Chapter Text
It's enough just to make me go crazy, crazy, crazy
I get ready, I get all dressed up
To go nowhere in particular
Doesn’t matter if I’m not enough
For the future or the things to come
‘Cause I’m young and in love
I'm young and in love
---
Wednesday, 7:00 a.m.
It was too early to wake up. It was school morning, but still. All Sirius wanted to do was curl up in his warm bed, the warm duvets and pillows, and the warm jumper of the body next to him. He should’ve woken up until his brain decided it was too much sleep and not to the annoying sound of his alarm that icked his brain. As soon as he heard it he groaned, irritated. He rolled out of the covers and the pair of arms to shut it up. As soon as the room was quiet he laid back again, his eyes tired but his mind now painfully wide awake.
Minute by minute. Sixty seconds. Sirius realized that one minute felt so much and so little time when he was with Remus. He’d learned that from the very beginning. They could spend hours and hours talking or kissing and time would simply fly over their heads. Or they could be laying like this, Sirius staring at Remus' sleeping face, and every second of it felt infinite. He looked so peaceful like this, all wrapped in a fluffy jumper and his hair a mess. It was such a refreshing sight in comparison to yesterday, where Remus looked so sad and so small, afraid.
Remus’s lashes brushed his cheeks, and his breathing being even was comforting to Sirius. He laid on his side, his cheek pressed to the pillow and his entire body covered in blankets. He looked so soft it made Sirius all mushy inside.
After their conversation the other day, Sirius took Remus to the flat, both exhausted yet filled with happiness, feeling complete and sure for the first time in their complicated lives. Remus fell asleep as soon as he fell into Sirius’ bed and didn’t wake up until late, just to fall back asleep with Sirius, which made him think he probably hadn’t slept in days. Sirius, while Remus slept like a baby, worked on his schoolwork, scrolled through his phone, and had dinner with Marlene and Dorcas. He had to tell them everything that happened, and they were utterly delighted. He spent all of the time in his room, making sure he was there if Remus were to wake up.
Now Remus was stirring, scooting closer to Sirius and pressed his face in the hollow of Sirius’s shoulder, his lips in his neck and his arm around his waist. Sirius instinctively leaned into his head and breathed. So this was what heaven felt like.
They stayed a few more minutes like that until Remus shifted again, and his eyes finally opened, groggy with sleep. He looked up at Sirius and they smiled tiredly. Sirius reached out to touch his face, making sure he was really there and not part of Sirius’s dreams and imaginations. He wasn’t, his skin was cold and smooth. He moved the hair on his forehead back and took a good look at him. If it was possible, he looked even more beautiful than he had ever been. Every one of his features was magnified to the maximum, even if his face was drowsy. His freckles and scars danced together all over his pale face, and his hair was even smoother between Sirius’s fingers. His eyes looked like pools of honey and chocolate. And his lips, slightly parted and chapped, were begging Sirius to kiss them. He placed his hand on his cheek again and grazed his lips with his thumb, feeling them stretch in a hazy smile.
Remus caught his finger in a small touch, the bearest of kisses, making Sirius shiver.
“We have to get up,” mumbled Remus in the most delightful sleepy voice.
Sirius shook his head. “No, we don’t. Let’s stay here forever,” he said, pressing his face into the pillow. Remus chuckled.
“Yeah, I like that better,” he mumbled again.
“Stop,” smiled Sirius. “Stop talking with that voice, please. You’re killing me.”
Remus chuckled, raspy and low. “What voice? This one?” he teased, and Sirius felt the words sink, getting shudders all over his body. “This is my normal voice, Sirius. It’s too early to be horny.”
“Oh, no. You can’t say that,” whispered Sirius and Remus laughed. Now it was Remus’s turn to reach out his hand, and he pushed a lock of Sirius’s hair behind his ear. His eyes danced between his eyes, lips, head and everywhere. They smiled, nothing seemed better to Sirius than stay there, live there and die there. There was nowhere he would rather be. Remus lifted his head and kissed him on the lips. His lips were chapped, a bit dry, but so were Sirius’s, and neither of the boys moved away. Then Remus kissed his nose, then forehead, and once again his lips.
There was movement outside, and Sirius suspected it was Dorcas getting ready for school. Sirius stretched his hand for his phone, and he saw they really needed to get ready.
“We’re going to be very late,” he said and rubbed his eyes. When he looked at Remus, he was biting his lip worriedly. Sirius remembered he hadn’t gone to school for the past two days, and he asked, “how’re you feeling? Up to school or not?”
Remus smiled fondly, then shook his head. “I think I should go home. My mam is probably worrying now.”
Sirius nodded. He understood, of course, but it would’ve been very nice if they walked and rode the bus together. “Okay. You can stay here for as long as you want. Marlene and Dorcas won’t mind. Like, at all,” he laughed, remembering how much they loved Remus.
“Thanks. You’re so kind to me and I haven’t done anything to deserve it,” he scoffed. Sirius clapped his hand over his mouth and shook his head.
