Chapter Text
“Spill the beans, Chongyun, you must know something…”
Anticipating the rest, Chongyun barely managed to contain the disgusted pout that came to his lips. Hu Tao had been bothering him for a while now, talking nonsense on and on and threatening to ruin the batch of his own famous calming popsicles he was diligently preparing. Was she ever going to leave him in peace?!
“Is our young master really sick, is it incurable?” she asked again. “Should I go to the Feiyun Guild and offer my services in advance?”
“... Now you’ve done it, Hu Tao,” he groaned. “You’re going too far, shoo!”
“Alright, alright! Since you’re so not bothered by this, you unworthy friend, I’ll go ask Xu-Ge directly then!”
As she left scattering pepper in her wake, Chongyun got puzzled by the sudden thumbs up Hu Tao gave to Xiangling while crossing paths with her at the Wanmin restaurant’s entrance. The gesture, though, seemed to dispel all the worries the young chef’s face sported every time she’d met Chongyun in the past few days. Really, Chongyun couldn’t understand anything at all about those two...
Whatever, good riddance, he decided. Finally free from her nuisance, Chongyun was breathing again. He had to admit, the subtle glee in her eye and her cheerful tone all the while talking about a sensitive subject almost made him see red… Fortunately, when it came to Xingqiu, Chongyun knew best. Still, even though she was only speculating, her ominous words left a deep and uncomfortable imprint in his mind.
No, Xingqiu wasn’t on his deathbed. If the young master wasn’t around these days, it was probably because of the awkward situation they were in since… Since. If not for that, then he must’ve been punished upon their return and was actually serving his sentence, just like Chongyun had foretold…
What else? It couldn’t really be because Xingqiu had gotten sick from their excursion on that damned island… Right?
“It’s okay, I’ll take it from here,” whispered Xiangling while taking over his cooking. “You don’t have to worry. You can go.”
Chongyun raised an eyebrow at her friend’s small, hopeful smile, not understanding the insinuation. He sighed. To be honest, he was very grateful for the sudden help. There was indeed somewhere he’d rather be right now… If only to reassure himself.
At first, Chongyun didn’t want to see him at all; if Xingqiu got punished, well, it served him right. But, what if the situation was more serious? Could Chongyun really leave it at that and still keep a clear conscience? Not that he had one to begin with, after their last exchanges… But he needed to alleviate the heavy feeling weighing down on him.
Chongyun set off for the merchant guild quarters, rehearsing over and over the string of apologies he hoped to give to the actual guild administrator, Xingqiu’s brother. If not for lifting his friend’s punishment, at least he’d know for sure what happened to him.
As soon as he arrived at the estate’s doors, the maids’ happy-go-lucky attitude cleared away his worst fears almost instantly. But before he could turn around and head back home, two of them got their claws on him, leading him upstairs despite his protests. They weren’t listening nor slowing down, so much so that it wasn’t really hard for Chongyun to guess which master those two were serving in this house.
“Our young master hasn’t left his chambers even since he came back the day before yesterday,” they said. “We know it’s not unusual for him to seek solitude, but this time, it’s different… Surely a visit from his best friend will help clear his head.”
There was a hint of relief inside the maids’ eyes, but Chongyun couldn’t tell why. Instead, a wave of uneasiness took over his own stomach.
“But… he isn’t sick, is he?” he wanted to clarify.
“Sick?” answered the younger one pensively, a finger resting on her chin. “Could he be? Say, what made you think of--”
Her elder cut her off with a nudge and gave her a knowing look.
“He is! He’s suffering from a great, great ailing,” she said, and Chongyun’s heart sank deep. He had a bad, bad, bad feeling…
“What is it, what’s he suffering from?” he asked, but the maids had already taken off briskly. “I think it’s called a heartache ”, he heard at last, just before they disappeared for good, leaving him alone in the long corridor leading to his friend’s apartments.
In front of the sliding door at the entrance of Xingqiu’s territory, Chongyun was marking time. He had half a mind to pierce a hole in the rice paper with his finger and take a peek inside. He wasn’t sure what to expect, and his nervousness was getting to his head: he was sweaty all over. Chongyun took a deep, lengthy inspiration to cool himself off, and made himself remember- as a warning -the incident that led to their fallout. It should absolutely not happen again.
He slid the door open.
