Chapter Text
The morning bring sadness, the type that makes one stare up at the ceiling from their bed for hours
As this is what Barney is doing now.
You blame it on being an alcoholic at such a young age
Damn, you should have never listened to your uni friends
You swore you’d just be a social drinker
Then you dropped out.
Joined security ‘cause that’s the only thing you were good for
Now look where you are.
“Hey Barn- Barney?”
You shook your head, as if you were trying to dissipate the dark clouds around them
You don’t want anyone else to see
None of their business
God you wish Gordon was here
He’d find something to say, something that will make everything better
He’d be able to tell
He always can.
“Uh, yeah?”
You could tell Shep was trying to figure out why you looked like shit
After all, the last week has been fun!
You hate these mood swings.
“I was just checking in on you, I thought you’d be up by now? I mean, no pressure, we’ve got nothing to do after all.”
An awkward shuffling of feet and an even more awkward chuckle, Shep didn’t seem use to comforting people
You weren’t either.
“Just a lazy day y’know?”
Shep chuckled, making some awkward small talk of ‘One of those days.’
You feigned a smile, it seemed to satisfy whatever anxiety he had about you, leaving with a ‘see you later’
Yeah
Yeah, you’ll see him later
Whatever later is here.
At least having your hands resting on your chest stop you from fidgeting
You remember getting in trouble for it at school.
Sometimes you’re shocked
That you can still remember parts of your childhood
You thought the alcohol got rid of it
Or, at least
It got rid of the good parts
If there were any.
You hate being in a slump, you tried to get better
But
Every ‘night’, being alone with your thoughts, remembering and trying to processing what happened in Black Mesa
You can’t talk with Shep, obviously
It’s your problem.
You wish every night that Gordon was here
You remember the nights you two would stay up late, confining secrets in each other that you both promised to take to the grave.
You miss him
But
You don’t even know if he’s alive.
Maybe you should ask the suit, if he’ll even talk to you.
It’s been a week
And you haven’t gotten any better.
You can tell Shep is getting more and more concerned
You appreciate that about him
He’s a nice guy, at least those boots didn’t drill that out of him.
Now you know why people say to get an animal when you’re depressed
Cause the dogs have been coming in sometimes
At first you pushed them away
But
As you listen to their sleepy breathing as they lay on you
You find a sense of peace, out of all this misery.
You feel bad for abandoning Shep, but he’s got the suit to keep him company.
When he does come around
He seems to only make visits when Shep calls him
You can tell, since he always seems to come after Shep checks to see if you’ll leave your room that day
You feel like an ass for saying ‘I’ll try.’
But
You wanna try and be honest.
And the routine repeats
You can hear the suit talking to Shep
They sound closer than normal
He’s probably gonna say something to you
Great.
The dogs wake up at the suit knocking on your door
At least he has the decency to knock
Some just believe they own the right to walk in
You mumble out a reply
Although it’s not anything coherent.
He takes that as a agreement to open the door
You’re not sure what the reply meant.
The dogs jump up, delighted to see him for some reason
He pats them, casually, his expression neutral
Shep calls them to him, allowing the suit to walk into your room
You acknowledge him by looking at him, but you stay lying down
“Misss-ter… Calhoun…”
You can’t help but let out a groan
You feel like you’re more going to get a talking to than the suit actually trying to help.
He looks annoyed but it quickly changes back to his neutral expression.
“I don’t wanna hear it.”
The annoyed expression again, this time it stays
He clears his throat
“Your de-cisss-ion on whether you. Wisssh to hear what I. Have to sssay or not will... Not affect what I… Have to sssay. Ra-ther, if you choo-ssse to lisssten.”
You reply by rolling over on your side, your back turned to him.
You can feel some nagging in the back on your skull, after all you’re rarely rude
But
He’s deserved this rudeness
Or at least you feel he does.
“Ssstay-ing in… Bed will not. Re-sssolve anything-”
“I know- I know- I’ve heard it all before, I’ll be leavin’ when I’m leavin’.”
You heard a sigh, then Shep’s voice
“Bar-Barney, I know it’s hard. But this can’t be good for you, I can understand wanting to shut yourself off but-”
Shep paused, you feel horrible.