“You don’t need to do something to deserve it. I’m just being nice,” he said with a reassuring smile. It pained him that Remus still thought he wasn’t worth it. Sirius wished he had the proper words and courage to tell him he was worth everything and more. Remus kissed his palm sweetly. Sirius moved his hand and kissed his mouth, hovering over him. Remus sighed happily, and Sirius climbed on top of him.
“Hey,” Remus interrupted their kissing, which had turned into passionate snogs. “Sirius,” he repeated against Sirius’s lips, and Sirius finally let go, much to his displeasure.
“Yeah?”
Remus smiled widely. He pecked his lips quickly and slumped back into the pillow. “Happy birthday.”
Sirius stared at him, before smiling too. Holy shit, it was his birthday. He was seventeen, he was the Dancing Queen, young and sweet. It didn’t feel like it, but again, nothing felt real or special when Remus Lupin was under him, looking radiating with his pink lips puffy.
He grinned again. “Holy shit,” and he lowered his head again.
---
Wednesday, 11:28 a.m.
Even if Sirius had forgotten it was November 3rd, he would’ve remembered as soon as he stepped foot on the school grounds.
It wasn’t more than ten seconds before three figures were speeding towards him in a rush. Sirius barely saw them before they collapsed into him, a commotion that sent his balance off, and he saw nothing but three pairs of heads everywhere; one blonde, one tidy and another messy black. All shouted ‘happy birthdays’, and Sirius felt overwhelmed, it was so much love in just an hour. James, Peter and Frank made a show of his birthday, telling every single person it was his birthday and they should congratulate him. Sirius would roll his eyes but thanked them every time they could. They were also excited for the little reunion they were having after.
Sirius didn’t have the time to tell them he was planning on inviting Remus too, as every time he brought it up they got all excited and talked over him.
He was surprised, as well as James, when Lily, along with Mary, went up to him and wished him a happy birthday. James was more shocked than jealous, especially when she hugged him. Actual arms around Sirius’s waist and face in his shoulder. Lily only rolled her eyes when James asked for one too, but she had a slight smile on her face. Mary congratulated him and asked him when the party was going to be. Sirius said he was still thinking about the date, which was better than saying “today, but only my three friends are invited.”
The most shocking one, though, was Josie. Sirius felt guilty when he realized how shamelessly he’d forgotten about her. But she seemed genuine with their wishes, though a bit sad around her face.
“Sirius,” she said after. She looked down, scratching her neck nervously. “I wanted you to know, I never told anyone about, you know…” she drawled.
Sirius raised his eyebrows. He had also forgotten all about her anger at her friend’s party. He expected some anger to shift in him, but it didn’t. He just felt bad for what he put his girl through.
“Oh,” he said. “Thank you. That’s really nice considering I was terrible to you.”
Josie chuckled. “Yeah, a bit. But I kinda understand if you went through hard times. You did what you had to do.”
Sirius thanked her again, and they parted ways. It felt satisfying, a loose end finally sealed tight, with no resentful feelings or words they could regret after. Sirius didn’t ask her how exactly she found out. That would have to remain a mystery.
Then it was Alice who wished him a good birthday.
“So, how does it feel to be seventeen?” she asked him. They sat together in McGonagall’s class. They weren’t even going to work on an assignment together, but neither questioned it.
“Ah, kinda the same. It’s strange how people congratulate you for another year of your existence.”
“Oh, don’t go all philosophical now. You’re seventeen, not eighty,” she chuckled.
“I know, I know. I’m all for dramatics,” he said.
Sirius looked at her as read a book. She was pretty, he had to admit. They had come a long way too, he realized. A month ago they would just direct short words to each other, and now they evolved to being comfortable in silence. This term had been very different from any other, and it was thanks to the new people that were part of his life now. It was hard to imagine this month going without her, her devotion and strong opinions. Her confidence had gotten Sirius to attend a stupid meeting because she bribed him. If it weren’t for Alice, Sirius wouldn’t have met Remus, or at least so soon. His life could be very different if he hadn’t befriended her, and for that Sirius was grateful. To whom he didn’t know. Alice would say Allah, his mother would say God, and someone else on the planet would think someone else. All he knew was it was good to feel grateful every once in a while, even when life pushed you down and didn’t let you get back up.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” Alice asked, looking at him funnily.
“Nothing,” he said, his cheeks a bit hot with embarrassment. He wasn’t going to let Alice know he could be so sentimental. Alice laughed and shook her head. “We’re friends, right?”
Alice raised his eyebrows at the sudden question. “Yeah, I think. Do you consider me your friend?”
“Sure,” assured Sirius. They were friends, and he liked that. It was the right thing to do, he thought. Plus Frank would be ecstatic. “Are you busy today? I’m having a little birthday celebration and I’d like you to come.”
“Little? Everyone knows a party for you would end up in people forgetting the night entirely,” she laughed.
“It is little. I’ve only invited James, Frank, Peter, someone else, and you.”
Alice looked surprised. “Oh, so it’s private. I feel honoured. I’ll go, but let me invite one friend at least. I’m not going to be there with you four.”
“Sure, but I have to know them. I don’t want a stranger.”
“Lily?” she asked. Sirius couldn’t say no. James would also be ecstatic, and something told him that so would Lily. “Who’s the someone else?” she asked.
