Chapter Text
“Han open up.”
Hanna’s head lifts up only slightly from the couch cushion. She’s barely moved in days. She hasn’t eaten, hasn’t slept, and she definitely hasn’t showered.
“Come on, Hanna.”
The voice is a familiar one. One she would know in her sleep. She knows if she opens that door she’s going to lose what little resolve she has left. She rests her head back down and pulls the blanket around her shoulders. She hears the jingling of keys in her door and sighs. She always forgets about the spare.
There’s the sound of heels on the hardwood and a sigh. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a flash of red and a singular form take up residence on the coffee table.
“Hey you.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came for your warm welcome.”
Hanna looks up at Chloe over her glasses. She doesn’t look like herself. A scowl has replaced her usual dimpled smile. The sparkle in her gorgeous blue eyes has dimmed and her skin is an ashen gray. Chloe noticed a shift in Hanna a week or so ago, but she hasn’t been able to get a minute alone to talk to her. She does an excellent job hiding whatever is bothering her around Lennon and Beca, but Chloe picked up on it almost immediately.
“What’s going on, Han?”
The concern in her eyes, and the warmth in her voice, is too much. She lets a couple stray tears fall but wipes them away with a heavy hand. Chloe moves onto the couch and runs her hand over Hanna’s hair. Her gentle tears turn to full on sobs.
“It’s back isn’t it?”
Hanna doesn’t answer but the slump in her shoulders and the way she’s shaking is evidence enough.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Chloe adjusts herself so she can hold her tighter in her arms. It’s quiet for a while, save for the sniffling and deep breathing. If Hanna were being honest it feels good to cry. She hadn’t felt anything in weeks but she would take pain over numbness; it isn’t nearly as terrifying.
After an hour, Chloe’s arm is completely numb. She gets up to make some tea. This isn’t the first time she’s seen Hanna like this but it’s definitely one of the worst. Her apartment is a mess; there are books scattered all over the place, clothes covering most of the furniture, and even her beloved lab coat, the one she worked so hard to earn, is crumpled on the floor next to a pile of shoes. Chloe sets down a mug of tea in front of Hanna and gives her a look that means she better drink it. She does, very slowly. It’s the first thing she’s put into her body in a day or two.
Chloe starts cleaning up the clutter. She never realized there was a clock hanging over the bookshelf until it’s so quiet that she can hear the ticking. The little studio apartment is so small Chloe can feel eyes on her no matter where she goes. She tosses clothes into the hamper, shoes in the closet, and she pulls out the ironing board to fix up her lab coat so it’s ready for her when she’s able to go back to work.
“Chlo?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
She looks up at Hanna, now sitting up on the couch. The blanket she had wrapped around her has fallen off of her shoulders and Chloe can just barely make out the goosebumps covering her arms.
“Can you not tell Beca about this?”
“What?”
“She doesn’t need me adding to her stress. I know this pregnancy hasn’t been easy for her and I just don’t want-”
“Hey, if you’re hurting and you need her, she’ll want to know that.”
“I’ll tell her eventually. I just want her to focus on herself for once.”
Chloe puts the iron down and places both hands on her hips.
“Then who is going to focus on you?”
She shrugs, “I can take care of myself.”
Chloe wants to stay. She’s terrified what will happen when she leaves. Hanna is in a place where she isn’t accountable for her actions. She’s also just as stubborn as her older sister and if she doesn’t want help, she’s going to fight whoever offers it tooth and nail.
“I have to go get Lennon from school. Are you sure you’re going to be alright here by yourself? I can come back.”
“I’m a big girl, Chloe. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time.”
That’s true. At twenty-six she is a lot more mature than most middle-aged adults. She’s been taking care of herself with very little help since she was eight. Chloe kisses her head and grips her hands.
“If you need anything, and I mean anything, even just a hug, you call me. Do you understand?”
“Yes ma’am.”
