Chapter Text
He saw no light filter through the closed door, so he expected it to be empty inside. In addition to expecting it, he hoped for it very much, as he felt too tired and nervous to do anything but close his eyes for a few hours and stay away from any human with the gift of speech.
He opened the door, then, without making too much noise, and found the room fortunately empty. Only the slightest external light illuminated it that minimum necessary to understand at least where to put his feet. Levi, however, did not trust his nocturnal sight so much, so he prepared to light the lantern that stood on the table, finding it strangely still warm.
Along with it, on the woody surface and slightly dented in places, a mirror, Erwin's steel razor, and an open book facing downwards whose contents he was unaware of.
The bastard had been there until recently, probably to relax a bit before returning to sign the final reports for the next day.
The raven wondered how he had managed to shave himself when he normally asked for help from him or Hanji in his absence, but another need became more alive in him.
He ignored that good intention of being able to make him think one last time and began to take his things to leave that room that was getting more and more stuffy even though there was only him. He would have slept (if he could) somewhere else, even outside the door if necessary, anyway he hadn't been able to benefit from a completely peaceful sleep for years due to nightmares and the irrational fear of never waking up again.
He would have spent the sleepless night as well if that had helped him distract himself from beating the shit out of that fucking blonde, that same blonde who was able to make his heart beat faster with both anger and something else.
As he was about to take the numerous slings he had carefully left on one side of the room, the door opened, and Levi winced.
-Oh, here you are. I thought you were still with the others.- he didn't even turn to stare at him since he felt burned with anger, so he just squeezed the harnesses with his hand as if to channel his irritation at that point.
As if they were the rosy muscled neck of that bastard he'd wanted to get his hands on to silence him once and for all.
Erwin entered, closing the door in the most religious silence so as not to wake the other soldiers, going to arrange what he had left on the table shortly before.
Levi did not say and did nothing, he remained with his body turned to the wall for endless seconds while he reflected on how to escape from that room without making him suspicious too much. Difficult, because he was holding all of his things anyway, and Erwin wasn't stupid enough to believe he was just tidying up the room for the third time in a day.
He could have done it, actually, but at that hour it was quite unlikely.
-Was it a good party?- the latter asked in a calm tone, it seemed almost smiling, which made the raven, still intent on thinking about an escape route, furious to say the least.
Was he really asking him if he was enjoying himself? After everything he had told him a few hours ago? After having revealed his obvious death wish as opposed to that of discovery?
No, it hadn't been a good party, and it never would have been for someone like Levi.
He stifled another killer-like instinct, the raven, before walking quickly to the exit with his head down and his fists forcibly closed.
-Hey, what's wrong with you?- Erwin asked in an alarmed tone, freezing himself from everything he was doing to be able to follow him at least with his eyes. Levi didn't answer, but he bit his lip so as not to have to say what he had been fighting for hours to get out of his mouth.
-Where are you going?- he insisted, noticing how he was holding all his clothes with an air of profound need, as if he were running away desperately. Levi ignored him again as he retrieved his boots, internally hoping that he would stop asking him stupid questions and that he would go to sleep like all normal people.
-Mind your own fucking business.- he was not premeditated to talk to him, he didn't want to talk to him, but deep down in his heart he knew that good or bad he owed him an answer. He sprinted towards the exit door, finally, already beginning to breathe a kind of freedom that within those four walls would surely have failed.
-Levi, tell me what the fuck is happening to you and where are you going.- Erwin's tone became almost exasperated, after releasing a kind of sigh that the raven knew well –It's an order.-
A familiar shiver hit him on the back of his neck, causing a slight and almost imperceptible shock that was able to give him an involuntary spasm in the area of the head, not painful, but still intense, which immobilized him in front of the door. In a second he felt totally reborn, as if the fate of his life depended on that unexpected order.
It was a thrill that hit him only and exclusively when he uttered those three simple words, a thrill that led him to obey him without any possibility of refusing, most of the time.
Erwin knew he had that power over him, he knew it very well, and Levi hated him so much at that moment that that repressed temptation to beat him up was starting to show itself again inside him.
Levi turned to stare at him with a look he had never allowed himself to give him, ever, in all those years. Not even when Erwin had managed to block his sword with one hand immediately after Farlan and Isabel's death had he looked at him with all that hatred and pent-up anger. Not even when Mike had drenched his head in that muddy puddle after an order from him, not even when he had crossed him in the corridors with that good-natured smile of someone who is not in the least afraid of dying, not even when he had returned without an arm despite his predictions .
He realized with a slight concern that if he really wanted to, in that moment, he could easily kill him without any hesitation. Exactly why he had joined the Research Corps years and years ago, but which he had not completed.
How had they gotten to that point? Why was it enough a simple misunderstanding and Erwin's recklessness to cause that blatant rift?
-Stop playing with my mind.- Levi hissed, throwing his things to the ground and turning completely towards him, threatening him with those gray eyes that at that moment were shining with a different light, burning, alive.
He knew how much Erwin was a sadist, a calculator, but he did not believe that he would even go as far as to order such a stupid thing to him in order to achieve his purpose. He did not believe that he would come to exploit him in that way just to know what was going through his head.
Maybe he'd always done it, but he'd never quite noticed it, or maybe he'd let it be because he trusted him. Because Levi had always trusted him, in everything and for everything, and he would never have allowed the trust in their relationship to fail.
-Tell me why you're leaving, then.- the blond insisted, taking a step towards him to put himself exactly in front of him.
