Chapter Text
Bokuto felt a panic attack coming on.
He felt like this before performances now.
They triggered them.
Usually his best friend was there to help him work through his attacks, but tonight he was in the audience with his boyfriend and the ‘friend’ he had insisted Bokuto needed to meet.
His therapist had asked him after the accident if he would continue performing since performances appeared to be a major trigger for him. He couldn’t really comprehend not performing anymore.
Sure before performances he felt sick with nerves, but during them he felt a feeling that he couldn’t get anywhere else.
His bandmates were a few of the only people who knew why he had taken a six month break from drumming.
He couldn’t imagine leaving them.
They were some of the only family he had left now.
And performing was different from just playing the drums.
He knew he could still do it as a hobby, but it didn’t feel the same.
He needed to be able to release all his pent up frustration on his drum kit.
Drumming out words that he couldn’t find the letters to spell.
He wanted people to understand what he felt; to feel it too if only for the brief moment when he was on stage.
Drumming was like breathing for him
When he wasn’t able to drum for six months it was like being without his own lungs for half a year.
Like his heartbeat was all wonky; everything just felt off.
Not performing for six months had almost killed him.
Again.
*
Bokuto was snapped out of his thoughts by a sharp karate chop to his side.
“NEGATIVITY, BEGONE!”
Bokuto put on a smile he thought would convince Suga he had succeeded in ridding him of his negative thoughts.
“Suga!”
Suga cheered and clicked his heels.
“Bokuto!”
Bokuto genuinely smiled now.
He loved Suga and he always managed to cheer him up, his methods were strange but they worked.
“I heard Kuroo brought you a new friend this week.”
Suga smirked and waggled his eyebrows.
“Huh?! who told you that.”
Bokuto wasn’t that surprised in all honesty though, Kuroo and Daichi were close friends, and Suga and Daichi were dating.
Well Bokuto thought they were dating at least but he wasn’t entirely sure.
Daichi wasn’t the type to kiss and tell.
And well Suga, Suga was another story, but he mostly respected Daichi’s privacy.
Suga might be chaotic but he wasn’t mean.
Drunk Suga was about as tight lipped as a two year old though.
“Daichi did!”
As he suspected Bokuto really was a genius.
“Damnit Kuroo needs to stop bringing guys he thinks I’ll like to our shows. Last time he did that he brought Kenma’s friend who’s dating our guitarist!”
“Oh my god I remember that. Shoyou thought he was just getting a free ticket to his boyfriend's concert. Kuroo was so shocked when Shoyou ran up to Tobio and kissed him after our set was over.”
Bokuto cringed at the memory.
“Well at least he hasn’t brought me a straight guy yet. Then we’ll really need to have a talk. He’s like a stray cat offering me dead animals everyday.”
“Bokuto! Don’t compare the men Kuroo tries -and fails to set you- up with to dead animals.”
Bokuto deflated when Suga mentioned the fact that every attempted setup for him had failed.
“Am I unlovable Suga, why don’t I have a boyfriend, why have all Kuroo’s set up’s failed?”
The more that Bokuto thought about it the more upset he got.
Was he destined to be alone?
Was it his hair?!
No it wasn’t his hair his hair was awesome.
“Are you just gonna brush past the dead animals part Bokuto?”
Bokuto pouted.
“Yes.”
Before Suga had the chance to respond Iwaizumi joined them where they were waiting in the dressing room for the band before them to finish their set before they could start setting up.
“Suga! You didn’t put Bokuto in sad mode did you?!”
Bokuto huffed and squared his shoulders.
“I did no such thing.” Suga stuck out his lower lip. “All I did was bring up the fact that Bokuto is incredibly single.”
Bokuto’s shoulders drooped.
“SUGA! Stop that! God even his hair is drooping at this point. Apologize!”
Bokuto turned to Iwaizumi.
“Iwa-chan do you think I’m unlovable?”
Suga started laughing then.
“He called you Iwa-chan!”
Iwaizumi sighed.
“Bokuto I told you not to call me that.”
“But Oikawa does.” Bokuto pouted. “And you didn’t answer me. I am unlovable, that's right, that's why you won’t answer.”
“Oikawa calls me that because he’s a pain in the ass. And you’re not unlovable, you're just having a hard time finding someone.”
Bokuto perked up.
“I’m not unlovable?”
Iwaizumi shook his head.
Bokuto hooted and grabbed Iwaizumi into a bear hug.
Iwaizumi just patted Bokuto on his back.
Just then a voice came over the small speaker in the corner of the room.
‘Next band please start setting up!’
Suga grinned and smeared some glitter on Iwaizumi’s nose before cackling and running away, calling back to them that he would see them on the stage.
Bokuto grabbed his drumsticks and ran out to join Suga.
When he made it to the stage his nerves started to disintegrate.
He was good at what he did -one of the best- he would do great tonight.
He grinned, this was gonna be fun.
