Chapter Text
Jimin didn’t leave Taehyung’s side during the entire flight trip from Sydney to Melbourne. He’d been in constant state of alert, making sure nothing bad would happen to his best friend. Even when one of his team members had come too close, he’d told them to back off.
“Just leave them space”, Yoongi had muttered after Jin had tried to approach them twice. Jin understood, he just had a hard time accepting it. He thought of the little poem Jimin had written to him:
‘I’m scared of myself and for myself.
I’m scared of you and for you.
I’m scared of them and for them.
Of us and for us.’
It hurt knowing this.
The trip had otherwise gone smoothly. Jungkook was especially grateful for that.
He’d been keeping close to Hobi. The rapper made him feel calmer and safer, especially considering that their manager had been around at all times.
The man hadn’t paid them much thought, and he’d mostly been busy on his laptop and smartphone. That was good.
“Wow.”
Melbourne was beautiful at night. They had admired the big city while in the van, on their way from the airport.
Their manager had come to tell them to immediately go to bed when they arrived at the hotel. It was late and although they’ve gotten some rest today, they were still very tired.
“You have to be well-rested for your concert tomorrow”, he’d also said, with his teeth clenched. It had looked like he really tried his best not to snap at them. He hadn’t at all been in a good mood but had kept his tone of voice as calm and as neutral as he possibly could.
Namjoon had looked at Jin in slight annoyance. “I understood it as if everything was okay after you’d talked to him”, he’d whispered to his Hyung. “Did I misinterpret it? Are we going to be punished for not going to that photoshoot?”
Jin had softly answered: “Who knows”, before putting his earphones in his ears. The singer hadn’t wanted anything else at that moment but to distract himself from reality.
Namjoon hadn’t been satisfied but had decided not to argue about it. They didn’t need any more fights, and in all honesty, Namjoon was a little nervous around Jin. His Hyung had been so very unpredictable lately. It was probably because of the stress, the leader knew more than well how that could cause negativity to ones’ mind. He just didn’t want Jin to make the same mistakes he’d done himself. They didn’t need that either.
Namjoon had watched his Hyungnim for the rest of the trip. A strong regret had been laying like a filter over him. So many knots of guilt had been filling up his stomach. It had been very difficult to eat his dinner, and it didn’t help that the airport food was tasteless.
The feeling of defeat had been growing for each bite he’d taken. Namjoon had wished they hadn’t needed to cancel the photoshoot; not because he had wanted to be there, but because if they had gone, he wouldn’t have disappointed his Hyungnim again.
It had been calm and quiet when they arrived at their new hotel. The wind had been blowing in the palm trees.
The lobby was huge with crystal chandeliers on the ceiling. They’d each received a blue and golden key card.
Hobi had wanted to stay in the same room as Maknae, and no one had questioned it.
Yoongi, Taehyung and Jimin stayed in the room on the other side of the corridor, because the rapper refused to share room with Jin and Jimin refused to be away from Taehyung. This led to Jin and Namjoon being the ones left, and they took the last room.
“Just rest now”, Namjoon had said before they all closed their doors. “Tomorrow is a new day.”
Tomorrow was indeed a new day, but when Hobi woke up by the alarm on his phone the following morning, he wasn’t sure how much different it was going to be. He could still feel the heaviness stuck in his heart.
‘Smile Hoseokie, be happy, keep your hopes high and aim for the stars.’
He tried to remember those words he’d been growing up hearing too many times to remember who exactly said what and when. Perhaps it had been said by them all – his parents and his grandparents. They wanted him to smile and be happy, and he tried to be. He wanted to be the sunshine that made everybody smile; because in that way, he could cheer people up and make their days brighter. He wished for no one to be sad.
“Jungkook-ah! Rise and shine!”
His Maknae didn’t seem to want to get up. The rapper could hear how he was groaning miserably while hiding deeper under his blanket.
“Nah, come on now!”
Jungkook didn’t want to.
Hobi forced to keep his smile while he went to his suitcase. The room they had wasn’t as beautiful as the ones in the hotel in Sydney. This room was very plain and simple with no frames on the walls and no fun colours either.
