Chapter Text
Dear Victor,
It doesn’t seem like we’ve been married for most of our lives, does it? For so long, it still felt like the beginning--you making me laugh, me getting pulled into an argument with you over something stupid, the two of us stealing moments to make out.
I feel like you were put on this earth to be my perfect match. To challenge me, to support me, to take care of me when I need it. You’re such a good father and a devoted husband. I’m grateful every day that we found each other. I don’t regret a single moment, even the hard ones.
But as much as I love you and I want you in my life--in all of our lives--I have to face the truth. That man I married and had children with, he’s hard to find now. I only see him in glimpses. These days, you’re barely visible underneath the pills and the alcohol. The trauma turned you into a stranger.
And I get it, babe. I swear that I do. So much of what you’re dealing with, I’m dealing with too. But all that ever mattered to me was that we went through it together...and now you keep pushing me away. I don’t want to lose you for good. I’m terrified.
I know you don’t understand why I’m taking the kids away, I know you think I’m wrong. But it’s called a separation for a reason, and I have to hope that maybe the distance will help you see what’s really happening. Alex and Elena are confused and worried about you, and I can only do so much to comfort them when I can’t promise you’ll be fine.
Along with being alone and brokenhearted, I also get to try to manage their pain, steer them through their world being shattered. We did that to them, you and I, and I get to live with that too. I don’t know where we go from here.
Maybe you’ll miss us enough to want to get better, on your own. To push past your macho pride and face it and figure out what kind of help you need. But we can’t stick around in the meantime, while you’re in such a dark place. It’s not good for the kids to see you this way.
As much as I love you, it’s not good for me either. So I’m going back to the old apartment, moving in with my Mami while we both try to heal.
I'm begging you to choose us.
****
Dear Victor,
I’m so stupid.
I’m such an idiot, it’s actually hard to believe.
But you know what? You’re an asshole. And a liar.
And I fell for it! That’s the worst part. I should have known better, but I believed you, like you hadn’t fed me the same lines before, gave me that same knowing smile and touched me with those same possessive hands.
I wanted it to be true--I wanted you to be the man I used to know, who put his family before everything else. I’ve worked so hard to build a life for the kids without you, and it’s a good one, a happy one, even though it’s not what I planned. But it was a comforting idea to think that it could just all go back to normal. The old normal.
I know how much Elena and Alex miss it. They’re brave, and resilient, and doing really well, but I know what I took from them when I made the decision and told you it was over. My mom will never let me forget, even if I wanted to.
And god, I miss it. I miss you. I miss you enough that I almost went there like none of it ever happened--the crying and the lying and the sheer terror of so many nights spent imagining you gone forever.
I’ll know better from now on. It’s never going to happen again.
Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and now I get to do it all over again.
They say practice makes perfect. I hope they’re right.
****
Schneider strolled into Rossoblu beside her with the confidence of a man who owned the place, though Penelope had just heard him tell her daughter he’d never been to the Italian restaurant before.
She had to admit he fit in, with his dark blue dress shirt and slacks, but it was strange to see him in such a different element. Whether he was wearing exercise clothes or a suit, the Schneider she knew around her family could usually be described as ‘friendly’ or maybe ‘laid-back’--definitely not suave, which was the word that came to mind now.
He slid tips to everyone they encountered so smoothly that Penelope was pretty sure she didn’t catch all of them. As soon as he gave his name for their reservation, the staff became even more accommodating, if that was possible.
“I thought this was a new spot for you,” Penelope said as they were seated.
“It is.” Schneider caught her expression and shrugged. “The guy who owns this one also has some pizza places I like. When you’re generous, word tends to spread. I heard about Rossoblu a few weeks ago and figured it would be quality since his pizza’s delicious.”
Penelope had to admit, the glammed-up warehouse space was gorgeous, and it smelled even better. Her stomach was rumbling already. But with the valet parking and the shining floor-to-ceiling windows, it couldn’t be cheap. She was glad she’d abandoned her original outfit plan.
Between her black halter dress with lace at the hem and an excellent hair day, Penelope felt pretty good about her ability to hold her own at Schneider’s side.
“You know you didn’t have to take me on a date date, right?”
“Huh?” Schneider paused and smiled up at the waiter who handed them appetizer and drink menus. “Thank you.”
The man’s returning smile was bright. “Good evening and welcome to Rossoblu, my name is James.” Penelope wondered if he was already calculating the tip he might get from a Schneider table.
