Chapter Text
The ride to the capital was torture. Levi hadn't remembered ever being in a carriage, though he knew he had to have dealt with it a few times since joining the survey corps. Unfortunately those memories wouldn't help him even if he had access to them.
The jostling and constant vibrations from the uneven road were causing him to feel sick, a woozy feeling taking hold of him and refusing to let go. His shoulders stiffened as he tried to think of literally anything other than puking up his breakfast.
Erwin reached over and grabbed Levi's hand, threading their fingers together. He had a concerned look on his face when Levi looked at him, but the raven averted his gaze quickly. He couldn't deal with that, the feeling of someone knowing him so well they did things without him prompting them to. The only people he knew could do that were Farlan and Isabel. Well, they were dead.
He sighed.
"Levi, are you alright?" Erwin asked. He started to pull his hand away but Levi gripped it hard enough to bruise. Erwin didn't say anything, he just let him. The feeling of contact was comforting, it almost made Levi forget about wanting to puke.
"...fine." Levi mumbled, eyes locked on the scenery passing them by.
Thankfully, Hanji and Mike didn't say anything about the interaction. They were sitting across from Erwin and Levi in the carriage, some of the only other survey corps members to join them. With the animated way Hanji was talking about their new experiments with titans just waiting to happen, Levi wouldn't be surprised if they didn't even notice what was going on.
The gala was set to take place a day after they arrived so they had ample time to ready themselves, but Levi wanted to just get it over with. Sure, he'd agreed to going for Erwin's sake, but he still couldn't give two shits about the pompous assholes that were going to be there to awe over his athletic abilities.
"I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when you show off!" Hanji cackled, leaning forward so they could pat Levi's knee. He tried not to look too visibly disgusted. "It's been a while since you did."
Levi looked at Erwin, signaling his confusion. Erwin gave him a soft smile and Levi felt his insides twist in a weird enough way he had to clench his unoccupied fist to stop it.
"It's exciting to see you fly."
He had to look away again. The way Erwin looked at him was too much for him sometimes, even if he was trying his hardest to regain his memories of the two of them. There were too many emotions in Erwin's eyes.
"Whatever. Rich assholes."
Levi didn't speak again for the rest of the ride because he was trying not to puke most of the time and Erwin, to his credit, didn't try to pry any words from him. They arrived at the inn they would be staying at for the two nights they had to be there and even then Levi avoided speaking. It felt wrong sometimes, how he was almost imposing on the three of them. They were all clearly so close, and if he could just remember them he would be fine, but he couldn't. It felt terrible seeing them try their hardest to talk to him only for him to shut them down by saying he didn't remember what they were referring to.
"We should drink tonight!" Hanji nearly hollered, knocking into Mike's shoulder. Mike was too busy talking to someone-Nanaba? Was that her name?-to even care. "The MP's have to pay for our bullshit, so we should party while we can."
Levi could use a drink, honestly.
"I'll allow that tomorrow, but tonight I need everyone sober." Erwin set his bag down on the bed, smiling when Hanji complained about his stance. "This gala is to show off our finest soldiers, squad leader. I don't need any of you puking in the air."
Mike huffed a laugh. After that, everyone left to their corresponding rooms. The only two left were Erwin and Levi, and Levi was trying his hardest not to stare at the other man.
"Do you need anything, Levi?"
Levi blinked, pulling himself out of whatever stupor he found himself in. "I- uh. Yeah. This room."
They had discussed it before, how everyone in the corps had to double up on rooms due to budget cuts. Erwin had asked Levi if there was anyone he was comfortable sharing a room with and he was met with a resounding no, so the commander offered himself as a roommate. It made the most sense, but now that they were in the room together, Levi could feel the heat rising in his face. He tried not to let anything show.
"Yes, I'm sorry about this." Erwin began putting his clothes in the wardrobe. "There's two beds at least, if that makes things any better."
Levi nodded and dropped his pack on the other bed, lips pressed into a thin line. It was pretty late, he could feign exhaustion and just go to sleep without having to deal with anything, but he wasn't a coward.
"So. Tomorrow." Levi said.
"Sorry?"
"Uh. Tomorrow. What if I fuck up?"
Erwin smiled at him, rounding the other side of the bed so he could sit in front of Levi, giving him his full attention.
"Is that what you're worried about, Levi?"
