Chapter Text
Sapnap felt so changed in only a few days and small changes and maybe he knew what he wanted from the start but wanted to give Karl a few good memories before he comes clean. He was lucky to always have beautiful images of Karl scattered throughout his brain when he hears the man's name but he knows Karl isn't so lucky. Especially over the past few months he's sure it's hard to hold every good memory they've had together at the forefront of his memory when Sapnap has only recently replaced a few with unhappy memories. It took a lot out of the boy to deconstruct the way he felt about Karl and being gay and his own sexuality. It took lots to deconstruct the internalized homophobia he's been at war with. And he's pretty sure that he still isn't completely okay with who he is or what he feels. But in his mind and his own issues he's struggling to overcome mean nothing compared to what Karl meant. He started to see that pushing Karl away made the spot the boy had in his life fade. The spot that shone so brightly, that lightened him up when he was overcast with struggle.
Sapnap for once in his life felt happy with the place he was in. Despite the negative thoughts in his mind that put him down for anything and everything he did. His mind wandered back to his writing and the way poetry helped him throughout these back few months since the beginning of October.
11/24/22
Every dagger pulled from within me dripping with blood
As it's used to write ballads filled with dramatics and exaggerations
Pools of blood splotched across pages
And splatters in the tune of insecurity
Using my pain to forever refill my ink pot and brush
I am wanted but not in the ways I desire
For the things that want me usually begin
With a cold metallic edge and headspinning thoughts
Guilt wants me, guilt needs me, guilt eats me alive
Every brush against the skin is another reminder
That I am only wanted by thoughts that want to kill me
Words whispered against the flush of a pillowcase
God forgive me / Please let me rest
Statements drilled into my brain
With a constant reminder that I am just as worthless
For giving into urges that forced my hand
And sentiments that burn like a blistering balm
Being trickled onto me
Until finally I can drift off to sleep
Where the words around me no longer have weight
And the urges, guilt, and anger can subside
Sounds around me becoming murmured
Surroundings beginning to become fuzzy
And senses starting to mute
Eye opening prematurely way before dawn sets in
Rest can only last so long before its over
And irate sorry remembrances are once again
Cast over me in a gray puddle
With the weight of a thousand avils
Dragging me down to the bottom of a dark lagoon
Filled with unspoken words and fleetly actions
11/27/22
your words were laced with poison.
your venom was addicting,
so i chased you.
even when dragged through obstacles
harder to hurdle than anything
i’ve tried to accomplish before,
i still followed after you.
it wasn’t a secret,
i could see your fangs
when your snarled at me
whenever i got near,
but i followed naively
when i took interest in you
12/14/22
being with you was like being in a burning building
except i welcomed the and started the fire you fueled
your words thick in my lungs like chimney soot
and your love bubbling and sweltering my skin
as much as i want to escape the crumbling build
i am already piled between fallen ceilings
i once had the strength of zeus & ares
but it doesn’t exist
when i need to push myself from underneath the wreckage
1/28/22
the type of happiness that presents itself in animated expressions
and eyes that crinkle in the corners
the type of happiness that can only be described as the hot summer sun melding into your skin
the type of happiness that makes you dizzy because you lost your breath from laughing until you couldn’t
the emotions that you wait a lifetime to feel
and take years rebuilding and recovering to achieve
that make it all worth it once you finally reach that place
sliding out of your coat, hanging up your keys and retrieving back to your room at the end of the day no longer feels hours spent alone
praying your guilts would subside
but instead feels like a peaceful break
until you can repeat again
And maybe those excerpts spoke more to him than he thought. Maybe he felt slightly silly or dramatic for his previous works but the change in feeling over a short amount of time truly spoke to him more than anything. All he could do was put his mind on paper and spill what he was feeling at those exact moments no matter how dramatic or overwhelming they might feel. Because regardless they were his emotions. Soaring through the skies and ripping relationships apart, snapping vertebrae with their weight, and slicing through the paper he used to lay his words down to rest. As soon as they reached the paper it was like the soul was extracted from them, finally cast down to rest in nothing less than a boney casket to marinade in the soil.
