Chapter Text
i.
Shelby jolts awake and scrambles away from your arms as soon as you touch her.
“Toni…” she moans more reproachful than anything, but she’s still half asleep and it’s mostly an incoherent mumble, “you always have such cold hands.”
You move gently next to her, the tip of your nose brushing against the warm skin of her neck and you take in her sweet scent of peaches.
“You weren’t complaining much about my hands last night-”
Shelby slams the pillow onto your face even though you still manage to catch a glimpse of her reddening cheeks.
When she finally retreats to your arms, you make sure to be careful with your hands, so that you’re touching only the waistband of her sleeping shorts while Shelby thrusts a hand in your wild and curly hair.
“Mhmm” she mumbles against your chest, “you feel good.”
“Weren’t you just saying how terrible it was waking up next to me a minute ago?”
You feel Shelby’s head shaking, “Never said that.”
It’s a rare occasion that you’re up before her because Shelby is usually the early riser between you two and she often greets you with morning coffee before class. But you’ve both slept in her dorm room last night and really there was less sleeping involved than you cared to remember.
“How did you manage to get Nora to fuck off for the entire night?”
“Language Toni.” Shelby sighs, “I didn’t need to do much convincing actually, she was staying with Quinn anyway.”
You nod your approval even though it gets ignored.
“Here.” Shelby offers her palms after a moment and you raise an eyebrow, “Your hands are cold, let me warm them up.”
You smirk mischievously, “I know a better way we could do that.”
Shelby rolls her eyes but she chuckles and it’s genuine, “Tease.”
She takes your hands between hers and you can feel her working her way up and down your fingers in a loose massage. Your fingers slot together in and out constantly and you just look at her mesmerized, because even in the morning, with her hair tousled and eyes puffy of sleep, Shelby looks absolutely breathtaking.
When she’s sufficiently satisfied with her work, she raises your hands to her mouth and kisses your knuckles and then the tip of your fingers one by one.
“There. Much better.”
You swallow and the next thing you know is that you're kissing her passionately. And you don’t care neither of you has washed up properly and the clock is ticking because everything else can wait, you need Shelby now.
She’s panting heavily when your lips reach her neck and then she’s scratching your back when you’re trailing kisses down her collarbone, her rising chest, spending time on her breast, nipping at her stomach and kissing softly her navel piercing that drives you crazy.
“Someone’s eager, uh?”
You look back at her from your position with a grin, she’s biting her lower lip and one of her hands is pushing your head down.
“Please Toni, no teasing.” she pants, staring at you with a mix of pure lust and love in her hooded eyes, “I want you.”
And it’s all you need to yank down the rest of her clothes and bury your face between her thighs.
***
You barely make it on time for class but Shelby is laughing all the way there and she pulls you by the collar of your jacket for one last kiss before you part ways.
ii.
You have a weird habit to call everything a date.
example 1:
“Wanna go study at the library together with Martha and Leah tomorrow?”
“It’s a date.”
Shelby rolls her eyes and keeps brushing her long blonde hair carefully but she’s smiling at the mirror and it’s directed at you.
example 2:
“Fatin is throwing a party at the end of the week.” you slump on the bed and throw your duffel bag to the floor, exhausted after basketball practice.
“Are we going together?” Shelby raises her eyes from the book she’s reading.
You grin back at her teasingly, “Are you asking me on a date, Shelby?”
Shelby scoffs a laugh, “Even getting McDonald’s sounds more a date than going to one of Fatin’s parties.”
“It’s a date.” you decide anyway.
example 3:
“Oh Lord, are you sure we shouldn’t bring her to the hospital? I’m pretty sure she has a concussion.” Shelby asks Martha.
You grimace at her alarmed tone.
“It was just a fall, Shelbs, happens all the time in basketball.” you try to be convincing but you really can’t help the wave of nausea that hits you and suddenly you're emptying your stomach in the parking lot outside the gym.
Shelby’s eyes widen and it would be almost comical if you didn’t feel so dizzy and everything could stop spinning.