Levi found himself staring at that razor with a look that scared him internally, because he knew it would be a matter of time before he grabbed it and reminded him how good he was with blunt objects. He stared into his eyes again, hoping it was obvious enough all the bitterness he was feeling, all that hatred that he would never have hoped to feel for someone like him.
He once hated him, a lot, so much he didn't think about anything else. Even at that moment he could not, but he did not depend on hatred, but on something else that Levi still did not understand or he refused to understand.
-Because I don't want to see your shitty face and I don't want to talk to you, do you like it as an answer?- he uttered those words as if they hurt inside his mouth, spitting out all that poison that had dragged on for endless hours like a snake in a dangerous situation. Erwin frowned slightly, his thick eyebrows visibly confused by that attitude which, yes, was typical of Levi, but which at that moment he felt that it did not belong to him.
He was troubled by something and he didn't like those bloodshot eyes at all; they weren't the eyes of the same man who had faced him in his office, they weren't the eyes of the same person he had kissed, held, hugged, consoled in the darkest moments ...
They weren't the eyes of the only man he'd given permission to get so close to him all those years, trusting his certainties and insecurities in him, just looking for someone to listen to him without saying a word. Levi was the kind of person he listened to patiently, but in that moment Erwin sensed a wall between them that he remembered seeing him right after he had enlisted him. They had both taken a long time to destroy it, however, since they were two very strong personalities and who often and willingly entered into conflict even for the most stupid things.
Noticing that the blond was no longer responding, Levi turned away intent on opening the door to finally get out of that suffocating situation that could not make him think normally.
Erwin, in a flash, was about to grab his wrist to stop him with his only free hand, but Levi didn't seem to think the same way. Erwin did not even have time to touch him that the raven rushed on the table with a fast shot, took the razor with one hand and walked away from him with the object in plain sight: the silver blade shone in contact with the dim light of the lantern together with Levi's clear eyes, intent on staring at him as if he were a prey on a hunt.
-Don’t fucking dare to touch me.- the raven threatened him with a firm tone, internally enjoying the confused and slightly frightened expression of the greatest. Erwin knew how lethal that vision could be, he'd had a taste of it years ago, but he didn't really understand why he was defending himself like that.
He had never flinched when he touched him, in fact, he seemed to like some human warmth if he gave it to him himself. So why was he walking away like that? Why had he taken that razor and was pulling it out in front of his eyes with that threatening air?
-Levi...- the blond called him, starting to feel shivers of cold going up all over his spine. The color of the blade was very similar to his eyes, fixed on his as if he wanted to read his soul.
-It's been years since I've held a knife, but I haven't forgotten how to do it.- said the raven as he tipped the handle as he used to do with swords –Tell me, Erwin, do you want to experience the thrill of riding without arms?-
The older of the two began to fear for his life again after years, that familiar thrill he had felt when he met his gaze in the underground city returned to visit him in all its glory, making him far more invulnerable than he could have hoped.
-Or...- he continued moving the razor downwards in the air, as if he was actually cutting him with that sharp blade –If I cut off your leg...- Erwin found himself swallowing softly –Or even that shitty tongue of yours, so good at charming people, manipulating them, using them.- Levi raised the razor again, bringing it in front of his face so that only his eyes were visible.
Erwin knew in his heart, he hoped, that the other would not go that far, but that attitude certainly did not bring good news.
-How are you going to give orders without that tongue, Erwin?- the raven teased him, going back to holding that razor in the traditional way, without stopping to stare him in the eyes.
"Look at me, look at how pissed off I am at you, look at the urge I have to punch you until you bleed."
Look at me.
-Why do you want to go that far?- the blond man asked, backing away just a step, making the other man relax slightly.
-Since threatening to break your legs didn't work, I thought of raising the bar.- the shorter man answered promptly, not taking his eyes off his own as if he wanted to witness every breath a little shorter, every bitter bite swallowed with difficulty, every frightened blink of his eyes –You really want to die, right? So, why don't you face me, here and now?-.
He was serious, he was incredibly serious, ascertained the blond with a sort of horror in his gaze.
-I'll have your fucking will to live back in no time.-
-Levi, you're not thinking straight...- the older of the two tried to tell him by putting forward his only available hand. He knew it was a risk, but he didn't want to back down so easily.
-I could say the same thing about you, since you are deciding of your own free will to become fodder for Titans and at the same time you want to discover the secrets of this world.- the raven retorted promptly, alluding to his inconsistency and throwing a slash at the air, quick but painless, to make him understand that he wasn't joking and that he could have been unleashed quietly at any moment –I'll tell you something, commander ...- he spat that word as if it were poison –If you die you won't be able to enter that fucking cellar, I hope you've realized that.-
He hated not being able to explain himself like all normal people, but he had tried hard that afternoon to no avail, so he found himself forced to change his method of approach.
Probably with threats and brazen realism Erwin would have understood more.
The latter, in fact, raised both eyebrows, struck by the cruelty inherent in that statement that he hadn't expected at all although he knew how direct he was and how much he didn't give a damn about honorifics in his presence.
-I've told you what I think, Levi, and I'm not going to change my mind about it.- he recalled resolutely, going on to sigh.
-Oh, I know you won't.- nodded the other with a nod of his head –And I won't either.- he admitted immediately afterwards, lowering the razor and throwing it in a point of the room where it wouldn't hurt anyone –Just to know, if you get in trouble I won't come to save your ass like I usually do, got it?- then the metallic clangour caused by the object falling to the floor was heard, sanctioning yet another pause of a dozen seconds.
The tone was firm, rough as it had always been, but Erwin could read something else in those eyes that he had seen in every possible shade.
He found himself shaking his head in denial, looking away for a second and going to stare at that floor where he could have mirrored himself from how shiny it was.
