Chapter Text
Life moved on in ThunderClan, and Bluefur and Thrushpelt tried to put the shards of their lives back together. It was hard— most sunrises just brought a grey monotony of cold, dull grief and numbness. Thrushpelt thought it might be like that forever now, but it was impossible to fight the changing of the seasons. Color and warmth began to return to the forest as the days lengthened, and it crept closer and closer to new-leaf. And, then, finally some color shimmered back into Thrushpelt’s world the day Bluefur was named deputy of ThunderClan.
“Bluefur! Bluefur! Bluefur!” he yowled, raising his voice to be among the loudest cheers.
Bluefur gazed out at the Clan from where she sat next to Sunstar at the base of Highrock. Her eyes glowed, although Thrushpelt could see the grief that had marred her for the past moon still shadowed her expression.
Thrushpelt’s heart swelled with joy and pride despite the grief that still weighed him down as well. He knew Bluefur would be a wonderful, devoted deputy for ThunderClan, and one day a wonderful leader.
Thrushpelt’s eyes drifted up towards the sky. The sun had just dipped below the horizon and the first few stars of Silverpelt had appeared. He gazed up at them, finding a cluster of three stars nestled closely together.
Mistykit, Stonekit, Mosskit, you’d be so proud. One day, your mother is going to be the leader of ThunderClan!
As the sunrises passed, just as Thrushpelt suspected, Bluefur did prove herself to be a great deputy for ThunderClan. Thrushpelt was happy for her, although he did feel a pang of sadness as he picked up on another realization— Bluefur was pushing him away. At first, he explained her distance as grief; after all she spent a moon hardly talking to anybody. Then, it could be explained by her new deputy position; she was adjusting to the greater responsibilities of leadership.
But, now Thrushpelt was certain that she was simply avoiding him. She never assigned them to the same patrols together, and she chose to sit next to other cats to eat or share tongues with. In fact, it felt like they hadn’t had a proper conversation since the kits went missing.
It weighed on Thrushpelt. They had grown close raising Stonekit, Mistykit, and Mosskit, and he missed her company almost as much as he missed the kits. He spent a lot of time wondering about what went wrong. Had he done something?
The conversation that he kept coming back to was the one right after the kits vanished. When she told him that he was too good for her. Was she pushing him away because of that?
But, I don’t think I’m too good for her!
One new-leaf afternoon, it was one of those rare days when they both ended up in camp together. Thrushpelt picked up a mouse from the fresh-kill pile and padded over to where Bluefur was grooming her pelt close to the elders’ den. He placed the mouse down by his paws.
Thrushpelt nodded at a patch of ground near her side. “Do you mind if I sit here?”
Bluefur’s gaze flickered over to meet his, her eyes guarded. Thrushpelt’s heart sunk down to his paws.
When did she become so wary of me?
“Of course you can sit there,” Bluefur said, rising to her paws. “But, I’m sorry that I can’t keep you company. I’ve got some patrols to organize.”
She began to brush past him, but Thrushpelt flicked his tail out to stop her.
“Bluefur, wait,” he said. “Can we talk?”
Her head slowly turned back to look at him, her gaze reluctant. Thrushpelt felt the first stirrings of anger in his chest.
Would she really refuse such a small request?
“You owe me that much at least,” he added in a rough whisper.
Bluefur bowed her head in concession.
“Follow me,” she meowed, turning to pad towards the gorse tunnel.
She led him up the sandy ravine and into a private area of the forest, away from the highly trafficked trails. There she turned to look at him, her tail flicking uneasily.
“Well, what is it?” she asked.
Thrushpelt blinked hard a few times. Now that he finally got to talk to Bluefur properly for the first time in ages, he didn’t know how to begin.
“I— I feel like you’ve been avoiding me,” he stammered finally.
Bluefur broke eye-contact, instead growing very interested in the trunk of a nearby tree. Thrushpelt’s whiskers drooped. The fact that she couldn’t meet his gaze was enough of a confirmation that it wasn’t all in his head.
