Work Text:
i.
“This doesn’t have to be about us.” Shelby tells you from her seat in the car.
“Uh?” you quickly glance at her and then back at the road to avoid slamming on the brakes.
“This reunion.” she clarifies, “I’m here for Martha’s wedding and I want her to have the best weekend of her life. So this is not about us.”
You are thoroughly confused about what exactly is this that Shelby is talking about. And of course she’s there for Martha, she couldn’t have made it more clear when you spoke on the phone.
You remember that because you were having a chill movie night with Martha, the kind of nights you used to have back in high school and college and that you rarely managed to get afterward.
***
“God, I can’t believe I got you to agree to watch a sappy rom-com.” Martha says.
You shrug and the words tumble out of your mouth of their own accord, “Yeah, well all the time spent with Shelby must’ve done something.”
Silence.
Oh no — you hate when the room gets still like that.
Martha clears her throat like she’s not sure if she should pick up on the comment or let it go.
“You heard anything from her lately?” she asks in the end.
You scoff bitterly, “Fuck off, Marty.”
“I’m serious Toni.”
“So am I.”
“I’ve invited her to the wedding.” your best friend presses.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
“I know you've invited her to the wedding.” you say through gritted teeth, trying to remain calm.
But when it comes to Shelby it’s always a recipe for disaster.
Your mind briefly wanders back to a time where it was the opposite, where the simple thought of Shelby used to make you feel at peace inside. It still does if you can get past all the rage that swells in your chest and maybe that stinging feeling of regret and plain heartbreak and fuck — it really doesn’t do you any good to think about her anymore.
When the movie ends and Martha excuses herself for a shower before bed, you switch channels and wait to hear the water running before picking up your phone.
It was not a good idea, not at all. And yet, despite the voice in your brain begging you to stop, you don’t.
Your fingers move across the screen with precision, like a pattern you’ve followed so many times — too many times — to ever forget. And the next thing you know is that the phone in your hand is making the call.
You hear the rings and you imagine Shelby, on the other side of the phone, of the world even, scrambling across the room to reach for it.
Your chest expands and compresses with every second and anxiety is pooling in the pit of your stomach. You can’t decide if you want Shelby to answer or not. Which one would you dread the most?
But you don’t have to wonder for long because the call goes to voice mail and you don’t bother to leave a message. What’s there to say anyway?
***
Turns out that Shelby really couldn’t come to the phone because the next morning you find a few texts waiting for you.
[1:30] Shelby
Toni??
Sorry I missed your call.
Did something happen?
Of course Shelby would think that something happened. What other reason would you have to call your ex-girlfriend otherwise?
You can’t be bothered to figure out in which time zone Shelby must be and — clearly with a sleep-fogged brain — you reply.
[8:30] Toni
Wanted to know how you were doing.
No.
[8:30] Toni
Was thinking about you.
NO.
[8:32] Toni
I miss you
Jesus fucking Christ…
[8:33] Toni
Are you coming to Martha’s wedding?
***
“I know.” you nod stiffly, eyes still on the road and you just keep driving.
Shelby is deejaying and usually you would put up a fight to avoid some songs, but you don’t find it in you to mind as she bops along on her seat to the various lyrics.
It’s only after you enter Hopewell Lake that Shelby turns off the radio.
“Toni?” she calls softly.
“Yeah?”
You stop at a red light and turn to her, Shelby’s frowning and her gaze is focused on your hand gripping the steering wheel so viciously that your knuckles are white. You haven’t even noticed that your hand is starting to cramp.
“Do you wanna go get some food in that diner you always talked about? I’m a bit hungry after the flight.”
“Danny’s?” you wonder how she even remembers after all this time. But it’s Shelby, and of course Shelby does.
She nods her head yes.
“Okay.” you agree and take the exit on your left instead of going straight for Martha’s house.
If Shelby’s lips raise at the corners when your posture relaxes against the car seat, you pretend not to notice.
ii.
Rachel and Nora are flying from New York, while Leah, Fatin and Dot from LA, and you are all staying at a hotel near Martha’s wedding venue. It’s probably the only decent one that Hopewell Lake offers anyway.
Normally, you wouldn’t think twice about settling in your old shared room with Martha at her house, but your best friend is having around more relatives than you can count and you really don’t feel to be a part of that mess. You’ve never liked weddings and Martha has been kind enough to exclude you from all the boring details.
Except you’re her maid of honor and you need to have a speech ready and it has to be perfect and—
“Look who finally decided to join us!” your attention is snatched back when you see Fatin running towards Shelby and Shelby smiling so contently that it warms your heart.
You’ve seen her so tense in the car that it’s a relief to know she still lets her guard down in front of your friends. it doesn't matter how much shared history is there between you two, your friends are family and that's not going to change.
Fatin takes her time, kissing Shelby’s cheek and squeezing her shoulders, and then she’s sizing you up with a smirk.
“Toni, baby, you look so fucking fit damn. What kinda water are you guys chugging in that team?”
You roll your eyes at Fatin good-naturedly because yeah, that’s Fatin and she’s family.
She hugs you tight and you think she whispers something in your ear that sounds a lot like “It’s gonna be fine, Toni.”
And you’re sure it will be fine because it has to be for Martha and even for Shelby.
***
The rooms’ arrangement says you’re with Leah, but Fatin — because she’s Fatin and she can — switches your card keys and winks at you in the lobby.
“Can’t miss my lady coming out of the shower and in such a nice bed.”
You’re left with your duffel bag and a shaking head while riding the elevator to the third floor and searching for the room.
When you open the door, Shelby is already unpacking her small suitcase and throws you a glance over her shoulder.
