Chapter Text
Fourteen days. That’s how long Amelia was in a medically-induced coma while her family and friends dealt with the mess of the car crash. Afterwards, there was a week of being forced to lie still and then a ten day period as she struggled to gain awareness. Amelia suffered brain damage to her cerebrum as well as significant paralysis, so she could barely move on her own and she couldn’t talk. She heard everything though, including the conversations people had over her ailing body about Addison.
Link had the decency to keep her updated as often as he could, even with the knowledge that she wasn’t totally conscious most of the time. It was worse than after her brain tumor because the future was filled with unknowns. Would she wake up again? Could she be unable to speak forever? Will she always need someone with her and never be left alone? Questions filled Amelia’s thoughts constantly and all she wanted was a solid answer. Maybe this was what her mom had felt like, when Amelia didn’t tell the woman who raised her if she was alive or dead at the end of each day. God, if she could barely survive a month of the unknown, she had no idea how her mom had dealt with it for most of her teenage years.
According to Meredith, Amelia’s two kids were doing okay. They were staying with their aunt and cousins who would at least take their mind off of things for a short while. Link spent all his spare time at Amelia’s bedside; Amelia could feel his hand gripped in hers and his light kisses on her cheeks when he entered and left her room. She missed being able to kiss him back, to passionately fight him for control. Fat chance of that ever happening again now, because Amelia could barely move.
When at last Amelia did wake up again, she had to relearn everything. How to talk and how to move even slightly. She couldn’t walk; something else the car crash had taken away from her. Hel, Amelia didn’t even find out about Addison’s passing until more than a month later. Her fellow doctors at Grey-Sloan didn’t want her progress to deteriorate by telling her about her ex-sister-in-law, so they waited until she was breathing on her own, and strong enough to recognize what people were saying. What was worse, was that they had told Scout and Jemma the day before, so when they came to see their mom, they were under strict orders not to say anything about Addison.
It was Meredith who sat down by Amelia’s bedside and held her hand while she told her the news. Link was waiting with the kids outside, and they ran in to give Amelia hugs afterwards, while tears ran down her face. She couldn’t even move her arm to wipe them away; Link used the bottom corner of his shirt to do so. God Amelia just wanted to give up at this point.
She barely had time to register that Addison truly wasn’t around anymore, when she was apparently deemed well enough to go home to rest and recuperate. But it showed in the way Amelia had absolutely no will to do anything, and mostly lay in bed. It didn’t help that the kids tiptoed around her a lot, and Link worried about sleeping next to her in bed. Amelia wanted to tell them not to worry, but she could hardly think clearly, let alone formulate a sentence. Therapists came to the house and worked with her in an environment she knew, something Amelia had a feeling was bound to happen. And a day-nurse came to look after her 3 days a week when Link did some light surgeries at the hospital and took care of the kids’ after school activities. Amelia hated that someone else was paid to help her do things that before, she did without a second thought.
On Saturdays and Sundays, Link was always home with her and the kids. He did most of the housework, and kept the kids busy in the backyard or sent them to Mer’s if things were quiet. Scout and Jemma liked staying home sometimes, wanting to help their mom in whatever way they could. But even they got bored, and left their mom to rest so they could go back to playing in their rooms.
Unfortunately, it was just then that Amelia attempted to roll over and failed to do so safely. She only meant to shift ever so slightly, yet even that was a feat. Her muscles strained too much, forcing her to roll over much more than intended. Amelia ended up in a heap on the floor, legs and arms braced painfully against the bed and the wall, unable to move. She wanted to call out but she couldn’t form the words. She wanted to shout for Link and tell him that she couldn’t even roll over without falling out of bed. During the days where even blinking felt like climbing a mountain, all Amelia wanted to do was call for someone.
It was over twenty minutes of lying in a pile of limbs, before someone came to rescue her. Not much of a rescue took place though, as it was Scout who burst in with a glass of water and a bright purple straw in his hand. “Mommy, I brought you water! Jemma picked a purple straw because it’s your favourite colour apparently. But I remember Daddy saying you liked blue because that’s the colour of mine and his eyes…” He trailed off when he took in the sight of his helpless mother on the floor. The water glass slipped from his grasp and hit the floor, shattering into a bunch of pieces. Scout instinctively jumped back and his face crumpled. “I’m so sorry Mommy, I won’t touch it while you clean it up.”