“I… I just don’t understand why?” he asked, his ears twisting back. “Did I do something wrong? I’ve always tried—“
“It’s not you,” Bluefur interrupted him swiftly, but she didn’t move her gaze from the tree. “It’s just… The kits are gone. We don’t have to play pretend anymore.”
Thrushpelt’s brow furrowed in puzzlement.
“Play pretend?” he echoed.
She did finally look at him now.
“We don’t have to pretend that we’re mates,” she said flatly.
Thrushpelt’s stomach clenched.
“I wasn’t… I was never trying to pretend to be your mate,” he said. “I was just trying to be your friend.”
Bluefur looked away from him again, her gaze dropping down to her paws instead.
“Well you don’t have to be my friend anymore either,” she said.
Thrushpelt’s ears flattened against his head.
“But, I want to be your friend,” he said.
Bluefur shook her head, her gaze becoming hard.
“Don’t waste your time with me,” she growled, forcing her eyes up to meet his. “You should find someone else. Someone who can love you— really love you, Thrushpelt. I’m not that cat.”
Thrushpelt blinked in stunned silence, his heart aching. Without another word, Bluefur stalked away into the forest.
Moons passed. New-leaf turned to green-leaf and Thrushpelt and Bluefur drifted further and further apart.
The distance between them made Thrushpelt feel like he was walking on thorns everyday, but he tried to respect her wishes and stay out of her fur. What he couldn’t do though was obey her advice to find someone else. Who else could ever compete with her? No cat in ThunderClan was as brave, as strong, as noble, or as beautiful. But, for Bluefur’s sake, he squashed his feelings aside and let her live her life without him. No longer ‘playing pretend’ as she put it.
Thrushpelt would have continued on like that for the rest of his days, if it would've made Bluefur happy. But, a certain green-leaf gathering changed everything.
The night began as normal— the walk over there, the arrival at Fourtrees, the wandering through the crowd, meowing greetings to acquaintances.
But, this would turn out to not just be any ordinary gathering. No, it was the gathering that Thrushpelt would never forget. Since it was the one when he saw them again for the first time.
A flicker of blue-grey fur from the corner of his eye caught his attention. His brow furrowed in confusion at the flash of familiar hue. He could’ve sworn that color belonged only to Bluefur, but she wasn’t in the crowd, she was sitting at the deputy’s position at the base of the Great Rock.
Thrushpelt turned his gaze towards the cats, and his heart skipped a beat.
The first thing that struck him was how much bigger they were now. But, of course they were; it’d been close to six moons since he last saw them. They had grown and changed a lot. Maybe someone who hadn’t known them as well as Thrushpelt did, wouldn’t recognize them.
But, how could Thrushpelt forget the broad shape of Stonekit’s head? Or the white sock of fur that marked one of Mistykit’s forepaws?
Thrushpelt’s heartbeat pounded in his ears, obscuring all other sounds as he stared at them, his stomach churning with a mixture of shock, joy, confusion, and pain.
They were oblivious to him. The two were talking to each other and sticking close to the side of a RiverClan warrior, Greypool.
Thrushpelt inhaled a shaky breath.
The kits were alive, but they were in a different Clan.
How could this have happened?!
As soon as Thrushpelt was able to tear his gaze off of the kits, or more accurately, apprentices, his eyes searched for Bluefur near the Great Rock. He found her and saw that she was staring at them the same intent way he had. But, her expression wasn’t one of shock or surprise— just deep sorrow.
As if she could feel his eyes on her, her gaze broke away from them to turn towards Thrushpelt. Their gazes met. Hers were full of pain, his, accusation.
You knew… You knew this whole time. And, you didn’t tell me?!
Bluefur bowed her head, accepting the full force of his emotions, grief and guilt flooding her expression. Thrushpelt jerkily turned away from her, stumbling through the crowd to the other side of the Fourtrees clearing to put as much distance between himself and her as possible, his mind reeling.
Do they even remember us? They were so little when they vanished, only around a moon old. I guess they don’t. If they did, they’d have asked for us when they first were taken away. And, then they’d have wanted to find us here, at the gathering.
Thrushpelt screwed his eyes shut.
I can’t believe they don’t know who we are.