“Like you don’t know,” he scoffed. Alice blushed and looked away, guilty. Sirius laughed, “so you do know? How?”
Alice moved closer to him and talked lower. No one was paying them any mind, but she still looked around to check who was listening. “I don’t know who she is, I just know it isn’t a she.”
“How did you know?” asked Sirius again. He wasn’t obvious, was he? He was sure he’d been discreet about everything.
“Our little, er, discussion about religion. You went all defensive about homosexuality. Plus, I caught you once watching a video of a bloke. I didn’t see much, but you really shouldn’t watch porn in class, I mean-”
“Alice!” he interrupted with a nervous cough. Sirius remembered perfectly, Alice had walked in on the video of Remus and his friend, back when he was so oblivious to the butterflies in his stomach. “It wasn’t porn, god.”
Alice laughed, “whatever it was, it was suspicious. Then we had our talk and it kinda clicked. Then everybody knew you broke up with that girl and I thought, that can’t be a coincidence .”
“You’re quite the detective, huh?”
Alice smiled. There was some silence before she talked again. “Lily told you, didn’t she?” Sirius nodded, and Alice groaned. “I’m sorry, I should’ve kept my mouth. But I didn’t tell anyone else, and neither has she.”
“It’s okay. I mean, worse things were happening when Lily told me. As long as you keep this between us,” he said.
“Yeah! Of course. Does James know?” she asked.
“Yes. And Peter and Frank.”
“So, who is he?” asked Alice. Sirius rolled his eyes at her curiosity but smiled. Remus had texted him about an hour ago that he’d left for his home. Sirius barely had any breakfast before leaving, as his lips were refusing to pull away from Remus’s. If he thought about it hard, he could feel them right now.
“His name’s Remus,” he admitted with a giddy smile he couldn’t hide.
Alice gasped, “I know him, he went to our Health and Well-being reunion.”
“That’s him. I met him there, actually.”
“Oh,” said Alice. “So I guess I brought you two together. You’re welcome,” she bloated with a proud smile.
“For stealing my weed and threatening me? No,” he said.
“Oh, it was a bonding moment for us,” she laughed. “So, is he your boyfriend?”
That word sent chills through his body. They hadn’t talked about it, but if they kissed each other and no one else, and slept in the same bed, and fancy each other, and made each other better, then they probably were. “I’m not sure. We’ve never said that specific word.”
“You’re all red, it’s adorable,” teased Alice.
“Shut up. What about you and Frank?”
Alice spluttered, averting her eyes. “What about me and Frank? We’re not even friends,” she said, pushing her clear glasses up her nose.
“You want to. You’re not the only detective between us. He fancies you a lot, and I think you do, too,” he stated, wiggling his eyebrows.
“I guess he’s cute in a sweet way, but I don’t fancy fancy him,” she said, now her face red.
“But you fancy him. Don’t lie,” insisted Sirius.
“Maybe just a tiny bit.”
Sirius laughed in victory, and he reminded Alice that Frank was going to be at Sirius’s birthday, that she should take advantage of the night to try and get somewhere.
“So Remus is going to be there? Will we meet him?”
“Yes. I’m just praying my friends won't be idiots around him,” he laughed.
“I remember Remus. He was cute,” said Alice.
“Yeah, he is,” Sirius agreed with another giddy smile.
“Wait,” Alice said. “Oh, yeah. I remember him alright. Tall, brown hair and a Welsh accent right?”
“That’s him.”
“Mhm,” Alice thought, smirking. “Yes. He’s very hot.”
“Alice!” he burst out laughing. Then he gasped dramatically, slapping his chest with his palm. “Control yourself! What about Frank?”
“Who?” joked Alice, and Sirius laughed all the harder.
---
Look at you kids, you know you're the coolest
The world is yours and you can't refuse it
Seen so much, you could get the blues
But that don't mean that you should abuse it
Wednesday, 7:30 p.m.
In the end, Alice invited Lily and had convinced Sirius to invite Mary too. Sirius had been in a much better mood than he happily agreed. Marlene and Dorcas stayed too, and it was a packed house. Though in the way that Sirius felt comfortable, and not overwhelmed with strangers. Eleven people, but those people were the closest family Sirius had, and he couldn't ask for more.
Sirius had sent a message to Regulus, too, with the address and the new plan. There had been no response all day, and Sirius tried not to peek at his phone every few minutes. It was both good and bad since Sirius had no idea what he’d do or say if Regulus appeared.
James, Peter and Frank arrived first, almost an hour early. As expected, James and Frank were about to have heart attacks when Sirius told them the girls were coming, and since there would only be a few people, they could get their chance easily. They brought pizza and drinks, along with rolled-up cigarettes and a cake.
They were chatting and laughing when the door knocked, making James and Franks jump in excitement. Sirius went and got the door, and it was Remus. Sirius smiled immediately.
“Hey you,” he said.
“Hullo,” answered Remus. They grinned at each other like fools in the doorway until Sirius stepped forward and kissed his cheek happily. “Come in.”
Remus blushed slightly and walked in. Sirius saw the little present bag in his hand and almost melted inside. Remus caught him staring and grinned, “where d’you want this?” He gestured to the bag.
