Chapter Text
Benny loved his mother, she was a sweet old woman with two dogs and always wore a cardigan. He truly adored her, but at the present moment, she was testing his patience.
She sat before him on his iPad on Facetime, wearing a mask.
“Ma, you don’t need to wear a mask. We’re on Facetime, over the internet. You won’t get any germs from this.”
“ Ack , Dimitri. Then how can I see you? And not get germs? Explain.”
“Because this is over Facetime, you are in Virginia. I am in Lexington.”
“You’re in my living room.”
“Ma, please ,” Benny sighed, rubbing his eyes. Beth was grating at him about masks and cleaning, constantly she was cleaning . He loved her, but he couldn’t bring herself to touch her hands anymore from the feeling of her blistered and raw skin.
It hurt him to see her so distressed.
“I haven’t heard from Nadia.”
“She’s too busy in Prague, Ma,” Benny looked up when he saw Beth walk through the room in her rubber gloves. Of course, every other hour she religiously wiped down the kitchen.
“You are being safe, aren’t you? No funny business.”
“I’m with Beth, we’re in Lexington.” Benny had told his mother this multiple times but it never seemed to stick. He had told his mother multiple times his sister was busy in Prague which was why she couldn’t ring.
Nothing seemed to sink in.
“Nice to see you. Are you still going by Benny?”
“Yes.”
“Stupid name,” she tutted. “ Benny . It’s cheap. You have the name of kings, and you choose an American Benny because you liked that song by Elton John.”
Benny did not need to be reminded of his full name. His full name, Dimitri Ivan Sergei Watts. As soon as Benny had the chance, he changed his name to Benny. Why Benny? Because he had heard Benny & The Jets by Elton John on the radio and was desperate for a name that did not require you to draw breath twice to say.
“It fits the aesthetic.”
“Ah yes, you are a cowboy . You are an American through and through. You wanted to be a zookeeper when you were knee-high, why the change?”
Benny just rolled his eyes. “Bye, ma.”
“Are you going?”
“ Da . It’s cleaning time.”
“Oh you clean now? Do you know what a mop is? Have you learned to wash your cup when you are done instead of leaving it? Liza has you trained well.”
“I’m not a dog.”
“You act like one. Goodbye, Dimitri.”
“Bye,” Benny smiled, and blew a kiss. He saw his mother’s face light up, her eyes twinkling as she pretended to catch it then returning one.
“How do I hang up?”
“I’ll do it,” Benny said, hanging up and then sinking low into his armchair, rubbing his face and just taking a deep breath.
“Dimitri?” he heard Beth scoff from somewhere.
“Don’t you start, Elizabeth.”
“I didn’t know your mother spoke Russian.”
“I like to hope she does, seeing as she is Russian,” he looked up at her. She stood in his favorite pose, if he wanted a way to remember Beth Harmon it would be in this way. She stood, shoulder resting on the door frame with a hand on her hip. She looked glorious and powerful.
“Your mother is Russian?”
“Her name is Irina, my father was an Irish immigrant from Cork, he was called Tadgh.” he explained, getting up to rest his hands on her hips. “Have I never told you about my family?”
“No.”
“Well, my father was from Cork and my mother was from Irkutsk. She fled to America and my father immigrated. They met at a bakery,” he smiled. “Da bought her a loaf of bread and she said she’d pay him back one day. And every Sunday they met to have coffee on the street and eat fresh bread.”
“That’s… that’s sweet,” Beth said quietly. “I didn’t expect your family to be nice.”
“Nadia is ten years older than me. They had Nadia when Ma was only nineteen, then there was Oisin, he died.”
“Oisin?”
“Irish name, my father named him. He was the youngest.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was…” how did Benny say Oisin had fallen into the wrong crowd and drank himself to death? How did he say that his Ma still insisted he would come home someday? Instead, Benny shrugged. “It was hard.”
Beth wrapped her arms around his waist so he was closer to her, pressing her head to his then a light kiss to his cheek.
“I love you.”
“Я люблю тебя всем сердцем,” He whispered into his ear, kissing her cheek in return. He felt the blush that crept into her cheeks when he said that, watched her pull away to busy herself in the kitchen. He would tell her it every day until she believed him.