There’s a hint of a smirk. Chloe knows it’s for her benefit. She gives her one more kiss to the temple before she leaves, making sure to lock the door behind her. As soon as she’s out of the building she pulls her phone out of her bag and dials the number she calls the most, after Beca. It rings a couple times and she hopes it doesn’t go to voicemail.
“Aubrey Posen.”
“Hey, it’s me. Do you have a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong?” She asks, as perceptive as ever.
“Um, it’s Han. She’s kinda falling down the rabbit hole again and I don’t know what to do.”
A little bit of panic leaks into her voice. She can hear a door closing and all of the ambient noise on the other end of the line is silenced.
“How bad?”
“Really bad. She doesn’t even look like herself. I don’t think she’s left her apartment in days.”
“Work?”
“I don’t think she’s going. Aubrey, if she loses that job, that’ll be the final straw.”
“Okay. I’ll give her a call. Don’t panic. She’s been through this before.”
“That’s what worries me. Last time almost didn’t end so well.”
“It won’t come to that.”
Chloe nods despite the fact that she can’t see her.
“Don’t tell Beca. She was very clear on that.”
This doesn’t sit well with Aubrey either, but she agrees.
“I have to go grab Len Let me know if she actually answers your calls. She’s been dodging mine for days.”
“I will.”
The next day Chloe looks at her phone, hoping for a message from Aubrey, or even better, from Hanna herself, but she doesn’t have a single notification.
“Hey Dr. Grey, waiting on an organ donor?” Beca jokes.
“What?”
“You’ve been clutching your phone all morning like your life depends on it.”
“I guess I didn’t realize.”
Beca eyes her suspiciously before she asks,
“What’s going on, Chlo?”
“Nothing.”
Chloe smiles and kisses Beca before turning her attention to breakfast. Beca wants to push it but she’s too tired to start an argument right now. Not to mention the baby has been pushing on her bladder for an hour and she’s pretty sure she’s about to explode.
The day carries on like this. Chloe is dodgy, Beca is wary, and they dance around each other for hours. Luckily Lennon is there to break some of the tension. Beca is about to ask Chloe about it again when there’s a knock on the door.
Chloe hops up to answer it. Her eyes widen when Aubrey and Stacie are on the other side.
“Hey Chlo.” Stacie greets her cheerfully.
Aubrey has a tight-lipped expression on her face.
“What the hell?” Chloe jumps at Beca’s voice behind her, “What are you guys doing here?”
“Yeah.” Chloe keeps her tone tight, “What are you doing here?”
“Well,” Stacie starts, “Bree has a meeting here in the city and you know I’ll take any excuse to visit that little monkey of yours. So we figured we would make a weekend out of it.”
“It’s Wednesday.” Beca says.
“A very, very long weekend.” Aubrey supplies.
“So are you going to invite us in or what?” Stacie asks.
Chloe steps aside, still a little shell shocked. Beca knows something is definitely up, if it weren’t Chloe would be squealing with joy, instead of looking like she’s about to keel over.
Stacie claps her hands, “Where’s the little munchkin?”
“In the living room.”
Beca leads her out of the room, calling for Lennon.
“Aubrey, what the hell?”
“I know, I’m sorry, but I kept trying to call her and she wouldn’t answer. Stacie said the same thing. We can’t do anything from across the country.”
“I mean, I am really happy to see you. I’m happy you’re here.”
Aubrey pulls her into a tight hug. It’s clear this is taking a toll on her. Hiding secrets from Beca never agrees with her.
“So when’s your meeting?” She asks, throwing up air quotes.
“As soon as possible.”
Hanna rises from her couch when she can’t stand the incessant knocking on her door anymore. She whips it open, expecting Chloe to be standing there, but when it’s Stacie and Aubrey she freezes. She doesn’t want anyone seeing her like this, especially her friends.
“Chloe called you?”
Her voice is flat. She leaves the door open, and climbs back onto the couch. The other two follow her inside. Aubrey surveys the apartment; it’s dark despite the fact that it’s the early afternoon and the sun is high. It smells like burnt coffee. It smells stale.
