Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

With everyone’s orders out of the way, all that Rio had to do was to prepare everything, and on the way to doing that he would fix up the tent that Doppo had… tried to set up to protect Kuko. As he went to do that, Doppo reentered the campsite. He held some arugula in his hand tightly as he strode about in a boring businessman fashion over to where Kuko was still passed out.

However, he was unable to complete his journey, because without warning, he was jumped by some ne’er-do-wells hiding in a nearby shrubbery. Just his luck, honestly.

“Scoopy Banoopy, there you are!” Hifumi wiped the sweat off his forehead, wiping the dirt from his hands onto his face in the process. “I’ve been trekking through this forest for hours, maybe even years! I didn’t realize that I had no idea where the fuck I was until I looked around and realized, hey, I don’t know where the fuck I am! Thankfully, Ramuda 69 here had a map on him!” He gestured to the maid-costume-wearing aforementioned Ramuda 69 who looked a little bit pissed off. “That was such a huge relief. Until I realized I didn’t know where the fuck we were, so the map was useless! Sorry Ramuda 69.”

The clone flipped him off.

[LAUGH TRACK]

“Hifumi, what are you wearing?” Doppo was speechless, except for that sentence.

The host was wearing a maid outfit. A full on maid outfit. Imagine a maid outfit, then imagine Hifumi wearing one, and that’s what Doppo was seeing. Wow. If only Jyuto wasn’t in hour five of his sign spinning, he would be able to see Hifumi in a maid outfit too. Doppo made a mental note to ask Hifumi for a picture later, before realizing that he had more questions.

“And… Why is he here?...”

“For friendship, perhaps?” Hifumi shrugged. He moved over to put an arm around his bestie.

[“WAS THAT AN UTENA REFERENCE?” (GUNSHOTS)]

“Just kidding!” Hifumi did a cute pose. “There is no perhaps, we’re friends for life! Besties for the resties! When one of us dies, it’s all over!”

The Ramuda clone did a cutesy pose as a response.

Uh. That answered that? More importantly. Hifumi actually looked awful. Doppo hadn’t noticed it before due to his focus on the whole maid outfit thing, but Hifumi was covered in dirt and had twigs in his hair. For some reason, though, the Ramuda clone looked… fine. Like he had been perfectly preserved in someone's closet and recently taken out and dusted off.

“... More importantly, Hifumi, why do you look like someone just tried to bury you alive?”

[LAUGH TRACK]

“Ahahaha~! Well, you see Doppochin! I had a sneaking suspicion that you wanted me to wear a maid outfit, so naturally I asked Ramsies69 for one! But then I decided, ‘Hey! Let’s wear a maid outfit with Ramsies69,” The Ramuda clone smiled and linked arms with Hifumi.

The host booped his friend’s nose. “Ahahah~ So we did that, we left the house in our maid costumes, I forgot what we were supposed to be doing so we decided to get some smoothies to help me think, but I remembered that I actually hate smoothies! So we decided to buy some kale to make our own smoothies so that I might actually not hate them! But then I remembered... if you want a smoothie to taste good, you don’t put kale in it! But as I was putting the kale in the smoothie anyway, Ramsies69 accidently broke one of the photos in our house, of my dead relative who looks a lot like Karl Marx~! But then I remembered! I was going to go to the Yokohama forest to… uh… do something!” Hifumi gesticulated wildly as he spoke.

“Then we got lost in the woods for a couple of hours, I fell in the dirt a couple of times, I climbed a tree, Ramuda 69 and I shared our deepest darkest secrets, now I’m all caught up on the Hypmic lore - and how Bad Ass Temple won the 2nd Division rap battle by giving Kuko a gun - and here I am~!”

Ramuda 69 did another cutesy pose at the end of the story. Noticing this, Hifumi also did a cutesy pose.

Doppo did not do a cutesy pose. He instead inhaled, imagining calming thoughts about his boss that are too violent to include without upping the rating, and exhaled. He didn’t have time to unpack all of that.

The pitter-patter of a little five foot one rapper interrupted his peaceful violent fantasies.

“Heyy~ So, Gentawo was actually lying when he placed his order~! He’s such a silly billy~, ahahaha... I dream of kissing him beneath the…” Ramuda trailed off as his gaze moved to meet his doppelganger in a maid suit, who was still doing a cutesy pose.

[TWO OF THEM]

Doppo became so stressed out that his hair instantly turned completely white, all fell out, and then regrew back in its normal color. How was he going to explain to Ramuda that there was another Ramuda with them. And in a maid costume! What if he thought that Doppo and Hifumi were some kind of weirdos?! Well... He looked over to Hifumi, who was still covered in dirt, struggling to maintain his cutesy pose despite the fact that… he really didn’t need to.

Hifumi was a bit of a weirdo. But that was part of his charm. That aside, Doppo didn’t want Ramuda to think that -

“Wow~! You guys are weird ahahaha~!” The candyman pointed and laughed at the two maid costume besties, causing them both to collapse in shame. Or perhaps their stamina had finally given out. Doppo decided he wouldn’t be sticking around to find out, and walked into the forest to take a mental health break. Again.

“Um! That was unnecessarily rude!” Hifumi frowned at Ramuda. Ramuda 69 bounced over to Ramuda, wrapping his hands around his arm.

“Um? What are you doing lil clone boy?” Ramuda confusedly into the face that mirrored his.

Ramuda 69 smiled at him.

“Little clone boy? I don’t know you?”

