Chapter Text
He had not talked to her for six months.
Nothing more besides the muttered professional greetings to each other, or the few mixed words as part of the few shared missions, but during all of it the refusal to look into each other’s eyes, as if that was the window of the soul and would show too much.
If Adam had thought that Natasha was stony when he had first met her, it was nothing compared to now, as if she had retreated completely inside of herself, walls so high that it was like that she was preparing for an attack.
The others had noticed that she seemed different, but nothing had been able to ease it, and even Mason had tried. She was ice, frozen and cold, unmoving, and there was nothing that anyone could do that could possibly ease it.
After that night at the carnival, it had been a gradual buildup from when he had pushed her way the day afterwards. He had told himself that he needed to avoid her, any excuse at all to do have to deal with the gnawing feeling in his chest, hollow and empty, but with the desire to reach out, to belong, to stand next to her, see her smile that soft smile that he had grown to love so much.
He had not been expecting her to avoid him in return.
Maybe he should have seen it up coming, he was not sure. Not like that really mattered, but even though she was not far away from him at all she might as well as been half way across the globe. Every form of familiarity gone, as if all they were was coworkers at best and strangers at worse.
There was a sense of relief in it at first, that whatever he was feeling would not have to be explored and instead forever be locked inside, but over time, any relief that he did feel had died away.
Because perhaps he would rather walk into the fire then have her feel so far away, not feel as though his heart fell to his feet whenever she passed him and refused to look him in the eyes, the hurt that he felt as though it was suffocating him surpassing the relief of the first few months.
But the longer that they refused to talk to each other, it was just even harder to be able to go across that gap again, the gap between them as if was a chasm, and he was the one who burned the bridge across. Close enough that he could jump across, but far too likely to hit the rushing water below if he did it without thinking.
Nate had already talked to him several times about this as the months had gone on, Felix as well, but he had ignored all of it. There was enough regret without having to worry about them trying to get him to talk to her, and he was not sure what he would do if he did.
Probably something I would want to take back.
Even so, would it be so awful to at least try? What could be the worse that could happen? Her not talking to him? That had already happened.
That was never something that he did though, because he genuinely was not sure what he would even say, all apologies that he could think of seeming shallow and pointless, nothing that could possibly make sense of what he wanted to tell her.
If this something that he wanted to do, however, it needed to be planned. Every word in his mind like he was reading from a script, and pray that she would be receptive, because at least for now, there was still the option for things to be fixed, if he just let it be so.
But that chance to get his thoughts in order? Finally figure it out, something that he had spent months thinking about and still had not been done?
It was not something he was going to get, not at all.
And he should have left the room before it had even started, end it now before anything happened, but it was like he was frozen in place, watching him move instead of moving himself, no matter how much panic was starting to fill in his throat.
Adam had gone to the library under Nate’s request (though Felix had been awfully insistent as well) in order to get something that he had asked for, but this was the last thing that he was expecting.
She was there.
Natasha
Her caramel brown hair had been pulled out of its normal high bun, spilling freely down her back, her blazer had been taken off and placed in a chair next to her, showing the gray shirt underneath, as she was leaned over the table, books in front of her, her brows knit in concentration as she scanned the pages, obviously looking for information about something, likely related to the meeting.
She looked… relaxed. Not the stiff, intimidating presence he had seen her with over the last few months, but rather someone who was completely absorbed in her research, something that she had done instead of combat training all those months ago, even with her fairly good combat skills.
He should have tried to find that book and leave, leave her alone, save this for a different time when he knew what he wanted to say.
But it was like he was frozen in her presence, only able to watch her, as a thousand feelings tried to make their way to the surface, threatening to drown him, a thousand apologies on his tongue but never spoken.
There was no telling just how long he had stood there, no matter how many times he tried to think back on it later, he always came up blank, as if time had stopped as he did.
All that he knew that a familiar voice broke the silene that had fallen between them, it fill of surprise and perhaps even the slightest bit of stuttering.
“Commanding Agent I- “
Adam could feel himself blink, as he watched her grab her blazer from the chair and putting it back on, buttoning to the top, before forcing her hair back into its tight bun, putting her professional front back up, but perhaps also a self-protective front as well.
“What are you doing here?”, she finally continued, any hint of shock she did have gone before he could look again, going right back to her stony self that had become at all too familiar sight.
Tell her that you needed to get something and leave
Don’t do this now, don’t.
But curiosity and desperation won out in the end. She was right before him now, and he was not sure if he would ever get that chance for a while, and so he went on, trying hard to ignore the voices telling him to stop.
“Can we talk about what’s happening?
“Well, Mason was able to get some information out of that suspect that the Agency arrested, though I’m sure he’s told you that by now. I’m trying to follow up and see if there is anything we’re missing- “
“Not about that”, he interrupted, watching confusion starting to lace her face, “About- “
Us
He was not sure how to put it, but from the frown starting to form on Natasha’s face, she was starting to, but was waiting to see what he would say.