You remain on the threshold shifting your weight from one leg to the other, like she’s about to send you away sleeping on the fucking corridor.
But Shelby is calm and even lifts one corner of her mouth, “We rooming together?”
No - you want to say - no, it’s all Fatin’s fault.
“Uh yeah,” you say instead after a beat, jamming a finger behind your shoulder, “but I could ask if-”
It’s implicit really what you’re about to say and Shelby’s happy-go face falls like you’re rejecting her again.
It lasts maybe a second, nobody else might notice it but you do, and then she’s back to her usual smile.
“Don’t be silly, Toni. We can room together.”
You pick up the slight tremble on her voice, but nonetheless she’s sincere, and you feel doomed. Because there’s not a thing you wouldn’t notice or recognize about her even in a thousand years.
iii.
Martha has decided to skip a traditional bachelorette party because she refused to have one without all of you there, and too many commitments and deadlines were holding you back for a while.
So she invites you all to her house for a pre-wedding dinner, which really just is a bachelorette party in disguise but with less alcohol and — “No Fatin, I’m not booking strippers.” “But they would be for me, Toni.” “It’s Marty’s night.” “Yeah, and she has her main man already, throw me a bone.” “You have Leah, you know, your main woman?” “Well fine… then they would be for you. God knows you need to get laid, especially with Shelby there.” “Yeah, no, it’s not happening. No strippers.” —
Martha laughs when she tells you all the different excuses she had to use to free the house that night and you wonder what’s going to happen when her whole family will be back, but she tells you to relax and pushes a drink in your hand.
Oh well, if that’s how it’s going to be.
***
You feel pretty buzzed when you walk up the small stairs that will bring you to the roof of Martha’s house and you stay there, enjoying the cool breeze of the night and the smell of trees and just travel back in time with your mind to moments that are lost somewhere in the ether.
“There you are.” a soft voice greets you.
And it’s like years ago, when she found you for the first time in the maze of hallways and buildings at UCLA.
“Here I am.” you manage a small grin and your head turns to look at her.
Shelby sits next to you, careful not to ruin or stain her dress. She's not close that your bodies could touch even by mistake, but close enough that you could reach her if you just stretched your arm.
Even at that distance, your body buzzes like pure electricity is running through your veins. That's the effect she always has on you and you're not sure it will ever stop.
“Are you feeling okay? You kinda disappeared on everyone.” Shelby asks softly.
You shrug, “Just didn’t feel like playing alcoholic games and I needed some air.”
Shelby doesn’t say anything, she just looks up at the sky full of stars and inhales deeply.
“It’s always so beautiful here.” she doesn’t address you but your attention is all on her anyway, “Reminds me of the first time you brought me here. Remember that trip? It was my first time in Minnesota and I was cold all the time, even though you insisted it was perfectly fine weather.”
There’s a faint trace of a shared laugh echoing in the air. You loved that trip.
“It was summer and you still practically lived inside my jacket and refused to let go.”
Shelby swats at your arm playfully and you chuckle and it feels good.
“It was a nice jacket.”
A pause. Then.
“Jeez, it seems forever ago.”
You don’t reply to that and you can see Shelby taking a sip of her drink from the corner of your eyes.
It might be that you feel buzzed, but to you it doesn’t feel like forever ago. The kisses and touches. Everywhere your lips have pressed and marked the pale skin.
And you could swear that if someone dusted you for fingerprints, they would still find Shelby everywhere on your body.
You want to feel that way again and you wonder if she does too. Especially at night, when the bed is too big and cold and the dark room seems to hold its breath with you in it.
But you can’t.
Would she take your hand if you reached out? Would she—
“Toni?”
“Uhm?”
“I said that I'm gonna go back inside, I’m starting to feel chilly… actually I might even say goodbye to the others and go back to the hotel, but you can stay more.”
“I think I might have left my key card in the room.” you frown and touch your pockets to make sure, “Would you prefer I roomed with someone else tonight so I don’t wake you?”
“No. It’s okay,” Shelby shrugs, “I’ll leave your card at the front desk, come back when you’re ready.”
And it feels like more, but it always does with Shelby, and you’re not sure if you should read between the lines anymore.
If she’s still waiting for you.
iv.
Martha’s wedding is everything you can imagine and then more. The way Martha and Alex look at each other could light up the entire room.
You think you’ve got used to seeing people looking so in love with each other, but these two are on a whole new level.
It’s almost a sick joke because it is the kind of love that you’ve experienced yourself but it’s not yours anymore.
“Aren't you going to dance?”
You startle from your seat at the near end of the table. Shelby is looking at your innocently, head tilted to the side and you raise the glass of champagne as an answer.
“I think I'll wait the next round.”
She rolls her eyes good-naturedly, “You already said that the last three times Dot and Fatin came here."
“Were you spying on me this whole time?”
It’s meant to be playful but Shelby seems taken aback, the hesitation only lasts a few moments before she smiles shyly.
“You're the prettiest girl tonight- always actually, it's hard not to notice you in here or... everywhere really.”
You blink at her with amazement because you can’t believe you’ve heard right.
You think she might regret the words as soon as they leave her mouth but then Shelby is blushing and now you’re sure you haven’t imagined it.
“Why thank you, princess. You're not so bad yourself.” you land the joke swiftly and can almost feel Shelby’s sigh of relief.
“Dance with me?” she offers her hand and, really, you’ve never been able to tell her no.
Shelby’s skin is soft - exactly like you remember - and her perfume is intoxicating.
You’ve missed that close proximity. The way her body seems to mold against yours like they were made for each other. Or the light weight of her arms clasped around your neck, barely playing with the short curls at the nape of your neck.