He was scanning the audience for Kuroo hoping he might see the ‘friend’ he had brought.
He hoped he was cute.
And that’s when his eyes fell on him.
Oh my god.
Standing in the audience next to Kuroo was the most gorgeous man he had ever seen.
His grin doubled in size.
That was him it had to be.
He felt like falling onto his knees and worshiping Kuroo for having Kenma bring him tonight for Bokuto.
He opted for waving at him instead.
Before Kuroo noticed him though Bokuto made eye contact with the gorgeous man.
When their eyes met though the man’s hold on his drink seemed to tighten slightly as if he was scared of something.
Bokuto wanted to run and defend him from whatever scared him.
Even if it was Bokuto himself.
But before he could run to the man and possibly get kicked out of the venue Kuroo was waving his arms frantically at Bokuto and calling out his nickname.
Bokuto nodded then headed over to sit at his stool.
He was determined to play perfectly tonight.
-The songs I used for the next part-
I Always Knew-The Vaccines
If You Wanna-The Vaccines
It was the last song of their set and Bokuto was doing great as usual.
He was the best after all.
But he wanted their last song to be different.
He was determined to make the man feel his song.
He knew once he talked to him he wouldn’t be able to express all he wanted to say with words.
Words weren’t his forte; when he tries to spell out his emotions the letters all get tangled together.
But music was different.
He knew how he wanted his feelings to sound when he played them out.
The drums were part of him.
He knew how to form sentences he never could speak with his music.
He loved the way his music flowed.
He felt the vibrations coming from the bass as his foot stepped on the bass pedal over and over again.
He nodded his head to the beat until all his senses picked up was drumming.
It was his entire world if only for those brief minutes he was playing.
And all too soon it was over.
Bokuto exhaled and let his posture relax.
He took a deep breath and hopped off the stage heading for Kuroo.
They talked but all he could really focus on was the gorgeous man standing near his side.
It was kind of awkward.
But Bokuto was good at breaking the tension in situations like that.
“HEY HEY HEY! My name’s Bokuto!”
Nice solid greeting he thought to himself.
“Hello Bokuto-san I’m Akaashi.”
Oh god was he using honorifics that made the situation so much more tense.
He tried to think of a way to ease the tension.
A nickname!!!!!
“Kaashi it is!”
He noticed how Akaashi turned a faint shade of pink at the nickname.
He smiled.
“Oh no Bo you can’t call him that!”
He chose to ignore Kuroo.
“No Bokuto-san it’s alright you can call me whatever you want.”
Bokuto felt something stir in stomach at what Akaashi said.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
He was just hungry, performing was a lot of work.
“Whatever he wants huh? Bo your pretty privilege is showing.”
Bokuto chose to ignore Kuroo again.
“So Kaashi are you coming to the after party to celebrate my awesomeness.”
That’s right Bokuto was confident.
“Maybe, Kenma are you going?”
“No. My social battery is at zero. Let’s go Kuroo.”
“Oh well I should probably go home too then. I wouldn’t want to impose, and I would know no one.”
Bokuto refused to let their budding friendship or whatever this was fail because of Kenma’s antisocialness.
And so he rambled.
“What?! No way Kaashi you gotta! You know me right? Plus it’s only gonna be the rest of my band, and then some of their friends and stuff! Like 20 people tops! And my band’s super nice.”
“Ok.”
*
“So Agaashi do you actually want to go to this party?”
Akaashi looked at him with the same bored expression.
“Hm?”
“Well you just don’t really look like you want to go is all.”
Akaashi’s face still looked like a porcelain dolls; he wondered if that mask ever really cracked.
“I’ll go.”
He hooted.
As far as Bokuto could tell, just agreeing to go was enthusiastic for Akaashi.
Bokuto was elated.
Until Akaashi asked him if he wanted to take a lyft there together.
He panicked he couldn’t do that, not right now.
His brain couldn’t keep up with his words and before he knew it words were tumbling out of his mouth without abandon
“Oh no we don’t need to take a Lyft!! I’m super tense from sitting while drumming so we should walk. And we don’t need to spend unnecessary money on a Lyft anyway.”
Bokuto crossed his fingers behind his back hoping that would convince Akaashi not to take a Lyft.
“Alright.”
He grabbed Akaashi’s hand and pulled him in the direction of the hotel the party was at.
“Follow me!”
Akaashi glanced at their interlocked hands.
Bokuto realized he might be breaching Akaashi’s comfort zone so he released his hand.
His dad always told him he needed to be more considerate of people's personal space; he always tried to take the advice his dad had given him.
Lost in thought he almost didn’t notice that Akaashi had stopped walking.
He glanced back and saw him staring at his hands.
“You ok Kaashi?”
Akaashi just continued studying his hands before staring back at Bokuto with a look of boredom.
“Hm? Yeah. My hands are just kind of cold now.”
Bokuto spluttered.
“What?!”
He could feel his ears burning.