Ramuda 69 moved his maid headband from his own head onto Ramuda’s. The candyman blinked, stunned.

“O-okay.” He adjusted the headband on his head, then looked at Ramuda 69. “This is completely against my character, as I am known to be someone who only truly connects with someone after a long period of time and trust, but we’re brothers now.” He shared a smile with his clone. “Youwu and I are connected foreversies~! Ahaha! I hope your story is not one that concludes in tragedy! Uwu!”

Ramuda 69’s eyes shone as he three-faced so hard his cheeks hurt. As fun as it had been to spend time with Hifumi earlier today, it was so good to find someone who had shared such a similar life experience as him. A… a family. Yes, that’s what he found. He turned away from Ramuda’s happy eyes to hide his watering ones. He found a family.

Just then, a loud toilet flush could be heard from the woods. Was there a… bathroom in there? Rei Amayado sauntered out of the trees, and he clearly wouldn’t answer any questions at the moment. He motioned for Dice to come over, wiped his hands dry on the man, and then handed him twenty Canadian dollars, before approaching Ramuda nonchalantly, not even seeming to notice the fact that there were two of him. Huh… almost like he’s… familiar with the presence of Ramuda clones…? No… that’d be silly…

[REI AMAYADO]

“Oh, hey, Ramuda, you know that true hypnosis mic I gave you as a free gift with purchase for that artiFISHial pink lionfish I gave you a couple of episodes ago?”

“Hmmm~” Ramuda took the arm that had been wrapped around his new brother and moved it so that his finger was pressing on his chin in a thoughtful motion. “RiUwU threw it and it broke!”

“Well, fuck you, then. I was about to ask for it back. How are you gonna pay me back for that thing?”

“Oopsie woopsie! I guewss I made a fuckie wuckie!” Ramuda flipped Rei off, clearly having some pent-up anger at the man. Ramuda69 clutched his clone’s arm tightly. “Listen you cock sucking weasel, you've been bumming off of social insurance for the last ten years and you wanna talk about my income? I bet you owe the government thousands you scamming leech. I hope you know that the day the Tax collector comes to your house to take everything you own, which mind you isn't that much. I'LL be the one waiting in line to take all of it. You absolute Neanderthal, you check forging hound. Count your fucking blessings because you're gonna be living off Sunday church dinners and scraps when I get you kicked on to the streets. You wait until I get on the phone with IRS you panhandling, wallet swiping, no good raggedy piece of trash. You shake that cup all day and get fuck all yet you won't go get a job. You blind bastard, the opportunities are right in front of you! Do you not see that sign that says ‘$5 to fill out a survey on low income daily lives,’, you knick knock kneed prick.”

“Excuse you, I’m a DILF.”

“You actually have to be a dad to be a DILF, soooo…~” Ramuda shrugged and glared at Rei Amayado.

“You watch your tongue, boy.”

“I can’t! My eyes can’t physically do that, Ama-asshole-ya-doo-doo!”

While the insult seemed not to have an effect on Rei Amayado, deep down he was hurt. How could he say that…?

“Very easily! Ramuda 69, get his ass!”

The Ramuda clone nodded, and stepped up to the metaphorical plate, which was an actual plate, because someone had been naughty and fucking littered in the woods. He raised his fist in the air to display… the true hypnosis microphone from episode eight! Wait a second, I thought the other Ramuda had that…?

“Wait, I thought the other - I mean, I thought that was in my pocket. When did you swipe that, you silly rascal?”

Ramuda 69 threw up a peace sign with his unoccupied hand, which answered everyone’s questions. He raised the mic to his lips, and…

“”WAIT! Ramuda 69, be careful!” Ramuda cried. “That microphone is broken in a really specific way, if you -”

Ramuda 69 began to expertly beatbox into the microphone, either unable to hear or purposefully ignoring the other Ramuda’s warning. Rei Amayado braced himself for the power of the true hypnosis mic, and…

“RAMUDA 69, NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Ramuda screamed. “If you beatbox, the world will end!”

Rei Amayado gasped.

Rio Mason Busujima gasped.

Doppo Kannonzaka gasped.

Hifumi Izanami gasped.

Jyuto Iruma carefully halted his sign spinning, gently placed the sign on the ground, and then gasped, for reasons beyond his understanding.

[LAUGH TRACK]

Ramuda chuckled.

“Oh, I mean, just his world will end. Lolsies! Sowwy for scaring you! You should have seen your faces though. Anyway…” The Ramuda clone collapsed to the ground. “NOOOOO!”

Ramuda wrapped his arms around his clone, sadly, tenderly. He gently caressed his face.

“69… you were only 36…. You had so much life to live!”

Hifumi looked confusedly at the two. “Wait, Ramuda, I thought you were only 24, why is this guy 36?”

Clone 69 let out a cough, blood seeping through his mouth. “I… I’m built different.” He gestured for Ramuda to come closer to him. Ramuda put their faces close together, where the clone let out a small whisper, only for Ramuda to hear before closing his eyes one last time².

At his clone’s death, Ramuda let out a loud wail of anguish. A wail that grabbed everyone's attention, including Saburo’s, sufficiently distracting him from preventing Jiro from eating any cheesecake for just a moment.

But that moment was all Jiro needed.

Once his brother stopped preventing him from eating dairy, Jiro took a large as fuck bite out of a cheesecake. Saburo turned back just in time to see his brother wiping the crumbs away from his face.