He loved Beth Harmon with all of his old and tattered heart.
*
They had good days, and they had bad days. It was normal, every couple had those days. But when they had bad days, they truly were bad days.
Benny usually could figure out what sort of day they would have by how long Beth spent in the bathroom in the morning. If she was quick, it was a bad day. If it was long, it was a good day. If she started singing, it was a great day.
Beth barely had been in the bathroom for ten minutes and he knew it was a bad day.
Benny counted the minutes, he found it to be useful. Each time he counted it was less than ten minutes, he felt his insides twist and clench in anxiety. He never let it show and tried to go about his day. He loved Beth, but he couldn’t deny that just being in the room with her was difficult. It felt like the room was filling with invisible smoke, the walls were closing in on him and he couldn't breathe. He tried to focus on the game in front of him, but the sight of Beth in the corner of his eye wouldn’t leave him alone. He felt his flight or flight reflex was always ready and, god, he was tired of it. He was tired of anticipating when she would lash out at him.
The house seemed cute and cozy to him at first. It was a difference from his basement apartment and he welcomed the change. Now it seemed like a concrete cage. A labyrinth. In his place, he could see the whole place from anywhere. Here, he began to feel like something would jump at him when he turned a corner or opened a door.
He tried to tell Beth that they were being careful, they were doing everything they were supposed to be doing. She didn’t even try to understand or find a common ground. He began to think she didn’t even listen to a word he was saying. She was stuck in her own mindset and maybe he was too. But he tried, he started being more cautious so why couldn’t she let up? Why couldn’t she meet him in the middle?
He found ways to sneak out of the house. And when he snuck out of the house, he made sure to make the trip last. When he went grocery shopping, it was often in the afternoon. Everyone was going home from work at that time and traffic jams were inevitable. All grocery stores were packed too, as these people often stopped there to buy something. He would take his time, walk through every aisle. Even the aisle with pet food and toys. He and Beth had no plans of getting a pet, and he never told anyone, but he wouldn’t mind a dog.
Sometimes as he walked inside with the bags, he would say he forgot something. He never forgot anything, it was just a ploy to get out of the house again. He left the thing in his car. Then he would drive around or find a quiet place to just stop and think. After making some sense out of all this mess, he would go back and bring the thing he was supposed to buy.
“Hey, I’m back. I have the pasta.” He said as he walked inside and closed the door behind him. He hung his coat on the rack and went straight to the kitchen so he could put the pasta away. There he found Beth, aggressively scrubbing the kitchen counter clean.
“Hey.” He tried to sound happy to see her, he really did.
“Hi.” She looked up at him briefly and then her eyes fell back on the cloth in her hand.
“I got the pasta.” He walked over to the cabinet where the durable food was. When he turned around, Beth was standing a few feet away with arms crossed. The familiar feeling of being an intruder in the house returned.
“Are you cheating on me?”
“What?”
“Answer the question, Benny.” Her look was stern. Little tears were brewing in the corners of her eyes and Benny’s heart broke.
“Why in the hell would you think I’m cheating on you?”
“Because…” Tears threatened to spill, but Beth was too stubborn to let them. She grit her teeth, tilting her head back to force them into place. Benny’s hand itched, he wanted to wipe it away that much. He knew she wouldn’t let him, he knew she flinched at his touch when he returned from shops until he cleaned his hand. “…you’re gone all the time. Every time you go somewhere you rush out and then you come back and you avoid me. We don’t talk anymore and if we do, it’s only about chess, chores, or shopping list.”
“Beth.” Benny’s chin dropped to his chest.
“Did I do something? If I did, can I fix it?”
“I am not cheating on you, so get that out of your head right now. I would never do that to you.”
“What is it then?” Beth’s voice raised suddenly, colored with desperation and exhaustion. Benny was a little taken aback.
“You want to know? You sure?” Benny didn’t know what kind of adrenaline rush came over him when he slowly walked towards Beth, stopping mere inches from her face. “You have turned into a nightmare, Beth. Always cleaning, always scrubbing and bleaching and sanitizing, it's unlike anything I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I can’t breathe in here, I can’t move in fear of breaking this… this fucking glass menagerie you’ve created in here.” Just as his wave of courage seemed to go up one moment, in the next it seemed to freefall. Did I just say that?