Inside came to view the usual mess; shelves half-emptied of their content, books scattered on the floor, piles of novels spilling from under the bed, and Xingqiu himself sprawled right in the middle of all this picturesque chaos. Nothing abnormal here, though, at the moment, none of Xingqiu’s beloved books adorned his hands. Moreover, the young master was wearing a simple attire; an ordinary white shirt devoid of frills, a plain short, and he sported none of his family heirlooms and jewels… Except for the tassel Chongyun had gifted him a while ago.
Hair mussled, Xingqiu was clutching the latter for dear life against his chest, and, upon seeing his guest’s arrival, the boy curled up on his bed like a cornered animal.
Chongyun stiffened. Xingqiu, he… Without his princely appearance, his haughty manners, Xingqiu seemed so fragile to him… Had he lost weight, didn’t he look paler than before? In so little time, was it even possible…?
Barbed wire encircled the heart of the young exorcist.
*
As cold as ice. Chongyun’s gaze fixated on Xingqiu really felt like a direct contact with ice; so cold that it burned, so piercing he couldn’t escape it.
“C-chongyun…”
“Are you sick,” stated the exorcist more than he asked.
Xingqiu took the blow with a slight flinch and hung his head low, looking miserable. So, Chongyun finally came to confront him face to face. Although used to his friend’s aloofness, Xingqiu never had to personally endure this kind of temper from him.
“I… I know, I messed up. If I could go back in time…”
Chongyun looked shaken for a moment. It seemed to Xingqiu that the young man didn’t know what to do with himself. If anything, he might have been pondering on the nature of the punishment Xingqiu deserved to receive. Whatever, Xingqiu was ready to admit his faults. He would bear anything. Anything that wasn’t the silent treatment he’s been given since their return from the island.
Xingqiu recoiled when Chongyun came to sit on the bed beside him, but the latter only reached for his forehead, and lightly touched it with the back of his own hand. It was fresh to the touch. It helped with the hotness of his embarrassment.
“Aren’t you ill?”
“I’m okay,” answered Xingqiu, a bit puzzled.
“Then, why do you stay confined in your room all day long?”
“What do you mean…? Should I act as if nothing happened? I-I thought you remembered everything?!” Xingqiu wrinkled his nose. He suddenly felt wronged again. “I didn’t go out, and neither did you come to find me for our usual strolls,” he continued. “You didn’t seek me at all. You didn’t want to, right? Why pretend all of a sudden?”
Mouth tight, Chongyun kept silent and shuffled away from Xingqiu, giving him confirmation for his doubts. Chongyun didn’t come here to resume their friendship, no. Chongyun was here to dot the i's and cross the t's, and Xingqiu hated false hopes. So please, let’s get it over with!
“Then why…” asked Chongyun. “Why did you do-- what you did in the first place?”
“‘Cause I wanted to,” uttered Xingqiu tit for tat, not daring to look him in the eye.
Chongyun’s fingers shuddered and closed around his tunic’s fabric; Xingqiu could almost see the knot growing in his throat.
“Why on earth would you… want that.”
With creased eyebrows, Xingqiu paused for a long time. His heart was breaking from seeing Chongyun this conflicted after his confession. Maybe he was wrong assuming Chongyun’s Yang outbreaks allowed the young exorcist to reveal his deepest thoughts and desires, which he would never tell otherwise. Maybe Chongyun truly didn’t control anything in this state… Xingqiu had made a terrible mistake. Chongyun didn’t love him, didn’t want anything else to happen between them, and now things would never be quite the same again.
Xingqiu was about to release the breath he’d been holding until then. Better sever the cord completely and leave nothing unsaid. Confess the whole truth…
Because I’m burning for you.
Time went by, and Xingqiu still said nothing-- he couldn’t. He couldn't bring himself to break things up with his best friend, even though his heart craved for more. Less was always better than nothing.
So, instead of confessing, Xingqiu started to bargain.
*
“Chongyun, we’ve been through thick and thin, you and I, right? We’ve survived everything, life and death situations, even. Are we really gonna let a stupid kiss end our friendship…?”
There, Xingqiu finally came to the point; the very heart of their relationship crisis. But instead of addressing it properly- a talk Chongyun had hoped for as much as he had dreaded -, Xingqiu made a total u-turn, causing him to suddenly heat up.
This shameless brat, Chongyun thought.
“A stupid kiss, you say?” he added out loud. “Let me sum it up for you, Xingqiu. The other day, you… One, you knowingly and deliberately provoked me, and I hated it-- not talking about the kiss. You let me put you in danger in spite of myself. What if I had gone further than that, way too far, and hurt you?!”
