Chapter Text
One thing Asuka gifted me with was music. In this universe, she and I were violinists in an orchestra. We met at the first practice we had together; I was first violinist, and she was second. The second she met me she was jealous of me, and I could understand that, because in her eyes I had taken something from her.
We played together in the orchestra without an interaction for months. It was agony not being able to talk to her; I never was able to. However, time does a funny thing where it cycles over and over again. It was a rainy day, and Asuka forgot her umbrella.
So, I sat with her after practice, because she looked sad, and I was longing to listen to someone again. I listened to her behind the stage, where she couldn’t see me, and she played a dismal tune of longing and holiness.
If she is a saint, I am an angel. She is good and holy, and I am only one amongst many.
Soon, she noticed me, after I tripped over myself in the backstage.
“Hello? Who’s there?” she inquired.
I stepped out from behind the curtains and looked at the floor.
“First. What a surprise, I thought you’d be too busy being pretentious and posh to stick after orchestra.”
“I am not pretentious.”
“What-ever, you like, barely talk to anyone. We all know you think you’re too good for that.” scoffed Asuka.
“That isn’t true. It is the other way around.”
“You mean, you don’t think you’re good enough to talk to us? Jesus, that’s pitiful.” Asuka looked at me with disgust on her face.
“No, I don’t think I’m good enough to talk to just you.”
“Then why don’t you give me your chair?” she jeered.
“I would in a heartbeat, if it were allowed.”
“You- don’t be such a baby! You worked for that chair, we all know it, okay, First? Jesus, even I know I’m not even close to your level.”
I furrowed my brow. “No, you are better than me. Perhaps not technically, but you have emotion. My playing is too technical.”
“Which is why you’re perfect for being the first, because your playing is literally technically perfect. My ‘emotion’ or whatever would mess everyone up,” she huffed.
“I don’t agree.”
“Whatever! You’re probably only here because you wanted to make fun of me, and now that you’ve gotten caught you’re just making shit up so I don’t feel bad. Well, I’ve got news for you, first! You’ll never be able to break me down, not ever, because your little attempts at bullying are pathetic compared to the shit I’ve gone through, so you can just-”
“Bullying?” I said, puzzled. “ I never meant to bully you, Asuka, I promise.”
“You do!” she choked. “You glare at me, don’t talk to me, you don’t even LOOK at me apart from the glaring-”
“I don’t talk to you because I thought I couldn’t, and I don’t mean to glare.” I strode over to her side and handed her my umbrella. “You should go home. It’s very late, and it will get dark soon.”
She paused and stared at the umbrella. “You know what,” she said through gritted teeth, “I think I’ll take advantage of your pity. You’re not getting this back,” she spat.
“Of course,” I smiled. “I was meant to give it to you.”
Asuka flushed, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”
“Goodbye, I’ll see you next practice,” I hummed.
“Fucking, whatever! Bye, first.” Asuka trudged to the door of the amphitheater. “I hope I don’t see you next practice!”
I was not hurt by her words, because I was so charmed at the fact that I had gotten to talk to her after months of longing. I would never be hurt by Asuka, neither by her words or her actions. The pain she causes me is not relevant. I’ve caused myself more pain than any insignificant thing she could do to hurt me.
Next practice I was greeted by Asuka handing me the umbrella I gave her. I shook my head and gave it back. I meant to give it to her, after all.
During practice I noticed she kept messing up, and I think she got more frustrated every time I shot her a look of pity during runs. After practice, I went behind the curtain again to watch her play, but I think she knew I was there, because she kept getting frustrated and groveling about me. Finally, I came out from behind it and just sat next to her, violin in hand. She noticed me, but did not say a word. I started to play, she started to play. We went through the entire piece, and every time she messed up I would wait, then start again. Once we played the entire thing without messing up once, she turned to me with a smile, before it shifted into a glare.
“Thanks, I guess. But I don’t need your pity, I could have done it on my own.”
“I know.”
We didn’t speak after that. I got up and put my violin away, and so did she. We walked out of the theater together.
Next practice was a lot more pleasant; she did not mess up once, and neither did I. We both stuck after that time and she put a different piece up on her stand.
“Can you help me with this one?” she said, shyly.
I smiled and nodded, and we started the same routine we had the day before. Hours passed and the sun came down, so I asked if she’d like to be walked home.
