Chapter Text
they returned to a silence, thom redirecting his attention to the view outside, while jonny revisited the attenborough program. this time it was something about some kind of tropical eagle - with claws big enough to allow them to hunt monkeys and sloths. how grotesque … jonny didn’t mind, though, he had always found the natural world interesting, including the less... savoury aspects. the diversity of life and how everything seemed to perfectly fit together and work in tandem with one another, like a well oiled machine, was quite fascinating. the way that some people seemed to prefer discarding it in favour of the supernatural or conspiratorial - when the more grounded, scientifically-based explanations behind phenomena could be just as mesmerizing - often left him stumped. for example, the fact that human empathy is so engraved into our psychology - to the point where we will see faces where they should not be, interested jonny much more so than invoking the supernatural to explain an odd-looking tree stump, or an extraordinarily animalistic looking cloud.
perhaps, jonny wondered, the fact that empathy is so important to the human psyche could explain why the atmosphere in his little suite was much more pleasant now, than just a few moments before.
jonny eventually started paying attention to something he found quite interesting in his relationships with other people - when you find yourself particularly amicable towards a certain person, spending time in silence with them, which would normally feel uncomfortable and stuffy with others, feels completely right. where you'd normally feel pressure to pipe up and say something, for some reason, it's as if there's nothing that needs to be said, rather, whether or not a word is spoken is completely optional, not necessary for the social contract to be upheld. perhaps that had been why, despite it all, thom had sought him out? at the same time, that felt like a flawed conclusion to come to, because normally that wasn’t how thom seemed to work.
seemed .
those odd notes, he knew they belonged there, but jonny just couldn’t figure them out.
‘jonny?’
‘yeah?’
‘come here.’
jonny looked over to thom, a little perplexed by the sudden command. thom wasn’t looking at him, his gaze was glued at the window, still, but he was motioning towards the space next to him on the floor.
‘what for?’ jonny asked as he was getting up from his comfortable spot on the bed.
‘i’ll tell you. hurry up, you’re gifted with those long legs of yours, so it should be no problem…’
he plopped himself down next to thom, close, trying to look in whatever direction thom was. jonny let his legs stretch out in front of him, and his hands fell into the little crevice between them. thom was in contrast sitting with his legs crossed, leaning forward a little. their sides were pressed to each other, not uncomfortably so, it was casual in the way that you involuntarily sometimes just end up closer to people you’re comfortable with. the warmth from it was actually rather pleasant in the colder temperatures of the nordics.
‘look at the sky.’ thom said once jonny had gotten himself settled. jonny followed his command.
and he saw… nothing. ‘it’s just pitch black, isn’t it?’
‘exactly!’ thom sounded a bit baffled. ‘i didn’t really pay attention to it before, but i can’t see a single bloody star up there at all.’
‘isn’t that because of light pollution? since we’re in the city… it’s like, i think it works similarly to the reason why you can’t see them during the day. don’t quote me on that...’
thom shrugged. ‘not the first time some kind of human pollution ended up fucking things up, so you’re probably right.’
jonny laughed. ‘yeah. but, i mean, the city is still quite beautiful, isn’t it?’
‘it is. i didn’t say the view was bad.’ thom sighed and leaned back a bit, crossing his arms. ‘that’s the fucked up part, though, don’t you think?’
‘i suppose you could say that. replacing a natural wonder with an artificial one…’
‘which means most people probably won’t give a damn when they lose the former. and then when it’s gone, you can’t get it back.’ thom gestured towards the city. ‘all of this? you can just rebuild this shit.’
‘there are still places where you can see the sky, though. the more rural ones… that’s where all the astronomers flock to. to be fair though, those places…’
‘are becoming fewer.’
‘and snatched up by all those pesky astronomers…’ jonny grumbled, playful.
‘and the people who can afford it. meanwhile, everyone else has to be satisfied with their eyes being fried by artificial lights and skyscrapers…’
‘some people are very enthusiastic about those, actually. i’ve heard of people making it their pastime, climbing on top of unreasonably tall buildings… i don’t think i’ll ever understand that…’
thom snickered. ‘again, it feels like some silly kind of compensation, you know, for climbing mountains… i guess rocks just aren’t exciting enough.’
‘not dangerous enough, probably…’
‘suicidality takes on interesting forms in people, doesn’t it?’
‘err, i think you mean “daredevilness”.’
‘that’s what i said, wasn’t it?’
that sent both of them to a little fit of laughter. thom leaned against the bed, and stretched his legs out similarly to how jonny had his. seeing the juxtaposition of their limbs pressed together, with the height difference between them making itself apparent, only served to make thom laugh more. without thinking much about it, jonny lifted a hand to his face, muffling his own a little.