Beth was silent, processing the words that Benny had just said. Part of Benny felt bad, the other was grateful, because he needed to say it.
“I am doing it for us, ” Beth hissed. “To keep us safe. To keep you safe. Why can’t you see that!”
“You’re not doing anything to keep us safe. At the start, sure. But now it's obsessive , Beth! Every damn minute you’re cleaning and scrubbing. You don’t look at me, you don’t talk to me. Do you really believe we are safe in this house? And I’m not talking about the pandemic. Do you think we are fine?” He motioned to the space between them with his hand.
“You stubborn piece of shit. I am trying over here, unlike you.”
“You’re driving yourself insane! I am terrified for you. Every damn fucking day I expect something, I don’t know what but I just expect it. Someday, I’m ready for this house to completely collapse around us. Or you hurt yourself from cleaning. And then I feel like I’m going insane. You’re insufferable and being in the same room with you is… It’s… I hate it, okay?”
“Then why don’t drive back to New York and spend the rest of the quarantine in your fucking dump hole?”
“You know what? Maybe I will.”
“Great. In that case, I’ll help you pack.” With that, she stormed off. Benny stood there for a second or two before he went after her. He followed her upstairs. He found her standing by the open window, with his cowboy hat in her hand, ready to throw it like a frisbee.
“Don’t you dare.” He said threateningly.
“Watch me.” She got ready to throw the hat.
“Weeeeee.” She said in a childlike way as she outstretched her hand and let go.
“No!” Benny ran to the window. He knew there was no way of catching the hat, he could only watch it land on the grass softly. He turned to Beth, with a scathing look in his eyes. “You want to do this? Okay, this is a game for two.”
He walked over to her closet and grabbed a bunch of dresses, not even bothering to take them off the hangers. Soon they flew out of the windows too.
“You asshole.” She yelled as she grabbed some of his clothes and walked with them to the window.
Then Benny threw some of her shoes. Benny’s shirts landed on the grass. Beth’s t-shirts. Benny’s pants. Beth’s pants. Benny’s shoes. Beth’s winter coats. Benny’s ridiculous collection of jewelry.
“Fuck you!” Benny would yell.
“Eat glass, Benny!” Beth would yell back.
Benny found a small peculiar-looking vintage box in the back of the closet. There was something shaking inside, but he didn’t think about it at that moment. It was heavy enough to fly through the window if thrown from the other side of the room. He didn’t hesitate, he turned around to throw it.
“Benny, no! Throw anything, but not that box!” The little box opened upon landing and its contents shattered.
My mother’s cup. Benny walked to the window to see what she was looking at. When he spotted it, he wanted to throw himself out of the window next.
Tears were burning in her eyes, but Beth didn’t care. She was seeing red.
She looked at him. Truly looked at him. He knew that look, it was the one she gave someone before she destroyed them in chess. He had never been on the receiving end of it, and now Benny felt as though his body was being burned alive.
“You…” She was at a loss of words. She sounded so…. childlike. Like Benny had finally crushed whatever little bit of composure she held. Luckily, actions speak louder than words. She grabbed the first thing her fingers landed on, a pillow.
She threw it. Benny dodged it.
Not hard enough.
Then she grabbed a lamp.
“Beth, come on,” Benny said, trying to pacify her. She was terrifying, more and more Benny was discovering her temper. The lamp hit him in the leg. He felt a mild twinge but nothing serious.
Still not enough.
Then she grabbed a picture frame that was sitting on her bedside table and threw it. The movement was so fluid that Benny didn’t even see it coming.
A fraction of a second later, he felt a sharp pain on his forehead. He brought his hand up to soothe the spot that hurt the most. He hissed at the contact and had to pull his hand away. Blood was on his fingers. His eyes darted between Beth and his hand a few times.
Was he truly seeing blood?
“Benny, I am so sorry,” Beth said with a pleading tone. It was as if the words didn’t fully reach Benny’s brain. Then Beth stepped towards him and he stepped back.
“No, don’t touch me.”
“Benny, you’re bleeding.” Her eyes were transfixed on the small wound on his forehead.
“Leave me alone,” he breathed. He didn’t believe she had done it. Benny quickly moved for the bathroom before she could come closer and locked the door behind him.