“That’s it, we’re going to the hospital.”
So you pile up into her car and rest your head on Martha’s lap while Shelby drives to the nearest ER.
Soon they’re calling your name for check-ups and Shelby’s giving you a concerned smile and— is that a thumb up? God, you would definitely tease the shit out of her later.
“I’ll see you in a bit.” she says, nodding more to herself than you.
“It’s a date.”
She looks at you like she’s torn between wanting to kiss you or slap your dopy grin away.
bonus:
“So, there’s this new Italian restaurant opening near the campus.”
You’re busy with a last-minute biology quiz but her voice still pulls your attention back, “Uh-uh… would you like to go check it out?”
“It’s a date.” she says triumphantly.
It takes you a moment to actually register that she has successfully beat you this time, and she looks so pleased with herself that you can’t help standing up from the chair and pull her by the hips into a searing kiss.
Quiz be damned.
iii.
“So, how serious is this thing between you and Shelby?”
Your eyes snap up alarmed, “You can’t fuck my girlfriend, Fatin.”
The room goes silent and Fatin stares at you half offended before bursting out in a laugh. She laughs so much that tears pool at the corner of her eyes.
“Holy shit, Shalifoe, you’re such a bitch.”
You gauge at your own foolishness and flip Fatin off, which only makes her laugh louder.
“You know, I would really be offended by your insinuation if you weren’t such a dork whenever your girlfriend is mentioned. Also, like, for your information, I have one too and I’m not a cheater.”
“Yeah, whatever, what do you want?”
Fatin kicks at your calf and it stings, but you’re not about to give her the satisfaction to know.
You’re both in your room and you’re supposed to study, but Fatin keeps getting distracted and you start to understand the amount of insane patience Shelby must have to put up with your study sessions and all the times you beg her for five minutes of cuddles that always end up in a half-hour make out session.
“I just wanted to know where you’re at, like did you meet the parents or some shit?”
“Why? Is Leah asking you to meet the fam and you’re getting cold feet?”
You tease and Fatin kicks at you again, but this time you grab her foot in time and your grasp is too strong for her to move.
“Asshole,” she growls at you but finally relents, “can’t you just answer the damn question?”
You huff and, okay yeah, she might have a point, you can be a bit of an asshole at times.
“No, I haven’t met her parents and I’m not really eager to.”
“Why? Bad blood?”
“I don’t know much, to be honest,” you shrug and it’s true, “Shelby doesn’t speak that much about her family. Apparently, they were the prototype of the perfect Christian and traditional family and they made her life a living hell when they found out she was gay.”
“Yikes.” Fatin comments and you can read it in her face that she’s genuinely sorry.
There’s more to the story that you know of, but Shelby has confided in you and, anyway, you’re not about to tell Fatin that your girlfriend’s parents tried to send her to a conversion therapy camp and tried to blame her best friend’s death on her.
“Wait, we keep calling her your girlfriend, but did you even ask her first?”
You throw the first pillow you can grab at Fatin’s head and she muffles some profanities at you but she totally had it coming.
***
It seems like Shelby has caught wind of your conversation with Fatin because not even a couple of weeks later she asks you to go back to Texas with her for Thanksgiving.
You accept even though she’s not shy in telling you what to expect from her parents.
You keep repeating it can’t be that bad, but then she mentions how her dad used to — maybe still does — run conversion therapy sessions in the living room of her house and that shuts you up. You think you can finally understand why she needs you there, why she wants you of all people to be there by her side.
When you reach Fort Travis her parents greet you both at the airport quite coldly. They don’t exactly know what to do with you there, and it’s not like they’re not expecting you to be there because Shelby has told them. It’s more that maybe they wished it was all a big joke made up by their daughter to piss them off.
But it’s not. And now you’re there, holding Shelby’s hand so tightly you suspect you’re hurting her, but she doesn’t let go of you, only squeezes back and presses a kiss to your cheek.
“Ignore them as much as you can,” she whispers to your ear while her parents are putting your suitcases in the trunk of the car, “you’re here with me, just me. I will show you around and we’ll be out of sight most of the time.”