Thrushpelt hardly heard any of the leaders’ announcements from his secluded spot in the undergrowth near the edge of the clearing. His thoughts were too loud for him to listen to anything happening outside his mind, and he couldn't focus on looking at the leaders when his gaze kept being pulled back to the kits again and again. The only time he truly surfaced was to hear Crookedstar announce that RiverClan had two new apprentices— Mistypaw and Stonepaw.
Thrushpelt blinked, his heart twisting.
They didn’t even change their names… But, where is Mosskit?
He swept his gaze over the crowd of cats, hoping her exclusion was just some kind of mistake, but he caught no sight of her white and grey pelt. After failing to find her, Thrushpelt found himself studying the RiverClan toms instead, trying to piece together which one was the biological father of the kits. He had to be in RiverClan; it was the only reasonable explanation why the kits ended up there.
He realized that Stonepaw and Crookedstar shared the same broad head, but he couldn’t believe that the RiverClan leader would have kits outside of his Clan. And, besides, Thrushpelt was pretty sure that Crookedstar already had a mate in RiverClan.
But, Crookedstar has a brother doesn’t he? Who is that… maybe Oakheart?
Thrushpelt’s gaze found the dark auburn tom. His deep reddish-brown coloring wasn’t at all similar to the kits, but he had the same broad head as Stonepaw and Crookedstar, and there, on one of his back paws, was a white sock of fur…
Thrushpelt blinked, realizing that cats were streaming out of the clearing. The gathering must have ended without him noticing. Thrushpelt rose to his paws and padded over to the ThunderClan group. Bluefur was waiting for him at the end of the patrol, her pleading gaze trained on him. Thrushpelt tiredly stared back at her.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. If you really think I’m going to reveal it to our clan-mates, you truly don’t know me at all.
He brushed past her, stalking after the rest of their Clan. Bluefur trailed several fox-lengths behind him, making up the rear of the patrol.
As they entered back into ThunderClan territory, he heard Bluefur softly call his name.
“Thrushpelt.”
For one heartbeat, Thrushpelt thought about ignoring her and just continuing to trudge after his Clan. But, then the urge faded, and he came to a slow stop, turning to look back at her.
They stood there in silence for a few moments, letting their clan-mates pull ahead, out of earshot.
“...Now you know the truth,” Bluefur muttered finally. “So, go on. You can say it.”
Thrushpelt just stared at her, studying her pain-filled gaze. His throat was dry, and despite the maelstrom of emotions that swirled in his belly, words refused to come to his tongue. Bluefur lashed her tail, beginning to pace back and forth.
“Yell at me,” she growled. “I know you want to. Tell me how I betrayed you. How I’m a horrible cat and a horrible mother.”
She glared at him, still waiting for a response. Thrushpelt blinked, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat. His eyes were stinging.
“Fox-dung, Thrushpelt! Say something!” Bluefur spat, exploding suddenly. The fur down her back bristled. “I know you’re furious at me, and I deserve it! So just— just tell me! Tell me how you never want to see my face again. Tell me to leave you alone forever! And, I will! I’m terrible! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry—“
Bluefur’s voice cut off abruptly as she choked up, blinking hard. Her eyes overflowed with agony while her body trembled. Finally, she just bowed her head as if she was waiting for Thrushpelt to cast his judgement down on her.
Silence stretched between them for several heartbeats longer. Thrushpelt stared at her, still unable to put any sentences to the torrent of feelings inside him. All he managed was to speak one word:
“…Mosskit?”
Bluefur’s whole body sagged. The bright pain in her eyes faded to the dull look of grief.
“She really is dead,” Bluefur muttered in a flat voice.
Thrushpelt shook his head, his eyes screwing shut. They stood like that for a while, both grieving silently. Then finally, Thrushpelt opened his eyes and stared at her.
“Why?” he asked.
Bluefur lifted her gaze from the ground to meet his again.
“Sunstar was going to make Thistleclaw deputy if I didn’t,” Bluefur whispered, her eyes dark with desperation. “Goosefeather received a sign that he would’ve led ThunderClan to ruin. I— I didn’t have a choice! I had to. For our Clan.”