-I know you, you would not be able to do such a thing.- Levi hated useless deaths, he knew it very well, that's why he always threw himself into the fray, risking his own life to save a hundred others. He was a good man, although he didn't show it often or to everyone.
-You don't know me at all- replied the person concerned in a firm tone, refraining from emitting a disdainful laugh.
-I trust you blindly enough to know that if I were in mortal danger you would come to my rescue anyway.- there was no trace of disparagement in his tone, just simple sincerity that Levi didn't take so kindly to because in his heart he knew he was absolutely right.
Levi might have ignored her plea for help, but a part of himself would have rushed in without any delay. He had experienced this so many times that he had now lost count.
-Not even, because if you had trusted me enough at the time, you would still have your arm.- he said, feeling his chest on fire, in contrast with the umpteenth feeling of guilt for not being able to save him, while he quickly looked at the stump covered by the white shirt –And if you trusted me enough you would accept to stay here and read any shitty book waiting for our return, but no, you want to be a hero, to prove you're better than others who have gone before you...the problem is that you don't understand that a fucking ghost can't do anything real in this world.-
-Listen, Levi...- Erwin went to massage the root of his nose waiting for the enlightenment to totally invade him –Stop skirting around it, and tell me what you want.-
Levi went to flick his tongue across his palate, clearly annoyed.
-So you're really deaf, or you lost so much blood that time that you became totally and permanently stoned...- the smaller of the two commented with an air of disdain, as he shook his head.
How fucking long did it take him to realize that he didn't want him to leave the next day? Did he have to write it on an official document to instill it in his head?
-It's not my fault that you only show your emotions or intentions when...-
The tone, from strong and decisive that it was, lowered considerably in volume at the end of that sentence he had left unsaid.
Erwin had bowed his gaze, quite distressed, among other things, bringing it towards that same floor that had witnessed so many situations that had involved both of them. From the most beautiful to the most ugly, none excluded.
Levi understood what he meant, it didn't take a genius, and he had to laugh.
A bitter, ugly, surprised laugh in the negative, one that he had only addressed to those who had tried to kill him over the years but had never succeeded, before plunging the knife into their throats or before depriving them of sight, hearing or the sense of touch.
-I can't believe it...- he commented with a light tone, but full of contempt, going to stare at him with all the disappointment he had accumulated in the last years –Can't you say that word?-
The blond remained silent and motionless, still staring at the floor as if he wanted it to swallow him. Levi couldn't see him, but a blush had formed on his cheeks that at that moment clashed with everything else.
-Erwin Smith, the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, is ashamed to say that he fucked one of his subordinates?- the raven spat those words as if they were a poison about to corrode the inside of his mouth and esophagus.
A poison that in a few seconds had managed to melt that heart that until that moment he had not expected to exist. A heart that beat only for Erwin, and for no one else.
Levi could have lived without it, as long as he had it.
Erwin didn't speak, Erwin didn't react, and these elements were enough to still cloud the vision he believed to be the best within the Corps.
-Well, that's fair enough, after all, I'm just a sewer rat, the son of a dirty whore and a thoughtless, unknown father who's lived in shit for years and isn't able to talk to people unless he's carrying a knife.- he knew his superiors had done some research before enlisting him, and he knew those words had come out of their mouths as they confronted each other away from the cadets.
-I never said that.- the blond man said with a firm tone, looking him in the eyes again and feeling the enormous disgust he felt just remembering certain sentences –I know you are not like that.- he said with all the sincerity he could muster.
He knew that his superiors had spent those words for him many years ago, but he had tried to convince them that Levi was different, that he hid a darkness inside himself that was similar to his own, that although they had lived in two different worlds they had many things in common and many similar points of view.
Levi was a good man, selfless in his own way, he cared about others, he cared about the fate of a war that didn't even belong to him, he cared about always making him a hot cup of tea for when he woke up....
Levi was the same, and at the same time the opposite. A contrast that worked well in life as well as in battle; he knew he would always be there for him, and likewise hoped he would lean on him if he ever needed to at the expense of her pride.
-You don't know anything!- the raven shouted, jumping forward, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and pulling him to himself so he could look him in the eyes better. Fury, inexhaustible fury in those irises so small but so deep that they reflected the skies covered by rain clouds or the stormy sea. A storm that was about to brew right then and there.
A storm that Erwin personally feared because he knew he would be swept away by it.
-Don't say you understand me or know who I am or how I feel just because you fucked me and we slept together!- squealed the younger one clutching that collar as if he found himself hanging from a cliff and struggling not to let go –Don't say you understand me when you never had to sleep under a fucking bridge, when you never had to steal food since you were six, when you never had to learn how to hold a knife, when you never had to learn how to survive at an age when you should normally be playing with wooden swords!-
Words he'd never said to anyone, words that hurt just to hold them under his tongue, words Erwin would have expected to hear sooner or later. Because it was true, he didn't understand it, or rather, not all the way through. He hadn't experienced anything like he had from an early age, in fact, the exact opposite, so he couldn't say he totally understood him.
He couldn't even imagine what he had felt in that place, what he had had to go through, what it meant for him to live when for years he had only been able to survive in that world that had never been his friend.
-Don't say you understand me when...when...- his tone had gone sour at the end, together with his hands that were slowly letting go of his collar that was now all wrinkled up –When you never listen to what I tell you, and you prefer to go and die rather than wait for someone to open the fucking cellar for you...-.
Levi lowered his gaze to the ground, so that Erwin could only see that helmet of pitch-black hair slowly fall back on his tense, extremely tired face.
