Chapter Text
Amanda squinted through the musty air of the dilapidated shed. The floor was covered in bits of dirt and dust, partly illuminated by the slivers of moonlight that slipped through the cracks in between the wooden boards of the roof. She stepped forward slowly, her boots making muted taps on the concrete.
The main expanse of the barn was separated from the door with a hole-ridden wooden wall, with an open doorway to the far right. Amanda could see a figure moving behind the wood, but was unable to make out their identity. Despite this, introductions weren’t necessary. A voice broke out, clear against the silence.
“I’ve been looking forward to talking with you again, Detective Rollins.” Amanda tensed, her eyes squinting into the darkness as she walked slowly towards the break in the wall. “I suppose you’re looking for him. He’s not doing so good at the moment.”, Henry’s shrill laugh cut through the air, sounding like a high-pitched siren echoing painfully off of the walls of Amanda’s head.
She rounded the corner and caught her first sight of him. Henry hadn’t aged much since last year, except maybe for a few meager centimeters of height. He held a gun in his hand and was swinging it around haphazardly as he walked in a circle around the barn, its barrel centering on target after target. Every few steps, he took a moment to control it, leveling its head at the figure in the center of his circle, a figure that made Amanda want to throw up, cry, and scream all at once.
Carisi was bound to a chair, his head sloped onto his chest, rolling around slowly. He appeared to be slipping in and out of consciousness. His tie wasn’t the only thing Henry had removed. His suit jacket and vest were disregarded on the dirty floor a few feet away. His dress shirt was open a few buttons on the top, and the white fabric was swirled with dark red. It didn’t appear to have a source, it just pooled all over his body. Amanda’s head spun.
“I remember this one when I was ten”, Henry continued, gesturing toward Carisi with his gun. “Cop to ADA, huh? And you two, I just knew it. You always were so pretty, he’s a lucky man. How’s the sex, Detective Rollins?”
Amanda’s blood boiled in her stomach at his words, but she talked herself down, knowing that running at him firing bullets at random out of anger wouldn’t do Carisi any favors. As Henry completed his latest pace around Carisi’s chair, he turned to face the spot where Amanda stood, and finally caught her eye. He stopped in his tracks and smiled.
“There you are. Come and join us.”
Amanda squinted at him but took a step forward. She could see Carisi clearer now, his fingers moving ever so slightly, blood draining from them as he strained against the rope. “You know this doesn’t end well, Henry. The agents outside aren’t afraid of taking you out.”
“Oh I’m well aware. You see, I don’t particularly care. I mean, I already know it’s my last day on Earth, isn’t that right, Detective Rollins? After your little outburst last time, you’ve blown talking your way out of this.”
“Why are we here, Henry? You keep killing. What are you looking for?”Amanda asked, working to pull herself to a level of normal conversation like she had done at the funhouse.
Henry shrugged nonchalantly. “Adrenaline? Thrill?”, he tilted his head up toward her. “Holding power over you. The power to destroy your world, with a flick of my finger.”
Amanda spotted a loophole in his words and held onto it like a lifeline. “Even holding power over yourself?” Henry’s expression faltered microscopically, but Amanda pounced on it. “Yeah, Henry. I mean, kidnapping a Manhattan ADA, that’s one thing. But killing him? That’s the death penalty. Your little pencil stunt won’t work this time. I’ll testify to your mental well-being right now. A judge won’t let you off a third time.” Watching for Henry’s reaction, Amanda held her breath before continuing. “An ESU team taking you out, well that’s not really your doing. But you taking yourself out? If you want to destroy your own world, go ahead, Henry.”
She saw him snap, anger growing on his face. He moved forward with quick successive steps, raising the gun level to Rollin’s head. She moved back and to the side, keeping space between herself and Henry.
“Go ahead,” she said, her voice low, wavering with anger, her eyes squinting, taunting him. “Shoot me, Henry. See how it feels.”
