Chapter Text
It had been 5 days since Carina’s attack and she was still struggling. She didn’t want to be home alone and couldn’t even begin to think about going back to work yet, she just didn’t feel ready.
Maya felt helpless, she didn’t know what she was supposed to do to help Carina feel better. The only time she had seen Carina anywhere near this was when Andrew had died. But this was different. When Andrew died, Carina didn’t want to be comforted. Hell she didn’t even want to be comfortable laying on the kitchen floor. But now Carina didn’t even want Maya to be in a different room.
“What do you have to do today?” Carina asked, cuddled up against Maya in bed, her hand on Maya, needing to know she was there.
“Nothing. I took some days off.” Maya said. She’d attempted to go back to work but that didn’t really work out so well when Carina came to the station because she didn’t want to be alone.
“So we can stay here all day? We don’t have to go anywhere?”
“If that’s what you want.” Maya said looking down at Carina. She’s just been browsing on her phone in the silence of the room.
“Mhm.” /she clung on tighter to Maya.
“Okay. Whatever you want.” Maya promised kissing the top of Carina’s head.
“Kay good.” Carina took in Maya’s familiar scent, finding comfort in her wife.
“You sure you don’t want to get up for a bit?” Maya asked after a few minutes of silence.
“Get up and go to the couch?” She wasn’t sure she even wanted to do that, but she would try.
“Or leave the apartment?” Maya hadn’t been cooped up in her apartment like this in a long time.
Carina tensed at the suggestion, she really didn’t want to do that. “Yo...you can do that..”
“It was just an idea. We don’t have to.” Maya said noting Carina tensing.
“Okay..” she seemed to relax a little again, although was still anxious.
“Do you think maybe you might want to talk to Diane again?” Maya asked. Carina was the most fearless person she knew. And as a firefighter that was saying something. So to see her like this was scary.
“I don’t think that would help.”
She didn’t feel like anything helped anymore.
“What can I do?” Maya asked her arms instinctively tightening around Carina.
“Don’t leave.” She whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Maya promised.
“I don’t know what to do to feel better.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to know. You just let me know what you want from me okay? Doesn’t matter what it is.”
“I wish I had the answer.”
“What makes you feel safe right now?”
“Staying here and knowing our front door is locked.”
“And that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”
“You make me feel safe.” She confirmed.
“I’m glad baby. I wish you didn’t feel this way.” Maya would kill the man if she ever saw him. She hated that anyone has made Carina feel like this.
“Me too...it’s a horrible feeling.”
“I wish I could protect you from the world. So I’m gonna try and do that okay?”
“Yes please.” She nodded feebly.
“Try and rest now okay? I’ll be right here.” Maya said settling into the mattress.
“Okay.” She snuggled as close to Maya as possible, almost laying on top of her.
———
Carina wasn’t sure how long she’d slept for, but all she knew when she woke up was that Maya was gone. “Maya? Maya?” She got out do the bed, panicking when she wasn’t in the bedroom or bathroom. Had Maya gone out and left her? Was Maya safe? She could feel her chest getting tighter and tighter.
“Hey, I’m here.” Maya said appearing in the door to the bedroom.
“Oh thank god. I thought you had gone.”
“I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.” Maya said her heart rate slowing. She hadn’t felt panic like that in a long time.
“I panicked when I couldn’t see you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You never need to apologize.”
“Thank you Maya” she gave her a sad smile.
“You don’t have to thank me. Are you hungry? I figured if we’re both up, food might be good?”
“Not really, but I could try. I’ll have whatever you make me.”
“How about something easy like a sandwich?”
“Sounds good, thank you.” Carina sat herself on a kitchen stool to be close to Maya.
————
“Have you heard from her at all?” Amelia asked as she and Teddy stood in front of the front door. Their visit had been carefully arranged so that Carina knew when they would be coming and text when they arrived instead of knocking.
“Not a word. Complete ghosted.” Teddy said anxious to see how their friend was doing. The front door opened and Maya appeared looking relieved to see them.
“Hey. Come on in.” Maya said waiting for the two women to come in before she closed and locked the door.
“How is she doing?” Teddy asked anxiously. “What can we do?”
“She’s not doing so good.” Maya said. “She’s kind of shut down.”
“That doesn’t sound good at all. Where is she now?”
“On the couch. Bed or couch. That’s where she goes. We haven’t left the apartment since it happened.”
“Can we go talk to her?”
“Yeah, come on in. Do you guys want anything to eat or drink?” Maya asked having had their groceries delivered.
“I’m good, but thank you.” Teddy smiles, desperate to go and see her friend.
“Yeah I’m good too.” Amelia agreed heading towards the living room.
“You came, hi” Carina offered her friends a small smile.
“Hey sweetie how are you?” Teddy asked sitting across from Carina on the coffee table.
“Hi. I’m fine I guess. Not too bad.” She sighed. “How are you?”
