Chapter Text
There has not been a single idea more simultaneously absurd and inexplicably justified as the one they’ve just had and subsequently proceeded to pursue.
“I'm not gonna lie, this is a little bit weird.” Atsumu had said, but his statement came with a grin which begs the question as to how genuinely farfetched does he take this idea to be.
“I know.”
“But we’re going to do this.” And perhaps he hardly considers it farfetched at all.
“We’re going to do this," Sakusa had echoed.
Thus after having driven far enough until the urban landscapes of Osaka had shrunk significantly in the distance, they finally stand here perhaps riddled with regret as the winds grab at their hair and their parkas. The air is bitingly cold and reeks of an overwhelming smell of salt. Above them is the resounding squawk of an occasional seagull. Beneath the soles of their shoes, the endless granules of coarse sand.
It had come off as a joke. Or more along the lines of a trivial, offhanded remark uttered by Sakusa after Atsumu had asked him where he would like to go for their alternative Valentine’s Day date. This had been after Atsumu’s ill-timed wisdom teeth extraction which had fallen on the fourteenth.
Sakusa had just wrapped up a novel where the character resides near the coast and the visceral imagery of the story had perhaps cultivated in him such an unconscious yet gripping need to see the ocean that what he had ended up expressing was his desire to visit the beach.
But after he had blurted it out, Sakusa had swiftly began to anticipate for Atsumu to look at him as if he had gone mad for it was at the very tail-end of February after all and if one wished to preserve their core temperature to maintain their bodily functions, one had to continuously stay warm as much as possible. Yet Atsumu had never questioned him. His response had been an affirming nod of his head as if he were to take on a task as menial as doing the laundry or washing the dishes.
That evening, while bundled in their sheets, Sakusa had asked him why he didn't refuse. Why had there been such an absence of hesitation?
Atsumu had simply told him--rather whispered it to him in the dark after he had wrapped his arms around Sakusa’s waist to draw him close to his body--that it was just something that could be done. An answer so uncomplicated, distinctly blunt with all the irreverent logic and honesty constantly available of Atsumu.
But as they stand before the expansive dark blue of the sea, its white foam spilling over with a fervor to greet the shores, Sakusa begins to think back to that night of their first kiss and the promise Atsumu had relinquished out into the universe--that he was going to do anything for Sakusa. A reckless declaration spurned by the highs of relishing a clumsy first kiss. And now Sakusa is engulfed with a discomforting thought, one which he had never ruminated upon before.
"You didn't have to say yes to this," Sakusa says above the winds.
"But I did," is all Atsumu answers.
"Didn't you find it ridiculous?" Sakusa presses. "To go out here when it's freezing?"
"Technically it is pretty ridiculous, but it's something we can just laugh about in the future."
There's no mistaking the smile on Atsumu's face after his reply, a charming one that eases out the specks of cold from deep within Sakusa's bones. But Sakusa is not through yet and he's circling his right wrist with his left hand, his thumb already settling near the pulse point.
"I just don't want you to ever feel like you are compelled to do anything in particular simply because it's something that I would want. Simply because it’s me."
Atsumu’s smile shrinks and with it so does its discernibility. Panic swirls somewhere deep inside Sakusa like the increasingly turbulent waves of the open waters. Soon enough his thumb creates rough, aimless patterns on his right wrist.
"Hey, Omi-kun."
Sakusa suddenly feels deprived of air, senses a peculiar constriction along his airways so when he speaks out a ‘yes’ it’s released in the form of a gasp.
"The sea looks scary like this, huh?"
Sakusa nods and he briefly swipes away a stray curl that has now grown long enough to reach his eyes.
"I don't really feel scared though," Atsumu tells him, raising his voice in direct competition with the winds and the waves. "But I believe that doesn’t make it any less objectively scary.”
For a beat, they allow nature’s symphonic howling to come to the fore, the orchestrated elements making its overpowering presence formidably known to them both--air in their lungs, the rumpled sheets of the water, the earth that grounds them in this moment, and the spark of fire that begins a slow and steady lick inside them respectively.
But this sublime moment is interrupted when Atsumu clears his throat. “I think that’s kinda like how love works,” he tells Sakusa whose immediate response is to inhale sharply. He can taste salt on his tongue.
