Chapter Text
“Careful.”
Justin watches as Chengcheng carefully maneuvers them so that Chengcheng is lying up against the headrest of his bed, and Justin is comfortably straddling him right above him. It’s a comfortable change from how Chengcheng was holding him at the edge of the bed earlier, at least, but it does nothing to dispel how nervous Justin still feels inside.
“Hey, hey, hey.” The other boy takes one of Justin’s hands from where they’re pressed down on Chengcheng’s chest. He holds it in both of his own, frowning up at him. “Don’t be nervous.”
Chengcheng knows he’s nervous; of course he does, he’s his soulmate, after all. That’s what soulmates are supposed to do. Justin’s just gotten so used to pretending he doesn’t have one that he’s made himself forget just how bound he is to the boy underneath him.
“I can’t help it,” he confesses, his voice shaking slightly. “I … I’ve wanted this for so long, and now that I have you … I don’t even know.”
Chengcheng laughed softly. “Well, if you’ve waited long, I’ve died already of old age.” He delicately threads his fingers with Justin’s. “Try not to be nervous; it’s only me.” Then, in a lighter tone. “You being nervous makes me nervous.”
“Ha, ha.” Justin snorted. “Very funny.”
“It’s not just a soulmate joke, I swear. I’m just … I just … fuck, now you’re actually making me nervous.” Chengcheng laughs bashfully, the sound cluttering around the room.
Justin laughs with him, adjusting himself so that he’s more comfortably seated on Chengcheng’s legs. He can feel Chengcheng’s own nervousness inside of him, but for some reason, the sensation soothes him rather than increases his own discomfort.
He watches as Chengcheng unthreads his fingers from his, moving his hands slowly until they’re resting just by Justin’s hips. He looks up at him, unsure. “You’re sure about this, right?”
Justin pauses for a moment.
If Chengcheng had asked him this a few days ago, a month ago, a year ago, three years ago, then his answer would have been no. In fact, he wouldn’t have allowed the boy to even come close to him for fear of the silver thread that was intertwined around both of their souls. There was a time that Justin was terrified of the feeling of someone else in his head, angry that he couldn’t be his own person like Zhengting or Xukun or Zhangjing or any of the other people he looked up to. That his life would forever have to be dedicated to another boy with dreams just as big as his -- maybe even too big, because he wasn’t sure if there could be enough space for both of their dreams between them.
“I’m sure,” he says, and his voice doesn’t shake.
Three, almost four years have been long enough for him to come to terms with it all. For him to realize that he doesn’t have to let the idea of his soulmate define him. For him to recognize that by fighting the inevitable bond between them, he was only prolonging the hurt that had walked alongside him ever since that first day in the Yuehua training rooms, when Fan Chengcheng had walked in with all of his splendor and handsomeness and kindness. Fan Chengcheng wasn’t his soulmate because that’s what fate destined for them; he was his soulmate because he was the person made for him.
Chengcheng stares up at him for a moment, his eyes glistening. Then, he pulls Justin into him so that his face is buried in his chest, his breath fanning over the exposed stretch of skin along his collarbone where he had tugged his shirt from earlier. “Okay. I need you to be sure.”
His breath is warm, and it tickles Justin’s skin when it falls on it. Justin wraps his arms around the other man’s neck, swallowing from how intimate the action feels. “I am sure.”
“Yes, but it’s hard sometimes for me to believe it.” Chengcheng laughs dryly. “I’ve loved you for so long, but it’s only recently that I can try to believe that you love me back.”
Justin feels the shred of doubt implant itself into his own heart; the pain that runs through him is sharper, clearer, less clouded over by layers of doubt that he stowed around himself to protect himself from the connection he shares with Chengcheng. But now that more things have come clear, and more things have fallen into place where they belong, it feels right that the feelings are so clear.
“You can believe it this time.” Justin presses the pads of his fingers to Chengcheng’s jawline. He doesn’t attempt to raise his head up, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if he could see Chengcheng’s eyes now. “I love you.”
Chengcheng hums into his neck. “Say it again?”
“I love you.” Justin says it more firmly now, with less hesitation. It feels right to do so.
Chengcheng shivers, trembles so hard that Justin is afraid he’ll shatter apart from where he’s holding Justin in his arms. He can feel Chengcheng’s heart clench on itself with all the pain he’s stowed away over the years, then smooth itself out again until it’s back into the fluid rope that connects his own heart with his.
“Say it again,” he whispers. There’s something wet on Justin’s collarbone. “Please.”
“I love you,” he says again, softer.
“Again.”
“I love you.”
Justin repeats it for him, and he lets Chengcheng cry into the expanse of his skin, the feeling of his soulmate finally accepting him ripping through him with a sort of painful catharsis that reminds Justin just how much Fan Chengcheng loved him.
He says it again and again, says it when Chengcheng finally raises his head and presses his mouth to his. Says it when Chengcheng presses him down on the bed and worships each and every inch of his body like it’s something incredibly precious under his hands. Says it when Chengcheng’s sweaty hair is in his own face, and his own voice is cracking with the force of how hard he’s trying to still hang on. His nails are digging into Chengcheng’s back, his face glistening from sweat, his entire body stretched as taut as a wire.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he sobs, and Chengcheng hears it, intertwining Justin’s fingers with his own again.
“I love you too,” he says softly back, much much later. He presses his forehead to his and smiles against his lips as he takes Justin apart so acutely underneath him.