“You know,” Stacie starts, “I’ve been in New York for half a day already and have yet to receive a warm welcome.”
She sits on the coffee table and looks at Hanna’s face. It sends a shiver down her spine. She’s looking at someone she's known for a long time, almost a decade. She’s looking at someone she knows better than anyone else, and she is nearly unrecognizable.
Hanna looks past her at the far wall. The cars and people outside cover up the silence that has fallen over them.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Aubrey asks, keeping her distance near the kitchen.
“What day is it?”
“It’s Wednesday, sweetie.”
She thinks for a minute. It almost feels like a foreign concept, thinking. Normally it’s all she does, her job and her schooling depend on analysis and logic, but for the past seven days her brain has been on strike.
“Monday, before work.”
It’s better than they had expected. Aubrey disappears into the kitchen. She isn’t surprised there isn’t anything in the cabinets or the refrigerator. She isn’t a big grocery shopper on good days. She manages to find a box of cereal that hasn’t gone stale and she does have a small amount of soy milk left in the fridge. She fills the bowl, fills a glass with ice water, and brings it to the living room. Neither Stacie or Hanna have moved.
“Eat.” Aubrey says.
Hanna does as she’s told. She forces down a few bites of Cheerios until her stomach churns and she needs to stop.
“Where’s Bella?” Her voice is gravelly, she still doesn’t look at either of them. “She’s with my mom and dad, getting spoiled rotten no doubt.”
Hanna nods. She only listens to half of the answer.
“Have you slept?”
“I think so.”
When it’s clear that Hanna isn’t going to talk anymore, Aubrey moves to clean the kitchen, she puts Hanna’s phone on its charger, she folds blankets, she makes herself busy.
Stacie just sits, she was there in college when Hanna had her first episode, very similar to this one. She’s waiting, because she knows sooner or later, Hanna will break, and she will be there to help her; especially if Beca can’t be.
It’s another few hours of idle chatter here and there, but mostly silence. Aubrey’s phone chimes with a text message.
“It’s Chloe, Beca keeps asking where we are.”
Hanna’s eyes widen, “You didn’t tell her you were here to see me, did you?”
“No, Chloe told us you didn’t want her to know.” Aubrey says, she isn’t able to hide the tone that tells Hanna exactly how she feels about that.
Hanna can’t bring herself to be agitated by it. She’s too tired.
“I get why you’re doing it,” Stacie starts, “but do you think it’s a good idea?” Hanna exhales through her nose and licks her lips.
“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything right now.”
Her voice breaks and all of a sudden her body shakes with sobs. Stacie moves over and wraps her in her arms. She makes soothing sounds and rocks them back and forth. Hanna feels the dam break inside her chest. She doesn’t try to stop the tears. She lets them out. She purges all of the pent up emotion and just does her best to keep breathing.
“You’re okay. You’re okay.”
Stacie’s voice finally breaks through. Hanna grips her wrist in her hand and gives it a squeeze. Hanna takes a few more shuddering breaths before her sobs turn to sniffles and hiccups. Aubrey brings her another glass of water that she takes in her shaky hands. She drinks half of it in nearly one sip.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You needed that.” Aubrey says, “I’m calling Chloe and telling her we’re staying here.”
“No, Beca will get suspicious if you both don’t go back.” Hanna says.
She feels like she is able to finally form coherent thoughts for the first time in days. And logic is telling her that Beca knows she and Aubrey aren’t all that close; not until it’s necessary.
“Well, you can’t be here alone.”
“I’ll stay,” Stacie says, “you go back.”
“What are we going to tell Beca?”
“Stick to as close to the truth as possible.” Stacie says, “Tell her I’m spending the night with Han, to catch up.”
Stacie doesn't like lying to Beca, none of them do, but they know that this added stress won’t be good for her or the baby. They also know that if they don’t agree to go along with it, at least for the time being, that Hanna will block them all out and they can’t afford that either.