“May I start you two off with something to drink tonight? Our wine list is specially curated to transport you to a place that is both innovative and old-school. We also offer seasonal cocktails. My favorite is the Chiarezza.”
“Oh, well. I...” Penelope looked at Schneider, not sure how he usually handled himself with a date. Normally she would order wine if she was being treated, but normally she wasn’t out with a sober alcoholic.
“I’ve been told the wine is really good here, especially the orange.” Schneider gave her a reassuring smile. “As for me, I’ll get your spring water with a splash of lime.”
“Very good,” James replied. “And for the lady?”
“Spring water sounds great.”
“Pen, it’s fine, I promise.” Schneider reached out to rub her arm, leaning closer while James waited politely. “You should try a little of everything--otherwise how will you be able to give me your informed opinion?”
“Why would you want my opinion on the wine here?”
“In case somebody who isn’t sober wants to eat here.” He sat back and tapped the top of her drinks menu. “Besides, would you really rather I pay eight dollars for your water instead of buying you a drink?”
“Eight dollars!?!” Her wide eyes snapped to James, who was maintaining an admirably straight face by their side. “The water is eight dollars here?”
“Now the wine sounds better, huh.” Schneider grinned. “Let’s get that ordered so we can debate appetizers.”
She skimmed the wine list and sighed. When she agreed to date Schneider she hadn’t thought much about the details--mostly on purpose, because she could never have agreed if she imagined it too much. But now here she was, facing the reality that her best friend was happy to spend an excruciating amount of money to take her out.
“I’ll have a glass of your sparkling wine then,” she told James. She shot Schneider a glare so quick that only he would catch it, and nodded when James encouraged them to take their time with the appetizers.
As soon as they were alone, Schneider raised his eyebrows. “Did you order the sparkling wine because it’s what you actually wanted, or because it’s the cheapest wine on the menu?”
“Both.”
“Alright. What was it you were asking before? About this being a date?”
“Never mind.” She shook her head, deciding it was a lost cause, but Schneider pressed the point.
“No, seriously. We agreed to go out, be a public couple. What did you think that would look like, Penelope? You know I don’t just eat at street carts and gelato shops. You can’t actually be upset that dinner’s going to cost me a little money.”
“Twelve dollars for a single glass of wine isn’t a little money, Schneider!” She pushed the appetizer menu closer to him. “One of these has prosciutto in it and costs twenty-five dollars--just for an appetizer!”
He squinted downward. “Well, that’s because that one is 24-month prosciutto di Parma with wild arugula.”
“So what?”
“So don’t get that one, then.” He stretched his arm across the menu to take hold of her hand. “But if you insist on ordering the least expensive items on every one of these faux dates, I’m just going to end up balancing you out by ordering the most expensive things and convincing you to try a little of every single one.”
She frowned down at the menu. Schneider didn’t have her temper, but Penelope knew he could match her in stubbornness. And though she hated admitting it even to herself, she knew he had a point. If they were actually dating, she would consider it her right to argue with him about his spending habits...but they weren’t.
“Okay, fine. Maybe I am being a little silly.”
“A little. Sure.” Schneider’s warm smile cooled, then vanished completely.
The shift freaked Penelope out, until she spotted Nikki passing by their table. Schneider’s ex took a seat a few tables away with a broad-shouldered man whose golden hair matched her dress. Her laugh carried at a volume that Penelope guessed was meant to upset them.
“You never mentioned how you heard about this place,” Penelope said, letting go of his hand.
“Yeah...” His mouth twisted. “it was from Nikki. She told me she likes it here. I thought I would take her someday, and then, well. You know.”
“Oh.” She rejected the pang of jealousy before it could take hold. So what if this date was really meant for Nikki? That was why he’d wanted Penelope to go out with him in the first place--she already knew that.
“Speaking of all that.” Schneider scooted his chair around the table and gestured for Penelope to meet him there with hers. “Selfie time.”
“Is it a selfie if we’re both in it?” she wondered as she leaned against him and tossed her hair back.
“Probably not. Hashtag date night,” Schneider corrected himself, and beamed at the lens for a few clicks before turning to kiss her on the forehead for one more. “We can both post these to our Instas.”
“Sure.” She scrolled through his phone when he handed it to her, and clicked on the last shot. “Send me that one.”
“Will do.”