Water flowing over his head as he became fully entrenched in more than just water. He prepared himself for what the day held. Following the motions of a shower meticulously, never missing a beat. Under his arms and behind his ears and around his neck and any other place that could be forgotten in the mix. Patting himself dry with a white fluffy towel over his knees and elbows, face and arms. Wrapping his towel around him before proceeding back to his room. Sliding his clothes on as he began to prepare himself on what he wanted to say. Double checking his surroundings to assure he gathered everything he needed. His car sat in the driveway. The interior freezing and the slight hum of the heat going. It was still February in North Carolina after all. Repeating actions of turns and twists, acceleration and deceleration as he followed street signs and speed limits. It felt like every other morning he took to see his boy. Pulling into the driveway before approaching the door. It stood at the same height it always had. But today it felt slightly bigger, perhaps even booming over the boy as he stood small in himself waiting to ring the doorbell. He pressed the small button off to the left once and waited to be greeted by Karl. Seconds that felt like minutes passed as he waited outside. Steadying the same breaths he could see escape him in foggy little clouds. Winter was horrible but the sun was out and the snow was melting. It seemed like the worst bits were almost over. Karl approached the door unsuspecting of the visitor awaiting just outside and as he opened he noticed that Sapnap lacked the usual puffed out chest and strong demeanor he always carried with him that was somewhat an extension of him. There was no delay to him stepping aside to let Sapnap in and leading him up the same staircase they had climbed many a times over. But even though both boys had followed the same actions they had been everyday for as long as they could remember, today felt different. Something hung in the air and Karl was unsure if perhaps it might just be the half-freezing, cool air trailing them inside and snaking up the staircase.
They both took their respective but unspoken places on the boys bed.
‘You’ve been kinda silent since you got here,’ Karl mused as his eyes creased in the corners ‘Stop freaking me out.’ He teased.
‘Sorry.’ Sapnap giggled.
‘So what do you wanna do today? Something interesting?’ He asked curiously. Most likely due to Sapnaps recent ventures.
‘Dunno, let's just chill here.’ He responded.
Karl got up from his spot in the bed and walked over to his PC. Keyboard taps filled the room as he entered his password and clicks echoed as he opened a few applications before ‘the pictures on my phone are all of you’ by Hysteria began to softly play out into the room. He maximized the window and wandered back onto the bed flopping out onto his back. Closing his eyes and swaying his head along to the soft notes and slightly too real lyrics. Sapnap admired the delicate eyelashes that fluttered slightly and the locks of brunet hair that flowed over the boy's forehead and the peace he seemed to have as he relaxed to the music. Sapnap flopped onto his back as well, not wanting to be the odd man out. And so this was his moment or at least he guessed it was.
‘I love you.’ He blurted out, slightly too loud for the setting they were in.
‘Love ya too idiot.’ Karl giggled as he opened his eyes to look back over at the boy who looked scared shitless.
‘Ok.’ Sapnap uttered.
They sat in silence as the song played out, drawing almost to an end. He felt stupid. He had an opening and went for it and got friend zoned so quickly. Maybe he read the situation wrong but he made it too far to leave it alone at that point.
‘Y'know I didn't quite mean it like that Karl.’
‘Oh?’ He replied. Both of the boys eyes were opened again but they wouldn’t dare look at eachother. Both opting for the safe option of staring at the ceiling above them.
‘I’m gay.’ Sapnap spoke again.
‘Me too.’ Karl said.
‘Im sorry.’
‘Me too.’
‘I never meant to hurt you but it was hard. I couldn't accept me or the person you wanted me to be. And those days we spent apart and arguments we had burned me so badly. But maybe it was a good thing. It made me realize I want to be with you before I lose you,’ He spoke quietly and Karl hummed back, ‘I didn't want to lose you, I don't want to lose you. And I'm sorry for walking out even if it wasn't permanent, it was enough to cause damage.’
