Chapter Text
Bedelia's lounge was diligently curated, all plush blues, natural greenery and harsh whites - albeit not as lovingly crafted as her office was when she was still a 'practicing' psychiatrist.
"I actually find the idea of soulmates to be repulsive."
He had been discussing his secretary with Bedelia. She found it curious how she would run away with her soulmate so hastily and without telling anyone, he agreed - and decided this was as good as any time to bring up his unorthodox opinions on this topic.
"I always assumed you'd be the more romantic type."
Bedelia spoke in a voice slightly louder than whispers but gentler and with much more grace - the cadence she always chose to use when in sessions with her patients. This was a courtesy she also extended to Hannibal. The only occasion he could recall when she faltered in keeping it calm was when she shoved Neal Frank's tongue down his throat. She was an excellent psychiatrist.
"This surprises you?"
Her own version of Hannibal is proven to be insufficient yet again.
Bedelia couldn't really know the real him, just as anyone can't truly know anyone - only a version of himself exists within her own mind that is influenced by her own biases and beliefs. Bedelia cautiously rebuilt this Hannibal look alike with every session that passes with them, she rebuilds and destroys her own Hannibal just as meticulously as he renovates his mind palace.
"You always surprise me Hannibal."
And he always will - as Bedelia will always purposefully leave faults in her structure hoping for them to eventually become completed with information she doesn't have access to; and never will. That's the problem with her mind's rendition of him.
She leaves imperfections in her design - Instead of filling them in with incorrect assumptions she leaves it incomplete and incomprehensible. What is preferable? One means you believe an incorrect interpretation, the other means you will never truly know them in any form. One of the many unfortunate limitations of the human mind.
"People who are resistant to the idea of soulmates usually have one or two similarities. I've had patients who didn't like the idea. Do you have a soulmate?"
Hannibal wished he could say no.
Perhaps a carefully built structure is the wrong metaphor; it's more comparable to a painstakingly drawn sketch. One you can never truly complete and continue going over in eraser just as much as pencil.
He ponders what adjustments and additions she will make to her outline after this session. Will it become nearer to the true him? Or drift further from Hannibal with every brush of the pencil.
"What are those similarities?"
Soulmates was a topic Hannibal attempted to distance himself from as much as possible. While every culture held them in high regard some were more guilty of this than others - Lithuania being the least romantic about the concept and America being the most in his experience.
"The most common type is somebody who doesn't have a soulmate and hates the idea because of how much society values something they don't and can't have."
"The 'If I can't have it, then it must not be good' philosophy."
"I would be surprised if that was you."
"It Isn't."
"So you have a soulmate?"
"I do."
He hadn't admitted that to anyone in a long time.
"You've never mentioned this."
"You never brought it up and it was never relevant."
"It's impolite to ask someone if they have a soulmate and it was relevant many times. You were the one who never brought it up."
"I did bring it up. Just now in fact."
What actually reminded him of "his" soulmate was the awful headaches he's been having the past few weeks, that was also how he got the idea to say his secretary ran off with her own destined partner. She was frightfully rude.
"You've been avoiding this subject until now."
Deliberately. Bedelia rose up from her chair and began to pour herself a glass of a white wine.
"Yes."
"Red or white?"
"Red."
Hannibal answered.
He looked through the pure glass windows into the garden behind them; as with everything Bedelia did it was incredibly thought out and had the utmost effort put into it. It was beautiful, to understate it, with ivy spreading high across the walls and poisonous flora of every colour - flowers that crudely translated into 'danger'. Hannibal smiled. That was very like Bedelia.
"Why bring it up with me?"
"I was curious what you'd think."
"I'm thinking if you do or don't fit into the second most common type of people who hate the idea of soulmates."
"And that is?"
Bedelia passed Hannibal his glass. It was vintage.
"People who have a soulmate but do not possess the name of their soulmate. This causes immense insecurity due to the anxiety of the person wondering why their soulmate hasn't found them yet, and if they aren't good enough. And because they can't do anything about this anxiety but wait, then that anxiety turns to resentment as they are unable to gain closure."
Hannibal sipped his wine. Bedelia had excellent taste as usual.
"That one doesn't fit me either, as I have my soulmate's name."
Bedilia sat back down and finished her glass of wine before speaking again.
"I suspected that it didn't fit you. I didn't expect that you'd have their name."
"I don't remember it currently."
"That doesn't sound like you, you have a near perfect memory. I've never heard of someone who has forgotten their soulmate's name."
"I have an excellent grasp on my memory. I can choose to forget whatever I wish too."
"I'd be surprised if you've forgotten completely."
"I always surprise you."
"I'd guess that your soulmate's name is locked up in some deep dark corner of your mind palace."
"Deep" implies basement, it's actually hidden out in the open - a room with walls made of pure glass that let's the sunlight pour in, on the highest floor in the palace. Ready to be replaced with the memory of their murder as soon as possible.
