Chapter Text
Obi-Wan was at a bit of a loss. When he agreed to do the Rako Hardeen mission he knew Anakin would be hurt, but he was not expecting the aftermath to be so extreme. The look on Anakn’s face when Obi-Wan told him it was him who had not wanted to tell Anakin about his fake death was a look of absolute betrayal that seared Obi-Wan's very soul. He could never unsee that look. It also didn’t help that Anakin continually avoided him after they got back to the Jedi Temple.
Obi-Wan knew it was going to be an uphill battle from there but he really never expected it to get so bad. He certainly never expected Anakin to ask not to be sent on the same mission together. It came as a complete surprise, it took most of the meeting to recover from the blow only to be brought out of it at the end when asked his opinion. Of course he wanted to go on the mission so he and Anakin could actually talk but he didn’t want to force it so he deferred it to the other master's authority.
Then of course after the meeting when it was declared Obi-Wan would be going with him he knew he needed to resolve things between them. He was pretty sure he made it worse. “ You know, for someone who lost their master I would have thought you would understand how I felt a little better.” Anakin’s words echoed through his mind as he entered his quarters. The old quarters he and Anakin used to share.
Anakin’s words had a greater impact than Obi-Wan would have thought. He has longed since grieved for Qui-Gon, but there were a few occasions when something cut the deep wound in his heart that Qui-Gon had left when he died. Anakin’s words made Obi-Wan feel ashamed. He knew exactly how Anakin would react in a situation like Obi-Wan’s death, that’s how he knew he would be able to sell his death. If he could convince the closest person to him that he was dead then he could fool everyone. Obi-Wan never really thought about how Anakin would be feeling afterwards.
If there was one thing Obi-Wan never wanted Anakin to experience, it was the death of his master. Even though Obi-Wan wasn’t truly dead, Anakin didn’t know that so he put Anakin through that exact same pain Obi-Wan went through all those years ago. Obi-Wan really was a horrible master.
Obi-Wan sat down heavily in the nearest chair, shame and guilt pouring off him. Has the war really blinded him so much that he would willingly use his padawan’s emotions like that? When he took Anakin on as his padawan he vowed never to harm or hurt him in any way, he broke that vow. He used Anakin in a way he never should have. Used the sacred bond between them all for the sake of a mission.
Obi-Wan knew Anakin. He knew he would be utterly destroyed by his death and he used that against him. He made him feel a loss so deep it was never even imagined. The way Anakin spoke to him today, voice so filled with betrayal and hurt, it cut deeper than anything else. He had to make it up to Anakin somehow, he had to. It wasn’t just Anakin who needed Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan also needed Anakin, they were a team after all. He needs to fix his mistake.
The next day Obi-Wan got up early and made sure all the preparation for the mission was done. He barely saw Anakin at all, probably because Anakin was still avoiding him, but he did see Ahsoka. Ahsoka seemed to be another casualty brought on by that mission. Obi-Wan valued his grandpadawan, and their relationship was one he cherished. with the deception she, like her master, was avoiding him. Though he has had more of a conversation with her then Anakin. Obi-Wan could tell she had been hurt by his deception but he could also tell she would get over it much quicker than Anakin.
He was with Masters Plo Koon and Mace Windu when he saw Ahsoka look at him. She was just with a few troops from the 501st doing whatever she did to prepare to leave. Obi-Wan gave her a kind smile and waved at her, she hesitantly waved and smiled back before returning her attention to whatever she was doing. Obi-Wan let out a defeated sigh and shook his head. He really had made a mistake and it seemed it would tear their little group apart.
“Still no luck with little Soka then,” Plo Koon asked.
Obi-Wan shook his head sadly. “No. While she’s been more open and friendly than her master, definitely not like before the mission.”
Mace scoffed and shook his head in slight disgust. “Those two need to realize that this was for the good of the Republic. They should not be treating you like this.”
Obi-Wan felt a slight bit of irritation bloom in his gut at this comment. Mace Windu is one of the people Obi-Wan highly respects and even considered a friend. Ever since his master's death he always checked up on him and how he was doing. He has been one of the masters that Obi-Wan confides in about a lot of things, including his trouble with his former padawan. Every time he has brought it up Mace has rolled his eyes and reassured Obi-Wan that he did the right thing, even if Anakin was mad.
“It may have been for the good of the Republic, but it was wrong for me to use Anakin's feelings like that.” Obi-Wan said in his defense.
“He is a Jedi. He needs to let go of his attachment to you and release his emotions.” Mace said.
Obi-Wan was about to retort when Plo Koon seemingly sensing the rising tension cut in. “Whether or not it was for the good of the Republic is not of consequence anymore. As Master Yoda says, it is in the past. Yes Anakin is a Jedi, but if you remember, he was only a padawan a few years ago. It makes sense that he would be hurt by this and since he is still so young we can reason that is why he is angry.”