“Jiro… you didn’t…”

“Didn’t what, brat?” Yeah no, the cheesecake hadn’t been worth it. It was only okay. Honestly, cheesecake sounds like such a good tasting thing, but the texture was just not appetizing. And, it made his stomach feel awful the second it entered his system.

[JAWS THEME]

Oh shit wait he was lactose intolerant.

He collapsed onto the floor in pain, grabbing the attention of his other siblings.

“Jiro, what’s wrong???” Ichiro looked frantically at the dying teenager, searching for any kind of response.

“Aniki… I messed up…” Jiro fucking passed out.

“Jiro?? JIRO!?” Ichiro tried to get his brother to wake up, but nothing worked. Samatoki was nearby, looking around for what caused his brother to pass out. He noticed some crumbs near Jiro. Some… cheesecake crumbs…

[JAWS THEME]

But that would mean… someone let Jiro eat cheesecake… the chef let Jiro eat cheesecake, knowing that he was lactose intolerant???

This. This was no bueno. This means war. WAR WAR WAR. shit wrong song reference. I mean BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE. Wait no it wasn't. Oops.

WAR WAR WAR. REASON TO FIGHT. LIGHT SHADOW. JOY FOR STRUGGLE. BATTLE OF PRIDE (gay). DEATH RESPECT.

“Wow! That was a nice reference to the 2nd DRB songs! Hahaha!” Sasara fluttered his fan gayly. He had been watching everything going on, seeing as his lover had left him to check out those waters. But it’s fine! He’s not bitter at all! And actually, this was giving him some great inspiration for a few new proposal ideas he was cooking up.

“Jakurai, a child just collapsed onto the ground in anguish.” Hitoya glanced over to Jiro, who was a child who had just collapsed onto the ground in anguish. “You’re a doctor, shouldn’t you do something?”

“Ah, yes.” Jakurai put a finger to his chin and glanced over at the drama that had been unfolding. The 6’3” doctor stood up from his seat on the floor, in all of his 6’3” glory. He opened his lips to let out a single word. “Fascinating…”

He sat back down and smiled serenely.

Hitoya blinked. “That’s all you’re going to do?”

“Hitoya, I am an ex machina. While it would fuel my savior complex to do something, to make things interesting I must be rendered useless.”

“Then why not just leave if you’re not going to do anything...?”

“Ah, well you see,” Jakurai closed his eyes and enjoyed the pleasant scenery, “I don’t know.”

[LAUGH TRACK]

“Huh.” Hitoya sipped his water. He glanced over in Jiro’s direction, pity in his eyes. As much as he would like to do something, it’s not like there was anything he could do. Sue Jiro? Sue Ichiro? Sue Rei Amayado - who still hadn’t come back to their date, despite the fact that he could clearly see him causing drama over by those small pink men. Nothing that he could do would help, he was afraid.

He continued to sip his water. As he did so, Rosho exited the water-area, and froze as he came face-to-face with the scene of Jiro dying and Samatoki staring awkwardly at him.

“Rosho, you’re back~!” Sasara waved as he ran up to his boyfriend.

Rosho looked around at the… everything that was currently going down. He took a deep breath to clear his head, before seemingly coming to a conclusion.

“There's so much going on... Sasara.” The comedian looked at the teacher. “The world is so confusing, and nothing is really certain, is there?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but go on, I love hearing you talk!”

“Life is short, and there’s never any guarantee that you’ll ever live up to your own expectations… it feels like nothing lasts, and everything goes by so quickly…”

Rosho took a deep breath, and got down on one knee.

“R-Rosho?” Sasara’s eyes widened.

“Sasara Nurude. Will you make me the happiest man in the world…” He held the comedian’s hand and presented him with the ring. “And show everyone that our love is endu-ring?”

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

“You... You punned?!”

“I just proposed to you, and you’re excited about the fact that I told a silly joke?” Rosho sighed and stood up. “I take it back, I’m leaving.”

“NOOOOOO! I do! Yes! No take-backs!” Sasara tackled Rosho back to the ground, shouting his acceptance of the proposal for everyone in attendance to hear. Hitoya and Jakurai looked on at the sight.

The lawyer sighed. “Honestly, I don’t think Rei is coming back for the rest of our date. I literally saw him over there with that pink guy before he turned into a pile of dust…”

“I’m sorry to hear that Hitoya.” Jakurai frowned. “Why don’t I take you out in his stead?”

“As in… a date? Or… an assassination…?”

“Oh Hitoya,” The doctor smiled serenely, “It’s only an assasssination if the murder is politically motivated.”

Hitoya checked this episode’s script. Well, it said that he exited here, so what else could he really do other than follow his childhood friend/possible murderer?

“Fine, let’s just leave before anything else happens.”

“Gladly.” And with that, the two old men left, never to be seen again for the rest of this season, and in Hitoya’s case, possibly never to be seen again for the rest of this series. How nice.

Meanwhile, Sasara had just been proposed to.

“WOW! That’s nice! Good for you Sasara, you’re engaged!” Samatoki called over to the two, only to be completely ignored. “I’m glad you’re having a good time, my brother just died, and you’re being proposed to!”

“Wha?” Sasara was a little bit busy, doing gayboy activites and all.

Samatoki sighed. “Anyway... back to the point.” He glared at the cheesecake crumbs near his dead youngest-middle brother. Who was responsible for this?! Ichiro and Nemu were headed over to Rio in the kitchen, and Saburo was busy trying to drag Jiro’s dead body out of the forest. Being the only one left, Samatoki had to take the role of the justifiably pissed off older brother.

