Chapter Text
It had been four days since Tommy showed up at Technoblade’s cabin, it had been three since Dream showed up looking for him.
It had been six minutes since Tubbo knocked on his door, clutching a compass for dear life, asking, hoping, praying Techno had seen Tommy.
“Please, I know we’re not on the best of terms, but I saw the tower at Logstedshire and,” Tubbo could barely get the words out, tripping over sobs. His hands shook, tears streaming down his face in a constant and heavy pour. “I just need to know if he’s alive.”
Tommy could hear someone at the door, it didn’t sound like Dream. It sounded so familiar, so comforting, it sounded like home. Curiosity overtook him, he stepped down the ladder, the voice got clearer and his heart beat faster.
“Tubbo?”
“Tommy?” Tubbo cried. “You’re okay!”
He had new clothes, clothes that fit him. He had a proper jacket, good shoes. He looked nice, healthy, clean. Techno’s grip tightened on the doorknob. Tommy was worried it was going to shatter under his hold.
“I am,” Tommy said, it was reserved, like Tubbo was a stranger. “As okay as I can be after you exiled me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tubbo said sincerely. “Dream came to me privately beforehand and told me I had to do it. I never thought,” Tubbo paused, readying himself for the words he had to say, “it would be that bad. Two days and you’d be back and we’d be fine. I would’ve taken the punishment myself if I had known.”
Tommy closed his eyes, he took a shuddering breath, he clenched his hands into fists. When he looked back to Tubbo, Techno could see the pain and the hurt etched into his features. “You really think a simple apology is going to fix everything?” He demanded. “That you waltzing back and saying sorry will erase everything Dream did to me? He murdered someone right in front of me but sure, you’re sorry so that means everything is fine!”
The air in the room went stale. The tension increased exponentially. Everybody was shocked still, even Tommy. He looked the most surprised at the words that fell out of his mouth.
“He murdered someone?” Tubbo asked.
“In front of you?” Techno added.
Tommy stumbled on his words, looking anywhere but at the other two. “I think so, but I also thought a lot of things that weren’t true so how do I know it wasn’t just another hallucination?”
“Another?” Tubbo prompted. “You had other hallucinations?”
“Yeah,” Tommy laughed, it was dry in spirit, wet with tears. “Thought you visited me.”
Tubbo might as well have died where he stood, the pain in his heart was unbearably excruciating. The implications of that single sentence broke Tubbo; that the only way Tommy saw Tubbo during exile was because his mind was playing tricks on him, that it planted seeds of doubt so deep into Tommy that he couldn’t tell fiction from reality. Tubbo was still holding the compass, his grip had gotten tighter.
“I did visit,” Tubbo said quietly. “It just seems I was a little too late.”
“Seems you were,” Tommy tried to keep the tears at bay, he couldn’t.
Techno hadn’t said a word, he felt caught in a crossfire. The words the two boys exchanged acted as ammunition, they looked down the ends of each other’s weapons with eyes that radiated too much heartache for their age.
“Well, I just wanted to know if you were okay,” Tubbo said. “And it looks like you’re happy here.” There was a second half to the sentence that Tubbo never said, but Tommy didn’t need to hear it, he knew exactly what he meant. “And safe, so I’ll go. I promise not to tell Dream.”
“Thanks.”
Tubbo turned to snowy plains, he looked back to Tommy. He still held the compass in his hands. There was an unspoken conversation between them, like they’d always been able to do. Still, Tubbo voiced it aloud, just in case. “I hope that you make a good life for yourself, Tommy. I think you deserve it most of all.”
Techno closed the door. Tommy stared at it, his eyes trained on the spot that was once Tubbo’s retreating form. Silent tears never stopped flowing.
“You okay?” Techno asked. Tommy shook his head silently, he looked down at the floor. Techno walked over to Tommy, letting him rest his head on Techno’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
“I miss him, Technoblade,” Tommy whispered. “I miss him so much.”
Techno’s heart shattered. He brushed a hand through Tommy’s freshly washed hair, the strands were no longer caked with a horrible mixture of sand and snow and soot. He actually looked blond again.
“I miss all of them,” Tommy’s body shook against Techno’s. “I miss L’Manburg.”
“Oh, Tommy,” Techno said. He was brought near to tears, looking at the boy in front of him, who had lost everything he’d ever gotten, directly under the public’s eye. His shortcomings were common knowledge, his pain was uniquely crafted to make sure the wounds would stay fresh years down the line.