He didn't know what to say or do as he rested his head on his chest in complete silence, as if to find some sort of comfort in the slightest contact. He breathed deeply, Levi, as he let go in a moment of peace that was, unfortunately, only apparent.
Erwin merely let him, holding his left arm up for fear of brushing against him and pushing him away as a result.
He had very few memories of seeing him like that, very blurred ones at that, too, but they were always moments when he found himself speechless in the barrel, with no idea what to do in order to cheer him up. Normally it would be enough for him to hug him and kiss him, but Erwin knew it wouldn't do any good at that moment.
-Tell me what you're feeling.- he told him in a low tone, biting his lip from fear of daring too much and pushing him away for good –In your own words, tell me everything you're feeling.-
He had never done this before because he hoped that, sooner or later, he himself would come forward.
It wasn't an order, it was a sweet invitation to share his emotions that he was so careful to hide from the eyes of others. Emotions that at any moment could have exploded, as had happened a couple of minutes before.
He felt Levi sighing softly against his chest, but still did not dare to touch him.
-I've already lost Farlan, Isabel, my mother, my whole team, Kenny...- the raven murmured in a heartbroken, almost inaudible tone, as he took a few steps back and swallowed so much saliva that he risked choking. He looked up and crossed his commander's eyes, his commander's, intent on listening to him without a word with a terribly empathetic expression on his face.
As much as he was still pissed off at him, as much as he still wanted to beat the shit out of him...he couldn't see him in a negative light, not at the thought that this could have been the last night they could have both stood in that room.
The last night they could have dropped their masks and revealed themselves for who they were without fear of the other's judgment.
-I can't, I don’t want to lose you, too.-
His expression was grim, but it was only to hide the tingling of his eyelids and the slight trembling that had begun to run through his mouth, a sign that he was about to start crying as he had already done several times alone, away from prying eyes, with a handkerchief in his mouth to stifle his sobs as his mother had taught him when "a friend" arrived and left the house after a short time, leaving her in pain, in tears too, depleted of all that vitality that he had only when she found herself stroking his black hair and singing him some lullabies to make him fall asleep.
He had few memories of his mother, but he had treasured every teaching as if it were an untouchable and precious gospel.
Erwin had also taught him a lot, owed him a lot, and yet he couldn't forgive him for acting so selfishly.
-Levi...- the latter was speechless, sensing a tremor at the level of his heart that was familiar to him because he felt it only in his presence. A sign that that heart was really beating for someone, a sign that reminded him he was actually alive.
He felt the uncontrollable urge to embrace him and to sink his face into his hair that always smelled good, but he didn't know how he would react. He only lifted a hand, then, to bring it to his cheek with the intent to caress his tired, beautiful face, which always managed to make him invulnerable in any situation.
Levi, however, was not of the same idea.
He closed his eyes and, with a sigh, moved away a little, then looked away for a moment and rearranged his ideas.
Erwin repeatedly proposed that sentence in a loop in his head, believing it impossible that this man who was known to be very cold in character could express himself in such a direct way even though he was talking about his emotions, a taboo subject.
He didn't want him to leave, this was clear to the blond, but he didn't fully understand that it was only the fear of losing him, a fear that he had never shown so much before.
Levi hated unnecessary deaths, he always jumped into the fray to help those in danger...but he had no memory of hearing him say those things to anyone else. He was reserving those words, that heartbroken expression, that standoffish but at the same time so true and sincere attitude only for him.
-When will you finally feel satisfied, Erwin?- the raven asked as he timidly raised his face to his. His voice was as faint as the lantern he had lit moments before, the only source of light in the room that revealed the turmoil in both their eyes.
The tone he had used was not one of anger and indignation, no, it was the tone of someone who had finally resigned himself to the idea that Erwin would never give in even if he asked him to. Levi himself would never have done that, but the idea had begun to hover in his mind as he began to imagine a future without his presence in that room that was too big even for two people.
A future without his commands, a future without his stories told after a night of passion, a future without his hands that could brush against him with infinite gentleness, a future without the one man he had given permission to know sides of him that he hadn't shown to anyone else.
A future without Erwin he had never considered, and it scared him more than he could have hoped for.
The man himself swallowed, surprised at the question he couldn't answer offhand, especially after noticing how much Levi cared, not about the war itself, but about his own safety.
He looked at the man who in all those years had changed as he never imagined with an almost proud expression on his face. He remembered when he had seen him flying in the skies of the Underground and how surprised he had been, when Mike had lifted his wet and muddy head from that puddle that had experienced better days, remembered his bloodshot eyes when he had managed to block the sword by holding its blade with one hand and injuring himself, while Levi had lashed out at him for the death of his best friends.
He remembered the first night when they had given vent to their most carnal urges, on that same bed, after an evening shared in signing reports and chatting about this and that between documents. The first kiss given to him, the first caresses, the first almost sweet words he had allowed himself to say to him as he fell asleep because he was aware that, in that world, wasting precious time with love was inadmissible.
Erwin had seen him change totally, had seen all his strange sides, all his funny sides, all those sides that made him want to see him more and more every day.
He had seen him laugh, cry, joke, talk in his sleep, smile slightly when he brought him precious tea from the Capital....
Yet he would never get used to seeing him so helpless, so fearful, worried as he had never been.
Levi was a force of nature, it certainly didn't take much to break him.
Yet it was enough to tell him that he would be leaving too, the next day, to break the balance that had been going on for years and had never been disrupted before.
-When Humanity has recovered what is rightfully his.-
Freedom, the possibility to escape from those three walls, to meet unknown people, to visit unknown places.