You inhale her in, deep within you, and press your hands on her hips, the feel of Shelby so close to you is enough to melt your brain.
She moves forward a bit, her lips dodging your cheek and finding the shell of your ear.
You hold your breath, scared of what she could do or say if she only heard how fast your heart was galloping inside your chest.
She seems to read your thoughts, because her lips leave a feathery kiss right below your lobe and she whispers, “I’ve missed this too.”
***
The rest of the night goes by. You hug Martha tighter than you’ve ever done before, admiring her wedding ring and telling her how proud and happy you are for her and she wipes off your tears and kisses the top of your head.
“You deserve this kind of happiness too, Toni.”
***
You leave the venue late at night and you’re all piled on the car that Rachel has rented on top of Leah of all people. Dot makes a few jokes and you all laugh and it feels so good you could cry.
You realize just how much you’ve missed the girls and what you would give to spend more nights like this. Where the past and the future don’t matter and there’s only the present moment.
Shelby sneaks glances at you from the rear mirror and when she meets your eyes you both smile, like you’re sharing a secret. And somehow maybe you are. You’re just not sure which one yet.
***
In the hotel room, Shelby beats you to the bathroom sink to wash her face clean of make-up and you knock your hip against hers while you brush your teeth.
She laughs and splashes some water at your face and it’s silly and exhilarating.
And when she looks at you so — so — intensely, you wonder if she can feel the slight buzz in the air, the way your hands are aching to just reach out and touch.
You wonder if she’s thinking the same thing you are.
— If I could do it all over again with you, I swear I’d make it right —
***
“Martha looked so beautiful in that dress today.” Shelby says once you’re both in bed.
There are two single beds in the room and maybe Fatin has actually made you a favor because you’ve seen her room with Leah and there was only a king-size.
“I can’t believe my baby sister got married.” you pretend to sniff.
Shelby chuckles but it’s humorless, “I use to dream of my big wedding all the time when I was little. Now I think it was more my parents excited for me than my real fantasy.”
“No doubt the biggest wedding in the whole of Texas.”
The mocking earns you a pillow to the face from the other side of the room.
“Growing up it started to look more like something I might actually want and less of a fantasy.”
There’s an unspoken question forming in the back of your mind, but you’re not sure Shelby wants to hear it, you’re not even sure you should say it out loud.
“You know, I’m not sure how Tony Romo’s wife would feel about you wanting to snatch her man.”
There’s a scoff, “You’re impossible, Toni.” and you can imagine Shelby shaking her head even though you can’t see her.
Minutes pass in silence and it looks like Shelby might have fallen asleep, so you’re surprised and suddenly attentive when she pulls you out of your daze and whispers in the dark.
“It was you, it was always you at the altar waiting for me.”
v.
You all have flights back at different hours the day after the wedding, and despite Rachel’s offer, you insist to be the one to drive Shelby back to the airport.
“I have to leave to get back to Minneapolis with the team anyway.” you shrug like it’s no big deal.
It’s not, in fact, but after last night’s confession it kinda feels like it is. You’re not sure if it’s all in your head though.
Shelby agrees and spends the rest of her time packing her bag. She helps you fold your suit neatly before you can make a mess out of it and then you’re both swinging by Martha’s to say goodbye.
You wish her and Alex a good honeymoon and a hushed “don’t come back pregnant,” which earns you a slap to the arm from your best friend.
“Must be good not having to worry about that, uh?” Martha shifts her gaze between you and Shelby like she knows something more.
Shelby just laughs along, “I wouldn’t mind a little Martha running around, but Toni might need more than 9 months to get used to the idea.”
And okay, how the fuck did you just become the butt of the joke?
You send Shelby a dirty glance but she smiles at you and, just like that, you drop the act.
“Let’s go princess, before I decide to leave your ass in the middle of the street.”
“You would never.”
***
“Do you want any help with your luggage or?”
Shelby shakes her head, taking her suitcase out of the trunk.
“I’m good, but thank you.”
“You ready for your, like, ten hours flight?” you try to cut the tension in the best way you know.
Shelby looks at you from the rolled-down car window and tilts her head to the side mildly confused.
“I’m just going back to Texas.”
“Texas?” you blink dumbfounded, “Like back home Texas?”
“Sort of, I mean I’ve landed a job in Dallas but it’s mostly temporary, and anyway I’m not really speaking much with my parents, so I’ve got no reason to go to Fort Travis.”
“I didn’t know you were back here.”
Shelby bites her lip and she suddenly looks more uncomfortable, like she would rather not have this conversation with you right now.
She exhales, “You never asked.”
You swallow down the knot in your throat because, well, yeah fair, you didn’t ask and you didn’t want to hear from her in the first place. Or so you thought because since that first time you called her at Martha’s house, you haven’t been able to remember why you have tried to stay away from her.
You can’t be mad at Shelby for respecting your space and so you get mad at yourself for even thinking you’d be able to escape Shelby at all.
God, it’s such a fucking mess.
“Toni?” she brings you back to the moment.
“Uh yeah— sorry, I’m here.”
“I better get inside.”
“Okay.”
But Shelby hovers like there’s something else on the tip of her tongue begging to come out.
“Toni?” she calls again in the end, “Don’t be a stranger again, please.”
All you can do is nod.
***
[14:25] Toni
How long ago did Shelby come back from Manchester?
[14:30] Martha
Like six months ago give or take. Why?
[14:32] Toni
Why didn’t you say anything?
[14:35] Martha
Well did you actually want to know?
And you’re not sure what to answer because if you knew, then maybe you would’ve done something stupid, like getting on a plane and reach Shelby in Dallas.