“Now about those appetizers?” Penelope focused down on the menu, pretending she couldn’t sense Nikki, who had been staring at them since she walked by while they were holding hands. If she ignored Nikki, and avoided thinking about the menu prices, then this night might still be fun.
“Right, right.” He regarded the list in front of him. “I’m gonna get the eggplant caprese.”
“I think I’ll get the seasonal salad with pomegranate vinaigrette,” she decided a few moments later. “Wait, did you say you’re getting the eggplant? You like eggplant?”
“I love eggplant.” Schneider seemed as surprised as she was. “You didn’t know that?”
“No, I thought you hated it. For some reason.” She frowned, trying to figure that out. “Maybe because I do, I just assumed.”
“I am very pro-eggplant. I guess it’s never come up before.”
“Well, Alex hates it too,” Penelope told him. “So we don’t tend to have it at dinner. I know Mami likes to roast it with mojo sauce, though. You should ask her to fix it for you. I’m sure you’ll appreciate it way more than I ever could.”
They ordered their appetizers when James brought the drinks, and Penelope admitted that her sparkling wine was delicious. Not twelve-dollars-delicious, she thought, but she kept that critique to herself.
Her salad was colorful and tasted even better than it looked. “Good dressing is the key to the universe,” Schneider told her sagely when she mentioned it. She rolled her eyes--he could be such a dork--but also offered him a forkful to try.
It was great dressing.
Somehow, he talked her into getting both pasta and an entree. “We can split them or take the leftovers home, Pen,” he insisted, and she was too intrigued by the menu to argue.
“Should I try their pizza?” she mused aloud.
“Nah,” Schneider replied. “If you want to know what it’s like, I can take you to Superfine Pizza sometime.”
While she nodded and went back to the menu, Penelope realized she could get used to this, way too easily. He would take her to Superfine Pizza if she suggested it. He would probably agree to any place she wanted to go.
As Schneider’s very-public girlfriend, the world was her tasting menu. That grated against her economic principles...especially because it sounded kind of fun.
****
What might have been the most difficult part of their date night, diving into their roles as a couple during dinner, turned out to feel more natural than it ever had between Penelope and her actual boyfriends
Through multiple courses and over shared dishes, they talked about everything. Penelope’s studies and stories from work, Schneider’s hobbies and anecdotes about tenants in the building that she didn’t know very well. Her life was full of so much rushing around, fitting things in...it was nice to slow down and just talk. Even if Schneider was the last person she’d ever expected to make the time for.
He had a few bites of her tortelloni and declared it better than his risotto. She hadn’t been sure why anybody would pair risotto with zucchini in the first place, and reminded Schneider of that once he was trying to steal her pasta.
She thought his steak was better than her chicken, but refused to take more than one bite--no matter how good it tasted, Penelope couldn’t pretend she hadn’t seen the $95 written next to it.
Schneider was chuckling over Penelope’s story about the first time she took Elena out for a “grown up girl’s dinner,” and found out too late that her daughter was suddenly a vegetarian, when James brought them a dessert menu.
“Are you two ready for a sweet ending to the evening?” he asked.
Penelope was happy to turn down that upsell tactic, but Schneider spoke first. “Sure, give us a few minutes.”
“There is no way you have room for dessert,” she said once James was out of earshot.
“Leftovers, remember?” Schneider grinned. “They make big margins on dessert, Pen. It’s an easy way to support the restaurant, and bonus: I get to eat delicious dessert at some later date.”
“I see. Well, while you make your selection, I’m going to freshen up.” She couldn’t help smiling down at him as she left the table--he was looking over the new menu with more seriousness than he’d paid to the others combined, as though his dessert choice could make or break the whole experience.
The ladies’ room at Rossoblu was segmented, with the sink outside, away from the stalls. That made it awkward when Penelope left the restroom and came face-to-face to with Nikki, who was touching up her lipstick in one of the mirrors.
“Penelope, how are you?” Her tone was half-cheer, half-concern, neither one sincere. Penelope fought the urge to walk away and pretend she had never heard her.
You’re here not just for yourself but also for Schneider, remember? This was all part of the plan.
“I’m doing fantastic, Nikki. How are things with you?” If the sharpness of her smile could wound, Penelope would be able to make good use of her medical training at the sink.
“Things are great, as always.” Nikki’s smile twitched a little. “I noticed you’re here with Schneider. You two seem awfully close this evening. When did you start dating?”