Sea, desert, snowy mountains...all those things he had only seen in the books his father owned.
-Who's talking, the commander, or the teacher's son?- Levi suddenly asked, still in that low tone of voice that didn't bode well.
His gaze had sharpened again, but more than angry he seemed only to have given up even more. In his gray eyes the most vivid awareness that it would be effectively useless to try to convince him to stay there and keep his life safe.
-The commander, of course.- the other answered promptly, looking at him with a sort of obviousness in both tone and voice.
Levi was not very convinced, Erwin could tell by the expression of someone who knows a lot but doesn't want to admit anything.
The latter sighed and then shook his head in denial.
-No, it's not true.- he sketched a sad and bitter smile as he turned back, but not before carefully scrutinizing those blue irises he loved so much and that normally knew how to give him absolute peace of mind.
Erwin didn't take advantage of that delay to stop him, because he knew it wouldn't do any good. He let him finally approach the door, his pace quick but dragging at the same time.
-Do what you have to do, as long as you don't regret it later.- Levi said, grasping the handle with one hand and picking up everything he had dropped on the floor with the other, then turning to him again and looking at him one last time –I trust your judgement.-
Erwin knew this perfectly well, he had no doubt...but that expression so unlike him was able to shock him with no effort.
He had said it, but he didn't mean it, this Erwin sensed in those slightly frowning eyebrows and the forcibly tight mouth.
As if he'd told him to convince and self-convince him, mostly.
Levi opened the door, then, no longer meeting his gaze and slipping out of the room as quietly as possible, ending the conversation that had not borne fruit.
Erwin stood in the middle of the room for quite a while, not even realizing that the lantern's light had gone out because of the blast of air from the door from how focused he was on looking at the floor.
This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, he told himself as he straightened the collar that had been clutched convulsively in Levi's hands just moments before and unbuttoned the first button of the shirt he was wearing.
It wasn't planned for them to argue like that, especially with the knowledge that the next day's expedition would be very important for the whole of humanity.
Erwin had to be there, he was looking forward to it. He couldn't afford to miss the vision of that open cellar, by his own hand, surrounded by his soldiers, his loyal men and hundreds and hundreds of corpses.
It was cruel to think of it that way, but Erwin in his heart was aware that someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the cause he had been carrying on since he had managed to enlist in the Survey Corps. He would have sent the entire army to their deaths if it would have accomplished his goal.
Humanity, his father, deserved justice, and he knew he was born for it.
He went to sleep with that thought that night.
The other part of his head, however, was focused on something else.
More concrete other, an "other" that he had been able to experience in those years, an "other" that wasn't just anyone.
That "other" who just moments before had pointed the razor at him with the intention (was it really?) of maiming him so that he wouldn't leave.
Did he care that much about him, Levi? Or was there something else he couldn't explain?
-You haven't told me everything...- he murmured as he turned to his side, remembering when he had offered to listen to everything he had to say.
He'd been holding back, or he hadn't even been clear on what that “Tell me everything you feel” had meant.
He sighed as he rested his hand on his heart, feeling his warm chest and a small ache that was mostly mental, not physical.
"Do what you have to do, as long as you don't regret it later."
He didn't regret his choices, didn't regret what he'd done in the past or what he was doing in the present.
He did not regret manipulating minds, sending thousands upon thousands of soldiers to their deaths for a mere, childish desire that could not be shared by all.
He did not regret having placed an enormous burden on the shoulders of a fifteen-year-old boy who had already seen hell, just like him and like Levi, and who was wallowing in it up to his neck.
He didn't regret having approached Levi some time before, just as he didn't regret having kissed him, having held him, having called his name in a low voice so as not to be heard by the other soldiers, having fantasized about him many times.
He regretted only one thing, Erwin Smith.
He regretted not stopping him and asking him to sleep together that night.
A night that could have been the last, for him, for Levi, for both of them.
---
-Is it all just inside my head? Nothing more than a childish delusion?-
It seemed to him to open his eyes again after a long and terrible dream, all around him dust, fragments of rocks, blood congealed on his clothes and on the ground, pieces of wood coming from some houses in the distance.
The frightened and desperate screams of the soldiers not far from them somehow managed to hide the sound of the rocks being thrown by that fucking Beast Titan that for minutes and minutes had been pounding those few remaining soldiers and their impact on any existing surface. Those abandoned houses that were somehow still protecting them wouldn't last long.
His ears were plugged from too much noise, yet he could perfectly hear Erwin sitting on a wooden crate a very short distance away from him.
Dust crept into his clothes, settled on his seemingly impassive face and seemed to caress his hair with each sudden gust of wind.
Levi had experienced this kind of situation so many times before that it didn't even frighten him that much, convinced that he had seen worse in life.
The worst that was manifesting itself right in front of him, always sitting limply on that crate with the most bitter expression he had ever seen on him.
He would have sacrificed himself to save the entire mission, the mission that he had been drawing in his head since he was a little boy and that was a direct testimony of his father's wishes.
Erwin was going to charge off with all those inexperienced recruits to distract that behemoth and give him time to go after him and capture him, he had told him shortly before as they walked away from those soldiers, unaware of the actual danger and the fact that they needed time to regroup. It was not uncommon for Levi to wander off with him to discuss some tactics, some sudden ideas, or anything concerning that given expedition.
The raven knew that, sooner or later, they would come to a similar situation, he had foreseen it, as always, and yet Erwin had not listened to him.
He had offered him to go off on his own, convinced that he could do it if it meant saving him and Eren, the only true hopes of that humanity that the blond was so fond of and that needed that fucking freedom he had been longing for for centuries.