Tommy was an altruist who was forced to live through the horrors of war, feel the effects of bloodshed and grief firsthand. It broke him, but he never stopped seeing the best in people, in situations, in his worst enemies.
He didn’t deserve any of it, he deserved to be happy, to be loved. He shouldn’t have been crying on Technoblade’s shoulder, missing the friends, the country that exiled him. He shouldn’t have been exiled in the first place. It was, in Techno’s humble opinion, absolutely unfair. He let Tommy cry into his shoulder, he wrapped him in a tight hug, hoping Tommy would understand the sentiment.
When Tommy had calmed down, they made their way to the kitchen to have lunch. Techno pulled out his communicator, he sent a single message.
Technoblade whispered to Tubbo_: come back tomorrow, Tommy needs you.
Tubbo_ whispered to Technoblade: should I come now or?
Techno didn’t answer it, Tommy needed his attention. Tubbo would get the gist when he got no reply. It was a little worrying that Tubbo knew where he lived, but he knew no harm would come to him while Tommy was under his care.
The world seemed to still, just for a moment, just for a second. They were sheltered from the harsh winds, harsh realities of the outside world. Everything seemed manageable, just for a moment, just for a second. Tommy was healing, smiling, he’d stopped apologizing for every little thing. They were alright.
Tommy looked to Techno, Techno looked back. Tommy’s eyes were red, he had his hand on his head like it hurt. It probably did with the amount of crying he had done. Techno got up and grabbed him a glass of water.
“What’s this for?” Tommy asked, holding the glass up, to show Techno what he was referring to.
“For your head,” Techno said. “You cried quite a bit, you’re probably dehydrated.”
“Oh,” Tommy replied. “Thank you.”
It became strikingly apparent to Techno that Tommy wasn’t used to or perhaps had simply forgotten what it was like to be cared about, cared for. It was evident in his confusion of simple gestures, his hesitancy towards accepting help.
It was saddening, but they could work on it, together, if Tommy chose to stay. Despite himself, a little part of Techno hoped he did stay, it was nice having company. It was nice having Tommy as company, anyone else he probably would’ve kicked them out. With Tommy, it was different, he was protective of the kid for some reason, wanted him to be safe, feel safe. Techno didn’t know what anyone else was thinking, but he knew his own thoughts and he knew that Tommy would be safe with him.
He had made Tommy a bed, he was designing an added room so Tommy could have his own space. He was soft, he couldn’t find it himself to care all that much.
Tommy went to sleep under a pile of warm blankets, a mostly empty teacup next to him, discarded in light of much needed rest. Dawn came sooner than he would have liked, with it came a knock at the door. Tommy hated the door, it always filled him with dread, he envied the way it never phased Techno.
Techno opened the door easily, expectantly. The guest only waited for Techno to open the door to start talking. There were no greetings or pleasantries, it was just a concerned question, rushed out in a single hastily taken breath.
“How’s Tommy?” It was Tubbo again, Tommy’s heart lurched. It was his best friend, he didn’t know if he could brave stepping down the ladder. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing Tubbo’s face again. There was a battle between his head and his heart.
His heart won, he skipped half the rungs on the ladder, he was met face to face with Tubbo.
“Why don’t you ask him yourself,” Techno huffed.
“Are you okay?” Tubbo asked.
“Why are you here?” Tommy asked. He was grateful, he thought he was at least, he just didn’t understand. Tubbo tilted his head in confusion, blinking repeatedly trying to process the question.
“I asked him to come,” Techno interjected. “You missed him, Tommy. You two know each other better than you know yourselves, you need each other.”
“I would’ve come as soon as he sent the message, but I didn’t know if you would’ve wanted to see me so soon afterwards so I waited until today,” Tubbo rambled, Tommy noticed the way he was shivering. He gestured for Tubbo to come in, Tubbo accepted the invitation. Techno announced his leave, to give them space and privacy.
“It’s early,” Tommy commented. “L’manburg is pretty far, you must’ve woken up a while ago.”
“I didn’t go all the way back to L’manburg,” Tubbo admitted. “I just set up a little shelter when I got the message.”
“Why?” It was an open-ended question, vaguely and simply worded. Tubbo inferred.
“He said you needed me,” Tubbo said. “I wasn’t about to let anything happen to you again.”
“So you stayed close.”
“Yeah,” Tubbo said. “I’m so sorry, Tommy. Is there any way you can forgive me?”
“I think,” Tommy nodded. “Over time.”