The young man paused for a second to allow his words to permeate Xingqiu's mind.
“Two, you used me to get what you wanted with no consideration whatsoever for me. What did you need to prove? Couldn’t we speak about it, like we do normally--”
“I-i’m so sorry Chongyun, so sorry-- please don’t break our relationship--”
Interrupted by Xingqiu and getting increasingly agitated, Chongyun made a sour face, stopping the young master in his tracks. Xingqiu held his tongue, his tassel crushed between his palms as he joined them in a prayer, eyes wet.
“... Three,” Chongyun pursued, “I thought I was transparent enough that we wouldn’t need to resort to stratagems between us. You spend all your time reading books, yet you can’t read between my lines? You really have no idea…”
“I don’t understand,” Xingqiu whimpered.
Chongyun heaved a sigh. Somehow, he felt much calmer now that he was about to let it all go. But I want you to confess first.
“Xingqiu, I wanna hear it from you. You took advantage of my condition to achieve your own ends; do you admit it?”
“I did…”
“You played with my feelings.”
Painfully, Xingqiu nodded.
“And you did all that because you lack the courage to ask me if I share yours? You’re such a coward, Xingqiu.”
“I-I am…”
Xingqiu hid his face in his sleeve to cry, and it took everything from Chongyun not to cave and comfort him.
*
Xingqiu just wanted to disappear into a hole, but Chongyun wouldn't let him. Once again he was by his side, prying open his fingers so he could free the bullied tassel in his hands, forcing him to lower his arms so he could stare him in the eye.
It’s bad enough that we’re reaching the end of our journey together, please don’t make it worse...
“Xingqiu, I’m also a coward…” Chongyun whispered. “I’ll come clear too. Truth is, if I didn’t mess things up by sending this damn letter to the wrong person, I... could’ve let you know of my feelings way earlier than this. After my failure, I was too afraid to try again. I thought it wouldn’t be mutual. But you proved me wrong.”
Xingqiu was only half-listening. The boy’s been absorbing reproach after reproach like a sponge, and could no longer hold back the resigned tears that bathed his face. He felt stifled, ill at ease, and still Chongyun refused to let go of him so he could curl up and hide between the sheets… But those last words struck him like a bucket of ice thrown in his face, fully waking him up. What did he just confess?!
“W… wait,” he managed to say, “does it mean that… you share my feelings?”
“What feelings are you talking about?” Chongyun urged him. “Stop beating around the bush, speak up!”
Xingqiu swallowed slowly.
“I mean that I’m in love with you,” he finally admitted.
His heart missed a beat in expectation. There was a long pause from Chongyun, and Xingqiu’s stare sank automatically to the floor.
Oh, no, no …
Tears were swelling up again at the corner of Xingqiu’s eyes. Once again, he got his hopes up for nothing--
There was suddenly a pair of hands around his face; a pair of lips resting against his. Xingqiu froze, then melted and sank into that unexpected embrace. Chongyun’s ivory skin felt like it was on fire, but somehow Xingqiu knew that it wasn’t his Yang energy acting up in his place. No, Chongyun was fully in control, his body and mind finally in sync, and honest. This kiss was intentional. Extraordinary.
When they ran out of air, the two boys reluctantly parted. Each looked worriedly in the eye of the other for any trace of doubt left behind, but all scruples were definitely gone on both sides.
Just like that, Xingqiu’s sorrow was forgotten, and his mischievous attitude came back right away. He shifted his weight and pushed Chongyun onto the bed. Under him.
“I’ll say it again, then…”
“It’s not necessary,” the exorcist said, suddenly looking very vulnerable.
“I love you, my dearest Chongyun.”
“I know.”
“I said it, but you didn’t.”
“I… I love you too.”
“I love you, and you love me back!”
Xingqiu sneaked into his friend's neck, leaving a trail of daring kisses along his jawline.
“Xingqiu, you-- Stop it!!”
*
Chongyun was gripping Xingqiu’s wrists all the while expelling all the air from his lungs to will his Yang away. Despite his significant strength, he struggled to hold his friend in place.
Xingqiu giggled back at him. He was back to his insufferable self, as if he didn’t learn anything from those tribulations. But to Chongyun, this laugh sounded like a beautiful melody. There was no point in staying mad at Xingqiu anyway. Chongyun was already well accustomed to his antics, and secretly relished being at the center of his attention. After all, Xingqiu only bullied him to make sure he stayed his number one...
The exorcist gently smiled and gave up the fight, letting the young master crash against his chest.