But not knowing at all — god, you don’t know which one is worse.
You feel out of the loop and Shelby has asked you not to be a stranger, but that’s almost what you’ve become to each other now.
And whatever you feel, you push it deep down because you don’t want to become strangers again.
***
You’ve been back to Minneapolis for a week when you decide it’s a good time to keep your promise and send Shelby a few tentative texts.
You’re barely grazing the surface instead of plunging right in like you used to do when you were younger, and that’s okay. You don’t want to ruin things with Shelby if there’s even the slight chance that they might get better.
She replies and seems enthusiastic that you’re both talking again. And you’ve never really agreed to stop talking in the first place, but that's what happened anyway.
It’s easy as that.
You craft some sort of routine without being conscious of it. There are no time zones keeping you both apart this time and it feels nice to think about Shelby’s text waiting for you after practice or a game.
***
[23:15] Shelby
Sorry about the loss, you played really well tonight.
I watched the game on TV.
[23:17] Toni
Yeah well some you win some you don’t.
Thanks for sticking around.
[23:20] Shelby
Of course. You’ll get them next time.
[23:23] Toni
If you watch the next game I’ll make sure to dedicate you some of the points.
[23:25] Shelby
That’s really sweet Toni.
I’m not sure I’ll be free, but I’ll do my best.
[23:27] Toni
It’s okay.
I don’t expect you to watch every single game just cause I’m on the team.
[23:30] Shelby
I used to watch all your games in shitty streams when I was in Europe.
[23:35] Toni
You missed me that much uh?
[23:40] Shelby
That much and some more.
***
There’s a time when Shelby video calls you for an apartment tour just because you’re curious and you asked.
Another time you watch a romantic movie that it’s totally cliché over Netflix party just because Shelby asked you.
And you begin to realize that maybe you would’ve both been able to overcome many of your problems if you just asked.
It’s a dangerous game because then you find yourself typing over the phone.
[19:45] Toni
Would you have stayed if I just asked you?
Would you go out with me again if I asked you?
Would you give us another chance if I asked you?
But you don’t send any of those texts, because you didn’t ask at the right time. And you can’t ask now.
***
There’s a rumor that spreads that you’re going out with a teammate of yours and it’s quick to catch fire with the media. You’re more alarmed than you should be for a woman that’s single and in charge of her own life.
[10:46] Toni
Whatever you read it’s bullshit.
You watch the message go on read and then your heart picks up when three dots appear on the screen because Shelby would not just leave you there hanging.
[10:51] Shelby
You don’t have to ask my permission to date someone, Toni.
[10:53] Toni
Fletch and I are just friends and teammates, we’re not dating.
Shitty media got it all wrong.
[10:55] Shelby
Okay.
I’ve got to get back to work now, we’ll catch up later.
vi.
You go visit your mother. It doesn’t happen often and it’s something you didn’t look forward to at the beginning.
Seeing your mom meant memories, and many of them were painful enough to make you want to curl up in bed and cry or smash something out of frustration.
But slowly, with time and patience — and a good deal of therapy — you have learned to associate some of the good things of your younger years with your mom. The visits stop becoming a burden or a duty and you start to look forward to them.
Your mom doesn’t always get better, but she tries and tries and she clasps your hand between hers so tightly at times that it makes you wonder if she’s hoping to make up for lost time.
It doesn’t work like that, but you’re both making an effort and that's something you've learned to appreciate.
Sometimes she looks at you like you’re still the tiny child running around the house and stretching your arms to be picked up.
Your dad has always been out of the picture so you never ask about him, but your mom throws bits and pieces of information here and there at times and you’re not sure what you’re supposed to do with them.
Martha suggests making a list, like amounting evidence for a crime scene— “You don’t need to be so morbid about it,” she tells you when you make the joke, “I just meant like… maybe you don’t care about him, and that’s fine of course, but at the same time it could be a way not to completely forget him?”
“Marty, I barely even know this man and all I have are second-hand information.”
But you sit on the conversation and the next time a visit with your mother comes around, you think that it’s not such a bad idea to make a list.
It’ll probably be brief anyway, maybe half a page.
***
The list is not half a page and the more you write about it, the more you strain your ears for new information that your mom can offer.
She would probably tell you the whole story if you asked, now that you’re old enough, but you never do. No, you prefer to wait until your dad comes around the conversation, circling like a ghost.
It’s funny that you never truly devoted that much attention to the thought that he might actually be dead somewhere, anywhere in the world. He could be in the next city, he could be nowhere.
Since you were little, the point has never been imagining him like a bad man or wishing him the worst things. It was always trying to forget that you could’ve been happy, the three of you. A family.
The one you always wished for and the one that you’ve found along the years with the Blackburns and with the girls. The one you imagined with Shelby one day.
***
You FaceTime Shelby, and even if it’s the middle of the night she answers.
There’s a fumble of covers on the bed, the bedside lamp turns on and there she is, rubbing the sleep away from her eyes.
“Toni?” she sounds alarmed, “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
You worry your lower lip with your teeth, feeling guilty and self-conscious for waking her up so suddenly — but oh well, what’s done it’s done.
“I’m okay, I just— I needed to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Shelby replies immediately.
No questions about why or if it’s a conversation you can have in the morning. She feels the urgency in your tone and maybe even the need you have for her at that moment, and that’s enough.
You tell her everything about the recent visits to your mom and she lets you speak, attentive and present without interrupting once.
She has never asked much about your family, relying on the information you would give and trusting that you would talk to her whenever you felt ready. But you’ve never been able to hide things from her for long, so really she knows pretty much everything.