Just then, Doppo made the unfortunate decision to return from the forest, where he had been taking a mental health break.

One that he would definitely need to take again, because as soon as Samatoki saw him everything went to hell.

“YOU!”

Doppo immediately turned around to go back to the forest.

“YOU SON OF AN ABS GET BACK HERE AND MAKE MY SECOND-YOUNGEST BABY BROTHER NOT DEAD ANY MORE. I SWEAR IMMA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND -”

Saburo pulled on Samatoki’s sleeve, interrupting him.

“Can you give me the car keys? I’m taking Jiro home.” Saburo rolled his eyes. Jiro better buy him so many snacks after this.

“Oh, yeah sure. You remember how the windshield wipers work, yeah? It looks like rain.” The yakuza glanced up at the sky before fishing Jyuto’s car keys from his pocket.

“Of course I do. I’m not an -” He turned to face Jiro’s dead corpse, “IDIOT like some other people are.”

Jiro coughed twice.

“That’s fine. Imma tear this guy -” Samatoki gestured to Doppo, who had been trying to exit the premises while he had been distracted. Samatoki is never distracted though. He's too cool for that kind of shit. “A new one.”

The youngest Yamada glanced over to the salaryman, who seemed to be looking at him for help. Fine. “You shouldn't do that. I guess.” He shifted his weight to the left. “Jiro’s fine, he’s just being overdramatic.”

“Saburo… I’m dying!” Jiro groaned. “And you dragging me around like a dead corpse isn’t helping!” He then went back into his death-like state.

“If you’re going to act like you’re dead, I’m treating you like you’re dead.” He waved to Samatoki. “See you later, bye Toki-nii.” He looked over to Doppo. “Good luck.” Then went his not-so-merry way.

The white-haired man stood there for a second, feeling proud of his brothers for taking care of each other. His eyes shifted towards Doppo, who was a good 6-feet away from him at this point.

He wanted to punch him. Doppo had a very punchable-looking face, but… Samatoki remembered Saburo’s words. He settled for glaring at the salaryman instead.

Doppo didn’t really know how to respond to that. He wanted to hide away for the rest of his life, but he had a cafe to run. So he stood his ground. Meaning that, instead of running away to Texas, he squatted down and began mumbling his apologies for whatever had happened - as he had literally no context for Samatoki’s anger and simply assumed that it was justifiably directed at him.

It really wasn’t. Samatoki just wanted to beat up whoever had the gall to poison his brother in front of him. Just then, Rio and Hifumi appeared near him, followed closely by Nemu and Ichiro. The soldier had been attempting to give the deceased Ramuda69 a proper funeral, but seeing as Ramuda Ramuda was mournfully clutching his dust particles and wouldn’t let go, he decided to do it another time. That, and Nemu and Ichiro had told him that Jiro died. Well. Nemu did. Ichiro was being led by his sister as he sobbed his eyes out. Actually, it’s kind of sad how much he loved his brothers. Sad like, ‘aw they’re all he has because he left his parents’, not sad like ‘fuckin loser’.

“Samatoki, what happened? Your siblings just told me that your second youngest brother has died.” If someone had died, then Rio could probably do something to help. He was Rio.

“Yeah, someone poisoned Jiro. He was my Mac-And-Cheese buddy and I won’t let whoever did this get away with it!” Samatoki glared once more at Doppo, who was crouched down on the floor, acting mad sussy.

“Mac and Cheese buddy? That’s what me and Jyuto are~!” Hifumi apparently didn’t care that someone had been murdered. Honestly, he had just been trying to hang out with his boyfriend in the tent-kitchen when Nemu and Ichiro had burst in. It’s such a sad life for Hifumi, isn’t it.

“Yes, they’re Mac and Cheese buddies.” Rio smiled at his boyfriend, then sharpened his gaze at Samatoki. “Please stop glaring at Doppo, he didn’t do anything.” The soldier held out a hand to his boyfriend, helping him up and holding him in his arms, gently, like one would hold a… a lot of things. He looked at his leader. “Do you know what happened?”

Nemu began to explain everything to Rio. Ichiro tried to help, bless his soul, but with all the tears you would need above-average-bordering-on-superhuman audio comprehension to understand him. Luckily, Rio did, so things were going smoothly.

Dice, having finished consoling Ramuda, now watched the drama unfold with the rest of Fling Posse. Sure, Ramuda had just lost someone he had considered to be his brother for like 3 seconds and was in a state of irreparable grief, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a lover of petty drama. They all were.

“So, basically, this is all because of the cheesecake special…”

“Cheesecake?” Dice perked up. He grinned at Samatoki and gave a thumbs up. “Hey, I brought that cheesecake! I stole it from Best Buy and gave it to Rio as a gift, I didn’t even know they sold it there. OH!” He nodded to himself, not noticing the murderous expressions on both Samatoki and Ichiro’s faces. “That’s probably why I had to steal it. You know, I am a catboy, and catboy’s gotta cat, yaknow like NYAAAHH!”

Dice’s catboyish sounds of mischief morphed into a scream of terror as Samatoki grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

“You.” Was all he said. His eyes did the rest of the talking. And oh boy were they saying some very rude and honestly not very cash money things!

“Hey man, if you wanted more cheesecake then you can steal some yourself -”

Samatoki’s eyes widened as he found himself unable to speak. So instead, a teary-eyed Ichiro did so instead. “Dice how could you say that?! Jiro’s d-d...” Ichiro took a moment to compose himself. He breathed in then out deeply.

