Chapter Text
The bus ride to school felt excruciatingly long.
Taichi let out a heavy breath, liked he’d be holding it ever since he left Touma’s apartment last night. His google search was fruitless – strangers on the internet were assigning him with feelings he already knew he had for Touma: admiration, love, friendship. Of course, he feels that. Of course, he admires Touma. A kiss isn’t inherently sexual.
The countryside rushed alongside Taichi, the sun barely rising above the hills. The buses were always quiet around this time, a calmness that eased into Taichi like the morning fog on the sea. Pressing himself against the window, he traced his fingers along the edges, the cold seeping in, etching goosebumps on skin. When was the last time Taichi’s heart raced like this? Had his heart even beat a single tune since Touma had confessed?
He felt dramatic. The bus flung him forward, signaling that he had arrived. Shaking himself off, he exited the bus and was met with more mountains of schoolwork. An easy distraction.
-
A few days later, Taichi received a text from Touma.
Taichi! You down for dinner later tonight? I have news!
Taichi’s stomach churned. Was it because he was hungry or the thought of “news”? He decided that it didn’t matter. Either way, he knew there was a way to relieve himself.
He texted Touma back immediately.
Down.
-
Taichi had always appreciated how close Touma’s apartment was, a measly 10 minutes, but today, he wished it took hours. He walked in circles around their neighborhood, turning thoughts over in his head over and over again.
Why am I so shy around you? Why does it feel like the moment I see you, I’ll confess? Why am I so…. ashamed?
As he walked, Taichi kicked the same rock around letting its path guide him in and out of alleys and driveways. The hum of the streetlights rang out like a chorus as the sun slowly sank to rest. Touma had texted him again, asking if he was on his way. He cringed, sending back profuse apologies and reassurance that he was coming.
I’ve never known what it feels like to be so comfortable with tenderness. You are far too gentle for my hands to hold you.
Taichi felt an aching thickness reach his throat. He sat down and opened his water bottle to wet his hands, splashing water onto his reddening cheeks. Anxieties flushed his cheeks, but the coolness of the water felt like hands pulling him back up to the surface. He was supposed to talk to Futaba tomorrow. What would he make of that call? Were these feelings considered adulterous? He felt sick at the thought of Futaba miserable with the weight of his actions. That’s right: you have a girlfriend, idiot. Taichi looked up to the sky, colored with the pinks and yellows of a day ending. He counted to ten, bracing each number, before rising from the sidewalk to continue along the road.
Upon arriving, Touma greeted him with a cup of tea.
“Taichi! Come in, come in!”
“Hey. Thanks for the tea.”
“No worries! Please, sit, dinner’s ready!”
Touma’s cooking never failed to leave Taichi feeling so full and warm. He finished his meal within minutes, stuffing himself to keep his mouth busy with something other than words stumbling over one another. He watched Touma’s mouth, his thumb gently gliding across his lower lip as he cleaned himself after the meal. Taichi asked the one thing he knew Touma wouldn’t bring up himself – the humble bastard.
“So, what’s the news?”
Touma looked down and smiled, then met Taichi’s gaze with eyes glittering with what Taichi knew was a product of pure, romantic infatuation.
“Ryo and I have another date next week!”
Taichi could feel his hands tense up, gripping his leg to keep himself from falling over onto the floor.
“That’s so great! How was the date?”
“It was perfect. We met at a café, and he told me about his thesis that he’s working on. Sometimes, I feel so small when I talk to him because of how intelligent he is, but he likes to remind me of all my accomplishments. I talked about you, too.”
Taichi rested his head in one hand; here come the goosebumps. He let out a small laugh.
“Me?”
“Of course. He knows so much about you, already. You’re my best friend. Of course, I want the world to know that, too.”
Taichi felt the wave come crashing down over his head, ringing in his ears and sinking his feet into the floor. How the fuck do you accept compliments?
“I’m not cool enough for all that sweet talk. Are you trying to butter me up for a favor or something?”
Touma laughed. “It’s true! I wish you could see yourself the way we all see you.”
“How do you see me?”
A soft moment of silence.
“I don’t think I could put it into words,” Touma said through a smile. Taichi felt robbed. Why did he want to know this so badly? “But anyway, Ryo was so sweet. We walked to the beach together and listened to music a bit as we talked. We even held hands. It’s weird, how new everything feels. But it all feels like something I’ve waited so long for. It feels like freedom.”
Taichi couldn’t help but feel happy for his friend. As much as it hurt. Why did this feel like jealousy? Jealously… for what? Or, whom?
“So another date then?”
“Yeah, I still don’t know if it’s the newness or him, but it’s exciting! Everything that worried me in high school feels so far away now. But, I don’t want to bore you with all the details. I know first dates aren’t anything new for you. It must be nice to be with Futaba, not having to be nervous or shy anymore about someone you like.”
But I am shy. You make me feel so fucking shy.
“Yeah, I know I probably made a fool of myself back then.”
“All that blushing is pretty on-brand for you, I have to admit.”
Taichi grimaced and gave him a soft punch. “What happened to buttering me up?” Touma just laughed.
“Come on, we can watch the movie in my room. If you want, you can spend the night, since it’s a Friday. Or, do you have homework?”
“Ah, I’ll probably go home. I have a few papers due next week.”
“Well, if you change your mind, I have pajamas you can borrow, too.”
They sat down on Touma’s bed, the movie much more like ambiance music to Taichi’s racing heart. Taichi’s eyes drooped, his limbs like bags of sand at any small movement. Before he knew it, the two of them had fallen asleep.
-
Taichi woke up overheated. A soft groan rose from his mouth, rubbing his eyes free of the morning grogginess. He felt held, for some reason.
Upon opening his eyes, senses returning to his body, he realized he was, in fact, being held. By Touma.
Lightning struck through his spine as he felt Touma’s limbs intertwined with his own. Over the course of the night, the two of them had gravitated towards the other, pulling each other into a knot of limbs and fingers. The sound of the birds outside the window, the soft lavender hues melted the edges of the room, and Touma’s chest rising and falling with each breath made Taichi hate himself more than he could even describe. This is a dream. This is his beautiful life and he’s never hated himself more than he does in this moment.
Have I always had these feelings? Were they just buried somewhere, dusted with time and denial, so much so that they were forgotten? Why don’t I want this to end?
With a sigh, he untangled himself, leaving their hands touching ever so slightly. Taichi couldn’t stop himself from studying Touma, rolled over on his side to face him. Taichi, as if possessed by the version of himself in his dream, reached out his other hand to cup Touma’s face. Rubbing his thumb across his cheek, Taichi felt his heartbeat racing with anticipation. And for what, exactly? Something Taichi didn’t want to admit.
The movement caused Touma to wake up, yawning and groggy with the morning having graced his eyes with the sweetest sleepiness. Taichi’s stomach turned and twisted, swiping his hand away and praying Touma hadn’t noticed.
He hummed, smiling softly. “Good morning.”
“Sorry, I know I said I wasn’t going to spend the night.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m more concerned that you slept with jeans on,” Touma giggled, causing Taichi to ease up. It was like muscle memory, what his laugh did to him.
To Taichi’s shock, Touma hadn’t moved his hand away from his. He pretended not to notice.
Something about the morning and sleepiness in their eyes gave Taichi a boost of confidence he didn’t know he had in him. It was probably somewhere around six in the morning, Touma’s room washed in hues of blue and a quiet calm just like the bus ride. This moment was blanketed in some sort of secrecy, vulnerability, softness. Without thinking, Taichi looked up at Touma.
“How do you see me?”
Touma took a moment to look at the ceiling.
“I see you as an open sky.”