“Why would I need that?”
“For safety reasons.”
“I mean, I guess if you really want to, it’s okay…”
From then on, after every practice we would play together then walk home. Once I played her the song she taught me so long ago on violin: Lent et Douloureux.
“You should play that for the concert,” she told me.
“We should play it together,” I said, and I put my hand on hers. She smiled back.
“Sure, but only if I get the main part,” smirked Asuka.
“Of course, what other part would you play?”
She giggled. “I can’t believe I used to hate you.”
She leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered, “Hey, First, let’s go somewhere else on our walk today.”
“It’s dark though, we shouldn’t go somewhere unfamiliar or something bad might happen.”
“It’s not unfamiliar to me, don’t worry.”
She ended up taking me to a karaoke place. It was called Uta Hiroba, and when we walked in I already felt nervous. I tried telling her I couldn’t sing, but she wouldn’t let me back out.
“Everyone can sing, dummy. Personally, I have a feeling you’re a great singer.”
“You’ll get your feelings betrayed. I’m no good at all,” I giggled.
She took the keys from the attendant and we went to our room. The room was a bright lemon yellow, adorned with posters of pop-stars I was unfamiliar with and advertisements for overpriced karaoke food. We ordered some anyways, or, at least, Asuka ordered a triple-layer parfait and I ordered water for 500 yen. It was so expensive, but I took the bill because I wanted to do something nice for Asuka.
“You’re always giving things to me,” she said. “I should give something to you.”
“You’ve given me enough as it is. You don’t need to-” I started, but Asuka was already ruffling through her bag to find something.
She handed me a small figurine; it was a little rabbit, soft and fuzzy.
“I named it Nashi, but you can name it something else if you want,” she smiled.
“No, Nashi is fine.” I put the rabbit in my pocket, where it would stay through lifetimes. “Let’s get started, shall we?”
“We shall!”
Asuka sang for many hours until her voice got tired. I didn’t sing once. I loved hearing her voice over and over again, even when the grain of weariness became noticeable and she started having cracks in her voice. I loved hearing her smile through misspoken words, and I loved hearing her garbled pronunciations of English lyrics. I loved the way her mouth moved when she sang, and I loved her so hard it hurt me to love her more, but I was used to the pain, so I loved again.
“Why don’t you sing a song?” she asked me.
“No, I shouldn’t. Your voice is so lovely as it is.”
“Oh please, you’d probably upstage me like you do every other time,” she grumbled. “Here, I’ll pick a song for you and you’re gonna sing it, I don’t care what you say.”
I laughed. “Alright, fine, but if I sound awful, please do not cover your ears, it would make me feel bad.”
She leaned close to my face and tapped my head. “I promise. After all, you didn’t do that for me, and I know I sound awful.”
She didn’t sound awful, she sounded like a songbird. But, I couldn’t tell her that or I would scare her away.
The song she picked out for me was strange, something about plastic love and strangers, and I was sure I sounded awful, but Asuka clapped along to the beat like she was at a concert. We laughed together and I laughed through the song, because for the first time I didn’t care if I sounded bad or if I sounded like an angel, I only cared about her. She looked beautiful in the multi-colored disco lights.
When the song was over, I saw her sleeping. I wasn’t too upset, it was nice to see her sleeping, but then I realized I couldn’t get her home if I woke her up. I decided I wouldn’t wake her up; I picked her up bridal-style and carried her out the karaoke bar like a princess. I’m much stronger than I look.
I didn’t know where she lived, so I took her home, although I wasn’t quite familiar with the way. I called over a taxi. The driver looked at me strangely, but I was looking at Asuka. My home was cold and forgettable once again, but I remember it a little more than the others because it had her warmth in it again. I don’t remember much if it’s not about Asuka.
She didn’t wake up until I brought her home, but then she just fell back asleep. Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have an extra couch or bed. She’d have to sleep on mine with me. I flushed and I almost dropped her, but then I gently laid her on the bed and crouched on the floor. My face was hot and my hands were shaking. I felt exposed to all of Asuka. What would she even wear when she woke up? My clothes?? That was flustering to think about.
I climbed in the bed next to Asuka and tried to fall asleep, but I just ended up looking at her until some time in the middle of the night when I found her staring back at me.