You love her for how easily she’s able to detect your moods and knows exactly what to say to make you feel better.
***
Turns out, it’s not that easy to ignore Shelby’s parents, especially when they keep throwing questions at you that look more like curveballs. But you try to be as gracious as you can and if it takes a lot of punches to the pillow pretending that it’s Shelby’s dad's face, well, so be it.
Fort Travis is quite small and you get to visit most of the places that Shelby has talked to you about. She recalls some of her high school adventures and you’re both grateful and not to be given a glimpse into her younger years.
“I used to feel guilty because I was lucky, I knew I was lucky for many things.” Shelby tells you with a bittersweet smile, “I had a family that loved me and friends and I didn’t struggle with money or— ” she exhales heavily, “I was not myself, and everything was conditional to the expectations they had of me.”
You’re not sure what kind of comfort to offer because you’re not good at such things, so you mumble a quiet, “That sucks. I’m sorry.”
Shelby chuckles and only holds onto your arm with a steadier grip, like that’s enough to chase away the demons of her teenagehood.
“It’s fine Toni, I’m not, like, fishing for sympathy… I just want you to know me, the real me.”
Shelby sinks her teeth on her lower lip, “When I was with Andrew, part of me was still hiding and everything was so… fake, y’know?” a pause, “I don’t want it to be like that with you. I want to love fully, freely, without being scared of it.”
You swallow heavily because Shelby is looking at you like you’re the most precious thing in her life and you feel it growing inside you, all the reason why she’s the right one. It feels ridiculous because you’re not in a movie and there’s no end to dread while Shelby is holding your hand and stroking a hand through your curls.
You briefly think back at Fatin’s question.
How serious are things between you and Shelby? Well, you don’t know how to measure that really.
But she pulls you in for a kiss and there’s a warmth spreading inside your chest and you feel more at peace than you’ve ever been.
iv.
In summer, you invite Shelby to stay with you and Martha in Minnesota and she does, despite having to get back to Texas at some point.
She’s nervous at first because you’ve talked a big game about how much the Blackburns mean to you.
“I mean, it’s probably because of them that I didn’t end up sleeping on the streets or, I don’t know, in juvie or whatever when I was younger.”
Shelby groans and buries her face on the pillow, “Great. Now I’m even more anxious to meet them.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re your family, Toni.”
And, well, shit Shelby has a point — you’re actually asking her to meet the people that you consider more family than your biological one.
But things go well because Martha is enthusiastic to have Shelby around and Bernice and Russell adore her too like you’ve suspected, and Shelby lets herself just be after the first couple of days.
She helps them in the kitchen and spends time playing with Martha’s younger sisters and you go out for walks, soaking up all the sun that Hopewell Lake can offer. You picnic with Martha’s family at the lakeside and go for morning runs and night walks together.
Shelby holds your hand and kisses you in public and looks so happy to just be by your side, to the point that you believe you must’ve done something extremely fucking good in some previous life to be able to call Shelby yours in this one.
The Blackburns have cleared their basement and rearranged it as a guest room to host Shelby and you laugh when you see the double mattress they have put down for her.
“I used to sleep in Marty’s room, but I guess they figured we would want some privacy now.”
Shelby looks half mortified, “Oh Lord, they probably think we’re having like a sex dungeon in here.”
You stifle another laugh and stare at Shelby pointedly, “Are we not having sex here?”
“Toni!” she swats at your arm, “It’s your family’s house. I’m not about to make them feel embarrassed under their own roof.”
“They don’t care precisely because they are family to me.” you roll your eyes good-naturedly, “I’m pretty sure they’d actually be glad to know we’re not, like, restraining ourselves and shit.”
“Jesus, no, no, no.” Shelby shakes her head decisively, “It ain’t happening.”
You quirk an eyebrow at her, because really? But you’re willing to see how this will play out.
***
Her resolution lasts for a total of four days before you’re both tumbling in bed halfway naked, clothes tossed around uncaringly and Shelby’s muffled plea in your ear.
