Chapter Text
"Sasuke!"
Body flicker.
"Sasuke, want to try these cookies I bak—"
Substitution.
"I want your babies!"
Amenoteji-fucking-kara.
It had only been a week since he returned to the village from the war, and as he looked over Konoha from atop the Hokage Monument, Sasuke dearly wished he was still a rogue nin.
It was like the women of the leaf lacked any self respect - he was a damn criminal as far as they were concerned, yet they still insisted on trying to get into his pants. If this was Iwa, the women wouldn't have given him the time of day, and the girls in Kumo would've sooner killed themselves than debasing themselves to the extent that the Konoha women were.
Hell, he didn't even know why he was sticking around - he had an eye that let him fucking teleport, and with Obito dead there wasn't anyone who could feasibly find him.
He could run off to a small town, lay low and enjoy the rest of his days in complete solitude, and far away from any pesky fan girls.
"Hey asshole!" Sasuke felt a clap on his back, and looked to the side to see Naruto. "Still hiding from your harem?"
Ah right - Naruto still existed.
Truth be told, as much as he insisted on the boy being an eyesore, he was undoubtedly the only reason he stuck around this shithole. Kakashi was pretty chill, and Sakura was decent enough when she didn't try deceiving him into dates, but Naruto was the only one who truly understood him.
"No, I'm standing up here to appreciate the wonderful view." Sasuke rolled his eyes, before taking a seat on the ground. "If I knew returning would be this bad I might've actually been onboard for that 'Infinite Tsukuyomi' bullshit."
"C'mon, it's not that bad here." Naruto took a seat beside him. "Ever since Pain levelled the place there's been some amazing restaurants."
"Pretty hard to enjoy them when I've got to deal with waitresses drooling in my bowls."
The blond hummed in response. "Yeah, you're sorta right." Naruto laid back on the ground. "I might not have it as bad as you, but it's damn near impossible to get a second of peace with this hero thing I've got going on." He chuckled lightly. "But I don't think I'd trade it for the world - it's like I'm meeting new people every day."
"Not all of us are social butterflies." Sasuke mirrored his actions and laid down. "Plus, your fans are actually sane. It's like these women lose all their rationality the second I'm within 10 feet of them."
"Have you tried using your summons?"
Sasuke blinked and turned to his friend. "You want my summons to…eat the fangirls?"
Naruto spluttered in shock. "Wha—no!" He denied. "I meant for the food! Just summon a small snake to grab your food for you."
Sasuke groaned. "The food isn't the issue, idiot - it's the fact that I can't do shit without having those psychos breathing down my neck—"
He was interrupted by the sound of his stomach growling.
"You sure the food isn't the issue?" Naruto smirked.
Smug bastard - Sasuke couldn't wait to put his Rinnegan to good use by switching his ramen with worms at the last possible second.
Although, truth be told, Naruto's plan with the summons wasn't half bad. It'd certainly save him the hassle, and it'd been a while since he actually enlisted their aid outside of Aoda during the war.
After completing a quick series of one handed seals, Sasuke slammed his hand on the ground, revealing a 12 inch snake by the time the smoke cleared.
"You - snake - scour the village and grab me some Tomato Ohitashi." Sasuke ordered.
The snake, however, seemed to have a problem with the command. "This is the first time you summoned my ass, and this is what it's for?" The snake stood ramrod on it's tail, looming over the slumped Sasuke. "Do you even know my name?"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Hebi?"
The snake didn't even dignify its master with a response and simply disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving a thoroughly stunned Sasuke behind.
"First time?" Naruto sniggered. "The little ones are always a pain in the ass."
Sasuke sighed. "I fucking hate snakes…" He muttered, but before he could further immerse himself into his brooding he saw Naruto quickly sit up, with orange pigmentation around his eyes.
"Shit!" He cursed. "Hinata's on my tail again."
"First time?" Sasuke chuckled before sitting up. "I don't get why you don't just turn her down - lord knows if I only had one fan girl I would've shut that shit down asap."
Naruto got up completely and stretched out his legs. "I just can't - it'd be like kicking a puppy."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you beat the shit out of Akamaru during the Chunin exams?"
"The same Chunin exams where you nearly got your ass beat by some fodder chakra absorber?"
He wisely chose to keep his mouth shut.
"Yep - that's what I thought." Naruto flared up his Six Paths Sage Mode.
"Talk about overkill…" Sasuke mumbled.
"If she asks—" Naruto began.
"—tell her you went to train at Mt Myoboku." Sasuke finished his sentence and sent him a half-hearted wave. "See you around."
Naruto disappeared in a yellow flash, and Sasuke didn't bother activating his Sharingan to track him.
Not even 10 seconds later, he sensed Hinata's chakra as she arrived via body flicker.
"O-oh my, what are the chances—" Hinata looked down at Sasuke. "Oh, it's just you." She scowled.
"It's nice to see you too, Hinata." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Life's been great - cooking with 1 hand's a bitch, but it's nothing a little hard work can't fix."
"Where's Naruto this time?" Hinata dropped down beside him and propped her chin up on her palm. "Saving kids from a burning orphanage, or an emergency summons from the Raikage?"
"Training at Mt Myoboku." Sasuke corrected. "You know, a blind man could see he's not interested in you."
