Chapter Text
The atmosphere in the room was heavy. Aki ignored it.
Today the 3D manoeuvre exam had taken place, and if others were stressed because of it, it wasn’t her case. She was sure she might have gotten good results. Excellent ones, even. She hoped… She was keeping her stress for fight-to-fight combat. Trying to, at least, because even though she had aced the exam, her self-confidence was clearly lacking. This was something she had never known how to do: believe in herself and her aptitudes.
She was eating in silence, lost in her own thoughts. She wasn’t listening to the others that chattered joyfully all around her. She was thinking about tomorrow. She was thinking about the Survey corps. She was thinking of her past. She was thinking of her future. Of her present. Thinking of what could happen to her. Thinking of why she had made these decisions.
Then she sighed deeply and shook her head a little. She was tired of thinking so much, she was feeling an headache beginning to thump at her temples. She couldn’t stay here much longer, surrounded by noises and voices. It made her so stressed she kept on bitting her bottom lip.
She got up and put down her tray on a table. She was the first one to leave the dinner hall. She didn’t warn Haru and Yuki, not worth it. They would only worry about her and then ask her a million of curious questions to try and understand her behavior and what was disturbing her. Not worth it. She was alright. Just fine. Or rather, that was what she was trying to convince herself of.
As much as she was trying to find out, she couldn’t understand what was going on with her. She should have been happy to finally get the chance to meet her greatest hero. Right? Then, what was wrong with her? Why did she feel her stomach tying up, her legs tremble? Why was she beginning to breath faster? Why was her heart rate going up? Admittedly, she was just getting out of an overly crowded room so it was quite a normal reaction for her.
But even half an hour later, after having been isolated in her bed (the dorms were common but everyone was in the dining hall, eating), she was sweating, her heart raced like crazy, she just wanted to get out and run for her life, or maybe pull her hair out. And she could not understand what was going on. Was she… so stressed because of them? No. Impossible. She always was able to keep cool and calm. Admittedly, she would be thirteen tomorrow. And then? Who cared? Not even her. Well, at least she thought so. She had never celebrated any of her birthdays after her ninth one. She was used to it. So why? Why was she getting so weak? She had to stay strong, calm. Behave maturely. Not like a twelve year-old brat. She had to be an adult, that was simple. She didn’t have the right to be childish. Even though deep down, that was the only things she was asking for. Being able to smile like a child. Cry like one. Feel like one. She would have wanted to stay the child she was before losing her family forever.
The truth was that she was more than fed up with her memories, with her responsibilities. She had grown up much too rapidly, and she knew that very well. Only she hadn’t had the choice. The world hadn’t let her any choice. She had gotten out of Shiganshina horrified, frightened, broken, but also more adult, more responsible. She would never know wether it was a good or a bad thing.
She laid down in her bed, without caring to change her clothes and put her arms behind her head. She then closed her eyes and tried to empty her head of thoughts. She tried hard to think about nothing. She tried hard not to think. However, this wasn’t such a simple task in the head of a preoccupied teenager. She sighed.
Not use staying in here anymore, she thought. She got up, pushed her bedsheets, and closed the dorm’s door. Outside the light was dimming. She began walking into the darkening streets, nails digging her palm’s sensible skin.
Walking, walking, walking. It kind of emptied her head. Well, mostly it gave her something to do and to think about, distracting her from her obsessive thoughts.
Sometimes she wished she could just have one day off her mind.
After a good hour spent walking around, she decided to go back to the building. When Haru catched a glimpse of her in front of the dorm’s door, she literally lost it.
-Aki, you are super young, and you’re just taking a stroll so late in the evening? You could’ve gotten lost! Gotten kidnapped! Are you mad?
The girl avoided her gaze purposefully, and Haru noticed it almost immediately. Aki didn’t often look people in their eyes when talking, but Haru usually had that privilege. Not tonight though. The lagoon-blue gaze of the youngest was fixated on her shoes, and she stared hard at them.
Aki apologized, but her “sorry” was all but real and sincere.
The tall girl decided to leave her alone. She didn’t want to bother her, or worse, make her sad. She cared so much about her though, that she wanted her to talk her feelings out.
The big clock, well-protected behind the Sina wall, rang twelve times in a row. Suddenly, millions of noises, laughter, joyful screams, were to be heard in every corner of the city. Everyone was celebrating the new year that they had been waiting for impatiently. One more year spent protected from the Titans, in their peaceful shelter of walls.
Just like sheep, thought Aki with bitterness.