Thrushpelt’s ears flattened against his head.
“But, why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered. "I would've kept your secret. You know that."
Bluefur shook her head sadly, suffering glistening in her blue eyes.
“I didn’t know how to,” she said, her voice rough. “I betrayed you and the kits. I lied to everyone. How do you tell someone that?”
“But… but you had your reasons,” Thrushpelt said, his brow furrowing.
Bluefur interrupted him with a harsh bark of laughter, making him blink in surprise.
“Stop… Stop defending me!” she said, her jaw tightening as her face creased with anger. “You always want to see the best in me. But, just— just stop! Tell me the truth— I’m an awful cat. I broke the code; I was mates with a RiverClan cat. I abandoned my kits. I lied to our entire Clan, and you— you! You I’ve hurt most of all. I’ve broken your heart about a hundred times: I knew you cared for me, but I was mates with someone else. I accepted your help with raising my kits, but then I got rid of them! I let you think that they were dead, when it was my fault that they were gone!”
Bluefur dug her claws into the ground, her chest heaving after her rant. Her expression was nearly hysterical.
“So why? Why? Why do you keep defending me? I don’t deserve it,” she hissed, her eyes welling with pain.
Thrushpelt stared at her, his heart twisting.
“Because… because I love you!” he said, taking a stride towards her.
She backed away from him, her back arching defensively.
“Then stop!” Bluefur hissed. “All it’s done is bring you pain. I told you before: you’re too good for me, Thrushpelt. You should hate me. Not love me. You deserve someone you can love you in all the ways I can’t. Who can be honest with you. Who is as patient and loving and kind as you. I’m none of those things.”
Thrushpelt shook his head.
“No. It doesn’t matter,” he whispered.
Bluefur blinked in surprise as if she wasn’t sure if she had heard him correctly.
“What?” she rasped.
Thrushpelt raised his chin, a sudden rush of clarity filling him.
“It doesn’t matter,” he repeated in a louder voice, taking another stride towards her. “Do you think I didn’t know those things when I agreed to be the kits’ father? That you didn’t love me like how I love you? That their father was a cat outside of ThunderClan? I knew, but it didn’t matter to me. I knew you, and your limits. I knew that you could only ever love me as a friend, but that was okay. I was still happy. I still wanted you, Bluefur… exactly as you are. I don’t hate you. I never have. But, I think you hate yourself. That’s why you’ve been pushing me away, right? You’re so full of guilt and self-loathing that you don’t think anyone should ever care about you!”
Bluefur swallowed, blinking hard a few times. Thrushpelt took another step closer to her, so they were only a tail-length away.
“But, you’re not an awful cat,” Thrushpelt continued, his voice turning gentler as his gaze softened. “You've made mistakes, but so has everyone else— myself included. And, if I still deserve love, and they all still deserve love, then why aren't you worthy of it too? I wish you could see yourself as I do; as someone who is so strong and so devoted to her Clan that she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the greater good. You’re clever and brave and noble, and you care deeply for those weaker and more vulnerable than you. And, you can even be kind too… when you’re not trying to claw my whiskers off.”
Bluefur let out a quiet chuckle, almost despite herself, and Thrushpelt’s heart warmed at the sound of her purr. They just stared at each other in silence for a moment.
“…Do you really mean all that?” she asked finally, blinking hard.
Thrushpelt gave a single nod.
“Every word,” he said solemnly.
Bluefur's jaw clenched.
“You don’t want to tell Sunstar the truth?” she asked in a rasping whisper.
Thrushpelt shook his head. “I’d never betray you like that Bluefur.”
She closed her eyes.
“Even though I betrayed you?” she whispered.
Thrushpelt’s chest tightened.
“I won’t lie to you and say that I’m not hurt,” he meowed. “But, I know that you thought you were doing what was best for our Clan.”
Bluefur’s lip trembled, and she nodded hard, her eyes still shut.
“Besides…” Thrushpelt continued slowly. “It’s really hard for me to be angry at you when it’s clear that you’re so much more angry at yourself.”
Bluefur’s eyes snapped open.
“But, you deserve to be angry at me,” she insisted.