"I don't know. Last I remember, I was just fucking around with the gear with Farlan. I've been training. But." Levi looked away. "They're expecting a lot, right?"
"They're expecting you, Levi."
Levi huffed. "They're expecting me with five years experience."
"You're everything you were before, Lee." Erwin was looking at him with those hopeful eyes, the ones that made Levi feel like mush inside.
Levi clicked his tongue, muttering something about Erwin being a "sentimental bastard," and Erwin laughed. He felt less tense, though, so that was a good sign. When they went to sleep in their respective beds it felt strange; from his point of view, they had never slept in the same room before. He knew that wasn't true, and he tried to think about a time that they did spend the night together. If he could just think about it hard enough, maybe it would come to him. A memory, something, anything.
Levi tried to think of Erwin's hair, the time he ran his fingers through it and how soft the strands were. That didn't bring any memories to the surface, so he ditched it. He thought back to the one time Erwin undressed in front of them when he was teaching Levi how to read; he had taken off his jacket and unbuttoned the first few buttons on his shirt and Levi had felt his throat go dry. The exposed skin that met him was smooth yet hard with muscle, and Levi had tried everything to keep himself from staring. He thought of what it would look like if Erwin had undone all of his buttons, even going as far as taking off his shirt. He tried to remember what he looked like in only his underwear, for memory purposes of course, because how else would he change into his sleeping attire? Just an hour ago he had changed in the bathroom to spare Levi any embarrassment and he had come back with a loose fitting shirt and pant combination. It didn't really help Levi's case.
He kept trying. Levi imagined Erwin naked save for his underwear, maybe he was saying something to Levi while they both got ready for bed. He was next to Levi then, pushing his fringe from his face. Erwin's hand slipped down to his chin, caressing as it went. Levi tilted his chin up and Erwin captured his lips, a sigh shared between the two of them. Levi's hands snaked their way around Erwin's waist, holding him still, and Erwin's tongue was prodding at his lips, asking for more. Levi obliged and they were moving together, bodies pressed tight, skin to skin. His body was heating up, reacting to Erwin's touches, and they both fell into the bed, Erwin pulling off Levi's pants so he could grab at his ass, rut into his thigh.
And then the real Erwin rolled over in his sleep, smacking his side table with an arm. He made a noise of complaint and fell back asleep.
Levi's eyes shot open, staring at the ceiling in shock. He didn't bother looking down at himself, he knew he was rock hard and tenting the sheets, so he merely rolled over and sighed. That wasn't exactly what he planned on thinking of. He didn't even know if that was a memory or just something his mind conjured up, but whatever it was, he couldn't mention it to Erwin. Or... should he? It's not like it would make things awkward between them, he and Erwin had been together, but he couldn't quite comprehend that they had been like that.
Levi knew better than to deal with his issue while Erwin was in the room with him, so he just adjusted himself and tried to actually go to sleep instead of think about fucking his commander.
"You want me to do what?"
Erwin placed a hand on his shoulder. "Levi, I already told you that this gala was for demonstration purposes.
Levi tched, knocking Erwin's hand from his shoulder as a show of mock bravado. He really wanted to melt into the floor. Too many people had talked to him so far, all pretending like they knew him, like he was important to them. A few women had actually wept in front of him, crying out that it was so tragic of him to lose his memories, like it was an entertaining performance that tugged at their heartstrings just enough that they wanted to comfort him. It took every ounce of preservation he had not to yell.
Erwin, for his part, stuck relatively close to Levi so the man wouldn't have to deal with these interactions alone. So many people expected Levi to know them, as if he had a special connection to them, and Erwin would step in and greet them, not so subtly redirecting their attention to himself or the effort of the survey corps.
When the entire military and their contributors gathered in the courtyard for the annual maneuvering gear demonstration, Levi felt like he was going to throw up. This was just something he had to do, his brain supplied. It was just training. The more he stared at the maze of fake titans and structures in the way of their course, the more he wanted to shrivel up and die.
Levi was confident in his abilities. The course would probably be too difficult for those who didn't regularly train, but any soldier in the survey corps would be fine. He wasn't afraid of failure, he was loathing the idea of others expecting him to perform for them. He was nothing but an object to be used, a weapon to be harnessed. He was humanities strongest, but who was he? Levi couldn't remember who the hell he was, why he was going along with this horrible display of military prowess, and he couldn't for the life of him understand why Erwin kept making his chest constrict whenever he said Levi's name.