She blocked the sound from her ears, she didn’t want to hear all these happy sounds when she herself just hated New Year. It ripped her heart apart. She could now add one year to the count of those spent alone, without her family. Without her brother’s laughter. Without her mother’s smiles. Without her grandmother’s smell… Not only three years, but really four now. She didn’t even want to know it, she wanted to stop acting like a child counting everything. She kept calculating everything. Everything was just methodical for her. Feelings? She ignored them; how do you add feelings to a calculation?
Answer: you can’t.
She moved to her side, once, twice. She couldn’t sleep.
When her watch showed five a.m. -no, she was still not sleeping-, she congratulated herself : Bravo, Aki, you’re thirteen years old. And absolutely no one knows it.
She sighed deeply and turned around, praying to finally be able to fall asleep during the two hours she had left before sunrise and beginning her day. Finally, after an hour of hopeless and fruitless waiting, she gave up and got up, put her shoes on and got out. What use would it be to stay in her bed awake anyway? Yes, it was warm. And comfortable. But at least outside she would be breathing fresh air. Maybe she would feel a little less agitated. It was better for her to get outside, it stressed her out to hear her comrades’ regular breathing sounds. That way she could watch the moon. Admire the dawn, the citrus fruit-colored light emanating from the sun’s lazy rising.
She sat on exactly the same step as some month before, and calmly closed her eyes. She was almost beginning to get sleepy when a voice startled her.
-Hey kid, what are you doing her alone ?
An amused and playful voice. Exactly the opposite of what Aki was.
A brunette, her long hair up in a ponytail that was the messiest the young girl had ever seen, with glasses practically eating her face, with a crazy scientist expression on her face, sat right next to her. Aki cleared her throat a little, wondering what exactly this woman was doing here.
Then, she caught a glimpse of the badge in her back : two wings, one white and the other dark blue, intertwined. She instantly fired up and looked at the woman with a glimpse of admiration in her blue eyes.
-Miss, you are from the Survey corps?
The brunette smiled widely and nodded.
-I don’t like it when you call me “Miss”. Hanji is much, much better.
-Hanji. Glad to meet you, said Aki.
Hanji. This name reminded her of… of something, though she couldn’t put her finger on what.
-Have you seen a titan around here?
The blonde stayed shocked at that. Did she just dream or did that woman ask if she had seen a titan ?
-Hum…No…You know, we are in protected territory, so there is no need for you to worry.
Even though she doubted the woman was worrying, seeing the twinkle in her eyes. It honestly looked like she wanted Aki to say that yes, she had seen a titan.
-I’m no worried! It’s just that…
The woman was interrupted by a violent sob coming from her own mouth. Aki looked flabbergasted. Why, in the love of God, was this woman crying?
-Levi didn’t want to give me new titans for my experiences! Levi is mean! Very, very mean!
Levi. Aki swallowed slowly when she heard that name. Was he… was he here? Too?
-Mi-Hanji. Levi? Are you talking about the real Levi? Humanity’s strongest?
-Hey, you are talking about him as if you admired him. You know, you shouldn’t! Levi is very mean! He refuses to give me guinea pigs for my experiences! Although it’s important for me, he keeps saying “Shut up four eyes, you’re fucking getting on my nerves get the hell out of here”!
Aki was stunned, once more. This femme definitely was really something. She wanted to be friends with the titans? She might as well go and cross the walls! And how dangerous was it to choose titans as experiences subjects? This woman seemed to be masochistic and suicidal. Or just crazy. Or, full of passion…
-Hanji, are you here for our classes?
-Yeah yeah, nodded the brunette. And you know Levi too even though that was the last thing he wanted to do -he hated kids-, Erwin said he had to do it and didn’t give him much choice so he is here too!
The woman crossed her arms, as if the only presence of her colleague was making her upset.
-Oh…And…Why are you already here? I do not want to be impolite, but it is quite early in the morning…
-Well, said Hanji, scratching her head, which showed she was thinking, Levi told me he had seen a rare plant that lures titans outside, so I got out and started searching for it. But you know what ? He was lying, there is nothing!!! And I thought that for once he was being kind, that maybe he regretted being mean to me all the time!
-Oh…
The youngest was finding it hard to believe Hanji could me so dum- hum, gullible. She was about as naïve as a four-year old child. Which says a lot. Nothing lures titans, except humans.
The blonde girl started pondering on what the oldest had just said. She could easily get lost in her thoughts and forget about everything around her.
