Chapter Text
Xiao didn’t need to know any of these, but Lihua spent the next ten minutes talking about her parents. Please don’t see this as a trick to make you pity me more. I just want to share this with you, she said before going on with the stories about how her mother died and how her father left the house not long after that. If she was less ashamed, she would also joke about how this was also a way to distract herself from wondering about her growing attraction toward him. Her heartbeat hadn’t calmed down, so she couldn’t afford to stress herself out.
Once her fish were cooked, she grabbed one and sat on the log across from him. They started eating, and the silence made her remember more things that she didn’t feel like telling. First, she remembered how everyone deemed her parents lucky to have fallen in love with each other at first sight. Her father was the son of one of her uncle’s friends. They met during their adolescent years, in a party where it was said that she was charmed by his courage to speak his mind and become a little mischievous toward the adults.
This brought her to her own experience in the last few years when her grandparents introduced her to some young men because she hadn’t found someone to marry. Just like her father, none of them came from a well-off background, so they weren’t informed of what was happening and saw the meeting as no more than an invitation to join one of the wealthiest families in the nation. If they found out that they were only used as babymakers by chance, they wouldn’t have the power to take legal action against the Wu family.
She remembered how hard they tried to win her heart or as simple as making her laugh. Sometimes, they would borrow mora to purchase a new set of clothes or order custom-made jewelry that she would never wear because they weren’t as good as what her family had given her. Don’t do that. Just be who you are, she used to tell them at the beginning, but she stopped doing it when they took her advice as a sign of interest. She stepped back because she didn’t want to lead them on and break their hearts.
Occasionally, a handsome man would be the one walking into the backyard and accompanying her to watch the moon in the evening. Several months ago, there was this one guy who had dimples on both of his cheeks and wavy hair that looked like a better version of a bedhead. Her heart did skip a beat every time he smiled—it was a certain charm of attractiveness—but she was put off when he started to talk too much about himself. Another time, he was impetuous enough to ask about her wealth.
“Just pick anyone!” About three months before she ran away, her grandfather shouted at her when they passed by each other in one of the main hallways. He was generally a calm person, but he must have gotten tired of her hesitancy. That time, she kept her mouth shut and walked back to her room with her eyes down, ignoring the grumbles about how she should stop behaving like a spoiled child when her other relatives had given birth to a few children years ago. The truth was she had always wanted to marry because of love. Either what her parents had was rare, or it wasn’t easy for her to be wooed.
On her second and last fish of the night, she realized that there hadn’t been a side of Xiao that made her want to stop hearing his voice and looking at his face. She was always hoping to have him around, and his visitations were like birthday gifts for her. She didn’t count whenever he refused to help her or told her to leave Jueyun Karst because it was what adepti was supposed to do. It shouldn’t be considered part of his personality, so she began listing the differences between him and those men in her head.
Excluding the obvious state of their mortality, she liked Xiao for never probing her past. Although he might have heard everything from Moon Carver or figured it out by himself, he had never asked about her age or how many more months she had left in this world. Of course, she didn’t forget when he said he didn’t want to risk Liyue’s safety for one person’s fault. He used to push her away not because he couldn’t stand humans but because he didn’t want to harm more people. Things turned out well. The compassion that she got must be coming from the real him.
“I need to leave now. Thank you for the meal,” he said when she was halfway through enjoying her fish. She noticed that he ate slower than he did in the morning. It could be that he wanted to wait for her, but he eventually ran out of time because her portion was bigger than him. It could definitely be something else. She didn’t want to assume too much when she had already had difficulty comprehending her current feelings.
“No. Thank you for keeping me company.” She placed her fish on the plate of half-eaten roasted mushroom beside her and stood up. Her plan was to come to him and take his empty bowl, but he stared too attentively at her until she couldn’t help but stop in her tracks.
“Don’t forget to drink the water,” he reminded her again.
“Oh.” She looked down, wondering how many times she had done it in the last hour. “Yes. I’ll make sure to drink it after I finish my food. After that, I’ll take a bath and sleep.”
“You look pale. You don’t need to bathe tonight. Or, you can take it in the morning.”
“Are you going to get mad at me if I insist on bathing right now?”
“I might be disappointed.”
She shouldn’t have asked because the way he softened his gaze on her as if he was reluctant to leave made her want to scream. This was also another key difference between him and those men. None of them had captivated her as much as he did when it had only been a few days, and he wasn’t even trying. The moment she saw him for the first time in that larches forest flashed before her eyes. Could it be what her parents experienced when they met? Maybe she had fallen for him that night, but she didn’t understand it until now.
“All right. I won’t. I’ll listen to you,” she said, averting her head. Was this nothing more than confusion? Was she just lonely, and he happened to be the one forcing her to work for his affection? Maybe he could be anyone. If Moon Carver had been as demanding as him, she would have had felt all these too. Moreover, he was an adeptus who would live forever while she was a human who would die in about two years. If this was love, it wouldn’t be nice for them to form a deeper relationship for only a short amount of time.
“Give me your hand.”