“Jiro’s dead! Or dying… I’m not sure, we should’ve gone after Jakurai and asked him to take a look… he can’t have gotten too far, honestly… but that ain’t the point!” Samatoki pointed at Dice. “YOU did this. You’re the reason there was even cheesecake in the first place. We all know that Jiro’s lactose intolerant, and we all know that he doesn’t give a single shit, and he eats lactose products anyway. So we need to keep ‘em away from him… but you brought cheesecake to this god forsaken forest, and now Jiro’s DEAD! Or DYING. Why I oughtta…” He wound up his hand in a decisive ‘why I oughtta’ motion, but a loud yell stopped him before he could throw his fist into Dice’s face.

“STOP!” A voice rang out through the campsite.

“Who the hell - wait the kids aren’t within earshot, I can say fuck - who the fuck just told me to stop?!” Samatoki turned his tunnel-vision of rage to the body that had just moved next to Dice. It was Ramuda. The alive one. It's too soon to make that joke sorry.

[LAUGH TRACK]

His face was wet with tears, but he stood by Dice, moving to hold his hand. Following his leader’s example, Gentaro did the same, giving the gambler a flirty little wink.

“Ramuda? Your guy tried to kill my brother. Don’t try to stop me from beating his ass!” Samatoki growled.

Ramuda glared at Samatoki. “Do you really think that I’d let you hurt him?” His voice deepened, revealing its natural pitch. “Fucking dumbass.”

“Fucking dumbass.” Gentaro echoed before stepping closer to Samatoki. “We wouldst nev'r alloweth our lief Dice receiveth did hurt. Especially at which hour we can preventeth t.”

“Listen, Gentaro, is it?” The author nodded as Samatoki continued. “You can see where I’m coming from. This asshole killed my brother. I’m getting his ass beat.”

Ramuda glared at Samatoki once more. “From the way I see it, Jiro got himself into this mess in the first place.”

“Hey! Watch it!” Speaking up, Ichiro crossed his arms and glared at Ramuda. “You’re right that he technically ate the cheesecake on his own accord, but -”

“Oh, I get it.” Ramuda’s voice grew a pitch higher as he now smiled and put a fist onto his palm in an ‘ah, I get it’ motion.

“What the hell are you talking about, also interrupting people is -”

Samatoki was interrupted as Gentaro stepped closer to him. The author’s movements were so graceful, almost as though he were performing a dance, that Samatoki could do nothing but watch, mesmerized, as Gentaro gently twirled the yakuza around and then confidently dipped him. He stared deeply into Samatoki’s ruby-red eyes as he spoke softly. “Lief Sa~ma~to~ki. Certes thou art doing this only out of ang'r. Ang'r yond thee couldn't protecteth thy belov'd broth'r. Thou art fell at yourself.”

Ramuda materialized behind Samatoki, placing his head on the man’s shoulder. “Yep! You’re really just mad at yourself!”

Samatoki looked between the two men, narrowing his eyes into a sharp glare. “No, I’m seriously pissed at Dice -”

“What you need to do instead is…”

“Aye, instead of ang'r, instead focus on…”

Their voices flowed into one.

“Love!”

Samatoki glared confusedly at the two. “Love? What kinda bullshittery are you on, Ramuda?”

“Love!” Ramuda chorused back, laughing.

“Love.”

“Aye, loveth.” Gentaro slowly raised Samatoki back to a standing position, twirling him into an embrace from behind. “How many times art we going to has't to repeateth this?”

“A couple of times. What the hell are you two on?”

Ramuda flapped his hands around. “Finey winey~! I guess we’ll have to explain love to you off-screen -”

Gentaro winked at Samatoki Gentaro-ly.

“OwO~ and possibly form a polyamorous relationship between the three of us… ahaha, just kidding...!”

“Ahaha... Unless thou art s'rious?”

“I already know plenty about love. I have 5 siblings, some blood, some found family, and 3 best friends who I love very much,” Samatoki glared, but at this point he was basically glaring for no reason, “Asshole.”

“Romantic love, Sam~and~Tony.” Gentaro put a hand to his mouth, hiding his smile as he started to guide Samatoki outside of the campsite.

“What the hell? I’m like the third most shippable character in Hypmic, of course I know about romantic love -” Samatoki sputtered as he was led out of the campsite, two weirdos on his arms, possibly forming a relationship, who knows. Let’s all give them a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

Dice blinked. Once. Twice. “He…” His eyes followed the trail that Samatoki, Ramuda and Gentaro had taken.

“He just… took my boyfriends.”

Ichiro blinked. Once. Twice. “They…” His eyes followed after the trail that Samatoki, Ramuda, and Gentaro had taken.

“They just… took my brother.”

Nemu blinked. Once. Twice. Then a third time. This was because they had something in their eye.

“Oh well. That resolves that, I guess.” She sighed and put a hand to her hip. They would definitely need to talk with Samatoki about his anger issues later, but as of now, the crisis averted.

Possibly.

[WITHIN THE YOKOHAMA WOODS, WITH JYUTO...]

Jyuto was almost done with his sign spinning. Only five more minutes to go before he reached the 6-hour mark. Man. He was so… adjective at sign spinning. He grinned (sexily) to himself as he assessed his skills.

All of the Divisions had already made their way to Rio’s camp hours ago, and honestly with the rapid motions of Jyuto’s ‘Rio’s Cafe’ sign spinning, he was probably not any help at all to them.