“Worried about you. You haven’t been returning our calls.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been busy”
“I don’t know what to do.” Maya said in a low whisper to Amelia.
“What have you already tried? Maybe we can suggest something to help further.”
“I tried suggesting therapy again. She doesn’t think it’ll help. She says that all she wants is me and to never leave the apartment.”
“Maybe something s little more to the point might help.”
“Like what?”
“Telling her she cant carry on like this forever.”
“Can’t she? I can protect her here.”
“Neither of your can stay here forever.” Amelia pointed out. “This isn’t living.”
“I know.” Maya said sadly. Maybe she had helped make the problem worse.
“Let Teddy talk to her, she a great at stuff like this.”
“I hope so.” Maya said looking into the living room.
“Trust me, Teddy will help.”
“Carina, you need to process this. You need to leave the apartment otherwise you’ll never heal.” Teddy said reaching cross the couch to Carina.
“Who says I'm not processing it?” She snapped.
“The fact that you haven’t left this apartment since it happened. You won’t leave the bed or the couch. Or you won’t let anyone but Maya touch you.” Teddy had noticed that Carina flinched away from her when she tried to reach out.
“And what am I supposed to do? Pretend everything is all sunshine and rainbows?”
“Of course not. But you talk to someone, you start processing so you don’t live your life in fear.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not. It’s hard as Hell. But you have a huge support system to help you through it. Starting with Maya. You know she would stay with you in this apartment forever if you asked her too.”
“I wish we could. We’re safe here..” she whispered, her eyes downcast.
“And there are ways we can make you feel safe out there. I brought some of them for you.” Teddy pulled her bag over and opened it. “Mace, a pocket knife, a whistle, and a taser.”
“Thank you.” Carina nodded quietly.
“I’ll teach you how to use the taser. It’s pretty simple but I want you to be safe about it. You can carry any and all of these with you. Sweetie I wish I didn’t have to give you these.”
“Thank you for caring.” Carina mumbles quietly, she felt like such a shell of herself and she hated it.
“It’s hard but you’ll get through this. You’re one of the strongest people I know.” Teddy said.
“That’s very kind of you to say. I don’t feel it. I get to scared if Maya isn’t visible, I feel like I can’t cope without her.”
“She’s right there in the kitchen. It’s okay to need your person.”
“But I can’t spend every second with her.” Rationally she knew that.
“That’s true. But when you’re not with her you’re usually at the hospital with Amelia and I. And a staff of nurses who are going to protect you like lionesses protect their cubs.”
“I just..I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to do my job right now.”
“Auto pilot for a while. You know how to do your job.”
“I’m scared to go back to the hospital, even with all the strings Bailey has done to help me feel safe.”
“Then take a leave. Bailey won’t fight you on it. Take a while until you feel ready to come back.”
“Take leave and do what? Just stay here all day?” She knew deep down that this wasn’t helping her mental health either.
“What would you like to do?” Teddy asked softly.
“Have all this go away. Feel normal again.”
“We wish we could. But we can’t.”
“Exactly. So I’m stuck m like this.”
“You’re only stuck if you want to be. There are people and resources who can help. And frankly, if you don’t utilize them…then you’re letting him win.”
“Who? Which people have the time to want to help me with all this crap.”
“Your wife for one. Me and Amelia. Bailey. Dr. Lewis if you prefer or the hospital psychiatrist.” Teddy listed.
Carina nodded, taking in a Teddy’s words. “Yeah.”
“Let us help you.”
“Okay.” She whispered, tears stinging her eyes.
“Can I hug you?”
“Yes please.” She could really do with a hug right now.
Teddy wrapped her arms tight around Carina. Pulling her in. “It’s going to be okay.”
Carina wasn’t expecting the huge wave of emotion of roll through her, sobbing into Teddy’s shoulder. Maya heard her wife sob and she wanted to go to her but she felt a hand stop her.
“She needs this with Teddy right now.” Amelia said.
“Do you really think it’s going to help?” Maya whispered.
“I think anything will help right now.” Amelia answered.
“Hope so.” Maya needed something to help.
“I feel so stuck Teddy” Carina told her when she’s calmed down.
“I know. But you’re not.”
“I don’t know how to move past this.”
“Let us help. Talk about it, try and venture outside. We’ll be with you every step.”
“I can’t do it alone.”
“Good thing you don’t have to.”
“Thank you.”
“But you have to let us.”
“I will...you’re here right now..and I’m talking right?”
“Yes. But what would happen if Maya left the apartment right now?”
Carina felt her chest tighten at the mere thought. “How can I make sure she’s okay if she goes out?”
“Is that what you’re worried about? Her being okay? Or you?”
“Both of us. I need her to be okay”.
“She’s fine. She’ll be fine. And so will you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know it.” Maya said walking up to them.
