugging Minho’s hand off the handle and ripping it open, going immediately to his car parked in the driveway and driving off, but not before Felix and Minho saw a free stray tears slide down his face.
Hyunjin shouldn’t have been driving at that moment, he was crying and he could barely see, but he knew the way back to his and Jisung’s apartment like he knew the back of his hand and another car’s headlights would still be visible through the blur of tears. However, he still pulled over and parked the car on some street a few blocks away from Minho’s place. He shakily took his phone from his pocket and went through the familiar motions of calling Jisung. His boyfriend picked up on the first ring.
“Hyun? Hey, hey, wha- were we right?”
Hyunjin didn’t think he could get out any words and he didn’t know why he had called Jisung when he couldn’t talk because of the lump in his throat. He let out a shaky sigh and a small sob and Jisung seemed to get the idea. He started telling Hyunjin all the things he loved about him as he usually did when he was upset and needed to be cheered up. Hyunjin could tell from his voice though that he was struggling too. After a few minutes of sweet and soft exclamations of love and affirmation and validation, Jisung asked Hyunjin where he was, if he needed a ride, if he was going to be okay.
Hyunjin was able to swallow back the rock in his throat for a few seconds to answer Jisung’s questions with a few small words, an “I’m okay,” a “no, I drove there,” a “just a few minutes away.” He was still crying, but notably less than before. He told Jisung in as few words as possible that he was fine and that he’d hang up, then be home in a few minutes. They hung up the call and Hyunjin was alone again. He started up the car and let the lyrics from the songs playing from the car’s radio soothe him further.
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Restless mind, I can't shake this
Said I'm fine, but we both know I'm fakin'
I'm not feeling numb
I'm just feeling everything at once
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Felix was crying. He knew he had no right to, he wasn’t hurt the worst in this situation, he shouldn’t feel hurt at all. He was the one who was damaging the relationship, he was the one who was betraying the others, he was the one who didn’t deserve to cry. Minho had tried to come forward and place a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Felix just shrugged him off and grabbed the first shirt he saw lying around before walking out the still open door and heading down the street.
Felix knew it was supposed to rain that day, he had looked at the weather forecast almost in obsessive procrastination earlier that day. He didn’t believe it, but he guessed he should have because soon after leaving Minho’s place, Felix felt a small wet splash on his cheek. He looked up and saw gray rain clouds covering nearly the entire expanse of the sky. A few moments passed until suddenly it was raining so hard that Felix could barely see five feet in front of himself. He thought about turning back to go take shelter at Minho’s house, but that idea was discarded almost immediately because seeing Minho again was the very nearly the last thing Felix wanted to do at that moment. So he kept walking.
One of the last things Felix remembers about that night was the sudden stabbing pain in his chest, the burning feeling of drowning as though the rain was falling directly down his throat and filling his lungs to the brim, leaving no room for air. He remembered not being able to breathe, he remembered falling and feeling the faint pain of scraping his hands and knees on the street’s asphalt, he remembered coughing and he remembered the bright colors of flower petals dulled by the rain and blurred by his closing eyes. He didn’t remember the low resounding thud of his body hitting the rough, black street and he most definitely didn’t remember being almost run over by the unknown truck that barely saw him through the thick rain. He didn’t remember being brought to the hospital and he didn’t remember anybody that visited him. He didn’t remember and it ate at and killed him more than the disease had because he didn’t know whether he got to apologize to Hyunjin or Jisung, or whether Minho or any of the others had come to visit him. He didn’t know, but he was told many times, every single time he complained and whined, that no one ever fully remembered their last moments. That just wasn’t how it worked.
Felix missed them all terribly, and he regretted so much. He regretted not apologizing the second he could, he regretted getting upset and letting his emotions lead him, he regretted not going back to Minho’s place and at least being able to die with a friend there instead of alone in the middle of the road, almost to be run over by a stranger. Felix regretted not living his life more. Felix almost regretted falling in love, if he ever did. He just wanted to be alive again
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You know devils don't fly
So don't expect me not to fall
Devils don't fly
But God we almost had it all
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