Just then, the sound of wood splintering and men shouting cut through the silence of the shed. The ESU agents filled the space next to the door, the sound of metal clinking and shuffling boots giving them away.
“Stay back!”, Amanda shouted, holding out her free hand while keeping her eyes trained on Henry.
He smirked, laughing sarcastically. “Lost control, Detective?”
Amanda ignored him, her mind racing. She heard Olivia talking to her loudly through the radio of one of the agents. She pulled herself away from the voice after hearing “stand down”, and shut out everything except for Henry. Henry and the trigger forming an indent on her index finger. Henry and the blood caked under his fingernail that, she realized with another turn of her stomach, probably belonged to Carisi.
Carisi. Carisi who made pancakes for her girls when he could. Carisi spoke low and soft to her. Carisi who always asked before doing or touching anything. Carisi who’s gray hair was streaked with deep red, his gentle hands pressed against dark wood and rotting rope.
Amanda squinted her eyes again at Henry and began making judgments about his trigger squeeze. Before she knew what was happening, a shot rang out, impossibly loud in the confined walls of the shed. She expected pain to bloom somewhere in her body, but she felt nothing, her hands still wrapped around her gun. She saw Henry fall, and her mind caught up with reality. ESU agents moved to swarm, the barrel of the sniper rifle dislodging from the crack in the wall from which the shot had been fired.
“WAIT!”, Amanda exclaimed, throwing out her hand to stop the oncoming stampede. She turned to face Henry, standing over him as he writhed in the dirt. The bullet had caught his lower calf, the best angle the agent could get. Blood pooled, and his hands rushed over his leg, searching for the wound. His face remained impossibly calm, his eyes fixed on Amanda’s. She leveled her gun at him.
“Give me a reason”, she growled, her voice just loud enough for Henry to hear. At first, she tried to ignore the movement in her peripheral vision. Then she realized it wasn’t an ESU agent. Carisi moved slowly, the fabric of his shirt shifting, a low groan escaping his mouth. It wasn’t long until all her attention was focused on the movement at the edge of her vision. That movement was her world. That movement was all she needed. Amanda took a last look at Henry before holstering her gun.
“Get him out of here”, she told the ESU agents. She turned toward Carisi, and Henry Mesner left her mind. Amanda rushed forward as police filled the room. A bus had already been called, and one of the agents rushed forward with bolt cutters to free Carisi’s hands from the rope. As soon as she reached him, she ran her hands along his torso, feeling cuts, her fingers becoming stained with blood. She felt tears gathering in her eyes as she eased him out of the chair and held him in her arms. EMTs entered the room, officers secured zip ties around Henry’s wrists, she was sure her Captain had entered the scene by now. None of it mattered. As long as she felt the skin of Carisi’s hand on her fingers and his hair brushing her chin and chest, nothing else mattered.
Liv closed the door of Carisi’s hospital room softly behind her. A soft light illuminated the peaceful picture of the two people inside. Carisi was asleep in the hospital bed, his hair and neck cleaned of the dried blood from the horrors of the day before. Next to him, Amanda sat in a chair pulled as close as possible to the bed. Her arm was tucked under her head as it rested on the bed next to Carisi’s hip, and her eyes were closed, her slow breath indicating that she was fast asleep. On Carisi’s chest, the fingers of her free hand were intertwined with his.
Liv walked toward the pair and laid her hand gently on Amanda’s shoulder. Her eyes fluttered open at the touch, and she sat up straight once she spotted Liv.
“How is he?” Liv asked softly.
Amanda looked at Carisi’s face before answering. “Alive. Safe.” She turned back to look at her Captain. “He has a few cuts, some deep, and a head wound. He’ll heal. Physically.” Liv nodded, her hands resting on her stomach in relief. “Henry?”
“Prison upstate. 24-hour double security team. The Feds have taken the case in search of whoever helped him threaten his psychiatrist. A ‘matter of national security. I’ll make sure they keep us updated.” Liv hesitated, searching Amanda’s face. “I’m proud of you.”
