Chapter Text
It was winter in July.
Jimin disagreed, 14 degrees was like a nice spring day. It really felt like spring and he really enjoyed it, although he barely had time to feel the nice breeze of the wind. They were too busy performing in packed arenas and attending multiple shows.
Australia was so far an amazing experience, and the Australian Army was great. They had already come to greet them at the airport in Sydney. They had been cheering and cameras had been flashing. The boys were used to it by now; their career had really taken off thanks to their latest album. People loved ‘The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 1’. They loved their two big hits. ‘I need U’ and ‘Dope’ were doing better than any other of their songs ever had.
Their manager was happy with them, and it showed. He hadn’t been as snappy with any of them ever since the album release. BTS was finally doing well. The company had given them one final chance with this album and they had taken it and killed it big time!
It really felt like they were on top of the world, although they knew they couldn’t relax just yet. They didn’t only need but also wanted more than just one album to succeed, and at this point, they felt as if nothing was impossible.
They had fans all over the world, and this tour was proof of that. They had fully booked stadiums for all their upcoming performances during this big trip that was going to cover seven countries.
Everything was as great as it could be; and they were all smiling and laughing and joking around; fake it until you make it was something at least Namjoon's new motto.
They kept rememebering each other of their promise to leave all their struggles at home and although some things couldn’t be fully forgotten about; they felt freer than they had in a very long time.
“Hello, do you know BTS?” Jin asked with a broken English to the cute waitress at the hotel restaurant. She was young, dark, with big frizzy hair, twinkles in her eyes and a beautiful smile.
“No, I’m sorry”, she said with a strong Australian accent before taking their orders. It was way due dinner time, almost nine o’clock and they all were very hungry. It had been another great day and they felt like celebrating. They weren’t allowed alcohol on this trip, but they could have as much fun with Coca Cola and Sprite.
“Cheers to Army!” Namjoon said and lifted his glass and the other’s cheered with him. The euphoria from today’s concert was still keeping them hyper and they couldn’t stop smiling. Jimin found some pictures on Twitter from fans that had been in the audience, although cameras had been strictly forbidden. Jimin would be lying if he said he was disappointed in Armys lack of following rules. He enjoyed when he saw pictures of them floating around on the internet. It made him feel like he was a part of the big Idols.
“Oh wow wow, we look great, don’t we, yeah?” Hobi asked when the phone was passed around the table. Jungkook looked at the quite blurry photograph where they danced to ‘Danger’ with Jimin in the middle. His heart was growing with a feeling that very rarely came to visit him. He wasn’t sure what it was called exactly, but he believed it was proudness.
He smiled greatly before passing the phone to Taehyung who was sitting next to him at the right.
“We’re going to a TV-interview tomorrow”, Namjoon reminded them as if they could’ve forgotten. “SBS PopAsia.”
They looked forward to it; being on international TV meant they could reach new fans. It was exciting.
“Has everyone practiced their English?” Jin asked, and both Jungkook and Jimin looked away, clearly not wanting to answer that question. “No?” their Hyung said with a laughter.
“Hyung! Hyung! I have!” Taehyung said eagerly with a raised hand.
“Let’s hear”, Yoongi said challenging. “Tell us something.”
“Uuuuuh…” was the only sound that came out of Taehyung but Hobi showed off his English skills instead.
“Great!” they all praised and applauded the rapper when he’d managed to say as much as three full sentences. Which were: “I’m so happy to be here”, “I love you, Army” and “See you soon my friends.”
“I’m so happy… to be… here… with Army.” Jimin literally forced himself to be brave and say what felt like an awfully scary phrase in English. He too wanted some praises and applauds from his team members, which he got, which made him childishly happy.
“I think we should go inside because of the clouds”, Taehyung suddenly spoke up and they all turned to him. Jimin and Jungkook looked concerned, and they glanced over to their Hyungs. Hobi was staring down at his clasped hands on the table, trying to look unbothered. Yoongi was staring at Taehyung, looking very unbothered. Namjoon looked like he tried his best to stay calm, and Jin looked like his brain crashed and only left him with error massages.
“Taehyungie”, Namjoon spoke calmly through clenched teeth. He really tried his best. “Look around, where are we?”