He would have left even blindfolded towards the battlefield to let them escape, he would have done anything.
Erwin hadn't let him, knowing that he would be the only one able to flush him out if the opportunity arose. But he would have had to die along with all the recruits, screwing up the chance to enter that cellar and see his beloved humanity free of all constraints.
He would have given up his dream to keep that mission afloat. He would have given up to finish what his father had started and passed on to him, locked up in the house and with only the light of the candle to illuminate their faces thirsty for knowledge.
As he looked at him he seriously began to get it into his head that this would certainly be the last time he would see him, where he could drown in those blue eyes that always seemed to "look beyond", where he could admire that face so tired, but at the same time perfect.
It would have been the last time he would have been able to inebriate himself with the sound of his voice, at that moment cracked because of the emotion and sadness of which his eyes were also full, that voice he had heard so many times that it would have been strange not to hear it anymore.
He narrowed his gaze, Levi, as he automatically knelt in front of him and kept his face down.
He remembered their first meeting, in which he was in almost the same position and Erwin was looking at him with those eyes full of expectation and with his mouth tight, as if waiting to hear him speak instead.
Two similar positions, but two completely different occasions. Their bond had changed, had grown stronger than either of them could have hoped.
Once he could say he hated him, hated the way he carried himself and talked too much like a perfectionist; he couldn't say the same in that moment, though.
Levi knelt down because he felt like it, because he owed it to him, because he knew he would regret it later if he backed down.
Meanwhile, harsh words, bitter words, were knocking on the door of his waiting teeth.
-You’ve fought well. It’s all thanks to you that we’ve come this far..-he spoke in the plural, but in his heart he knew he was also speaking for himself.
It was Erwin, for better or worse, who had dragged him out of that sewer, it was he who had explained to him how that world that was so angry at him worked, it was he who had shown him how good it was to let go, once in a while.
Erwin had taught him everything he had and didn't need, without leaving him behind at the slightest difficulty he encountered (which was rare, since Levi learned particularly quickly), without judging him and offering to explain himself again if something wasn't clear.
-I'm making the choice.- he sanctioned feeling his eyes pinch slowly, mentally cursing himself for being forced to choose again between two fires that didn't give much chance for revenge.
Either Erwin would die, or he would die, at that moment there was no real way out unless on the other side of the wall Eren and his other companions had managed to flush out the Colossal Titan in time.
Levi would have much preferred to go instead, but as much as he saw the sadness in his eyes at seeing his own dream fade away right in front of him he sensed, in a way, that it was his will that dictated that plan, not despair.
-Give up on your dream and die.- his heart began to pound inside his chest, as tears began to well up on his eyelids as he looked up grimly, but rehearsed, and crossed his own –Lead the recruits straight into hell.- he couldn't afford, at that moment, to let them see how much he disagreed with that suicidal departure.
He had to let him do it, because he trusted him, because it was right for the commander to make his choice exactly as he was making it.
-I will take down the Beast Titan.- words that were able to light a flame inside him that had been dormant until that moment.
He would kill that Titan for him, a promise that hadn't been totally sanctioned but one that Levi knew would be the last thing to bind him the moment he died to distract that behemoth.
He tied that statement in the corner of his head as he noticed how Erwin's eyes widened slightly in surprise.
He hadn't expected him to humor him like that, especially after the premises of two nights before and after all the others that had accompanied them over the past few years. Premises that had been consummated in a bed that was big enough for two people, in a locked room, with the moonlight ready to reflect off of both of their hair and into Levi's gray eyes intent on watching him with a neutral expression but one that hid more than that.
Erwin loved to watch him on those occasions, stripped of his clothes but also of all the responsibilities that concerned him; he looked like a different person when he wasn't holding his swords in his characteristic way, when he wasn't looking at the giants with a contemptuous air, when he wasn't insulting the recruits to "spur" them to do better.
He was simply Levi, the only person who could understand him and listen to him without judging him too cruelly, the only person who trusted him enough to let him do whatever came into his head. The only person to whom he had shown all sides of his character and still pursued following him, as if his personality was not a matter of interest.
He found himself smiling, then, even though all hell was breaking loose around him. The screams of the soldiers not far from them, the contained breathing of Levi at a short distance, the smell of congealed blood that always managed to disgust him even though he was used to it by now.
However, he would never get used to that terrifying sensation in his throat, the one that always preceded any dangerous and risky action. In that case, besides being dangerous, it would almost certainly have been fatal.
He looked into his eyes with a slight smile, blue against gray to finally give himself a break in all that hell. Levi raised his eyebrows slightly, as if surprised to see him so serene in all that marasmus that surrounded him and racked his head.
-Levi, thank you.-
Two words, two words spoken with such tenderness that they managed to upset Levi like few things in the world.
-What are you thanking me for?- he asked with shortness of breath, seeing with horror how he was pulling himself up from that crate with the lightest expression, as if an enormous weight had just been lifted from his stomach.
He was about to leave, he was about to head towards certain death, and that would be the only and last chance to see him, to look him in the eyes and drown once again in that clear and inviting tide.
Erwin stopped a few steps away from him, turning back and giving him a sad smile.
-You'll understand.- he only replied as he squared him from top to bottom, as if he wanted to imprint himself in Levi's memory in its entirety, for the last time. Although Levi had heard his answer, he found himself more confused than before.
Erwin remained staring at him with that stupid smile surrounding his lips without a word, without looking away. Levi hoped that he was having second thoughts, that he understood that there was no point in dying when it was also thanks to his strong desire for discovery that they had come this far.
