Chapter Text
Yoongi entered the kitchen with a big plastic cup with iced coffee. He often treated himself with it during the mornings after he dropped Jungkook off at school. It was Maknae’s last week before his summer vacation, and the last week before their coming up world tour.
The rapper groaned before taking a seat at the table. His eyes were stinging and his body felt heavy. He shouldn’t have been up to four o’clock this morning, but he had really been on a roll writing his next possible big hit. He didn’t regret anything.
Jin was the only one in the kitchen with him. The singer was cooking egg rolls with green onions. It smelled very nice and the rapper must admit he was getting hungry.
Jin was also cooking rice. They had yukgaejang, tofu, dongchimi and kimchi in the fridge. It was going to be a nice breakfast.
The sun was shining through the window and the city birds were singing their happy songs. On the surface, it seemed to be a good morning, but Jin could feel the heavy pain in his chest. It had left him sleepless and he’d been up already at five thirty. He’d offered to take Jungkook to school but a grumpy Yoongi had muttered something incomprehensible under his breath, before dragging their Maknae out of the apartment.
It seemed like his dongsaeng was still grumpy; he should’ve taken a large, iced coffee instead of a regular sized cup.
“How are you?” Jin asked and Yoongi shrugged his shoulders.
“What do you think, Hyung?” he then muttered. “I kicked Taehyung’s ass yesterday, I slept two hours last night and I will join the bastard in two hours for a stupid meeting.” It was true, the meeting was stupid. The rappers were to meet their manager just to check in so they were on schedule with their project, which they were, which they could easily inform him through an email. They didn’t need a freaking meeting for that. It was just a waste of time.
“Please, Yoongi-yah, stop”, Jin said with a sigh; he had no energy left in his mind and body to be angry with the rapper. Unfortunately, Yoongi seemed to have more than enough energy to keep up his attitude.
“Stop what?” he asked and Jin let his head fall back. He shut his eyes. He needed to count to ten, if not, he would probably fall apart. Not only did his body feel weak, but his mind too.
“Okay”, Jin murmured to himself when he’d reached ten, and he turned his attention back to the rapper. “You’re acting just like Taehyung did”, he said, very passively. “If you think his behaviour was acceptable, then by all means, continue.”
Yoongi could tell his Hyung was done with him, and although he should be satisfied for finally breaking Jin, he ended up worried instead. Not only worried, but guilty too. He liked it better when Jin was angry with him, because he was angry with Jin. He couldn’t be angry now, could he? Not when his Hyung was like this. How could he fight someone who didn’t want to fight back? That was impossible and pointless.
Stupid Jin, fight me! Yoongi wanted to say. I’m angry! Punch me! Kick me! Let out your anger so I can finally let out mine!
But it didn’t happen.
Yoongi’s body stiffened and he tried his best to regain his anger, but it was completely gone. He was left with hopelessness in his heart.
He waited for Jin to say something that could make him feel the irritation grow again, but his Hyung didn’t say anything.
The rice cooker was beeping. The rice was ready.
Jin kept saying nothing. He looked exhausted. So pale and sad. It wasn’t at all like him.
Time passed slowly.
Yoongi knew he didn’t want to sit here in silence, and normally, he would get up and leave, but he didn’t feel like doing that this time… not at all… his stubbornness didn’t let him. He knew Jin would act depressed until he apologized for disrespecting that bastard.
Fine! He thought. You win, Hyung, you win! I’ll apologize! I hope you’re happy now!
The words never left his mouth.
Yoongi sighed; was he really going to have to say it?
The thought bugged him, because yet again, he realized how completely powerless he was. He should’ve learned by now that he couldn’t win over an older person. It was foolish of him to believe he could, but wasn’t that exactly what he always had been? A foolish boy? So why was he even surprised?
He felt the pain in his heart, as if barbed wire was wrapped around it.
Yoongi sighed again and decided to surrender.