He brought up some clean clothes to himself before returning to his Maknae.
“How are you, Jungkook-ah?”
Another miserable groan could be heard from under the cover.
“Yah, come on now, wake up!” Hobi said and started shaking him awake. “Up, up, up, up, up!”
“Hyung?” Maknae suddenly peeked up, his hair all messy and his eyes puffy. It looked like he hadn’t slept for weeks.
Hobi stopped shaking him to hear what he had to say. “Yes?”
“I have a headache.”
“I’ll ask for an aspirin for you, yeah? And you’ll be just fine.”
Jungkook didn’t look happy about it but nodded anyway.
“Let me see”, the rapper said and reached out his hand. He suddenly looked so very serious. Jungkook didn’t understand what he wanted and he wasn’t sure he liked whatever his Hyung wanted to see.
“What?”
Hobi didn’t answer, and instead grabbed Maknaes arm. Oh, Jungkook realized what it was about and immediately pulled back.
“No”, he protested and gave his Hyung a weary look. No one could see his marks, it was his and it was a secret only for him. No one was supposed to know. He knew Hobi knew, and he knew Hobi wasn’t going to just forget about it. He also knew his Hyung wasn’t going to keep his secret either, but still, he wanted to keep his childish belief that his marks could remain being something only for him. He needed this so he could stay away from the horrible anxiety attacks. He needed this so he wouldn’t break apart completely.
“Jungkook-ah, don’t. Not today.”
Jungkook gave his Hyung a pleading look, but Hobi wasn’t persuaded. He grabbed the boy’s arm again but failed to pull up his sleeve.
“Jungkook-ah!”
“No, I haven’t done it since yesterday, I promise!” Jungkook said and hugged himself tightly.
“I still want to see”, the rapper said. “Some of those wounds looked deep, what if it gets infected?”
“It’s not that deep”, Jungkook disagreed. It was stupid to call it deep; he didn’t have that long nails, he wasn’t a freaking cat.
“Come on, Maknae, listen to Hyung.”
Jungkook refused and Hobi had no choice but to tackle him down.
“NOOOOO!!” Jungkook tried to get away by throwing himself to the floor. It didn’t help him.
The rapper grabbed his t-shirt and quickly forced it over Jungkook’s arms and head. It was easier this way.
“There!” he said and let go of his Maknae. “That wasn’t so… oh, no, Jungkookie…” Hobi sounded disappointed when he saw not only red and blue marks but also scabs on Jungkook’s stomach and ribs.
“They are old!” Jungkook quickly explained and hurried back to the bed where he could shield himself under the covers.
“I can tell”, Hobi sighed heavily. “Have you hurt yourself somewhere else?”
“No.”
“Are you lying to me?” Hobi asked and Jungkook shook his head, although, he looked hesitant. It was a bad sign. Hoseok wanted to trust his Maknae, but he couldn’t. “I hope you’re not lying, take off your trousers.”
“No!”
“Jungkook-ah”, the rapper was surprised by the behaviour. It wasn’t like Jungkook to act like an impudent child, he was often more mature than that. “Listen to me.”
“No, please, no.”
Hobi didn’t want to, especially not after what happened yesterday, but he felt like he had no choice, and therefore said: “Do you want me to get Namjoon and let him take a look?”
Jungkook’s eyes grew alarmingly big and he started shaking his head. “No, no, Hyung, not now.”
“Then let me see where else you’ve hurt yourself.”
Jungkook groaned again. He started glancing around the room, almost as if he was looking for an escape from the situation.
“Jungkook-ah, last chance.”
“My thighs”, Jungkook hurried to answer. “But that’s it, I haven’t hurt myself elsewhere! Only places where I could easily hide the marks, I swear.”
“Why haven’t any of the staff seen anything?” Hobi just remembered and Jungkook’s gaze fell to his lap.
“Because I’ve dressed myself.”
Hobi remembered it had happened once or twice that Jungkook had left to the bathroom to redress, but he hadn’t paid enough attention to think it had happened every time. They were often too much in a hurry, and Hobi was usually too busy getting ready himself to pay attention to anything else.