The inner police-man in him wished to have at least been somewhat helpful, but the outer sign-spinning man in him was more convincing, so he’d spun for the remaining 6 hours. Or, well, 5 hours and 55 minutes.

As he had spun the sign, the clouds - though they were barely able to be seen, what with the leaves over his head - grew darker. As he had spun, he began to feel small, quick droplets falling onto his body, and his sign. And as he now spun, he started to hear a noise coming from the direction of his boyfriend’s camp.

Slump. Sluuuuuummmppp. Sluuuuuuummppp.

As yes, the recognizable dragging of a dead body. Jyuto continued spinning as one Saburo dragged his brother - who had lifted his hand to flip the cop off - across the forest floor in the direction of Jyuto’s car.

3 more minutes left of spinning. The two children eventually exited Jyuto’s line of sight, albeit with loud noises of complaint from the youngest (‘Jiro this is why you can’t ever win in Fortnite’) and a very rude, somehow audible, middle finger from the elder.

The rain began to fall more heavily. Though mostly covered by the forest trees, it was starting to become difficult to hold his sign as it got more and more wet.

2 more minutes.

The sign spun as it was tossed into the air, flicking droplets of water through the trees in an arc that would make any photographer weep tears from its beauty.

One more minute. The sign was close to slipping from his hands at this point, it was so slippery.

But, it was done. One final twirl through the sky, and those hours of sign spinning were completed.

Jyuto sighed contently to himself as he finally placed the sign down. He took off his glasses and attempted to wipe them with his gloves, however, those gloves were just as soaked as his glasses, so it kind of made things worse. Jyuto shook his head - flipping his wet hair perfectly - and put them back on anyway.

Now that he was done with everything, he should see how everything was going on Rio and Doppo’s side of things. He smiled as he thought of his boyfriends. Including Hifumi, who he actually didn’t know the whereabouts of.

If he had gotten “kidnapped” again, then Jyuto would have to take care of it. ‘But…’ He supposed, ‘That can wait until Rio’s done with everything.’ And they would be able to be “done with everything” faster if Jyuto helped out.

His mind made up, Jyuto put the wet, tattered sign back in his fanny pack, and made his way back to Rio’s camp, completely unaware that shit had been unfolding like never before.

[WAIT WHERE DID THE BABIES GO PLEASE IM WORRIED...]

“Shit, how do you turn on the windshield wipers?” Saburo was a child genius, he should know this. He had been doing fine up until this point, what with dragging his brother’s decaying corpse through the woods, walking past his brother’s worst enemy, getting into said enemy’s car, turning on the car, fixing the mirrors and making sure he was buckled, but now he was stuck. Now, to be fair he was under a lot of pressure. He had to get Jiro back home (no he didn’t, Jiro was fine he was just being overdramatic) and away from the full on season finale stuff that was going on at Rio’s campsite.

So why couldn’t he figure out how to turn on the fucking windshiled wipers for Jyuto’s fucking car? Why couldn’t he help his brothers…? Was he just… useless?

Saburo shook his head. Now wasn’t the time. He took a deep breath, and…

Still couldn’t figure it out. As he was about to give up and simply drag Jiro home, a knock sounded on the car door. Turning to face the window, Saburo locked eyes with... nothing. Finding this strange, Saburo turned his gaze back forwards, but the blinding lights reflected off gold bling in the passenger seat caught his attention.

Oh shit.

[REI AMAYADO]

“R-Rei Amayado? What are you doing here? How did you get here? What -”

Rei waved a hand dismissively. “I’m Rei Amayado, kid.” That did answer a few of Saburo’s questions. Wait a second, no it didn’t.

“Anyway, kid. The windshield wipers are right there.” Rei pointed at a lever near the wheel. How did he know that was what Saburo was freaking out about?

“How did you…”

“Rei Amayado, kid. I’ll walk you through anything you need while you drive, so let’s get Jiro home.”

“Uh…” Well, it wasn’t like he could say no. Wait a second, couldn’t Rei just drive?

You know what. This was dumb. Making an exasperated face that only a little middle schooler guy like him could make, he exited the vehicle.

“Kid? What are you doing?” Seemingly unsurprised yet surprised by his actions, Rei Amayado rolled down the window, only to realize that Saburo was on the other side of the car, making it kind of pointless to roll down the window of Jyuto’s car’s passenger seat, because all that did was get the interior of his car even wetter than it already was. He opted for moving to the driver’s seat to roll down its window instead.

“I’m going back to the camp. I just remembered that it’s both illegal for me to drive…”

Rei raised an eyebrow. Since when did Saburo care about the legality of his small-man actions? He literally hacked into the government. Well, Rei scratched his neck, that was kind of Rei’s fault for tricking him into doing so, but the point stands.

“And that there was a doctor, a trained Rio with enough stat boosts to do anything, and my family back there. They can help Jiro. Probably.” Saburo looked back at the camp. It was so far though. And he really didn’t want to have to drag Jiro back. It was already so difficult the first time. He let out an angry pout as he imagined the strain he would have to experience.

Rei grimaced at the ‘my family’ line. He knew he had no right to act as the father of any of the Yamada brothers (and the Aohitsugi siblings? What with their newfound siblinghood with the Buster Bros!! and all. That kind of made him like their new dad right? Imagining being the father of Samatoki made him want to cry, but if it’s what the plot demands…) but still. He looked in the car mirror at Jiro’s dead face.

There had to be something he could do.