“At least let’s be quiet.”
“We never are.” you mumble back between kisses to her neck and nips at her collarbone, one hand working the bra open.
“Let’s try.” and it’s more of a groan this time because even Shelby must know it’s a lost battle.
***
Shelby meets Regan when you’re least expecting it.
But it also goes much better than you’re expecting.
And, sure, maybe that’s your fault because you’ve imagined them rolling on the mud and fighting for you.
That’s really fucking stupid — you’re aware, thank you very much — but it was funny to imagine for a moment.
Shelby smiles at Regan politely and shakes her hand and when you introduce them to each other none of their smiles changes.
You sit in the middle of them like you’re ready for control damage if things go out of hand. But nothing goes, and Shelby and Regan seem mostly happy to be given a chance to roast you with teasing jokes.
It feels a little bit like being thrown in a parallel universe but it’s a good one so you don’t complain.
***
“She was nice.” Shelby tells you at the end of the day.
“Uhm?”
“Regan.”
“Oh… yeah she was— I mean is, she’s nice.”
Shelby chuckles lightly, “Toni, you don’t need to walk on eggshells. She was your ex, I get it and that’s fine, we all have a past.”
You nod because Shelby is right and of course she’d be fucking amazing to even get along with your ex.
You don’t think you could ever get along with Andrew the douchebag. But that’s another story.
“I fucked things up with her really badly when we dated.”
Shelby is silent for a long while to the point that you think she’s fallen asleep, but when you turn around you find her staring at the ceiling pensively and then back at you.
“You know, if you feel the need to talk to her, to explain or make things better or whatever— you can.”
“Would that be okay with you?”
You ask to be sure because the last thing you want is to upset Shelby or ruin what you both have, but she smiles at you understandingly.
“Of course. You’re free to do what you feel you have to do, okay?”
“Okay.”
And then, right before you can fall asleep.
“Hey, Shelbs?”
“Uhm?”
“I’m like really—uh really fucking in love with you.”
Shelby shifts on the mattress and kisses you right above your ear.
“I’m really in love with you too, dummy.”
v.
It happens at the beginning of Shelby’s senior year.
You’re fresh from graduation and the Minnesota Lynx reach out with a great deal for you and ask you if you’ve considered going pro after university.
And, really, that’s a fucking big dream of yours coming true.
You’re so ecstatic that you don’t fully realize what it would entail at first.
“You would have to, like, move away,” Martha says and you roll your eyes at her with a good-natured smile.
“Well duh Marty, I know that Minnesota Lynx are back in Minnesota.”
“It’s quite away from here.”
“What’s your point?” you ask matter of factly because you don’t like to feel like an idiot out of the loop.
“I mean, what are you and Shelby gonna do?”
You frown almost offended by the insinuation, there’s only an obvious answer to that, “I’m not breaking up with Shelby, no way.”
“You always said you’re not a fan of long-distance stuff.”
You shrug because Martha does have a point, but to you it’s just not a valid one.
“Yeah well, I was younger, and anyway we can make it work.”
“Have you at least told Shelby about the offer or asked her what she wants to do?”
***
Shelby is proud of you.
But not the type of fake or envious pride that you’ve seen on the face of some people, even some of your teammates at times. She’s genuinely proud and happy for you and she showers you in kisses to show you that.
“You deserve this.” she says and you have no doubt that she means it.
***
“So, like, Marty told me something a couple of weeks ago and I kinda cannot get it out of my head.”
Shelby is pouring over an important essay, but she raises her head and pushes the papers aside when she detects your serious tone.
For her last year, she has decided to share an apartment with Dot, Fatin and Leah and you playfully call them ‘The Four Horsewomen of UCLA’. It’s a dumb nickname but it sticks around somehow, to the point that they have named their private flat-chat that way. You’re an honorary member and the girls really consider you more of a flatmate than a guest anyway.
The rest of the time you’re at Martha’s apartment, but now she’s seeing a guy and you want to respect their privacy.