“Aw, Remus. You didn’t have to,” he said, though of course, he was dying to know what it was.
“I’m just being nice,” he answered cheekily and kissed him properly.
“Just leave it there,” said Sirius, pointing to the small table on the entrance. “Come, you have to meet my friends. Heads up, they can be idiots.”
Remus laughed. Sirius held his hand and pulled him to the living room. There was a strange nervousness in his belly. He wanted his friends to like Remus as much as he did (well, not as he did) and was terrified they thought wrong things about him. It was almost impossible, seeing as Remus was an angel itself, but still. He hoped they approved.
And when Sirius said “they could be idiots,” he wasn’t joking. His face burned in embarrassment at the sight of them, Frank and James shouting like crazy and Peter in the middle, drinking from a bottle of coke without taking a breath. Sirius looked at Remus and was relieved he was smiling. Peter finished the drink in an exaggerated gasp, and the other two roared victoriously.
Sirius had to clear his throat for the three of them to look at them. “Guys, this is Remus,” he introduced. Remus smiled his usual welcoming smile and waved with a small hello. The three of them were staring at them with wide eyes and questioning looks. Frank’s mouth had fallen open and James was looking between them and their intervened hands. James looked at Sirius one more time, and they had a silent communication.
The Remus? Are you two okay now?
Yes, James. Look at our hands.
James’s mouth turned into a huge grin and he walked towards Remus, thought a bit too excited he tripped on multiple things. “Hi,” he said, grabbing Remus’s free hand and shaking it vigorously. “I’m James, nice of you to join the party. That’s Frank,” he pointed to Frank, who had picked his jaw from the floor and waved warmly, “that’s Peter. It’s great to finally meet you,” he said. Sirius thanked his best friend silently, but James’s eyes sparkled mischievously.
“Sirius here hasn’t stopped talking about you since forever, mate,” he started, and Sirius turned red. He knew if he denied it he would sound like a five-year-old. “It’s been crazy.”
“It’s true!” Frank chimed in. Remus had a huge grin on his face. “He was obsessed with you.”
They snickered, and Remus raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s not true.”
“Oh yes it is,” said James again. “It’s been all Remus this and Remus that.” Remus laughed along with James.
“Wait,” Peter suddenly said. They all turned to him. “You’re Remus? Like, Remus Remus?” Sirius closed his eyes in exhaustion. Why were these people his friends, again? “Sirius wasn’t lying about how good looking you are.”
James and Frank doubled with laughter. Sirius rubbed his face, thinking it was not such a good idea for them to meet after all. “Thanks, Peter,” Remus smiled. “You’re not hard on the eyes either.”
“Don’t encourage them,” hissed Sirius. Remus laughed and placed a kiss on his temple. The other three had witnessed it but didn’t act oddly about it. Instead, they opened their little circle and allowed Remus to join in. They got along pretty well and stopped messing with Sirius. They were including him in conversations, and they all laughed at his jokes. Sirius felt so good as if they’d known Remus for ages. So that’s why these people were his friends.
Almost half an hour later the girls arrived, and it was when the real part started. Sirius expected it to be awkward at first, with girls and boys on one side. But they all included each other surprisingly, and Mary had brought a speaker and played some music. They all sang along, dancing or swaying around like kids who had no worries in the world. Kids that could dominate the world if only the world was kinder to them.
Marlene and Dorcas arrived as well, bringing even more food and boxes of pizzas, as well as birthday candles and decorations. In just a moment, the flat was decorated with colourful falling strings everywhere, and James had made a clumsy handmade sign that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIRIUS. Remus was talking a lot with Lily and Alice, animatedly and smiling. Mary was chatting with Marlene, Dorcas and Frank.
Sirius had gone to the kitchen for food. “So,” he heard James behind him. He turned around and saw his friend smirking. “Remus and you? Is that official or…?” He ran his fingers on Sirius’s arms and poked him excitedly.
Sirius laughed and shoved him off. “I mean, we haven’t said it, but I think we are,” he answered, looking outside of the doorway and watching Remus as he smiled.
“And you’re sure this time?” asked James. Bless his hazel eyes, so intense and full of concern behind their joking glint. Sirius smiled and looked at Remus, to be surprised he was staring right back. He smiled and went back to his conversation.
“Yes,” grinned Sirius. “I’m sure.”
“Great,” James slapped his back. “I love him, so please keep him around.”
Sirius snorted, “Believe me, I’ll try hard to. Now go flirt with Lily and let me drink in peace.”
“Oh, Sirius. I’ve been getting weird vibes from her. I think she wants to talk to me too but I’m so terrified. I know I'll make a fool of myself.”
“Just talk with her, as if she were me or Frank or Pete. Don’t try to impress her or say dumb stuff. Maybe just listen to what she says? Look,” he pointed discreetly at her. She left Remus and Alice alone and walked out of the room. “She’s probably going to the loo, it’s your chance. Casually include yourself in their conversation.”
James ruffled his hair and took deep breaths. Sirius rolled his eyes and massaged his shoulders, playing along and whispering encouraging words. James jumped and breathed again before he left and joined Alice and Remus. In just a few seconds Lily was back, and Sirius didn’t notice any discomforted face on her, so that was a good sign. He could see them talking, and every once in a while James would chime in.