“That night at the carnival”, he finally finished, “I- “
But apparently, it was her turn to interrupt him.
“I don’t want to hear this”, she huffed out, frustration starting to line her features, “I think your actions have showed how you feel well enough”
The words had come and hit him out of nowhere, a bitterness that he was not expecting lacing them, though he should have realized that would happen, especially after so long.
Part of him wanted to beg, plead with her to listen, hoping that would be the thing that would convince her, but he also knew that was unlikely to work.
Regardless, he could not let her walk away just yet- and ruin this chance that he had well enough.
“It wasn’t anything about you”, he finally muttered, that all that he could think of to say without launching into a million words of how he really regretted what happened.
He was not expecting for her to only get more frustrated at that, her already icy blue eyes only growing colder.
“Then what was it about then?”, she seethed, obviously trying to hold back anger from rising in her voice, “I opened the smallest part of myself to you, and then you throw it back in my face”
Adam remembered with a sudden gutting feeling how relaxed she had been that night, more so than she had ever been around him before, and she had smiled at him and-
That was not what he was trying to do at all, in fact, at the time, it had felt special. As if was a private show of affection just for him, and for his eyes only.
But what was he doing to her? He could not seem to avoid his own feelings, so it had seemed best to try and avoid her entirely, telling himself that it was for the best.
However, the hurt that she was trying to hide in her eyes just made him want to comfort her, go into a million apologies, take her pain on himself if that meant that she would feel okay again.
“That’s not what I meant to do”, he finally said, his fingers itching to reach out and brush a lock of her hair out of her face that had been a product of her putting her hair back up quickly, “I promise”
Even with those words, it only seemed to serve to make her more upset, “Then what did you mean to do?”
Her voice then dropped lower, “If you just wanted to be friends, I would have been okay with that. End it where it was before it got too far. But that’s not what you did”
No, it wasn’t
And I’m sorry
That no longer seemed to matter, however. But he wanted to at least repair it, and before he knew what he was doing, he reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder, his fingers tracing the now barely visible scar on her neck, and while she tensed at the touch, she did not pull away.
“What do you want me to do?”, he finally said, expecting her to answer in an equally frustrated way as she had before, knowing that it was a stupid question to ask, but it was one that he needed to say all the same.
“I just want you to be honest with me”
His heart lurched as he realized that all fight had seemed to have left her, any bite that she had disappeared in an instant, Natasha’s icy blue eyes looking as though they had melted, as if she was vulnerable, a look that he had never seen on her before.
And yet, he pulled away anyway, moving his hand as if he had been burned.
What are you doing?
What are you doing to her?
He could not do this, not to her. Not drag her in like this, no matter how much he wanted to. All he could think about was that he needed to end this now, because all he would do was hurt her in the end, right?
And he would never be able to live with himself if that happened.
Plus letting her in just to lose her…
No, it was not going to happen, because he was not going to let it, even though losing her forever was just as terrifying, it would have to be this way, no matter how much it made his heart feel as though it had been torn in pieces, her already carrying apart of it even if she did not realize it.
At him pulling away, he had been so distracted that he had not noticed that she had started to walk away, and before he could stop himself, he felt the words leave his lips.
` “Natash-“
Please don’t leave
“Detective Trexler, she interrupted, turning away from him as she did so, “It’s Detective Trexler to you”
She might as well have punched him in the face, and anything else that he thought to say fell short, and all that he did could watch her leave the room, leaving them there alone with half of a heart. (And the other half that would always be hers)
~~~
The next day, Agent Rebecca Trexler came to him.
She had been holding a batch of paperwork in her hands, to which she had put on his desk, not an unusual thing with his job as a Commanding Agent, but there was a sudden weight to it that there was not present before, and it only served to put him on edge.
“Has Nate told you?”, she finally said.
“Told me what?”
With a sigh, she answered Adam’s question, refusing to look at him, “Natasha has asked to transfer to another Unit”
He could feel his breathe stop at that, and it took him a while to finally be able to say something, “Why are you telling me this?”
“You are the Commanding Agent”, Rebecca replied, as if the answer was obvious, “She would need your approval in order to do so, not just mine”
All he could do was to give a slight nod, not trusting himself to say anything else.
What happens if I refuse?
She spoke again, dragging him of his thoughts, “You know what you need to do”
And with that, she left the room, leaving him alone, and it only made him feel even more isolated, and went to go look at the paperwork that needed his signature in order for the transfer to happen, part of him wanted to just sign his approval right away because otherwise, he was not sure if he would ever get the courage to do so.
But that was not what he did.
Instead, he left it behind to go find Nate.