Shelby doesn’t conceal the surprise when you talk about your dad and she looks at you with something akin to pride and amazement.
“That’s a big step, Toni.”
“It’s just a list.” you shrug.
“Not just because of that,” she shakes her head patiently, “you’ve always talked about him like a… person. Like he was nothing more than just a ‘whatever man’, y’know? And now, well— now it feels like you’re actually addressing him as your father.”
You think about it for a long moment.
“Yeah, but I mean it’s not like I’m going to search for him and we’ll get tight.”
“I guess not.” Shelby chuckles not unkindly, getting lost in her own thoughts.
You wonder if she’s thinking about her own father a few towns away that still refuses to see her as his daughter again.
“It’s for you that I am glad, T.” she says in the end — never mind your heart skipping a beat because she has not used that nickname in ages — “You don’t owe him anything, but if this is a way you can kinda make sense of his presence in your life, then I support you.”
“Thank you, Shelby. Really, you have no idea how much this means to me.” you smile at her, feeling bold after the loaded conversation, “Sometimes I genuinely don’t know what I would do without you.”
She grins back and you can swear her eyes have a teasing spark in them, but when she speaks it’s the most tender you’ve ever heard her, “Good thing I’m not going anywhere then.”
***
You don’t see Shelby for a few more months, until it’s almost Leah’s birthday and Fatin wants to surprise her with a reunion party and so you fly to Los Angeles.
Fatin pulls off the surprise perfectly and Leah is in actual tears before you can all greet her and wish her a happy birthday.
She kisses Fatin like her whole life depends on it and she couldn’t be happier, and you can’t help but stare at them with a bittersweet smile. You know that feeling and you know the look on their faces.
Shelby’s gaze meets yours from the other side of the room, there's a knowing smile on her lips and she’s looking at you in the same way.
***
You’re sprawled on the couch, taking more space than you’d ever need when Shelby’s body falls almost on top of yours.
She’s tipsy and giggles like whatever Nora was saying was the funniest thing in the world.
She shifts on your lap and nuzzles her nose against your cheek and you feel her breath close to you, so close that you could—
“I’m glad you’re here.”
You nod and carefully turn your head with a small grin of your own, “I’m glad to be here too, Shelbs.”
Shelby drops her head on your shoulder and exhales, gesturing around randomly at everybody, “It feels like we’re back in time, and everything was easier. And I adore the girls and I love being here with you.”
Your heart clenches inside your chest and you want nothing more for things to be like they were. To be there with Shelby by your side as your girlfriend. To exchange kisses just because you can and you want to.
“Do you think we could’ve been them?” Shelby says after a moment, pointing at Fatin and Leah slow dancing in the middle of the room, blissfully unaware of whatever was going on around them.
And you wish you could say yes, that it was just that easy, that if only Shelby wanted you were ready to leave the past behind and start again exactly from where you left.
Instead you say, “I think we were always meant to just be us.”
***
The following night, Fatin has booked entries for all of you at her favorite club and you’re not the biggest fan of clubs, but you make yourself willing to go.
You get some drinks, then you dance, and more often than not you find your eyes searching for Shelby in the middle of the crowd.
She’s laughing and dancing with Dot when a guy approaches her from behind. Your jaw sets and people are swaying and jumping in front of you so you cannot see the full scene unfolding. You catch Shelby moving away and the guy following her and you’re ready to jump in action, but Dot’s faster and she is telling him to fuck off.
Shelby reappears from the crowd a few minutes later, you hear the tail end of her discussion with Dot and she’s thanking her before taking her jacket and saying goodnight to everyone.
You gulp down the last of your drink, grab your old Carhartt jacket and hastily follow her outside.
“Shelby wait!”
She seems surprised to see you there, “Hey…”
“Are you okay? I’ve seen inside— I mean, I wanted to… but Dot was there—”
Even then a kick of jealousy is stirring your stomach at the thought of that guy.
“It’s okay, Toni.” she hints at a smile but it looks more like a grimace, “I’m fine. Just tired so I’m going back.”
You’re staying at different hotels this time and you’re sure you won’t see her again before she takes the next flight home, so you offer to go for a walk on the beach nearby.
Shelby eyes you unsurely, “I don’t wanna ruin your night.”
“You’re not.” you reassure her as if that simple thought is ridiculous, her company has always made you happy, “You know I’m not really a fan of clubbing anyway.”
She smiles tenderly like a memory is playing in front of her eyes and then nods, “I’d like that.”
***
You throw your shoes away as soon as you get to the beach and moan in pleasure when your feet are buried in the sand.
“Feels so good.”
Shelby chuckles and takes her own boots off, “You look like a child.”
“Sorry I don’t really get these beaches in Minneapolis, I’m excited.”
You offer her a hand and she takes it and then you’re both walking on the shore, the shallow waves gently lapping at your ankles.
“You know.” you break the silence after a while, “If you close your eyes and forget that there’s like civilization a few minutes from here, you could almost pretend we’re on a deserted island.”
Shelby looks at you like you’ve lost it, but she doesn’t dismiss your fantasy and hums along, “And would we be able to survive on this island?”
“Oh, for sure. We’d get at each other’s throat a few times maybe, but yeah definitely.”
“Fatin would go crazy without her clothes and make-up.”
“Yeah,” you snort a laugh, and then without thinking twice about it— “we’d be together, of course.”
“Of course.” Shelby echoes.
She remains silent for a long while, walking side by side with her hand in yours.
You start thinking you might have said too much when, completely unprompted, Shelby speaks again.
“Lord, the sex would be so dirty.”
And you’re laughing like you haven’t done in a good while.
vii.