With a loud sigh, Saburo opened the back door of the car to drag Jiro’s decaying corpse, not before being interrupted by Rei, however.

“You’re going to drag him back to camp, then?”

Saburo grabbed one of Jiro’s arms. “I guess. What else can I do? Leave him here?”

“No, that wouldn’t be good, huh…” Just then, a masterful thought flew into the mind of MC Mastermind. If he couldn’t teach Saburo how to drive by letting him drive home...

“Kid, get in the car and buckle yourself and Jiro. I’m about to go to hyperblast here.” He twisted the keys in the ignition, and Saburo blinked. When did Rei get the keys? And when did he get into the driver’s seat?

“Excuse me?” Still, by some instinct of being obedient when it came to most people older than him, Saburo did as his father - I MEAN, this weird old man with no familial connection to him whatsoever - asked.

The con man turned in his seat to look Saburo dead in the eye. The gesture reminded Saburo of something a father would do when wanting to be given snacks while taking part in a road trip. N-Not that Saburo had any experience with that kind of thing! Something that he definitely never missed out on as a kid and was super envious of others for! Y-yeah...

“It’s not smart to have you be doing this, okay? So instead I’m going to narrate every single second of what I’m doing in an educational manner.”

“FUCK education!” Jiro shot up to yell, but was immediately brought back down again by a stabbing pain in his chest.

“No, I love education, you idiot.” Saburo put a seatbelt across Jiro, then himself. Safety first, kids. “But what exactly are you going to do?”

“Narrate every single second of what I’m going to do in an educational -”

“NO!” Interrupting, like the rude child he was/is, Saburo put a hand to his head. “I mean, how are you expecting to drive through a crowded forest filled with trees, booby traps -” Jiro giggled at the word ‘booby’, Saburo fought the urge to do so as well, Rei didn’t fight the urge and outright chuckled fatherly, “- and who knows what kinds of wildlife in a car that we don’t even own?”

Rei adjusted his mirrors, grinning as he saw the side of his vehicle. “Simple kid.”

Rei Amayado revved the car’s engine. “I’m going to go into hyperspace.”

“I don’t think that reference is the reference that you’re thinking it is.”

Rei grinned and started the car. “Hypermode.”

[WAIT A SECOND, DOES ICHIRO KNOW ABOUT THIS?...]

“Wait a second?” Ichiro looked around the camp to find that almost everyone aside from him, Nemu, a flabbergasted Dice, Jyushi and Kuko, and the main cast members (including Jyuto, as he had made it back to camp in record time) were absent. Meaning his brothers were absent.

“Where are Jiro and Saburo?!”

“Um. Saburo-kun took Jyuto’s keys to his car from Samatoki-san and dragged the other one away.” Doppo brought his hands together anxiously. “I think he was going to take him home, but I really don’t know what happened to cause that to happen in the first place, I was taking a mental health break the entire time and oh you look mad sorry…” Doppo trailed off as he saw the angry faces of both his sexy boyfriend and Ichiro.

“He’s driving? He’s fourteen???”

“Samatoki had my keys the whole time?”

“Ichiro it’s fine” Nemu put a hand onto Ichiro’s shoulder comfortingly. “The walk shouldn’t be too long, and he has Jiro, he can survive a walk in Yokohama woods for five minutes.” While this should’ve calmed him down, Ichiro was in quite a state and sadly, Nemu’s Nemu-ness was ineffective.

“It’s not that I don’t trust him to walk alone for five seconds, thanks NEMU for the accusation.” Nemu rolled their eyes. “I’m worried about the fact that he’s literally fourteen and is about to drive a car by himself except not really because Jiro’s there, but Jiro’s kind of out of commission right now!” He had a worried look on his face.

Meanwhile, Jyuto felt incredibly angry. How could Samatoki have both taken his car keys away from him, and given them to a person who couldn’t even legally drive. He grinded his teeth together. Motherfucker!

Noticing this, Rio wrapped his arms around Jyuto comfortingly. “I know you’re worried about the Yamada boys.” He wasn’t. “So don’t be.” The soldier straightened up and moved towards Ichiro and Nemu.

“I will look for them as I am very good with these woods, and can help them out of any kinds of booby traps they may have…”

Just then, a loud noise similar to a car sounded throughout the camp. The noise grew louder and louder. Growing closer and closer, until...

“DID SOMEONE SAY BOOBY?” Just then, Jyuto Iruma’s car burst through a couple of trees in a scene that would’ve been really cool if the driver didn’t just shout the word “booby”.

[LAUGH TRACK]

“Hehe, booby.” Hifumi giggled.

Doppo’s eyes widened. “Hifumi, where have you been? You haven’t said a line in so long!”

“Oh, yaknow!” Hifumi limped his wrist and Doppo immediately understood.

“I don’t understand at all?”

“You don’t have to Dop-Scotch. Just follow the flow of the narrative and fade into it. Let the narrative flow!” He guided Doppo over to the scene of the car crash, where Saburo exited the car, looking sick, and Rei Amayado was narrating everything that was going on.

“Alright, then, I moved the wheel ever so gently to the side, causing our vehicle to -”

“OUR VEHICLE???!!” Jyuto screeched at the conman.

“Then we want to make sure that our turning signal is on, and-”

“OUR TURNING SIGNAL???!!” Jyuto marched to the car as Ichiro lifted Jiro out of the backseat.

Rei glared at Jyuto. “Young man, you’re ruining this driving lesson with your patronizing attitude, now I’m trying to be a good father and -”

“MY PATRONIZING ATTITUDE???!!” Jyuto wanted to murder a man.