“Oh, very recently, actually. He’s such a generous boyfriend, you know, made sure to bring me flowers and encouraged me to get everything off the menu that I wanted to try...but I have to give you some of the credit, Nikki, since you asked.”
Nikki put her lipstick back in her clutch. “Credit for what?”
Penelope patted her hands dry and aimed her widest, most innocent gaze Nikki’s way. “Well, if you hadn’t mentioned it in the first place, put the idea in my head, I don’t think I ever would have gone for it with Schneider. I know that our first kiss took him by surprise, but it’s really worked out well for us so far.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” Penelope glowed at her, the picture of new love contentment, and inwardly praised her own acting skills.
“No, Penelope, I mean wow. You don’t waste any time, do you? Schneider and I are apart for two seconds and you snatch him up, after all that crap about how you could never be more than friends. You’re such a liar. And you’re going to regret this when Schneider dumps you for a more compatible woman.”
“You seem pretty upset for somebody who broke up with Schneider. Again.”
“I just don’t like hypocrites,” Nikki said, turning back to the mirror to smooth down her hair. “And I know Schneider can do better, so your time with him is limited.”
“I guess we’ll see about that.” Penelope smiled again, this time a challenge.
“Also, I know this probably isn’t the kind of restaurant you usually frequent. But friendly fyi, it’s a classy place. If you plan on coming back here, you should really find a dress that’s more...upscale.”
That low blow took Penelope by surprise, leaving her speechless. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did. It was so juvenile.
The worst thing about mean girls who never grew up was that they could still find her sore spots, bringing back the bad days of being a teenager with frugal parents who barely spoke English. Before she toughened up, she had been an easy target.
After getting the last word in, Nikki left with her head held high--so high that her nose was in the air. Penelope shook off her irritation and returned to their table, where Schneider was signing the check.
“There you are!” He slid a box her way. “Our leftovers are all ready to go.”
“You ordered dessert without me?”
“No. I mean, yes, I did, but you’re welcome to share it later if you want. I thought we could go out for dessert instead. I know this place.”
She laughed. “Of course you do. What kind of place is it, exactly?”
“It’s a candy shop!”
Any other night, Penelope might have protested. But after her encounter with Nikki, she decided she could use some sugar. Plus, drama aside, Schneider’s idea of a date night had been pretty great so far.
“Lead the way,” she told him, and she let the possibility that Nikki might be watching them leave cheer her up. Schneider held her hand all the way to the car.
****
“Now, this place I have been to before,” Schneider said as he held the door open for Penelope. “Welcome to Lolli & Pops.”
“Thanks." The sweet smell of sugar washed over her as soon as they walked in. “Whoa, the colors are really something.”
“I know, right? It’s like visiting the inside of a rainbow,” he agreed cheerfully. “That’s why I love it.”
He reached for her hand when Penelope froze just beyond the doorway. “C’mon, Pen,” he said with a light tug on their entwined fingers. “The point is not to stare, the point is to taste.”
She smiled at him, letting him pull her to the nearest display. Schneider sounded, she thought, an awful lot like a kid in a candy store--if that kid was older than her, and could probably buy the whole store.
The multicolored shelf featured swirls of hard candy, a collection of flavors she had never seen before. While his willingness to spend without limits didn’t surprise her, his choices for tonight had. They were pretty creative.
If this was the sort of night out Schneider liked, Penelope had to admit it was a good combination for sweeping a woman off her feet. Impressive, but still fun.
“I’m getting the blueberry orange acai and yuzu lime,” he told her. “What about you?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, still looking. Dragonfruit lemon...passionfruit coconut...ooh. “Watermelon sangria.” She dropped his hand and grabbed the box. “These look good.”
“Awesome. I can carry those, so you can keep looking.”
Her grip tightened slightly on the box. “No, thanks.” Okay, somehow she went from uncomfortable with his pricey dinner menu to possessive over candy, Penelope realized, amused at herself. Schneider was a bad influence.
“This place is amazing,” she added, turning slowly to take more of it in once they were facing a wall of retro candies. “Hey, Bottle Caps!”
“They have Razzles too,” Schneider told her. “And yeah, it really is. I love coming here. It’s not just that they have the classics you can’t find easily anymore...their original stuff is quality.”
He pointed to the chocolate section. “Which reminds me--I’ll be right back.”
She turned back to the giant wall of candy she had grown up with, grabbing a couple of packs before Schneider returned. He was holding a handful of items now--or what was only a handful because he had wide hands, she thought--they were going to need some kind of basket if they weren’t careful.