Thank the force for Plo Koon. While it was a valid argument, Obi-Wan knows that no matter the age, Anakin would still react like this. He was very sensitive to these types of situations, especially since his mother’s death. Not the best traits for a Jedi, but that's what made Anakin, Anakin.
From behind him a throat cleared. Obi-Wan turned to see his commander standing there in parade rest. “General,” he said nodding respectfully to Mace and Plo then turned his attention to Obi-Wan. “The ship is loaded and ready to go.”
“Thank you Cody, I will be there in a moment.” Obi-Wan said.
Cody nodded and turned around and headed for the ship that was preparing to take off. Obi-Wan turned to the other masters and nodded to them. “Well I must be going, may the force be with you.”
Plo and Mace repeated the same thing and Obi-Wan turned around to leave when he heard Plo’s voice. “Don’t worry about Anakin. He will come around eventually.” His voice was kind and if he didn’t have a mask on he probably would have seen a kind smile too.
Obi-Wan nodded grateful to him and walked toward the cruiser. He knew he should be reassured by what Plo said but he really wasn’t. Obi-Wan knew Anakin, he knew that unless Anakin knew he was in the wrong, it was going to be Obi-Wan who tried to fix things between them. He really hoped he could.
For the entirety of the campaign Obi-Wan had been pointedly ignored by Anakin. Whenever they were planning the next battle and laying out what they were doing next, Anakin kept his distance. Yes he was respectful and polite to Obi-Wan’s face and in the presence of others but there was an underlying tension that everyone could sense.
There were multiple times during those meetings when Obi-Wan had said something sarcastic when it looked like Anakin was going to grin and retort back when he abruptly stopped himself. Those meetings were probably the weirdest they’ve ever had, which is really saying something all things considered.
The campaign was long and hard. The Jedi council wasn’t kidding when they said the Separatist had there strong hold well guarded. It took them nearly three weeks just to get to the objective and another week to take it out. Another victory under their belts, proving that even while mad The Team was the best of the best and could complete any mission thrown at them.
It was after the campaign and when they were safely back on their cruisers when Obi-Wan started looking for Anakin. He hadn’t seen him since before the battle and was starting to get worried. Obi-Wan knew his former padawan could take care of himself but he also knew he had a tendency to avoid medical care. Now he usually wouldn’t worry because Ahsoka and Rex were very good at getting Anakin to the medbay and checked out, but when he was mad it was especially hard to find him and get him the medical attention he needed, plus they needed to talk.
Obi-Wan checked all of Anakin’s favorite spots to hide and found nothing. He checked with every trooper he could find and they all said they hadn't seen him. Obi-Wan even checked the medbay just in case and was about to have a full blown panic when he realized he hadn’t checked Anakin’s room. Sure enough he was there.
Obi-Wan froze at the sight he saw. Anakin, who also froze mid-motion when he saw Obi-Wan, stared at him with wide eyes. Anakin’s shirt was off and his skin was covered in deep looking cuts and purple bruises. It looked like a tapestry describing a bloody battle in great detail. Anakin was applying bacta and rapping up a particularly bad looking cut when Obi-Wan came in.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan gasped at the sight of his former padawan.
Anakin’s arms immediately dropped and a scowl came to his face. “What are you doing?” He demanded.
“I came looking for you,” Obi-Wan responded, walking up to Anakin and starting to examine his injuries. “No one has seen you since the battle ended and I was worried.”
Anakin scoffed and moved away from Obi-Wan. “Sure you were.”
Obi-Wan frowned at him. “What does that mean?”
“Oh nothing,” Anakin responded quickly. “Just it comes as a surprise that you would care enough about a person to actually make sure they're okay.”
Obi-Wan took a step back from Anakin in surprise, he knew Anakin was feeling bitter but did he really think Obi-Wan didn’t care. “Anakin, I do care about you, that's why I came looking for you, to make sure you were okay.”
“You sure do have a weird way of showing a person you care.” He muttered.
Obi-Wan winced. He wasn’t planning to start this conversation with a fight. He wanted to approach the situation delicately, but like always Anakin just charged in ahead. “Look Anakin, I know that your angry, and I understand that-”
“Do you Obi-Wan, do you understand?” Anakin cut in.
“Yes I understand, that’s why I came here. So we can set aside our differences and make up.”
Anakin scoffed and turned away from Obi-Wan. “You make that sound so easy.”
“It is easy,” Obi-Wan said. “We just need to talk.”
Anakin spun around, his eyes blazing. “And will talking erase what you did to me, to Ahsoka, to everyone who cares for you?”