“Okay, I’m sorry, Hyung”, he said but couldn’t bring himself to look Jin in the eyes. “The way I’ve been acting lately, and the things I’ve been saying. It’s been… not okay and I should know my place, I guess… so yeah, I’m sorry…”
Jin smiled softly, because he knew how hard it must have been for his dongsaeng to admit that he’d been wrong. A wounded pride could hurt worse than a beating. He felt how it warmed nicely in his chest when he watched Yoongi, who was shifting a bit in his chair. He was actually proud of the young rapper.
“Thanks, Yoongi-yah.” The heavy pain in Jin’s heart suddenly felt bearable, at least for the moment. He really needed this. One less issue of hundreds to let go off.
Yoongi wasn’t smiling or anything, and he wasn’t sure how he felt. No, he knew exactly how he felt, but he wasn’t ready to accept the feeling of boiling hot pain within him.
Jin was right to assume this apology had struck a blow to Yoongi’s pride. It fucking hurt and Yoongi didn’t like it. The most annoying part was that his Hyung most definitely believed that he was feeling remorse for how he had disrespected the bastard that was their manager. It couldn’t be further from the truth; Yoongi did not feel any kind of remorse whatsoever. Everything he thought of that man hadn’t changed and it wasn’t going to change, no matter what.
The only reason he’d apologized was so Jin could stop being so freaking depressed about it. He already had Taehyung to worry about; Yoongi didn’t want to be the one to make it even harder on his Hyung.
The rapper tried to calm down by letting the words to their next big hit go on repeat in his brain. Hopefully it could help him to not think about everything he didn’t want to think about.
“Are you hungry?” Jin asked and turned off the stove. The egg rolls were ready to be consumed.
He turned back to his dongsaeng when he didn’t get an answer. Yoongi looked like he was fighting internally. His eyes were staring intensely into nothing. Jin sighed and took a seat on the opposite side of the table.
“Yoongi-yah?”
“Yeah?” Yoongi muttered and blinked, before letting his gaze fall to his cup with iced coffee. It was almost finished.
“I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but I got interrupted by… yeah… you know”, he said, thinking about the incident with Taehyung and his pill.
“Talk about what?”
“The interview yesterday”, the older said and clasped his hands on the table. This had been bothering him ever since they left the radio station.
“What about it?” Yoongi muttered sourly. He clearly did not want to talk about it. Jin understood, but he wasn’t going to drop it.
“You said that a reason why you’re lacking in energy is because you think that something might go wrong, what is it that you believe may go wrong?”
Yoongi snorted a dry laugh without answering anything. His eyes narrowed but he didn’t let his gaze off his coffee.
“Yoongi-yah?” Jin asked softly. “Please, talk to me, what do you think can go wrong?”
“Everything.” The rapper snorted another dry laugh and took a grip of the cup but didn’t drink from it.
“Exactly everything?” Jin asked curiously and Yoongi had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He was getting more and more annoyed.
“Isn’t it quite obvious?” he asked and looked up at his Hyung. “Everything can go very wrong at any time, and at any second. It just needs an instant and we all can die.”
“Aren’t you a little too overdramatic now?”
That comment did not help Yoongi’s mood brighten up. Rather the opposite. “Am I? Really, Hyung?” he asked. “Can’t anything happen?”
“Well, of course, if you want to be negative”, Jin answered a bit gruff. “It’s no wonder you have no energy when you worry about things that might happen but most likely won’t happen. It sounds exhausting.”
“How much energy do you have, anyway?” Yoongi snapped back. “You who are so much more positive! And still you’re here, more depressed than ever; so tell me? How much energy do you have?”
“Me?” Jin asked and his shoulders dropped. “Right now…?” he sounded distant. He looked distant too. His gaze fell to his clasped hands and he slowly scratched his palm with his thumb. “… Zero…”, he murmured silently and Yoongi relaxed. He suddenly felt bad.
“Hey, Hyung”, he said with a deep sigh. “I said I was sorry, okay? And Taehyung will learn to do better as well.”