And avoid some traumatic situations that might have you walk in on them having sex.
God forbid.
“Okay,” Shelby nods, “out with it then.”
You take a deep breath, now that she’s giving you the chance to speak about it, you find it incredibly hard to find the words without sounding like a complete idiot.
“What is going to happen to us?”
Shelby blinks in absolute silence like she truly has no idea of what you’re talking about.
“What?”
“I mean, I signed a contract with the Lynx, right? So I’ll be going to Minneapolis and you’ll be here.”
“Okay, and?” Shelby still looks at you like you’ve completely lost your mind and you find it frustrating how your usual well-oiled communication is lacking right now.
You love Martha, you really do, but you wish she didn’t put those fucking nagging thoughts in the back of your mind lately.
“And,” you try more forcefully, to state a point, “I just want to know where we’ll stand.”
Shelby nervously taps a pen against the desk and takes her sweet time to reply, “Well, where do you want to stand?”
“No, no,” you shake your head like she’s getting it all wrong. And, seriously, you’ve already dreaded this conversation so much in your head, you could do without any further misunderstanding, “that’s not how it’s supposed to go.”
Shelby tilts her head to the side, there’s an ironic smile on her lips and you wonder if you’ve made a fool of yourself enough to turn a serious topic into a complete joke.
Or maybe you’re just missing an important piece. Yeah— maybe it’s that.
“Oh? And how is it supposed to go?” Shelby asks you with the same grin.
“You’re supposed to tell me what you want. We’re supposed to talk about it like mature people or some shit.” and you’re gesturing all over the air with your hands and Shelby seems thoroughly amused.
“Okay.” she settles in the end with a shrug, like both your hearts are not on the line in that same second, “I’ll tell you what I want.”
And now— do you really want to know? Do you really?
“I want you. I want us to be together. And I want us to try and speak if things are not going well. But I also want us to speak if things go well, because before we know we think we’re fine and then we’re not.”
You're grinning so widely that your cheeks hurt.
“So you want to be with me even if I’ll be away a lot?”
“Toni, I love you. I’ll always want to be with you.”
And it’s such a bold promise to make, but Shelby is looking at you with such tenderness and care and love that you feel your heart might explode.
***
You don’t remember exactly when you fell in love with Shelby Goodkind, and you think you might have very well been from the start.
There is no other explanation for the way she makes you feel.
vi.
It’s harder than you expect it to be.
Now that you’re a pro there are different schedules, different expectations to fulfill, but you’re happy because you’re living your dream, and isn’t that what matters? Isn’t that what you’ve fought for so long?
There are texts and calls and brief visits to catch up with your friends and to spend time with Shelby.
But it’s not easy and it’s exhausting at times.
Not her. Never her.
But the miles and the time in between.
The nights when you only want to feel Shelby’s body pressed against yours. You miss waking up with your face buried in blonde locks or the tip of her nose nuzzling your neck.
You miss her scent and her hands warming yours.
You miss her laugh— because it’s not the same over the phone.
You miss her green eyes burning into yours.
And suddenly it feels like you’re back after the first time of meeting her at that party, when you didn’t know who she was and your mind already dreamed of her like you knew already.
***
You promise each other to be there for the important moments.
So Shelby flies to Minnesota when your team wins the playoffs.
You see her again when you’re in town playing against the Los Angeles Sparks she surprises you with a date at the Griffith Observatory.
“Honestly it’s outrageous that we haven’t gone before.” she says and you agree, but all you want is to be with her, wherever that might be is less relevant.
You don’t backtrack from that statement, but you do end up loving the Observatory much more than anticipated. And then, just because you’re spending a few more days in town, you go to a bunch of farmers' markets all around.
Shelby buys matching flower crowns and takes pictures of you. One of them ends up on your Instagram — which is growing considerably given your new role in the Minnesota Lynx — and you want to tell the whole world how happy you are, how much you love Shelby, but decide to respect her privacy and she tells you she’s okay to keep you all for herself.