There are a few pretty good perks of working and living in Minneapolis, and not just because you’re one of the best players the Minnesota Lynx have seen in a while.
It’s more the fact that Martha has relocated to Saint Paul after university, working and living there as well with Alex; you can go visit the Blackburns quite often; but also that you find an unexpected ally in Regan.
After growing apart it’s a bit strange for you two to grow close again as friends, but somehow it works.
It starts casually enough, a drink here and there when you were back in town and then some lunches together and it feels nice. There’s nothing of the puppy high school love, when you were eager to have more of each other and it never seemed enough.
This time you’re adults and you think you might even work so much better as friends, to the point that you start to wonder why for the longest time you've tucked Regan away in your past.
“You were not completely wrong about it.” she tells you one time, after you confess your thoughts to her, “Many people don’t get to have this and in many ways I understand it.”
“Do you wish to never see me again?” it’s half a joke and half a serious question, but Regan laughs and bumps her shoulder against yours.
“Idiot. Of course not or I wouldn’t be here with you now, would I?”
“Doesn’t hurt to ask.”
Silence stretches on. Regan takes a few sips of her beer.
“So how are things with Shelby?”
You roll your eyes sarcastically, “Wow, no pleasantries. How are you Toni? I’m good Regan, thanks for asking. How are you?”
She stares at you unimpressed, “You told me you’ve seen her recently in Los Angeles. So how did that go?”
“Fine.” you shrug and huff, “I mean, it was good… it’s good to be together with the others as well.”
“But?”
And maybe it’s the unwavering support in Regan’s voice, or maybe you just really fucking need to tell someone but the floodgates open.
“But I don’t know. At times it seems like we want the same thing again, be together again, and we look at each in this way- like we both know that we can make it work this time.” your shoulders slump, “And other times it feels like we’re distant again and that whatever happened it’s long gone. And the weekend of Martha’s wedding, Shelby said that it didn’t have to be about us, but in some way it was about us and we kept writing to each other, and in Los Angeles she basically told me she wished we were happy and together like Leah and Fatin and— and… what the fuck does that even mean?”
You’re almost panting by the time you finish and Regan’s face goes through a different array of emotions — from pure sorrow, to concern, to curiosity, to… is she fucking laughing?
“What’s so fucking funny, Rae?” you ask between gritted teeth.
It’s a nickname you haven’t used in ages but Regan doesn’t seem bothered by it and waves you off.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at you. I mean, I’m not laughing at you at all, I just think the situation is quite funny.”
“Enlighten me, because it doesn’t feel funny to me.”
Regan inhales and gently places a hand on your shoulder like she’s about to explain something to a child.
“Toni, I might not know exactly how Shelby is feeling, but if one thing is clear is that she does feel something for you and that you’re both not done. And it’s okay if it took you both time to realize it, but make sure that you do something about it because this push and pull won’t last forever and it won’t do any of you good.”
You swallow the gulp in your throat because everything Regan is saying makes sense. And sure you should do something about it but what?
“You think we made a mistake? Breaking up when we did I mean.”
There’s no reason to clarify, you know that Regan understands what you mean.
She seems to consider the question for a few good seconds before giving you an answer.
“I can’t really answer that question for you.” she admits, “But, for what is worth it and from what you’ve told me, you were both heading to different places, physically and mentally. You put something else than each other in front of you at the time and if that gave you your life’s dream, it also came with a cost.”
“God, when did you get so profound?”
Regan chuckles and nudges at your ribs, “Shut up asshole, I’m being serious here for your ass’ sake.”
You laugh along with her but nod, “Sorry, go on.”
“I just meant… that it wasn’t a mistake to follow your own path, but for the majority of people that would just be the end of it. And if you and Shelby are still fighting for each other, if you truly, deeply feel it can work out— then I don’t see a reason why you would hold back instead of running to her and tell her that.”
You sit on those words for the rest of your visit in Hopewell Lake, letting them linger in the back of your mind.
***
You say goodbye to Regan on the last day.
“Can I confess something? No offense though,” you ask under her curious look, “I have no problem referring to you as my ex-girlfriend, but for some reason it really feels wrong when I call Shelby that way.”
Regan looks at you in fake outrage and yells back, “Uhm some taken, you bitch.”
But you’re both laughing and you’re hugging each other tightly.
***
You post a picture that Regan has taken of you, sprawled on the grass and soaking in the warm sun.
— It’s good to be back home sometimes #HopewellLake — the caption says, and under dozens of comments you find Shelby’s.
It’s small and easy but you know she means it.
— It’s good to see you happy, Toni —
***
[00:30] Toni
We’re not done.
viii.
Shelby drives to Arlington to see you play when your team has a game against the Dallas Wings and despite being a proud Texan, she sits with the fewer Lynx supporters.
You don’t really see her much during the game because you’re focused and because every game is important and damn it you wanna win it.
You play well, score quite a lot of points and your team celebrates the victory. It feels good, elating even. But it feels even sweeter because Shelby is there, waiting for you afterward.
You speak to the security and she’s allowed to see you inside after you shower; some of your teammates are taking their sweet time but you can’t keep still and meet her in the lobby of College Park Centre arena.
She almost jumps at your neck and buries her nose in your freshly showered and still damp curls.
“Congratulation, superstar!”
“Hardly one, but thanks.” you chuckle and Shelby rolls her eyes at your fake modesty.
“Shut up, you got every girl dying for you out there with those three-pointers.”
“Yeah well, good thing that the only one I care about is here.”
Maybe it’s a step forward, but Shelby’s smile widens and that’s when you notice it.
“Is that— uh you kept it?”
