Chapter Text
It started to drizzle as Bucky ducked his head into the small and warmly lit 24 hour coffee shop. There was a single barista who barely looked up when Bucky entered, face entranced in a book she was holding. He moved towards the back corner of the shop, anxious. As he rounded past the booth he spotted her, quietly sipping coffee out of a small mug. She glanced at him through her lashes before bringing her attention back to her coffee. Bucky sat down quietly across from her, noting the second mug of coffee in front of him.
They sat for a second before speaking,“Natashenka.”
“Solnishko.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Jeez, touchy much?” She rolled her eyes, a hint of a smile at her lips. “What’s going on? Haven’t gotten a call from you in a month. I was starting to think you hated me, Solnishko.”
“You realize the irony in calling me little sun don’t you?” Bucky gestured at himself, dressed in black with long dark hair and brooding eyes.
The smile was fuller this time, “Yes, and that’s exactly why it’s a great nickname.”
Bucky half smiled back at her before sighing.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Natasha’s brows knit together, “Why’d you call me so late? Is there something wrong?”
Bucky shook his head and stay silent for another moment. Where the hell to start? So much happened before Bucky was around and Steve refused to delve into it more than his passing nasty comments or odd looks of reminiscing. All Bucky knew is that they dated on and off, Tony was an asshole, and Steve was in love Bucky the entire time. Steve said he loved Tony too, but they just didn’t… work. Tony was too selfish, Tony talked too much, Tony worked too much, Tony wasn’t half the man he thought he was. It sounded like a huge messy Bucky would rather avoid than delve into. Steve and Tony’s business was theirs. Hell, Bucky hadn’t really known Steve was that into men, not that Steve had been that into anyone except for maybe Peggy.
Oh, and Bucky.
“Tell me about Steve and Tony.” He finally said, gaze locking in with Natasha’s, and watched her face fight back a reaction. He saw a slight twitch of her brows, and she stuttered in her response.
“I—Why do you think I know anything about that?”
Bucky was more intently watching her now, confused by the slight fault in her normally calculated demeanor. This is clearly a sensitive subject, but why the fuck does Natasha care? He continued despite his confusion, “Well, you’ve been around them since the beginning, you even spent a while spying on Tony. You used to live at the Tower, and you always know what’s going on with everyone. You’re creepy.”
Natasha slightly smiled but it didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. Something’s definitely off.
“It’s very… complicated. Can you at least tell me why you want to know?”
“Stevie never got into it, and I stopped asking. I didn’t think it mattered before, but there’s been… things that have happened recently and I feel like I need to know. Steve’s different than what I remember. I know that makes sense because I’m a very different person than I was before, but I want to know what happened.”
Natasha took another sip from her coffee and sighed, leaning her face on one of her hands. “Alright. It’s going to be a long story though.”
-NR-
And it was. Natasha delved into New York, Steve and Tony’s first and awful impressions of each other. The bickering that continued once they all moved into the tower together. Steve’s rants to her about Tony’s ego and attitude, slowing as the first month or two went by. She talked about the changes as time went on, gradual enough that she was the only one really picking up on them. Steve’s increasingly frequent nights in the lab, lingering eye contact, their nonstop bickering becoming more playful, almost affectionate. It wasn’t much of a surprise when she walked in on them kissing in the kitchen late one night. Tony had his back to the island counter, Steve leaning in and cupping his hand over the smaller man’s face. They both looked like deer in headlights when they turned and saw her. She smiled, told them she’s known for weeks and grabbed a bottle of water before sauntering out. She didn’t tell Barton about it at first, wanting Steve and Tony to have some time to figure each other out before Barton was making snide comments & kissy faces at them over breakfast. Eventually they had to tell the team after Tony made a not-so-subtle comment about Steve’s ass at dinner. Everyone but Nat looked at them, wide eyed. Tony realized his fuck up, before quickly regaining his composure and grinning. “What, you all still haven’t figured it out yet?” Steve was red in the face but grabbed and squeezed Tony’s hand in solidarity. Nat pinched Barton before he had the chance to make a joke, and everyone shook their heads and continued to eat.
Natasha didn’t know a lot about their first breakup, but she knew Tony was devastated. He spent three days without sleep in his lab, locking everyone out. She crawled through the vents on the fourth day, JARVIS let her bypass his security since he was even more worried about Tony’s wellbeing. She found him passed out on his workbench, eyes red and sore. His black tank topped was ripped and stained and his hair was a mess. She had more sympathy for Tony than she’d like to admit and still felt bad for her words: Tony Stark: Not Recommended. She pushed Tony’s hair out of his eyes and wiped off some oil & grease marks on his cheek. The man was heavy, but she was able to half-guide half-carry him over the the overstuffed sofa on the opposite end of the lab. When he finally collapsed on the couch, she sat down next to him. She ran her fingers through his hair and looked at his face. Every line was etched deep in his skin, he was so vulnerable without his “Tony Stark” façade.