"Ah, Levi, are you nervous?" Hanji came up beside him. They were grinning, but it felt like a taunt more than anything.
Levi didn't say anything.
"That's fine," they said, patting at the gas tanks at their hips. "I'll show off for you if you can't do it yourself, humanities strongest."
"Don't say stupid shit." Levi bit back. He was starting to seethe, the anger building up his chest and blossoming into a brilliant red on his cheeks. He still hadn't learned how to deal with his anger yet, dammit, but Erwin said it had taken him a while to temper it down anyways. It still pissed him off.
Hanji sighed. "That's so sad, though. It's a bummer having our strongest soldier sidelined because he forgot his tricks." They tossed their head back, eyes shut tight as they held their fists up to the sky. "You cruel world, you stole him from us!"
People were starting to take notice of what was going on, concerned whispers breaking out over the courtyard.
"Shut the fuck up!" Levi hissed. "I'm fine!"
Hanji's head whipped over at him, a devilish grin on their face. They spun around and put their hands on their hips, expression smug. "Amazing! I look forward to seeing you fly, captain!"
That was... confusing. Levi shook his head, turning away from the "obstacle course" to clear his head. Hanji had distracted him from his thoughts at least, so in the back of his mind he was grateful. That didn't mean he wasn't going to kick their ass later.
Surprisingly, almost every soldier had trouble getting through the obstacle course. Every MP that tried were thwarted almost instantly, and while the garrison held their own a lot better, they were still lack luster. The survey corps were able to really shine, finally, even if there were only a few soldiers who came. All of the rich assholes who were fawning over Levi before seemed to be vibrating with excitement, nervous looks being thrown at him everytime someone was knocked out of the air.
"You're not going to try?" He looked Erwin over, taking notice of his lack of gear.
"No, that wouldn't be very appropriate." Erwin chuckled. "And I would be pretty embarrassed if I failed it. They made it extremely difficult this year, I think they're really trying to test you."
Levi felt his face heat up. The combination of being reminded of people's expectations coupled with the hundreds of eyes on him seemed to be getting to him more than he expected any of it to. When Mike, arguably their best soldier besides him, apparently, was knocked out of the air at the very end by a surprise "titan" attack, Levi knew it was time to finally get it over with.
"Levi," Erwin placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please don't feel overwhelmed." When Levi gave him a look that said easy for you to say, Erwin smiled sheepishly. "You'll do incredibly. You- you're incredible, Levi. I-"
"This is stupid. I do this every year, why do they act like they've never seen this shit before?" Levi huffed. He was fiddling with his gear while Erwin stood beside him, chuckling into his hand.
"I think they're just fond of you."
Levi glared at him. "Fuck you."
"I can't blame them." When Levi stood back up from fixing the straps on his thighs, Erwin placed a hand on his cheek. He swiped his thumb over Levi's cheekbone, admiring the curve of his jaw, the fullness of his lips. "You're beautiful."
"Tch," Levi rolled his eyes, knocking at Erwin's shoulder to get him to stop with this downright indecent form of public affection. It's not as if their relationship was a secret or anything; he was sure that the entire military already knew, but it couldn't hurt to have a few noble women throw money at them with the hopes of someday winning their hearts. Erwin laughed everytime he'd said that. "And you're disgusting. Whatever, let's get this over with."
"I'll be certain to talk you up with some nobles while you're up there." Erwin tapped his chin in thought. "I'll bet I could even get a noble woman to bed you, since you speak so highly of them. Would you like that, Levi? They do find humanities strongest soldier quite-"
Before Erwin could finish his statement, Levi grabbed his bolo tie and yanked him down, forcing their mouths together in a scorching kiss. Erwin fell into it like it was exactly what he wanted and Levi mentally cursed him, but that didn't stop the slight grin breaking out on his face.
When they pulled apart, Erwin adjusted his tie. "Good luck, Levi. You'll do incredibly."
Levi was staring, he could tell. Erwin had at this point realized what was going on when he blanked out, and he simply held his shoulders to keep him from falling to his knees. When Levi blinked his eyes to try to regain his focus again, Erwin studied his face, concern laced in his expression.
"What did you remember?" He had that hopeful look on his face again, the one that he always had whenever Levi remembered something.
"I-," he struggled, not exactly wanting to explain that his memory consisted of kissing him. "You again. Nothing- don't worry about it."