Shelby drops her gaze like she’s not sure what you’re talking about, “Oh of course. It was your first jersey after your first game with the Lynx, quite authentic I’d say.”
“Maybe one day it’s gonna be worth a lot of money. I can even autograph it for you.” you play along.
Shelby smiles but her tone is firm when she speaks, “I’d never give it away.”
***
She invites you to see her apartment, claiming that it’s only half an hour away from Arlington and you let her drive you both.
You wish you could say that you know what is about to happen, but the truth is that you don’t and you don’t wanna risk it.
“It’s beautiful, Shelby.” you say sincerely, looking around in amazement at the view of the Dallas skyline, “It’s quite big too.”
“Yeah,” she comments half-heartedly, “A bit too much at times.”
“Why did you choose it then?”
“I don’t know,” Shelby shrugs, “I liked it and I guess I thought it could give me what I needed. Turns out that empty space to fill with stuff is not really what I was after.”
She chuckles but it’s forced and you don’t have the heart to ask what is that she was actually after.
“I know you’re not drinking on game days,” she’s back to her usual self, “let me get you some water at least.”
You hold your breath when she turns around, blonde waves cascading down her shoulders and she’s still wearing your jersey with Shalifoe on the back.
It’s irrational, you know, but it makes you feel like she’s yours again. Like she’s never been anyone else’s in the first place.
***
There are a bunch of pictures on the walls of the hallways, the mantelpiece in the living room, and you suspect there might be more in Shelby’s bedroom.
Most of them are of Shelby growing up and the places she has visited, a few sporadic of her family. Then there are some of your friends' group. Dot and Fatin looking silly for Halloween, Leah celebrating her first book deal, Rachel in her new office as a diving coach with Nora by her side, Martha and Alex at their wedding, you winning the State Championship during your senior year at UCLA
But none of you two together.
Shelby’s still busy in the kitchen rinsing off a few mugs and she doesn’t notice you wandering aimlessly.
It’s on the coffee table that you see it.
Like a bookmark halfway through Leah’s new novel. You spot the polaroid immediately and something drops inside your stomach. Your heart kicking wildly against your ribcage.
Careful not to lose the mark, you extract the picture and stare at it. It’s the one Dot has taken of you two during Shelby’s graduation. She’s holding you tightly by the neck and your hands are steady on her hips and you both look the happiest you’ve ever been.
Shelby had claimed the picture from the beginning, so you've never noticed the small caption underneath in Dot’s handwriting, like a small gift.
— to Toni and Shelby and them being constantly happy together —
You put the picture back to its rightful place when you hear Shelby approaching from the kitchen.
“Look what I found!” she tells you proudly handing you an old UCLA basketball mug.
You wonder how long did it take for her to find it. Or if she keeps it always in sight just to remind herself of you.
The picture in the book, the mug, the jersey — it suddenly clicks into your mind how Shelby is trying to communicate that you’ve never been truly out of her life.
You told her that you were not done, believing it to be only a shout into the void. But now she’s showing you that it wasn’t.
***
“I got your text.” she says halfway through a Netflix show you’ve settled on to pass time.
“Uh?” you stop your lazy and comforting scratching at her scalp.
“Yeah,” she nods briefly, “and I wasn’t, like, ignoring you or anything, I just— I thought it would be better to speak in person.”
You find the remote and turn the tv off.
“Okay.”
You wait. Ball is on Shelby’s court and it’s her turn now.
She lowers her gaze, seemingly finding the courage to speak, then her green eyes are on yours, “You’re right. What you said, about us being not done, you’re right—”
OH
“-but being right doesn’t necessarily mean we’re ready to go through it again.”
“We or you?”
It’s a fair question, you can read it on Shelby’s face, but it’s a hard one. You have to ask though, you have to know because you cannot forgive yourself if you don’t give this another chance.
“When we broke up, I didn’t know how to—” Shelby squeezes her eyes shut, a solitary tear crossing her cheek, “I only wanted for the pain to stop. Losing you felt like torture, and I know that I didn’t lose you for good, we were more to each other than just our relationship but… not having you— god, Toni, I don’t know if I can face that again.”
“You wouldn’t have to.” you hate how hopeful your tone is, but it’s worth everything when Shelby looks at you with the same expression.
“You don’t know that.”
“Shelby,” you take her hand, “Loving you is the only thing I’ve never felt more sure of in my entire life. And all this time I’ve tried to tell myself that we were better off like this, that we had a good run and that was it. But the truth is that I am tired of looking at you walk away and feel the regret of not stopping you.”
Your hands frame her face and you stroke delicately at her cheeks, “I don’t wanna wonder what it could’ve been when it can just be. I don’t want to be scared of something that could be good again.”
Shelby stares at you deeply, pondering every word and every meaning. And then she’s kissing you and you feel like breathing again.
Her mouth is eager and loving and passionate and her body fits perfectly in your hands, exactly like it used to.
You let her drag you to the bedroom, stopping short every few seconds against a wall to steal kisses and touches. And then she pins you down to the bed, both of her knees at each one of your hips, while she’s getting rid of the jersey and then lowers herself on you to steal your breath again with another kiss.
The last coherent thought you have is that you don’t know how you’ve made it this long without Shelby.
***
You have to leave in the morning because the team needs to fly back to Minneapolis. But there’s time and Shelby has always been an early riser, so you go get breakfast and coffee at her favorite bakery.
She drives you back to Arlington to meet up with the team.
“Don’t you have to go to work?”
Shelby shakes her head, eyes leaving the road for a few seconds to meet your gaze, “I often work from home, and anyway my work contract is about to expire so I should be free soon.”
You hum, “I know that Minneapolis has some good opportunities for young and promising journalists.”