“You don’t know though. How do I know you’re not going to cross the street and get hit by a truck? Or choke on some food, or die in a fire?” She rushed out, all she fears tumbling out.
“That could happen to anyone. Staying in this apartment won’t change that.”
“It could, but it makes it less likely. You’re much safer here with me, if I can see you, I know you’re okay.”
“We could FaceTime every day.”
“Yeah, cos they’re really helpful when you’re lying under a truck.”
“Why do you think I’m going to get hit by a truck?” Maya asked.
“It’s just an example Maya. But something could happen to you. You could get attacked by a crow.”
“God I hope I’m tougher than a crow.”
“They have a large wing span. They’re dangerous.” She has been reading up on all the dangers of leaving the house in the past few days.
“Okay no more Google for you.” Maya said with a soft smile.
“What? Why? Did you know I found out 337 preventable accidents happened in a domestic bathroom?”
“I’m a firefighter. I know all of them and our apartment is the safest place in the world.”
“Exactly. Safe you for and me.”
“Carina, you know the world is crazy. You said it when you proposed. But we were gonna live in it together. This isn’t living.”
“I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Talk to Diane. She can help.”
“It could be weeks before she can see me.”
“I called in a few favors. She can see you tomorrow.” Maya said.
“When did you do that?”
“When you were sleeping.”
“Okay, thank you. Is she coming here or do I need to go there?” The thought of that worried her.
“She’ll come here. Like she did the first time.”
“Okay, that sounds better, thank you.”
“Anytime.”
———
“Carina, it’s nice to see you again” Diane told her, sitting down on the couch opposite her.
“Is it?” Carina asked bitterly.
“I’m sorry it’s not under happier circumstances. How are you doing?”
“Not great. Obviously.”
“I’m here to help.”
“I feel stuck. I can’t stop being afraid.”
“What do you think might help you to move past that?”
“I don’t know. I wish I could be less afraid. But it’s not even for me. I told Maya I was afraid that a bird was going to kill her.”
“Do you think these are rational fears?”
“No. I know they aren’t.”
“What do you think would help you to worry less about these things?”
“I used to be so confident. And then this happened and now I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.”
“Have you considered that part of the reason you might be feeling this way is because you haven’t allowed yourself to process what’s happened?”
“I process it every night.”
“No..you re-live it every night. That’s not the same.”
“How do I process it then?”
“Tell me what processing currently looks like for you.”
“Cuddling Maya.”
“While I’m sure that brings you great comfort, that doesn’t help you process what happened.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“You need to talk about what happened, look at what fears you’re holding onto and then work through them do you can start to get your confidence back.”
“He took choice away from me. He made me feel powerless. Like I had no control.”
“And those feelings are very painful and powerful.”
“They are.”
“They take time to deal with.”
“I can’t keep Maya and I locked in this apartment while I figure them out.”
“No you can’t. You both need to be able to get out and keep living.”
“I don’t want her to. I feel safer when she’s here.”
“Being cooped up in here all the time isn’t living.”
“I know. It’s not healthy.” Carina confessed.
“So what we want to do is get you to a place where you feel able to cope in a healthier way.”
“Okay. How?”
“How is up to you. There are different things you can do, this isn’t a one size fits all.”
“What can we try? I have to go back to work.”
“So lets focus on getting you back to work.”
“Okay.”
“What’s going to help you feel safe at work?”
“I know that Bailey fired him. They increased security. I won’t be alone in any of the lounges. Logically I know I am safe.”
“But illogically? Tell me what you’re worried about.” She knew voicing it out loud would help.
“That I’m going to be in one of the lounges or in the OR and I’ll feel him.”
“But you know that that won’t happen right?” Diane asked calmly.
“How do you know that’s not going to happen?”
“Because you’ll never be in a lounge alone. There are more security measures.”
“We both now that’s not going to be possible all of the time.”
“No, but most of the time it will be. And over time you’ll feel more comfortable.”
“I hope so, I want to move in from this.”
“And in time you will. You just have to let yourself process.”
“I’ll do that.” She confirmed with a nod. “Thank you Diane.”
“Call me anytime.”
“Will do, thank you.”
“I’ll leave you, do you want me to send Maya in?” Diane asked standing.
“Yes please.”
“Carina?” Maya asked coming into the room.
“Has Diane gone?”
“Yeah she left. How are you?”
“Feeling a little better I think.”
“I’ll glad.” Maya said sitting on the bed next to Carina. Fighting the urge to wrap her arms around Carina and holding her tight.
“Can I have a hug?”
“Of course.” Maya said wrapping her arms around Carina.
“Thank you.”
“it’s all going to be okay.”
”promise?” she asked quietly, her lip wobbling.
”I promise. There’s no one and no place I’d rather be..” she kissed her forehead tenderly as she held her. “I’ll love you forever and always.”
”likewise.” Carina knew that in that moment, Maya was all she needed.