Levi seemed quite… Not really mean, but… Well, yes, a little mean. At the same time, he must’ve had his fair share of having to deal with Hanji. She seemed to be kind, but only if you had much patience. If you didn’t then she might have been really unnerving and unbearable. Fortunately, Aki had a lot of patience. A lot.
The tall brunette put a hand on her head and ruffled Aki’s hair while smiling. The blonde just wanted to cry out and get away from her. She already had trouble bearing Haru’s or Yuki’s hand, so a stranger’s… And not any stranger, this woman, who looked a bit like a psychopath able of raping her right now. Well, she definitely would’ve liked her not to touch her hair. Or any part of her body, for that matter.
She didn’t move an inch, but was squeezing her nails to her palms so hard that she was beginning to feel an aching pain. Well, this wouldn’t be the first time that she’d make herself bleed. The traces of her nails would be printed to her skin for a few days. But of course, she would put on oversized sweaters with long sleeves and no one would ever know.
-Hey kiddo, what’s your name again?
-…Aki. Misaki Aki.
-Aki, what a cute name. Just like you.
She winked at her.
Okay, wow. What was that?
-Than…Thank you.
The sun was finally beginning to rise. It seemed to Aki as if the night had gone on for much more than ten hours. She looked up to stare at the dawn’s soft shades, and Hanji followed.
-Hey, Aki, don’t you think it is beautiful?
-I do…, she said while thinking any well-functioning human would have said so.
-Well, what about you go and eat?
-Are you not coming?
-No, we don’t eat with the trainees.
-Ok…Well, maybe see you later then.
And the blonde got up, leaving the brunette still sat on the steps. Aki headed for the dinner hall, while pondering on what the brunette had just told her. Then humanity’s strongest was coming to be their teacher for a few hours? What an incredible luck had the trainees this year. Even though seeing what Hanji had said, Levi didn’t seem to be so enthusiastic about having to teach teenagers.
Aki, once she had reached her goal, sat at a table and yawned. Damn, she was so tired. She wished she could have slept a little more. Accumulating all this fatigue couldn’t be good for her.
Once more, she had arrived much too early. It was about seven, she still had half an hour to wait. But, being used to arriving way before her comrades, she had thought of grabbing a book. She read, completely absorbed in the story, until the other trainees arrived. Haru and Yuki sat next to her, greeting her like ever with a smile each, to which she answered by making a tiny tiny smirk. They ate while chatting -or rather the two biggest were chatting and Aki just listened intently. That was a problem for no one. They knew she didn’t like to talk much, and they were okay with it by now.
Once they were finished, they got up, put their trays down and went to sit in the classroom -which was more of an amphitheatre.
Aki sat, as always, the highest possible in the bleachers that were disposed in a half-circle, right next to a window. None of the trainees were wearing their uniform, because they didn’t have to when they had classes. They were allowed to were more casual clothing. Haru was wearing a skirt reaching the lowest part of her thighs, a turquoise vest and a white t-shirt. Yuki, pretty much like any boy in the room, wore a simple t-shirt, trainers and a jean. The little blonde herself, unlike most girls in the room, didn’t have a skirt but pants on, and trainers, a scarlet hoodie with a white shirt peeking out underneath. She couldn’t car less about not being feminine. Ok, it was her thirteenth birthday and she at least could have tried a little harder.
But for what it was worth… What was even the point of making an effort for herself?
Their teacher cleared his throat.
-Children, I introduce to you the members of the Survey Corps that came to teach you today.
The blond-haired girl looked down at each of the members, and caught sight of Hanji that was waving at her like crazy with a full opened mouth smiling. Aki let her head drop. Seriously, did this crazy scientist want to draw everyone’s attention to her? Every pupil was watching her, she could feel their gaze watching her silently, and suddenly she felt like a wild beast exposed to curious zoo’s visiters.
And she hated that.
She was used to being left behind, people didn’t get along with her because of her calm and her seriousness. And suddenly, because of the brunette… She had become the centre of attention.
-Come on children you can begin. You can ask your questions, encouraged their teacher.
Aki was listening intently, her eyes glued on her shoes.
-Is the Survey corps dangerous?, asked a girl.
A low-pitched voice growled:
-Of course it’s dangerous! Titans can fucking eat you anytime but other than that no danger! You wouldn’t last long out there, brats. Tss.
Aki, shocked by the familiarity of the words, raised her head to see what had just talked. Levi was standing, leaning against the wall, brows knitted and was staring at each trainee in the room. When his gaze met hers, she let her head drop. He wasn’t tall. He spoke really badly. He was treating them like useless brats. But damn, he had one of these stares! The kind of stares that makes you think that the person can look right through you and know every and each of your most intimate and deepest thoughts. A stare that was really hard to bear. She hated that… But she couldn’t help but feel her heart beat faster. He was handsome, she had to admit it.