“We can’t force him, he must want to”, Jin said with a head shake. He’d come to realize that now.
“I understand that you’re disappointed in him… we all are… but…”
“It’s okay”, Jin interrupted the rapper and stood up. “I prefer not to talk about it right now.”
“Hyung, I can tell it’s pulling you down.”
Jin thought about it before sitting down again. “I… Every day I ask myself if I perhaps could’ve done something differently”, he said and Yoongi tilted his head.
“You didn’t do anything wrong with Taehyung”, he assured but Jin didn’t seem to believe that.
“Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t do everything wrong.” He started rubbing his face tiredly. “Aish…”
“You didn’t.” Yoongi didn’t want his Hyung to blame himself. Taehyung’s action was on Taehyung alone. “Hyung, don’t beat yourself up for this.”
Jin didn’t answer him anything.
“Hyung…”
“This wasn’t supposed to be about me”, Jin interrupted him. “So answer my question; Why, Yoongi-yah?”
The rapper frowned in confusion. “Why what?”
“Why are you worried something bad will happen?”
Yoongi took a deep breath and leaned back at his chair. “Honestly?”
“I always want you to be honest with me”, Jin said and Yoongi shrugged his shoulders.
“I’m scared.”
“Yeah, but why?” Jin wanted his dongsaeng to open up his heart.
“It feels like I’m losing control over… everything… over myself…”, he murmured. “I’m trying to cling to it, but I’m not sure if perhaps… It’s already slipped my hands and I’m clinging onto nothing without realizing it.”
“Yoon…”
“I’ve always felt powerless”, Yoongi interrupted his Hyung this time. “When I was kicked out of my parents’ house, I felt lost.”
“Kicked out?”
“Yes, Hyung, kicked out”, Yoongi sounded acidly and hurried to continue before Jin had time to ask more questions. “But when I became a part of BTS, that was the first time I actually felt like I had control over my own life, for the first time in my life I didn’t feel as lost… but then something changed…”, he swallowed thickly. “… Everyone changed… more pressure was put on Namjoon, our manager didn’t treat us better after the debut, even though we all had hoped he would, and then Taehyung started acting strange, which lead to Namjoon losing control… I wanted to be on his side… Now I don’t know where I have Namjoon; he's acting strange… and then Moscow…”, pain struck his heart like a gun shot when he thought about that day. “… I was a coward for not helping you with Jimin…”
“You coul…”
“Still!” Yoongi raised his voice. “Don’t interrupt me now”, he pouted in annoyance. “Hyung”, he then said. “I’m trying to find that control I thought I finally had gained… I don’t know… I should just stop caring, I guess… the times when I didn’t care was much easier; I already knew I wasn’t a leader, so why did I try to lead him…? I tried to teach Hoseok… but I failed; I swear, it looked like he’d been forced to commit murder after I made him punish Taehyung. I can’t do this anymore; I give up…”
Jin furrowed his eyebrows; a bit worried. “You give up on what?”
“I give up on trying to teach Hoseok anything again; I probably just fuck him up too, just like I’ve fucked myself up”, Yoongi muttered and Jin let out a sigh in relief. He thought Yoongi was giving up on something major; giving up on them all; giving up on BTS. But this? Jin couldn’t care less if Yoongi didn’t want to teach Hobi… wait, teach Hobi what exactly? Jin wasn’t sure but he was too tired to ask.
“You haven’t ruined anything, Yoonie, nothing that can’t be fixed at least”, he said and gave his dongsaeng another weak smile. “I believe we all are a little lost but I do think that there are still hope for us all.”
Yoongi thought about it but then he shook his head. “I just wish you could see what kind of a man our…”
The rapper shut himself up when he saw Jimin and Taehyung enter the kitchen. They were dressed in sportswear and looked ready for a new day.
Taehyung was walking close behind his best friend and was holding a tight grip off his wrist. It looked like he was using Jimin as a shield when he shyly peaked out from behind.