Thrushpelt shrugged.
“But, I’m not,” he said simply.
Bluefur shook her head slowly.
“I don’t understand you. You should be furious,” she said.
“I just found out that two of our kits are alive, healthy, and happy,” Thrushpelt pointed out. “If anything, I should be overjoyed.”
Bluefur shook her head again.
“You’re too positive,” she muttered. “You always just want to see the good in life.”
A quiet purr began to rumble in Thrushpelt’s throat.
“And, you’re too pessimistic,” he said, gently teasing. “We balance each other out. That’s why we make a good team.”
Bluefur stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, tilting her head to the side.
“Yeah… We do,” she said.
Quiet fell between them again, but this time it felt soft rather than tense.
Thrushpelt was the one to break it once a few heartbeats had passed.
“Does this mean we can go back to being friends?” he asked.
Bluefur glanced at him for a moment before she narrowed her eyes, her gaze still a bit uncertain.
“Are you sure you don’t hate me? Or, that you don’t want to tell Sunstar and the rest of the Clan about what I’ve done?” she asked again.
“Yes, I’m sure. And, there’s no chance,” Thrushpelt said, blinking at her.
Bluefur nodded slowly, tension draining from her body as she relaxed. Relief prickled at Thrushpelt’s paws.
She believes me.
“You’re… you’re a really special cat Thrushpelt,” Bluefur spoke finally, mumbling as she gazed down at the ground. “I still don’t think I deserve your time or friendship… But, if it will make you happy, then yes. We can go back to being friends.”
Thrushpelt began to purr.
“Good,” he said.
Bluefur began to purr as well, lifting her gaze to meet his. Thrushpelt arched a brow at her.
“But, now if you ever try to push me away again, I will hold this over your head and use it as blackmail until you stop,” he teased.
Bluefur let out a loud mrrow of laughter, the sadness in her eyes fading to be replaced with a sparkle of amusement.
“You’d never,” she said. “You’re much too sweet for blackmail.”
Thrushpelt’s ears drooped in mock disappointment.
“Fox-dung. You called my bluff,” he said.
Bluefur playfully flicked her tail against his flank.
“You need to learn how to lie better,” she said drily, starting to walk back in the direction of camp. “I’ll give you some pointers.”
Thrushpelt padded at her side, their pelts faintly brushing.
“I’m looking forward to them,” he purred.
Several moons later, Thrushpelt sat next to Bluefur, his head bowed as the Clan crouched around Sunstar’s body, mourning the passing of their noble leader. He had been claimed by StarClan much too soon as a vicious dog attack took the last two of his lives.
Bluefur’s whole body was taunt with grief as she crouched over Sunstar. Thrushpelt knew that his death must be especially hard for her. Not only had he been her leader, but also her mentor and father-figure. Thrushpelt gently pressed himself against her side, and she leaned gratefully into his touch.
“What will happen to ThunderClan now that he’s gone?” she murmured, her eyes dull as she gazed down at Sunstar’s vibrant ginger pelt.
“We’ll survive,” Thrushpelt murmured, swiping his tongue over her ear. “We have you now.”
She glanced over at him out of the corner of her eyes.
“That’s what I’m worried about,” she muttered.
Thrushpelt frowned, but before he could respond, Featherwhisker’s voice called out softly from near the camp’s exit.
“Bluefur? We need to get going if we want to reach Highstones while the moon is still up.”
Bluefur glanced over at Featherwhisker, giving him a nod of agreement, but when she turned her gaze back on Thrushpelt, her eyes were wide with a hint of panic.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to be leader,” she whispered so her words only reached his ears. “What if I’m not cut out for it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Thrushpelt said, brushing his tail over her side reassuringly. “Sunstar believed in you, as does our whole Clan. And, so do I. You’ve been a brilliant deputy, and you’ll be a brilliant leader.”
Bluefur searched his gaze a bit desperately as if she was trying hard to draw the conviction he felt in her abilities into herself.
“But, being deputy was so much easier since I had Sunstar to lean on. Now all I have is myself. How will I know if I’m doing the right thing?” she asked.
Thrushpelt shook his head.