The painful guilt exploded in his body. Once again he’d neglected his role as a Hyung; first he failed seeing what was up with Taehyung and now Jungkook as well. How could he keep being so blind?
“I’m sorry, Jungkook-ah”, he murmured and took a seat on his bed. “I should’ve noticed that something was wrong.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“No, as your Hyung it is my fault”, Hobi disagreed. “I’m supposed to make sure you’re okay, and I failed, we all failed.”
Jungkook’s shoulders fell. He didn’t know what to answer to that. He had difficulty understanding how it was to be a Hyung, because he hadn’t really been one, not for more than a couple of hours at least, and that could barely count. He’d always been the Maknae.
Jungkook suddenly missed his Hyung back at his family home. It had been months since he last talked to Junghyun. What would he think of his little brother hurting himself? Would he be sad? Angry? Disappointed? All three? Would he whip him if he knew? Junghyun had never really hit him, not more than a half-hearted slap a couple of times. His brother treated him very much like an equal, just like Taehyung and Jimin did.
Jungkook hung his head, now feeling really bad.
His other Hyungs had always been strict, but they had also always looked after him, taught him new things, helped him when he needed help, hugged him when he needed a hug, the few times he’d been asking for it, that is. And they had always made sure he had everything he needed.
Jungkook hadn’t thought about it before but being a Hyung must be exhausting.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.”
Hobi looked up at him, his eyes unveiled surprise, but then he smiled. It looked like it hurt.
“Well, Kookie, we’ll continue this later, but for now, it’s getting late”, he said and stood up from the bed. “Do you want to take the first shower?”
Jungkook nodded and slowly dragged himself into the bathroom. He closed the door and turned the lock but heard Hobi shout:
“Don’t lock the door!”
Jungkook clenched his jaw and felt how the stinging tears were coming. He’d lost all his Hyung’s trust, and it made him feel even more lonely.
Taehyung woke up in Jimin’s arms. The bed was warm and soft; he didn’t want to get up and was sorely disappointed when he heard his Hyung’s phone play five minutes later. It was time to get ready for a new day.
Taehyung wasn’t feeling ready for that, he was still too tired after he’d barely slept two hours this night. It felt like he’d been thrown into a tornado.
Jimin opened his eyes and the two ended up staring at each other. None of them said anything.
“Wake up”, they heard Yoongi say with a raspy voice. He didn’t sound at all well-rested either; perhaps he’d been thrown into a tornado as well. “We’ll have a meeting with the others in fifteen.”
“Fifteen?” Jimin asked and turned around to his Hyung. “Why so early?”
“Because I put the alarm a bit later than I should’ve”, Yoongi admitted with a tiresome sigh. “Namjoon texted us like fifteen minutes ago, telling us to come… Now, get ready, shower if you must.”
“How?” Jimin asked and quickly sat up. “With only one shower?! And only fifteen minutes!! That’s just…” he shut up and hung his head when he saw the stern gaze from the rapper.
“Taehyung-ah, get ready”, Yoongi said while texting the others. He had no energy to argue with anyone right now. Especially not with his dongsaengs. He had too much of a headache for that.
All three of them hurried to prepare, and exactly fifteen minutes later, they knocked on the door to their leader’s hotel room. It was Jin who let them in. He looked equally sleep deprived as the others.
“I don’t think I’ve slept more than an hour”, he muttered when Yoongi asked about it. He too had a headache. Today’s concert was not going to be as fun as he’d hoped it would.
Hobi and Jungkook weren’t here yet, but it didn’t take many minutes before they heard the knock on the door. Jin opened it again.
“Oh, you look dead”, Hobi pointed out when he saw his Hyung.
“You think?” Jin muttered sarcastically. He was clearly not in a good mood, and this made Jungkook nervously shrink into himself. Hoseok had told him before they left that his secret was not going to be a secret after this meeting. If Jin was already irritated, he didn’t want to know how he was going to be after he learned about his marks.
“Alright, good, now that everybody’s here…” their leader said. “… I hope you’re all okay.”
Everyone nodded, although none of them seemed to look like it.
“Good”, Namjoon murmured and scratched his head, very thoughtful. “Um…” he knew why he’d asked for them to come, but at the moment, his brain was blank. He didn’t feel okay.