“Their caramels are great,” he said, showing her the glossy bag he’d chosen. “There’s an apple flavored one.”
“Nice.”
“And they make this.” Schneider held out a packet for her to look at.
“A hot cocoa bomb? What is that?”
“Why, I’m glad you asked.” He grinned. “It’s a core of luxurious drinking chocolate, with adorable mini marshmallows surrounding it, so that when the bomb melts, you have perfect, rich hot cocoa.”
“Schneider, did this place hire you to do publicity for them or something?”
“No. I would, though. Isn’t it a cool concept? A bath bomb you can eat.”
“Yeah, it is pretty cool. I’d try that,” she admitted.
“Well, good news for you, I love this stuff,” Schneider told her with an even bigger grin. “I needed to restock anyway while we’re here. You can take a set home.”
Penelope nodded her thanks as she beelined to the mints section. “They have Bob Ross mints? There’s such a thing as Bob Ross mints?”
“Yeah, Golden Girls ones too,” Schneider said over her shoulder when he followed. “You’re a Bob Ross fan?”
“I used to watch him with my dad, when I was little.” She held the tin in her hand, enjoying the solid weight of a happy memory. When Schneider lifted it away, she frowned up at him. “Hey!”
“Just adding it to the pile.”
“I don’t need mints, Schneider.”
“I saw the look on your face just now, Pen. We’re getting them.”
He glanced toward the next section, which was filled with gummies. “Did you want anything sour for the kids? I know you’re not big on the sour stuff.”
“That’s sweet of you, but now that we’re here, I really think Alex and Elena should see this place for themselves.”
“Gotcha.”
“Anyway, this is more than enough sugar for me, for one night.”
“It’s not like you have to eat it all before you get home,” Schneider pointed out.
She smiled. “Yeah, but the mom in me feels like I am being a very bad example right now. And the nurse in me agrees.”
“Eh, tell them both to go have a salad and let you enjoy yourself. Can’t you just be a woman capping off a fun night out?”
Something about the way he said that sent a pleasant warmth down to her toes. It had been a fun night. Schneider was, it turned out, a fun date. “I guess so.”
“How ‘bout we take our finds up to the counter and then you grab us a table so we can try a few?”
“Okay.” Penelope added her items to his pile and held her tongue when Schneider pulled out his card and waved her off. She considered it a personal victory that she didn’t linger to see the total.
Choosing a table near the picture windows, she checked the time on her phone and realized it had been more than two hours since he drove them to the restaurant. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Schneider had spent two hours alone, without at least some of the family around.
She had definitely worried it would get awkward or weird...but so far it had been easy, like any other day with Schneider at her house. Just fancier.
When Schneider brought their candy over, he let her start pulling out her selections first. He was too busy tapping away at his phone while he sat to join in.
“Everything alright?”
“Oh, yeah. I got like three texts from Nikki, I was checking them.” Schneider nodded to her candy. “Which are you going to start with?”
“Definitely the sangria candy,” she said, pausing partway through the unwrapping when a question occurred to her. “Hey, is this another one of Nikki’s favorite spots? Do I need to brace for another encounter?”
“No, she’s never been here. Does she seem like somebody who eats candy?” He blinked for a second. “Wait, another encounter?”
“Yeah--I was going to tell you. She kind of cornered me when I went to the bathroom. She is not happy about our new romance.”
“Well, I guess that explains the texts she sent. What happened?”
“I told her how great it’s going between us, what an awesome boyfriend you are. As promised. She said I’m not good enough for you, there’s no way we’re going to last...very basic attempts to undermine my confidence,” Penelope said. “Oh, and she pretty much called me and my dress trashy.”
“Wow, that was not cool of her,” Schneider said with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry. I know how much of a jerk she can be when she’s mad. I think your talking me up worked, though, since she reached out.”
“I guess that’s something, then.”
He hesitated before continuing, as if he almost thought better of it. “What she said about your dress, you know she was just jealous, right? Nikki is easily threatened. And you look gorgeous tonight.”
“I don’t care what she thinks,” Penelope agreed, moving briskly past the compliment. It gave her a nice little jolt, and she wasn’t sure what to do with the feeling. “I’m not that easily threatened, myself.”
“I know.” Schneider tucked his phone away after one last glance at it. “That’s why our plan is already working. I’ll call her later.”