Unfortunately, though, he didn't know what kept swirling in Erwin's mind for minutes on end, aware that this would indeed be the last talk he would have with him. Sure, they wouldn't be in front of a lit lantern in the company of two cups full of tea and with the distant sound of moving carriages as a backdrop, but the blond couldn't denigrate anyway that moment they were having for them, and only for them.
-I'll see you on the other side, Levi.- the blond man made as he turned around and headed towards the recruits, but Levi was quicker.
He grabbed him by a flap of his green cape, staring at him with a desperation in his eyes that he had seen very few times and that managed to melt that normally rigid, stoic, serious face.
-Erwin...- mouthed the raven, fully aware that he was behaving like a brat whose favorite toy was being taken from his hands, but he was stronger than him.
He suddenly felt lacking in the knowledge that he would lose him for good on the battlefield and that he would never again be able to meet him in the corridors of the headquarters or in his office intent on signing reports with his non-dominant hand.
The man himself looked at him apprehensively as he turned his head again. Levi lifted his grip from his cape, lowering his gaze to the ground and feeling his eyes fill more and more with the tears he had shed little and hardly over the years. Tears that he had never expected to shed for someone like him, for a man like him, so manipulative and bitchy but tender and funny when he wanted to be.
The one man who had been able to see him in his entirety, stripped of everything he had accumulated over the years that had made him the Levi everyone knew.
Erwin had seen him unclothed, both literally and otherwise, and no one else would be able to do the same; Levi knew that very well.
The commander sighed, sketching another smirk of his own as he went to stroke his dark head with his hand, feeling him slightly surrender to that simple but impactful touch.
-I know you're not good with words, but I figured it out, you know?- asked Erwin in a calm tone, causing him to raise his questioning gaze and cross it with his –What you're feeling, it's the same as what I'm feeling-
What exactly was he talking about? What specifically was he feeling that he was making comparisons even with himself? The raven asked himself while the other stroked his cheek, forcing him not to look away.
-Unfortunately, we were born into a world where this is not contemplated in the slightest, where we could die tomorrow, or today, where there is no time to think about anything else...- Erwin murmured, frowning in a distraught expression, his eye lingering on every little surface of Levi's face –But, since I will certainly never go back, it seems right to tell you what I never had the courage to tell you.-
He didn't believe it at first, the raven-haired man, because normally Erwin would tell him everything that was on his mind without making too much fuss. On the other hand, Levi was also much more straightforward than him on certain issues and was not shocked to talk about subjects that were not exactly in keeping with their role.
What was it that gave him such a distressed expression and made him seemingly more vulnerable than normal?
"We were born into a world where this is not contemplated in the slightest."
What was it, the desire for freedom? The desire to destroy those walls and escape from that cruel world?
Levi couldn't understand and at the same time he couldn't believe it, so much so that he longed for it to be explained before it was too late.
He had a sort of epiphany when he paused at the way he was looking into his eyes and still kept his hand on his cheek. He had always stared at him in that way that might have hinted at something disturbing, but at that moment Levi didn't think so at all. He looked at him as if he was addressing something precious, even though they had never made it clear what it was that they were both experiencing.
Yes, they fucked as soon as they got the chance, they kissed as often as they could, they slept together in each other's arms until the next morning...but neither of them had made it clear what those things alluded to.
Was it simply being comfortable in each other's company? Or was there something else that Levi had never considered because he was too busy slaying titans?
No, it couldn't have been just a notion of being comfortable in each other's company; there was definitely more to it than Levi realized. That wasn't the look that two comrades in arms exchanged, it wasn't even the look of two friends who had known each other for years, it wasn't any of that. He didn't look at Farlan or Isabel that way, he didn't even look at those brats that way.
Not even his mother, when "bad" people came into the house, would look at her with those bright eyes and that smile that could have meant a lot of things.
He realized that he would only be able to give such a look to him, why? Because simply with him he felt it, he felt he could open up like that, could reveal to him in other terms how he felt.
With Erwin he felt good, better than he expected, when they slept together he could not think about the nightmares that plagued him almost every night, when he let him touch him with those hands so willing he kept thinking he wanted more because it was not enough, when he kissed him he could feel sensations that until before seemed unknown to him...
It was something that he had felt only with him, and that he would have felt only with him, even if that suicide mission had failed and he had let himself be run over by the rocks thrown by that titan of shit and hair.
He didn't know how to name that feeling, mostly because no one had taught him.
Levi knew only the maternal love, the one that his mother had imparted to him with care since his birth, he knew the love in the sense of friendship, the one that had failed the moment he had seen the bodies of Farlan and Isabel at his feet, in that rain that hid his tears well.
He didn't know that side of love that everyone talked about, but that he was almost afraid of.
He didn't know what it meant to "love" someone, he had never experienced it and no one had ever explained to him how it worked.
Could it be love, what I feel for him?
He wondered as he saw him open his mouth to speak, horror in his gaze.
-Levi, I...- Erwin didn't have time to finish his sentence, because the man himself launched himself at him, sinking his head into his chest covered by the green cape that reeked of dust and blood, but that Levi didn't seem to care in the least.
The commander felt himself brush against his back, a sign that he was trying to embrace him slowly.
-Levi?-
-Don't say it...- hissed the smaller of the two hiding his face more in his clothes.
-What?- the blond man urged him to brush his shoulder, then caress it.
He had heard a slight sob, but maybe he had just imagined it.
-What you mean...- the raven-haired man insisted, sniffling softly –I...I understand what you mean, no need to clarify it.-
He had never said he loved a person and, at the same time, he had never heard himself say it.