“I have something to say”, Jin spoke up, and they all turned their attention to him. “I lost my temper, and for that, I want to apologize to both you, Yoongi-yah… but also you, Taehyung-ah. I should’ve calmed down instead of lash out like that.”
Jimin looked hopeful at Taehyung who was holding onto his arm. The two of them were basically stuck to each other.
Taehyung didn’t say anything but gave a small nod. Yoongi nodded too; he’d already gotten an apology from his Hyung yesterday, so he didn’t know why Jin felt the need to say he was sorry a second time. They already knew.
“Yesterday was tough, for all of us”, Namjoon spoke up this time; he was feeling less dull in his tired head. He was mostly happy he wasn’t suffering from a headache. “We need to stay strong and remember that Army deserves us to do our 110 %. We can’t disappoint them… we can’t disappoint us… or Hyungnim…”, he glanced at Yoongi; he didn’t miss the displeased frown on his Hyung’s face. “… something you want to add?” he asked.
“I’m good”, Yoongi answered with a bored and unbothered voice and Namjoon sighed before continuing speaking:
“I know we all are feeling down after everything that has happened, but remember to trust yourself, you know what to do and you know you can do it, and as your leader, I trust you, and I know you can and will do great today.”
One by one, Namjoon saw his team members' smiles, some weaker than others. It was only Jungkook who wasn’t smiling.
“Maknae, how are you?” he asked and suddenly he saw how a tear escaped his Maknae’s eye, it followed by another tear. “Jungkook-ah?”
Hobi cleared his voice to get his leader’s attention. “I believe Jungkook has something to tell us.”
“What?” Namjoon looked confused, but it turned into suspiciousness when he returned his gaze to his Maknae. Jungkook looked so nervous, he was almost shaking where he was standing next to Hobi.
“Go on, tell them”, Hobi encouraged him a bit rougher in his voice than what was normal for the rapper.
Jungkook stepped forward when he felt how his Hyung pushed him towards their leader. He didn’t dare to look anyone in their eyes.
“I’m… I… I… did… well… I…”, Jungkook’s words got quieter and quieter, and soon his mouth was moving without any sounds coming out.
“Maknae, speak up.” Namjoon sounded impatient and Jungkook let out a sigh. He realized he wouldn’t be able to say it with words, it was too hard. His heart was beating violently fast when he slowly started to roll up his black sleeve. They all were staring at him intensely in silence.
Jimin and Taehyung’s jaws fell when they saw the marks and scabs on the arm. Yoongi furrowed his eyebrows pensively while Jin gasped in shock. He couldn’t believe his eyes.
“What the… Jungkook-ah… who did this?!” He burst out before reaching out for his Maknae. Jungkook flinched in fear and backed off so suddenly that he bumped into Hobi.
“What happened?” Namjoon asked and Jungkook’s shoulders stiffened. He pressed his sweaty hands together and a few more tears fell.
“…” he whispered something that was too muted for them all to hear.
“What was that?” his leader asked and Jungkook tried again:
“Me.”
“You? You mean to tell us that you did it?” Jin asked, still not wanting to believe it, while Namjoon turned his attention to Hobi who gave him a nod.
“Jungkookie”, Jimin spoke up and put a gentle hand on his Maknae’s elbow. He didn’t want to touch the marks, too scared they might be hurting him. “Wh-what do you mean by… you?”
Jungkook held his gaze low when he softly murmured: “I did it.”
“But why?” Jimin didn’t understand, and he really wanted to. “Why would you hurt yourself?”
“Because…”, Jungkook took a deep breath before continue his shaky sentence: “… because of anxiety.”
“You hurt yourself because of the anxiety?” Namjoon asked and Jungkook nodded gingerly.
“It helps me get rid of the anxiety.”
Jimin let go of his Maknae’s elbow as if he’d gotten burned. It was like an electric shock went through his body when he heard the explanation. It sounded too familiar, and suddenly he realized things he wasn’t sure he really wanted to realize.
Because it helps him get rid of the anxiety? He thought. Did Jungkook hurts himself to get rid of anxiety?