“Sleep Antosha,” she whispered as she covered him with a blanket Dum-E had brought over. She left a bottle of water and lunch for him, later verifying with JARVIS that he did finally eat after he woke up.
He and Steve got back together after a week or two and Tony was happier than ever, until the next breakup came and he went back to hiding. She never could figure out exactly what their fights were, Steve always blew her off when she asked and simply said “Tony’s just being an insecure ass.” She spent a lot of time each day with Steve & Barton, typically training or doing smaller missions for SHEILD. Tony and Bruce spent most of their time together down working in each other’s labs. But she continued to make those secret trips to Tony’s lab. She always checked with JARVIS to ensure Tony was asleep, and quietly slipped through the vents to deliver food, coffee, or simply to check up on him. He fell asleep at his desk a lot, and one time she found him asleep with half the iron man suit still on. The bots happily beeped every time she came, though they learned quickly to be quiet around sleeping Tony. Natasha found these visits calming, a stark—no pun intended—contrast to Tony’s day to day actions. He still held up walls around everyone, trying to keep up his cliché billionaire persona. He refused to show vulnerability around the others, she knew he was vulnerable around Steve, though. That’s why he couldn’t handle the rejection he experience every time they broke up.
Tony knew she was coming into his lab, despite the fact that JARVIS ignored his questions about where the food came from and why he suddenly had a fuzzy Iron Man blanket around him. Tony had had a particularly bad night and Natasha had crawled through the vents to bring him some food & tea. He was, for once, asleep on the actual couch in his lab. He was sprawled uncomfortable across it, right arm and leg hanging off the side. Natasha placed the food & tea down on the work bench and walked over to sleeping Tony. She carefully lifted his hand and leg back onto the couch and lifted his head to place a small pillow below it. She grabbed the closest blanket, a fuzzy green “Hulk Smash!” blanket Banner had wanted to burn the second Tony brought it home. She tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and softly pressed her lips to his forehead. She turned and began walking away when Tony sleepily mumbled, “mmthanks, Tasha.”
“You’re welcome, Antosha.”
A few months passed without any big changes, but Natasha could tell Steve and Tony were getting more drained and quiet by the day. They still bickered, still fought well together as Avengers, but neither one of them were happy.
”I love him, Nat" Steve said one night while they sat alone on the balcony.
“I know you do Steve, he loves you too. You both will work it out like you normally do.
“No, not Tony. I love Bucky”
Natasha raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing, prompting him to continue.
“I mean, I do love Tony. I really do, and he makes me really, really happy sometimes. I just—I can’t let go. Every time I see Tony’s face part of me wishes it was him, it was Bucky. It’s killing me, not knowing what we could’ve been, what we could’ve—“ He choked back a sob as Natasha turned, realizing he had tears streaming down his face. She took him into a tight embrace, pressing his face into her shoulder.
“I… I don’t know what to do…” Steve cried harder, fumbling over his words, “I can’t let the thought of him go, I can’t let the past go Nat. I’m hurting Tony every day and I hate it! I want to be with him, I want him to be enough but he just isn’t!” Steve’s shoulders shook as she quietly shushed him, rocking slightly and rubbing circles on his back.
“You have to tell him, Steve. You know it’s not fair to Tony.” She quietly mumbled after Steve’s sobs slowed.
“I can’t—I can’t Nat. I don’t want to lose him too. I’m never going to have my Bu—my Bucky. I’m never going to have him, I can’t lose Tony too.” Natasha stayed quiet, still holding Steve.
Her heart hurt for both men, knowing what Steve was doing was an act of desperation, but it was still wrong. He was using Tony as a second best, as a replacement. Tony so desperately loved Steve, though. He didn’t want to lose him either. Ugh, when did my life become a superhero soap opera?
She knew what she needed to do. She loved Steve, but using someone just because you’re afraid to be alone is fucking wrong. Tony didn’t deserve to be treated as second best, and no matter how much it’ll hurt Steve it’s better for everyone. Natasha tried to stay neutral for too long, played both sides but she knew she wasn’t doing what was right for either of them.
She got in the elevator on her floor and hit the button for the main level of the Tower after confirming with JARVIS Tony was there. It had been long enough, and if Steve wasn’t going to be direct with him Natasha would. When she walked in she saw the rest of the avengers in the main living room, Steve standing and the others in various spots on the massive sofa. Her eyes immediately went to Tony, who looked ghostly pale. She was immediately concerned, his eyes looked like the sickest combination of desperation, sadness, and… fear? Steve’s head turned to her as she entered, the widest smile she’d ever seen on him plastered across his face. He walked towards her, “Nat! They found him!” He wrapped her in a painful tight hug and spun her, laughing, “they found my Bucky!”
All she could see over Steve’s shoulder was Tony’s face, drained and vulnerable.
Natasha looked up from her hands, which she had been staring at the entire time she spoke. Bucky’s eyes were wide, his whole body tense. She looked at her watch and almost choked when she realized she’d been nonstop talking for over an hour.