Chapter Text
The third time they hold hands never comes.
Megumi struggles a lot with his memories of [name]'s death. He is a little ashamed of how much it bothers him. He's a Jujutsu Sorcerer, after all. Death shouldn't leave these kinds of scars. At least that's what he thought. Gojo used to always tell him that. Especially after he found out about the boy's feelings towards [name]. But Megumi didn't listen, and this is where it got him.
Thinking back to his high school days he loathed that night. The night where he was too big of a coward to go to [name]'s room and confess. He remembers their first, accidental kiss, he remembers how she'd smile whenever he came into her room. He remembers all of it. Sometimes he wishes she listened to whatever Gojo told her that caused her to stay away from him (for a small amount of time), he wishes she never loved him, it may sound selfish, but if she didn't, this wouldn't have happened. She would be right here with them, finally grown up.
The images of [name] slipping away, the smell of her blood gushing out of her mouth, the way her breaths had wheezed in, out, then shuddered a halt, the light inside the building flickering into nothingness, the memory of [name]'s hand falling limply away from Gojo's hand. It was all always playing in the back of his mind.
But most of all, he couldn't stop replaying the fact that [name] hadn't said anything to him. She'd just laid there, still and silent. Megumi hadn't gotten any last words, final comforts, All he'd gotten was hazy eyes and a bucketful of trauma.
There was no escaping the memories, no running away from the horror that bubbled in his throat whenever they resurfaced. And he knew he couldn't survive like this. Maybe even more so, he knew [name] wouldn't either.
So, he goes to Gojo.
There were only four people on Earth who truly understood. Sure, Nanami and the others had watched from afar, but Gojo, Yuuji, Nobara, and Megumi had been on the frontlines. They'd been close enough to hear her last breaths, to see the dwindle out of [name]'s eyes.
He also knows how much Gojo was hurting. This was already the second time it had happened. Gojo was having a war with himself. He couldn't keep his promise, he couldn't save his student.
Megumi could've gone to either Yuuji or Nobara, of course, but he chose Gojo because the memory of [name]'s death wasn't the only thing that he could recall with frightening clarity.
In the settling moments, the ones that came in the shockwaves with a final breath, Gojo had kissed [name]'s cheek. Megumi had felt like throwing up. Yuuji had held him back, trembling arms around his stomach.
"Yuuji," Gojo had gasped, surprising everyone present, "Yuuji, let him come, now. Let him... Just let him come."
He'd been released, and he would've face-planted if Gojo hadn't twisted around to grab his arm, steadying him as he sunk to his knees in front of [name]'s body.
"[name]?" He whimpered. He'd reached for [name] like a child, hands grasping helplessly just centimeters from her motionless chest. It was a physical call for action, a plea to be held.
[name] hadn't answered it, was far past that, now, but Nobara had.
She pulled him into her chest, chin resting on the crown of his head as tears streamed down her face. "Shh. It's alright now. It's... It's all over."
"[name]?" At any other time, he would've been ashamed of how cracked and desperate his voice was, of his entire reaction in general. But then, he'd been strangely detached, out of control. "[name]."
Yuuji had been the one to guide him as he tucked himself against [name]'s chest, Yuuji had been the only one who rubbed his back as he sobbed. Eventually, Nobara had been the one who'd rocked him while Gojo scooped [name] into his arms, to carry her back. Back home.
Although the memories were unclear, he knew that Nobara had stayed with him once he slipped into shock, too. Yuuji had been sobbing for a long time now, bearly breathing so Gojo had stayed with him, trying to calm the boy down. She'd filled the role of [name] without missing a step. And she'd done it all while struggling under the weight of a loss that even Megumi couldn't begin to comprehend.
And, sure, Nobara had become nicer to him, but she'd taken more of an interest in him after... well, after. He knew it was only out of a lingering need to protect whatever [name] loved, she was like a sister to [name].
So, he skips meetings. He visited Nobara only when Yuuji wasn't present. Yuuji had been devastated by [name]'s death, it was terrifying, the way she died. The conversation wouldn't feel right with Yuuji in the house. It would feel wrong.
As soon as the door opens, he can see Nobara's surprise, see the reprimand on her lips, but then she takes in the look in his eyes, the bags underneath his eyes, and she ushers him in.
She makes him sit on the couch, offers him tea. He shakes his head, just curls into himself until she finally sits beside him.
"What do you need, Megumi?" She asks, voice soft. Megumi wonders if that's why Yuuji fell in love with her - because her ability to gentle was good for his unstable mind.
"I... I keep thinking about it." Nobara didn't need clarification to at least understand the ballpark of his words. "Oh, Megumi. It's normal to feel the... loss of your loved one-"
He shakes his head. "No, no. I mean I keep thinking about it. About the... moment. It won't stop playing in my head."
"The moment that she...?"
"Yeah."
The moment that she died.
"What bothers you about it?"
It feels like a ridiculous question at first. What bothers him about it? Well, the fact that [name] died, for one. The fact that they were just fifteen and confused and watching something so horrific happen without the gravity of the moment registering until after it was too late to process it all.
But then... but then he realizes that there was a reason behind why it bothered him so much. That despite the generic awfulness of the whole experience, there was one aspect that stung above everything else. One fact was constantly tangling himself up.
"She didn't say anything to me," he whispers, voice breaking. "She... I don't even think she knew I was there. "
She would've comforted me. She would've said something stupid, cracked a joke, smiled. If she'd known I was there, she would've told me she loved me, she wouldn't have acted the way she did.
She wouldn't have just laid there.
"She knew," Nobara murmured, and she said it like she never once doubted that it was true.
He wanted to believe it. God, he really, really wanted to believe it.
"How do you know? "
"Because I saw her recognize you, Megumi. She... She wasn't at peace until she saw your face. Didn't you notice her look at you?"
"I... I don't know."
If he was being honest, he hadn't been seeing much of anything at the time, besides the blur-wobble of unshed tears.
"She did." Nobara titles her chin up. "She looked at you like she'd be alright if that was the last thing she'd ever see. And I don't think... I don't think she could talk."
"She talked to Gojo ."
He hated how petulant it sounded, how childish and resentful. Of course, Gojo deserved her final words. He was like a father to [name], her only family, he was always next to her. What right did Megumi have to resent [name]'s last gift to him?
Nobara just smiled, genuine and sad. "And you heard how it sounded, didn't you? She was trying not to scare you, Megumi. At least, not any more than she already had. You were so frightened. I think she knew that if she said anything, it would just make it harder for you to accept."
He felt a sob threaten to crawl up his throat. When he spoke, his voice was strained with it. "She just... she used to talk so much."
" I know, but" Nobara's thumb swiped under his cheek, caught a tear he hadn't even known had fallen, "she never got a chance to confess to you. But sometimes we don't need to say anything to tell someone we love them."
"Did she... Do you think she...?"
"Loved you?" At his reluctant nod, Nobara laughed. "Megumi, look outside. You can see, breathe, walk, live. [name] died just so you can live. If that isn't love, what is?"
And for once, Megumi didn't really know what to say, either.