Though Penelope knew she would be better off nodding along like a supportive friend would, she’d used up all of her tongue-holding abilities for one night.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea? I know, we have a plan and all, but it’s not healthy, the way you let her yank you around.”
“Hey, remember I didn’t start this.” Schneider’s cautious tone had an edge. “You’re still so hung up on a guy you dated a year ago that you threw yourself at your best friend. So maybe, you shouldn’t judge.”
“Not judging! Pointing out the obvious.” Penelope made a happy noise as she tried the hard candy. The sangria and watermelon were delicious together.
“I’m just saying, if Nikki is really what you want, for god knows what reason--you might have a better chance at a real commitment from her if you weren’t so obvious and sad about the whole thing.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Schneider said. “I am neither obvious or sad. I’m...stealthy. And cheerful.”
“Fine, then prove it.” Penelope pointed at the pocket where he was keeping his phone. “Don’t call her tonight. Make her wait until at least tomorrow. Be the guy with better things to do than jump when she snaps her fingers.”
“You know what, Pen, you’re awfully invested in my affairs lately.”
“Yeah, well, you clearly need somebody who cares enough about what you do with your heart to tell the truth. Why don’t you want more for yourself? Better?”
"It’s complicated,” he replied, leaving it at that.
“That’s not an explanation.” It wasn’t like Schneider to refuse to answer a question, Penelope thought. Even a hard one. Especially a hard one.
“Actually, it is. I don’t mean, it’s too complicated for me to explain,” he said. “I mean, the complications are why.”
“What?”
“I’m an addict,” Schneider said, splaying his hands out over the table. “That’s the reality. The simpler, the easier, the more carefully managed I keep my life, the better. Love is a lot...messier and harder than sex without the rest of it.”
“Oh.”
She had never thought of it that way before, when sex usually followed feelings in her own life. The idea of sex without love was what had always terrified her. But for Schneider, it made a kind of sense. If that was what felt simple to him, no wonder his life was a revolving door of hookups.
“So if we’re confronting hard truths,” Schneider said while she was still thinking that over, “why did you really break up with Max?”
“You know why.” She shifted in her chair, reaching for another candy square. “He wants kids, and I don’t want any more. The end.”
“No, I think there’s more to it than that. If it was that cut and dry, you wouldn’t still be this conflicted over it.”
Penelope stalled by reaching across the table to steal one of his caramels, popping it in her mouth and letting it melt while he waited. It tasted like butterscotch.
“With Victor,” she admitted slowly, “I learned that loving each other and wanting the same things out of life weren’t enough to save our relationship.”
Schneider nodded at her to continue, choosing an apple caramel for himself.
“So, I could have tried to stay with Max. I know that. I could’ve fought harder for us. But I was terrified that our ending was inevitable since we already wanted different things. What hope was there for us, when Victor and I couldn’t even make it work after almost twenty years and two kids?”
She sighed. “I didn’t have it in me, to hope for a future with Max after I realized he was so different from me where it counted. It hurt too much to hope at all. To get invested. I guess that’s why I haven’t been able to date since the breakup.”
“Have I ever told you about my mom?” Schneider asked.
It was an abrupt topic shift, but she went with it. “Which one?”
“My actual mom. Not the stepmoms that came after. She and Father got divorced when I was seven.”
“No, now that you mention it...I’m not sure you’ve ever told me about her.”
“I don’t remember that much about her,” Schneider admitted. “After the divorce, she moved to Germany, and I visited a couple of times. She died there a year later--car accident.”
Penelope reached out, her fingers resting on top of his, their piles of candy forgotten. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. She was nice, but she wasn’t around much more than Father. And after she died, it was just him and me, so really it was just me and the staff.”
Schneider turned his hands up, to meet her palms with his own. “Anyway, when I was thirteen, Father got really drunk at some event and caught me kissing a girl I knew from a neighboring estate when he came home. He lost it. Told me that I took after my mother too much to be worth anything.”
“Oh, Schneider.” He was just a kid, she thought, angrier at the father in his stories than she had ever felt before. She couldn’t imagine anyone speaking to Alex that way, at thirteen.
No, she could. And she could imagine the many ways she would hurt them for it.
“I mean, it’s not like Marjorie and I were soulmates. Father sending her home that night was no great loss. And he didn’t drink that way very often. He’s not like me,” Schneider added softly.