The music got louder and Sirius heard Mary cheer loudly and sing along. That girl was a party animal and found how to make the best out of a party with only a few people. Sirius caught Remus’s eye again, and bopped his head. Remus said one last thing and walked towards the small kitchen. Sirius didn’t miss the mild panic James showed on his face.
“What’re you doing here all alone on your birthday?” asked Remus with a smirk as he leaned on the counter, face to face with Sirius. Sirius simply pursed his lips and leaned in, crashing his mouth to Remus’s violently. He responded quickly, placing his hand on Sirius's face and neck.
“I don’t think they would’ve wanted to see that outside,” said Sirius with a breathless chuckle. Remus huffed happily. He took Sirius’s hair on his finger and twirled it around, like a children’s game.
“Can I ask you something?” Sirius said at last. Something that was not exactly bothering him, but it had been in the back of his mind multiple times. It was the question of Remus’s exact attraction, was the best word, towards Nora. Sirius had discovered he’d thought he fancied some girls but never did. Not physically or emotionally. And it had been Remus who brought him to the light. But what about Remus? Maybe he went through the same crisis as Sirius did, or maybe even worse.
Remus narrowed his eyes but nodded. Sirius stayed quiet for a bit, trying to come up with the best way to phrase his thoughts when all he wanted to ask was if Sirius was his sexual awakening. But he wasn’t going to say that. “Did you, like, erm, you know…”
“I don’t know,” joked Remus, smiling amusedly at Sirius’s loss of words.
“I mean to ask if you were ever attracted to Nora? As in, attracted to certain… parts... she has that I don’t,” as soon as the words were out of his mind his face heated up. Very poor choice of words. Remus was snickering beside him, his eyebrows high they almost got lost in his hair.
“Okay, no. That’s not what I meant…” Sirius stammered.
“I know what you mean!” Remus said, laughing again. “You’re so cute and funny, god.”
“Well then answer the question,” said Sirius, sure he was going to die from embarrassment.
“If you want to know my sexual orientation, just ask,” he laughed again and Sirius gave him a look. Remus smiled and looked ahead, his eyes glowing. “I was very much attracted to Nora, but it didn’t work out. I knew that long before I met you.”
“Does Nora know you’re here?” asked Sirius.
“No, and she doesn’t need to. After Sunday, she stayed with me all day and I let her know we weren’t together. I don’t know what she said to you, Sirius, but she worried about me too much. After a while together, it was just her babying me, even when I was fine. She wouldn’t let me make friends on my own or do different things because she was sure it was just another mania. I’m not going to miss her,” a look of resentment on his face. Sirius couldn’t imagine having someone like that in your life, that doesn’t consider everything you love and appreciate and pretend it’s part of a mental illness.
Sirius rubbed his arm in compassion, and Remus gave him a grateful smile. “But you did fancy her, right?” he pressed on. Remus smirked at him.
“I’m very much attracted to girls if that’s what you want to know. As well as boys,” he declared. Sirius nodded, pursing his lips.
“Was I your…? Or not?” he asked.
“No, you aren’t the first boy I’ve fancied. You are the current one though,” he grinned. Sirius was surprised at the revelation. He didn’t mind that Remus wasn’t like Sirius. It was just strange how confidently he said it.
“Since when have you known?” he admired.
“A long time ago. I was like twelve.”
Sirius’s eyebrows shut up. How was that even possible? In his head, he couldn’t wrap around the idea that some people simply knew and didn’t go through any problems. Not only had Remus been very young, but was even smart enough to realize he could actually like two different genders.
“So you’re, what, bi?”
Remus scrunched up his head. “Look, I’m already the bipolar boy. I don’t want to put another name on me. I’m just who I am and like who I like. And I like you, a lot.”
It wasn’t fair, Sirius thought for a split second. It wasn’t fair that people could say that while Sirius had spent his whole life not knowing what was wrong with him.
But then he thought he wasn’t like Remus, and knowing exactly what he was, with a name, centred him. It was easier to be himself knowing who he was, and that was okay too. It was good for him to be able to look in the mirror and finally know why he was different. It made him feel complete.
“I’m gay,” he said out loud. And it felt good.
“I’m glad,” said Remus, and Sirius had to kiss that goddamn smirk off his face. That felt good too, and any sound from outside their connected bodies was cancelled. Remus leaned over him, pressing his back to the counter. He placed his hands on his waist and pulled him closer, merging their bodies into one. Sirius shivered with pleasure as Remus slid his tongue inside his mouth and released sound from the back of his throat. Remus pushed him even closer, tilting his head from his neck, his hand on his lower back, and moving lower and lower and...
Someone cleared their throat. Remus immediately pulled away and stood beside him, pressing his lips together attempting to hide the smile. Sirius tried too, but it was much easier for him when right in front of him was his very reflection. He stood very still with his eyes wide.
“Sirius,” Regulus Black said, standing just as still. God, it was like looking in the mirror. But with short, near hair and a freckle over his mouth. Though the more he looked the more he realized the changes in his brother. More mature face, longer nose, longer arms hanging from his sides.