“Okay,” Aubrey agrees, “is there anything you need before I go?”
“I don’t think so.” Stacie says.
Aubrey leaves and the apartment is silent. Stacie flips on the television and lets Hanna lean heavily into her side. She’s the little sister she never had and if anything happens to her she doesn’t think she’d ever be able to recover.
“You haven’t been taking your medicine, have you?” Stacie asks, not taking her eyes off of the screen.
Hanna doesn’t say anything and that’s all the answer she needs. Stacie sighs and squeezes Hanna tighter.
“You’re only hurting yourself when you stop taking it.”
Hanna’s head turns to her and she feels all of her muscles tighten.
“You think I don’t know that?” Her tone has shifted from empty to biting.
“Then why did you stop?”
“Because I don’t like who I am when I’m on them. My brain doesn’t work right, and I get sick, and I don’t feel like myself.”
“And this is you?” Stacie says, the tough love approach has worked before and she hopes that it will again.
“I don’t know who I am. I’ve been on pills since I was fifteen. So I’m either that person, who has these manic episodes where I work for twelve hours straight and don’t stop to eat; or drink, or to have a conversation with another living human. Or I’m this person, who does nothing at all, who can’t even get off the couch. I don’t know which is worse because honestly both of them make me fucking miserable.”
Stacie backs off a little bit.
“I had no idea. I thought the medication was helping.”
“It was, for a while, until it wasn’t.”
“Did you talk to your doctor?”
“No, I thought I could do it on my own this time.”
Stacie pulls Hanna’s hands apart to take one in her own.
“Han, there is no shame in asking for help. I know you’re this fiercely independent person, and you’re so smart that you’ll probably cure cancer one day. Which is how I know, that you’re smart enough to realize that this isn’t something anyone can go through on their own; no matter how determined they are.”
“Mhm.”
Stacie leans over and kisses her temple,
“Will you take your medication please? And tomorrow we will call your doctor and we’ll talk about options. I’m not leaving until we get it figured out.”
Hanna walks over to her nightstand and pulls out the prescription bottle. She pops the pill and chases it with a sip of water.
That night neither of them get any sleep. Hanna spends the night tossing and turning in the bed. Stacie rubs her back and tries to soothe her but it doesn’t work.
Stacie manages to fall asleep for an hour or so before her phone rings, it’s Chloe.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” Her voice is bright, there’s noise in the background, “how was your night with Han?”
It’s clear Beca is in the room with her.
“Not so great. But we’re figuring it out.”
“Great, so do you guys want to join us for brunch?”
“Chlo, I don’t think-”
“Great, we’ll see you in an hour and a half.”
Stacie groans and hangs up the phone.
“That was too many greats, Chlo.”
She looks over at the other side of the bed but Hanna isn’t there. Her stomach flips.
“Han?” No answer. “Hanna?”
She walks out into the rest of the apartment and Hanna is in the kitchen. She has music playing, the blinds are no longer drawn and she is making coffee, the smell wafts throughout the room.
“Good morning.” Hanna says, her voice is back to normal and she has a smile on her face. It’s weak, but it’s there.
“Morning. So Beca and Chloe invited us over for brunch. Is that okay with you?” “Sounds great. I could go for some eggs.”
Stacie smirks. She knows that this isn’t a good sign but she’s hoping the post-medication manic phase will last through brunch. Then they can start looking into doctors and therapy and everything else Hanna is in desperate need of.
“Okay good. We need to be there in an hour and a half.”
“I’ll go shower.”
When they get to Beca and Chloe’s, Hanna’s mood is still the same. She chatted happily the whole way about something she’s working on in the lab. Stacie, normally would be very interested, but she feels like she has whiplash. Hanna went from zero to one hundred in less than eight hours and she is afraid how quickly it will go back down.
“Hey guys,” Hanna greets them when she walks into the kitchen, “what’s going on?”
She scoops Lennon up and kisses her face. She giggles and feeds Hanna a blueberry.