Erwin looked crestfallen and it took all of the self control he had in him not to try and console the man, to tell him everything was alright and Levi was just too cowardly to deal with whatever was going on.
"Good luck, Levi."
Levi couldn't seem to get to the starting point of the obstacle course faster. Anything, as long as it meant he didn't have to see that solemn expression on Erwin's face.
He could feel the electricity in the air from just how tight everyone was wound. Levi had never felt nervous before, but he thought that maybe that's what it felt like. If he was in a better mood, a better place, maybe he would be excited.
He was halfway through the course and something hit his leg, knocking him to the side and almost to the ground before he could latch onto one of the dummies. He managed to swing around and slice the titans weak point before going on, dodging a large tree trunk they'd suspended in the air. Honestly, did they have anything better to do other than set this whole thing up? It was kind of embarrassing.
Something about his reflexes were... different. He'd never felt quite that fast at reacting, or as agile as he was underground. His body had remembered his past five years of training, even if he hadn't.
When he made it to the spot that Mike was knocked out at, it felt like nothing when he dodged it. It was way too easy, considering the grief it gave the rest of the military.
He dropped to the ground with a quiet thump, and the cheer from the crowd was almost deafening. There were nobles surrounding him now, all going on and on about how impressive he was, about how maybe the survey corps weren't just a waste of time and money.
"You truly are so magnificent!" A woman cried. She was too close for comfort, all flowery perfume and blushed cheeks. "Oh, even if you've lost your memories, you're still so talented!" To Levi's credit, he didn't immediately gag when she grabbed his hand.
"Thank you for attending, everyone!" It was Erwin speaking, and Levi didn't think he had ever felt so much relief over a man's voice before. "The survey corps is the strongest its ever been, now that we have our best fighters back on the front lines-"
Levi tuned out after that, something about how they were excited for him to be back and a bit of information regarding his recovery. Levi wasn't sure why everyone needed to know his business, but considering how much people were fawning over him, Erwin had a good reason to share.
The woman was still gripping his hand, hard and unrelenting. She hadn't really stopped talking, even if Levi wasn't listening, but he vaguely heard something about her trying to offer up herself as a form of gratitude. Levi almost had gagged then.
Somehow, he choked out a no without shouting it. He was reaching his limit, a fast approaching wall that was about to slam someone in the face, most likely the closest MP he could find. He ripped his hand away before she could say anything else, turning on his heel to meet up with the rest of the corps.
He tried not to focus too hard on the few people surrounding Erwin, or the way someone touched his arm, just above his elbow. Levi tried his best to tune out what they were saying, especially since it seemed they were trying to "console him." He couldn't think about it too much, because when he heard someone saying something about "since his memories are gone, are you and the captain still involved with each other?" while touching his bolo tie, a little too close for comfort. Levi immediately regretted turning around to see any of it, even when Erwin held up his hand to stop their advancements, and he pushed himself on until he was out of ear shot.
"You really are popular with the ladies, Levi," Hanji laughed, giving him a hardy thwack on the shoulder. It was the one he'd injured, but he refrained from wincing.
"Kind of ironic, right?" Mike asked. He tapped his chin in thought. "You won't even go for them."
There was a moment of silence, one in which even Hanji was quiet, only for Levi to break it with a quiet, breathy laugh. They all stared at him, the slight flush on his cheeks and the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, and then the rest of them were laughing.
When Levi looked to his left he saw Erwin staring at him, a dark red staining his cheeks. The blonde looked away once he was caught, a sheepish smile on his face.
"Apologies," Erwin muttered, eyes downcast in his cup of beer. He hesitated for a moment. "I-, I haven't seen you laugh in a while." Levi gripped his own cup a bit tighter. "I've missed it."
Mercifully, Erwin said that all low enough that no one else could eavesdrop, all engaged in their own conversations. The bar they were loitering in was just about closed at that point, only a few survey corps and garrison stragglers remained, including them.
Levi couldn't help but think about his memory of kissing Erwin. The way his lips easily moved against Levi's, how soft they were, the way his hand slipped to Levi's waist to hold him close. He never really thought of himself as one to open up to someone in such a way, but his memories were proof that he had. Erwin was proof enough.
When Erwin caught him staring, he asked if Levi was alright. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment before he coughed out a, "yeah, I'm fine."