“Regulus,” whispered Sirius. He cleared his throat as well, then spoke louder. “Reg. Hi.”
“Hello,” he said with the ghost of a smile, staring between him and Remus. “Happy birthday.”
“Thanks,” he said. Fuck, this is awkward. Sirius had no idea what to say or do. His shoulders had tensed without even realizing. His mind felt about to explode and about to compact at the same time. He saw his mother and father too, for a second.
“Hi,” Remus suddenly said, and his voice was enough to ground Sirius. He focused on Remus’s voice and not on all of the other voices that had come into his head. “I’m Remus, you must be Regulus.”
“Yeah,” answered Regulus. Remus looked between the two, then looked at Sirius with questioning eyes. Sirius nodded, and thankfully his message was clear. Remus smiled and excused himself, walking out.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” Sirius confessed.
Regulus chuckled nervously, “I wasn’t sure to come, honestly. Looks like you’re having a good time,” he added, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he meant it as a joke or not. He was having a good time, but at the exact moment Regulus had walked in he was having a good time too, in a completely different way.
“I am. Are you staying or just, passing by?” he asked. Sirius didn’t know what option he preferred.
“I can stay if you want,” he said. Sirius realized that answer had been the one he preferred.
“Great. There’s food or drinks. Don’t be shy, my friends don't bite,” he said.
“Was that bloke your friend?” he asked, flushing.
Sirius let out a laugh and looked down. “No, he isn't. I mean he is, but also more than that. Sorry you had to see that,” he apologized with a slight smirk.
Regulus smiled too. He reached in his coat for something and took out a silver watch. It looked quite expensive, probably got it from Mummy’s money, he thought bitterly. Sirius wasn’t going to ruin the mood by asking how close he still was with her, but he wished he was okay. He didn’t have the guts to ask him, knowing Regulus would remember the day Sirius left him in that house, the cold and rainy day.
He walked forward with the watch in his hand. “You know it’s tradition to give a watch when you turn seventeen,” Regulus said softly. The Blacks had that strange tradition, and Sirius would’ve liked it if the watches weren’t old family heirlooms, with that crazy motto; “Toujours Pur.”
He handed it to Sirius. It was shiny, glistening on his palm. He felt words on the back and his heart skipped a beat. The words were probably there already.
“Does mother know you’re here?” he asked.
“No, she thinks I’m with friends.”
“Well, you are,” said Sirius with a gentle look.
“Yeah, I guess,” he said. “So, is Remus your boyfriend?” Sirius nodded. “Good, he seems nice. Good looking, too,” he added, flushing slightly again.
Sirius laughed. “Everyone keeps telling me that. Like I don't know.” Regulus laughed now, and it felt so nice. Sirius’s heart filled with hope. Hope that his brother would come back to him, hope they’d be friends again, family. Sirius would do anything to have that relationship again. And if it took ten years and awkward conversations, then he’d wait those ten years and suffer those conversations, just because of the premise of having his little brother back.
“You seem very happy,” Regulus pointed out, with a crest on his eyebrows. “It’s crazy, but I can see the difference in your face. You look happy.”
Sirius smiled, feeling whole by the compliment. He felt happy too, happier than ever. If Regulus was happier, then Sirius didn’t notice. His heart clenched in his chest. It was his fault, after all.
“I should’ve taken you with me,” he couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry.”
Regulus shook his head, “don’t. It’s been a year. I, er, I’m planning on leaving soon too.”
“You can come here,” suggested Sirius at once. Regulus chuckled.
“I have a place already. Ted and Andy.” Sirius silently thanked his cousin and her husband, who were the only Blacks besides Sirius, Regulus and their uncle Alphard who were ever sane. “It took me a while, but I’m getting out. I can’t take it another second.”
“I know,” said Sirius, feeling shocked by the sudden wetness in his eyes. “Thank god, Reg.”
Regulus nodded and breathed out. “I have to go to the loo, so…”
“Sure, go ahead. You can stay here as long as you want,” Regulus smiled, and he looked ten again. The innocence and sweetness in his smile brought Sirius back, to the times where they’d been two brothers against the evil monsters that lurked in the house. Or their parents, but Regulus was a child, and Sirius couldn’t bring himself to put so much on him.
Sirius was left in the kitchen, watching him go. Then he looked at the people around and smiled. These people, he thought, were the reason he lived every day, and the reason he would try harder to be happy and a better person. All for them, because he owed them.
He watched, with surprise, how Lily and James were now talking alone. They looked perfectly normal as if James wasn’t head over heels for her, as if Lily didn’t lie every single time she said she hated him. Remus was with Marlene and Dorcas, and Frank, Peter and Alice were together.
Sirius played with the heavy metal of the watch, twirling it around and feeling the words. He didn’t know how his thumb had known it, but as it grazed the letters on the back he felt three words rather than two. Biting his lips with hesitation, he raised it to his eyes and turned it.
Engraved in golden letters and a beautiful cursive, were three simple words. Simple for anyone else, but the most precious words for Sirius.
Toujours ton frère.
He hugged the watch to his chest.