“-If I’ve done something or-”
You immediately sit up, turning to face him
His mask is still on, but you can tell he’s holding back tears, the dogs are trying to comfort him
The suit’s stands next to him, a hand on his shoulder
“Shep- It’s- It’s not your fault, I’m just-”
You sigh, putting your head in your hands
“I don’t know- Maybe it’s just ‘cause of everything or-”
You sigh again.
You decide maybe it’s the time to give the real reason
“M’… Buddy, Gordon was in the thick of it and… I don’t know if he made it out alive and-”
Shep pipes up to say something, but the suit cuts him off
Great.
You have to hear his voice again
“Doc-tor Freeman isss… More than alive.”
And with that, you immediately get out of bed
“He- He what-? Gord-”
You can’t describe the relief you feel
But
You have a feeling he’s hiding something
“He- What happened, where is he?”
The suit straightens his tie
“Doc-tor Freeman hasss been… Hi-red, and ssso re-mainsss… Con-tained for the time. Being.”
Some bullshit vagueness, he sounds safe but you want-
No.
You need to know, you need it confirmed.
You walk towards him
“Where is he?! Stop with these- These half assed replies, I need to know where he is and if he’s safe!”
You didn’t mean to raise your voice that loud
But damn it, it’s Gordon.
Shep just looks at you, you hope you didn’t scare him with your yelling
The suit looks down at you with half lidded eyes
Uncaring.
“The Doc-tor isss… Sssafe asss he co-uld… Ever be, asss I ssstat-ed before he isss in… Con-tain-ment.”
Shep seems to perk up at this
“Wait, We’re in a form of containment aren’t we? That means-”
You finish Adrain’s thought before he does
You grab the suit by his shirt
You have to see him.
You need to see he’s okay.
“Bring. Gordon. Here.”
You looked his dead in the eyes
You’re serious.
You’re not backing down.
“I am not… Per-mitted to. Do ssso, The Doc-tor mussst re-main where he... Isss.”
No.
No, he damn well won’t
“You will damn well tell me where he is! You might not understand it, you cold hearted bastard, but when you love someone you can’t just go off of words that they’re safe!”
You got up close to his face, as well as you could
“You might be incapable of love but I’m not. I need to see that he’s safe, I’m not gonna just trust you.”
He seems taken aback, but only for a moment.
“That is up for… De-bate, what isss. Not, isss if the doc-tor can leave hisss... Con-ta-inment. He is. Sssafe, I only ever… Sssp-eak truth.”
He removes you hands carefully, they flop by your side pathetically
The fight leaves you as quickly as it fueled you.
He takes this as his cue to leave
You don’t care.
You feel like you’re going to fall over
But
Good ol’ Shep supports you.
You’re glad he’s here
You make a mental promise to play so many games with him tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Shep helps you back into bed, mumbling something comforting
He pats your back
“Would you… Like me to stay? Or… Do you just want to be left alone?”
You’re glad he gave you the option, you’d feel bad if you just told him to leave
“I… I think I’m going to go back to my wallowing-”
You let out a chuckle, an attempt at a joke
To lighten the mood.
“-And I’ll see you tomorrow, okay Shep? I promise, I really do.”
He pats you on the shoulder, it makes you feel better.
“I’ll make sure the puppies don’t smother you with comfort.”
You both chuckle and he leaves.
Later, you hear some shuffling, too quiet to be a dog
Then you get your answer
The hound eye puppy.
At first you want to push it away
But
You’re too exhausted
You watch it slowly shuffle up towards you face
It closes all it’s eyes, nudging your face with a whimper
Your lips curve in a small smile
“Hey buddy.”
You decide that maybe, this alien at least, it’s that bad
A let down from all the cool aliens you imagined with Gordon domesticating
But
At least it’s like a dog
You lift up the blanket and it happily scampers under, cuddling up to you.
You fall asleep, some sense of comfort for you.
Adrian Shephard found it hard to write down how he felt
So he kept it simple.
‘Maybe The G-man is just poor at interacting with people, maybe he doesn’t realize he’s acting like he doesn’t want to be around me. I’m glad Barney doesn’t hate me, I can’t wait to play board games with him again.’
He can’t put into words how he feels about each individually, so he simply put a smiley face next to Barney’s name and a question mark next to G-man’s
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.