‘That's how you feel? And what do you want now, Sap?’ He questioned sternly.
‘To have you.’ He replied confidently.
‘You want me?’ He scoffed, ‘And what happens when you start feeling bad again? Or your mind starts tearing into you for loving another man? Or when all you want to do is leave and run away again? I love you Nick and that will never change. But how am I supposed to give myself to you and trust you to let us be okay.’
‘I'll tell you Karl, I'll tell you everything and be open and honest. I'll tell you when I start running from my mind again and I'll tell you when I need you. Not to be away from you. Because even that time when I hated myself was far too much time away from you.’ He answered.
The room echoed in silence and soft music notes once again as they sat there thinking.
‘Its okay if you aren't ready to give yourself to me but I'm ready for you and I can wait it out. No matter how long you need because I've already been waiting years to have you even if I didn't know it yet.’ He uttered.
‘Are you serious about your promises? Pinky swear or whatever bullshit.’ Karl asked.
‘Pinky promise.’ Sapnap uttered.
‘Then get over here idiot.’ Karl giggled as he rolled over to face the boy with beautiful eyebrows and days old scruff across his jaw. Leaning into his chest and taking a big breath. The first breath that felt like he had taken that wasn't infiltrated by the cold air outside. And so they sat like that. Occasionally shifting around and getting into different positions to be more comfortable. But never quite leaving each other's grasp.
And I guess you could say the first touches were sickening, enthralling even. Not even close to comparing eating a honeycomb whole or the morning after halloween as a kid. More sickening than indulging in fudge and various sweets. More enthralling than the moment before you drop from the highest peak of a rollercoaster. The simple act of being there in eachothers arms and allowing themselves to give into the craving they always had to teeter the line and blur the boundaries was all so fulfilling. It was an endless craving that they never wanted to let go of. It felt so good to be there in that moment.The moment that solidified mutual love over hardship, over shame and fear. It felt like defeating one's greatest enemy would be the biggest reward but in fact it was what they gained from victory that was largely more rewarding in every aspect. Sapnap had the thing he wanted, the thing he went to war with himself to have and it all felt like the worst nightmare he's ever experienced. Not because he finally admitted he was gay or that the boy he loved allowed him to love him too. But more because he feared if he let go of the boy he would turn to dust. And their love would live on as another sick dream meant to taunt him until he suffocated. But it didn't vanish into thin air when he left to go back home that night and it didn't have a sick plot twist that filled him with guilt and resentment. He returned home with a head full of affection and a mind that was finally somewhat at ease after months of struggling.
Their love was like the winter season. A cold frost that harmed anything in its path. Snow that piled up and blocked growth from beginning. It was something that stung even when you tried to protect yourself with mittens. And their reciprocation was an epiphany. It was the moment when the sun begins to uncover itself from gray clouds to shine down and melt the ice. Their love was the end of winter, when the hardest parts are coming to an end. When you no longer slip on ice or have to wear 20 layers to bear the brunt of it. It was the melting snow that revealed the grass that had been hidden for far too long. The start of growth and life that was ever so sweet. He might have begun to love the boy in winter but he never felt like winter to him.
So I guess you could say their love was something biblical. Something so strong and filled with power and beauty that seemed to have no explainable origin. A love that festered from infatuation of the simplest things. Delicate eyelashes, strong hands, smile lines, forehead wrinkles, soft strands of hair, loud laughs, and passive touches all lived just to feed their love.
They were a needle and a thread. Only useful to each other and rendered useless without the other part. And still the singular thing about the boys remained but slightly altered. The separation now meant nothing, rooms and houses and streets distant from each other held no meaning. No distance could ever stop their brains from following identical trains of thought but this time instead of ‘We are so lucky to have each other even in our worst days’ it became ‘He loves me back’. The distance between the two boys' hearts, minds, and thoughts no longer existed even as the smallest gap. Because whether they curled into each other in pure infatuation or were laying their heads back on their isolated pillows; their hearts were threaded together, eternally pulling each other back and never relinquishing.