“What?” She raised her brows, but before she could ask more, he held her right hand and opened her palm. He then pressed a finger on the center and stroke a word that she couldn’t discern. How could she when she wasn’t prepared for this? She shuddered at the friction of his skin against hers. Once again, she thought about how beautiful he was. His eyelashes were exceptionally long. His nose was small but fit his face.
Those men had tried to touch her hands or brush her back. A few of them succeeded—it was usually by “accident”—but she never felt a sensation like this one. Even the most handsome one only made her giggle, and she would keep her distance so they wouldn’t repeat the disgraceful act. Right now, she wanted Xiao to caress her palm again. This unfathomable adeptus who kept worrying about her without understanding his own kindness—she wouldn’t mind if he stayed by her side until morning came.
“That’s how you write my name.” He let her go soon. She wasn’t too surprised that he did something so unexpected again. She was surprised he hadn’t forgotten when she asked him how to write his name. How many days had it been? She had lost count because it seemed like she had known him for longer. She couldn’t describe what she felt anymore. Her chest was tight, a tad painful but pleasant at the same time. It was terrifying, but she didn’t want it to disappear completely. Did the same thing also happen to her parents?
“Oh. I see. Uh, w-will you write it again? I didn’t catch it before,” she urged. Without waiting for another second, he lifted her hand the second time and wrote down the word slower. Xiao. She would memorize it, but instead of saying it aloud, she only smiled. Xiao. Adeptus Xiao. My gentle and lovely Adeptus Xiao, she reiterated his name while allowing herself to be basked in the momentary bliss.
“I’ll leave Jueyun Karst. I’m not sure if it’ll take a day or more. Don’t do anything stupid,” he said after releasing his hold on her.
“Won’t you come to save me when I’m in trouble?” she asked. She thought it was a tasteless joke, but when he muttered a “yes” and didn’t look like he was judging her teasing, she had to smile again. “Does that mean you can still hear me when I call your name, even if you aren’t in Jueyun Karst?”
“Yes,” he affirmed.
She initiated their goodbye because she couldn’t keep him around any longer—she mustn’t forget that his next mission was for her own sake. When he grabbed his weapon and went away, the air surrounding her felt empty and lonely. Before tonight, she was never concerned about seeing him again tomorrow. This must be what her attendants meant when they talked about missing someone when it hadn’t even been a minute since they parted. She wanted to apologize for laughing at them back then.
She ate her remaining food and drank the water from the lake. He didn’t want her to visit the hot spring, but he didn’t say anything about going to the nearby river. It should be fine because she had to wash the dishes—she was sure he would hate it more if she let insects, rats, or other filthy animals come and destroy the ground. She wouldn’t be able to live with the situation either, so she took her coat from the cave, grabbed the dirty dishes and soap, and walked to the river.
Her hands almost froze from the cold water, yet on her way back, she could perfectly recall the warmth coming from the tip of his finger. Xiao, she inwardly said his name again. Did she really fall for him out of nowhere? Inside the cave, she dried the dishes, placed them on one side, and covered them with a blanket to prevent dust from touching them. She must arrange the place because most of her stuff were clumped together near the entrance, but she didn’t feel like doing anything else besides pulling a blanket and lying on the mattress.
What did Xiao think about when he decided to find this cave and mattress? She doubted another mortal had lived here. She had also read that adepti and gods didn’t need to sleep. When immortals were mentally and physically exhausted, they would meditate to release bad energy and regain focus and strength. Xiao must have done it solely for her to live more comfortably here, and she still couldn’t believe that just a few days ago, she believed that he hated her and didn’t want to have anything to do with her.
She kept rolling around and staring at her own palm more times than she would like to admit to anyone. Every time she closed her eyes, Xiao’s face was there. Would there be a chance to look deeper into his golden orbs? She wanted to know if he cut his own hair, if another adeptus did it for him, or if he dressed up as a mortal and went to a village and asked a barber there. It came to her awareness that she never touched him first while he had embraced her and held her hand. It wasn’t fair, but she was afraid of crossing a line.
“Oh, Adeptus Xiao…” she muttered and shot open her eyes when she realized that she had called his name. She glanced at the cave’s entrance and heaved a sigh when he didn’t show up. At least this taught her that she had to speak it louder.
The cave was dark when she woke up. She didn’t know how and when she fell asleep, but she remembered turning off the lantern on the ground when she had gotten tired of daydreaming about a man. It must have only been a few hours since she managed to quiet her mind. She felt refreshed, but it wouldn’t hurt to continue resting since she didn’t have anything important to do. However, she changed her mind when she heard the chirping of birds outside. The loudness made her sit up and look around. Had it been morning?
She lit up the lantern and got startled by something covering the cave’s entrance that wasn’t there before. Quickly, she got up, walked to inspect the object, and immediately registered what it was; a door sheet made from bamboo that was light enough to be pushed forward and aside. The woodwork was nice, but she had to worry more about the person kind enough to do this when she didn’t even think about it. It couldn’t be someone other than Xiao. If this sort of treatment kept happening, she could truly be in love with him.