Chapter Text
Technoblade has never been one to love.
He lives, he sees the run rise, watches it set once more. He works, he walks, he breathes.
He trusts.
He watches the trust shatter. He watches those who he put his faith in leave and wither away, watches his brother become a shell of who he once was, watches his last and youngest brother leave him. He cries, he mourns. He lives.
Techno may have loved, once long ago. Not a romantic love, but one that runs deep all the same, one that makes him beam with joy. One that feels like his heart is being hugged, makes him feel like the breeze on a chilly autumn morning, warms him and makes him feel like truly, he is on top of the world.
It never lasts, Techno thinks. He watches those who he loved leave, and wonders if Love was ever truly worth the heartbreak that came afterwards.
Are the lonely nights of silent sobs racking his body, making him shake with every heave, making him gasp for breath and long for a hug only to realize that nobody will ever run to his side again truly worth it? Is Love worth this kind of pain?
It isn’t worth it.
He doesn’t want to love anymore, he decides. He puts on his mask one final time, and resolves never to take it off, never to be vulnerable, and never again love. Love is pain, Techno thinks. Techno hates pain. It’s familiar, it's- it’s Pain - Having to watch those he loves turn around on him.
He thinks he might have loved Phil once upon a time. He remembers growing up, lively and full of joy. He remembers when the voices used to be manageable, remembers when he would laugh and spar and trip and- he remembers when he used to truly live. He remembers the smiles, the smell of hot chocolate on a cold winter night. He remembers leaving.
He remembers going to Hypixel and then his potato farm.
He remembers being alone.
It was lonely. The messages from his family became scarce, and the updates began to come to a slow and cease entirely. It was just him and his stupid potatoes. He remembers the nights where he sat, chest heaving with sobs, wondering why nobody seemed to love him, why the universe seemed to decide that He was not worthy of Love.
Of course, it was a shock when he got a message from the youngest of their family, telling him that they needed help in a war on a server he hadn’t even known they had moved to.
He thinks back to how he thought that maybe finally, he could learn to love once more.
Through the whole thing, he was never anything more than a pawn. He thinks back to how he arrived and realised that Phil wasn’t here . His baby brothers had been left to fight in a fucking war and their fucking father was absent. He thinks back to how they were both different, more rough and hardened, thinks back to how Tommy was mature far beyond his years.
He remembers watching Wilbur break.
Remembers watching him finally crack under the weight of the world, watching him slowly lose his mind, watched him get betrayed time after time, watching the Love finally drain from his soul. He remembers the nights where he could hear him lock the doors and cry.
He supposes that part of the reason that he may be scared of loving is because he doesn’t want to end up like his younger brother did.
They all watch as Wilbur spirals. They all watch as Techno breaks under the pressure and the voices finally get the most of him, watch as he grabs his crossbow, blanks out, and shoots a child and a crowd of people. He doesn’t think he’ll ever feel worse than he did on that day.
They all watch as Wilbur blows up the country, watch as Phil finally decides to come check on them, only to be too late. They watch as Wilbur begs for death, watch as Phil grants him that wish. They all watch as Techno finally blows the fucking place to the ground. He feels like he’s watching himself from a distance, when he spawns the withers and tries to go after Tommy.
He doesn’t recognize himself.
This isn’t him.
This isn’t love.
He misses love.
He misses the nights where Tommy would stumble into his room, bright and full of life, begging him to read a story.
He misses the nights when all three of the brothers would sit and watch Wilbur strum his guitar, bobbing their head and singing along to his newest song.
He misses when they would all get scared during thunderstorms and hug it out, although all three were too prideful to admit it in the morning.
This isn’t love.
He misses love.
----
Today, he’s picked up a book. It seems old, practically ancient. Phil gave it to him before he left, he remembers. Phil is living with him now, but he figures he might as well give it a read considering his mass boredom. He flips the book, and quickly scans the cover.
‘End Poem’, the title reads.
He begins to read. He reads the tale of the Player, reads of the Universe, reads of the land and the skies. Reads of the code, reads of The End, reads of Life. He reads of the truth, of the safety, of the World.
And then he gets to the final page.
and the universe said I love you
Techno almost shuts the book. The universe could not love. He could not love. He would never love anybody, not himself, not the universe, not the world. Not after how it treated him.
and the universe said you have played the game well
Techno hadn’t played well. He had hurt, he had cried, he had broken himself and others. He had blown things up, he had cut ties, burned bridges, disconnected himself.
and the universe said everything you need is within you
and the universe said you are stronger than you know
He’s crying now. He’s not strong. He’s never been strong enough, he’s always been weak and small and somehow people think that he’s a fierce warrior built to kill and ruin. People think he’s the strong, unbeatable villain. He’s barely an adult. He’s not strong. He is not strong.
and the universe said you are the daylight
and the universe said you are the night
and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you
That’s new. He thinks it's ironic, how everybody on this server including himself has tried to fight each other. They’ve all tried to fight each other thinking that they will eliminate the threat and darkness, when really, they themselves are their own biggest enemies.
and the universe said the light you seek is within you
He wonders how different it would all be if everybody learned to seek the light inside themselves, to kindle the flame and then help light each other’s fires.
and the universe said you are not alone
Maybe he isn’t alone. Maybe despite it all, he has Phil and Ranboo and Steve, just like how Tubbo has Tommy, just like how Niki has Jack. He thinks that maybe none of them are truly alone, none of them are truly broken.
and the universe said you are not separate from every other thing
This line confuses him, but it sticks with him. It settles in his chest and spreads to his heart. Maybe he isn’t separate. Not from the world, not from life, not from Love. Maybe he’s just like the rest. Maybe they’re all the same, in the end.
and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code
Maybe the universe is him. Maybe he has the potential to change it all, has the potential to love, has the potential to change his own destiny. Maybe he can change the code, change the universe. Maybe, just maybe, he can Love.
and the universe said I love you because you are love.
Maybe he is. Maybe he is Love. Maybe he can love, maybe he can make others love, too.
Maybe the pain is worth it. Maybe he can deal with it if it means that he others will Love. Maybe the feeling of Loving is worth it.
Maybe he’s worth it.
He shuts the book. He wants to fix this. He knows he can't mend everything and everyone, but maybe if he loves enough, others will love the same. Maybe love is the true solution. Maybe he’s tired of fighting others, too. Maybe he needs to fight the darkness inside himself, and then help others fight theirs
He can fix this.