“The people important to us know. You and I know it. That’s all I care about.”
And you’re proud of her because from the stories you’ve heard, high school Shelby would’ve been so frightened of taking such a step.
***
“You wouldn’t have liked me back then.” she tells you one day in a laugh, but it’s bitter and you see right through it how much the thought of younger Shelby and what she went through still pains her.
“Of course I would have.” you state like you just know, “I would like you in every world, every dimension, every crack in space and time.”
She smiles sweetly at you but lowers her gaze right after.
“No, you wouldn’t have.” Shelby shakes her head, “Because I didn’t even like myself.”
***
For the most part, it goes well.
Challenging, but you’re both there and each step is a step you take together.
***
Shelby's graduation arrives in a breeze and you sweep her off her feet which is hilarious considered your height difference.
But Shelby is laughing in your ear with pure, unadulterated joy and she kisses you like her whole life depends on it. Like she’s grounding you both to that moment in time and space and nothing else could ever exist outside of your bubble.
“I love you so fucking much, Shelbs.”
She smiles on your lips between kisses, her arms are thrown around your neck and she’s playing with little curls there. Your face fits perfectly in her palms and her body feels so fucking right in your hands.
“Right back at ya!”
Dot forces you to turn around for a polaroid picture and you indulge her without breaking apart.
It’s your favorite picture of the two of you so far.
vii.
It’s a new beginning, you think.
Surely things will take a different turn now.
You try to remind yourself that fate can be good because it has given you Shelby, but it can also be messy and capricious and it takes no master.
And so a different turn things take.
***
“Wait what do you mean you’ve received a job offer in Manchester?”
You hear Shelby’s sigh on the other side of the phone.
“That’s exactly what I mean, I don’t think it could be any clearer.”
You shake your head even though you're aware she cannot see you, “Yeah, okay, but like… Manchester is fucking far away. Like Europe far away.”
“Yes, I know, Toni. Thank you very much for the input.”
There’s frustration in Shelby’s tone and you try to be mindful that it’s not easy for her too.
“And what are you— I mean, are you thinking of going?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not… what if I did?”
“What if you did?” you repeat because yeah— what if she did?
“You’re not helpful, Toni.” she grits her teeth.
“Well, what the fuck do you want me to say, Shelby?” you can feel your own agitation rise and you start pacing all over your apartment, your jaw clenching and unclenching almost painfully, “It’s not a decision I can make for you.”
“That’s not what I am asking you.”
“Then what are you asking me?”
Shelby takes a deep, shaky breath, “I’m asking you to tell me what do you think, what do you feel, what are we going to do?”
And that’s the part your brain decides to latch onto, “What are we going to do? What does that even mean? We’ve already done long distance for a while.”
“Yes but I was not in Manchester, was I?”
No. No. No.
You can feel the knot at the pit of your stomach tightening and there’s a burning in your chest like you’re about to vomit if that phone call doesn’t end soon.
“Then maybe you tell me what you want, Shelby. It looks to me like your mind is already made up.”
There’s silence on the line, only the faint echo of your breaths. When Shelby speaks again it’s like a booming speaker going off near you.
“I want us to be honest with each other, Toni. Yes, we’ve done long distance but it was different, and even then it was so fucking hard at times.”
Uh—oh situation is really bad if Shelby curses.
“How many times could we actually visit each other if I’m in Europe? How long ’til messages become sporadic and we start to ghost each other? How long ’til we start pushing each other apart for the sake of other commitments?”
Her thick Texan accent is always back in full swing when she’s mad, but as much as you’ve grown to find it hot, it cannot distract you this time.
“That’s so unfair of you to say.” you spit out sourly, “You know I’d never do that to you.”
“And I’d never do that to you either.” Shelby is quick to reply, then lowers her voice, “But maybe that’s what we like to think.”
You can’t believe you’re having this conversation. Never in the foreseeable future you would’ve imagined it — and maybe that was your first mistake.
“So what are you saying, Shelbs?” you hate how much your voice trembles but there’s nothing you can do to help it.