Taehyung did look around. There were tables with fancy white cloths and crystal glasses. Wine red fabrics, light, almost see-through, angellike curtains hanging where no windows were and where the windows were there were nothing but an amazing view over Sydney’s night life.
“Uuh, the hotel?” Taehyung answered hesitantly and Jimin who was sitting on the opposite side of him reached out to grab his hand.
“Yes, we’re at the hotel, at their restaurant, to eat”, he said with a meekly smile and Taehyung seemed to understand what had just happened. A slight blush burned on his cheeks and he hung his head, very downhearted.
“And is the restaurant outside or inside?” Namjoon asked and the others tensely waited for the answer.
“Inside”, Taehyung murmured without letting his head up. He was staring down at the white cloths in front of him. There was a darker white pattern on it, just visible. White swans. They suddenly started to dance. He blinked. Again and again. He knew he was just tired and therefore going a bit… getting a little… um… distracted…
“So why should we go inside if we’re already inside?” Namjoon asked so very stubbornly. Jin shot him a glance as to ask him to let it go. Their leader pretended he didn’t see his Hyung. “Taehyung-ah? Answer me.”
“I got confused.”
Namjoon was staring at his dongsaeng for a short moment, while the rest of them seemed to hold their breath. Their leader sighed. “Just stay focused, okay?” he said and leaned back on his chair. Taehyung nodded, although still staring at the dancing swans on the cloths.
“Okay”, he murmured and Jimin relaxed his shoulders. He was looking at his best friend. The most he saw was his hair. So shiny and smooth. It hid his eyes but he could see Taehyung’s lips. They were quivering a little. It was difficult to not feel bad for him, although Jimin knew Taehyung didn’t like when he did.
“Oh, food’s here!” Jin spoke up cheerfully and everyone continued like as if nothing had happened.
The hamburgers were served on wooden boards and the potato wedges were laying in small metal baskets. It looked weird but fancy.
“Oooh wow, this is great”, Hobi said when he took the first bite of the juicy burger with BBQ sauce, bacon and melted cheddar cheese. The others agreed. Taehyung really enjoyed his as well with chili sauce, jalapeños and red onions.
Even Jimin ate his burger without complaint. A pretty plain one with only lettuce and tomatoes, but everyone was both happy and proud of him. Especially Hobi. Back in Yangon, Jimin had promised to do better and eat better, but the rapper hadn’t dared to believe it. He had given his dongsaeng so many chances already without Jimin showing any signs of even wanting to improve, but that all changed after their talk. It was great to see how hard and well Jimin was fighting to eat, and even better now with their manager being around, of course. The man was sitting a couple of tables away with some members from the staff. They seemed to have a great time too.
The evening continued with a lot of laughter and easy talk. Their promise to each other was not to be broken; they had to remember it. All the pain and struggles were left at home, and here in Sydney remained only happiness. The heaviness in their chests were all forgotten about, at least that was what they told themselves, and they loved to be able to breathe, if so only for this moment that was here and now, the break was still very much appreciated and needed.
Taehyung was most ecstatic of them all; because just like in Yangon, he was yet again allowed his own key to his hotel room. He couldn’t run off by himself, but the rule applied for all of them this time. This city was too big. The fans too many. Their schedule too busy.
Jin, Jimin and Jungkook were in room 713, Hoseok and Yoongi were in 715 and lastly, Namjoon and Taehyung were in room 716.
It was getting late and they were all tired after a long busy day, so they decided to go straight to bed after dinner.
The rooms weren’t too roomy, but it was enough for the three nights they were staying in the coastal city of New South Wales. A fact they all learned when looking at the brochures in the lobby.
Everything was green in Namjoon and Taehyung’s room. Like a forest. The two framed pictures above each bed were taken of waterfalls that were surrounded by greenery. It was a big contrast from what they saw when they looked out the window. What they saw out there was lots of grey skyscrapers and a busy street all the way down.
Taehyung took a seat on his bed that was closest to the front door and started to undress. He was longing to sink into his puffy pillows and disappear under the emerald green covers.
“Here”, Namjoon said and reached out a hand where a tiny pill was laying. Risperdal looked a bit different from Zyprexa. It wasn’t in the shape of a circle, but in the shape of a 400m running track. At least, that’s how Taehyung saw it.