“Sirius, come on!” James pulled him from his arm, so hard Sirius was sure it was going to come off. He dragged him to the living room. Regulus did stay, and Sirius saw him confident and welcomed by everyone, especially James, Peter and Frank. Sirius had eaten, drunk, talked with every single person and more. It had been truly a blessed day.
“Ow! James, be careful, you’re ripping my arm from my socket!” he said now.
James stopped suddenly and Sirius slammed into him. James turned around with a huge grin, that Sirius had to return. Everyone was standing there, on the floor or the sofa. Frank and Peter were carrying the vanilla birthday cake in their hands. The candles were already on top of it, lit and illuminating the entire room. Sirius grinned at every person, and as in cue, they all started singing Happy Birthday. None of them knew how to sing properly, some were behind and some were singing way too high pitched. But for some reason, it sounded like a beautiful chorus and Sirius adored it.
They finished, and Sirius blew the candles. He wished for nothing, as he had everything and everyone he wished for right now. They all cheered loudly and cut the cake into equal pieces. Sirius had only a tiny piece, not wanting too much sugar on his tongue. Remus approached him with a smile.
“I would’ve preferred chocolate, but this isn’t too bad,” he said, eating another piece. Sirius laughed.
“Maybe for your birthday.”
“Oi, Mary,” called Remus. Mary turned and walked towards them, and Remus whispered something in her ear. She lit up and winked at him. Sirius looked between the two in curiosity.
“Of course, love,” she said, taking her phone out and typing.
“What? What are you doing?” Sirius asked. In response, the upbeat song that was filling the flat changed, and the riff of a piano sounded merry. Everyone shouted and cheered, and Sirius looked at Remus with a huge grin.
“I did promise, didn’t I?” he said. Sirius couldn’t believe he remembered. He was laughing so much as everybody sang along, though Sirius only had eyes for Remus, whose voice was somehow standing out from all the others.
You can dance, you can jive
Having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene
Dig in the dancing queen
Sirius sang along too, tossing his pride and his music snobbishness aside.
Remus took his hands in his and started dancing with them, with no rhythm whatsoever, but Sirius still gave in and danced as well. Then the chorus came, and Remus pulled him close. He rested his head on Sirius’s forehead, still dancing with his arms and hips. “You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen,” he sang with a grin. Sirius felt so overwhelmed in a good way. When the second chorus came again, everyone yelled at the same time, pointing, hugging and patting Sirius.
The best part was no one was drunk, and everyone would remember this day perfectly and with no regrets. Mary suggested a game of truth or dare, and in seconds everyone was confessing first kisses, laughing as Peter was dared to yell something dirty out of the window, dying of embarrassment as Marlene told everyone what was the dumbest thing she’d done to get Dorcas’s attention. Lily was dared to kiss James, and she didn’t go through with it, to everyone’s disappointment. Everyone except James, who turned bright red and stuttery when Lily agreed on just one fast quick peck on the cheek and that’s it.
Remus had received a phone call and excused himself from the game. Sirius went to look for him after he’d taken way too much time, getting worried and a tiny bit scared. He was outside on the phone, resting his body on the wall. “Ie, rwy'n hapus iawn,” he heard Remus say in Welsh, and it shouldn’t have been attractive as hell, but it was. Even when he could’ve said something unattractive. Remus heard the door shut and turned around.
“I’ve to go now. Yeah... I know… I’ll tell him. Caru chi,” he said and hung up. “Are you okay?” he asked Sirius, putting his phone in his pocket.
“Yeah, you were gone too much, I wanted to check,” he said. Remus smiled.
“I’m fine, it was my mam. Wanted to see if I was alright and when I was coming back, and blah, blah. Just mother things,” he said. Sirius repressed a huff.
“Does she know about me?” he asked, remembering Remus’s words about her mother, and how he would love Sirius.
Remus gave him a weak smile, “I just told her actually, it’s why it took so long.” He cast his eyes down, and Sirius knew immediately. She hadn’t been okay with it. “She was kinda disappointed in me,” he said, and his weak smile turned into a smirk. “Disappointed she hasn’t met you.”
Sirius’s mouth fell open. “Remus!” He punched him lightly, “you scared me,” he scoffed, feeling his heart with his palm. Remus laughed, then kissed him quickly.
“Come on, let’s go back,” he said, pulling him for another kiss. They went back in after some kissing, holding hands. They were no longer playing, but chatting tiredly and laying on the couches and floor.
“Birthday boy!” James exclaimed as he saw him. “We want to hear a birthday toast!”
Frank and Peter agreed, way less cheery than how it had been an hour ago.
“I’m not giving a toast,” he chuckled.
“Come on,” Mary drawled from her place on the couch, laying on the laps of both Alice and Lily. “We want to hear a speech.”
“About what?” he asked. He might as well do it to satisfy everyone.
“Anything,” Alice chimed in, with a smirk. “Life, school, your birthday, whatever.”
Now, Marlene, Dorcas and Remus agreed, encouraging him to go on and do a speech. Sirius rolled his eyes at their idiocy but did it anyway. He grabbed a bottle of beer that was on the table and stood in front of all of them, raising it. “Everyone’s got their drink?” he asked. They all raised a bottle of beer, except Regulus, Remus and Alice who raised their cokes.
