Chapter Text
‘Osmanthis Wine tastes the same as I remember.’ Zhongli said to no one in particular.
‘That’s great, Zhongli! And so interesting! But right now, I’m asking you a question!’ a very stressed Childe said.
‘Ah, how to get to Inazuma, the land of the Electro Archon… I know of a man named Kaeya, in residence at the Knights of Favonius. He has the power to form bridges, transcend boundaries…’
‘That’s swell. How does this guy work his magic?’
‘Why do you want to go to Inazuma anyways? Isn’t your younger brother here with you?’
‘Well, you see, Teucer’s going through an anime phase.’
‘...Ah.’
‘And my parents thought it would be a good idea if I took him to Inazuma.’
‘Did you try to explain to your parents the 1001 reasons why it is, in fact, a catastrophically bad idea?’
‘I got to reason two. They boxed my ears and told me to stop being insolent and do what they asked.’
Zhongli snorted. ‘That’s something I’d love to see. The Eleventh Harbinger getting their ears boxed like a twelve year old, could anything be more perfect?’
‘Oh, shut up. I’m going to write a letter to this ‘Kaeya’. What kinda name is that anyways?’
And so, two days later, Kaeya received a letter in a depressingly bad scrawl that went like this-
To Kaeya,
I have heard tell of your ‘boundary bridging’ feats. Would you mind travelling to Liyue Harbour by sunset on the day you get this? I’ll pay you n’ shit. I’m loaded. But please get me and my brother to Inazuma. From a man to a man, y’know?
Tartaglia
Kaeya looked at his wallet, saw 2 Mora, a moth, and not much else. He decided to go to Liyue, just for a laugh.
‘WANT TO SEE OIKAWA!’ Teucer screamed, making 3 pigeons and Ivanovich squawk.
‘Teucer, would you please be quiet? We’ll get there soon.’ Childe said wearily. ‘Have your sandwich.’
‘But Ajaaaaaax, I’m not huuuuungrrrryyyyyyyyyyy.’ he whined.
‘You managed to stow away to Liyue, yet you can’t act your age now?’
‘Lumine would be nice to me.’ the boy pouted. Ever since he had met the traveller, Teucer had had very strong ideas about what she would or wouldn’t let him do. It was highly infuriating.
‘TEUCER, YOUR BELOVED LUMINE IS IN THE GODFORSAKEN INAZUMA YOU’RE SO FOND OF! JESUS!’
‘SOME OF US HAVE THE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!’ Ivanovich yelled in a Snezhnayan accent so strong it made Childe never want to visit his home country again.
‘What a shame.’ a painfully smooth voice said. ‘That must be so awful for you. Have you seen a Tartagli-’
Childe whirled around, and, bounding over, slapped Kaeya on the back like a) he had known him for years and b) he wanted to cause him severe bodily harm.
‘-US! TARTAGLIUS!’ he screeched, making Xiao at Wangshu Inn a few kilometres away slop his almond tofu down his front with the sheer force of it and everyone else suffer varying degrees of eardrum damage.
‘I KNOW THE TARTAGLIUS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!’ Childe continued at only a slightly lower volume. ‘RIGHT THIS WAY!’
Kaeya was quite sure that he was dealing with a potentially dangerous lunatic. He noticed a vision on the man’s belt, and decided to scrap the word ‘potentially’. He let himself be pulled into an alley, before drawing his sword.
‘Look, I dunno what your issue is-’
‘I don’t have one.’ Childe said gloomily. ‘But he’s from my home country, so he’d recognise the name.’
‘Is that… good or bad?’
‘It depends on his standing with the government.’
‘Right.’
‘In Snezhnaya, everything depends on your standing with the government.’
‘Right. Okay.’
Teucer, panting, rounded the corner.
‘WANT TO GO! WANT TO GO NOW!’
‘Jesus.’ Kaeya muttered.
‘Teucer. Say hi to the nice man who’s going to take us to Inazuma at great cost to his well being because he’s going to be in a confined space with you for a considerable period of time.’
‘Am I going to see Togami?’
‘An avid fan, I see.’
‘Right, so you understand this shit?’
‘Yes, but surely he doesn’t think… Anyways, we’d best get going, shall we?’ What Kaeya was going to say was ‘surely he doesn’t think they exist’ but he decided he was going to wait until tempers were less frayed and he could quietly slip out of Inazuma.
He walked down to the harbour, and ignoring the looks from merchants, used his elemental skill on the water.
Childe blinked. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Getting you to Inazuma. Obviously. Come on, this doesn’t stay frozen forever.’
‘Are you seriously- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR MIRACLE WAY OF GETTING TO INAZUMA AND TRANSCENDING SHIT IS USING YOUR ELEMENTAL SKILL TO WALK THERE.’
‘You’ve about summed it up, yeah.’
‘I’m past complaining now. Okay. I’m coming.’
‘Brother used a naughty word.’ Teucer muttered.
A FEW HOURS LATER
‘LAND!’ Childe sobbed. ‘Land, Teucer can shut up, I can do a shit, we can meet whoever the hell Oikawa is…’
‘Childe, bro. Don’t really wanna break this to you, but that’s the Geo Hypostasis. We’re like, 1/15 of the way there.’
‘Are we there yet?’ Teucer whined.
‘No.’ Childe said darkly.
ONE ETERNITY LATER
‘I’m writing my will.’ Childe deadpanned.
‘With your load, you should have done that years ago. You could have run into a horse or something and then what would have happened?’ Kaeya said, just as pissed.
‘Ooooh, look, it’s so pretty!’ Teucer interjected.
‘What is, Kaeya’s ass?’ Childe said, unsmiling. Kaeya made a noise akin to choking.
‘No. Stop using naughty words.’
‘I have a license cos I’m old. Please tell me.’
‘Inazuma!’
‘Wait, do you mean you can see it?’
‘Look!’
‘And yes, the island towered over them, and yes, it was beautiful. (not as much as kaeya’s ass tho)
‘THANK GOD! My feet shall touch the sweet ground, a harbour at last, I shall never go to sea again…’ Childe sank to his knees at the precise moment the ice melted.
‘WAIT! NO! I HAVE NO STAMINA! I ONLY LEVELLED UP THE SNEZHNAYAN STATUEEEEESS!’
Kaeya grinned, as Childe slowly fell further behind.
In the distance, he heard Teucer’s shrieks.
‘SO WHADDYA MEAN, EREN YEAGER DOESN’T EXIST!’