There was a pause as it dawned on Scout that his mom couldn’t help him and it dawned on Amelia that she truly was helpless. She tried to smile but her mouth wouldn’t move and her eyes remained in a hard stare. Scout ran out of the room without a backwards glance and Amelia knew she had officially scarred her son for life. What kind of parent was she if she couldn’t help her child when they dropped a glass? She couldn’t even tell him it was okay because she couldn’t talk. Well, not fast enough. She could say short sentences, with maybe a few words in them at a time. Although that even took a while. Kids would typically get bored by the time she managed to say the second word. It was really only Link and Meredith who stuck around long enough to hear what she wanted to get out.
Hurried footsteps announced that Link was coming into the room. He entered and took one look at the mess, from the broken glass and water, but also Amelia who was still in a pile of limbs. “I’ve got you,” Link said, stepping over the shards to lift Amelia off of the bedroom floor. He pulled back the covers and placed her on the bed, rearranging the pillows in a cocoon of sorts, to make sure she couldn’t roll off anymore. Then he left, only to return with a towel and a broom to clean up Scout’s mess.
Amelia could barely look at her husband. She didn’t want to see the sadness in his eyes, or even worse, resentment. He didn’t sign up for this life, the one where he had to help his wife up off the floor because she couldn’t even do that by herself. He had married a brilliant neurosurgeon; now he just had a wife with a brain injury.
After cleaning up the broken glass and mopping the water up, Link fell onto the bed, careful to not jostle Amelia in the process. While he leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes, Amelia’s thoughts were running wild. She couldn’t believe Link when he said that he loved her. She didn’t think anyone could ever be so ‘okay’ with what had happened. He had to regret some part of their law-binding contract. Who cares if he’s the one who pushed for marriage? You were allowed to want to take back something in the end.
Amelia’s brain injury had affected her speech, but that didn’t stop her from telling Link what she wanted to say. “I wish…” Amelia began to speak but her stupid brain wouldn’t get out the stupid words. “I wish I…”
“What do you wish?” Patient as ever, Link propped his head up as he watched his wife.
“I wish,” Breath. “I wish I was dead.”
Silence hung in the air. Link’s eyes were alarmed with panic as he stared at her but his voice was choked with tears when he spoke. “You don’t mean that. Please Amelia, tell me you don’t mean that. How can you say that? I love you, the kids love you. How can you say that?” Hurt crossed his face as he pushed himself off the bed.
You don’t love me. You can’t, I’m broken, she wanted to cry out. Instead she repeated her sentence. “I wish,” mumbled Amelia. But she didn’t get the rest of the sentence out before her face crumpled and tears began to pour down her cheeks.
Her husband’s anger instantly melted. Link reached out and grabbed his wife. He pulled her, not so gracefully, into his lap and wrapped his strong arms around her. She sobbed harder into his chest and Link just stroked her hair. He told her the same words he had said when he picked her up off the floor, moments earlier. “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”
Amelia didn’t really wish she was dead. It just seemed like the easiest answer because what she really wanted, she couldn’t have. She wanted Jake to have his wife back, for Henry to have his mom and for her to have her “big sister”. She wanted Jemma and Scout to see their aunt again and the stupid jokes about how hot Link is to be made. But Amelia had been through enough pain and heartbreak to know that anything she wished for, most likely would not come true.
It hurt even more, because Addison was the one who had been there for her in her darkest times. She was really the only one who got to meet all three of Amelia’s kids; not just the ones she had with Link. One of the only people willing to do whatever it took to get her sober after Ryan’s death. The one who understood her pain the most, about not being there when Derek died. God, Addison had been almost everything to Amelia. And now she is gone and never coming back.
The thing about death was that it never really affected the dead person. They just wouldn’t wake up again; close their eyes one last time and be gone. But the family and friends of the deceased were left to pick up all the pieces. They were supposed to find a way to move on, a way to find closure and somehow be okay in the end. Yet that was easier said than done. And even though Amelia had been through it too many times growing up, it still didn’t make it any easier. Nothing about losing a loved one was easy. It just hurt.