Jimin grabbed his own stomach and turned away from them all. His body was starting to shake. Why was it getting hotter in here?
“He has them all over his body”, Hobi said to their dismay.
Jin was too shocked to say anything. Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged concerned gazes, before the younger returned his attention to their Maknae. “Aren’t the pills working?” he asked.
Taehyung’s heart did a double flip and he looked away while Jungkook shrugged his shoulders.
“Why haven’t you told us that the pills aren’t working for you?” Namjoon asked while trying his best to keep his emotions to himself.
“Maknae, answer your leader”, Yoongi said when Jungkook wasn’t saying anything. His silence only made the rapper more annoyed.
“Jungkook-ah! It’s important that we know about this!” their leader said, with his voice getting thicker and louder. Remember to stay calm, a voice in his head told him and he took a deep breath before continuing his scolding:
“You can’t keep these things from us, you know that, don’t you? How are we supposed to help you otherwise? Don’t you see? If you keep taking pills that don’t work, it’s like throwing money down the drain.”
Jungkook was getting paler and paler, and more tears fell.
“Why did you think keeping this from us was a good idea?” Namjoon asked but Jungkook just kept shrugging his shoulders. “You don’t know?”
Jungkook didn’t seem to know.
“Jungkook-ah, talk to us”, Namjoon sounded more demanding this time, but it didn’t help, his Maknae remained stubbornly quiet.
“Have we really failed you this badly?”
Everyone turned to Jin when they heard his question. His voice had been thick, and he looked almost as pale as Jungkook did. Tears were drowning his eyes too, but none had fallen yet.
“Have we been this horrible to you?” Jin was getting more and more upset. “Have we really treated you in such way that made you feel like hurting yourself was a better option than coming to one of us?! Do you like hurting us like this?”
“Hyung, please”, Hobi chimed in. He didn’t like the accusing questions, it wouldn’t help Jungkook to talk, it would probably only make him feel worse. He was also a bit worried that Jin was going to lose his temper again, just like he had yesterday. “Jungkook told us now, yeah? Better late than never, right?”
Jin couldn’t argue with that and forced himself to take a deep breath. He was visibly vibrating.
“We’ll be back home in a month”, Namjoon said. “Let’s make sure to get a new appointment to the psychiatrist the first day after we’ve arrived, okay? This can’t wait.”
“Of course”, Hobi murmured and grabbed Jungkook’s shoulders in a friendly manner, but he could feel his touch wasn’t wanted. He quickly let his Maknae go and leaned to the side to get eye contact. “Hey”, he said. “It will be okay.”
Jungkook shook his head. He didn’t believe that.
“Of course it will.” The rapper wanted to stay positive, but Jungkook shook his head yet again. The silent tears kept falling but they weren’t so silent for long.
“Aish, Jungkookie.” Jin’s heart melted and it was with careful movement he approached the younger. “I’m sorry”, he said. “I know you didn’t do it to hurt us, I shouldn’t have said what I said, I’m stupid.”
Jin opened his arms, inviting him for a hug. Jungkook hesitated at first but then let himself get embraced by his Hyung. He needed the comfort, and he was too exhausted both mentally and physically to resist.
He started crying harder and Jin hugged him tighter. He too couldn’t stop the tears to fall.
Taehyung looked at them with a concerned frown but was interrupted in his deep thoughts when he felt how Jimin wrapped his arms around him. He was pushed forward and soon found himself next to Jin and Jungkook. Taehyung looked at Jimin who’d been the one to push him. It surprised him, but he didn’t feel like moving. He wasn’t sure what he felt like.
Hobi was soon wrapping his arms around them as well. Today, everyone needed a hug.
“Jungkook-ah”, Yoongi said and Jungkook peeked up from Jin’s embrace and over Jimin’s shoulder. The rapper gave him a sad look when he said: “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could come to us for help.”
Jungkook’s gaze fell and his hands squeezed Jin’s t-shirt hard. He wasn’t used to apologizes, and he wasn’t sure how to react to them, especially when he didn’t feel like he deserved them. He wished he had deserved them, but he hadn’t… and it made him feel more guilty to receive them…