“Not much, late night?” Beca asks, “You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”
Hanna catches the look the rest of the women share but she chooses to ignore it.
“Well you look great.” She shoots back, “Is my niece giving you any trouble?” “Other than the vomiting and the terrible headaches, not today.”
“That’s my girl.”
Hanna reaches to give Beca’s stomach a fist bump but she smacks her hand away.
“Go find a seat, weirdo.”
The meal goes by without any hiccups. That doesn’t stop Stacie front sitting on the edge of her seat. She and Chloe watch while Aubrey has to stumble through some lies about the made up meeting that brought her to the city. Thankfully, Lennon decides now is the best time to demonstrate for everyone her newest skill; knock-knock jokes.
After they eat, Hanna is standing at the sink rinsing off dishes when one of the plates slips from her soap covered fingers and falls to the floor.
“Shit.”
This gets Chloe and Beca’s attention.
“Han, it’s okay, I’ll get it.” Chloe offers, but Hanna is already bent down picking up the pieces.
Her hand catches on one of the jagged edges and slices her palm.
“God damn it.”
She pulls her hand toward her chest and stands. She kicks the remaining pieces across the kitchen.
“Hey,” Beca says, this gets her attention, “what the hell?”
Chloe is trying to take a look at her hand but she jerks it away.
“Don’t touch me.”
The tone in her voice makes it apparent, even to Beca, what’s happening. She's coming down from her high and things are about to get very, very low. They’ve all seen it before.
“Aubrey, can you take Lennon upstairs, please?” Chloe asks, trying her best to keep her tone level.
As soon as she is out of the room, Beca and Chloe turn to Hanna. She’s still bleeding, she uses her other hand to run it through her hair. She suddenly feels hot. Her heart is pounding and her breathing is ragged.
“Hanna, look at me.” Beca says.
She doesn’t.
“Look at me.”
It takes Hanna a minute to look into her sister’s eyes. When she does, it sends a shiver down Beca’s spine. It’s quick, before they’re darting around the room again, but it tells her everything she needs to know.
“How long?”
“A few weeks,” She picks up a paper towel and grips it in her hand to soak up the blood, “It’s fine, Beca.”
“I don’t consider you kicking broken glass across my kitchen, with my three year old nearby, to be okay. And I know that if you actually were okay, you wouldn’t either.”
Stacie leads Hanna to a chair so she can tend to her hand while Chloe sweeps up the bits of broken plate. Beca leans herself against the counter.
“It hurts me that you felt you couldn’t tell me what was going on with you.”
Hanna closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She feels anger bubbling up in her chest again and she isn’t sure that she’ll be able to stop the explosion that's brewing.
“It’s not your issue, Beca.”
“Not my issue? How is it not my issue when my baby sister has spiraled so deep down that she can’t take care of herself?”
“You didn’t seem to care so much about it for the first eighteen years of my life.” “That’s not fair.”
“Open your eyes, Beca. None of this is fucking fair.”
Hanna stands as her voice gets louder.
“Nothing about our lives has been fair. I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me because for ten years nobody gave a shit about me. I was alone.”
Beca sounds defeated, “But you’re not alone anymore.”
Hanna is visibly shaking. Her breathing is deep but irregular. Her vision feels like it’s fading and her whole body is somehow hot and numb at the same time.
“You’re not alone anymore. You haven’t been for a long time.” Beca says.
Aubrey appears from the staircase, having calmed Lennon down enough for her to take
a nap.
“You have all of us here to help you.”
“Yes you do,” Stacie speaks up, “and I know that you know that. Somewhere deep down you do.”
Hanna lets out a frustrated groan before she lets the tears fall. Nobody moves. They’re unsure what Hanna’s mood is going to do so they wait for her to make the next move. She reaches her arms out. Beca moves into them. She hugs her tight to her chest and holds her until she’s ready to let go.
“You’re alright. We’ve got you.”