“Take all the time in the world,” Tubbo smiled. The bridge they’d formed between themselves was fragile, like any wrong word would make it crumble into nothing.
Tommy and Tubbo sat down on opposite ends of the table, no words were spoken. Tommy opened his mouth to speak but closed it, several times.
“I’m sorry,” is what he settled on.
“Why are you apologizing?” Tubbo asked.
“I don’t know,” Tommy’s eyes welled with tears. “I just felt like I should.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, Tommy,” Tubbo told him.
“You and Techno have both told me that,” Tommy laughed.
“Maybe because it’s true,” Tubbo teased. “Me and Techno agree on a lot of things, so if we agree on this, I think it’s time to just accept it as fact.”
“I’m trying,” Tommy said softly. “Believe me.”
“How are you?” Tubbo asked. “Genuinely.”
“Genuinely?” Tommy asked, Tubbo nodded. “Not good, Big Man, but I think I’m getting there. How’s L’Manburg?”
“It’s still standing,” Tubbo said. “So that’s good.”
“Yeah,” Tommy stood up and made two cups of tea. Fresh and warm, perhaps warm enough to thaw the tension. He set the glasses in front of them, Tubbo took his eagerly. “How are Ranboo and Ghostbur? I haven’t really talked to either in a while, they stopped visiting.”
“They’re okay,” Tubbo said. His heart ached at the thought of nobody visiting Tommy, he never liked being alone. “Ranboo made a house with a big ‘R’ on it, it’s nice. Ghostbur’s alright, he’s the same ghost he’s always been.”
“So nothing much has changed, huh?”
“It’s been pretty stressful without my best friend, but I’ve managed to stay afloat.” Tubbo gripped the teacup tightly, centered in between his two palms. Tommy didn’t respond so Tubbo took a chance and said what was on his mind. “I’ve missed you.”
“Then why didn’t you visit me?” Tommy’s voice was timid, scared, quiet.
“I was scared,” Tubbo answered the question, even though Tommy’s propensity for being rhetorical was high. “And I know it’s a selfish thing to do, but I couldn’t bear you hating me.”
“I could never hate you, Tubbo,” Tommy said. “Even if you sided with Dream, even if you hated me , I could never hate you.”
“I exiled you, Tommy. How can you not?”
“Because you’re my best friend,” Tommy told him, a small smile shining through. It was sad, a little bit desperate.
“I don’t think I deserve that.” Tubbo’s eyes glistened with tears that he couldn’t let fall. He didn’t deserve to cry when he was the cause of all the pain Tommy was feeling.
“You deserve the world, Tubbo,” Tommy said. “And all the good things that come with it.”
“You think so highly of me,” Tubbo took a sip of his tea. “You shouldn’t.”
“I don’t think I do,” Tommy looked at Tubbo, Tubbo didn’t meet his gaze. “I think you’re too harsh on yourself, I think that you deserve better than war and having to run a country before your twenties. I think that you deserve a world that gives back as much as it takes from you.”
“You’re too kind for your own good,” Tubbo finally looked at Tommy, taking in the washed hair and the pressed clothes and the small bit of brightness that started to return to his eyes. “Someone could take advantage of that.”
“I think they already have,” Tommy didn’t remember exile that well, but he remembered the fear that overtook him whenever someone so as mentioned Dream.
“What happened in exile, Tommy?”
Tommy didn’t answer the question, he couldn’t, he didn’t know how. He changed the subject, with a question. He was scared of the answer, just like Tubbo was scared of visiting and for the same exact reason.
“How are you, Tubbo?”
“I’m better now that I know you’re alive,” he offered. He had finished his tea, he set the tea aside. It was quiet, just for a moment. “There’s so much I want to say to you and so many ways I can’t say it.”
“Try,” Tommy said. “I’ve always been able to read between the lines when it’s you. I’ve had a lot of practice.”
“I wish I could take it all back,” Tubbo started off simply, with something so evident, something that had been at the forefront of his mind since it happened. “I wish I had told Dream that he had no control over me, I wish you were still in L’Manburg. I wish so much.”
Tommy hadn’t finished his tea, it was getting cold, he didn’t care. He was focused on the things tumbling out of Tubbo’s mouth and the words he couldn’t say. It seemed like Tubbo was done, but he said one final thing, it was rushed, he clung to it like it was the only thing keeping him from drowning in despair. “I kept the compass.”
“I saw that,” Tommy said. “It’s how you found me.”
“I should’ve used it sooner.”