Obi-Wan blinked in surprise at Anakin’s outburst. He hadn’t quite expected things to escalate so quickly.
“You died Obi-Wan! You can’t erase something like that. You don’t do something like that to someone you care about. You don’t use their weakness to your advantage so you can complete some stupid mission!”
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan tried, “I didn’t mean to hurt you-”
“You didn’t mean to hurt me?” Anakin asked incredulously. “But that’s the whole reason you were able to take on that mission. You had someone to care about you and used their pain to sell the charade. That sure does seem like you were trying to hurt me.”
Obi-Wan did his best to quell the rising anger in him. He came in here to sort out their differences and Anakin wont give him a chance to explain, to apologize for what he did. “Look Anakin, I didn't come here to fight.”
Anakin snorted. “Why did you come here?”
“I came here to apologize. I know I did wrong by you and Ahoska, so I came here to tell you I am sorry for hurting you.”
Anakin was quiet for a long time, just staring at Obi-Wan. Then he threw his head back and laughed, but it wasn’t a nice laugh full of good humor. This laugh was filled with anger and pain, it almost hurt to hear. “You think sorry is going to do it. Just say the magic word and all the pain you put me through is going to go away. Sorry to break it to you Obi-Wan but sorry is not going to fix anything.”
Anakin turned around and started attempting to wrap his wounds again. Obi-Wan felt anger blossom in his gut. What else did Anakin want from him? He was sorry and tried to fix things but that wasn’t enough for Anakin apparently. What did he have to do to get Anakin to forgive his misdeed?
“Well what would you have me do,” Obi-Wan said angrily.
Anakin turned around and narrowed his eyes, “What?”
“I have apologized and tried to fix my mistake but you just refused my apology and won't even try to forgive what I have done.”
Many emotions flickered on Anakin’s face, all going too fast for Obi-Wan to read. It eventually decided on anger. “If you even have to ask why sorry didn’t work then clearly you're not sorry.” Anakin snarled.
“But I am,” Obi-Wan cried. “I see I hurt you but you won't let me try to fix it.”
“You can’t fix what you did,” Anakin said
“Why then, tell me why I can’t fix it.”
“Fine, I'll tell you why,” Anakin said angrily. “You faked your death and used me like a slave to sell it. You died in Ahsoka’s arms when she tried desperately to save you. I grieved for you Obi-Wan! I thought you were never coming back. Then you do and you have the guts to tell me it was all for a mission! A mission which a trained Shadow could have easily done! I had to carry your body back to the temple Obi-Wan! Go to your funeral and think that the last parental figure in my life was dead!” Anakin shouted, not holding anything back.”I would have never done this to you, never. I always thought that if it came down to it that you would choose me over the council, I guess I was wrong.”
Anakin’s chest was heaving, his eyes ablaze. Even their bond that has been closed for weeks was leaking the intense emotion’s Anakin was feeling at this moment. Emotion’s that Obi-Wan caused. Anakin turned away, his voice low and full of bitterness, “Your death may have been fake but the pain I felt was real.”
Obi-Wan stared at Anakin in shock. He knew he hurt his friend but he didn’t realize how deep it went. Maybe Anakin’s right, maybe it can’t be fixed.
“Maybe you should go,” Anakin said quietly, breaking the silence between them. “I have some reports to do.”
Obi-Wan stood there not moving, his heart slowly breaking. Did he really just ruin his relationship with Anakin. 12 years of knowing each other and fighting side by side and he ruined it all with one action. He needed to fix it now or it will never heal. Hesitantly, Obi-Wan put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder, he felt him stiffen under it then shake it off. Obi-Wan lowered his hand and said in a quiet voice full of remorse, “I realize now that no matter what I say it can’t help with the pain. You are right Anakin. I used you and betrayed your trust, I have no right to ask for your forgiveness.”
Anakin was impossibly still not moving an inch. There was no noise in the room other than the quiet breathing between them. “When I took you on as my padawan all those years ago I made a promise to myself. I promised I would do everything I could to never hurt you to spare you from the pain I felt. I broke that promise the moment I agreed to that mission. I knew how you would react and I did it anyway. And the worst part is, I know the pain of losing a master and made you go through that. There’s no forgiveness for what I did.”
“Then why did you do it?” Anakin’s voice was impossibly quiet.
Obi-Wan ducked his head in shame, this wouldn’t be easy to admit. “Because I knew it would work. Out of everyone on the council, I knew if they used me I could sell it. If I could get you to believe I was dead then we would be golden. Everyone knows how close we are, if you thought I was dead then everyone would.” Obi-Wan sighed and shook his head.