After a while Hanna calms down. She takes her medication and drinks some water. The other women are standing around the kitchen. No one wants to say the wrong thing and send Hanna into another tailspin, so they wait.
“I’m so embarrassed.”
“About what?” Chloe asks.
Hanna scoffs, “Are you kidding? About the way I just acted.”
Her eyes widen and she tries to stand but Stacie’s hands on her shoulders keep her seated.
“Oh God, I didn’t hit Lennon with any glass did I?”
“No, she’s fine. She’s asleep.” Aubrey reassures her.
“Beca, I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just-”
“I know. We know that.”
“I just want it to stop. I’m so tired.”
“We’re gonna get you through this. We did it before, we can do it again.” Beca says.
Hanna can’t bring herself to speak again. Her voice sounds like gravel and it makes her hate herself even more than usual. She downs half a glass of water and just sits. She lets the exhaustion settle into her bones and seep into her muscles. The headache from the past few weeks finds its home again behind her eyes. She closes them, hoping the pressure from her thumb and forefinger will ease the pain. It doesn’t.
Lennon starts crying upstairs. Beca stands, slowly, to go to get her.
Hanna watches her walk away. She doesn’t speak until she hears Beca’s voice over the monitor.
“This is exactly what I didn’t want. I don’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re not a-”
“Don’t,” This time her voice is gentle. It’s tired, “don’t tell me I’m not. I’m not saying it to get sympathy.”
“No one thinks that.” Aubrey says.
“I’m saying it because it’s the truth. If I wasn’t like this you wouldn’t have flown across the country. I wouldn’t have derailed your day and scared Lennon. None of this would be happening.”
“Maybe.” Chloe says, “If you weren’t the way you are, a lot of things would be different, that’s true. But most of those changes wouldn’t be good ones. Beca wouldn’t have a
sister that she loves more than anything. We wouldn’t have one of our best friends, Len wouldn’t have her Aunty B. And this world wouldn’t have your unbelievably genius mind. So for as much as you see yourself as a burden, we see you as a beautiful gift.”
Chloe sounds like she always does, calm and reassuring. Stacie interjects,
“And we’re older than you so we know better than you do.”
“That’s definitely not a thing.” Hanna says, through a sniffle.
“When your brain is playing tricks on you, just try to remember all of that, okay? I know it feels hopeless now, but it won’t always, I promise.”
They are all so consumed by their conversation that none of them notice when Beca turns off the monitor.
She sits in the rocking chair in Lennon’s room. She’s trying to steady her breathing, running her fingers gently over Lennon’s curls. She rocks back and forth, both comforting her little girl and herself.
She wonders which side of Hanna’s gene pool all of this comes from. She silently worries, that it will be passed down to the baby growing in her belly right now. It’s selfish, there’s no denying that, but she can’t stop it. She runs one hand through Lennon’s hair and the other over her swollen stomach.
“Mama? Is Aunty B mad, or sad?”
“A little bit of both, I think, baby.” She kisses her head, before she says, “She’ll feel better soon.”
She isn’t sure if it’s true but she doesn’t feel like there’s anything else for her to say.
“Turn your frown upside down…” Lennon starts to sing a song she learned, from Hanna ironically, before it trails off into little hums.
“That’s right, Len. We’re gonna help her do that.”
“How?”
Beca looks down into Lennon’s eyes and for the first time it makes her sad. Her sparkly blue eyes are always filled with joy and optimism. But now, they’re heavy. Beca knows, this is just the first in a long line of things that are going to cause her true pain.
She keeps rocking them while she thinks of an age appropriate answer.
“We just… keep loving her.”
“Give her hugs and kisses?”
“Absolutely. She loves your hugs and kisses. But the most important thing we need to remember is we need to be patient.”
Lennon’s little nose scrunches up as she asks,
“What does that mean?”
“Well, it means a lot of things, I guess. It means we need to forgive her for things.”
“Like kicking the plate.”