“Maybe, but there’s no use dwelling in the past.” There was use dwelling in the past, they both knew it, they both chose to ignore it too.
“Come back to L’manburg,” Tubbo said, Techno came back in as he did. He probably needed some supplies but it couldn’t have been at a worse time. “If Dream has a problem with it, he’ll have to go through me.”
Tommy felt stuck, stationary, unable to move. Tubbo looked so hopeful, but Techno had seemed so happy Tommy was there. Techno looked at the back of Tubbo’s head, all that he could see. He steeled himself and scoffed.
“L’manburg?” Techno laughed dryly. “That thing still exists?”
“Yes,” Tubbo turned around to meet the voice. A pointed glare was sent Techno’s way. “It is.”
“No offence, kid.”
“Not a kid,” Tommy whispered, Techno smiled.
“Dream would have your head if you showed up there. No amount of convincing would change that. Not even from the president.”
“How do you know?” Tubbo stood up from his seat, the chair skidded back from the sudden force.
“I know Dream,” Techno shot back. “I know more of what he did to Tommy than you do.”
It was a low blow, everyone in the room knew it. Techno didn’t take it back. Tubbo’s face softened into something pained, hurt, scared.
“I can make him change his mind,” Tubbo said. “I can get the rest of L’Manburg rallying behind me. Dream will be forced to let you come back.”
“You don’t have to go,” Techno told him. Tommy was looking between them helplessly.
“L’Manburg misses you, Tommy.” Tubbo tried. “They want you back.”
“You’ll never be truly safe there,” Techno said. “Going back is a death trap.”
“Techno’s only saying that because he hates L’Manburg!”
“Tubbo’s just trying to get you back, he’ll probably sell you out to Dream as soon as you step foot into that country!”
“Tommy, you know that’s not true!”
Tommy still hadn’t said a word, he only stared at them as they argued. His breaths became shallow, pace quickened. His pulse was loud in his ears, his heart was heavy in his chest. The voices starting to sound too much like ringing, too much like Dream. Too much like everything he hated, he had escaped. It was all too much.
“Shut up!” Tommy shouted. Tubbo and Techno stopped immediately, the room went silent. “Why is it that I always have to make a sacrifice to even get a chance at happiness? How is that fair for me? Why am I forced to choose? Maybe I should’ve fallen off that tower when I had the chance.”
Tubbo inhaled sharply, a horrified look on his face. “Tommy,” he whispered. “You don’t mean that. Please don’t mean that.”
“Don’t I?” Tommy asked. “At least then I wouldn’t have to decide, then I wouldn’t be traumatized by wars and isolation and Dream and everything in this godforsaken server!” Tommy was crying, his voice was angry, sad, desolate but most of all it was grieving; for everything he once had and for everything he never would.
“What’s the tower?” Techno asked, he dreaded the answer as soon as Tommy’s eyes found his.
“I tried to kill myself, Techno.” Tommy sniffled, his hands shook, he looked so distraught, so broken. “I couldn’t go to L’Manburg, I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t stay in Logstedshire.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Techno bit his tongue, whether Tommy realized it or not, he explained more than he said. L’manburg was still his home, no matter how much Techno wanted his home to be with him. In the arctic, away from everything. As much as Techno wanted to protect Tommy from the horrors of the world, he would never be home; it would always be L’Manburg.
“You don’t have to stay, Tommy,” Techno told him. “I know you miss L’Manburg, but you will always have a home here if you need it. I don’t care if we hate each other or want each other dead, if you come here I will protect you, no questions asked.”
“I would adore it if you came back to L’manburg, Tommy,” Tubbo paused, trying to find the right words. “But I think you’d be safer here. For a while at least. Techno can keep you safe.”
“You aren’t going to get lonely without me?” Tommy teased lightly, the pressure in his chest had lightened immensely, a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
“Oh, I’m going to get so lonely without you,” Tubbo chuckled. “Already have been.”
“I didn’t get lonely without you, at all. I am a Big Man, trademarked, that doesn’t get lonely,” Tommy replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I should probably get going,” Tubbo said reluctantly. “L’Manburg might start getting suspicious that I’m a spy for a rival country.”
Tommy laughed. He reached up to his neck and pulled out the chain that held his compass. “Well, you’ll always know where to find me.”
Tubbo smiled as he left, Techno watched as the teen retreated back into the snowy tundra. “Why do I already miss him?”
“I don’t know,” Techno said, he cleaned up the cups on the table that were forgotten. “Is it the good type of missing this time?”
“Yeah, I suppose it is.”