“Like what?”
“Loving someone doesn’t really say anything about the person receiving the love,” Atsumu says. “But instead, I think it says more about the person who loves.”
It says more about the person who loves.
Sakusa almost becomes tempted to ask Atsumu what he thinks his love says about him, but he is quick to realize that by prodding him for an answer would be to miss the point entirely. So Sakusa lets these words become an extra layer of something warm, one he believes in absolution will last him for the rest of their stay out in this frigid weather.
“Omi-kun, remember when I asked you about the things you enjoy doing during the summer?”
“I remember.”
“And I asked you if you visit the beach?”
“I told you I don’t.”
“Yeah. Because you said you hate how crowded they would get during the summer.”
“That’s correct.”
Sakusa finally turns to him, catching sight of reddened cheeks and windswept hair.
“You seem to have a penchant for retaining these trivial details,” Sakusa says, not because he’s peeved, but because he can feel the mild tug of curiosity.
Atsumu laughs, a vain attempt to conceal his embarrassment after having been cornered in such a manner. Then he says, “That’s because I’m never not thinking of you, Omi-kun.”
Sakusa blurts out a chuckle, but when he blinks, he is startled by the moisture in his eyes. He dismisses it to be the wind’s fault, opts to blame it on the sting of saltwater.
“After all, it’s not like I love you by accident,” Atsumu continues, and he steps closer to Sakusa. Closer and closer until he is all that exists. “I love you on purpose.”
The kisses that follow oscillate between deep and shallow, interspersed occasionally with laughter. When Sakusa laughs, he deems it for a second to signify his relief. But the last kiss, deeper and more imbued with certainty, results in an epiphany--that Sakusa feels not relief, but the purity of joy.
“Wanna do something kinda dumb?” Atsumu suggests after they’ve parted.
“I can’t possibly imagine what could be even dumber than being here,” Sakusa replies. “Although you do always manage to exceed my expecta-- what are you doing? ”
Atsumu is unlacing his shoes and once he’s completely removed them, he proceeds to pull off his socks.
“We came all the way here, Omi-kun! I’m not leaving without trying out the water,” Atsumu explains while he lowers himself on one knee so he can roll up his right pant leg.
Bewildered would not be enough to describe the range of Sakusa’s current emotional state. “Atsumu, it’s freezing!”
“I didn’t say I was going to swim,” Atsumu says defensively. Then he finally stands at full height and he dusts off the traces of sand that managed to cling to his pants. “You’re welcome to join me, but only if you want to.”
Sakusa just looks at him, takes in the browns of his eyes, the full-fledged crimson streaking his nose and cheeks, and the unruly tufts of blonde locks. Atsumu is every warm color, intense in magnitude amidst the dreary greys of the horizon. If it were anyone else, Sakusa would have found it simple to refuse. But this is Atsumu. This is Atsumu.
Loving someone says more about the person who loves.
“Alright.” And Sakusa goes about the same routine of taking off his footwear and his socks before carefully rolling up each pant leg.
Once he’s finished, he slowly rises to his feet and he meets Atsumu’s eyes.
“Ready,” Sakusa tells him.
Atsumu takes his hand and Sakusa lets him fill in the gaps between his fingers. “Ready.”
They take off running, their grasps firm and Sakusa feels weightless. But then they reach the sea and the initial shock of the icy water was nothing that Sakusa could have ever prepared for.
“Okay the water is really fucking cold,” Atsumu says a little breathlessly.
Sakusa shivers. “I would have never guessed.”
An oncoming wave causes Atsumu to nearly lose his balance and Sakusa draws him in with his other arm to steady him.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
For a moment they stand in silence, hands still intertwined, their gazes focused on something where the sky and the sea touch.
“I’m starting to lose feeling in my legs,” Sakusa murmurs.
“Don’t worry,” Atsumu assures him, his hand squeezing his tighter. “I’ll carry you back if I have to.”
Loving someone says more about the person who loves.
“I like who I am when I’m with you,” Sakusa tells Atsumu.
And Atsumu offers him a searing smile. Warmth, comfort, and home rolled into one. “I could say the same, Omi-kun.”