“Am I at your house?” She whispered, and it brought me out of my trance. I nodded
She yawned and closed her eyes again, but she moved closer to me and I blushed. With her warmth, I was able to fall asleep. When I woke up, our arms were tangled together again. She was beautiful in the morning light; it lit up her hair like a fire, and I could see each and every freckle on her face. I wanted to count them, like someone would the stars. I wanted to make constellations by tracing my fingers among them. I reached out and almost touched them before her eyelashes fluttered and I hesitated, but then they went back down. She fell back asleep. I brushed the hair out of her eyes with my fingers and let them linger on her face. It was so warm to be next to her.
For hours we stayed like that, until finally she yawned and opened her eyes fully.
“Hello, first.” she giggled.
I stared back at her, wide eyed and face looking like a tomato. “G-good morning, Asuka.”
There was an awkward silence before I asked, “Would you like some coffee, or breakfast?”
She yawned again. “That depends, are you good at cooking?”
“I suppose you could say I am.”
She pressed her finger to my nose and pushed. “Well, I hope you’re as good of a cook as you are a singer,” smiled Asuka.
“Ah, I’m a terrible cook then, by your standards.”
Asuka laughed, and I got up to the kitchenette to warm up the coffee. I didn’t know what to make at first, but then I remembered she liked parfaits, so I got yogurt out of the fridge and adorned it with strawberry jam. I decorated it also with bran and blueberries, making it look like a perfect parfait; after all, “perfect” was the lowest of my standards. When I gave it to her, she poked at it and looked up at me, shocked.
“I didn’t expect it to look so...good!” she gobbled it up and left some yogurt on the corner of her mouth.
I dabbed at it with my finger to clean it. “Perhaps I was a cook in my past life,” I laughed to myself, because I had been. Then, the coffee machine beeped. “I’ll get you some coffee.”
Out of all the things I cook, coffee is my least favorite. It’s very hard to mess up, and I often do. I was quite afraid to make it for Asuka. When I handed her the coffee, she tasted it and made a face.
“Okay, so maybe you’re not perfect.”
I laughed, because I was never perfect. How could I be perfect when a piece of me was missing?
“I don’t blame you if you want to leave now,” I said, worrying.
“I think I’ll stay,” she held my face.
And she stayed until we had our next practice. It was quite nice; we sat on the couch together and watched meaningless television with her laying on me. I almost felt like we were perfect.
Next practice of course, we were unstoppable. The director actually praised us in front of the orchestra; we were completely in harmony. We decided we’d go out for drinks after, to celebrate. We were going back to the karaoke bar when she told me she couldn’t think of a time without me being there, and I told her I never wanted to remember a life without her.
The karaoke bar was just as bright as we exited in the middle of the night. I called over a cab, but it would take a while to get there, so we decided we’d just walk. It was just me and Asuka, in the night rain. It soaked us completely, and we laughed together like it was just a minor inconvenience. By coincidence, I had forgotten the umbrella. Asuka said we didn’t need one because she liked feeling the rain on her skin. She was drunk, and kept laughing, and I laughed with her because I felt free.
For a while, that’s all I felt, and I didn’t want to feel anything else, until fear crept through my veins.
She was walking on the train tracks, trying to balance herself. I told her to stop but she wouldn’t; she kept going and balancing herself along the tracks. I saw the train coming, but she didn’t. I couldn’t look.
Time stopped for everything while the train hit her. I could feel the wind on my face but I couldn’t hear anything. My eyes refused to see; my ears refused to hear; I was a statue in the moment of her death. When I opened my eyes, I saw her mangled corpse hang over the railroad corpse. I was silent. This was the most brutalized I had ever seen her.
I remembered the last duet we played together, except I was on the piano and she was playing the violin. Again, it was Lent et Douloureux, the song of sadness and pain. When I pressed the opening key she took a deep breath, held her violin up below her chin, and started to play the song with everything she had. Our duet sounded like more than music, it sounded like emotion. All of the pent-up feelings I had held within me spilled out as we played our discordant duet. Tears rolled down my face as I hummed the melody.
Lilith came to me again.
“Would you like to try again?”
I was still in shock. Asuka had just died violently in front of my eyes, I wasn’t thinking correctly.
“Please, fuck, I need to see Asuka again. Please let me try again,” I pleaded.
So, Lilith raised her hand and I was reset.