"You are correct."
"Is any other information on your soulmate stored there?"
"No. I don't know anything about my soulmate other than his name."
The revelation of his name came a year after Mischa had died and before he created his own mind palace - he repeated over and over again until it became even more bitter in his mouth than the first. It was a relief to forget it.
"You didn't even research him after finding out? Now that is shocking. Especially for you Hannibal."
Hannibal learned his soulmate's name at a very young age, he wondered if he'd have researched him if he learned of him at a more conventional age? He probably would've located him and murdered him right away instead of waiting like he was doing now.
"I wouldn't say it is too shocking for me as I have already established I don't like the idea of soulmates."
"And why is that?"
"What's the next most common category?"
"People who've fallen in love with someone who isn't their soulmate."
If he was being generous he would say the category crudely fit him.
"Do these people usually have soulmates?"
"It surprises me you aren't more well versed in the topic of soulmates."
Her gaze was as icy blue as it ever was but her stare seemed more intense today.
"I avoid the subject."
"Sometimes. Sometimes not."
"Either way the sentiment is the same. Everyone is constantly telling you that there's something better than the thing you love."
"Yes. As far as I'm aware you haven't had any romantic attachments recently?"
"Another thing you'd be correct on, Bedelia."
"Why is that?"
His mind went over all romantic interests that have approached him in the last decade or so… None of them stood out in his mind, and for some how they died hadn't even managed to be interesting.
"Opportunities arose. None seemed ideal."
"Hmm… you don't fit perfectly into this category either?"
"Not perfectly."
"Despite it being a leap in logic, Part of me suspects you fit into the fourth."
"That being?"
"A person who has loved someone before who died. Who feels insulted by the Idea they could ever love again."
And she was right.
His mind always thought of mischa first when the word love was spoken.
"And that would be a leap in logic because?"
"I'm not aware of any prior romantic attachments you have either."
"Who says love must be romantic?"
"That was an assumption, I suppose."
Hannibal blinked.
"Do you have a soulmate?"
"No and I'm glad I don't."
"Are you uncomfortable with the idea as well?"
"I suppose I fit into the fifth category. People who think the idea of being incomplete is horrifying and to have a person marked permanently onto your soul, an idea for horror novels and not romance ones."
"To that I overwhelmingly agree."
Every sign that his soulmate presented only seemed to make him hate his soulmate further. The shared taste led him to tasting truly dreadful food and hunger more often than not - hunger was a sensation that he'd preferably never experience again but his soulmate insisted on forcing it upon him almost daily.
"So you don't fit into category four then."
"I said I fit into category five not that I do not match the fourth."
"Hmm. What are you more repulsed by? The concept of soulmates or the idea of your own specific one?"
His own 'specific' soulmate was very worthy of disdain. The mutual pain had a habit of aggravating Hannibal at very inconvenient times. One occasion, he was while designing a crime scene he was caught off guard by a stabbing pain to his shoulder. That had almost lost him his dinner.
"Both ideas can apply to my situation."
"Can you tell me what you would do if you ever met your soulmate?"
Torture them within an inch of breath and eat their heart in the most ornate meal he'll have yet crafted.
"Reject them."
'Stronger the signs, stronger the bond' as they say. His signs were extraordinarily strong.
"Does it disturb you that your soulmate will have expectations that you will fail to meet?"
'Stronger the signs, stronger the bond' as they say. His signs were extraordinarily strong. If his soulmate's signs were just as strong would they be expecting a stronger bond? Would they be shocked to find out Hannibal cares little for them at all?
"I am the one with their name. I doubt we will meet except by chance."
"That was what I was talking about Hannibal, by not meeting him you are breaking his heart. You have his name, he's waiting for you. And probably has been for a long time given your age."
Hannibal can't remember when the signs started exactly, he worked hard to forget memories related to his 'other half', but it was after mischa died or just before. Either way, there was at least an 8 year and difference.
"Won't he be more disappointed by having his soulmate reject him outright than just by implication?"
"I think if you rejected him outright it would give him closure."
"I suppose he would fit into category two then."
"Hmm… I don't mean to be rude when I say this, Hannibal."
"And what is that?"
"Most people who dislike the idea of soulmates, change their mind when they meet their own."
"I doubt I would change my mind."
"The point still stands. Does the idea of a person changing so much about you in one meeting unsettle you?"
"Of course."
"If you did change your mind, what would you do?"
Hannibal stared at Bedelia for a few very long seconds, her gaze in return was unfaltering and icy blue.
"I possess my soulmate's name. I am in complete control of whether I meet him or not. The possibility of my mind changing depends on me meeting him, something I do not intend to do."
Yet.
"You may meet by chance."
Hannibal wanted to scoff at that.
Hannibal instead responded in as close to a groan as he could probably manage.
"That is exceedingly unlikely."