Akaashi brushed past him and grabbed his hand.
“Mm nothing.”
Bokuto stood there dumbstruck until he felt Akaashi’s hand tugging him forward once more.
*
When they arrived at the party Taylor Swift was blasting from the speaker on the table in the corner.
Oikawa must be controlling the music choice.
He could hear Oikawa and Iwaizumi arguing from where they stood in the entrance.
“Iwa-chan!!! If you don’t like Taylor’s music you’re clearly just misogynistic!! She is the music industry!!!!!!!!!!”
“No one wants to hear you trashy American pop shittykawa.”
Eventually someone wrestled the Bluetooth speaker from Oikawa's clutches.
The music started up again this time it was their band's music.
Bokuto had an idea.
“Hey, Kaashi!!”
“Yes Bokuto-san”
“Okay, first you can drop the honorific! We’re friends!” Akaashi’s eyes widened slightly. “And two!!!! Let’s dance!”
At this point Akaashi’s eyes looked like they would roll out of their sockets.
Okay that was a bit of an exaggeration but for him it was very expressive.
He looked kind of excited.
Maybe terrified was a better word but it was close enough.
“Bokuto this isn’t dancing music.”
He smiled at hearing Akaashi say his name
“Well maybe this isn’t traditional dancing music, but we can dance to whatever’s playing right now still!! Just pretend it’s some really dramatic song instead of K-pop or whatever Suga’s playing.”
“Okay, I guess.”
“It’s fine if you- wait okay?!” Bokuto’s face broke out into a smile. “I mean of course you said okay I’m awesome!!”
Bokuto dragged Akaashi into the middle of the room.
“Now we have to wait until a new song because we can’t start dancing to a song when it’s already started!!”
“Okay if you say so.”
He noticed how Akaashi blushed when he took his hand.
He grinned; how could someone have so many different sides to them.
Then he started moving them slowly throughout the song.
Waltzing throughout the room.
“Bokuto I didn’t agree to slow dance. what are you doing.”
“But Kaashi, this is more fun than regular dancing!! Plus it’s very main character like.”
Akaashi didn’t say anything, but he also didn’t say anything.
So he took that as okay to continue waltzing with him.
They spun throughout the room.
They weren’t very good, but they were having fun.
And it felt like they were the only two people in the entire world.
In that moment with Akaashi’s hand in his, and the feeling of having his hand on Akaashi’s waist, the feeling of holding Akaashi was all he knew.
Akaashi’s eyes reflected the cheap disco ball lights as if they held a whole galaxy in them.
And as far as he could tell they did.
Akaashi’s lips turned up into a small grin.
He smiled back.
And then it happened.
Something clicked in the back of Akaashi’s eyes, and before he knew it Akaashi had dropped his hand and ran from the room.
He was left standing there in the middle of the room.
His hands felt cold.
In a room full of people Bokuto suddenly felt so alone.
He wasn’t sure what he had done.
Was it something he did?
Did he make Akaashi uncomfortable somehow?
There was only one way to find out what it was, but he wasn’t sure if he should follow him.
Would that be breaching some invisible barrier between them?
They had only known each other for a couple of hours, but Bokuto already felt connected to him for some reason.
So he took a leap of faith and decided to follow him.
Now he just needed to figure out where Akaashi went.
After talking to four different people Iwaizumi pointed him in the direction of the roof.
He slowly made his way up the stairs, contemplating what he would say to Akaashi when/if he found him.
He didn’t want to come off too strong and intimidate him, but he also wanted to seem strong enough that Akaashi could rely on him
He reached the door that led to the roof and pushed it open expecting nothing.
Akaashi had probably headed home.
But when he turned the corner that led to the wide expanse of roof he saw Akaashi laying down and watching the stars.
“Akaashi?”
Akaashi’s head jerked up.
He seemed slightly dazed, and his eyes were red rimmed.
The porcelain had cracked.
“Bokuto-san?”
He looked so fragile at that moment.
He looked so broken.
Nothing like the Akaashi he thought he knew.
Akaashi was smart, sarcastic, and practical.
He didn’t cry while watching the stars.
But then again.
He just kept surprising him.
And Bokuto knew he wanted to learn all he could about Akaashi while he had the time.
He knelt on the ground and opened his arms for Akaashi.
Akaashi stared at him with a question in his eyes.
Bokuto gave him a faint smile trying to convey to him with his facial expressions all the comfort he wanted to try to give him.
Akaashi seemed to understand without either of them having to say anything.
They sat there like that for a while neither moving or trying to talk about what happened.
With his arms wrapped around Akaashi’s middle.
Trying to transfer his warmth to the other.
Eventually they separated and headed back inside.
He never brought up Akaashi’s abrupt leaving, or his tear streaked face.
Just offered his silence like a blanket.
And together they walked out of the building before heading their separate ways.
Akaashi to an Lyft and Bokuto down the street on foot.