“I’m saying that— I’m saying, well, I… don’t really know, Toni.”
There are loud voices on the other side of the phone.
“Look, I gotta go now, I can’t really talk more at the moment— but I’ll call you back, okay?”
“Wait, Shelby no! You can’t just leave like this!”
“I’m not leaving— I’m…” more voices, so loud you can barely make out her next words, “I’ll call you back.”
“Okay,” you relent in defeat, “later then.”
“I love you, Toni.”
She’s sincere, you can hear that, but your lips whimper and you don’t fight the tears when they come down.
***
When Shelby calls back it’s much different.
She seems more decisive and your voices are both calmer and less desperate.
You wonder if it’s because you’ve finally started to realize the whole situation. Maybe you’re looking at it from a different perspective, like the adults you’re supposed to be.
Maybe you’ve already both stopped fighting.
You do your best not to think about that.
viii.
Shelby goes to Europe and she’s happy. Everything is a new wonder for her, and she loves her new job as a journalist.
You remember when she told you about it, how much she has kept it inside herself because her father didn’t really consider it a suitable option.
And now she’s out there in the world living her dream.
Which also means she’s away from you and you miss her like you miss no other.
But she’s happy — and that’s what you want to focus on.
Shelby’s happy and you’re still together and — god, that’s messy.
She calls you a lot, she texts you a lot and she’s even made a schedule listing off the best moments to reach out for each other given your time zones.
But every time you pick up your phone to reply to a text or a call, you’re left with a sour taste in your mouth. Like you’re both just prolonging the inevitable and fuck it feels like torture.
You love her and that never wavers, but you’re losing her and you can feel that too — or maybe it’s her losing you.
You’re not even sure which one of you is doing what at that point. You only know you’re hurting and there’s a primal need, an animal instinct kicking and screaming inside of you, begging you to make it stop.
[3:40] Toni
Please help me stop feeling like this…
Instead you send,
[3:42] Toni
I miss you. I love you.
***
“Shalifoe! Where’s your head today?”
One of the coaches yells from the sidelines during training.
And that’s where you draw the line. Or, well, that’s what you tell yourself because you have to draw the line somewhere and your basketball career might just be a convenient point.
You find a few messages from Shelby after training, as soon as you get back home.
[11:13] Shelby
Miss you too, baby. Wish you were here.
[12:46] Shelby
I’m done with work, if you’re free and if you want to you can call me.
And you’re free and you want to.
But you’re drawing a line.
The phone gets tossed in the bedroom, where you can’t see or hear it, and you drop on the couch like a heavyweight and start a new show that Martha has been begging you to watch for ages.
***
“Hey, this is Shelby, if you’re hearing this I can’t come to the phone right now but please leave a message.”
Fuck— you hate voicemail but you still hope your frustrated sigh doesn’t get recorded.
“Hey Shelbs, it’s me, I think you’re in that important meeting you talked about. I just wanted to say sorry for not being around, the past few days have been nuts with the team and well— whatever, maybe we can do something this weekend? Like a movie maybe? I don’t know, call me back when you can.”
Shelby calls you back and as soon as you hear her voice, you understand how fucking blurry that line you’ve been trying to draw is.
***
Shelby falls asleep while you’re watching the movie together during the weekend and you smile to yourself at how beautiful and at peace she looks.
There was a nervous energy flowing from both of you that night, like a bomb ticking before going off, like none of you were sure of what to do or say without upsetting the other and ruin the good mood.
And you wonder when did you both allow the other to feel more a stranger than a loved one.
You look at her dozing off peacefully on the couch of an English apartment, so far away that your heart aches, you touch the screen in the faint hope that she can feel your caresses. Maybe she's even dreaming of you.
The movie has a sad ending, but the tears you wipe off your cheeks have nothing to do with it.
With one eye on the camera, you open a new tab on your laptop and book flight tickets for Manchester.
ix.