Amanda scoffed. “For what? I-I disobeyed a direct order, put the entire case in jeopardy. I’m so sorry, Li-”
Olivia cut her off with a hand on her shoulder. “For not killing him”, she said solemnly. “That must have taken incredible strength.”
Amanda nodded her head, remembering how all of her thoughts had shifted to Carisi. “I didn’t care what happened to Henry. All I cared about was Carisi, that he was safe.” She responded softly. Liv smiled at her Detective and ADA.
“Speaking of that, I think you guys owe me some paperwork.”
Amanda looked up at her and laughed. “Give me a few days?” Liv nodded her smile wide. “Are you mad at us for keeping this from you?” Amanda asked tentatively.
Liv shook her head immediately. “No. I’ve known for a while, even though I didn’t make the connection to Carisi at first. You’re happy, Amanda. Happier than I’ve seen you in a long time.” Amanda smiled up at her, reveling in the truth of her words “And besides, I knew Carisi wouldn’t let you two break any rules. He never put you on the stand, worked his cases around the testimony of the rest of us. McGrath and the eighth floors may be a bit annoyed, but they have no grounds for serious punishment. You’ll be okay.” She placed her hand on Amanda’s shoulder again, and Amanda found herself fighting off a beaming smile of relief.
Familiar voices floated into the room from outside the door. Amanda tilted her head in the direction of the voices. “Fin out there?” Liv nodded. “Does he know?”
“He suspects. But you know him. He doesn’t want to know.” Amanda laughed. “You want me to let him in?”
“Yeah, sure.”, Amanda responded. Liv crossed the room and opened the door to stick her head into the hallway. Moments later, Fin followed her into the room, a cheeky smile growing on his face.
“Took you two long enough,” he teased but his voice was soft, the growing blush on Amanda’s cheeks and her fingers, still intertwined with Carisi’s, pulling out a genuine smile despite himself.
“Thanks, Fin,” Amanda responded, an equally wide smile plastered on her face.
“Are you doin’ okay?”, Fin asked, his eyes concerned as he scanned Amanda, apparently looking for injuries.
“I will be,” she said softly, her gaze turning back to Carisi. She searched his face fondly for a few moments before she noticed his eyelids, and she sat up straighter. They were fluttering, his fingers wiggling between Amanda’s. “Carisi? Dominick?” A low groan emitted from him, and she stood up, leaning over him as he blinked his eyes open, pupils adjusting to the room’s bright light.
Liv placed a comforting hand briefly on Amanda’s back, before nodding to Fin. The two left the room, followed by the soft click of the door.
Carisi was fully awake now, his eyes lingering on Amanda. Relief poured through her, and she sat on the edge of his bed, cupping his face with her hands.
“Hi”, she whispered softly, tears gathering on the edge of her eyelids.
“It’s you,” he said. His voice was hoarse with disuse, but he smiled up at her and leaned into her hands.
She laughed tearfully. “It’s me. Are you okay? How do you feel?”
Carisi reached up to her face and traced his fingers lightly over her cheek. “I’m okay. I promise I’m okay.” Amanda nodded and leaned down to rest her forehead on his. Tears filled her eyes again as she focused on the feeling of his skin on hers.
“I was so scared,” Amanda said, barely audible. “I can’t even imagine losing you, I-” she took a deep breath. “I love you.”
Carisi sucked in a breath, and smiled up at Amanda, his eyes glistening. “I love you, too. So much.”
Amanda closed the minuscule distance between them and kissed him, her eyes squeezed shut, her fingers wandering across his face, his neck, in his hair. Carisi’s lips were dry and chapped and hers were wet with tears, but all of the emotion behind years of friendship and months of the relationship was felt by both of them in that kiss.
When they finally parted, Amanda shifted back slightly to look at Sonny, his face in her hands, the rest of the world unimportant. The only thing that mattered to her and to him, was each other.