He could do a speech, it was easy. He thought for a moment, nothing coming to mind.
“Just talk about this past month, that always works,” Lily suggested.
Sirius could write an entire bible about the past month and everything that had happened. He remembered the family toasts they used to have on reunions. All those speeches were about family, and the honour and pride the Blacks should have just because they were Blacks. It was pathetic, saying thanks and cheering for such wrong ideologies.
He looked around at everyone, at the sight that surrounded him. And suddenly he knew what to make a speech about. He opened his mouth, and the words purred out. “Well, here’s to friends. And to the reminder that family is not merely blood, but the people who you trust and love.”
“Cheers,” James mumbled, and so did everyone else.
Sirius thought a bit more about the things he learned this month. Not only about himself, but about other people. He talked again, “I come from a crazy family,” he looked at Regulus and smiled at him knowingly. “And they said some crazy shit. That I couldn’t be friends with James, that my cousin Andy couldn’t marry a middle-class man, and that I had to marry a catholic, decent girl to be happy and to please them.”
Remus looked at him with surprise. “I know. And I believed it, for such a long time. I was miserable and alone. And that’s what I want to toast about.”
“Such a sad speech,” muttered Dorcas.
“Not that,” Sirius corrected. “To friends, who guide you when you’re feeling lost, and are there to support you. Friends that remind you that no one is alone, and no one is better off alone,” he looked discreetly at Remus again, remembering his words. James, who was lying on the ground with his head on the couch was now sitting straight, listening intently. So was Frank, with Peter on his shoulder. “Even when you feel like there’s no point in going on, and giving up is the easiest way out, you’re never alone. That’s what people are for. They can save you when life has treated you like a personal punch bag.”
He breathed a laugh. Everyone was listening carefully now, and the air had turned thick with feeling. Sirius went one, not knowing where all of these thoughts were coming from. Perhaps they had always been there, pressing and heavy in his chest and finally were able to be free.
Sirius swallowed. “Bad things and bad people make you forget that the point of life isn’t to be miserable. So many times you feel trapped and it’s easy to forget that we only have one life. And all of a sudden you’re turning seventeen and just realize you have even been living a fake life all this time.” He didn’t miss the cold, dark emptiness in his heart that had been in him for sixteen years. The emptiness that was no longer there. Marlene and Dorcas had curled together, looking proud at Sirius’s words.
“No one knows what happens after we die, or if other lives are waiting ahead of us, like heaven or something else,” he looked at Alice now. She nodded wisely. She and Sirius would never understand each other in this aspect. “I don’t believe there is, but that doesn’t determine how much you should enjoy life. You can believe in God, or Allah or whatever, but what everyone can agree on is that our life is now. This instant, and this very minute.”
Finally, he looked at Remus with adoration in his eyes. All of those times her mother talked about a wife, Sirius hated it and he didn’t know why. Sirius and Remus had a long way to go and were as far as perfect as any other relationship. Some days would be hard, others sad, others stressful. All Sirius knew for sure was he wanted to hold him close, as long as he could.
“So many people in this world hate people like me, because I’m unnatural or other excuses, and I feel bad for those people. Because imagine all of the hatred they have inside them,” he laughed. Marlene and Dorcas were nodding their heads. Lily, Regulus and Remus were smiling, looking at Sirius with their eyes gleaming. It was a beautiful sight, Sirius thought.
“The sad thing is, hatred and fear spread. Like a silent plague, and it kills like one,” all of Sirius’s relatives were victims of it. And he had once been infected too. But not anymore, as well as Regulus.
And it was the people who surrounded him that saved him. Uncle Alphard had spread his ideals to Sirius since five. Andromeda had influenced him at eight. James at eleven, and Frank and Peter at twelve. Marlene and Dorcas, only a few weeks ago. Alice, Lily, and Remus. God, Remus. And they all had one thing in common. Love in their hearts, instead of hatred. They all infected Sirius with their love and contributed to who he was. And that was the answer to everything.
After seventeen years of living, Sirius finally understood. He raised his glass, and everyone did too, waiting on their toes to hear what he had to say now. Sirius looked at Remus and smiled. It was so simple, and yet millions of people in the world simply didn’t get it. “Luckily, love does too. Between friends or lovers, two men or two women. Between families and siblings. Love can be spread too.”
“Cheers,” James said, much more enthusiastically than before. Everyone followed, drinking and yelling, applauding.
Remus walked towards him with loving eyes. He touched their bottles together with a cling and drank.
“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” Mary started chanting. Sirius rolled his eyes at her, but soon everyone was stomping their feet and chanting as well.
Remus laughed, looking at everyone and then at Sirius. The people want a show, give them what they want, Sirius. He raised his eyebrows at Remus, and he responded with a smirk. Sirius placed his hand around his neck and one on his hips, while Remus grabbed his arms.
Sirius brought him down, connecting their lips. It didn’t matter if it was their third kiss or their millionth, Sirius was sure he’d never ever get used to the feeling of his lips on Remus’s. He heard everyone around cheer even louder, and some wolf-whistles were heard too.
The kiss was amazing, the voices were exciting. And life was good.
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Alt er Love
Everything is love