Beca swallows down the pang of guilt in her chest. She knows that image is going to stick with Lennon for a while. Perhaps the most troubling part is, it isn’t a question. Lennon is old enough now to tell right from wrong. It’s a reminder that this situation is only going to get harder to explain the older she gets.
“Mhm, and we take our breaths and stay calm if Aunty B can’t. Does that make sense?”
“Like mommy does for you.”
She isn’t wrong. Chloe is Beca’s cool, steady, hand when she loses her temper. She just never thought Lennon noticed. She hums in agreement and lets the room fall quiet again. She’s relieved, ready to let this conversation drift on by. But Lennon says something that shakes her, to her core,
“I love Aunty B even when she’s the saddest.”
“Me too.”
Beca does her best to hide the couple of tears that drip out of her eyes, but one lands on Lennon’s head making her turn around. She lets her little hand brush over Beca’s cheek.
“Are you sad too, Mama?”
“A little, but right now, I’m very very proud of you, my sweet girl.”
She leans down and kisses the tip of Lennon’s nose. It makes her giggle and Beca is sure it’s one of the most healing sounds she’s ever heard.
“I love you, monster.”
“Love you most, Mama.”
Before Beca can have another full thought, Lennon has hopped off of her knee and is rushing out of the room. Normally, Beca would let her go, but she isn’t sure which state her sister is in, if she’s even still in the house at all. She never wants to feel afraid to leave her kids alone with her sister but today is an exception. And that breaks her heart.
“Mommy, where’s Aunty B?”
Chloe turns, from her spot at the table. She, Aubrey, and Stacie are sitting, talking quietly about next steps. Lennon stands beside her, close enough for Chloe to rest one hand on her back and hold her tiny hand in her other one.
“She’s on the back porch. She’s taking a little cool down time.”
“Can I go give her a hug and kiss? Mama said it’s important.”
Beca appears at that moment, waddling down the hallway. Chloe looks up at her face, into her eyes. They have one of their many silent conversations. Beca nods and Chloe lets go of Lennon’s hand.
“Real quick, alright?”
Lennon nods and slides the screen door open. She steps out onto the back porch, the ground is cold in just her socks. She walks with hesitation over to where Hanna is sitting on a lounge chair.
“Hi Len.”
Lennon takes a step back when Hanna speaks. Her voice sounds different. She thinks maybe it isn’t her aunt at all. But when she looks closer, at her face, into her eyes, she’s sure it is. She doesn’t say anything, instead she walks over and climbs up in front of her on the chair. She wraps her little arms around her as tightly as she can. She can feel Hanna’s hands on her back but it doesn’t feel like her normal squeezy hugs. It’s too gentle.
She pulls back and kisses Hanna’s cheek. She’s expecting a tickle to her side, or for Hanna to say something to make her laugh, but when she looks at her again, she has tears in her eyes. Her cheeks have red lines going down them and that same feeling that maybe this isn’t Aunty B is back in the pit of her stomach.
“I’m sorry you’re sad.”
“Thank you.”
“Did someone take one of your toys, that always makes me sad.”
This time Hanna does let out a little laugh. It’s husky, and low, but it’s there and Lennon smiles proudly; even if she doesn’t quite know what was so funny.
“I wish that’s all it was. But can I ask you something?”
Lennon nods.
“What do you do when someone does that? How do you feel better?”
She seems to think, seriously, before she says, “I hold my breath and count to 10, mommy taught me that. Then I hit something, appo- appropi-”
“Appropriate.” Hanna supplies.
“Mommy taught me that too.”
“What about your Mama? What does she say to do?”
“She says I’m allowed to yell but only if it’s into my pillow.”
Hanna scoffs, “Yeah, that sounds like Mama.”
Much to Hanna’s surprise, she isn’t done.
“Then I think of three funny things, or three nice things. To make me smile.”
“I like that one, you have the best smile. Do you think maybe we could try that together?”
Lennon gets up onto her knees and leans in toward Hanna. She takes one of her hands and holds it tight with both of her little hands.
“You go first.” Hanna says.