The sight made him even more tired and he groaned before falling backwards in his bed. He was just wearing his greyish jeans, and one sock… the other was in his hand.
“Taehyung-ah, get up.”
Taehyung didn’t want to. He didn’t like to take his new medication, mainly because it was only the second day he was taking it and it hadn’t given any effect on him yet. This scared him, because he had no idea if it was going to be a pill good for him or if it was going to turn him into a zombie just like the other pill had. He wanted to know as quickly as possible so he could drop this worry. He was sure the constant worry caused the hallucinations to get worse.
I can help you, woof woof!!
Oh no. Stupid puppy from Jeonnam.
“Hyung”, Taehyung murmured.
Namjoon’s eyes grew darker and it looked like he was ready to kill. Taehyung saw it and was up on his feet quicker than a flash. His Hyung had been more patient and understanding lately, but it would be foolish to try to challenge him.
He swallowed thickly and raised his hand to let Namjoon place the little pill there – like he did yesterday. His palm didn’t get the pill but a smack instead. The palm of his leader’s hand was harder than he could imagine and although it wasn’t close to any real pain, it did sting a bit.
Taehyung bit his lower lip and pressed his hand into a fist. He was staring into nothing while he was scolded.
“You need to shape up and take your medication when it’s time for them to be taken. Nothing will change if you’re not prepared to make changes. You know how important these pills are! You were getting confused out there, believing we were outside although we weren’t”, Namjoon pointed at the closed door behind him. “You were talking to yourself all day yesterday and…”
Taehyung interrupted him with words too soft for anyone’s ears.
“What?”
“I…”, Taehyung wrinkled his nose, knowing more than well he’d made a mistake to talk, but he knew he couldn’t take his words back. His Hyung was way too stubborn for that. He took a short breath before saying: “I wasn’t talking to myself, I was talking to a puppy.”
“Even worse!!” Namjoon couldn’t keep his cool anymore. He’d tried for weeks! It had been okay because they have been able to go back to safety of their home every day. At the studio, they could always take short breaks if Taehyung was starting to get overwhelmed; that wasn’t possible here. Their manager was usually not always around but he was going to be during their tour, which meant that they would have to be careful for an entire month. They couldn’t afford having Taehyung get out of control.
All this was exactly what Namjoon told Taehyung who was doing his best to hold in his tears. He felt misunderstood and scared.
“Do you understand?!” the rapper was talking harshly with his face boiling red. His anger got worse. “You do not want… want… ah!”
Namjoon spun around to take deep breaths. He knew he had to calm down before he lost his temper completely. It wouldn’t solve anything; that was what the coaches in his book had said and he trusted them. He knew it would probably just make matters worse anyway. He wanted to be a good leader, but he couldn’t become one if he were to lose control of himself – again. He hadn’t fully forgiven himself for what he did to Taehyung and he would throw himself out through the window if he were to make the same mistake twice.
His body was shaking. He was scared. They couldn’t have Taehyung return to how he was before Zyprexa. Not during their world tour.
Namjoon turned back around when he felt he’d calmed down a bit. He was still feeling the stress through his veins but he knew he could handle it.
“Taehyung-ah”, he said, a bit calmer and he let out a dejected sigh when he saw the terror in his dongsaeng’s eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you… here…”, the pill was still in his hand. “… take it…”
Very wary, Taehyung grabbed the little pill with two trembling fingers. Namjoon reached out to the TV-bench where he had a glass of water. He gave it to Taehyung too.
It was without any more delay the singer carefully put the pill on his tongue and drank with big gulps. Every single drop until the glass was empty.
He took a deep breath of air before opening his mouth wide to show his Hyung that he wasn’t hiding the pill anywhere in his mouth. It was the new routine.
“Okay, good”, Namjoon muttered and gestured with a nod to the bathroom. “Go get ready for bed. You need your sleep. Now!”
Taehyung put the glass back on the TV-bench before quietly sneaking off. He hadn’t seen Namjoon this angry since that day when everything had turned wrong. It was scary and he barely dared to breathe for the risk to piss of his leader…
Jin, Jimin and Jungkook were barely breathing either. They were laughing too hard for that. It must be the lack of sleep that made them double over with tears of laughter.