“It’s okay, TaeTae”, Jimin whispered. “Just go to them and say it.”
Taehyung started to squirm uncomfortably but forced himself to let go of his friend and walk up to his Hyungs.
Both Jin and Yoongi were still sitting at the table, now staring at the boy in complete silence. Taehyung didn’t like that, it made everything ten times more awkward than he’d imagined it, and the way he’d imagined it had been horrible enough.
“Um…”, he started rubbing at his arm. No matter how hard he tried, he failed to look his Hyungs in their eyes. “Um…”
“Is there something you want to tell us?” Yoongi asked when he failed to speak up. Normally, Jin would tell the rapper not to stress the boy, but not this time; he had little to no patience with Taehyung at the moment.
“I just… Hyung.” His nervousness grew heavier in his body and heart. “I’m sorry for, what I did.”
Jin looked closely at his dongsaeng and the sight made him both sad and frustrated at the same time. It didn’t feel like the apology was enough, but he wasn’t sure what would.
He let out a tiresome sigh and stood up, which made Taehyung very worried.
“H-Hyung…”
Taehyung was panicking internally. Jimin had told him that their Hyung would accept the apology and he’d trusted him, but suddenly, his entire mind and body told him it all failed.
“I-I’m sorry, Hyung, I s-shouldn’t h-have…” the rest of the words got stuck in his throat and his body froze when Jin grabbed his shoulders. He was certain that he was going to get swatted, which his sore butt wouldn’t be able to handle very well. But the swat never came, instead, his Hyung embraced him in a warm hug.
Taehyung’s eyes grew alarmingly big but he slowly calmed down when he realized what was happening. Jin wasn’t going to hit him, he wasn’t going to scold him either, was he? Not even a little bit? Just hugging?
“Aish, brat”, Jin muttered while stroking the back of the boy’s head. “What shall I do with you?”
Although Jin was hurt, he couldn’t stay bitter. It was too hard, and it would only hurt him more in the long run. He knew that much, and besides, Taehyung really looked remorseful. Jin didn’t have the heart to reject him.
Tears stung in Taehyung’s eyes and soon they were falling. “I’m sorry, Hyung”, he murmured and wrapped his arms around him.
“I know”, Jin whispered. “I know.”
Jimin couldn’t stop but smile in relief when he saw them hug each other. It had been with fake confidence he’d reassured his best friend that Jin was going to forgive him if he’d just apologized. In reality, he had no idea if that was going to work. There was a time when he would be 110 % sure of it, but lately, Jin had started to change. He wasn’t as forgiving and patient as he once was; but for the first time in a long while, Jin seemed like his old self again.
“Nawh, Taehyungie, no”, Jin cooed when he saw the salty tears on Taehyung’s rosy cheeks. “It’s okay, Hyungie is not angry with you, okay? You made a mistake, but never again, right?”
He let him loose and started drying his dongsaeng’s cheeks with the help of the sleeve of his hoodie.
Taehyung shook his head. “Yesterday was the first time, I swear it was, Hyung, honestly, I was just… just… just…”
“Breathe, slowly, in and out”, Jin said and took some deep breaths himself. “In… and out…”
Breathing calmly didn’t work for Taehyung; he was stressing out.
“But I promise!” he said with alarmed eyes and Jin gave him another gentle stroke on his head.
“And I believe you”, he said before forcing his dongsaeng into another hug. “I know you wouldn’t lie to me again.”
Taehyung pulled away and hugged himself. “It was the first time I did it.”
“Taehyung-ah”, Jin sounded firmer this time, but not harsh. “Please, I believe you, so no need for any of this, okay? Just relax.”
The younger gave him a very sceptical expression, and Jin gripped his chin and cheek tenderly with one hand.
“Listen to me carefully now, Taehyung-ah”, he said and made sure his dongsaeng looked him in his eyes. “You are forgiven, so don’t worry about it anymore, can you promise me that?”