[REI AMAYADO]

“THIS WAS MY. F*CKING CAR??!!” Jyuto smacked at the driver’s seat door in anger.

Rei blinked. “Oh.” He slowly rolled up the car window, did a little peace sign then…

Rei Amayado vanished!

[HEH]

With the target of his anger gone, Jyuto saw fit to begin beating up his already beaten up car. As he let his anger out, Rio processed what happened, and while his comprehension of the situation was immediate thanks to his amazing soldier brain, Jyuto’s cathartic destruction would take longer to come to completion.

Ichiro let out a sob, but not a pathetic sob one would expect from anyone lesser than Ikebukuro’s top rapper. It was a cool sob, that made you think, Wow, he’s being so cool about this, I really admire his strength. I know his steelo. Rio took note of the boy’s emotional state, and patted him on the shoulder.

“I’ll find something that can bring him back. I promise.” Rummaging through his inventory, Rio looked for something he could find that would help heal this sickly, dying young teenager.

As he rummaged through his pockets, he shifted his weight, brushing against a basil plant. “Hmm, a basil.” He picked it up, gave it a little kiss, then put it into his pocket to use for survival cooking later.

As he continued to look through his pockets, he came in contact with his prescription bottle of pills for his chronic neck pain that he had been given from the Shinjuku hospital. Sadly, it hadn’t seemed to do anything for his pain, and he was honestly suspicious that they gave him the wrong medication.

Wait a second…

Rio squinted at the inscription inked upon the bottle’s label, which was, as you may have guessed, unnecessary, because his eyesight is, as you may have guessed, perfect. The squinting was for dramatic effect, and to convey his mild confusion and disdain for what he saw.

“This is a prescription for… lactaid… which can be used to treat the lactose intolerant should they have accidentally ingested some lactose… healing their tummy ache…”

Always check your prescription kids, it could save the life of a 17-year old fictional anime boy.

Which is exactly what he did. Taking a pocket-water from his pocket, he fished out a pill from the bottle and handed it to Jiro. After tenderly administering the medicine to the boy, Rio sat back as Jiro began to cough, sitting up as he felt the life return to his soul.

“I live!!!” Jiro rose from where he had been on the ground. All of the pain he had experienced had been taken away. Finally, he was…

He looked around the camp and saw a slice of cheesecake next to him.

[JAWS THEME]

“Hmm cheescak…” He smiled and grabbed it with his bare hands, about to put it in his mouth before remembering oh shoot he probably shouldn’t do that oops. He put the cheesecake down, while Saburo glared at him.

“Jiro you dumbass, you were about to eat that cheesecake, weren’t you?”

“I was but then I got character development!” Jiro smirked and dusted off his shoulder, getting up.

“Your overdramatic self was going to put us through all of this again.”

“Overdramatic?”

“You acted like eating dairy was equivalent to ingesting cyanide!” The youngest brother clenched his fist.

“Woah, woah, woah! I was dying!” Jiro put a hand to his brother’s face. It was true! He had been dying!

“You’re going to be dead once I get my own Death Note and write your name in it within the first two seconds of obtaining it from the death guy man - I didn’t actually watch Death Note so I don’t really know how everything works - but still I know that once I write your name in it it's over for you and your Fortnite playing ways!” Saburo grabbed Jiro’s hand and threw it as hard as he could, which wasn’t very hard, and wouldn’t have done much even if it was very hard, because Jiro’s hand was very attached to Jiro’s arm, which was attached to his body, which was stood firmly on the ground and wouldn’t be moved even if someone pushed him. Which Saburo also tried to do.

“Woah guys, let's not give each other death threats, okay?” Someone had to step in, and that someone was Nemu.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Putting a hand on each of their shoulders, they attempted to get the boys to have a civil conversation, and it didn’t really work, but they did stop threatening each other with violence.

“B-Busujima-san…” Ichiro’s eyes watered as he watched his younger brothers squabble. He looked up at the soldier, who was looking at the “neck-pain” prescription bottle in his hands somewhat confusedly. Ichiro wiped a tear from his eye.

“Come on guys… let’s…” He looked dramatically into the parting clouds, which revealed a beautiful sunset and rainbow. “Go home.”

The Buster Bros! and Nemu all walked away in slow motion, vanishing into the trees.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

“Oh… I hope they aren’t trying to go home.” Rio looked after the group worriedly.

“Hm?” Jyuto paused from his vehicular carnage to face the soldier. “Why not?”

“They’re going the wrong way.”

[LAUGH TRACK]

“Well. Seems like a lot happened today, huh?” Hifumi pointed out.

“You don’t even know the half of it.”

Thunder cracked and the sky began to darken once again. The four men retreated to Rio’s tent, a little disappointed that they wouldn’t be able to end the season on a nice shot of them all looking up at the sunny sky like Ichiro had done, but all content to lie with one another under one of Rio’s blankets.

Jyushi felt a bead of sweat form on their forehead. Kuko’s head was on their lap, and they were unable to move, because you can’t move when a cat sits with you, so you can’t move when a Kuko sits with you.

They looked around the campsite, eyes adjusting to the growing darkness. The storm and thunder sounded wonderful, and boy howdy were they glad that there was a tent protecting them and Kuko!

They smiled as Kuko let out a loud as heck snore, lightning flashing through the sky, in what could've been a scary moment, but Jyushi had felt no fear at all.

Things were going to be okay.

[END OF SEASON 1]