"It's nothing a little hard work can't fix."
"There's a stark difference between hard work and miracles." Sasuke laid back down and rested his head on his arm. "But it ain't my business - if you wanna keep wasting your days fawning over the idiot then you can be my guest."
"I might have a little more success if you weren't stuck onto him like a damn parasite." Hinata huffed out.
"I still don't get what your problem with me is." Sasuke mused. "With everyone else, you're the sweet girl next door, but with me you're acting as if I killed your cat. It's almost like you're the only girl in this village that isn't fixated on me."
Hinata snorted. "Quit flattering yourself - in order to hate you, I'd need to care about you in the first place." She got to her feet and began dusting off her knees.
"Try Sakura's." Sasuke offered as she prepared to leave. "Naruto's probably over there trying to sweep her off her feet, and likely failing."
Hinata simply hummed in affirmation before departing.
Ungrateful witch - the least she could've done was offer him some thanks.
Well, Sasuke supposed he might as well head off.
He briefly considered bothering Kakashi in the Hokage office, but the sly bastard would undoubtedly find a way to pawn off his paper work onto him if he annoyed him too much.
In that case, home it is.
He was pretty hungry, and as long as Naruto didn't raid his cupboards, he could satisfy his hunger with a plain old cup ramen.
Naruto, as it turned out, was quite possibly the worst person to be friends with.
Not only did the prick raid his cupboards - he also scarfed down the leftover lasagna that Sakura made for him, and since it was the middle of the evening, he couldn't visit the shops for proper food without being constantly harassed by civilians.
With every passing minute, going rogue nin was becoming a more appetising option.
Swinging open the fridge, Sasuke took the one delicacy that Naruto would forever leave untouched: his tomatoes.
The idiot was far too unhealthy to give a damn about the fruit, which meant he could always rely on them to satiate his hunger.
Just as he took a tomato out of the fridge, he heard the door to his house swing open and instantly activated his Susanoo in self defence.
Which, due to the close proximity, had the unfortunate effect of destroying his fridge's door.
God fucking dammit.
Looking to the side, his mood was further spoiled by the fact that the intruder in question was Hinata Hyuga.
"I'm this close to sacrificing you to my snakes." He seethed before deactivating his Susanoo and taking a chunk out of his tomato.
To his growing annoyance, Hinata simply shrugged. "What kind of shinobi doesn't sense their surroundings? And leaves their door unlocked?"
"The kind of shinobi who's so powerful that he doesn't need to worry about idiots breaking in." He explained. "Did you come here just to harass me, or do you actually need something?"
"Ah - right." Hinata crossed her arms over her chest, which Sasuke presumed was meant to look intimidating. "Be my boyfriend."
Sasuke did his best not to choke on the chunk of tomato lodged in his throat, and thankfully succeeded. "Oh for fucks sake, not you too—"
"Don't be an idiot." She strolled over to his kitchen and sat upon the counter. "I don't actually like you - I just need to make Naruto jealous."
Sasuke paused in his snacking to try and make sense of the woman's words.
"So you think that by dating me, you'll make Naruto jealous?"
She nodded.
"Despite the fact that Naruto, to this day, hasn't shown an ounce of romantic interest in you?"
She nodded again, eliciting a sigh from Sasuke.
"I seriously don't get it - are you delusional, or just plain stupid?"
"Neither." Hinata responded, with a smug grin on her face. "You wanna know why I don't like you?"
"Not particularly, but I guess I'm about to find out."
"It's because Naruto's obsessed with you." She explained. "For months, despite my best efforts at wooing him, it's been 'bring Sasuke back' this, and 'my best friend' that, and the second you return he's glued to your hip - do you even know how frustrating that is?"
Sasuke took a moment to consider. "I guess..?" He shrugged. "I mean, I've certainly killed for less."
"Precisely - and since I can't kill you to separate you from him—"
Sasuke's eyes widened. "You planned to kill me?"
"—the next best thing is stealing you from him, which will make him reevaluate his other relationships and realise he's been ignoring the person perfect for him all this time."
Sasuke was honestly 3 more sentences away from collapsing into a fit of laughter.
He spent 3 years apprenticed under Orochimaru, and despite all of the man's ridiculous ideas, Hinata's plan was easily the most outrageous he'd ever heard.
He could write an essay on why it didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at working out, but he was almost tempted to simply stick along for the ride. He'd been seriously lacking in the entertainment department recently, and if anything Hinata's plan would brighten up his dreary life.
Sasuke did his best to school his features into a tight frown. "And, supposing I do cooperate, what's in it for me?"
"All the Kunoichi I've got missions with have been gushing over you lately, so I'm assuming you've got a bit of a fangirl problem right now?" Upon receiving Sasuke's nod of affirmation, Hinata continued. "If you were - well, let's say spoken for, I doubt they'd want to mess with the partner of the Hyuga Princess."
…Holy shit.
Free entertainment and he'd have those wenches off his back? At this point Hinata could ask him to dropkick a baby in accordance with her plan and he'd comply without a second of hesitation.
"So, do we have a deal?" She held a hand out.
"Whatever you say." Sasuke smirked as he grasped her hand. "Babe."
Sasuke saw her expression warp into poorly hidden disgust as she tightened her grip.
Oh yeah - this shit was going to be fun.