Shelby only smiles, but every time her hand is not on the gear shift it’s on your knee, searching yours, and you think that’s an answer of its own.
ix.
[17:35] Toni
What did you think the last night before going to Manchester?
[17:40] Shelby
That it was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done.
[17:43] Toni
What was the first?
[17:45] Shelby
Leaving you.
***
[1:13] Shelby
Were you still in love with me?
[1:15] Toni
I’m afraid you need to be more specific.
[1:17] Shelby
When you were over in Minneapolis and I was still at UCLA.
When I was in Manchester and we broke up.
Did you still love me then?
[1:20] Toni
Then. Now.
Every day in between.
[1:24] Shelby
Me too.
***
“Were you serious?” she asks you one day over a face call, “About me coming to Minneapolis now that my job here is over.”
“What makes you think I wasn’t?” you give her a cheeky smile.
“The fact that we’re barely back together and you asked me to move in with you.”
Your heart skips a beat and you can’t resist the teasing, “Oh, so we’re back together?”
Shelby shows you the middle finger over the camera, “Fuck off.”
“Now now, Texas, you say your prayers with that mouth?”
She laughs along with you and even from miles away, you feel the warmth and tenderness of her gaze on your skin like a soothing touch.
“For real though, did you mean it?”
You suck in a breath and then try to play it cool, “I didn’t exactly say we should move in together, but it would be good to be in the same city again and Minneapolis is good.”
A sudden realization descends upon you and before Shelby can say anything you clarify, “Not that it’s a problem— I mean, fuck the distance seriously, I’m not letting you go this time, Shelby. I’ll fly everywhere you are if I have to, we can work a schedule and—”
“Toni,” she stops you halfway with a laugh and a shake of her head, “I don’t want to be away from you either.”
x.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” It’s Fatin’s elegant comment when Shelby leaves a quick kiss on your lips.
You’re in New York for New Year’s Eve, after spending Christmas with Shelby at the Blackburns' with Martha and Alex. Fatin, Leah and Dot have already arrived when you pile inside Nora and Rachel’s apartment.
You and Alex are dragging the suitcases while Martha and Shelby are carrying the gifts for everybody and that’s when Fatin’s comment dawns on everyone else.
“No need for a show Fatin, but thanks.” Shelby brushes it off like it’s no big deal.
“Wait, I’m a bit lost, what did just happen?” Leah emerges from the kitchen with Rachel in tow.
“Toni and Shelby are back on their romantic bullshit.” Dot jumps in from the couch where she’s watching an old episode of Naked and Afraid.
“About time.” it’s Rachel’s dry input.
Shelby gives you an amused glance, “I’ll go help them with dinner, you deal with our friends.”
You sigh, getting ready to have Fatin grilling you with the most inappropriate questions, but Shelby spins you around by the arm and pulls you in a passionate kiss, her tongue swiping over your mouth and her teeth nipping at your lips.
“If they want a show, we’ll give them a show.” she whispers in your ear before disappearing inside the kitchen with the other two girls.
***
“Fuck, how much money do we owe Nora?” Dot asks apropos of nothing during dinner.
A few alarming gazes run around the table while you just stare at Shelby like your friends have officially lost it.
“I kept the count in a notebook in my room, I’ll tell you later.” Nora replies nonchalantly, serving herself some more potatoes.
“Shit, can I write you a check? I don’t think I have that much cash with me at the moment.” Fatin follows.
And okay — what the actual fuck is going on?
“Not to interrupt y’all, but what is this? Did we miss chiming in for someone’s gift or—?” Shelby asks graciously as ever, head turning to each one of your friends who are trying to stifle laughs.
“No dude, it was just a bet we made.” Dot says around a mouthful of beef.
“What bet?” you finally find yourself asking.
“Jesus, lesbians really are useless,” Fatin scoffs, “a bet about you and Shelby getting back together.”
Your jaw goes slack with the first round of laughter and you turn to Martha for support but— “Marty!” you yell horrified, “You traitor!”
Martha only laughs harder and it looks like even Shelby’s joining her, green eyes glinting amusedly.
You narrow your gaze but it’s mostly for scene, “Okay, which one of you bitches bet against us?”
Another round of laughs.
“Toni, angel,” Fatin drops her head on your shoulder and snakes an arm around your midsection, “it was never a matter of if, only a matter of when.”
***
You kiss Shelby at midnight in the middle of Time Square with thousands of other people around you, but you don’t care because somehow she’s the only one you see.
***
You’re back in Minneapolis in the new apartment you share with Shelby. It took you both a while to work out things and logistics and — “fucking hell, moving is such a pain the ass, remind me again why we’re doing it?” “because we love each other?” a pause, “yeah, fair enough, that’s a good reason.” — but when you’re both cuddling in bed after a long day of training you understand there’s so much more to it.
“Remember that time you asked me how it felt like to kiss a girl?” you ask her one night.
She nods, head tucked against your chest.
“You never asked me if it felt right to kiss you.”
Shelby lifts her head so that she’s directly facing you, even in the dim lights coming from outside her beauty leaves you breathless.
You’re pretty sure Shelby is a living miracle and it’s not clear what you’ve done to deserve her, but she’s in your arms now and you can’t even fathom leaving her again.
“Did it feel right to kiss me?”
Your palm cups her cheek like you’ve done a million times before, and you guide her on your lips for a sweet kiss.
It feels a bit like the first time, less frantic maybe, but there’s the same buzz in your head and your heart threatens to break free from your ribcage.
“No,” you gently bump your foreheads together, the tip of your nose touching Shelby’s and she’s already smiling against your lips like she knows too, “it feels perfect.”