“Ouch”, Jimin complained while holding his poor stomach. They were all three together in a tangled pile on Jin’s bed.
The theme of their room was blue. Different nuances of blue, but it reminded them all of the ocean.
There were three framed pictures, one above each bed, with the motives of coral reefs and colourful fishes. It looked so harmonic. They were probably taken in the big ocean next door. They could see it from their window.
They could also see a part of Sydney Harbour Bridge, but not the famous Opera. That one they saw earlier today when they headed to the stadium.
Soon, the three vocalists had finally calmed down after they’d hopelessly tried for almost half an hour without success. None of them remembered anymore what had been so funny. It was getting late and they were too tired to even care. Jimin started giggling again and Jin threw a pillow in his face.
“Don’t start again or I will start too!” he said with a wide grin before turning to his Maknae who was slowly sliding down to the carpet floor.
“Jungkook-ah”, he said and got up on his feet. “Don’t forget your pill.”
“I won’t”, Jungkook answered and when he’d slid off the bed completely, he got up and hurried to the bathroom to get ready for the night. He brought the pill with him. No one suspected anything, because he had his glass in there and the tap water was perfectly safe to drink. His Hyungs trusted him fully, and Jungkook was almost feeling bad for breaking their trust… yeah, almost… The fear to become as tired as he’d been on them the first time was too great to let himself feel guilty. The pills really terrified him.
His Hyungs unsuspiciousness didn’t make Jungkook less paranoid though, not since what happened to Taehyung about one and a half weeks ago. Taehyung had tried to hide his pills from Hoseok, but had failed, and had gotten his ass whipped for it. Jungkook made sure to lock the door and he also made sure that no one was hiding somewhere in the bathroom; he couldn’t be too careful. He didn’t want to reexperience the heart attack he almost had gotten when he’d forgotten to lock the door when Taehyung found out he wasn’t taking them.
He drank some water and let the white, little pill fall into the toilet. He then started to clean some of the small marks on his upper arms and his stomach and his thighs. He was calling them ‘marks’, but many of them were more like scabs. He’d tried to stop but the pinching really helped him with his anxiety. The pain his nails caused him when they pressed into his skin had a weirdly calming effect on him. He felt stupid doing it, and he was ashamed when seeing them. He knew he shouldn’t hurt himself like this, but still, he kept doing it.
It was getting harder to hide them, although he tried his best. Jin had seen two on his left arm once, and Jungkook had told him it had been an accident, and luckily his Hyung hadn’t thought anything of it. One of his Noona had seen them too, more than just two, and she looked alarmed. It had scared Jungkook and he’d given the young woman his most pleading puppy eyes. He had whispered a “please, don’t”, and she had looked very sad, but as far as he knew, she had kept quiet. It wasn’t a surprise. The people here were like most people Jungkook had ever met. It was always the same old unwritten role of hear all, see all, say nothing. They all knew it, to always mind their own business and at that moment, it had worked in his favour.
Pinching himself felt nice when the anxiety was weighing down on him, but what his nails left behind made him almost equally anxious. It was like a poison too good to resist no matter the consequences.
Jungkook was soon done with his nightly routine and was now dressed in an oversized t-shirt and some baggy shorts. Normally, he preferred to sleep with only boxers, but since the faint marks started to turn into clearer marks, he hadn’t felt comfortable not covering them up.
Jimin had been very confused in the beginning and he’d asked him why he suddenly had started sleeping in pyjamas. Jungkook had given a very believable answer and had sounded surprisingly convincing. He had told his Hyung that he was feeling a bit self-conscious about his body; and that he felt too bony and weak. It was a good lie, and Jimin had been quick to try to talk sense into him. When Jungkook had stayed stubborn and said that he just felt better with clothes on, Jimin had given up, because he knew too well how it felt to not feel good in his own skin. If anyone were to understand, it would be Jimin.
“You’ll keep eating well and work hard at the gym, and you will see”, Jimin had said. “You’ll get stronger than any of us in no time!”
Jungkook had smiled because although he didn’t hate his body, he wouldn’t mind getting stronger.