-Hey, you, the blonde over there.
Aki, alarmed, raised her head once again. Yes, it was her the Corporal was calling for. He was scrutinizing her with his cold grey eyes. I’m so lucky today, she thought sarcastically.
-Get your ass over here.
Aki got up, and she could feel how the whole crowd was holding their breath while following her with her eyes. She had got enough attention for about a whole month now, thank you very much. She couldn’t really feel her legs and wondered how she even made it to the bottom of the room.
She stopped right in front of the Survey Corps members. She could feel their eyes on her -intrigued, bored, full of expectations.
-Hey Aki, breathed the scientist with a full smile to the girl.
-Shut up four eyes, no one asked. So your name is Aki, huh?
-Hum…Yes…A…Aki Misaki…
-Good at 3D?
-Yes, I guess I’m okay at it, nodded the blonde while avoiding Levi’s gaze, fearing her knees would just give up under her if she met her steel pupils again. She didn’t get what he was on about.
-Ok so you could make a sketch on the board, to explain to these brats that still aren’t able to control 3D devices how they work? Hurry up, I’m not waiting for an answer, kid.
Aki waited no more, she put herself to work, however she felt so stressed by all the people around her staring at her so fiercely that she messed up her drawing completely. She immediately felt like a mistake who didn’t deserve to even walk on this Earth.
Of course, Levi rubbed salt into the wounds, said she was a useless brat. The blonde showed no emotions, just stayed with an emotionless face when in reality she just wanted to let herself melt into a pool of tears and disappear into the ground. It really touched and resonated within her. Her own thoughts were already trying to convince her that she was a piece of worthless shit, and if humanity’s strongest said she was, then surely it was the truth, wasn’t it ?
She couldn’t even follow the rest of the class because of how much what he had said had wounded her. Normally she always the one to answer questions even when people around her were ready to fall asleep. She was biting her lip to the point where it started bleeding, and her nails would leave some pretty deep scars into her palms.
When it rang, she instantly felt relieved. She took all of her stuff while telling her two friends to go eat without waiting for her. She went down the stairs last, tiptoeing to not get noticed.
-Misaki, please come here.
She was startled by her professor’s call. She turned around and saw that he was surrounded by Survey corps members. She really was unlucky today though. Had she walked under a ladder and crossed the path of a black cat without noticing today?
-Yes…?
-I don’t understand why you failed your sketch. He went on, talking to the survey corps : You know, when it comes to 3D devices, Aki might very well be the best of the 105th. I really can’t seem to understand how she came to make such mistakes… Probably because she wasn’t paying attention…
-But this girl is useless. Just seeing the way she’s built should get you to understand. It’s just an unsignificant brat. Another one.
Again, the blonde didn’t react. She kept her passive face as she always did. But inside, it was war unleashing. Oh, how she wished she could’ve just gotten out of the room and fled.
The woman with a ponytail threw herself onto Levi and shook him fiercely:
-Levi, you’re mean! Really mean! First off, Aki isn’t useless; she is very kind! She at least listens to me without insulting me every thirty seconds!
-Shut the fuck up Hanji you’re getting on my nerves! You’re annoying, do you get that? No one talked to you! Go back to playing with your Titans toys!
Hanji, vexed that he took his passion so lightly, went back to skulking in a corner while muttering “Grrr…Sawney and Bean…Grrrr…Titans…” Creepy. The raven-haired man turned to Aki:
-Well brat, that’s not how you’re gonna kill Titans, you know that? Do something, you need to train.
Train? What about her daily runs? She knew it didn’t show, she didn’t grow a bit and she seemed to be as much if not even more flimsy.
-I have an idea Leviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!, intervened Hanji. YOU could train her.
-Don’t wanna train a fucking brat like her thanks. Tss.
-Come on Levi, that way we’ll be able to save more people if she becomes part of the Survey corps !
She has just hit a very sore spot there. It barely showed on the black-haired man’s face, that had frowned almost imperceptibly. So, hidden behind his heart of steel and his brutal manners was a real heart, that felt, and devotion to humanity? How curious. But also endearing.
-Ok brat. I will train you once per month from now on. And don’t fucking mess with me.
-Only once per month, Leviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii? Come on, a lil more !
-T…Thank you so much, she said. I’ll do my best !
And she smiled, a smile that could have melted about any heart, be it one of steel or one of lead. And yes, even Levi’s.