Chapter Text
Honey, when I'm above the trees
I see this for what it is
But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given
Is just shit we're dividin' up
Showed you all of my hiding spots
I was dancing when the music stopped
And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention
I haven't met the new me yet
Hogwarts was a safe haven that much has been made clear. Once seventh year ended and Remus stepped off the train onto platform 9 ¾ the world had tilted on its axis. The effects of war evident on people’s faces.
As a boy, he remembers being lonely. Of having only his parents and a moon-shaped secret hovering around him at all times. When he was younger it was easier to imagine himself in faraway places. When he closed his eyes to sleep he’d have vivid dreams of using magic, of feeling safe, and of having friends. Those were just dreams though. He’s unsure when he’ll ever feel safe again.
There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
Once Dumbledore entered his life with a promise that he could attend school and not be a danger to others those dreams slowly became a reality. It didn’t take long for Remus to get caught up in all the things he had wished coming to light. First, using magic constantly and perfecting it until casting spells was as natural as breathing. Second, feeling safe somewhere that wasn’t home. Of course, thanks to certain greasy-haired student, safety wasn’t always guaranteed but he would be lying if on the last night of the term he hadn’t wished he could stay in the comfort of his four-poster bed. Third, friends - actual friends who didn’t care what he was, only cared how he was. This was his greatest dream realized and now here he is wishing he hadn’t dreamt of friends at all.
Friends led to betrayal and death and pain.
Past the blood and bruise
Past the curses and cries
Beyond the terror in the nightfall
Haunted by the look in my eyes
That would've loved you for a lifetime
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
After being bitten Remus hadn’t always allowed himself to think about getting older. It was common knowledge that werewolves had a shelf life, especially ones who turned as young as the age of four. Once he got older and found himself lying in the hospital wing, his wounds taken care of, and his friends fast asleep in chairs next to him. Remus had given himself time to think about life beyond school.
He never could have imagined going through what he felt was a full-cycle of life in just a few year's time. If being a werewolf wasn’t going to kill him then what he had recently endured surely was. He closes his eyes and tries to keep the terrible images at bay. Remus can’t go there now. Can’t think of James and Lily’s bodies, of a finger being all that’s left of Peter, of Sirius.
Tell me, when did your winning smile
Begin to look like a smirk?
When did all our lessons start to look like weapons
Pointed at my deepest hurt?
I hope she'll be your beautiful fool
Who takes my spot next to you
No, I didn't mean that
Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury
You haven't met the new me yet
Sirius. Who had spent years being fiercely loyal, tearing away any bit of himself that reminded him of his parents or his cousins. Who had stayed by Remus’ bedside moon after moon. Who helped James woo Lily once he noticed James' infatuation had grown from crush to something more. Who teased Peter while simultaneously helping him with assignments. How could he be the one?
There'll be happiness after me
But there was happiness because of me
Both of these things, I believe
There is happiness
Remus slowly makes his way to a bench in the middle of Godric’s Hollow. If he stands by their graves one moment longer he is sure he’ll crumble.
In our history, across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind
And there is happiness
It has been weeks since the war was declared over. Since Voldemort had been defeated and Harry had been deemed the boy who lived although no one knew for sure if he was even alive any longer. People had celebrated and hugged and started to go about life with a spring in their step. Everyone except Remus it seems who cannot for the life of him move forward. To pretend there is light at the end of the tunnel is fruitless in his eyes. There is no silver lining. Instead just him alone, wading through the aftermath of an incredible betrayal.
I can't make it go away by making you a villain
I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven
And I pulled your body into mine
Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties
No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him, too
After what has now been deemed the prank. Remus had convinced himself there was no way Sirius could ever blindside him like that again. After weeks of silence and cold-shoulders Remus had allowed Sirius to crawl his way back, on the condition that he didn’t make any more decisions where Remus’ secret was concerned.
He realizes now that since sixth year the trust he had with Sirius had never quite repaired itself. Maybe that’s why he should have seen it coming but then again he did always have a blindspot where Sirius was concerned. Everyone did, apparently.
Honey, when I'm above the trees
I see it for what it is
But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where you used to lay your head
After giving you the best I had
Tell me what to give after that
All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness
You haven't met the new me yet
And I think she'll give you that
Snow starts to fall and Remus wishes he had worn more than a cardigan. He casts a warming charm and is taken back into his thoughts. The Marauders had taught Remus how to open up, to have a little fun, and to trust. They gave him the confidence to believe he could make a life for himself after Hogwarts even though that seemed impossible in his eyes. Little did he know the life he made for himself would be as a pawn in a much larger game. As an emissary who could drift between the worlds of wizards and werewolves. That wasn’t much of a life at all and Remus wonders if he ever has truly lived. Perhaps only at Hogwarts where each time the real world tried to touch him, he managed to maneuver out of its grasp.
There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you, too
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
For a moment he closes his eyes and imagines he is back in school. Watching in awe as Sirius easily turns his goblet into a rat in transfiguration. Shaking his head in disbelief as James soars gracefully on the quidditch pitch then loses all that grace as soon as he’s back on solid ground. Smiling a real smile when Peter would sit with him and they would find solace in each other's company when James and Sirius were being particularly James and Sirius like.
In our history, across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind
Oh, leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
Hogwarts was a safe haven that much has been made clear. The longer Remus sits and thinks about it he wishes he had never walked out those doors.