‘at least it’s not as bad as it could’ve been if you were sitting next to ed.’ he said behind it.
‘you bastard. you absolute bastard…! that’s it, ed’s going to have to pay. he must’ve stolen a couple inches from everyone else in this god damn band, so he’s got it coming.’
jonny's laughter was breathy, muffled. thom was giggling, but he seemed to quiet down a little, instead peering with intent at jonny, and his hand.
suddenly, he grabbed the wrist, and with force, pulled it away from jonny's face. the shock of it made him, conveniently, laugh more. ‘wh - what’s that for!?’ jonny managed, in between giggles. he tried to pull up his other, but he noticed thom had taken a hold of that one, too. hair to the rescue, then, and he tossed his head to the side, making it fall (as far as it could) in front of his face.
‘no more of your lies and deceit, jon-jon .’ thom said, mock seriousness in his voice. ‘look at me, c’mon, c’mon… get out from under there, you!’ he sounded like he was coaxing a terrified animal out of its hiding place.
jonny sighed, took in a breath, and lifted his head, staring thom right in the eyes.
‘theeere you go. good man.’ thom’s expression was completely serious. so was jonny’s.
jonny tried to keep his facade up, which was normally quite easy to do (naturally, he found that he was nowhere near as expressive as thom was), but it grew a bit more difficult as the seconds ticked by. he couldn’t really tell whether it was because seeing thom’s Serious Face in this context, so close to him, was incredibly comical, or whether it was because thom was this close , looking at him completely exposed ( well, for jonny, having his face exposed counted as such… ), being able to absorb every little detail, every breath, every place his eyes wandered to. he tried to keep his eyes on thom's, but it proved incredibly taxing, so occasionally, they darted elsewhere... the hairs on thom's chin, his one drooping eyelid, his lips, which were relaxed in such a way that they were slightly open. quickly, jonny went back to staring into thom's gaze, feeling like he'd let himself wander as he suddenly felt his face becoming slightly warm. could thom feel that too...?
without warning, thom’s face broke into a grin, and he let go. so did jonny, he felt a long breath exit him as he victoriously reclaimed control of his hands. thom had withdrawn to his place next to jonny, and this time, the way he settled made him lean slightly onto the other man. his eyes were back on the view outside as he spoke. the warmth remained.
‘you know you don’t have to do that around me, right?’
jonny raised his brow. ‘do what?’
‘hiding. behind stuff.’
so that’s what that was about…?
‘i… don’t know if it’s entirely intentional, to be honest…’
thom hummed. ‘makes sense. still, i dunno… it’s nice to see you uninhibited, you get what i mean?’
‘i think i do, yeah.’ jonny thought the same when it came to thom, after all.
‘i want you to know that like, with me…’ thom paused briefly. ‘no, with anyone, actually. with anyone, you don’t need to hide. i think… if the world needs anything more out of “radiohead”, god forbid… it’s an uninhibited jonny, at least a slightly more… loose one.’
thom stopped himself with a choked chortle. ‘okay, okay, please don’t mention the-’
‘incredibly apt word choice...’
that made thom smack his side gently. ‘i told you, tsk tsk… naughty. ’
‘okay, i’ll refrain this time.’
‘great job. anyway… i’m not telling you to be like ed or colin or anyone else, just… in my humble and well-informed opinion, there’s little for you to be, well… ashamed of, you know? okay, i’ll stop now before i say too much, you probably know this shit anyway...’
jonny was unsure of how exactly to respond, or what to say. the implications behind what thom said were numerous , but there was a valiant attempt there to obfuscate them, and it succeeded just enough that jonny would just feel awkward and presumptuous about any further inquiry into them. masterful move, thom… but, at the same time… it was nice. it felt like one of those rare moments where thom exposed a part of himself, without cloaking it in jokes and irony. and it was also totally not what he’d expect from what started with thom being in a sour mood.
‘thank you, thom… i appreciate it, really. i hadn't really thought of it before...’
‘yeah, yeah.’ a sign that thom definitely wanted to move on from this subject as quickly as possible. jonny concurred.
while they did so, verbally, they didn’t move from their little spot on the floor, by the foot of jonny’s bed, and fell back into that comfortable silence again, pressed against each other, not really feeling obliged to talk about anything in particular to keep the room aired with politeness. everything seemed to fall into place again, just for the moment.
that’s what was so incomprehensible about it, really.
because again, jonny found himself stuck in that place, where he felt totally in tune with thom, on the exact same page, knowing each other’s individual notes with perfect accuracy.
while, at the same time, feeling he didn’t know at all.
and perhaps, since he still knew the shape, the feel, the sound, and most importantly, that it worked - perhaps, even if he didn’t know the names of every single note, that was okay.