“Chocolate chip pancakes.” She giggles when she says the next one, “Mommy’s monster voice. And Mama’s singing.”
Hanna clicks her tongue.
“Those are some good ones. Let me see. Spending time with you, that’s my first one.”
“Keep going.”
“Um,” The brain fog has come back and she’s suddenly having a hard time remembering a single thing she’s ever done, but she continues, “cheesecake.”
“Yuck.”
“Hey now.”
“Chocolate chip pancakes are better.”
Lennon shrugs her little shoulders and it makes Hanna laugh, this time it sounds a little closer to her real laugh. Lennon has ticked off each one with her fingers. She takes a second before she says,
“One more.”
“Being a doctor makes me happy.”
“Are you ready to smile now?”
The hopefulness in her voice makes Hanna’s heart feel like it’s turned to dust and blown away. She shakes her head and speaks, softly,
“Not yet, Lenny. But this helped a whole lot. Thank you.”
“Welcome.” She climbs off the chair.
“Where are you going?”
When she turns and sees two sets of observant eyes, through the screen door, she knows what’s going on.
“One more kiss.” Lennon turns back and Hanna kisses her cheek. “You’re my favorite, kiddo.” She lets her go. “Can you tell your Mama to come out here?”
“Yup.” She says, letting the ‘P’ pop.
It takes Beca longer than it normally would to get over to where she’s sitting. Hanna helps her lower herself into the chair next to her. She’s thankful that Beca doesn’t try to speak. They’ve been through this enough times before for her to know better. She wishes that weren’t the case but she’s grateful for the quiet nonetheless.
A strong breeze forces its way through. Hanna shivers, she hadn’t been able to feel the cold before, even sitting in just a t-shirt. It’s mid-March. New York City hasn’t seen the sun in days. She can feel the stiffness in her fingers, the way the cold has made her skin feel as if it could rip at any second. Her knuckles are red but the rest of her body is still a ghostly white.
“You know why I didn’t want to tell you, right?”
Beca sighs, “You always tell me not to worry but…” She turns and looks at Hanna, though she isn’t looking back at her, “I’m always going to worry about you. Even those years we spent apart, I thought about you all the time. And if I had known that you were hurting… If I had known that you needed me, like really needed me, I would have-”
“You were a kid too, Bec. Be fair to yourself.”
“Pot. Kettle.”
Hanna scoffs and finally turns to look at her big sister. She knows that Beca means it. If she had known what was going on, she would have moved Heaven and Earth to get back to her. That’s the kind of person she is; she’s one of the lucky few that gets to know that.
“I don’t want days like this to happen anymore.”
“I know, you’re tired. How could you not be?”
Hanna shakes her head. She runs her hand through her hair and it already feels like it needs to be washed again.
“It’s not that. I don’t want to be someone you don’t trust. And I don’t, ever, want to be someone your kids are afraid of; or afraid for. Because Lennon,” She shakes her head again, “she’s, like, the best person I’ve ever met, at only three years old. I want... I need to see who she grows up to be, you know?”
“You will. No one is giving up this fight. Ever. But if I promise that, can you promise me something?”
Hanna blinks. A wordless gesture for her to continue.
“You need to be truthful with me. Always. No matter how scary things get. No matter how much you think I’ll worry. I need honesty.”
Hanna looks into her eyes. Her eyes move quickly down to where Beca’s hand is sitting on top of her stomach, her left hand with her wedding ring. She thinks of her family, the people that mean the most to her and she nods.
“I promise.”
She knows it’s going to be a long road. An endless one, actually. But hopefully, with the help of her family, she’ll be able to ride a little easier.
“But I don’t want Lennon to know any more.” She gestures toward Beca’s belly. “Either of them. Maybe when they’re older but not now.”
Beca knows she means it. She knows this is a bigger discussion. One that involves Chloe and one that needs to happen when Hanna has a clearer mind. But she nods.
“You’re going to be okay, Han.”
“Mhm.”