“But, you won’t be alone,” he protested. “You’ll have your deputy and your senior warriors for advice, and you’ll have me. You can always come to me about anything, you know that. I’ll be right here, by your side.”
Bluefur blinked hard a few times, her frantic expression calming.
“You promise you will?” she asked, her gaze searching his.
Thrushpelt purred.
“Of course. Always.”
Thrushpelt could feel his time getting closer. Every breath was more difficult than the last; the air wheezed from his lungs more and more slowly as his body succumbed to the claws of green-cough.
Thrushpelt wasn't afraid though. His spirit was at peace, ready to move on to the next world.
I've had a good life.
A soft touch brushed the fur on his flank, and his green eyes blinked open slowly. His gaze flickered over to see Bluestar crouched next to him, her tail wrapped around his frail body. Bluestar was more scarred now than she was when she was younger, and her muzzle had started to go silver with age. But, as she stared at him, Thrushpelt thought that her cerulean-blue eyes were as stunning as ever, even with her gaze full of sorrow.
As he stared into her beautiful eyes, he found himself reflecting on the many good seasons he'd gotten to have with her. He had been so proud of her when she had first became leader, and the pride had never faded. She was as devoted to ThunderClan as he knew she’d be from the moment she became deputy… and he’d gotten to be next to her through all of her leadership. Sometimes as a councilor, other times a comforter, but always as an ally and a friend— supporting her and cheering her on.
Thrushpelt knew some of their clan-mates still viewed them as mates, but that was one role he’d never played. There was only one cat Bluestar truly loved in that way, and he was the deep auburn tabby from across the river. Even now, seasons and seasons later, he’d catch her gazing out into RiverClan territory while they’d hunted and patrolled together, as if she could feel Oakheart and her kits calling to her.
Mistyfoot and Stonefur too had grown into strong, noble cats and RiverClan warriors. Thrushpelt was proud of them as well, even if his pride had to be given from a distance, and always tinged with a bit of grief and regret.
Thrushpelt’s eyelids began to droop as he lost himself in the memories.
“Stay with me, Thrushpelt,” Bluestar whispered, bending her head to rasp her tongue over his forehead.
Thrushpelt stirred, his eyes flicking back open again and a rusty purr rumbling in his throat.
“I will. For as long as I can. But, I can hear StarClan calling for me,” Thrushpelt rasped before a cough wracked his body.
Bluestar’s flanks trembled, and she pressed herself harder to his side.
“I don’t know what I will do without you,” she whispered.
As his coughing subsided, Thrushpelt found breathing to be even more difficult, but after swallowing, he still managed to speak.
“You’ll have our clan-mates,” he wheezed. “Your deputy, Redtail. Lionheart. Whitestorm. I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re not that young anymore… Even your little nephew will be able to offer some wise counsel these days.”
Bluestar purred quietly at his teasing, but then she fell silent for a moment.
“But, they aren’t you,” she murmured. “You’ve been the best friend a cat could ever ask for… thank you.”
With some difficultly, Thrushpelt lifted one of his paws to place on top of hers.
“It has been a pleasure watching you become ThunderClan’s leader,” he rasped. “And, I will always be grateful that I got to see it from… right by your side…”
Thrushpelt's flanks heaved as he panted. It was growing harder to complete full sentences without becoming light-headed and out of breath. Bluestar peered down at him, her ears pinned back in distress. Thrushpelt cleared his throat, his chest shuddering laboriously with each inhale.
“…I’ll get to see Mosskit soon,” he whispered.
“And, Snowfur,” Bluestar said, her eyes misting over with grief and fondness. “And, many other friends and clan-mates.”
“I’ll pass on your love,” Thrushpelt murmured.
“Yes… Please do,” Bluestar said.
Thrushpelt nodded weakly before his eyelids started to flutter again. This time he gave into it, allowing his bright green eyes to close for a final time. Thrushpelt felt the fur on his head stir as Bluestar pressed her muzzle to his forehead.
“Thrushpelt? You know that I love you, right?” Bluestar said, her body trembling but her voice steady.
A quiet purr rumbled in Thrushpelt’s chest.
“I know... I love you too."