Obi-Wan slowly put his hand on Anakin’s shoulder, opening the bond so he would feel his sincerity. “All I have is words and they don’t mean much, but I am sorry. If I could take it back I would. The only reassurance I can give you is that you have my word I will never, never do something like this again. I wish I could take your pain away but I can’t, so I can at least try to prevent you from feeling it again.”
Obi-Wan felt Anakin shudder under his hand, then he spoke in a quiet broken voice. “You were gone, master. You were gone and you weren't coming back and another person I loved was gone, and it was all my fault.”
Obi-Wan gripped Anakin and spun him back around to see tears falling from his eyes. “And how would it be your fault my padawan?”
“Because just like with my mother, I wasn’t fast enough. I was too weak to save you and you died because of that.”
“Oh Anakin,” Obi-Wan murmured before pulling Anakin into a tight hug, being careful to avoid his wounds. Anakin stiffened in his arms before relaxing and baring his face into Obi-Wan’s shoulder.
“You were gone and it was my fault,” Anakin cried. “I would never see you again and would have to be all by myself.”
“Well I'm not gone, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said softly. “I am right here and not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry for being a horrible Jedi,” Anakin said.
“And why would you think that?”
“Because I let my emotions get the better of me. I’m a horrible Jedi.”
Obi-Wan pulled back from the hug and firmly gripped Anakin’s shoulders forcing him to look at his face. “Now you listen to me, Anakin. You are not a horrible Jedi, you are one of the best.” Anakin looked like he was going to open his mouth and protest but Obi-Wan kept talking. “I put you in a horrible situation, a situation in which I knew how you would react. It is not your fault, It is mine for not trying to find another way, okay.”
Anakin nodded and Obi-Wan pulled him into a tight hug again. The two stayed like that for a while. When Obi-Wan finally released Anakin his shirt was soaked through. Anakin wiped his nose and stepped back.
“Sorry about your shirt.”
Obi-Wan shrugged. “I have plenty, now let's take care of you.”
At Anakin’s confusion, Obi-Wan pointed to his still open wounds. Anakin’s face reddened. “You don’t have to take care of my wounds, I can do that myself.”
“Maybe,” Obi-Wan said, “but I would like to.” Obi-Wan gestured to Anakin’s bed and Anakin nodded and sat down.
Obi-Wan quickly gathered up the medical supplies and got a bucket of water and a washcloth. Obi-Wan wetted the wash cloth and very carefully started cleaning Anakin’s wounds. The two sat in silence not saying anything. The force hummed peacefully around them and Obi-Wan abruptly noticed that their bond was fully open.
“What is it master,” Anakin asked.
“Nothing,” Obi-Wan said quickly before returning his attention to Anakin’s injuries. It had been more than a month since the bond between Anakin and Obi-Wan had been opened fully. It felt like a small part of Obi-Wan had been returned and he relished in it. It was when Obi-Wan had finally finished cleaning Anakin’s wounds and put bacta on them and wrapped them up when Anakin broke the silence.
“Thank you for you know helping me out,” he said awkwardly,
Obi-Wan smiled gently. “You're welcome.”
“I’m also sorry for giving you the cold shoulder and being so hard on you about the Rako Hardeen thing.”
“I deserved it.”
“Yeah, you did.”
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes fondly and pushed Anakin. “You should get some rest, it’s been a long evening.”
Anakin shook his head. “I’d rather not, I have reposts to do and stuff.”
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows at that. The only time Anakin willingly did his reports is if he was avoiding something. “Okay,” Obi-Wan said, “why don’t you want to sleep?”
“What makes you think I don’t want to sleep?” Anakin said evasively.
“You never do your resorts unless you are avoiding something, so come on, out with it.”
Anakin turned away and hugged his arms to himself but stayed quiet.
“What's wrong?” Obi-Wan asked gently. Anakin shrugged. “Hey none of that. We just started getting past my lie, don't you start lying too.”
Anakin sighed and said quietly, “I haven’t slept very well since your death.”
Obi-Wan winced and nodded. He remembers after his master's death he had very vivid nightmares about what happened and didn’t get a decent night's sleep for weeks. It would make sense Anakin would have his own nightmares about what happened.
“I can stay here if you want,” Obi-Wan offered.
Anakin’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “I can’t ask that of you.”
“You're not, I'm offering.”
Anakin smiled at him and slipped into the covers of his bunk. Obi-Wan sat at his side and started to gently run his hand through Anakin’s hair. Anakin slowly relaxed into the touch and the tension drained out of him.
Just as Obi-Wan thought Anakin was asleep he heard him say, “you wont leave me again right?”
Obi-Wan smiled at him and sent love and comfort through their bond. “Never my padawan.” And with that Anakin fell asleep and for the first time in a long while, Obi-Wan felt peace.