He had probably only thought about it over the years, but he had considered it a trivial thing and had left it out. He'd probably even thought about it when he was letting Erwin kiss him, or when he was telling him about his past and laughing at certain anecdotes, or when he was helping him sign reports or being helped to clean up.
He knew he would tell him, he could see it in his eyes, and he couldn't stop crying.
Bitter, hot, regret-filled tears wet the fabric of those clothes, mixing with drops of congealed human blood, creating a disgusting mixture that Levi didn't even notice at the expense of his phobia of dirt.
Erwin was there, and he was touching him.
Erwin was there, and if he hadn't stopped him, he would have told him he loved him.
Erwin was there...and that would be the last time.
Don't go...
He found himself thinking, as he called himself pathetic for losing his composure. He was crying exactly as he did when he was a child, inexperienced with life and totally orphaned in the midst of that world of adults armed with knives.
There must be another way....
He had to think of another strategy before Erwin took off towards the battlefield.
He had to move quickly or everyone would die but him.
He had to move or he would die.
-Levi, hey...- the older man called him back softly, raising his voice slightly higher so that he could be heard over the screams of the soldiers not far from them.
-You should have told me before, you should have...- what would have happened if he had? Would he have given up on the war and asked him to retire? Would they have gone to live together in the mountains away from everything and everyone?
None of that, and Levi was aware of that underneath.
The tears didn't stop, but seemed to increase.
Erwin took him by the shoulders and slowly pulled him away from himself, so he could look once again into those eyes that had become more swollen although he tried to hide it by staring at him with an expression that was always rigid.
-I told you, the world we live in has no place for this.- the blond man repeated in a mortified tone, going back to caressing his face to remove his tears –If we ever find ourselves in another life, that will be the first thing I tell you.-
Another life...
Although he didn't believe in the kind of reincarnation that Hange had told him about some time ago, he considered it a tempting idea.
They would find themselves in a more forgiving world, with no titans, no weapons, no death waiting maliciously at every corner. They would have all the time in the world to get to know each other, to appreciate each other's company again and to strengthen the bond that almost everyone envied.
His gaze turned glassy, he didn't smile at the thought of what would have to happen to make that thing happen.
-Who says we'd remember everything?- the raven objected as he looked into his eyes, noting with hope how close he had come to his face.
Erwin's eyes glazed over, he considered Levi on finding him so close.
-Do you trust me?- he didn't fully answer the question, but offered him another alternative to which he knew Levi would never say no.
He found his mouth so close to his own that he automatically closed his eyes, completely aware of what was going to happen.
-Always.- he said in a low tone, resetting the slightest distance between their faces that became almost frustrating. They kissed as they did the first time, barely touching each other, shyly and with fear of daring too much even though they had known each other for years and had done it countless times before.
Levi's tears continued to fall, but Erwin did not see them because he kept his eyes closed as if to isolate the soldiers' screams and the distant roar of the rocks thrown from their moment.
Levi knew and smelled good even though they were in that dusty, stinking mess of sweat, blood and despair.
They broke away after a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, and then looked into each other's eyes for the last time, forehead to forehead, breath held against a slightly more labored one for fear of letting him go.
Levi inebriated himself with his scent and with that gaze that he knew how to devote only to him in their most intimate moments, when he stripped off his commander's uniform and showed himself for what he was.
Words that remained inside their mouths because they knew there would have been a better time to say them, tears that were held back to show how much they were suffering for that bond that was not planned but that had been the salvation of both of them.
Erwin was nothing without Levi, and Levi was nothing without Erwin.
Erwin would have died a million times over if the raven had not come to his rescue, and Levi would have died without ever seeing the light of day if the other had not appeared in the Underground to disrupt his life.
They detached themselves slowly, then, pretending that nothing had happened, returning towards the desperate recruits with the expressions of those who had surely lived better days, looking at the ground to avoid being invaded again by yet another motion of sadness.
Levi watched him ride off, cheering the soldiers on as he soared through the air, keeping one last eye on him between cut scruffs. He always managed to be so stoic even in the face of death, what a strange man, he thought as he sharpened his gaze to cut the nape of those titans with as much precision as possible.
He saw the Beast Titan not far away, intent on throwing more stones with all the tranquility in the world while all the soldiers went after him with those desperate expressions that Levi had seen so many times in life that he was used to them, but he would never have succeeded.
He heard the screams of his men when he saw how those rocks were approaching, but no one moved from the formation and they all let themselves be guided by their commander towards a certain death.
-My soldiers, rage! My soldiers, scream! My soldiers, fight!-
He seemed to hear his own voice before he stepped into a blanket of smoke caused by the smoke bombs and evaporating bodies of the titans he had just killed.
He didn't even have time to associate that exalted tone with his shitface that he realized the rocks had impacted the ground and the houses in the distance.
There was sudden silence, then, and Levi understood.
"See you on the other side."
His words came back to him, just a few of them, as he bit his lip lest he be forced to cry even during that massacre of titans he was carrying out in total silence and undisturbed.
He looked at the sky as long as he didn't look at the ground that would surely be covered with blood and remains of corpses. That sky that since his childhood he had dreamed of being able to fly when he saw the soldiers taking flight in the underground city looking for some petty thief to arrest. That sky that could be disturbing, especially on rainy days or when the thunderbolts broke on the ground, but also a dispenser of peace and tranquility as when it snowed or when there were no clouds of any kind.
You'd better remember me, Erwin Smith. I'm not going to risk killing you again.
He said to himself, holding back a bitter laugh, then pressed the throttle even harder and pushed forward again, enjoying the air that caressed his hair.
So high in the sky the world didn't even seem as cruel as everyone said it was.