Taehyung whispered out a weak ‘yes’.
“And I also want you to keep being honest with me from now on”, his Hyung added and Taehyung gave a small nod.
“I will, I promise.”
“Good.” Jin let him go. “Then I want you to answer this question for me, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you or do you not want to take your medication?”
Taehyung froze. The stress was back in his body and it turned into frustration. It felt like ants were crawling under his skin. “I-I-I…” he stuttered. “I w-want to take a medication that can help me, but n-no, not one that turns me into a zombie. I’m tired of that, I really am tired of being tired!”
“We were working on that already, weren’t we?” Jin asked. “You will start taking Risperdal very soon; no more Zyprexa.”
“I know but, Jungko…” a pang of panic rushed from his heart and through his body. He was not supposed to say that name out loud. “…um…”
“Huh? Jungkook?” Jin asked with a raised eyebrow. “What’s with Jungkook?”
Yoongi who had been busy drinking the last of his iced coffee had his interest peaked.
“No”, Taehyung shook his head and forced a strained smile. “I meant, I, nothing, I just… I…”
Yoongi frowned and Taehyung didn’t say anything for many silent seconds.
“Has Jungkook any…”
“No”, Taehyung interrupted the rapper and quicker than a flash, he came up with a white lie; “I just compared the side effects of Jungkookie’s pills with Zyprexa and Risperdal, and his is different.”
“Yes, because he has different problems than you do”, Jin explained. “You can’t compare them, you should know that by know. Yours are antipsychotic while his is antidepressant. It’s like comparing the side effects of eating a carrot daily and eating an apple daily.”
“I… I understand…”, Taehyung murmured and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright”, Jin assured yet again. “But Taehyungie?”
“Yes, Hyung?”
“Risperdal and Zyprexa might seem similar, but trust your psychiatrist, okay? Can you promise me to give Risperdal a chance at least?”
Taehyung saw the desperation in his Hyung’s eyes. He was literally pleading his dongsaeng to say yes, which Taehyung did.
“Yes, I promise, I’ll give it a chance.”
“Good”, Jin smiled yet again and let out a sigh in relief. “And I promise, if those pills turn you into a zombie too, we’ll find something else. We won’t stop trying until we find something that works.”
“Yes, Hyung.”
Everything felt a bit better now. They all felt it.
“Well, it’s getting late”, Jin said when he saw the time on the wall. They had to be at BigHit in forty minutes. “Where are our 94-liners?”
“I don’t know about Namjoon, but Hobi is already at the studio”, Yoongi answered to Jin’s surprise.
“What? I’ve been up since five thirty, without hearing him leave”, he said utterly confused, while looking around as if to make sure Hobi wasn’t hiding somewhere in the kitchen.
“He woke me up at four by accident”, Yoongi explained. They were sharing a bedroom and the older rapper had always been a light sleeper. “He said he had trouble sleeping and that he wanted to take his mind off things, so he went to practice by himself.”
“I hope he won’t be too tired today”, Jin murmured worryingly. “And I hope he’s found some breakfast… perhaps we should bring some geyran mari for him”, he eyed the egg rolls. They were probably cold by now.
“He’ll survive”, Yoongi said but Jin had already made up his mind; he was going to bring some to Hobi.
“I’ll go find Namjoon…”, he then said. “… you can start without us, I’ve made breakfast for us all.”
Taehyung shined like the sun; he had smelled the wonderful aroma since he’d opened the bedroom door, but he hadn’t been sure his Hyung had made enough for him to have some. It was easy to feel like he didn’t deserve anything when he was guilty.
Jimin’s smile fell though. He didn’t want to eat breakfast, but he knew it would be unwise to try to argue about it. And besides, he didn’t want to ruin the mood. Not when it finally felt a little better again. He could eat a little, and perhaps throw it up later… he’d tried it once, and although it was a very unpleasant feeling, it had eased his anxiety significantly.