Shelby cries in your arms at the airport and you hug her so tightly you’re scared she might not be able to breathe for a few seconds. But then she pulls you closer for a searing kiss in the middle of the airport and, really, fuck anything else because you’ve missed her so much.
She doesn’t have a car because “well, I straight up refuse to drive on the left side of the road” and so you take a taxi to reach her apartment.
You hold her hand for the entire ride and she looks at you with such awe, like you could disappear from one moment to the other.
“I can’t believe you’re really here.” she whispers in your ear.
When you turn around to leave a sweet kiss on her lips, her eyes flutter close.
“Does that help you believe that I am really here?”
She hums and then she’s kissing you again, “Maybe I need a million more to be really sure.”
You chuckle, “Then I’ll give you a million more.”
***
When you’re lying next to her that night, with her head on your chest, all the pain that your heart has been bearing lately dissolves and you’re truly convinced that you could do anything with her by your side.
Except that you only have a handful of nights in Manchester and the pain will be back.
And you have to draw a line somewhere.
You have to. You have to. You have to.
***
A few days are grey and rainy and you stay inside with Shelby, simply happy to enjoy her presence. Being in each other’s space is so easy that it almost cancels all the time you’ve spent apart in the last two years.
When it’s sunny again, Shelby takes you around, hopping from a museum to the other and, despite something typically English that you’ve mostly only seen in movies, you understand why Shelby has fallen in love with the city.
You understand why she might want to stay here.
And it's not like she ever gives you a reason to doubt that her love for you is bigger than anything else. It’s just that love is not always enough.
Those fucking sappy movies must be rubbing off on you big time.
x.
“I think we should end things.”
Shelby’s face goes through a wide range of emotions in the shortest span of time — surprise, confusion, utter betrayal, and something else you can only describe as the purest expression of grief.
“W-what?”
“Yeah Shelby,” you sigh and slump your shoulders a little, like it’s just a random thought that crossed your mind and your own heart hasn’t been breaking and mending a thousand times over already, “this is not really working.”
“What’s not working?” she demands to know, “Us?”
“Just hear me out—”
“Hear you say what?” and now Shelby is properly mad, her face wincing in pain like someone’s twisting a knife inside her guts, “About how alone you feel in Minneapolis? You think I don’t feel lonely here? Your feelings are the only one legitimate?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“How long?” she almost growls, “How long have you been thinking about it?”
You swallow heavily, brain scrambling for an answer because you truly fucking don’t even know.
Evidently, your lack of an answer is an answer enough for Shelby, so you rush for words that tell at least half the truth.
"You don't understand, Shelbs... it's affecting how I play and your work, it's affecting everything. You told me that too. I couldn't imagine that not being physically together would tear us apart like this, but it's happening and I- I can't let this happen, Shelby. I can’t do that to you.”
Shelby’s shaking her head like she’s doing her best to physically reject your words, and you fear by the nauseous look on her face that she’s going to be sick any minute.
But you have to go on. The words are out and you cannot take them back.
“What if— what if we end up making each other freaking miserable for all the chances we missed? What if we keep trying and trying until we’re exhausted and nothing is left of us?”
She doesn’t reply.
“Please, tell me you understand.”
The green eyes are sharp in yours when she finally lifts her gaze and they burn right through your skin.
Maybe you were a match and she was the rock all this time, only waiting to be set on fire.
“You were my constant happy, Toni.” her voice is hoarse, scratching her throat, she looks absolutely wrecked and you hate to know you are the one doing this to her, “All this time— it was you, it was always you.”
“Maybe that’s what we need, Shelbs, to find ourselves again.”
She nods, even though the tears have never stopped, and she looks at you like she can’t imagine breathing without you.
You can. You can. You can — it’s the whisper in your mind, and you hope it can reach her.
Fate — the same one who made her find you, the one you want to blame for taking her away in the first place — must grant you one last wish. It must.
Let her be happy — you pray, perhaps for the first time in your life.
***
There’s an old message Shelby sent you. It sits on your phone unopened for a long time. And you think the night of your championship game is not the best time in the world to do that.
You do it anyway.