Chapter Text
It had been two weeks since Levi was tortured. Being back on the surface had really helped him, but he was far from 100%. He was no longer feverish and he’d stopped coughing up blood, but he still broke out into coughing fits at the slightest irritation. He was confined to desk work which he hated, but physical exertion was the worst thing for him right now.
Erwin had not let go of the guilt, Levi was getting better but he was not cured, and part of Erwin worried that Levi would never be the same. He had permanently damaged his most valuable soldier in pursuit of a goal that he didn’t even care about.
He was reminded of what he did to his father. His ignorance and hardheadedness claimed another life.
He had avoided talking to Levi about it since that day underground, and he felt weirdly detached from him. Of course he checked on him every day and kept him close, but he wasn’t caring for him anymore, he was back to his regular duties and Levi was stuck behind a desk, and a distance grew between them that Erwin didn’t like.
Was Levi letting that rift grow because he was mad at Erwin? Or was he just focusing on his own recovery? Was Erwin self absorbed to be guilty? Shouldn’t he just be focusing on Levi? God, he hated himself.
He tried to ignore it, walking down the hall flipping through a stack of reports, when he heard coughing coming from Levi’s office. He didn’t even knock, he just immediately stepped in and put his hand on Levi’s shoulder, who looked up with his eyes while his face was buried in the crook of his elbow.
“Levi! Are you okay? Do you need water? Do you need medicine?” Erwin asked, and Levi shook his head. He recovered and looked at Erwin. “I’m fine, I’m just having a flare up.”
“Are you sure? I don’t ever want to see you get that bad again like how you were in Sina. I don’t ever want to see you like that again.”
Levi looked at Erwin over the edge of his glass as he got a drink of water. “Well sorry for getting sick, Commander. I know my illness has been a burden for you.” He said sarcastically.
Erwin winced. Levi had no idea how true those words felt to him. He took a tight breath and looked away. “ I’m sorry, Levi.” He said. “I should have listened to you when you said you wanted to stay home, I never should have forced you to come with me.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have. You did, though, not much you can do about it now.”
Erwin hung his head, his insides writhed with guilt, he gritted his teeth.
He took a deep breath. He sat down, looked at Levi earnestly. “I want to apologize, I want to talk to you about it.”
Levi blinked. “What’s there to say? You just apologized, what else is there?”
Did Levi hate him so much he wasn’t even going to talk to him about it?! God, it was like he was trying to torture him!
“An apology isn’t enough! I forced you down there, I forced you to face the past you want to forget, I forced you into dangerous situations that got you tortured, I got you sick! And now you’re here and it feels like you’re never going to get better!”
Levi raised an eyebrow. “You got me sick? No you didn’t, the underground got me sick. It’s not your fault I grew up in a place that made me susceptible to that kind of thing, it’s not your fault I have a past I want to forget, and it’s not your fault that I got hurt and sick. Isn’t that what you told me when Isabel and Farlan died? It’s the walls, the titans, all that shit.”
Erwin looked down and traced his thumb along the scar that cut across the middle of his hand. He remembered back to when he’d got it. The mud, the rain, the steam from butchered titans. The way Levi had lunged at him, told him he was going to kill him, took a blade to his throat that Erwin had to hold back with his bare hand. The scar throbbed.
He remembered what Levi had said to him.
“You killed my friends! You’re the reason they’re dead!”
He remembered his reply.
“Did I kill them? Do you think that if you went off to attack me together the two of them would have survived?”
And Levi had thought that it was his fault his friends had died, he felt selfish, he had hated himself just like Erwin did right now, but Erwin had snapped him out of it.
“No! It was the titans!” He had told him. And Levi had believed him, and fought for him, for answers about the titans. To avenge his friends, he stood by Erwin.
Now their roles were reversed, Levi was Erwin and Erwin was Levi. Erwin hated himself and blamed himself for hurting his friend, and Levi had to tell him that it wasn’t his fault; the problem wasn’t with him, it was with the world. The world was what got him sick. Levi never would have lived underground if the walls didn’t exist. Erwin never would have asked Levi to help him track down a criminal if the government didn’t allow crime to run rampant in the places that sunlight didn’t touch. If the nobles didn’t turn a blind eye, the underground wouldn’t be the sorry hell that it was, and Kenny wouldn’t have committed crime, and Levi wouldn’t have gotten sick, and Erwin could worry about answering the question of the titans instead of policing that sorry hellscape that shouldn’t even exist anyways.
At least, that was what Erwin was pretty sure Levi was trying to say. The captain was never that good with words or feelings, but the two of them were close enough where those things didn’t have to be said, they were just somehow communicated.
Erwin bowed his head and let out a breath. “You’re right, it’s not my fault. It’s the walls, it’s the titans, you’re right. And that’s why we’re Scouts, so we can get rid of those things, and have a world that won’t make you sick. You’re right, thank you Levi, I needed to hear that.”
He stood up, grabbed his reports, and turned for the door, to get back to work pursuing his goal. “Thank you,” He repeated. “I hope you feel better soon.”