"But his words stuck with me. He said, ‘If you don’t get your act together, you’ll die loveless and alone like your mother did.’”
She curled her fingertips around his wrists, holding on as though that could fix it. What on earth could fix that kind of cruelty? How had Schneider become who he was in the face of that?
“I wanted to get my act together. I really did. I was terrified of ending up alone. But the harder I tried, the deeper I fell, into the drugs and the alcohol and the gambling. Eventually, it was just easier to accept that I wasn’t cut out for marriage and stability.”
He rubbed his thumbs against the skin where her pulse was jumping, while his knowing eyes stayed on hers. “It hurt too much to hope for more than one night stands and meaningless hookups. So I refused to get invested.”
Penelope had a sense of deja vu that tugged her back to another night, a year ago, and smiled a little. “So, you kind of get where I’m coming from.”
“Yeah.”
She cleared her throat and let his hands go, piling her empty candy wrappers into one corner of the table to give her hands something else to do.
“I’m glad to know about that, and about your mom,” she said. “It kind of explains a lot.”
“It’s no big deal,” Schneider said, lifting a shoulder. His eyes darted anywhere but at hers, betraying the mild lie.
“No, it is,” Penelope insisted. “You don’t have to talk about that stuff with me, but it does matter. It’s part of you.”
Schneider added his wrappers to hers, one by one. “You know, for somebody who’s been incapable of dating for a year, you seem to be doing just fine tonight, despite our many differences.”
“That’s because it’s you,” Penelope said. She opened her box of bottle caps and tried one. “It’s not jitters and testing the waters and putting my best face forward. None of this is real.”
“Right.” Schneider straightened up in his chair, the extra inches of space between them feeling more like miles all of a sudden. “We’re all about that honesty tonight, huh.”
****
Schneider insisted everything was fine on the drive home, but he was quieter than usual. And even if she hadn’t spent the night watching his expressive face light up over pasta and candy and family stories, Penelope still would have been able to tell the difference between that and the unhappy look in his eyes when he dropped her off.
If he wouldn’t admit it, though, she wasn’t sure how to address it, so Penelope left it alone--thanked him for the evening and let herself into the empty apartment when she got home.
Saturday’s mail was waiting for her on the counter, next to a note from Alex saying his Abuelita had taken him to the mall. Like either of them needed anything from the mall, Penelope thought as she flipped through the stack of bills she refused to deal with until Monday.
A plain white envelope was waiting in the pile for her. She set the rest aside, recognizing it with a lump in her throat. The envelope was slightly bulging outward and held her letter to Victor--or letters, technically. She had written to him more than once.
RETURN TO SENDER, the stamp scolded her in bright red ink. It had been addressed to the last post office box she knew Victor used, but clearly it couldn’t make the leap across Victor’s many moves since to find him. At least that was one crisis averted.
One less disaster, the kind she really didn’t need to add into the mix. Thank god.
When she was done tucking that envelope back in her room, this time in her bedside drawer, she changed into pajamas and relaxed on her bed with reruns.
Her phone buzzed with a new notification while she was checking her messages--Instagram, Penelope saw. Schneider had posted the photo of them from dinner.
sweet night out with my new sweetheart, the caption read. Schneider had added #datenight and #sugarrush to his commentary, then tagged her.
such a nerd, Penelope commented on the photo. lucky you’ve got great taste.
She debated adding a smiley face to make sure Schneider would understand she was teasing, but left it alone. He knew her well enough to get tone from her texts--the only thing different about Instagram was that it was public.
And while this whole thing stressed her out as soon as other people’s opinions got involved...she had to get over that, so she could act like Schneider’s girlfriend the way they’d agreed.
Penelope posted her comment and settled back against her pillows, prepared to let The Facts of Life entertain her until she fell asleep--but her phone buzzed again before she’d even set it aside.
sometimes nerds get the girl, Schneider’s comment said underneath hers. He’d added emojis after that: a winking face, a pulsing heart, and what Penelope thought was supposed to be a microscope.
How could he be the biggest geek and somehow charming at the same time? she wondered. It made no sense.
What made even less sense was Penelope Alvarez, resident badass, grinning over Schneider while she sat all alone in her room.
But she realized that was exactly what was happening, as she switched from Schneider’s Instagram to her own and got ready to post the forehead kiss photo he’d taken.
After Schneider was so very Schneider with his post, she needed to come up with the perfect caption for hers, Penelope decided.
A perfect first date deserved nothing less.